Snarkastic

Fuck the Year in Review: Year Five

I've never had one like this. I can count the very best (Casablanca at the Tennessee on Valentine's Day) and worst (last Thursday) days of my life within the last year. I'm torn between wanting to do it all over again and swearing to never think on it as long as I live. And recapping's only a path to agonizing over what I can't take back and what I can't live twice.

...FIVE?!?!?

Five years of my life on the internets? You're joking. The blog is in kindergarten. I kept trying to think of something profound and witty to say, until I realized I'm largely incapable of either.

Instead, I typed "five" into Google Image Search. The pictures tell the story:

hold that lie

Happy Movie Fun Time #5

Them What Rocked Me Back:

Honorable Mention: Match Point (dropped because it's Woody Allen), Batman Begins (dropped because it's Katie Holmes), King Kong (dropped because Peter Jackson's stunning visual tour de force, flawlessly set in my favorite style and period, while mesmerizing, wasn't engaging enough to make me care whether anyone died but the monkey).

10. Brokeback Mountain (apparently, this will rocket up the list once I've actually seen it)
9. Munich
8. Junebug
7. Walk the Line
6. Pride & Prejudice
5. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
4. March of the Penguins
3. Syriana
2. Sin City
1. Good Night, and Good Luck.

Jesus Delorean Christ.

Heartfelt thanks to everyone who sniped behind my back (someone always tells) and lectured to my face about avoiding Nick, y'all. We used to be best friends, and by his count I've seen him three times in two years, and that sucks, but short of teleportation there's not a lot to be done about it. It warms my heart to know that when I get back from COMBING THROUGH FUNERAL HOME RECORDS IN THREE STATES TO FIND MY DEAD GRANDMOTHER'S GRAVE, I'll have this kind of warmth to greet me.

"Sorry I'm late. Tolsun met a girl."

Since about midsummer, I've found myself saying this a lot. Like the rest of us, Tolsun's always attracted his fair share of absurdities ("I got a friend request on Myspace today. It was from the guy who was a friend of mine freshman and sophomore year of college...until he and his roommate both slept with my then-girlfriend, whom he ended up impregnating and marrying. And then divorcing, because she decided she was wiccan and lesbian. (Oh, hey, that brings the number of women I've dated who have ended up being lesbians to four.) Think i should add him?"), but his stay in Philly has been particularly Fraught. Is there any truth to the "reap what you sow" adage? If so, someone's been planting Crazy Oats.

After countless hours of analysis, indignant shrieking, and plotting sitcom pilots with the above title, Tolsun sat down to write a highlight reel of his time in the City of Brotherly Love. It ain't pretty.

In mid-May, I moved to Philadelphia to do a bit of rowing. I spent my first three months there living in a two-bedroom apartment with three other guys and definitely got the least action out of all the roommates. Matt (with whom I shared a bedroom) had a steady girlfriend and spent maybe 10 nights at our place. Mike basically had a different woman every other week. Shawn had...well, I wouldn't call her a "girlfriend," exactly. More like a regular piece of ass. Hell, even a de facto roommate/freeloader brought girls home to "his" (read: my) apartment. Me? Nothing, until about mid-July when I met this coxswain for Penn AC's (PACRA's) summer rowing program. We've been calling her Crazy Coxswain (COX-en), so let's stick with that. Or CC for short.

Crazy Coxswain (CC)

CC and I went out a few times in late July before PACRA went up to Canadia (AKA Canuckistan) for a week-long regatta. The entire club stayed at the same hotel, and her room was down the hall from mine. We got together a couple of times during the course of the week and went out to celebrate the birthday of a friend of hers that Wednesday night. Thursday, CC sent me a text message saying, "You're coming on too strong. Back off." My interest level dropped from somewhat above average to zero.

Anyway, that Saturday night I went out with a couple of friends, including a woman (Canuckistani Prospect, to be mentioned later) that a friend of mine wanted to, ahem, introduce me to. We all went out to dinner and then wanted to get ice cream, but I had to go to the ATM to get cash for ice cream and Canuckistani Prospect (CP) came with. (This becomes relevant.) It took a while to do the ATM thing because I ran into someone I knew and so on. By the time CP and I met back up with the group, they were ready to start the drankin', so we moved towards the sleaziest bar around (which is hard to do in Canadia.) It was about then that CC called me to find out what I was doing. I told her I was out with friends and, no, I wouldn't like to get together, thanks. I thought that'd be all.

My night came to a very mild end at around 1 AM, as I was driving back to Tennessee the next morning. But CC called me at 1:30 asking me what I was doing and whether we could talk for a minute. I said sure, and she said that she was in the hallway...which meant she was standing right outside my door. (This is where the scary music started playing in my mind.) She came into the suite, sat down and asked me if I was interested in her. I guess I should've worded it a bit more diplomatically (i.e., by not saying, "Nope. Not at all."); long and short of it is, she got up and walked right out the door. I literally did a little dance, thinking it was wholly over.

Nope. She sent me a text message saying, "I was an idiot and just wanted a second chance." I was in the middle of composing a "can we talk about this at some time other than 2 AM" message when she called asking to talk again. I agreed, but only if she met me in the hallway and nowhere else. I thought this would keep things relatively calm, but the next 90 minutes basically consisted of her sobbing and saying, "Nobody ever treated me as well as you did. I'm always going to be alone." Luck smiled on me when my roommates (the people I'd been out with earlier that night) walked into the hallway; I said, "Well, they're my ride tomorrow morning. I've gotta go to bed. See ya!" When I got back into the room, my roommates told me they'd seen CC in the ice cream store earlier. They said that they'd been making fun of Canuckistani Prospect and I earlier, saying things like, "Ooooh, I'll bet they're off making out!" Apparently, CC's ears perked up and she moved a bit closer when they said that, explaining (I guess) why she called me not 10 minutes later. CC re-enters the picture around Halloween; since I'm doing this chronologically, we'll get back to her.

Canuckistani Prospect (CP)

(Okay, she wasn't really from Canadia/Canuckistan, but I really wanted to use the word "Canuckistani.")

CP and I met at the regatta in Canadia. She was actually relatively sane. When I met her, she was "getting out of something" that had lasted about nine (I think) months, so I was understandably a little wary. She was nice and pretty, though, so I expressed interest and we started seeing where things would go. All that really happened was, she decided that she preferred emotional (and perhaps physical) abuse to yours truly. That's kind of crazy, right?

After CP, there was a bit of a dry spell until I went to PACRA's annual one-piece party. The basic premise of the one-piece party is that you're only allowed to wear one article of clothing, with some things counting as accessories (shoes, for example.) Underwear is an article of clothing. I went dressed like this.

That's how I met Really Nice Ass Girl, Pit Bull, and Number One Fan.

Really Nice Ass Girl

As you can see from the picture, my "costume" left almost nothing to the imagination; in fact, my booty was hanging out the entire time. Anyway, there was a couple there wearing matching red towels as their one piece. The girl was kind of hot, but we'd been warned by a guy who knew the couple that they were kind of in a rough spot and that we weren't allowed to hit on her.

I take that sort of thing seriously. No, honestly. Stop laughing. She came up to me not once, not twice, but thrice and said in a hushed voice, "I can't let my boyfriend hear me say this, but you've got a really nice ass." I figured the best way to respond was to yell the following with him standing a few feet away: "What? I've got a really nice what? I can't hear you! It's kind of loud in here!"

Pit Bull

I call this one Pit Bull (PB) because she kind of resembles one: short, aggressive, and kind of masculine in a girly way. I know. Odd. Bear with me.

At that same damn party, PB approached me, I thought just to, you know, gab. She and I had been pals since I got to Philly. But she wasn't approaching me to talk. Oh, no. First, she ordered me to kiss her. Then she told me that she'd had a crush on me from Day One. And then she said, "See, I'd like to 'date' you." The air quotation marks are hers, not mine.

Number One Fan (NOF)

NOF was actually really nice for a while. I think I probably should've realized that she would be trouble, though, when she told me how old she was (29) and her plans for the future (which definitely include children; mine do, too, but in more of the theoretical sense than anything else.)

We had a lot of fun for a while until she started hinting at how much more time she wanted to spend with me, asking me why I have to go to D.C. two nights a week (for school, by the way), and talking about how her friends are really happy with their live-in boyfriends. All of that's fine, except...these were pretty much her only talking points. There was also the really awkward time when she came over while my brother and sister were visiting and wouldn't stop trying to feel me up. (This becomes a theme; see Handjob Girl, Zombie.) My favorite nugget, though, was the conversation where she started talking about how her biological clock only had a few years left on it. Okay, so she didn't come right out and say that, but that was the thrust of the conversation. Bear in mind: I met her in late September; we only spent a few weeks together.

I think she realized I was getting a little annoyed with her wanting a full-on relationship very quickly because, on the day that we got together and I was going to either end things completely or ask to take a step back, she did a preemptive break-up. It's a brilliant plan, normally, but it backfired a bit for her. Usually, the preemptive break-up is meant to make the dumpee desire the dumper that much more, but it didn't work at all here. Much to her chagrin.

NOF and I parted ways fairly amicably. Or, at least, I thought we did. She apparently wrote me an email that she thought was very angry-sounding [I read it. It wasn't. -H], as she wrote me about a week later apologizing for it. I spent quite a bit of time re-reading the first one, trying to parse out what could've been seen as harsh invective, to no avail.

Thankfully, the next couple of weeks were fairly quiet with few crazies coming around. Until Zombie Handjob Girl.

Zombie Handjob Girl (ZHJG)

This is actually one of my favorites. I went up to Boston for a race and gave a ride there and back to three other people. Anyway, one of the passengers offered to drive on the way back so I could get some much-needed sleep. I crawled into the backseat, which I was sharing with one of the female passengers, and pulled my jacket over me as I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I thought to myself, "Huh. When did I grow this third hand? And why is it on my inner, upper thigh?" The realization dawned on me: I didn't have a third appendage. That was someone else's hand. I looked over at the person sharing the backseat with me, ZHJG, and...well. Fill in the blanks. [He's leaving out the part where the first sensation he felt was not arousal, but primal terror at the thought of being pleasured by a disembodied hand. My initial reaction to this story, before ZHJG's Godzilla began raining fire and death on Tolsun's Tokyo (so to speak), went something like this: "You know, eventually you'll develop feelings for this girl. And one day you'll be having an intimate dinner, nervous but confident enough to make your move, and to break the ice you'll tell her how you thought her advances were a severed zombie hand, and you'll wonder, HONESTLY WONDER, why she doesn't respond more favorably. And that's why we're friends." Given her later behavior, that scene will never come to pass, but at least she got a cute nickname out of the whole mess.]

Anyway, the next weekend I went to a Halloween party and met a girl who has proven to be less crazy than any of the above. As of 15:09 on 29 December 2005, I'm still seeing her. (Trust me, this sort of accuracy as to the time and date is necessary.) ZHJG knows about this but, despite my clarity on the subject (me: "ZHJG, I'm seeing someone and I don't want to Ruin It."), she keeps on (A) making advances and (B) trying to set me up with a friend of hers. Evidence? She asked me to go to her departmental "holiday party" (read: PC Kwaanza celebration), a black-tie optional affair. I thought, "Sweet. I can get my drunk on at the Open Bar and I get to try to look good doing it." She, apparently, though, "Sweet. I can get Tolsun to go out with my friend from Canadia." I just got an email from ZHJG the other day "introducing" me to her friend that I'm supposed to accompany to the party and a second email saying, in essence, "Tolsun, I think you'd really like this girl. She's smart and hottt." Okay, so I added a few Ts to that sentence. [The events leading up to and including the black-tie evening are related below the TS story.]

Should I complain? No, not at all. But I'm apparently very good at bringing out the Crazy in girls very quickly, as evidenced by Total Stranger at Barley's the other night.

Total Stranger (TS)

Holly, Jesse, Nathaniel, Christina and I went out to Barley's over Thanksgiving weekend after a hell of a time at Blakenship Field. We played a little Foosball and I noticed someone that looked very, very familiar. I asked Holly if she recognized the girl in the red jacket (Total Stranger, or TS); she said that the girl looked familiar. I resolved to find out if we did know her. (Nothing else, I swear.) I asked TS if she'd gone to UTC. She said she'd gone there for a semester, and I said that the girl I was thinking of was there for at least a year or two. TS told me her name and I figured out that she wasn't the girl I was thinking of but someone completely different. I told TS, though, that she looked exactly like someone I'd sort of known in college. Her response?

"Was she beautiful, too?" [He's not making it scary enough. Her eyes rolled over white like a shark's.]

That's the second-best line ever used in Barley's, just behind, "Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Margaret Thatcher?" [And he wonders why howl-at-the-moon lunatic bitches flock to him in droves, or whatever you call groups of women (covens?).]

11:02:29 AM Tolsun: oh, zombie hand job girl's latest trick
11:02:37 AM Holly: SPILL.
11:03:10 AM Tolsun: anyway, did i tell you about the black tie party?
11:03:20 AM Tolsun: this saturday night?
11:03:34 AM Holly: Yeah. You going with her friend?
11:03:51 AM Tolsun: yup. did i tell you about "chance encounter" number one?
11:04:09 AM Holly: No.
11:05:40 AM Tolsun: i usually spend fridays working at the coffee shop a couple of blocks from my house.
11:06:11 AM Tolsun: more often than not, i run into zhjg and her friend (pitbull) there. it's sometimes uncomfortable, but usually entertaining, to say the least.
11:06:56 AM Tolsun: so, last friday i went there to study as usual and ran into zhjg and pitbull as usual. i'm at my table, they're at theirs (next to mine), and then zhjg gets a call on her phone.
11:07:08 AM Tolsun: says, "oh, okay, great. no, don't worry about being late. i'm gonna be here all day."
11:07:49 AM Tolsun: few minutes later, zhjg's friend (the person i'm going to the party with) cruises in. zhjg is like, great you could make it, don't worry about the lateness, etc.
11:08:38 AM Holly: God, they're FRIENDS? Some of these girls KNOW each other? That makes it so much worse.
11:08:43 AM Tolsun: then: "[name], this is tolsun. tolsun, this is [friend.]" zhjg goes back to her table. friend sits down. apparently, i was set up on a blind date that only one party knew about.
11:09:06 AM Holly: Wow.
11:09:12 AM Holly: Um....I'd bail.
11:09:17 AM Tolsun: not entirely uncomfortable, i'll admit, but a bit awkward, especially when zhjg and pitbull started making fun of stuff that i was saying
11:09:27 AM Tolsun: eg: "oh, he's talking about rowing again."
11:09:30 AM Holly: Wow. ThAT's not crazy.
11:10:39 AM Tolsun: ....no....no...
11:09:58 AM Tolsun: (she was a former canadian junior national team rower. we had a lot to talk about re: the sport.) anyway, yeah, the free booze is what's drawing me to the party.
11:10:29 AM Tolsun: but isn't this priceless? don't you wish you had as high an entertainment factor in your life as i do in mine?
11:11:05 AM Holly: I'm kinda terrified by the other two girls.
11:12:08 AM Tolsun: which? zhjg and pitbull?
11:13:05 AM Holly: Yeah
11:13:24 AM Holly: Pulling that kind of stunt just smacks of Crazy.
11:13:32 AM Holly: However harmless the outcome.
11:14:29 AM Tolsun: indeed. it's...a bizzare situation, to be sure. but i will not be driven out of my coffeeshop, dammit. i live closest to that place out of all of us (two blocks for me, i think six for pitbull, and about a mile for zhjg.)
11:15:45 AM Holly: Alternatively, IM me with an innocuous code word (Seriously, girls do this) and I'll call you so you can say "Excuse me, I need to take this", and instead of actually leaving, pointedly turn away and start talking about tax brackets.
11:16:27 AM Tolsun: oh, like a safe word, but more uncomfortable. i like it.
11:16:42 AM Tolsun: i guess "help" is too obvious. how about "ball gag"?
11:16:55 AM Holly: (no.)
11:19:27 AM Tolsun: colonel angus?
11:27:18 AM Holly: Sure.
11:27:48 AM Tolsun: good.

But the safety word would not save him:

10:13:23 AM Holly: Ok, I'm up. Tell me about the black tie thing.
10:14:50 AM Tolsun: oh. okay. where to start. well, the evening actually started pretty well. the girl i was supposed to accompany (w____) said sorry for zombie handjob girl being so crazy
10:15:13 AM Tolsun: said, "i know you're seeing someone, so let's not make this weird." something about just having fun, blah blah blah. i was like, "cool."
10:15:29 AM Tolsun: but then she started to get her drunk on. way, way on.
10:15:45 AM Holly: ...
10:15:59 AM Tolsun: sorry, was pouring coffee
10:16:26 AM Holly: No, ellipses of dread, not impatience.
10:16:22 AM Tolsun: at one point, i had to literally help her up off the floor...while standing in a room full of her professors...and her cackling loudly. very messy
10:16:59 AM Tolsun: then: zhjg asked me to help her fend off advances from this guy who "has been trying to bed me for the past year and a half."
10:17:08 AM Holly: Wait, she was there?
10:17:22 AM Tolsun: oh, yeah. i guess i forgot to mention that. yes, she was there.
10:17:46 AM Tolsun: i played along for a minute after he walked up. zhjg turned to say something to w____ and the guy leaned in to say, "so, are you the boyfriend?" i was like, "no, man, go for it."
10:17:59 AM Holly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA
10:18:36 AM Tolsun: then zhjg turned back and i said something about going to get a drink, did either of them want anything, and zhjg said, "i'll go with you." i kind of waved her off and said, "no! please, you two get caught up. i'll be right back. merlot for you and pinot for you?"
10:19:05 AM Tolsun: when i came back, he'd sidled up to her and had his hand on her back...and she had her hand, palm facing outwards, planted firmly on her ass to fend off any advances. it was classic.
10:19:22 AM Holly: Awesome.
10:21:16 AM Tolsun: that's when the assaults on my purity began in earnest. zhjg was all over me (hand on my chest, etc), while i'm trying to shake her off and wave the other guy in simultaneously. meanwhile, w____ is drunk enough that she's starting to, uh, feel it (so to speak) and decides that she doesn't want to go home alone. and then this friend of w____'s and zhjg's comes up and starts talking to the group of us. she's from south carolina and decided upon hearing that i moved here from tennessee i was southern and, thus, we were Made For Each Other.
10:21:19 AM Tolsun: so, snapshot:
10:22:48 AM Tolsun: one horny guy trying to bed zhjg, who is trying to fend off the horny guy by trying to feel me up. one really tall former canadian junior national team rower (w____) falling on her ass drunk trying to get me to leave the party. right. now. one southern girl elbowing her way into the circle of disgust asking if we were going to the after party.
10:22:53 AM Tolsun: my response to all of this?
10:23:17 AM Tolsun: "hey, y'all, i've gotta go to the restroom, but i'll be back in a sec." the restroom is on the way to the coat check is on the way to the backdoor. i was in bed within an hour.
10:23:34 AM Holly: You LEFT HER THERE?
10:24:11 AM Tolsun: well, it was about 30 feet from her house (literally across the street.) so yes.
10:24:19 AM Holly: Ah, ok.
10:25:23 AM Tolsun: i know. that was an enormous dick move on my part, but it was just way, way, way too much to handle in one night.
10:26:04 AM Tolsun: in my defense, i did call shortly after leaving (standing on the sidewalk) to let her know that i'd slipped out and would walk her home if she really needed it. she went home with zhjg, though. interesting.
10:27:19 AM Holly: (I know I keep asking, but how does this kind of thing continue to happen to you?)
10:27:40 AM Tolsun: i really don't know. i probably set myself up for failure by being too charming

And shortly after THAT, ZHJG basically fired him from the position of Close Friend (they weren't):

ZHG: i was just getting ready to write a long serious email, which is out of character for me... i'm not one for creating drama. but i've been thinking about it and i don't think we should be close friends anymore. i do, on one level really enjoy your company. as a result, i recognize that it will difficult for me initially to cut things off with you, but... that's what i think is best.
ZHG: sorry
Tolsun: i figured as much
ZHG: yeah, sorry
Tolsun: the question, though (and a fair one) is why
ZHG: there are a number of aspects of your personality/our relationship that i find frustrating
ZHG: you are who you are
ZHG: and if i can't accept all of you, that is my problem
ZHG: i recognize this
ZHG: you're a great person and i totally respect you
ZHG: but you don't want to be friends with someone who has outburts like that
ZHG: and i don't want to be in a friendship like that either
Tolsun: explain: ZHG: but you don't want to be friends with someone who has outburts like that
ZHG: me, when i get really frustrated and hit you in the face
ZHG: are we cool?
Tolsun: what you have said is understood.
ZHG: any concluding remarks?
Tolsun: thinking
ZHG: Tolsun is thinking...
Tolsun: no. just, goodbye and good luck.
ZHG: likewise
ZHG: it's been a pleasure
Tolsun: right

THIS conversation has been followed up with a steady barrage of just-to-chat text messages and IMs (all initiated by ZHJG, who seems less than deterred by a total lack of response) (Tolsun, if you want to share any of these, feel free). As of press time, she's still at large.

In the meantime, though....Tolsun Met A Girl, Again.

St. Pauli Girl (SPG)

Initially, there was some drama that led to me instructing him in the fine art of Passive-Aggressive Internet Trench Bitch Warfare:

11:24:50 AM Tolsun: i also decided to change the away message to something a bit more fun, though i'm not sure this is the precise effect i was going for
11:24:50 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): Never, ever trust a $5 hooker.
11:25:09 AM Holly: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11:25:10 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): Never, ever trust a $5 hooker.
11:25:22 AM Holly: OOOH
11:25:31 AM Holly: Know what you should change it to?
11:25:39 AM Tolsun: dish
11:25:41 AM Holly: Pick some girl's name
11:25:59 AM Holly: And be all, "I miss you, _____". See you in __ days. Can't wait".
11:26:07 AM Holly: No explanation.
11:26:15 AM Holly: What's a slutty name......
11:26:20 AM Tolsun: i would use your name, but that's her middle name. (sorry.)
11:26:22 AM Holly: Tammy?
11:26:23 AM Tolsun: candy, maybe?
11:26:29 AM Holly: Ewwwww.
11:26:33 AM Tolsun: candi?
11:26:41 AM Holly: No, not a hooker, just a friendly slut.
11:27:04 AM Tolsun: anna?
11:27:13 AM Holly: No, sluttier than that.
11:27:12 AM Tolsun: nikki!
11:27:15 AM Holly: YES.
11:27:27 AM Tolsun: YES. A THOUSAND TIMES YES.
11:27:29 AM Tolsun: hang on
11:27:53 AM Tolsun: perfect, i think
11:28:04 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:28:10 AM Holly: No!! I miss you TOO
11:28:16 AM Holly: Say I miss you too
11:28:22 AM Tolsun: ok, hang on
11:28:37 AM Holly: "I miss you too, nikki. Can't wait for Wednesday."
11:28:38 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:29:00 AM Holly: Mwa HA HA HA HA
11:29:02 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you too, Nikki. See you Wednesday!
11:29:04 AM Tolsun: ugh. hang on again.
11:29:14 AM Holly: Warfare takes careful preparation.
11:29:40 AM Tolsun: done and done
11:29:45 AM Holly: Let's see.
11:29:45 AM Tolsun (Autoreply): I miss you too, Nikki. Can't wait for Wednesday!
11:29:48 AM Holly: Perfect.
11:30:13 AM Holly: Not a care in the world, and a slutty girl at the end of the line.
11:30:28 AM Holly: Well done. Go about your day, Mean Girl Grasshopper.
11:30:38 AM Tolsun: thank you. can do.

But against all odds, busy lives, and his personality (love you, man), she still likes him. Which is not to say the comedy's dried up:

12:19:51 AM Tolsun: well, you're direct, at least. what now? leave her alone? play the game?
12:20:28 AM Holly: What game? You like her. She has your tongue in her mouth to tell you that. But she's busy. Give her some space. This will pass.
12:20:39 AM Holly: Being crazy will not, but that's why you have me.
12:21:52 AM Tolsun: many thanks. i guess now's the time to lay low, let her get in touch when she can (which was the essence of a message i left), etc.
12:22:07 AM Holly: Do NOT follow up.
12:22:25 AM Holly: ....would a fishing analogy help?
12:22:37 AM Tolsun: i guess
12:22:59 AM Holly: Feed her some line and let her tire herself out.
12:23:15 AM Holly: .....before you reel her in by a jagged metal hook through her lip, gut her, and eat her.
12:23:58 AM Tolsun: i've already used all my good lines, and eating her i think should come after at least the fifth or sixth date.
12:24:09 AM Tolsun: it's just a precursor to tampons in my bathroom
12:24:33 AM Holly: That's not what I meant by line....but hey, if she didn't run screaming after the Margaret Thatcher bit, she's, to continue this unfortunate metaphor, a Keeper.
12:25:09 AM Tolsun: i didn't use the margaret thatcher bit on her. but i did use the snake charmer line
12:25:49 AM Holly: On one hand, if that didn't kill any spark, nothing will; but still best to play it safe.
12:26:10 AM Holly: Also, this gives us several days of "Don't worry! I won't call her!" jokes to lighten the mood.
12:26:48 AM Tolsun: true.

Laff Riot 29: Highway to Hell

Merry Chrishmoos:

3:39:37 PM nastinchka (Autoreply): Christmas Eve with the outlaws. I'm packing heat (where "heat" implies "dinosaur robot").

Nastinchka (15:16:09): When do you leave for Poland?
Eegah820690903 (15:17:08): umm, I'll be advancing through the Czech lands by train, narrowly averting my own capture. I'll make it to the Czech/Polish border, cross on foot, walk to a bus station, and then get my bus to whatever this town is called.
Eegah820690903 (15:17:19): What could go wrong?
Eegah820690903 (15:18:22): yeah. we were dealing with so much stuff at the end of the summer that I didn't get a check card. The money I brought with me was spent on LSD and fanta, and now I'm waiting for a package that should be here tomorrow. Or I will be very grumpy
Eegah820690903 (15:19:12): Poland will be fun, but I really should be in O-Town or K- Town throwing back shots of my big black clock and chillin' with Team Zissou
Eegah820690903 (15:20:22): did I just say big black clock? Jesiz Christ
Nastinchka (15:20:41): How very Continental of you, old chap.

It's the degeneration from high-minded political grandstanding to gurgles that makes it Art:
8:53:15 PM nastinchka: What's this about working on Das Hill?
8:53:42 PM jangel139: well, that's where I want to work next summer
8:53:43 PM jangel139: .... I think
8:53:47 PM nastinchka: Awesome.
8:54:29 PM jangel139: but do I want to work there bad enough to work for The Devil? like, should I apply to work for bill Frist - his internship program is one of the better ones but I Hate Him And Everything He Stands For
8:54:37 PM nastinchka: NO.
8:54:40 PM nastinchka: NO, Joy.
8:54:46 PM nastinchka: It's called Work.
8:54:54 PM nastinchka: It would be your JOB, YOUR JOB to advance his agenda.
8:55:03 PM nastinchka: His agenda of hate and fear and discrimination.
8:55:25 PM nastinchka: And even if he weren't evil, you shouldn't take any job that's against your principles that much.
8:55:31 PM nastinchka: There are Other Internships.
8:55:32 PM nastinchka: No.
8:55:33 PM nastinchka: No.
8:55:34 PM nastinchka: no.
8:55:45 PM nastinchka: Also, I know two kids who went through it, and they said it wasn't all that.
8:55:52 PM nastinchka: *deep breath*
8:55:53 PM nastinchka: No.
8:59:08 PM nastinchka: *crickets*
8:59:13 PM nastinchka: .....*pet*
8:59:40 PM jangel139: hehe
8:59:54 PM jangel139: I wasn't talking because I was copy pasting that to everyone who asked me why I thought working for Frist would be compromising my morals 9:00:38 PM nastinchka: Bawwww.
9:00:49 PM jangel139: I do love you.
9:00:52 PM nastinchka: Yeah. There are eight billion internships in DC.
9:00:54 PM jangel139: you're very good at saying the things I can't.
9:00:58 PM nastinchka: I love you a very lot much.
9:01:12 PM nastinchka: That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. I'm serious.
9:01:26 PM jangel139: well I meant it.
9:01:42 PM nastinchka: Ah luuuuuuv yew.
9:02:00 PM jangel139: ahhhhhh luuuuv yewww I honestly luuuuv yeeeeew
9:02:09 PM nastinchka: Roo are my sunshine.
9:02:22 PM jangel139: skinamarink a dink a dink, skinamarink a doo, I love roooo
9:02:38 PM nastinchka: Every time roo go awaaaaay
9:02:47 PM nastinchka: Roo take a piece of meee (skin) with roo
9:03:00 PM jangel139: damn straight I do
9:03:34 PM jangel139: your alabaster skin
9:03:39 PM jangel139: untouched by the sun's rays
9:03:47 PM nastinchka: Joan and I spent the better part of the ballgame last night coming up with Christmas carols that involve eating people's skin.
9:04:32 PM nastinchka: ...hello?
9:04:49 PM nastinchka: Not YOUR skin.
9:04:45 PM jangel139: oh you think you can scare me away that easily?
9:04:47 PM jangel139: wroooong
9:04:51 PM nastinchka: Good.
9:07:11 PM jangel139: not my pretty (mostly translucent) (even though I'm fucking Italian) skin
9:07:37 PM nastinchka: Not that, no.

Joan went away (6:49:21)
Away Message: I heard this terrifying peal of thunder directly outside my window, and my first thought was not "Oh, thunder" but "SITH LORDS ATTACKING IN THE RIGHT QUADRANT LIGHTSABERS OUT FORCE BE WITH" and then I realized it was thunder and I kind of laughed to myself, but really my hand was still clenched around my flashlight that I was going to use as a lightsabre. Have a nice night.

8:43:25 PM nastinchka (Autoreply): Recovering from my night of blackout drinking with my boss's boss's bosses. At $75 a glass, you'd think Caymus would make you invincible. You would be painfully wrong.

8:30:37 AM ortwaddle: i was trying to think of a christmas present to give _____. (i figure it's probably not a bad idea.) i want it to be relatively low-key, so i'm going to see what plays are going to be showing in january. but those tickets will be in the second envelope
8:30:53 AM ortwaddle: in the first envelope will be tickets to the gun show. *fleeeex*

9:16:02 AM nastinchka: ...If you abandon hard science, I get to call you lazy, right?
9:17:06 AM nicodemus055: Feel free to, but if I'm getting an MPP at the Kennedy School your teasing won't be too hard to bear.
9:18:38 AM nastinchka: Yeah, but see, in exchange, you get to be, if possible, Even More Insufferable than before. When you debate a point in your current field, you're a lot more likely to be able to back up your position with numbers. This way you can twirl a lock of hair, assume a lofty pose, and intone something about nuances that no one will be able to challenge with empirical proof. What fun!

12:49:00 PM liviaharlowe: HOW DO YOU EFF UP A HALLOWEEN PARTY
12:49:20 PM liviaharlowe: its okay, by doing this, they are making our reign look so much more impressive
12:49:41 PM nastinchka: I know, right?
12:50:02 PM liviaharlowe: remember OUR last 2 halloween parties?
12:50:10 PM nastinchka: Blurrily.
12:51:11 PM liviaharlowe: US: Debauched table dancing at kilt-clad Ferguson's house. THEM: Dreary small talk at the appetizer table
12:51:43 PM liviaharlowe: US: Bloodsoaked romp through Castle Greyskull THEM: Milquetoast viewing of heavily-edited Halloween on TBS
12:51:47 PM nastinchka: Us: Sugar shock and alcohol poisoning.
12:51:59 PM nastinchka: Them: Wine coolers and Tostitos.
12:53:46 PM liviaharlowe: US: attempted rape by drunken professor, followed by stripteasing on trampoline THEM: no attempted rape, because no one looks pretty, and no trampoline.
12:54:33 PM nastinchka: Us: Operation Sleep It Off. Them: Operation Well, I Better Go, I Have A Midterm at 9.
12:54:36 PM nastinchka: Amateurs.
12:54:48 PM liviaharlowe: I KNOW
12:54:58 PM liviaharlowe: remember our ginormous haul of candy?
12:55:07 PM liviaharlowe: that was incredible, and the best idea we EVER had.
12:56:15 PM liviaharlowe: how did people fall for that
12:56:21 PM nastinchka: We're cute.
12:56:27 PM liviaharlowe: good times.

1:11:23 PM liviaharlowe: love my duckie!!
1:11:31 PM nastinchka: EW
1:11:42 PM nastinchka: I had totally forgotten about that voice. Thanks a fucking lot.
1:11:50 PM liviaharlowe: jay left it on my voicemail yesterday
1:11:54 PM liviaharlowe: its like the ring, i have to pass it on
1:12:02 PM nastinchka: WE SHOULD TAKE HIM TO THE MAZE
1:12:11 PM liviaharlowe: RIGHT HOLLY
1:12:13 PM liviaharlowe: RIGHT
1:12:20 PM nastinchka: I'M SERIOUS
1:12:39 PM liviaharlowe: SO WHEN HE GETS LOST AND WE FIND HIM WHIMPERING AND NAKED IN A BED OF CORNSTALKS, WE CAN BE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO WRAP HIM UP IN OUR SWEATERS AND STROKE HIS HAIR AND TAKE HIM HOME
1:12:54 PM nastinchka: HOW IS THAT NOT FUN?
1:13:04 PM liviaharlowe: ITS A BRAND NEW SWEATER

Nastinchka (Autoreply): Gah. Flat on my back in bed with a Tummy Bug. Entertain me.
Big Evil: You didn't look flat on your back when I left... oh, wait. *grin*
Nastinchka: Grrrrr.
Nastinchka: Animals are dangerous when cornered or injured. My Tummy Hurts. Rarrrrr.
Big Evil: *hiding*

3:31:19 PM nastinchka: Also, I love your Colts comment.
3:33:23 PM liviaharlowe: it makes me SO ANGRY when people are like "you only support the colts because they're winning!" and i want to scream "johnny unitas is my mom's godfather! and my grandfather was the team photographer!" in their FAT FACES.

8:17:22 PM nastinchka: Hey, we're social pioneers in this thing. There will be casualties. It's like the Oregon Trail, only with marginally less cholera.
8:17:45 PM alateinertia: only marginally though

3:25:22 PM nastinchka: Ok, you have to change your profile to say we're married or it won't work.
3:25:39 PM liviaharlowe: I WANT TO MARRY MR SHEFFIELD
3:25:49 PM liviaharlowe: CHANGE YOUR NAME TO MAXWELL SHEFFIELD
3:25:52 PM nastinchka: ....I could change my name? On Facebook?'
3:25:55 PM liviaharlowe: ...NOT ON FACEBOOK...
3:25:58 PM liviaharlowe: IN REAL LIFE
3:26:07 PM nastinchka: God, and I was SURE you would recoil in horror at the suggestion.
3:27:21 PM liviaharlowe: do it.
3:27:22 PM liviaharlowe: NOW.
3:27:46 PM nastinchka: On my way to the courthouse.
3:29:06 PM liviaharlowe: there. we're married. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY
3:29:48 PM nastinchka: We can leave this up long enough to draw shrieks from our supplicants, then move on to Elijah and Andrew McCarthy.
3:30:01 PM liviaharlowe: it wont let us marry non-facebookies.
3:30:09 PM nastinchka: Selfishes.
3:30:09 PM liviaharlowe: JUST LIKE THE SUPREME COURT.
3:30:26 PM nastinchka: Is facebook saying all non-collegiates are gay??
3:30:45 PM nastinchka: because if they think no sodomy has resulted from their project, they are egregiously misinformed.
3:31:11 PM liviaharlowe: Seriously. Ask D____.

9:36:23 PM nastinchka: I'm a baking dervish, but I'll be back at laptop intermittently.
10:32:55 PM jangel139: a baking dervish?
10:32:56 PM nastinchka: Baking, dervishly. Am attempting my late grandmother's cursed coconut cake (recipe cursed, not cake). It's like the tower of Babel, but with simple syrup. V. scruffy. Still not king.
10:33:03 PM jangel139: is that related to the whirling kind?
10:37:21 PM nastinchka: yesh

10:51:37 AM nastinchka: THAT's a new one.
10:51:38 AM ortwaddle (Autoreply): You must be a snake charmer, because you make these pythons want to dance.
10:52:00 AM ortwaddle: yeah. they get better. check out what i said to micki on date numero dos:
10:52:10 AM ortwaddle: "i'm glad you're a vet student, 'cause these pythons are sick."
10:52:44 AM ortwaddle: i know. i kill myself with humor sometimes.
10:57:31 AM ortwaddle: you'd be surprised at how amazed some people get when they find out how many of these i know
10:57:39 AM ortwaddle: ...then again, you probably wouldn't be
10:57:42 AM nastinchka: Nope.
10:59:36 AM ortwaddle: how about this? "i just got invited to multi-party talks at the white house. they want to talk about disarming these nukes." *flexes*
10:59:44 AM nastinchka: Wow.
10:59:46 AM ortwaddle: needs work, i know, but that's off the top of my head
11:00:13 AM ortwaddle: "gas prices going up sure depress the hell out of me. means i've gotta pay more to fuel these diesels."
11:00:38 AM ortwaddle: "i'm suing nbc. i mean, i trademarked the name for law and order here." *flexing alternate arms*
11:01:20 AM ortwaddle: "i'm gonna get a couple of tats right here. [point to quads] big dollar signs for the money makers."
11:01:30 AM ortwaddle: it's fun to pretend to be that self-involved.
11:01:45 AM ortwaddle: (the obvious joke from you would be, "pretend?" but we'll take that as read, ok?)
11:02:07 AM nastinchka: Already done.
11:02:16 AM ortwaddle: good
11:05:11 AM nastinchka: "KNow why they haven't found Osama? Cause he's hiding behind this ROCK!" (flexes)
11:05:28 AM ortwaddle: AH HAHAHAHAHAHA. and now for the ctrl + v

5:43:35 PM liviaharlowe: GOTH TWEEN GIRL AT MALL #1: Do you have the Satanic Bible?
5:43:58 PM liviaharlowe: JOAN: No, we don't have it in stock.
5:43:58 PM liviaharlowe: GOTH TWEEN GIRL AT MALL #2: ...RACISTS.

7:05:51 PM liviaharlowe: how is princess grace?
7:09:06 PM nastinchka: Stalky.
7:09:11 PM liviaharlowe: thats so creepy
7:09:17 PM nastinchka: I know, right?
7:09:24 PM liviaharlowe: i want to watch grace and little adolf jr. fight
7:09:31 PM nastinchka: SHE NAMED IT ADOLF???
7:09:33 PM liviaharlowe: NO
7:09:43 PM liviaharlowe: but its not exactly outside the realm of possibility, is it?
7:09:49 PM nastinchka: No, not At All.

7:31:00 PM liviaharlowe: SEAN: Where's my coat?
MOM: Over there.
JOAN: Use your eyes, kid.
SEAN: I don't HAVE to use my eyes! I'M AN AMERICAN!
(Long, pregnant pause)
SEAN: ...My forefathers died so I wouldn't have to use my eyes.
7:32:15 PM liviaharlowe: he makes me so proud.

2:36:33 PM nastinchka: I have the Best Idea Ever, Ever.
2:36:41 PM nastinchka: (Best = Worst.)
2:36:42 PM jangel139: oh?
2:36:47 PM jangel139: obvi.
2:36:52 PM nastinchka: So I cannot stop thinkking about hideously inapt shows for Morristown to do now that they don't have Chicago or Peter Pan.
2:37:38 PM nastinchka: And one of the first I thought of was, obviously, Miss Saigon.
2:37:38 PM jangel139: oh no..
2:37:53 PM nastinchka: Because they've never seen an Asian person in their provincial lives.
2:38:01 PM jangel139: right, because nothing says Good Theatre like a helicopter crashing to the stage and killing the cast.
2:38:04 PM nastinchka: And then I moved on to other shows.
2:38:15 PM nastinchka: But then I came back to Miss Saigon.
2:38:29 PM nastinchka: Because of six words that won't get out of my head:
2:38:40 PM jangel139: oh no ...
2:38:50 PM nastinchka: "And A_____ C_________ as The Helicopter".
2:39:00 PM jangel139: oh no.
2:39:12 PM nastinchka: Oh, yes.
2:39:16 PM jangel139: DON'T YOU LAUGH
2:39:19 PM jangel139: DON'T YOU EVER LAUGH
2:39:22 PM nastinchka: The whisk ballet was only the beginning
2:39:39 PM nastinchka: DON'T LAUGH OR I'LL CUT YOU WITH MY METAPHYSICAL ROTOR BLADES OF BALLETIC PRECISION
2:39:40 PM jangel139: I can see how he can go from playing The Rug to playing The Helecopter.
2:39:57 PM nastinchka: ....with a capital Hell.
2:40:09 PM jangel139: it's so true.
2:40:14 PM nastinchka: Seriously. A______ would stage a fucking dream ballet around the helicopter.
2:40:28 PM nastinchka: Which is the kind of thing that I would do, true,but I would do it ironically.

12:44:27 PM nastinchka: Kisses
12:44:33 PM liviaharlowe: bye
12:44:37 PM liviaharlowe: excuse me
12:44:38 PM liviaharlowe: BAAAAAAAAAH
12:44:43 PM nastinchka: gaaaaaaaaaaaagbgbgbgbbg
12:44:51 PM nastinchka: (gurgle)
12:44:57 PM liviaharlowe: chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
12:45:00 PM nastinchka: gnnnnnnnnnnnnn
12:45:03 PM liviaharlowe: (hiss)
12:45:10 PM nastinchka: ....miaow?
12:45:11 PM liviaharlowe: k
12:45:11 PM liviaharlowe: go now.
12:45:16 PM nastinchka: rarrrr!!!!
12:45:18 PM nastinchka: ...kay.
12:45:20 PM liviaharlowe: IM SO ICY
12:45:27 PM nastinchka: WE WANT PRENUP
12:45:31 PM nastinchka: No, YOU hang up
12:45:32 PM liviaharlowe: JESUS WALKS WITH ME
12:45:36 PM nastinchka: with me
12:45:37 PM nastinchka: with me
12:45:39 PM nastinchka: with me
12:45:40 PM liviaharlowe: (with me)
12:45:41 PM nastinchka: ch ch ch ch
12:45:48 PM nastinchka: he he he he he
12:45:50 PM nastinchka: ha ha ha ha ha
12:45:54 PM liviaharlowe: GOD
12:45:55 PM liviaharlowe: JUST LEAVE
12:46:01 PM nastinchka: fa la la la la la la la
12:46:04 PM nastinchka: [scene]

Hi.

And just when I was getting on a roll again, the internets done up and quit on me. Comcast will die a peasant's death.

Here's what I've been reading while invisible:

• No Quarter
• The advent of Linklater.
• Best Headline Ever.
• Old news, but more relevant than ever with the holidays upon us and multitudes still in need.
• Write your elected reps and ask them why they want you to get cancer.
• He'll think twice once Spawn's got his son in a leg-lock (the sexy kind).
• How are we not here right now? every year?
• What I really, really want for my impending birthday.
• Jesse, on the other hand, clearly never updates because he's too busy planting fake birthdays on Facebook for attention and devoting every remaining moment to this.
• It seems Shalonda (of He My Cousin™ fame) is all growed up...and hateratin' on K-Fed. (Do I really know this is her? Of course not. Could it be? Scroll down and see for yourself. You're looking for the IM interview.)
• Wax Hoff. When we get FistFrist.org up and running, it will look something like this. Only with fisting. (He's gotta loosen up somehow.)
• And just in time for Christmas, I get my three minutes of Internet Glory...sort of.

The Streets of Heaven are Too Crowded with Angels Tonight.

His Emmy acceptance speech in 2002 is one of the all-time greats, and I defy you to read it without shivering:

Look at my compadres. They are so happy for me, and that says it all about The West Wing. We were there. We work so hard to serve this brilliant writing. I serve at the genius and the art of Aaron Sorkin, one of the greatest writers of all time. An actor is only as good as the material he gets, and we are given gold, week after week after week. I don't know how he does it.

An extraordinary cast of actors; each and everyone of them makes me better than I am. Wonderful directors, Tommy Schlamme, whose passion, artistic passion, is boundless. John Wells, a gentleman and a scholar...and a producer.

You know, I never wanted to do anything but act; it saved my life. It's the reason I get up in the morning. It's my opiate. The prize for me was always getting my next gig so I could do this wonderful thing that I love. So this, my friends, is deliciously redundant. Thank you.

Laff Riot 28: Peresnarka

There's a stocking stuffer joke here somewhere, but I just can't get to it:

9:18:04 PM Holly: Want to hear the next chapter of my attempt to sleep my way (well, Joy's way) into the Supreme Court?
9:18:41 PM Nick: Sure
9:18:53 PM Nick: But then I have to learn an enzyme pathway.

12:38:25 PM Holly: God. Just graduate already and let's go make our own reality show.
12:38:44 PM Holly: That somehow just involves us being fabulous and needlessly catty to everyone we encounter.
12:38:55 PM Holly: That'll put the "real" in reality.
12:39:04 PM Holly: FOX'll love it.
12:39:22 PM Ryan: well, there will be a lot of casual sex.
12:39:40 PM Ryan: and drinking.
12:40:16 PM Holly: And coups.
12:40:56 PM Ryan: i think most shows are lacking in coups.
12:41:20 PM Holly: Yeah, where's our reality show for the sucession to the emperor's throne in Japan or something?
12:41:26 PM Holly: There's some stakes, right there.
12:41:45 PM Ryan: actually, that could be the reality show -- the harlowe/moran regime is placed in charge of some small country and has 1 year to whip it into shape.
12:42:14 PM Ryan: extreme makeover: lithuania.
12:43:17 PM Holly: There's an alliterative joke about boobs and the Baltic that I can't quite reach, but it's a start..
12:44:28 PM Holly: Also, there will be pageants.
12:44:57 PM Ryan: well, it will be rewritten by the network monkeys anyway.
12:45:27 PM Holly: Not after we have our own network.
12:45:35 PM Ryan: can the pageants be for prettiest guerilla/assassin
12:46:00 PM Holly: YES. "You can't spell assassin without ASS! So WORK IT!"
12:47:17 PM Ryan: let's see your talent at dispatching an enemy with an m16!
12:47:29 PM Holly: ....and then twirling it.
12:49:05 PM Holly: And instead of George and Carolyn we'll have Julie Andrews and Slobodan Milosevic. (Well, actually, I'd totally want Carolyn there.)
12:50:23 PM Ryan: oh, that goes without saying.
12:50:23 PM Ryan: i think her and slobodan are practically the same person

9:05:51 AM Nick: How high do you have to be to rate secret service?
9:05:59 AM Nick: Do Supreme Court Justices get them?
9:06:09 AM Nick: Do their families?
9:06:38 AM Holly: Justices? Probably. Families? I don't know. I mean, even if something were to happen to one of them there's eight more to influence. Doesn't seem to be much point.
9:07:32 AM Nick: Yeah, but aren't they worried about crazy right-wingers who would want to shoot a crazy, liberal, fetus killer?
9:07:53 AM Holly: ....Alito? He'd only kill a baby if it was poor. And he was hungry.
9:07:34 AM Holly: Sandra Day O'Connor is so selfish.
9:07:46 AM Nick: No kidding. Get your ass back on that bench, woman.
9:07:51 AM Nick: And sit there until you die.
9:07:55 AM Nick: And then afterwards some.
9:08:06 AM Holly: Worked for Rehnquist. It was all done with mirrors.
9:08:12 AM Nick: I was speaking of justices in general.
9:08:35 AM Holly: Seriously. "My life is SO HARD. POOR ME. Watch me exert myself SITTING ON THIS STUPID BENCH."
9:08:47 AM Nick: I think that the Supreme Court should have to debate whether to keep other SC justices on life support.
9:09:04 AM Nick: It should be like Supreme Court Survivor.
9:09:12 AM Nick: With more clothing, though.
9:09:24 AM Holly: And less diversity.
9:09:50 AM Nick: When the Senate questions Alito it's really an audition.
9:10:01 AM Nick: How would this candidate look in a loincloth?
9:10:24 AM Holly: Raaaoowrrr. No wonder Roberts got confirmed.

Jesse (13:40:55): did you enjoy my Ashcroft dark poetry, by the way? I felt I should've dedicated to Bill Hicks.

Babies come with hats.

Look who's here!

Love and luck and congrats to M'lin/Colby. (Even though you didn't name him Tschuss Claudia (Tschuss for short)).

Laff Riot 27: Politsnark

5:44:24 PM Holly: ALITO'S SON IS AT UVA!! How did this escape my notice?? You have to sleep with him.
5:44:43 PM Joy: whaat
5:45:09 PM Holly: For national security reasons. You have to sleep with him.
5:45:37 PM Joy: Deal.
5:45:54 PM Holly: ....and then tell me everything, so I can tell the Liberal Media.
5:46:05 PM Joy: hm . he does not appear to be on facebook. how can I stalk and then summarily seduce him?
5:46:07 PM Holly: I bet he's a crier.
5:46:53 PM Holly: Yeah, they removed his profile this morning. You'll have to be sneaky.
5:47:24 PM Holly: I believe in you. Do it for freedom.
5:48:08 PM Holly: Also, he has a girlfriend, but that's so infinitesimal an obstacle to you that I didn't think to mention it at the outset.
5:48:10 PM Joy: oh. my. god.
5:48:12 PM Joy: this is incredible.
5:48:21 PM Joy: the possibilities suddenly given to me.
5:48:43 PM Holly: Go forth, my child. Be fruitful and fornicate.
5:49:42 PM Joy: yeeeeeees. yes yes yes.
5:49:51 PM Holly: Exactly.
5:52:13 PM Holly: Seriously, poor kid.
5:52:48 PM Holly: Daddy's gonna make this an uncomfy semester for him.
5:52:56 PM Joy: HOLY SHIT
5:52:57 PM Joy: google him
5:53:02 PM Joy: he lives in the LOSER COLLEGE
5:53:07 PM Holly: Monroe?
5:53:12 PM Joy: the WEIRD PERSON college
5:53:12 PM Joy: Brown
5:53:31 PM Holly: Well, shouldn't be too hard for you to get close, then.
5:53:35 PM Joy: bwahahahaha
5:53:49 PM Joy: and I have his phoooone number!
5:54:08 PM Holly: Get close to this guy. Can you imagine you, me, and Joan being TWO DEGREES of influence from the Supreme Court?
5:53:55 PM Joy: WOW
5:54:02 PM Joy: he has somehow managed to take down his Web WhoIs
5:54:13 PM Joy: which is like your entry on the UVa website with your email and your name
5:54:19 PM Joy: YOU CAN'T TAKE IT DOWN
5:54:22 PM Joy: it's' not POSSIBLE
5:54:32 PM Holly: The WEBMASTER AT UVA doesn't know how it got taken down.
5:54:37 PM Joy: this is incredible.
5:54:48 PM Joy: how do I get close to him without making my agenda immediately apparent?
5:55:05 PM Holly: Pretend you don't know who he is.
5:55:21 PM Holly: Find out where he hangs out, and hit it up.
5:55:31 PM Holly: Then spring your trap.
5:55:32 PM Joy: I'm on it.
5:55:34 PM Joy: I'm so on it.
5:55:39 PM Holly: (*"trap" = "cervix")
5:58:47 PM Joy: I'm on it.
5:58:49 PM Holly: Awesome.
5:58:57 PM Joy: this is going to be tricky.
5:58:58 PM Holly: Yes.
5:59:05 PM Holly: kisskiss
5:59:18 PM Joy: kisskiss

[The next morning:]
10:30:49 AM Holly: NEWER EVEN WORSE IDEA.
10:31:00 AM Holly: For after the sex.
10:31:17 AM Holly: Fake, public pregnancy.
10:31:38 AM Holly: THEN we'll see what the Judge thinks of Roe.
10:32:57 AM Joy: oh god.
10:33:09 AM Holly: We're gonna be famous!!
10:33:52 AM Holly: It's like you're Jesus Christ, and I'm proud Mary pulling the strings. (I wasn't a virgin either.)
10:34:18 AM Joy: you have absolutely no qualms about forcing me to have sex for your political gain, do you
10:34:35 AM Holly: I'm kind of insulted you feel the need to ask.
10:34:41 AM Holly: OUR political gain.
10:35:17 AM Holly: And not the royal we, either. You're the Imperial Incubator!! (Incubatress??) It's an honored position. Ask Katie Holmes.
10:38:06 AM Joy: owwwch I just got compared to Katie Holmes
10:38:07 AM Joy: I quit
10:40:22 AM Holly: You can't quit. Not until you've got son-of-SCOTUS sperm embedded in your (very pretty) uterine wall.
10:42:19 AM Joy: ahhhhhhhh
10:42:31 AM Joy: THE LINE THE LINE
10:42:33 AM Holly: What? It's natural.
10:42:41 AM Holly: What line?
10:42:46 AM Holly: Oh. The one behind me?
10:42:47 AM Joy: THE ONE BEHIND YOU
10:43:21 AM Holly: Yesterday I compared your cervix to a bear trap. I thought I was safe.
10:45:19 AM Joy: it's true ...
10:45:59 AM Holly: Venus flytrap?

[A couple weeks later:]
7:19:35 PM Holly: I heard Affleck's moving to Charlottesville. If you haven't slept with Alito's kid, do it, bc you'll need to move on quickly. When 'fleck decides he wants to run for Senator we'll need the skeleton to already be in the closet.
7:19:39 PM Holly: So to speak.
7:19:46 PM Holly: (*"skeleton" = "fetus")

You're kidding.....right?

You're killing me, Smalls.

Seriously, CBS? The nicest thing I can say about the Titans right now is that the new uniforms are markedly less ugly. I know you're contractually obligated and all, but in terms of ratings? What do you think more Tennessee viewers would turn in to see? The Titans losing to whoever shows up to flatten them this week (even if it's the hot dog vendors), or a marquee matchup between the Colts' high-octane offense and the Jags' stonewalling defense? I'm just saying.

[Update: I take back that statement about the Titans being flattened. Apparently they're hosting the Texans. A modest prediction: 6-4, Titans (three safeties to two safeties). If it were somehow possible for two teams to lose the same game, these would be the guys to do it.]

A Thirty-eight Minute Review of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Also appearing: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Memoirs of a Geisha, Syriana, The Chronicles of Narnia: LWW, Brokeback Mountain, Emma, All the King's Men, The New World, Minority Report, Daredevil, The Recruit, Alexander, SWAT, Hart's War, Tigerland, King Kong, Nacho Libre, School of Rock, Doom, and, tangentially, Mona Lisa Smile:

3:22:16 AM nicodemus055: Of course Harry Potter made 18 Bajillion Dollars in its first nanosecond on the screen.
3:22:34 AM nastinchka: Course. They did a good job with it.
3:22:40 AM nicodemus055: I didn't like it.
3:22:42 AM nicodemus055: Not one bit.
3:22:43 AM nastinchka: Certainly better than I expected from Mike Goddamn Newell.
3:22:55 AM nicodemus055: And I bet that had I not read the books I would have thought it quite pretty.
3:23:11 AM nastinchka: I'm partial to the third movie.
3:23:19 AM nastinchka: But I'm also partial to Cuaron, so there you go.
3:23:37 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:23:54 AM nicodemus055: Well, I think the next movie will cut out even more (how could it not? The books just get longer)
3:24:02 AM nicodemus055: and be even more disappointing
3:24:07 AM nastinchka: I know. I think the fourth book should've been two movies.
3:24:24 AM nicodemus055: What about that whole character thing? I feel like it got lost in explosions and prom night.
3:24:41 AM nicodemus055: I can do without plot points like, I dunno, Dobby.
3:24:54 AM nicodemus055: And the house elf non-revolt
3:24:54 AM nastinchka: Fuck the house-elves. I'm so glad they got cut.
3:25:01 AM nicodemus055: Fine, like I said.
3:25:20 AM nicodemus055: But none of the characters had any of the depth they should have.
3:25:26 AM nicodemus055: Draco couldn't have had more than 4 lines.
3:25:32 AM nastinchka: The lack of character development didnt' bother me, because they hit the high points, and book 4 doesn't HAVE much in the way of character.
3:25:51 AM nastinchka: For the job they had to do, and trying to get it in under 2.5 hours, they did all right.
3:25:59 AM nastinchka: ...although there were missing parts (Dumby's speech) and people (Bill Weasley) that made me cranky.
3:26:33 AM nicodemus055: They had to insert Cedric's father into scenes so that you'd give a shit that he'd died.
3:26:45 AM nastinchka: Mmmmm. Cedric. Fly Fast, Die Young.
3:27:35 AM nicodemus055: I just feel like they should have maybe cut some fireballs and added some more dialogue.
3:27:47 AM nastinchka: Oh, I'm with you on that.
3:27:57 AM nicodemus055: The pacing was ok as it was, but I was ready for the movie to end because I didn't give a shit about the people
3:28:02 AM nicodemus055: Ok, dragon chase sequence.
3:28:08 AM nicodemus055: I haven't checked, but was that even in the book?
3:28:14 AM nicodemus055: That had to have been 2-3 minutes long
3:28:19 AM nastinchka: I'm more relieved than anything, and the movies will only further diverge from the books, but I like the books more, so it's all good. I had fun.
3:28:26 AM nicodemus055: First on my list to go.
3:28:27 AM nastinchka: Nope. Unnecessary and boring.
3:28:46 AM nicodemus055: prom scene should have been pared down.
3:29:16 AM nastinchka: The thing that really got me was the cutting of Dumbledore's speech at the end. The "Remember Cedric Diggory" speech. It's my favorite moment in the book, next to the ferret, and there was no reason to cut it.
3:29:33 AM nastinchka: Prom scene, I loved. Pretty.
3:29:46 AM nastinchka: Also, the song was called "Do the Hippogriff". C'mon.
3:29:49 AM nicodemus055: We've gained 4 minutes. I bet that would have been enough to make Harry a political figure, the reporter a real witch (no pun intended), and Barty Crouch more than a walking target with a bad mustache.
3:30:09 AM nastinchka: Nick, Barty Crouch is nothing more than a walking target with a bad mustache IN THE BOOK.
3:30:37 AM nicodemus055: Yeah, but he makes Harry into a political beach ball, which is important.
3:30:52 AM nastinchka: Here's the thing about the Harry Potter movies.
3:31:04 AM nastinchka: The kids that see them have read the books ragged.
3:31:05 AM nicodemus055: They average 5 pages a minute?
3:31:11 AM nastinchka: They know what's happening.
3:31:17 AM nicodemus055: I know, I know.
3:31:23 AM nastinchka: The way I see it, the movies are just...fluff, even for the kids.
3:31:26 AM nicodemus055: But as a standalone it could have been so much more.
3:31:34 AM nicodemus055: This book was dark
3:31:35 AM nastinchka: In no way are they Movies in their own right, esp. this one.
3:31:45 AM nastinchka: But I don't think they were meant to be.
3:31:51 AM nastinchka: They're not supposed to be standalones.
3:31:51 AM nicodemus055: the movie was dark, but the book was borderline literature.
3:32:08 AM nicodemus055: I know. I just think it's sad that they're an additional revenue source.
3:32:15 AM nastinchka: And the movie is just a neat way for the kids to see what they've been reading about.
3:32:24 AM nastinchka: Don't be such a cynic. They're fun.
3:32:40 AM nicodemus055: Minus some really poignant, relevant scenes.
3:32:56 AM nastinchka: But were you a critic, you'd be forgetting a cardinal rule, which is to take movies based on their own merits and intentions.
3:33:05 AM nastinchka: This isn't setting out to be cinema.
3:33:18 AM nastinchka: The books are the real art.
3:33:20 AM nicodemus055: Like Dumbledore's speech, like the politicization and manipulation of people by institutions, like themes of friendship that involve more than crushes and spats.
3:33:27 AM nastinchka: And that's OK.
3:33:54 AM nastinchka: Understand: I'm not disagreeing with you. I'm saying it's beside the point.
3:34:04 AM nicodemus055: Were I a critic I'd say that I hated it and all of my readers would probably love it, the ignorant saps.
3:34:12 AM nastinchka: Oh, stoppit.
3:34:15 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:34:20 AM nicodemus055: Ok, I didn't hate it
3:34:24 AM nicodemus055: But I was most displeased.
3:34:32 AM nastinchka: Yeah, 10-4.
3:34:39 AM nicodemus055: I like your 2 movie idea.
3:34:45 AM nicodemus055: I'm surprised they don't.
3:34:48 AM nicodemus055: Twice the ticket sales.
3:34:50 AM nastinchka: One for the world cup & death eaters, one for the rest.
3:35:00 AM nastinchka: Film them back to back, release six months apart.
3:35:05 AM nicodemus055: If that
3:35:10 AM nastinchka: Two 2-hour movies would've been enough.
3:35:17 AM nastinchka: Warners wouldn't release them closer.
3:35:35 AM nicodemus055: So what are they afraid of, fan revolt?
3:35:45 AM nicodemus055: Surely you could just tell them that they were getting more movie.
3:35:48 AM nastinchka: They still make millions of dollars in second-run cinema. Like to spread that out.
3:36:23 AM nicodemus055: Like you said, everyone who sees it has read the books.
3:36:40 AM nastinchka: And the movie is sort of....not a summary, but I can't think of the right word.
3:36:54 AM nicodemus055: A teaser?
3:36:56 AM nicodemus055: It seriously is.
3:37:02 AM nicodemus055: get your heart pumping
3:37:05 AM nicodemus055: Reveal the plot
3:37:09 AM nicodemus055: Show some of the funny bits
3:37:19 AM nicodemus055: Make you want more.
3:37:25 AM nastinchka: It's nice when they get Cuaron and the movie turns out to be A Movie, but we're one for four on that score so far, so I gave in and enjoyed it.
3:37:38 AM nastinchka: Nick, it's a Harry Potter movie. What the hell has happened to you?
3:37:55 AM nicodemus055: I liked the books more than I imagined I would, and this was my favorite.
3:38:02 AM nastinchka: Ah.
3:38:04 AM nicodemus055: Well, maybe second.
3:38:09 AM nastinchka: See, my favorite's number three.
3:38:11 AM nastinchka: So I got lucky.
3:38:17 AM nicodemus055: But when they butcher 5 I'll be very sad.
3:38:32 AM nastinchka: Yeah, I don't know HOW they're going to do that. it's Too Big.
3:39:20 AM nicodemus055: And all the parts I liked had, I don't know, development and depth to them and would probably do poorly in screen tests. It sounds arrogant, of course, but I am a little bit older than the target audience.
3:39:39 AM nastinchka: Yeah, you'd do well to remember that.
3:39:24 AM nastinchka: Well, when we turn Snarkastic into a movie review site, you can write a big ranty emo hate screed.
3:40:09 AM nicodemus055: Nah. This is my rant. I've done it now, finally, and I am drained of emotion.
3:40:39 AM nastinchka: Glad I could be your contempt sponge.
3:40:28 AM nicodemus055: When did Memoirs of a Geisha stop being a Spielberg film?
3:40:42 AM nastinchka: Ages ago.
3:40:51 AM nastinchka: But Rob Marshall!! We lovehim.
3:40:51 AM nicodemus055: I stopped paying attention.
3:40:54 AM nastinchka: lovehimlovehim.
3:41:17 AM nastinchka: Spielberg would've fucked it all the hell up, and now he made Munich insteasd, which looks Awesome.
3:41:25 AM nicodemus055: I'm excited about Syriana. I can do without the rest of the year.
3:41:33 AM nicodemus055: I was interested in Narnia until I saw the trailer.
3:41:46 AM nastinchka: I don't like the way the Lion looks.
3:41:48 AM nicodemus055: They seem to be selling it as an inferior Return of the King.
3:42:10 AM nastinchka: Disagree.
3:42:11 AM nicodemus055: Oh, and maybe Brokeback Mountain.
3:42:20 AM nastinchka: Yesh! Hottt gay cowboy action.
3:42:28 AM nastinchka: Call it Bareback Mountain like the rest of us.
3:42:36 AM nicodemus055: Granted, I haven't read the book in ages, but the trailer was all war sequences and stuff.
3:43:04 AM nastinchka: Who cares? The White Witch looks EXACTLY like I've imagine since I was six. I'm in.
3:43:22 AM nicodemus055: Ang Lee is a director I've gained a lot of respect for recently.
3:43:39 AM nastinchka: Oh what grounds?
3:43:54 AM nicodemus055: After listening to the commentary on Emma and hearing all of the subtlety and nuance he put in that went right over my head the first time.
3:44:05 AM nastinchka: Heh.
3:44:19 AM nastinchka: It's weird, how much I love the Austen movies and hate the bitch herself.
3:44:31 AM nicodemus055: Yeah
3:44:26 AM nicodemus055: And hearing about his search for the perfect sheep, and how his sheep fucking fainted because they had to have period wool and it 80 degrees out.
3:44:35 AM nastinchka: HAHAHAHAHA
3:45:10 AM nastinchka: That's the best story I've heard in ages.
3:45:13 AM nicodemus055: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/10004252-all_the_kings_men/
3:45:19 AM nicodemus055: Heard of this?
3:45:22 AM nastinchka: Yup.
3:45:27 AM nicodemus055: I haven't
3:46:08 AM nastinchka: I'm mildly piqued.
3:48:42 AM nicodemus055: 50% of the Narnia trailer covers the first 10 pages of the book.
3:48:46 AM nicodemus055: Or is it not supposed to be just Lion, Witch, and Wardrobe?
3:48:59 AM nastinchka: *sigh*
3:49:02 AM nicodemus055: And you're right
3:49:08 AM nicodemus055: The lion is goofy,
3:49:36 AM nicodemus055: Why do you sigh?
3:50:24 AM nastinchka: It makes me sad when a review or trailer keeps someone from seeing a film. I let good feedback steer me towards a movie I might not see otherwise, but try not to do the opposite.
3:50:33 AM nastinchka: I believe in always erring on the side of More Movies.
3:51:00 AM nicodemus055: Heh
3:51:07 AM nicodemus055: How about The New World?
3:51:14 AM nastinchka: It's Malick. Sold.
3:51:19 AM nicodemus055: I loved one of the taglines... Hang on.
3:52:00 AM nicodemus055: Meh. Can't find it.
3:52:08 AM nastinchka: Paraphrase?
3:52:11 AM nicodemus055: I have a powerful dislike of Colin Farrell.
3:52:20 AM nastinchka: That's a tagline?
3:52:50 AM nicodemus055: Something about famous something explorer john smith
3:53:05 AM nastinchka: But a Malick movie is a step back towards what I loved about him in the first place.
3:53:08 AM nicodemus055: And I thought, "John Smith isn't really that famous, or that something, or even an explorer."
3:53:16 AM nastinchka: Hee.
3:52:48 AM nastinchka: I have to admit, when I fervently wished for him to become a Huge Star after Minority Report, I didn't mean in Daredevil.
3:53:20 AM nicodemus055: yeah
3:53:21 AM nicodemus055: Or Recruit
3:53:27 AM nastinchka: Or that.
3:53:28 AM nicodemus055: Or Alexander
3:53:47 AM nastinchka: Couldn't make myself see it once they cut out the man sex.
3:53:49 AM nicodemus055: Or Swat
3:54:07 AM nastinchka: ....I honestly don't know if I saw that or not.
3:54:13 AM nicodemus055: Neither did I, but mostly because i already very much disliked him.
3:54:15 AM nicodemus055: I did not.
3:54:27 AM nicodemus055: Or Hart's War
3:54:29 AM nicodemus055: Jesus.
3:54:31 AM nastinchka: Re-watch Minority Report. His scenes are my happy place.
3:54:38 AM nastinchka: Hart's war was before that.
3:54:51 AM nastinchka: Before pretty much everything but Tigerland, in which he Rocked.
3:55:27 AM nastinchka: You's awful ranty tonight, biscuit. Shouldn't you be abed?
3:55:44 AM nicodemus055: Probably, but it doesn't much appeal to me.
3:55:30 AM nicodemus055: I don't think I'll see King Kong unless the reviews are great.
3:55:48 AM nastinchka: Nick, it's a movie about a GIANT MONKEY. What's not to like? Chill, already.
3:56:10 AM nicodemus055: Fine. I shall talk to you no more about my movie dislikes.
3:56:24 AM nastinchka: I recognize that not everyone shares my 30's pulp infatuation, but it's A MONKEY and it's CHRISTMAS.
3:56:39 AM nicodemus055: Yeah, but I don't have the pulp fascination.
3:56:43 AM nastinchka: Peter Jackson gave you a Christmas Monkey and you're too stubborn to unwrap it!
3:56:51 AM nastinchka: Selfish.
3:56:56 AM nicodemus055: And I can't see Jack Black without picturing him in 'comedic' roles.
3:57:21 AM nastinchka: Well, you'll be happy to hear about Nacho Libre, then.
3:57:27 AM nicodemus055: ?
3:57:47 AM nastinchka: Jack Black's next movie apparently stars him as a Mexican priest.
3:58:02 AM nastinchka: Who moonlights as a professional wrestler to earn money for his orphanage.
3:58:26 AM nicodemus055: School of Rock was better than I expected.
3:58:44 AM nastinchka: Trust in Linklater.
3:58:41 AM nicodemus055: Did Doom come out?
3:58:44 AM nicodemus055: Did I miss it?
3:58:50 AM nastinchka: I think it did.
3:59:00 AM nicodemus055: Ah well.
3:59:11 AM nicodemus055: I saw... I don't remember... A movie
3:59:12 AM nastinchka: I might try to catch it at the dollar, just to see the scenes they filmed in first person.
3:59:16 AM nicodemus055: And it had the Doom trailer.
3:59:21 AM nicodemus055: And the theater was full.
3:59:34 AM nicodemus055: And when it cut to first person, the whole place burst into laughter.
3:59:50 AM nicodemus055: And I said, "If they'd shot the whole movie that way, I'd see it."
3:59:58 AM nastinchka: Me too.

Laff Riot 26: For Your Consnarkeration

Ponies, show tunes, automatic weapons, Scientology, and inappropriate handles for impending babies:

7:14:05 PM nastinchka: (Why do you want my address?)
7:14:18 PM nastinchka: (DANCE.)
7:14:24 PM liviaharlowe: So I know where to dump the body.
7:14:27 PM liviaharlowe: (Bodies.)
7:14:57 PM nastinchka: (If you're going to implicate me in another double homicide, you could throw in some DANCing.)
7:15:51 PM liviaharlowe: YOU DON'T OWN ME.
7:16:03 PM nastinchka: YOU CAN'T GO WITH OTHER BOYS.
7:16:14 PM liviaharlowe: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
7:16:19 PM liviaharlowe: DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO SAY.
7:16:24 PM nastinchka: I'M PUTTING YOU ON DISPLAY
7:16:28 PM liviaharlowe: AND WHEN I GO OUT WITH YOU, DON'T PUT ME ON DISPLAY.
7:16:30 PM nastinchka: FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
7:16:36 PM nastinchka: GIMME THE BAT, WENDY
7:16:38 PM liviaharlowe: I wish I had thought to scream these lyrics last night, at Club LeConte.
7:16:41 PM liviaharlowe: I'M NOT GONNA HURTYA
7:16:41 PM nastinchka: I'M NOT GONNA HURTCHA
7:16:50 PM liviaharlowe: That would have been well-received too.
7:16:59 PM nastinchka: .....do I hear sparks flying?
7:18:00 PM liviaharlowe: If by sparks, you mean the hideous, all-consuming flames of white-hot rage and entitlement while consuming delicious, beautifully arranged calamari in an evening gown, then yes.
7:21:22 PM liviaharlowe: And, of course, there was all the smirking arrogance I could eat.
7:21:54 PM nastinchka: .....that makes it sound like you ate it off his face.
7:22:01 PM liviaharlowe: I might as well have.
7:22:13 PM liviaharlowe: Wait, I didnt mean that like it sounded.
7:22:19 PM nastinchka: (What's the tax bracket cutoff for capitalizing "his"? I never can remmeber.)
7:22:31 PM liviaharlowe: Im sure he is in it by now.
7:24:04 PM liviaharlowe: DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE PONY
7:24:21 PM nastinchka: ??????????????????????????
7:25:03 PM liviaharlowe: he was at an auction and one of the items was a strawberry blonde pony named shortcake
7:25:59 PM nastinchka: DID HE BUY YOU A PONY??
7:26:03 PM liviaharlowe: and it was only like 500 dollars, and apparently he almost bid on it so i could have a pony, but then decided i didnt have anywhere to keep it. he obviously thought that in telling me this story he was going to win my heart. instead, i vociferously eviscerated him for failing to obtain the pony.
7:26:16 PM nastinchka: THat's my girl.
7:26:26 PM liviaharlowe: i couldnt BELIEVE it
7:26:28 PM liviaharlowe: i was THIS CLOSE
7:32:21 PM liviaharlowe: anyway, i would have immediately rechristened the pony "jumanji" and begun the indoctrination.
7:32:52 PM liviaharlowe: How could he NOT buy the pony? I mean, I realize I sound like Veruca Salt right now, but come on. Doesn't he KNOW me? Hate.
7:32:59 PM nastinchka: PONY.
7:33:04 PM nastinchka: *chest pound*
7:33:48 PM liviaharlowe: From the pony, it's only a small, unassuming leap to the diamond encrusted rocket ship that runs on liquid gold.
7:34:10 PM nastinchka: which is, in itself, an upgrade from the ruby-encrusted rocket ship of the same nature.
7:34:28 PM liviaharlowe: rubies are for the proletariat.
7:36:05 PM liviaharlowe: i will have so many rubies that i will casually stuff them down the howling, protesting throats of the upper middle class tax monkeys that serve me.
7:37:30 PM nastinchka: ....I have no reply.
7:38:05 PM liviaharlowe: Much like they will have no reply as their larynx strangles on the glistening rubies.
7:38:14 PM nastinchka: Much.
7:38:38 PM liviaharlowe: I sounded so much like C___ right there that I glanced fearfully at my feet to see if they had grown four sizes, like the Grinch's heart.
7:38:50 PM nastinchka: Ew.
7:38:58 PM liviaharlowe: (They're okay.)
7:40:01 PM nastinchka: [EDIT]
7:42:19 PM liviaharlowe: I just added three rubies to the pile marked "Holly's throat".

LiviaHarlowe: i would have renamed the pony Rainbow Ritter and i would have loved it unconditionally. i would have fed it human flesh if thats what it wanted. and i would have made it a saddle of gold and a bit of velvet.
ShiftyEyedGuy: so you would have taken the pony?
LiviaHarlowe: ....DO YOU KNOW ME?
LiviaHarlowe: ITS A PONY
ShiftyEyedGuy: fair enough
LiviaHarlowe: If someone offered you an Uzi with no strings attached, would you take it?
LiviaHarlowe: YES.
ShiftyEyedGuy: ummm, duh
LiviaHarlowe: (fin)

8:37:26 PM jangel139: it's not fair that you know what you want to do with your life
8:37:27 PM jangel139: I protest
8:38:35 PM nastinchka: I didn't know for real until about a year ago. You've so got time.
8:39:00 PM jangel139: but what if it's something I ought to have been planning for !
8:39:03 PM jangel139: what if I want to do biochemistry
8:39:05 PM jangel139: or physics
8:39:11 PM jangel139: or ... or ... the commerce school
8:39:13 PM jangel139: ahhhhh
8:39:20 PM nastinchka: Then you'll take an extra semester of school. You're fine.
8:39:23 PM jangel139: (I feel surprisingly like Nick all of the sudden)
8:39:47 PM nastinchka: .....so many jokes, none of them funny.

2:44:12 PM liviaharlowe: GNNNNN I HATE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
2:44:45 PM nastinchka: For non-football related reasons?
2:44:55 PM liviaharlowe: their website is so deliberately confusing
2:46:54 PM liviaharlowe: its almost like they know i am from tennessee and dont want me to apply
2:47:02 PM nastinchka: That could very well be.
2:47:42 PM nastinchka: You know what was weird? They sent my acceptance letter for undergrad (I applied to tease my father) ALARMINGLY fast. Like, a matter of weeks. At the time, I thought it was funny, but looking back it seems like A Trap.
2:48:39 PM liviaharlowe: i can go there for free, which is nice.
2:48:50 PM nastinchka: Why dat?
2:49:07 PM liviaharlowe: I'm a resident of Florida.
2:49:17 PM nastinchka: .....?......OH.
2:49:20 PM nastinchka: Awesome.
2:50:09 PM liviaharlowe: It is, isn't it?
2:50:16 PM liviaharlowe: Technically, I'm also a resident of Alabama.
2:50:25 PM liviaharlowe: Hello, Auburn University.
2:50:50 PM nastinchka: Ew. Goodbye, Auburn university.
2:51:10 PM liviaharlowe: It's nice, though, to be able to go to college for free in THREE states.
2:51:50 PM nastinchka: Yesh.
2:52:13 PM liviaharlowe: screw you FAFSA!!! (desperate, braying, hysterical laughter)
2:52:33 PM nastinchka: That was a pretty good Stewart impression.
2:53:45 PM liviaharlowe: it's gonna kill him if i get into Georgia.
2:54:01 PM nastinchka: I hope that's inspiring you to really put some thought into your application.
2:54:15 PM liviaharlowe: You know, it really is
2:54:20 PM liviaharlowe: Just out of spite
2:54:39 PM liviaharlowe: And not even spite...just so he knows once and for all that I am smarter, prettier, and better than him.
2:54:24 PM nastinchka: .....you're basing your grad school choices on SEC football prowess, aren't you?
2:54:43 PM liviaharlowe: ....maybe.

1:59:56 PM minda999: ever heard of Eflat13flat5flat9
2:00:10 PM minda999: also known as D#flat13flat5flat9
2:00:26 PM nastinchka: ....does it have anything to do with an autoharp? I never could handle an autoharp.

7:49:22 PM liviaharlowe (Autoreply): GOD, Mom, if you wanted to see Tom Cruise so bad you should have joined the Church of Scientology, represented yourself as a naive young starlet from the WB, and signed an ultrasecret contract in which you agree to be a birthing vessel. (Translation: Moo wants me to go up and rent War of the Worlds.)

3:44:17 PM jangel139: Am I that obvious?
3:44:26 PM nastinchka: I was serious.
3:44:36 PM nastinchka: Well, I was joking.
3:45:10 PM nastinchka: In my head it would play out along the lines of "is it me?", "No!!", "Then we're fine"
3:45:26 PM nastinchka: After which I would proceed to listen to your crush story and offer cranky love.
3:45:57 PM jangel139: because you would be jealous that it wasn't you
3:46:16 PM nastinchka: No, because I'm cranky. But the love would be real.

3:36:16 PM nicodemus055: How in the name of all that I haven't yet crushed beneath my boots has Ticketmaster become so evil?
3:36:44 PM nastinchka: No guts (yours, on TicketMaster's outstretched claws), no glory

1:25:06 PM nastinchka: Mindojo, I tried to leave a comment on your blog, but I don't think it worked.
1:25:36 PM minda999: you have to leave it and then it shows it to you as a preview without you asking, then you post it.
1:25:54 PM minda999: it's a pain
1:26:45 PM nastinchka: No big deal....it was late, I was tired, and spouting jokes about how you should name das impending baby Andrea or Claudia, despite the fact that It's A Boy.
1:27:09 PM minda999: what was the guy's name?
1:27:20 PM nastinchka: Ummm....hmm. Thomas?
1:27:29 PM minda999: i can't believe you remember that.
1:27:33 PM nastinchka: I'm not sure.
1:27:42 PM minda999: it sounds right to me
1:28:03 PM nastinchka: Keiran would know.
1:28:14 PM minda999: just say "tseuss thomas", or "i can allein nass werden, thomas" and it fits
1:28:53 PM nastinchka: YES. "Spater, Thomas. Ich will allein sein."
1:29:14 PM nastinchka: You should name him THomas, but call him Tschuss for short. So cute.
1:29:44 PM minda999: i'll ask
1:29:53 PM nastinchka: (I should not be allowed to name children.)
1:30:08 PM minda999: he says no
1:30:15 PM minda999: or hmm mm
1:30:15 PM nastinchka: Colby's just selfish.
1:30:29 PM minda999: yes, he is.

1:48:11 PM minda999: and mr. senter said (this is the only thing i remember from his class) that if you watch the gods must be crazy you'll have your baby the next day. (happened to his wife and a friend)
1:48:14 PM minda999: yeah, didn't work.

2:02:32 PM nastinchka: I'm off to work. Keep me posted, k?
2:02:51 PM minda999: maybe you'll get a 7.5 second call from colby soon
2:03:03 PM minda999: mindahavinbabygottago
2:03:05 PM nastinchka: Good luck, or whatever you say to Very Pregnant Women
2:03:19 PM nastinchka: (Not break a leg, obviously.)

4:18:31 PM nastinchka: There's that one Bud radio ad where the guy's saluing the giant taco salad inventor and he says in his big boomy voice: "When your wife asks, "is that reeeeally healthy?", you say OF COURSE IT IS. IT's A SALAD".
4:18:40 PM nastinchka: And I always think of this.
4:19:37 PM T$: looks delic. i think i might have to make this at some point. oh, i made a roast the other day using fresh mint and thyme as the spices, along with some pearl onions. *drool*
4:20:27 PM nastinchka: Awwww. WHo's my big girl? *pinches cheeks*
4:21:29 PM T$: quiet, you.
4:21:51 PM nastinchka: *hushes, adorably*
4:22:29 PM T$: stop it. you're teetering dangerously on the edge of blue's clues cute
4:22:48 PM nastinchka: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *freewheels off Cute CLiff*
4:22:50 PM T$: don't go over that edge, for it is the land of paul ruebens
4:22:55 PM nastinchka: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4:22:55 PM T$: oop, too late
4:22:57 PM nastinchka: *learns to fly*
4:23:04 PM nastinchka: (*adorably*)
4:23:06 PM T$: hope you like masturbating in movie theaters.
4:23:12 PM T$: (i know i do)
4:23:17 PM nastinchka: We know.
4:23:34 PM T$: yet you still take sips of my coke
4:23:38 PM T$: ahem, "coke"
4:23:44 PM nastinchka: snnnnnnnfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
4:24:21 PM T$: bet you didn't know it was laced with little bits of tolsun dna, did you? and if you did, how awesome is it that you think you can get preggers that way?
4:25:37 PM nastinchka: ....Im amazed.
4:25:46 PM T$: at?
4:26:09 PM nastinchka: I didn't think my arm would reach far enough to cross state lines, navigate Philadelphia, wiggle up your nethers, and make you say something only I would say.
4:26:24 PM nastinchka: (Like a puppet, not a Solway Asian Spa day-shifter).
4:26:39 PM T$: what about the night shift?
4:26:57 PM nastinchka: Night shift you get both arms.
4:27:16 PM T$: all of this probably comes from talking to my friend at school. her mom once said she couldn't get satin underwear because, with cotton, a girl can breath.
4:27:41 PM T$: i asked, "but what if the guy isn't the cleanest in the world? doesn't that mean less fun and more stank?"
4:28:08 PM nastinchka: ..are those last two related?
4:28:40 PM T$: alternate means of oxygen ingress and co2 egress
4:28:50 PM T$: put a pillow over her face, she ain't gonna die
4:29:19 PM nastinchka: ......you're just trying to get posted, aren't you?
4:29:29 PM T$: no
4:29:37 PM T$: this is an hoenst-to-god conversation i had last night
4:29:40 PM T$: honest
4:30:13 PM nastinchka: And you think that makes it BETTER?

3:11:07 PM nastinchka: Growing my nails out is wwreaking havoc on my typing.
3:11:35 PM nicodemus055: You're growing your nails out why?
3:11:46 PM nastinchka: Um. Revenge.
3:11:55 PM nicodemus055: Aroo?
3:12:35 PM nastinchka: Well.....I've taken some damage in bed recently, owing to the tendency of someone much, much bigger than me being my bedmate, and owing to said bedmate being a very heavy sleeper, and a Roller.
3:13:02 PM nastinchka: It's not unusual for me to wake up completely immobilized with no way of extricating myself.
3:13:13 PM nastinchka: So I grow weapons.
3:13:19 PM nicodemus055: I see.
3:13:33 PM nastinchka: You asked.

3:11:14 PM T$: seems a bit low, if you ask me
3:15:47 PM nastinchka: So was your....mom? When I.....bent her over the coffee table?

4:18:00 PM nicodemus055 (Autoreply): Well hell... I just might make some As after all.
4:18:03 PM nastinchka: Well golly, Huckleberry, let's go down to the creek and race frogs!
4:18:39 PM nicodemus055: I didn't say, "dang."
4:18:47 PM nicodemus055: I reckon I shoulda, though.
4:18:58 PM nastinchka: Reckon so.
4:19:00 PM nastinchka: *spits*

So there's this picture that found its way to Facebook, that Joan brilliantly captioned "Bitch Cassidy and Mincing Twinkle Princess". Because I look like a bandit, and John's wearing A Tiara.
6:45:03 PM liviaharlowe: Bitch Cassidy just has such a ring of truth to it.
6:45:08 PM nastinchka: I KNOW.
6:45:11 PM nastinchka: I'm going by that from now on.
6:45:17 PM liviaharlowe: Yeah, you are.
6:45:25 PM nastinchka: It's even better than Venomous Custard Dance Remix 2004.

2:01:16 PM T$: i got a friend request on myspace today. it was from the guy who was a friend of mine freshman and sophomore year of college...until he and his roommate both slept with my then-girlfriend, whom he ended up impregnating and marrying. and then divorcing, because she decided she was wiccan and lesbian. (oh, hey, that brings the number of women i've dated who have ended up being lesbian to four.) think i should add him?

6:28:00 PM nastinchka: I have to work tonight.
6:28:07 PM liviaharlowe: You smell.
6:28:16 PM nastinchka: Yeah, like MONEY.
6:28:41 PM liviaharlowe: and the sweet smell of SELLING OUT.
6:28:56 PM liviaharlowe: you know i'm kidding, before your head cocks back like an attacking mongoose.
6:28:57 PM nastinchka: says the MALL DRONE.
6:29:01 PM nastinchka: ...Oh.
6:29:28 PM nastinchka: Well, I don't take that back, because it's funny.
6:29:44 PM liviaharlowe: Very nice.

5:22:20 PM liviaharlowe: i just chased my dog down the hall, grunting incomprehensibly and beating my chest, but it wasn't the same...i miss jay.

Words may fail me, but my rack won't.

In a punchy, buzzy haze last week, Jesse and I were toasting the wonder of flirting shamelessly, hyperbolically, and newly without fear of any sort of repercussion. In a fit of mutual hubris (and vodka), he even went so far as to offer to declare his undying devotion to Wicked and Trixie to the entire (be-interwebbed) world. Fast forward a few days, and the drunken dream takes physical (internet) form, its illustrious author even going so far as to invoke my future husband in its creation. I've gone off the idea of (eventual) cremation entirely, because I want this on my tombstone.

..."babylons"?