It's been so long since any news item brought me this much palpable ecstasy (measured, naturally, in cooing sounds and force generated by rocking on one's back like A Panda), but it's only fitting:
Read it and squee.
4:40:17 PM Nastinchka: If Crash gets nominated for Best Picture, I will throw a Walleyed Fit.
4:40:46 PM LiviaHarlowe: yeah, i hated it
4:40:49 PM LiviaHarlowe: but you KNOW it will
4:41:02 PM Nastinchka: I didn't hate it, but it's egregiously overhyped.
4:42:00 PM Nastinchka: However. IF THEY DON'T NOMINATE GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK I WILL THROW SNITS ENDING IN THE COMPLETE PHYSICAL DEVASTATION OF THE WESTERN UNITED STATES. AND GUAM.
4:42:16 PM LiviaHarlowe: because let's face it, guam has been asking for it for years.
The next day:
1:29:37 PM Nastinchka: WHY DOES CRASH KEEP GETTING NOMINATED FOR THINGS
1:29:47 PM LiviaHarlowe: I DONT KNOW
1:29:49 PM Nastinchka: FUCK
1:30:05 PM Nastinchka: If it weren't for all those Good Night and Good Luck nominations I would have imploded in rage.
1:30:22 PM LiviaHarlowe: im sorry, but crash SUCKED. it is so self-indulgent of LA to nominate it
1:30:36 PM Nastinchka: Ugh. The Oscars are for good movies, not assuaging white guilt.
1:30:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: That's what J___ is for.
1:31:09 PM Nastinchka: ....do you know what assuaging means?
1:31:22 PM LiviaHarlowe: do you know who you're talking to?
1:31:43 PM Nastinchka: My point was that J___ seems only to exacerbate racial tension in any given situation.
1:34:43 PM LiviaHarlowe: matt dillon cannot be nominated for an oscar. this is an abomination.
1:39:59 PM Nastinchka: Ummmm....hey, hang on. I know how this sounds, but I'm alone in my parents' house and there are weird noises upstairs.
1:40:18 PM LiviaHarlowe: awesome!
1:40:23 PM LiviaHarlowe: have you checked the children...?
1:40:29 PM Nastinchka: bbrb
1:41:02 PM LiviaHarlowe: great. now i'll find you hanging from the garage door with a beer still clutched in your lifeless hand. thanks, tatum.
1:42:41 PM Nastinchka: (that stood for "better be right back"
1:42:51 PM Nastinchka: ..."unless the zombies got me")
1:43:02 PM Nastinchka: (the utzgm is silent)
1:43:10 PM LiviaHarlowe: ..wow.
1:43:11 PM Nastinchka: Ok, creepiness: Cannot locate source of noise.
1:43:36 PM Nastinchka: Was large cat upstairs, BUT: closet door leading to attic is open, which was not the case when I first got home.
1:44:20 PM LiviaHarlowe: obviously the zombies want to lead you to the attic. why not give it a chance? maybe they just have a table of cupcakes up there for you.
1:44:24 PM LiviaHarlowe: or some punch.
1:45:07 PM Nastinchka: ....zombie punch?
1:45:17 PM LiviaHarlowe: that was the implication, yes.
1:46:05 PM LiviaHarlowe: that was good stuff, i miss it.
1:46:41 PM Nastinchka: Mmmm. Zombies.
LiviaHarlowe auto response: Our Answers to the Question "Why Is B. Dalton Closing?"
1. Bats....everywhere.
2. B. Dalton shot himself in the face.
3. Book scurvy. The pages are bleeding and falling out. We tried rubbing limes on them, but it was too late.
4. Barnes tied B. Dalton up and Noble shot him.
5. Patriot Act...we've said too much.
6. You didn't buy enough books, asshole.
7. Mouth of hell located directly under store.
8. Store was wearing short skirt, asking for it.
9. Seventh seal was opened; see Book of Revelations.
10. Annexed by Germany.
11. Disney opening new "Book Mountain" theme park.
12. Terms of restraining order.
13. Because we hate you. Specifically you.
14. Sons of Adam, Daughters of Eve dethroned us.
15. Decadent, Caligula-esque lifestyles of booksellers grow tiring.
16. If we're not out by the end of the month, Pottery Barn will kill our families.
3:53:52 PM jangel139: actually maybe tonight I'll get back on facebook
3:53:52 PM jangel139: maybe
3:53:56 PM Nastinchka: ?
3:53:59 PM jangel139: they're not gonna give me my account back
3:54:02 PM jangel139: so I have to start a new one
3:54:05 PM jangel139: and I just ... I don't want to
3:54:05 PM Nastinchka: boo. Whores.
3:54:17 PM jangel139: I had so many fun wall posts and so many friends and etc etc
3:54:27 PM jangel139: it's so pathetic to be upset about losing this imaginary network
3:54:28 PM jangel139: but dammit
3:54:32 PM jangel139: people loved me in a public forum
3:56:01 PM jangel139: eh. maye I'll do it tomorrow.
3:56:42 PM Nastinchka: Eh.
3:57:24 PM jangel139: holly doesn't miss my facebook presence ...
3:57:35 PM Nastinchka: STOPPIT.
3:57:39 PM jangel139: lol
3:57:45 PM jangel139: I know where all your buttons are
3:57:57 PM Nastinchka: God, if I wanted a girlfriend I'd troll Sunspot.
3:58:06 PM jangel139: (obviously in the very dirtiest possible sense of that phrase)
3:58:32 PM Nastinchka: obv.
7:44:50 PM LiviaHarlowe: they should do a desperate housewives/transamerica crossover episode.
7:45:25 PM Nastinchka: With a capital cross.
7:45:27 PM Nastinchka: ZING!!
7:45:32 PM LiviaHarlowe: ba-zow
7:45:38 PM LiviaHarlowe: why aren't we writing for scrubs?
7:45:45 PM Nastinchka: Unclear.
4:34:06 PM Nastinchka: You know that snide remark we turned to each other and said at the SAME DAMN TIME during Brokeback? What the hell was it?
4:34:16 PM LiviaHarlowe: No, YOU hang up!
4:34:21 PM Nastinchka: THANK YOU.
4:34:27 PM Nastinchka: It's been driving me mad trying to remember.
4:34:28 PM LiviaHarlowe: You're welcome.
4:34:38 PM Nastinchka: That was hysterical.
4:34:54 PM LiviaHarlowe: I only remember because it was directly preceded by "Wake up, Ennis, it's the day after tomorrow".
4:35:35 PM LiviaHarlowe: and i didnt even resort to any michelle-williams-looks-like-a-duck jokes, even though she TOTALLY does.
4:43:07 PM Nastinchka: What did I think of Lost last night? I think that if they're going to base an entire mythos around a plume of smoke, they could MAKE IT LOOK LIKE SMOKE. Seriously. That effect was barely cable-access worthy.
nicodemus055: So how about that Third Crusade?
Nastinchka: How indeed?
Nastinchka: :-P
nicodemus055: You know... that Richard the Lionheart... He sure is dreamy.
nicodemus055: And I hear that Saladin looked a lot like Vin Diesel
4:20:33 PM LiviaHarlowe: why aren't we going to the olympics? i cant think of 2 people who are more deserving of a month in italy to be totally debauched while mocking michelle kwan.
4:20:50 PM Nastinchka: God. Where's Trey when We need him?
4:21:10 PM LiviaHarlowe: see, this is how it ALWAYS is
4:21:14 PM Nastinchka: JOAN
4:21:17 PM Nastinchka: I HAVE AN IDEA
4:21:19 PM LiviaHarlowe: he's never around when we need (want) something
4:21:31 PM Nastinchka: Get him to buy you two Superbowl tickets if the COlts make it through.
4:21:36 PM Nastinchka: Then tell him you're taking me.
4:21:39 PM LiviaHarlowe: RIGHT.
4:21:39 PM LiviaHarlowe: right.
4:21:52 PM LiviaHarlowe: because he'll just fork over 5 grand to make me happy.
4:22:10 PM Nastinchka: You could make some analogy about not buying you a pony so he has to take you to the next best thing, which is .....a football team named after a pony.
4:22:25 PM LiviaHarlowe: that's so dumb it just might work.
4:22:50 PM LiviaHarlowe: you know how he operates--he only gives me things that make me miserable. so he'll buy us tickets, but only if it ends up being a patriots superbowl.
4:23:15 PM Nastinchka: WE COULD GO
4:23:20 PM Nastinchka: DRESSED AS SOMETHING
4:23:31 PM Nastinchka: Like Redcoats
4:24:48 PM LiviaHarlowe: or, when the bears make it, i will dress in a bear costume with a king george mask/wig/crown on my head.
4:24:59 PM Nastinchka: See, we could make this work.
4:26:39 PM LiviaHarlowe: you WATCH. that's exactly how this will play out.
4:27:26 PM LiviaHarlowe: trey and stephen on the 50 yard line while we drown our sorrow in cheez-whiz and hint-o-limes and other hyphenated "food" products.
4:28:20 PM Nastinchka: (i can't stop myself) I AM YOURS AND YOU ARE MINE
4:28:47 PM LiviaHarlowe: ..wow.
4:29:02 PM LiviaHarlowe: i think the day i coined that might have been the pinnacle of my life
4:29:06 PM LiviaHarlowe: it's all downhill from there.
4:29:17 PM Nastinchka: Very.
4:29:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: if only we had 5 grand in disposable income
4:30:07 PM LiviaHarlowe: well, 6 grand, once you add in travel and lodging.
4:30:21 PM Nastinchka: Don't forget bail.
4:30:48 PM LiviaHarlowe: i'd like to see them TRY to arrest me on superbowl sunday.
4:31:02 PM LiviaHarlowe: they would not take me alive, and i'm being totally serious when i say that.
4:31:05 PM LiviaHarlowe: they would not. take me. alive.
4:31:23 PM Nastinchka: I take it you don't plan to warn them about the river of ectoplasm you're directing to Detroit from which you will draw your power?
4:31:43 PM LiviaHarlowe: Now is the Season for Evil...and Foam Fingers.
4:32:31 PM LiviaHarlowe: i imagine them shooting me with a tranq dart, and then when that fails, shooting me in the kneecaps as i flee madly. but that wouldn't stop me. i would run on my stumps, like theismann.
4:33:09 PM Nastinchka: Shorter legs would only make it easier to run on all fours like a mad baboon.
4:33:17 PM Nastinchka: A mad baboon wielding an axe-gun.
4:33:45 PM LiviaHarlowe: i would be like those freakish half-breeds from the island of dr. moreau, but wearing a colts jersey and foaming freely at the mouth.
4:38:51 PM LiviaHarlowe (Autoreply): HOLLY: (pointing at busboy) Eww. Why is there a boy at the Apple Cake Tea Room?
JOAN: Outlander!!
11:41:26 PM Nastinchka: How was LOTR Crunkfest Frodotine's Day?
11:59:36 PM LiviaHarlowe: It was very good and fun. We recast the entire thing with ACT members. You and I, in addition to being members of the Fellowship, also doubled as every single orc, spider, goblin, and monster. Most notably, you were the Uruk-Hai who shot Boromir (Casey) three times in the chest, and I was the one who tried to eat Merry (Danny) and Pippin (Stewart).
12:00:07 AM Nastinchka: How apt.
12:00:42 AM LiviaHarlowe: like that one guy who played all the oompa loompas in C&TCF. except it was all us. a gigantic army of hollys and joans, prone to fighting amongst each other and cannibalism.
7:42:51 PM ortwaddle: i keep on getting homesick. i think i may be developing some form of male postpartum depression
7:42:54 PM ortwaddle: except without the baby
7:43:35 PM Nastinchka: Don't you mean empty nest syndrome, but without the nest?
7:43:58 PM ortwaddle: yeah. i guess i have neither the nest nor the baby. ok, bad analogy.
7:44:20 PM ortwaddle: but can a man's nest really be empty? i mean, a normal, non-blank shooting man?
7:44:50 PM Nastinchka: .
7:45:12 PM Nastinchka: Are you implying that fillling your nest with sperm will fill the void in your heart?
7:45:38 PM ortwaddle: don't i already have a nest full of sperm? what is a man's nest, anyway?
7:46:05 PM Nastinchka: ZING!! Good night, Tucson!!
3:34:40 PM LiviaHarlowe: Seriously? I bet we could make a movie just from our accumulated conversations over the last 3 years.
3:35:02 PM Nastinchka: We could make a damn sitcom.
3:35:14 PM LiviaHarlowe: It would be--how you say?--hilarious.
3:35:35 PM LiviaHarlowe: RC and Big Evil would play us
3:35:55 PM Nastinchka: It'd be like the Odd Couple, only funny and relevant.
3:36:14 PM LiviaHarlowe: And with pretty, wealthy people.
3:36:30 PM LiviaHarlowe: Because who can't identify with being beautiful AND in the highest tax bracket?
3:36:50 PM LiviaHarlowe: Fran Drescher cameos as Bee.
3:37:15 PM Nastinchka: And Bill Black as Himself.
3:38:09 PM LiviaHarlowe: Ferg shuffles by in a janitor costume pushing a mop, only it's not a costume, and he's not acting.
3:38:37 PM Nastinchka: WOW
3:38:55 PM LiviaHarlowe: it had to be said.
7:56:43 PM nicodemus055: The premise is just as whimsical as any other Cirque show's: something or other to do with a clown dreaming about his funeral.
7:57:23 PM Nastinchka: That is whimsical.
7:57:51 PM Nastinchka: In the way that the "Murder isn't funny!/It is if you're killing a clown" joke is funny
3:04:20 PM LiviaHarlowe: So apparently I have to heavily edit my facebook profile.
3:04:25 PM Nastinchka: ....aroo?
3:04:34 PM LiviaHarlowe: Because college admissions people can look at them.
3:04:54 PM Nastinchka: Not if you set your privacy settings so only your friends can see your profile.
3:05:12 PM LiviaHarlowe: No, you don't understand. I got e-mails from admissions offices asking to view my profile.
3:05:29 PM Nastinchka: Why??
3:05:57 PM LiviaHarlowe: So before I can let them, I have to change some things to make it appear as though A) I am not the devil's handmaiden and B) I have never done anything even remotely thoughtless, illegal, or dangerous.
3:06:34 PM LiviaHarlowe: Apparently a lot of schools do this now, to "get a better idea of who the applicant is as a person, and not just a form"
3:06:41 PM Nastinchka: ....you can also change your privacy settings so that no one can search for you. Then they wouldn't KNOW you had a profile.
3:07:00 PM LiviaHarlowe: i'm not really sure how they did this whole thing in the first place
3:07:09 PM LiviaHarlowe: but that's why i broke up with you, in case you are wondering.
3:07:32 PM Nastinchka: That was a pretty elaborate setup just to deny our internet marriage.
3:07:50 PM LiviaHarlowe: i'm just going to remove the stuff about rampant underage drinking and shooting guns in people's faces
3:07:54 PM LiviaHarlowe: the funny stuff can stay
3:08:11 PM LiviaHarlowe: not that those two things aren't funny
3:08:11 PM LiviaHarlowe: because they are
3:08:14 PM LiviaHarlowe: they really, really are.
3:08:26 PM LiviaHarlowe: especially when done at the same time.
3:08:17 PM Nastinchka: I'd heavily edit your wall, too.
3:08:27 PM LiviaHarlowe: i plan to.
3:08:58 PM LiviaHarlowe: i would prefer that the university of virginia doesn't discover my subversive, domineering tendencies until it's too late.
3:14:08 PM Nastinchka: I hope this doesn't mean you're discontinuing your association with John Madden Eats People.
Grown-Ass Man and Clownfish in Mortal Terror. I had it as my desktop image for about twenty minutes before I realized I'd never be able to sleep, and not in a good way.
I've got a fair few epithets I wouldn't mind lobbing at the Gentleman From Tennessee. Do you?
Defame, kids. Defame like the wind. (Danny, this one's for you.)
Year Eight (!!) Kisses!!
Ryan to Holly, 04:54: Apparently Lohan-haiku is my new forte...I'll blog it tomorrow.
Holly to Ryan, 20:20: Whither Lohan-ku?
Ryan to Holly, 20:22: Soon, soon. My god, had to watch Crash. The *audacity*.
Holly to Ryan, 20:24: Audaciously overrated. Gripping at times, but not goddamn Citizen Kane 2nd coming like I heard.
Ryan to Holly, 20:26: So heavily overwritten. But the sheer fucking audacity of LITERALLY introducing a gun in the 1st act to have it go off in the 3rd?
Holly to Ryan, 20:33: And the white guilt Oscar goes to...
Ryan to Holly, 20:54: Seriously...they already bought the SAG and WGA by sending out screeners to every single member...I wish Sandra had broken her ankle for real.
Holly to Ryan, 20:55: Do I smell a spinoff? The possibilities are sadly endless.
Ryan to Holly, 20:56: Thandie Newton on fire in various ways.
Holly to Ryan, 20:58: Sandra Bullock variously racist.
Ryan to Holly, 21:06: That would just be home movies these days.
Holly to Ryan, 21:09: The more you know...
Ryan to Holly, 21:07: Her right nostril keeps/Peru's economy well./Truly Lindsay cares.
So a couple weeks ago Tolsun posted this on Craigslist:
Dear Local Masturbator-Replies were varied (all [sic]s implied):One day several weeks ago, as I stood at my kitchen sink washing brunch dishes and admiring the unseasonably warm and nice afternoon, I noticed you sitting at your computer. You were in a window seat directly across from the window above my sink. You, too, were enjoying your day, but for obviously different reasons. As I scrubbed the griddle to remove all traces of pain perdue Foster, I saw you stand, pull down your gym shorts, re-seat yourself, and begin stroking.
Such focus. Such intensity. Such obliviousness to the neighbor who watched for a moment in horror before shutting the blinds.
Were this the only time for that to have happened, I wouldn't be writing this. Lo, but it was to become a common theme over the next couple of weeks. I would wash dishes. You would partially disrobe and masturbate. I would look away in shock and lower the blinds, vowing never to open them again. Yet my desire for sunlight in the kitchen would invariably lead me to re-open the blinds. Such a fool.
I'm curious: you know your computer is right by the window, yet you persist. Why? Do you have a fascination with being watched? Or are you just that intent? More importantly, where can I get some of this porn that is so compelling as to lead you to continue masturbating right in front of the window?
This past week was a true tour de force. I had some friends visiting, and I had closed the blinds before they arrived, anticipating a possible spectacle across the street. They arrived and noted how dark it was in the dining area and asked me to open all the blinds for some added light. I complied. It was somewhere around the end of their visit that you appeared. It was a friend of mine who lives nearby and who had not seen the show before who first noticed you. I think his exact words were, "Hey, check it out! Recess!"
My parents are visting soon. I'm praying for one of two things to happen: either the weather is so miserable that they won't mind the blinds being closed all the time, or you develop some modicum of modesty and close the blinds.
And 73 (SEVENTY-THREE) responses went something like this:sorry to offend you. i cant help it i like to be watched. it would be better if you could come over and do it for me. [Tolsun's response: "Thank you very much, but no. I prefer touching my own penis. PS - Seriously, was it Debbie Does Dallas 2000? Vampire Vixens from Outer Space? What?] Such poetry in writing this piece. I felt as though when you got to the part where your friend or neighbor saw this fellow and says, "Hey, check it out! Recess!", I was reading something Sedaris-esque. Sorry you were horrified...I would be too, but it was still a funny story. No fair - I want a hot man stroking off across from my Apartment. What's hotter than someone making themselves feel good - cant get more natural and godly than that. Damn, what kind of frigid christian cultist cooz-slit would go to all this trouble to avoid seeing someone rub one out now and then... Hey Ms. Dumbitch, why dont YOU get some fucking blinds - try closing them and your mouth and your festering gash at the same time!
Then...Hey. I saw what you posted. Can you give me some idea of where you live? I'm very embarassed. I'm a pretty normal guy and am now paranoid/worried. I work in the S. 100 block of 15th Street in a small office. There's a restaurant across the street and a few floors up. It doesn't sound like this is me...but... I live at the corner of X and Y Streets. Are you that dude who's always walking around his house w/o pants? Are you straight? Are you single?
My house is around 21st and Parrish, near Fairmount. Where do you live?We have a winner!!
Story resolved as follows:
I have received several emails from men wondering if they might be the offending party. Please, rest assured that the identity of the Window Masturbator has been discovered. If you are still worried that it might be you, it isn't. The Window Masturbator has emailed me, has received a response, and we have reached an agreement whereby he promised to make more of an effort to close his blinds. It's a simple three-step process.The concerned parties swear it's all true. Me, I'm building a barricade. (A moral barricade. Stay with me.) I shudder to think who Google'll send over after this.Step one: buy blinds
Step two: install blinds
Step three: close blinds while masturbating(Regarding step three: it is not wholly necessary that they be closed only while masturbating, as that would be sort of a "one if by land, two if by sea" signal.)
Thank you, sir, for being so agreeable. Thank you for reading craigslist missed connections. Thank you for being able to afford blinds. Your identity is a secret that I will take with me to the grave.
JOAN: We're funnier, prettier, and more talented than Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Those guys wrote a movie, won an Oscar, and now they get to star in action films and have sex with Jennifer Garner. We can do almost all of those things.
HOLLY: Doesn't one of us have to grow up disadvantaged for this to work?
JOAN: That's why they call it creative writing.
[Pause]
JOAN: Besides, we only have one beach house each.
HOLLY: ...Your dad has two.
JOAN: See? You're disadvantaged.
