Snarkastic

DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'S A WAR ON??

What with the incessant chest thumping all last night, I nearly forgot to pack. Leaving straight from work for San Francisco tonight, to hang out with Daddy Dearest, what's looking like 30+ family friends, and my beloved Vawls in Berkeley all weekend. Back Monday night, if the bail bondsman'll take my debit card. Look for me on teevee--I'll be the one they're not taking alive.

'tis the season

From the smartest person I know (which means he should know better than to get into this, but too late now):

Ok, I'm getting way out of my depth and entering a fantasy football league. Guide me. Is there a primer online somewhere that will teach me how to crush my opposition?

Keeping in mind that you're talking to a) an MIT grad b) who wouldn't know a 4-3 defense if it sat on him--where's everyone getting their insider!information! this season and where would you send a babe-in-the-woods neophyte first? Discuss.

Laff Riot Summer Reruns: Stunt Casting

2:44:12 PM Livia: GNNNNN I HATE UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA
2:44:45 PM Nastinchka: For non-football related reasons?
2:44:55 PM Livia: their website is so deliberately confusing
2:46:54 PM Livia: its almost like they know i am from tennessee and dont want me to apply
2:47:02 PM Nastinchka: That could very well be.
2:47:42 PM Nastinchka: You know what was weird? They sent my acceptance letter for undergrad (I applied to tease my father) ALARMINGLY fast. Like, a matter of weeks. At the time, I thought it was funny, but looking back it seems like A Trap.
2:48:39 PM Livia: i can go there for free, which is nice.
2:50:16 PM Livia: Technically, I'm also a resident of Alabama.
2:50:25 PM Livia: Hello, Auburn University.
2:50:50 PM Nastinchka: Ew. Goodbye, Auburn university.
2:51:10 PM Livia: It's nice, though, to be able to go to college for free in THREE states.
2:51:50 PM Nastinchka: Yesh.
2:52:13 PM Livia: screw you FAFSA!!! (desperate, braying, hysterical laughter)
2:52:33 PM Nastinchka: That was a pretty good Stewart impression.
2:53:45 PM Livia: it's gonna kill him if i get into Georgia.
2:54:01 PM Nastinchka: I hope that's inspiring you to really put some thought into your application.
2:54:15 PM Livia: You know, it really is
2:54:20 PM Livia: Just out of spite
2:54:39 PM Livia: And not even spite...just so he knows once and for all that I am smarter, prettier, and better than him.
2:54:24 PM Nastinchka: .....you're basing your grad school choices on SEC football prowess, aren't you?
2:54:43 PM Livia: ....maybe.

9:57:17 PM Livia: when the hell does cabaret open
9:57:58 PM Nastinchka: no idea
9:58:35 PM Livia: we're going to that dressed as eva braun and the captain from das boot.

4:18:31 PM Nastinchka: There's that one Bud radio ad where the guy's saluting the giant taco salad inventor and he says in his big boomy voice: "When your wife asks, "is that reeeeally healthy?", you say OF COURSE IT IS. IT's A SALAD". 4:18:40 PM Nastinchka: And I always think of this.
4:19:37 PM T$: looks delic. i think i might have to make this at some point. oh, i made a roast the other day using fresh mint and thyme, along with some pearl onions. *drool*
4:20:27 PM Nastinchka: Awwww. WHo's my big girl? *pinches cheeks*
4:21:29 PM T$: quiet, you.
4:21:51 PM Nastinchka: *hushes, adorably*
4:22:29 PM T$: stop it. you're teetering dangerously on the edge of blue's clues cute
4:22:48 PM Nastinchka: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! *freewheels off Cute Cliff*
4:22:50 PM T$: don't go over that edge, for it is the land of paul ruebens
4:22:55 PM Nastinchka: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
4:22:55 PM T$: oop, too late
4:22:57 PM Nastinchka: *learns to fly*
4:23:04 PM Nastinchka: (*adorably*)
4:23:06 PM T$: hope you like masturbating in movie theaters.
4:23:12 PM T$: (i know i do)
4:23:17 PM Nastinchka: We know.
4:23:34 PM T$: yet you still take sips of my coke
4:24:21 PM T$: bet you didn't know it was laced with little bits of tolsun dna, did you? and if you did, how awesome is it that you think you can get preggers that way?
4:25:37 PM Nastinchka: ....Im amazed.
4:25:46 PM T$: at?
4:26:09 PM Nastinchka: I didn't think my arm would reach far enough to cross state lines, navigate Philadelphia, wiggle up your nethers, and make you say something only I would say.
4:26:24 PM Nastinchka: (Like a puppet, not a Solway Spa day-shifter).
4:26:39 PM T$: what about the night shift?
4:26:57 PM Nastinchka: Night shift you get both arms.
4:27:16 PM T$: all of this probably comes from talking to my friend at school. her mom once said she couldn't get satin underwear because, with cotton, a girl can breath.
4:27:41 PM T$: i asked, "but what if the guy isn't the cleanest in the world? doesn't that mean less fun and more stank?"
4:28:08 PM Nastinchka: ..are those last two related?
4:28:40 PM T$: alternate means of oxygen ingress and co2 egress
4:28:50 PM T$: put a pillow over her face, she ain't gonna die
4:29:19 PM Nastinchka: ......you're just trying to get posted, aren't you?
4:29:29 PM T$: no
4:29:37 PM T$: this is an hoenst-to-god conversation i had last night
4:29:40 PM T$: honest
4:30:13 PM Nastinchka: And you think that makes it BETTER?

4:12:26 PM Livia: Yeah I like how they bill it as a blend of technology and personality. I can see the tech part, but come ON....when I think "raptor", I don't really think "personality", I think "OH FUCK RUN IT'S A DINOSAUR". if i were a marketing person i would have called it a blend of technology and terror.
4:13:45 PM Nastinchka: Also? IT CAN SNIFF iTS PREY
4:13:55 PM Nastinchka: I made it sniff the salesman.
4:14:23 PM Livia: it "DISPLAYS AUTONOMOUS BEHAVIOR"?!?! what genius thought it would be a good idea to make a robotic velociraptor that could think for itself?
4:15:05 PM Nastinchka: I couldn't get it to NUZZLE me, but apparently it can do that too.

3:36:16 PM 'Bus: How in the name of all that I haven't yet crushed beneath my boots has Ticketmaster become so evil?
3:36:44 PM Nastinchka: No guts (yours, on TicketMaster's outstretched claws), no glory

MB: We could be the biggest stars NYC has ever seen
Livia: then we could break into broadway and spend every day lounging around in our apartment eating creme brulee and every night performing. can you imagine performing EVERY DAY? I would die from sheer joy.
MB: yes - we could host parties and invite Bernadette Peters over - since she would be our best friend
Livia: she totally would, she would be calling all the time, to the point where we would look at the caller ID and be like "God, it's Bernadette AGAIN."
MB: Yeh, and we'd be like "Bernadette, we told you we would sing with you on your new Sondheim album, you don't have to keep calling us and begging.
Livia: "Bernadette, have some dignity. You already won us over, you don't have to keep throwing yourself at our feet. We like you. Stop trying so hard."
MB: "yeh, Bernadette, it's flattering that you think of us this way, but calling us 5 times before its noon is a little too much...Yes, I'll sing "Move on" with you
Livia: Ah, delightful. We're just rolling our eyes in the background as she begs to come over.

Princess PrettyPants (23:57:35): and yes he is straight. which makes me think he might want to hook up with me and i dont have the strength
Nastinchka (23:58:50): Honey, you just have to lie there.
Nastinchka (23:59:19): ;-) Only joking. Go to bed
Princess PrettyPants (23:59:39): not me. im a control freak. if im gonna have a reputation then its going to be for being the best and the easiest!
Nastinchka (00:00:04): That's my girl.
Princess PrettyPants (00:00:05): plus boys these days want head and i dont just put a penis in my mouth on a whim
Nastinchka (00:00:24): True. This isn't Auburn, after all. What are they thinking?
Princess PrettyPants (00:00:49): no shit!

8:39:58 Nastinchka: DR. WU ON JURASSIC PARK CHANNEL 76 RIGHT NOW
8:40:31 Nastinchka: You've bred raptors?
8:41:31 Livia: why didnt we go DRESSED AS BD WONG to graduation
8:41:56 Nastinchka: Empirical proof that nobody's perfect, even us.

1:59:56 PM Mindojo: ever heard of Eflat13flat5flat9
2:00:10 PM Mindojo: also known as D#flat13flat5flat9
2:00:26 PM Nastinchka: ....does it have anything to do with an autoharp? I never could handle an autoharp.

'Box (15:06:53): great. Give her a big sexy hug for me
'Box (15:06:58): a little to the left
'Box (15:07:04): that's right....girls can touch
'Box (15:07:09): it's natural

6:54:54 AM Livia: Clearly, we need to go in some kind of skankariffic costume to the HP book release. What if you dressed up as a gigantic skull and I dressed up as the snake coming out of your mouth and we went as the Dark Mark?

12:20:31 AM Emit: wehn are you comeing to the show?
12:21:17 AM Emit: there are suprizes in it for you...
12:22:43 AM Nastinchka: I hear you're in drag
12:23:37 AM Emit: sit on, house right and youll see the whole show
12:23:54 AM Emit: (i'm stll no good at crossing my legs)

4:14:13 PM Livia: do you think wheeler would write me a rec??
4:14:52 PM Nastinchka: I dunno....what was your final grade?
4:15:08 PM Livia: I did well
4:15:15 PM Livia: But do you think he LIKES me enough?
4:15:25 PM Nastinchka: It's not like he has much else to do, and if you ask him when you buy his new book....
4:16:01 PM Livia: my e-mail of inquiry to him will just say "you know what she did, thomas jefferson? your cunting daughter?"
4:15:42 PM Nastinchka: WEll, I dunno. I did hear him say you had pretty eyes in the caf after fifth period.
4:16:05 PM Nastinchka: But after cheer practice I saw him talking to Sally Hargrave. That slut.
4:16:28 PM Livia: Sally Hargrave is a talentless fat-ass
4:16:40 PM Livia: will you write my rec as Sally Hargrave?
4:16:53 PM Nastinchka: Only if you write mine as Livia
4:17:30 PM Livia: done, and done.
4:21:19 PM Livia: dear USC: HRA did not murder her sons. Drusus died of his wounds, and Placina poisoned Germanicus with out instructions from me. But I had marked them both down for death. They were both infected with that infantile disorder known as 'Republicanism.' Augustus shall be a God, and because I made him so, I shall be a goddess. Poison is queen. Don't touch the figs. You may kiss me and take your leave."
4:22:01 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
4:22:35 PM Livia: If you need a cross-reference, I'll write one from Caligula. "Grandmother Livia? They say a snake bit her once...and died."
4:25:06 PM Nastinchka: We're goddamn geniuses.
4:25:57 PM Livia: I. KNOW.
4:26:12 PM Livia: i actually wonder what the response would be if i sent in a reference from the emperor and god augustus.
4:26:49 PM Nastinchka: Pick a school you don't particularly care for and find out. it's not like it goes on your permanenet record somewhere. Worst case scenario, you give the admissions staff a giggle.
4:28:00 PM Livia: i'm doing it. baylor, here i come.
4:28:18 PM Livia: i'm gonna write one as Emperor Augustus, one as Benjamin Franklin, and one as Judy Garland
4:28:37 PM Livia: the judy one will smell like vodka and have cigarette burns on it
4:28:41 PM Nastinchka: and one as TOM CULLEN
4:29:02 PM Livia: YES
4:29:04 PM Livia: OH MY GOD, YES
4:29:15 PM Nastinchka: And one as Neely O'Hara
4:29:18 PM Livia: and one as Patches O'Houlihan
4:29:21 PM Nastinchka: YES
4:30:27 PM Livia: the worst they can do is not take me. and if i do this at a school where i dont really wanna go, it wont hurt me
4:30:47 PM Nastinchka: Seriously. Why not have fun with this?
4:33:07 PM Livia: what if i wrote one from the monster on lost? dear florida: AaaaarghsSSQUEEEEEEEEEmnshmnshmnshGNNNN"
4:33:27 PM Nastinchka: And sign it "Love and kisses, Emmanuel Kant". It's only a matter of time till they introduce another damned philosophizer.
4:33:49 PM Livia: HA
4:39:08 PM Nastinchka: I wonder if I could get one from Peyton.

T$ (16:58:37): son of a bitch. i got sick the other night. dave suggested that i make my body as hostile an environment as possible so that whatever i had simply couldn't survive. i did this by wearing all of my synthetic insulation clothes (think mountaineering stuff.)
T$ (16:59:03): dave got the same thing. he tried basically the same thing, except made his body really toxic by drinking far too much tequila. other than a mild hangover, he now feels great.
T$ (16:59:06): that bastard.

Livia (00:51:31): Million Dollar Baby: Laff Riot! If by Laff you mean uncontrollable tears at the horror of tragedy that is playing out on the screen and by Riot you mean this movie is so emotionally manipulative that I actually considered walking into "Are We There Yet?"

2:01:16 PM T$: i got a friend request on myspace today. it was from the guy who was a friend of mine freshman and sophomore year of college...until he and his roommate both slept with my then-girlfriend, whom he ended up impregnating and marrying. and then divorcing, because she decided she was wiccan and lesbian. (oh, hey, that brings the number of women i've dated who have ended up being lesbian to four.) think i should add him?

MB: i love us - and so does Bernadette
Livia: bernadette is walking that fine line between fandom and obsession. she needs to chill out a bit.
MB: yes - i agree - just wait until I forward you this email she sent me just a minute ago
MB: she is being so difficult right now
Livia: i know, but we're all she has. and if she cant cling to us, she'll go under...
Livia: we have to keep her around.
MB: She really needs us right now, especially after Stephen Sondheim sent her that nasty note - Did she call you and bitch about that?
Livia: of course she did, for like five fucking hours, and then she was all "joan don't ever leave me, i dont know what to do without you"
MB: She said the same thing to me, except it was like "MB, you are so wise. What will I ever do if you decide you're too big now to be my friend?" And I said "Bernadette, the only way that will ever happen is if Stephen actually writes ME a musical. Now he has talked about it, but he probably won't live long enough to do it, and then look at that last crap he wrote...I mean, come on, You and Mandy got the good stuff
MB: So that made her feel a little better
MB: I think she's going through her mid life crisis
Livia: that was nice. i mean i feel like we constantly have to be holding her hand. she is so afraid that now that we're so much bigger than her, we will jsut leave her behind. and it could happen if she doesn't shape up. i mean hello, we cant be with her all the time, we have obligations to our public.
Livia: i know stephen is fed up with her because she's been really clingy and he cant handle that. why do you think he's always over at our place and won't answer his phone?
MB: yes, but in her mind, she still thinks she's as big as we are now
Livia: its so sad when people stay too long at the party.
MB: Well, and he wanted to have sex with me last week and I was like - "No, I don't think that would be good for our friendship" and there is a big age difference
MB: Trust me, Stephen - It's not a good idea. "
Livia: how did he take that
MB: I think he was upset about that, but deep down inside, if he can reach that low, it has the making of a song from "Follies"
Livia: i know he's been burying those feelings for a long time because he's afraid you'll reject him because of your celebrity.
MB: He should use those feelings and write
Livia: duh, we're just trying to inspire him. he did say we were his muses.
MB: i don't think he understands how powerful we actually have become
Livia: he is underestimating us a bit, just to soothe his own ego.
MB: right
Livia: i can understand that, i mean he did help make us what we are, but at some point the credit shifts over to us.
MB: he thinks that he can still pull a score out of his ass like he did with Into the Woods or Sweeney.

12:06:13 PM Livia: i came into his room yesterday and there were no less than 6 IMs from Catholic girls
12:06:34 PM Nastinchka: WOW
12:07:16 PM Livia: well, he's pretty, and built, and on the football team, so it was only a matter of time. also, he's an episcopal kid at a catholic school, which is like the equivalent of johnny depp's character in Cry Baby
12:11:09 PM Livia: i think its hilarious that he's gonna be, you know, The Bad Boy of Catholic....because he's Episcopal. You'd think he was smokin' in the boys room or riding a Harley to school, not crossing his arms come communion time.
12:12:34 PM Nastinchka: It's only a matter of time before he's surrounded by rat-faced bullies in chapel all "take the wafer....take it ALL, bitch!!", and all of a sudden....you know how adolescent stress tends to bring forth dormant mutant powers.
12:13:08 PM Livia: rat-faced bullies? what is this, 1956?
12:13:12 PM Livia: don't get me wrong, i liked it

1:49:33 AM Nastinchka: HOLY FLOCK OF FERAL CATS!!
1:52:49 AM Spawn: YES. YES YES YES. PLEISTOCENE ME, BABY.
1:52:57 AM Nastinchka: See?
1:53:22 AM Nastinchka: I would hate Kansas so much less if it were FULL OF CAMELS.
1:53:47 AM Nastinchka: It's not like the middle of the country is doing anything. Bring the tigers!!
1:53:57 AM Spawn: I demand feral horses.
1:54:05 AM Spawn: Their slightly mutated look has always intrigued me.
1:58:28 AM Nastinchka: The best part (besides the part where we'll be able to go to Nebraska and PET A WILD ELEPHANT) is how Cornell's all "The Plains states economies are depressed, so why don't we release a bunch of Lions into the Midwest and pay people to make nests for them?"
1:58:37 AM Nastinchka: (Lions live in nests, right? I can never remember.)
1:58:42 AM Nastinchka: No, wait.
1:58:46 AM Nastinchka: That's velociraptors.
1:58:56 AM Nastinchka: ....THAT'S WHAT WE NEED MORE OF, RIGHT THERE.
1:59:04 AM Spawn: It's a mark of what kind of day this has been that I honestly wondered for a second whether you meant to make that mistake.

5:06:26 PM Nastinchka: ESPN says LeBron James has Pleurisy. Just like that bitch in Glass Menagerie.
5:06:50 PM Livia: From now on, we call him LeBlueRoses James
5:07:49 PM Livia: and i'll feverishly try to hook him up with nice young men while sweating and drinking mint juleps and fanning myself and talking about all my gentlemen callers, and you can lurk sullenly in the kitchen dreaming about a new life for yourself.

A Very Special Laff Riot.

So a week ago, this happened, and while we're pretty pleased with ourselves in general we also feel we did a bang-up job of keeping folks entertained over one of the very most boringest sports weekends of the summer.

Sadly, one of the gentlemen we were filling in for did not agree [emphasis added, for spite]:

From: M___ S______ [weekend editor who makes us miss MJD the most redacted]
Date: Aug 18, 2007 5:14 PM
Subject:
To: "Ladies ..."

I hope I'm not too blunt here, I was disappointed in the quality of the posts you offered up today on Deadspin. There just didn't seem to be a lot of substance to a good number of them, as well as a few too many grammatical errors than I like to see. I don't know if it was simply spotlight jitters or the fact that you were trying to adapt to different format than your normal, organized, well-executed collaborative effort we have seen in the past (see: Ladies Day on KSK Takeover). Maybe tomorrow will be better, with the first day out of the way, then you can hunt 'n peck out of your mind. (See: Detroit Tigers in the ALDS vs. NY Yankees last year)

But in all I applaud the effort, it's an incredibly demanding and exhausting writing gig, you didn't back down and quit, and simply being asked by Will to run the site for the weekend is honor enough and proof of what you've accomplished as a group so far. And personally, on behalf of the other weekend editors I appreciate you keeping the place warm while none of us three were able to patrol both Saturday and Sunday.

S___

HOLLY: To Do: Your weekend of sleeping in a racecar bed.
METSY: What you missed while waxing your unibrow...
ANDREA: What you missed while polishing your telephoto lens.....
TSW: What to watch as you figure out even more animated gifs...
HOLLY: Blogdome: Are you There, God? It's Me, Manchild.
TSW: The Daily Closer: Not knowing what that last word means.
HOLLY: What to watch as you cackle at the meta awesomeness of CRASHING DUAN WHILE AT THE WHEEL OF DEADSPIN I CAST A SPELL!
ANDREA: We Have to Ask: How's the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome?
HOLLY: We have to ask: What's happening to my body, Dad?
TSW: What you missed through the haze of smug...
HOLLY: What you missed while folding your pleated Dockers...
HOLLY: We have to ask: PB & J: Triangles or squares?
ANDREA: To Watch Tonight: The Scrambled Porn, looking for a breast
HOLLY: To Watch Tonight: Rubbing one out to David The Gnome
SA: What you missed while being picked last for kickball.
HOLLY: We Have To Ask: MOOOOOOOM, what's the Net Nanny password?
ANDREA: Blogdome:
My Favorite Martha Stewart Living Episodes [www.futonreport.net]
HTML for People Way Smarter than You [www.futonreport.net]
Pop Culture References No One Will Get [www.futonreport.net]
My Girlfriend, Who Lives in Canada [www.futonreport.net]
HOLLY: We Have to Ask: You don't know her; she goes to another school!
TSW: What to watch as you plan your next trip to Niagara Falls...
HOLLY: We have to ask: Velcro strap high top Reeboks: Black or white?
TSW: What you missed when while crafting your next clever "joke".
HOLLY: The Daily Closer: Second Base, Unattainable.
HOLLY: Week In Review:
I Have To Wash My Hair [www.snarkastic.com]
My Grandmother Died. No, Um, the other one [andreasatrium.wordpress.com]
AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA---Oh, really? Oh. Uh. I have a boyfriend. [keepyourreceipt.blogspot.com]
Not If You Were The Last Man On Earth [stopkillingentourage.typepad.com]
J-MONEY: We Have to Ask: Sweat-Wicking Underwear is a Turn On, Right?
ANDREA: I Actually Have to Ask: What in the hell is sweat-wicking underwear?
HOLLY: About Last Night: We're Just Not That Into You.
J-MONEY: I think Under Armour makes them... they're underwear but composed of that wicking fabric so his daddy parts stay dry enough for Steinbeck to write about them, even though his groin is actually a fountain of sweat.
ANDREA: Uhhhhhhh.......sweet. Click clack?
J-MONEY: Yeah. Not exactly my idea of sexy. Or hygienic, really.
[several minutes pass]
HOLLY: The use of "S___" and "underwear" in one line...as if a million ovaries suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
TSW: Remember that birth control discussion we had? Yeah. I'm good now.

Don't Cross The Streams: NCAA 2007

I have so much work to get through before I take off for the desert this weekend that I'm honestly about to die of exasperation. In the meantime: Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

Choose the Form of the Destructor

I am proud to present the First Annual Gozer the Gozerian NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on strength of schedule, returning starters, returning Gatekeepers and/or Keymasters, and reported injuries. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Gozer the Gozerian, Zuul 1, Zuul 2, Slimer, The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, the Weird Pink Mood Ooze, Viggo the Carpathian, and Coach Mink Coat That Came To Life And Chased That Rich Lady.

1. LSU

GOZER SAYS: There is no justification in the world for ranking USC above LSU. The Tigers would destroy them in head to head combat. They also play a much tougher schedule (featuring no less than six solid Top 25 teams) and have stronger returning players (Matt Flynn and Early Doucet). When in doubt, just picture the intimidating Tiger Stadium. As an old friend once said, "there was a building or something with flames coming out of it, and there were creatures writhing around, and they were growling and snarling. And there were flames, and I heard a voice say 'Zuul'! (Pointing at seemingly innocuous stadium) It was right here!"

2 West Virginia

GOZER SAYS: I really struggled with myself over this one, but I think they're in a much stronger position than Texas, and also I have a WVU shirt and I don't have a Texas shirt (courtesy of the Mountaineering Andersons [That's WFVU to you. Also, the fact that we were wearing those during last year's Cal game makes me want to pack mine for Berkeley. --ed.]). So they reap the benefits. However, they play a noticeably weak schedule, with only two likely ranked opponents (unless my Terps somehow step it up), so WVU and Steve Slaton will really have to dominate to maintain this position. Remember, Steve, if someone asks you if you are a god, you say yes; otherwise, be prepared for destruction.

3 Michigan

GOZER SAYS: I hate Michigan so much, but they're good, and deserve to be here. They have several strong opponents and the combo of Henne/Manningham should continue to erase defenders with the deep ball. Of course, this offensive scheme would get owned by almost any team in the SEC, but Michigan has wisely elected not to play any of them in the regular season, when the SEC would show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown.

4 USC

GOZER SAYS: I'm not buying the hype. They lose at least two this season. My prayer is that Harrison Smith [GOD DAMMIT do not foster a grudging affection for Notre Dame in me. --ed.] and Jimmy Clausen will rise from the newly minted Irish mediocrity and have one brief shining moment against them, which will drop USC like a stone, but that is probably too much to hope for. So many teams could drop them: Oregon, O State, Nebraska, maybe even a desperate Cal. Why do I rank them so low, you ask? Simple: tons of returning starters do not assure you a national title. Ask Leinart and Bush. Also, they have been at the top so long now that their cockiness this season may just be their downfall. What I mean is Old Testament, real wrath-of-God type stuff. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling. Forty years of darkness. Earthquakes, volcanoes...The dead rising from the grave. Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together -- mass hysteria.

5 Texas

GOZER SAYS: Injuries and too-frequent arrests prohibit me from ranking them above USC, as does their questionable early season schedule. But Colt McCoy has shown that he can be a season-ruiner for other teams, so watch out for them. After all, the door swings both ways, they could reverse the particle flow through the gate by crossing the streams.

6 Ohio State

GOZER SAYS: I was all set to put Louisville in this slot, but for some reason my fingers just would not do it. Call it a gut feeling. Bobby Petrino's defection to the hapless Cardinals taints the school with failure before the first snap. They lost too many stars to the draft, and Brian Brohm is only one man. I feel that they're going down. People judge OSU too harshly for the national championship game, but bear this in mind: that was the natural result of the Big 10 challenging the SEC. Since Ohio State plays what can only be described as a truly pitiful schedule this fall, featuring almost zero teams of consequence before their last game against Michigan, they should play well in the polls.

7 Oklahoma

GOZER SAYS:...where the winds come sweeping down the plains, and by winds I mean touchdowns, and by plains I mean fields. They play a lot of tough games that they can win, and Reggie Smith is a beast for the D. He is Viggo! You are like the buzzing of flies to him!

8 Wisconsin

GOZER SAYS: I don't know why, but I just cannot buy into the Virginia Tech predictions. Why? Oh, I don't know. Perhaps it's that second game of the season--where they visit Death Valley (a game I will be SHOCKED if the Tigers lose: try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. Total protonic reversal). Wisconsin, however, was good enough to beat a strong Arkansas in their bowl game, and is returning enough starters to have good juju (although their back to back matchups against Ohio State and Michigan in November do not bode well).

9 Tennessee

GOZER SAYS: After the first three games, I fully expect that Tennessee will be in the AP Top 10, where we rightfully belong, thanks to Ainge, Foster, Colquitt and the like. OH, AND DAVID CUTCLIFFE [*cooing* --ed.]. On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, he sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil! No further explanation is necessary.

10 Auburn

GOZER SAYS: Georgia will choke. Big time. So will Florida. Of the remaining SEC teams, I think Auburn is stronger than South Carolina (they lack depth of talent), Arkansas (they will self-destruct courtesy of Houston Nutt), or Alabama. (You know that speech Rhett Butler gives at Twelve Oaks, about how all the Confederates have is cotton, slaves, and arrogance, but they're all cocky and think they're going to win anyway, and he just sidles out, smirking to himself? Ladies and Gentlemen, the 2007 Crimson Tide.)

V-F Day

Well, I know what I'm wearing to work for the next week.

Vote or Die.*

*no, seriously, Ned will straight murder your ass.

Laff Riot: Summer Reruns, Sweeps Week

Auto response from Livia (00:05:27): Actual things said during Batboy Tech:
1) "HOLD, damn you! This blood needs to gush like a geyser. We're not doing 42nd Street."
2) "Less giggling while they're trying to grind, please."
3) "I'm sorry, I can't make that set change, I only have three fingers."
4) "Lights 46, go. Lights 46, GO. LIGHTS 46, STOP PRANCING AROUND IN THE BOOTH AND START SPOTLIGHTING"
5) "Parthenon...Ice Capades...Disneyland....fuck. Now what? Oh yeah. Ruby Ridge."
6) "It's nice to know that when I inevitably fall into the orchestra pit, the piano will be there to break my fall."
7) "Do I smell bacon frying, or is the scrim on fire?"
8) "I know you want him hanging upside down in the cage, but if he falls, his ears might come off."
9) "Rick Taylor Ate My Baby"
10) "Why is there a gigantic bear ogling me from stage left?"

Spawn: So, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology is proud to offer me admission to the Class of 2009
Spawn (18:08:50): I feel a sort of deep peace and satisfaction for having tied Nick, as it were.
Nastinchka(18:10:04): Heh. Atta girl.
Spawn (18:10:45): Aww, he's being no fun.
Spawn (18:10:50): Just congratulatory.
Spawn (18:10:54): I obviously played it wrong.

Livia (15:16:42): i am both filled with christmas cheer and filled with the cold desire to watch *****'s bone marrow leak out of her crumpled body. I'd like to trim the Christmas tree....with her BONES.
Nastinchka(15:17:11): I'll help.
Nastinchka(15:17:17): We can put her vapid skull on top.
Nastinchka(15:17:26): I bet no one ever said "vapid skull" before.
Livia (15:17:32): No, it won't be in one piece anymore.
Livia (15:17:56): I kind of thought we could make an advent wreath, except instead of candles, it would be her organs.
Feezle (15:46:41): man, i can see the christmas carols now: Deck the halls and disembowel, fa la la la la, let's kill that bitch!
Feezle (15:48:16): it puts the presents in the stocking, or ends up like steven hawking...

Auto response from Nastinchka (18:43:03): GOOD: Sexual acrobatics.
BAD: Headache.
UGLY: Limping to drugstore for ice pack and Aleve to speed healing of grievous head wound sustained during sexual acrobatics. No, I'm not fucking joking.
Auto response from Livia (18:43:03): GOOD: delicious, satisying dinner.
BAD: Lots of stained dishes to wash.
UGLY: Dishes are stained with bloody scraps of Current Love's Ex-Girlfriend.

Love is a battlefield:
Princess PrettyPants (23:18:23): so i almost had sex with this guy last night and he bit my lip really hard and now its sore.
Nastinchka(23:18:40): WOW.
Princess PrettyPants (23:19:35): i told this guy who i guess i should now call my friend that if he took a shot i would kiss him. and i didnt think he would think anything of it, but then he kissed me.
Princess PrettyPants (23:20:27): and i was all drunk and stuff so i was leanin on him and what not and before i knew it he was telling me how pretty my eyes were adn how being irish is hot and then we were making out
Nastinchka(23:20:35): Hottt. (Right?)
Princess PrettyPants (23:20:44): which we continued to do for the rest of the night
Princess PrettyPants (23:20:50): peroidically
Princess PrettyPants (23:22:12): so then everyone started crashing and we went into my friend zack's room and almost had sex... except he didnt have a condom and he told me he had never been really good at the whole pulling out thing... which i had been suspicious of
Princess PrettyPants (23:22:32): and then all of a sudden he was putting his clothes on and he was gone.
Nastinchka(23:23:06): You had a little bit of a night, didn't you?
Princess PrettyPants (23:23:19): so at six in the AM i shamefully walked myself to the car as i was laughing hysterically and beginning to get a hangover
Princess PrettyPants (23:23:47): then i drove myself home and got into bed with my mommy who was waking up for the day
Princess PrettyPants (23:23:55): and yes i had a bit of a night
Princess PrettyPants (23:24:00): it was hilarious
Princess PrettyPants (23:25:18): it was a big random ass reunion of people i hadnt seen since high school and didnt particularly want to see, but hanging out with my actual friends was "akward" and a "bad plan" (thanks jp) so i went and almost fucked a guy.
Princess PrettyPants (23:25:38): i swear it was totally not planned, but i did look super hot.
Nastinchka(23:26:22): I've never been prouder of you. I'm not kidding.
Princess PrettyPants (23:27:44): it was great, but my lip seriously hurts. the best part was that while we were making out i stpooed for a second and said "you know this is really going to complicate our myspace relationship" it was comdey gold.
Princess PrettyPants (23:29:18): hey spell debauchery. is that right?
Nastinchka(23:29:25): Yes.

11:12:37 Livia (Autoreply): What if, instead of writing the assigned essay on the ramifications of the IDE social justice system in theory and practice, I just simply wrote on a piece of white paper the description of my new body lotion: "Be whisked away to your very own paradise with this luscious blend of fresh coconut, lime, and fragrant verbena warmed by vanilla and musk". Written by Livia Harlowe--now infused with real coconut extract!

Adventures in voltage adapting:
Feezle: the outlet looks like / \ with a | underneath, right?
Nastinchka: No, its | | with a | above, but close enough/
Feezle: is the | slot covered?

8:18:13 PM Nastinchka: .......you're on fire tonight.
8:18:44 PM Livia: ...and it's all wasted on the under-10 set
8:18:47 PM Livia: ALTHOUGH
8:19:29 PM Livia: i did teach my 4 year old cousin brandon the de niro "you talkin to me" monologue AND the nicholson "wendy, gimme the bat...im not gonna hurtya" monologue...AND I GOT IT ON FILM
8:19:42 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
8:19:47 PM Livia: holly, i almost died
8:20:16 PM Livia: i especially like his delivery on the shining mono...its so sinister...and then he breaks out into this joyful grin and reassures the camera "im not gonna hurtya!"

Nastinchka: I just threw pears all over the kitchen by accident......not so much with the motor skills, eh what?
'Bus:: No, not so much with the Grace and Elegance.
Nastinchka: I didn't say that!!
'Bus:: Did you kill them and eat them?
Nastinchka: I did (am).
'Bus:: Freshly clubbed pears.

Auto response from Livia (15:04:35): things that Holly has said that please me:
5. "that pasta is awfully big not to be maggots."
4. "ACT: sleepover of the damned."
3. "nice dress, t-RASH."
2. "we are fucking bulletproof. (insert mario star theme here)."
1. the octopus dance!!

L_____ (00:09:41): Anyway, whatever, it's not like I'm pining or anything here, but I hate losing friends, especially when those friends say, as they're taking off my clothes "whatever happens, I don't want to screw up our friendship."

T$ (00:52:04): oh, other news: went out with this other girl tonight. when it rains, it pours, Holly...when it rains, it pours. anyway, the one from tonight (S______) is way cool...she's applied to grad school for environmental communication (essentially media theory, esp. from a gender-based perspective.) she likes the right movies (e.g., i heart huckabees), feels disenfranchised from the right political party, studied at the sorbonne for a year, and is pretty to boot. so i'm excited about where this might go. don't worry! i won't ruin it by calling her!

10:37:42 AM Livia (Autoreply): Oh Scarecrow, I *am* going to miss you most of all. You and your rotting, maggoty gunnysack hood of sexiness.
4:38:53 Nastinchka(Autoreply): Oh, Scarecrow, I *am* going to miss you most of all. You and your rotting, maggoty gunnysack hood of sweaty hate-sex.
4:38:52 Livia: See, for me it wouldn't be hate sex. I don't care if he's evil as long as he "does it to me one more time like he did with his nerve gas"

7:14:44 Feezle: for mi final in advanced design, im building a surface to air toaster

Livia (16:05:25): This reminds me--Trey wants us to go to Africa this summer.
Nastinchka(16:05:40): That's a nice place...................to be EATEN.
Livia (16:05:45): Get This
Livia (16:06:01): Did I ever tell you WHY he is fixated on Africa?
Nastinchka(16:06:20): Because he wants to shoot something?
Livia (16:09:17): Since we were children--well, no actually--since we were in high school, Trey has had this thing about lions being the King of the Jungle and the most fearsome beasts alive. He decided that if he could kill a lion, he would be, like, this legendary unstoppable macho machine. So I was like, "OK, let's go to Africa and you can shoot a lion while I watch from the Jeep with our very attractive and very black shirtless safari guide". And he goes, "No, Joan. I want to kill it with my bare hands." And no reasoning from my lips, including the logical response of "Thats Impossible, You Asshole" can sway him from his talismanic belief in the Lion. So he wants to try to kill it with his bare hands by breaking it's neck (which I believe falls under the category of Things That Are Ridiculously Unattainable).
Nastinchka(16:10:00): Make sure he makes A Will first, and that you firgure prominently. I don't see the downside to this one.
Livia (16:11:02): It would be Hilarious (TM) to see the Lion kill him
Livia (16:12:06): I would really enjoy seeing him prepare to kill the lion, then he gets out on the plain and it just charges and kills him instantly.
Livia (16:12:17): All I would get back would be his Safari Hat.
Livia (16:12:24): And honestly, that would be enough.
Livia (16:13:58): I would then casually shoot the lion from our jeep, wearing a Cute Khaki Safari Miniskirt and Cute Camoflauge Safari Top (TM), have its head mounted on my palace wall, and live the rest of my days in luxury.
Nastinchka(16:14:28): Everybody wins!
Livia (16:14:59): I am so sending this to Trey
Livia (16:15:14): Right Now
Livia (16:15:18): I can't wait to see his reaction
Livia (16:16:10): he'll probably get on a plane with an axe-gun
Nastinchka(16:16:46): He can't. He'll have to buy one here, what with all the new security, and you and I knw better than anyone how hard it is to find a good axe-gun on short notice.

My boss is an Italian plumber:
'Box:*
'Box: now I feel like I should be invicible for 10 seconds
'Box: but it ain't working

Emmy:: Beauty and the Beast: SVU
Livia: belle is found in the castle covered in beastgasm fluids
Emmy:: witnesses heard roars and saw foams
Livia: Unidentified houseworker claims: "the master has a horrible temper"
Emmy:: possible suspects: Babette and Lumiere
Emmy:: the victim had burn marks and feathers were found at the scene of the crime
Livia: blood trail led to the forbidden "west wing" of the castle
Emmy:: a napkin, with very bad grammar said "I heard trois screams coming from the west wing"
Livia: police statement read "this case? tale as old as time. no pain could have been deeper, no price steeper for our killer. she was their guest."
Emmy:: RIOT IN THE COURT!
Livia: BEASTGASM IN THE COURT
Emmy:: lets be detectives
Livia: okay!!
Livia: only if we can have our own agency with allison
Livia: called Beastgasm Inc.
Emmy:: in the little town its a quiet village?
Livia: yeah. every day is like the one before, except for the part where we are investigating grisly murders.
Emmy:: little town full of little people, waking up to say "DIE!!!!!!"
Livia: i can hear ashley now..."NO! MAKE SURE YOU PLIE WHEN YOU STAB!"
Emmy:: releve and stab
Emmy:: no
Emmy:: it would be more like mortal kombat
Emmy:: high kicks to the face
Livia: portebras, and KICK! releve, and KICK! PLIE! PLIE! Grab beating heart out of chest, and PRESENT!

The road to hell is paved with compex carbohydrates.
Auto response from Feezle (17:21:43): (from the makers of papal towels) the new taste sensation in the world of transubstantiation, JEEZ-IT cheddar flavored communion wafers! (preffered 2 to 1 over jeez nips)

'Box: (20:17:35): are you better?
'Box: (20:20:23): i.e. recovered from the Satanic Scourge of the Dark Winds of the Tunnel of Maine?
Nastinchka(20:20:34): Yeah, a bit.
Nastinchka(20:20:37): Fucking Maine.
'Box: (20:21:04): you made enemies with the weather of a state, man. Or did they start it? They must've started it....

Feezle (20:38:46): so a guy with a defective hand totally called me out at dinner tonight
Feezle (20:38:53): thing is, i didn't know he had a birth defect
Feezle (20:39:12): so he was all like "man, you've had two beers, you should stop"
Feezle (20:39:20): and i said "why, i'm not drunk"
Feezle (20:39:30): "oh yeah, how many fingers am i holding up"
Feezle (20:39:55): he seriously had two fingers that merged into one
Feezle (20:40:05): i said four and a half
Feezle (20:40:18): and bought him a beer
Feezle (20:40:26): then we did it to chuck
Feezle (20:40:30): now he is my friend

4:35:08 Livia: oh! Ruthie is miraculously out of her wheelchair
4:35:28 Nastinchka: ...wheelchair?
4:36:01 Livia: yeah Josh told me he saw her pitifully wheeling herself around campus and she told him she had a broken leg....but yet in acting class on friday, she was walking
4:36:27 Nastinchka: Um.
4:36:28 Nastinchka: Wow.
[Aaaaand...scene:]
4:36:34 Nastinchka: IT'S A MIRAKEL!!
4:36:37 Nastinchka: LIKE MAH BABY!!
4:36:52 Nastinchka: MAH MIRAKEL BABY WHAT CAME FROM JEEZUS!!
4:37:36 Livia: ah thought if ah just broke mah laigs maybe Lord God would see fit to give me another baiby and then ah could give it to wun of them families what doesnt have wun.
4:38:22 Nastinchka: MAMA SEZ ALL AH HAFTA DEW IS POP OUT ANOTHER'N AN' THE GUVERRMINT'LL SEND US A CHECK!!
4:39:51 Livia: and then ah might use that there money to buy me a pig seein as how i done accidentally killed the last wun when ah tried to see if it had three fangers
4:40:50 Nastinchka: Ah wudd'na stuck its face inna well iffn it hadna skweelt so dang blasted much
4:41:48 Livia: how was ah supposed to know pigs caint breathe underwater. i thought they was like whails and they just used ther pink curley tails to get H2O, thats how sciantests spell air.
4:43:01 Nastinchka: how kum ah gots gills anna pig ain't got but lungses? 'at doktor, he sez its cuz mama fucked uncle dad afore i's born, but mama says mah gills're frum JEEZUS!!
4:44:10 Livia: ima gonna use mah gills to be belle [in Beauty and the Beast] acause shes one of them classy girls and classy girls like belle can do all kindsa crazy mirakels like reading and breathing when there aint no air
4:45:10 Nastinchka: an ah gets ta wear a yaller dress, yaller lahk tha snow out bah the dawhouse thar, and sang, and sang, and SAING!! AH'M A PURDY GIRL, MAMA!!!
4:47:26 Livia: and in thuh end i falls in love with this animal and i love it furAIVER and i have lotsa babies that i keep em under the house like pets
4:49:56 Nastinchka: [The director], he sez at beest, he gots ta turn back inter man at the end, but if ah paint at there beast head with glue he could be a beast fur EVER. he cant change back if he can't take off iz head. and wed make us some beestbabbies.
4:50:36 Livia: beestbabbies
4:50:37 Livia: LOL
4:50:53 Nastinchka: I know, right?

Nastinchka(14:51:34): *stifles joke*
'Box: (14:52:07): since when?
Nastinchka(14:52:19): Since when do I stifle? You've got a point.
'Box: (14:52:26): I mean, you roam through battlefields to find the jokes!
'Box: (14:53:01): you know that scene in What Dreams May Come when Robin Williams is in hell walking through the hill of heads? and then he finds his dad's head (Werner Herzog). Yeah. Werner Herzog represents the jokes

Livia: you know what will make you feel better?
Livia: kill something.
Caesar:: i will definitely keep that in mind. and after the week i have scheduled, i may need to
Livia: lots of working and not enough killing, i take it.
Caesar:: indeed. i have one day off between now and tuesday of next week
Livia: So clearly i should come into express dressed as the stay-puft marshmallow man.
Caesar:: that would be highly amusing, to say the least
Livia: or i will come as gozer
Livia: john: can i help you, ma'am? Joan: are you a god? john: well...no...but let me show you these new capri pants. Joan: DIE (flame jets from hands with strobe effect)
Livia: just imagine
Livia: IMAGINE, john.
Caesar:: oh i am, i am
Livia: and holly and jay come dressed as the zuul dogs
Livia: they go around sniffing the merchandise and eating peoples faces off
Caesar:: yesssssssss......
Livia: better yet, i come in as viggo from ghostbusters 2. "on a mountain of skulls, in a castle of pain, i sat on a throne of blood!...and i was wearing a navy pinstripe buttondown, size 8."

The problem with AOL is that anyone can get an AOL account.

And here's my Sunday piece. Also: Sequel to the elegy, coming this week.

Big Girl Pants!

If you want to get technical, this is my third Deadspin piece, but the first in which I've been able to fully express that emotion closest to my "heart": spite.

It's Friday, I'm in limbo

Hey, it takes studious focus (that, and a complete lack of inspiration) to not post here for weeks at a time. Writing for others comes easy as ever, though, and here's where you'll find me to-day.

[UPDATE: Oh, and I should probably mention where we'll be all weekend, too. Watch out for bears!]

felt the earth move?

When we had the wildfires a couple months back, I was laughing to TheStarterWife how I was getting panicky calls from my mom about my welfare. (Silly Momma, there's no trees to burn downtown.) TSW replied, "Wait'll the earthquake." I slept through my first one of those last week, a 4.5. Weren't nothin'.

Our buddy kleph, on the other hand, is down in Peru, where they're not having the best week, tectonically. He's all right, still kicking out thousands of words with the greatest of ease, and is continuing his updates here.

Sometimes I think I live too close to Pete Carroll for my own comfort.

This was in my mailbox this morning:

Oh, I am, sir. I am.

Drink!

Can it have been six months?

Confession: After all that work and all the late nights, after the drafts and the bracket and misadventures at Deadspin, EDSBS, and KSK, this is still my proudest moment.

Laff Riot: Summer Reruns vs. Predator

Livia (12:14:29): i support that.
Livia (12:16:38): much like this new bra supports my rack in an interesting and heretofore impossible way.
Nastinchka (12:17:09): .
Livia (12:18:10): This "Bianca Blue" is the Frank Lloyd Wright of the bra world.
Nastinchka (12:18:37): It's built on the side of a mountain?
Livia (12:19:55): And made of chrome & glass

Nastinchka (13:49:54): Commercial: "Listerine is as effective as floss."
Nastinchka (13:50:06): text at bottom of screeen: "floss daily."
'Bus (13:50:10): Not at strangling people.
Nastinchka (13:50:18): That's what I'm saying
'Bus (13:50:33): Listerine is better for drowning people, though.
Nastinchka (13:51:00): I'll take your word for it.
'Bus (13:51:34): When I kill someone I want their last thoughts to be,"God, what minty freshnness!"
Nastinchka (13:52:10): "What a tragedy that no one will ever know the invigorating scent that flows from my lungs."
Nastinchka (13:52:20): "At least I'll be fresh for the coroner."
Nastinchka (13:52:44): Coroner: "Cause of death: Minty Goodness."
'Bus (13:52:54): "No odor causing bacteria in my respiratory system!"
'Bus (13:53:03): Better than a flamethrower.
Nastinchka (13:53:10): In fact, no respiration a'tall!!

Shmoo (16:16:12): My words exactly
Nastinchka (16:16:30): Well....yes.
Nastinchka (16:16:32): And no.
Nastinchka (16:16:55): The sticks your limbs were tied to as I manipulated them from above, including those attached to your vocal cords, say differently.
Shmoo (16:16:58): true, true

Never change:
'Bus (23:28:34): I don't like the word 'shift'. It sounds like I work at McDonalds.
Nastinchka (23:28:53): What would you rather call it?
'Bus (23:28:54): Tehe... A McDonalds with a $1 billion synchrotron.

Livia (22:47:24): stew says i should go to graduation. opinion?
Nastinchka (22:47:56): You should, and I'm coming with you.
Livia (22:49:11): I'm going to Mordor alone!
Nastinchka (22:50:41): Of course you are!
Nastinchka (22:50:45): And I'm coming with you!
Livia (22:51:08): You can't swim!
Nastinchka (22:51:13): *glub*
Nastinchka (22:51:20): *gurgle*
Livia (22:52:09): this just took on a creepy roleplaying tone that i dont like

'Bus (18:31:15): Judge strikes down Gov. Bush's brain-dead woman law
'Bus (18:31:44): I read that with woman and brain-dead both modifying law.

Moving Day:
Nastinchka (19:24:45): Isaac could prolly carry our tv by himself, with Jay on his back giving commands.
Livia (19:24:54): YES
Livia (19:24:58): ike can carry my b ed
Nastinchka (19:25:06): I think we should buy Jay a sedan chair.
Livia (19:25:45): i think we should poke around in his nervous system until we hit the spot that makes you stutter, then call him "uncle clau clau" just like in i claudius.

Nastinchka (08:31:07): its shower did not help as much as it hoped.
Nastinchka (08:31:11): it is merely wet and sleepy.
'Bus (08:31:30): I don't know how to say wet in chinese.
Nastinchka (08:31:32): Which is funny, but not helpful.
'Bus (08:31:41): Surely that's important.
'Bus (08:31:48): I'm not sure I know how to say water
Nastinchka (08:31:55): Hrm. Get to that.
'Bus (08:32:05): Shui.
'Bus (08:32:15): Ah, I do know.
Nastinchka (08:32:25): *polite interest*
'Bus (08:32:27): We learn rhymes and proverbs as a vocab base.
'Bus (08:32:45): small tadpole, water in swim, tiny tail, big head.
'Bus (08:32:54): I think it's neat.
Nastinchka (08:33:02): It is.
'Bus (08:33:09): Though why we know the word for tadpole and not for wet confuses me.

Hunter Grayson (23:26:54): harlowe/moran: we never promised you a rose garden. okay, we did, but the countless thorns were unmentioned.
Livia (23:27:13): harlowe/moran: also, we never said the roses wouldn't be fertilized with your flesh.

'Box (13:50:44): ah, Maureen Dowd, cosy, curmudgeonly, dowd
Nastinchka (13:51:06): You know she dated Sorkin? Wouldn't they have the most alarmingly talented cabbages?
'Box (13:51:28): no, had no idea
'Box (13:51:32): but I can so see it.
Nastinchka (13:51:50): yeah.
'Box (13:51:54): i thought to myself one day, I wonder if she's a fan of the WW? And now I must laugh at that for a second.
'Box (13:53:40): their spawn would've been one hot liberal. I mean, it would literally come out zinging and writing op-eds. Like, maybe on the walls of her uterus.
'Box (13:54:39): Her womb would read like so:
Nastinchka (13:55:03): *cringes*
'Box (13:55:22): Ok. I can't write like Dowd, or Sorkin. I admit it
'Box (13:55:27): hold on a second though
Nastinchka (13:55:46): Holding
'Box (13:56:39): ok. I give up. Not. That. Brilliant. gasp. bemoan own lack of brilliance. Search for Sports Night clips...and cry
Nastinchka (13:56:53): Yeah.
'Box (13:56:55): that was my AIM performance art: Lament in G-Minor for Sorkinikus Dowdicum

Livia (18:24:15): I had an over-the-phone run-in with Stew's Moo
Livia (18:24:18): it was terrifying
Nastinchka (18:24:22): The hell?
Nastinchka (18:24:48): Spill.
Livia (18:25:42): i was talking to him and she very sweetly came up and was like "stewart, we're having dinner. hang up that motherfucking phone" and he went "it's joan, she just got out of the hospital' and she went "oh, we're glad to hear she's feeling better. now hang up that motherfucking phone before i hit you in the face with it. best wishes to joan". the end.
Nastinchka (18:25:51): WTF
Nastinchka (18:25:55): Are you fucking joking?
Livia (18:26:01): No
Livia (18:26:03): no, i'm not.
Nastinchka (18:26:11): Stewart's gonna come back with a black eye and be alll ".....I fell".
Livia (18:26:18): it was awesome
Nastinchka (18:26:39): OMG, he called me last night at like 1 am and I missed it and I called him back to day and he was all "I hit your number by accident", but I bet it was a cry for help. Awesome.
Livia (18:27:21): Stewart did??
Nastinchka (18:28:08): Cry. For. Help.
Nastinchka (18:28:11): I'm telling you.
Livia (18:29:03): it was like a religious experience. i was simultaneously terrified by her wrath and awed by her glorious power.
Livia (18:30:46): then he called me back and told me how his mom exhibited sympathy for me at the table,. then punished him by telling everyone stories about puberty.
Nastinchka (18:31:00): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (18:31:07): Clearly, this is someone we need to emulate.
Livia (18:32:13): seriously, i was drawn to her yet filled with holy terror
Nastinchka (18:32:43): So the chat window I had open over yours covered up 'holy terror', and I sweartagod the first word I thought was "Custard".
Livia (18:33:49): from now on i am calling you Venomous Custard Dance Remix 2004

Vintage:
Nastinchka: G'night, muffin
'Bus: No
'Bus: Only I'm allowed to say that
'Bus: Double standard.
Nastinchka: I started!!
'Bus: Ok... Universal muffin disarmament.
'Bus: Endearment armistice

Livia (19:25:12): "Seth Green Caught in Near-Fatal Incident on Movie Set"?!?!?!?!?!? FIRST JOHN RITTER AND NOW THIS. PENNYWISE IS MAKING HIS WAY THROUGH THE CAST OF IT.
Nastinchka (19:25:21): I KNOW!!!
Nastinchka (19:25:23): I SAW!!
Nastinchka (19:25:27): It was a whirlpool
Nastinchka (19:25:31): DID WE CALL THIS OR WHAT??
Nastinchka (19:25:39): WE SAID IT WAS GONNA BE HIM
Livia (19:25:47): "He jumped into a tide pool that he couldn't get out of and almost got sucked under a rock...[by a fucking CLOWN ARM]"
Livia (19:27:09): Why couldn't it have been Annette O'Toole? You know how Pennywise is going to get her. She and Michael McKean are going to be innocently writing a song together about rainbows or puppies or rainbow-colored puppies and he's just going to turn into the fucking clown and eat her face off.
Nastinchka (19:28:08): We have to warn her. Get your coat.
Livia (19:28:29): WARN her? We should try to get the film rights.
Livia (19:29:06): "Annette O'Toole perishes in bloodbath: Masses question, 'Who? No, wait...Peter's wife? Oh, his daughter. Right."

'Bus (15:42:19): Enjoy your shower. I watch.
'Bus (15:42:40): Er, the movie.
'Bus (15:42:43): Not you in the shower.
Nastinchka (15:43:03): Right. That would take A Mighty Telescope.
'Bus (15:43:15): I go to MIT. We have those.
Nastinchka (15:43:32): Fo my part, I'll be watching my soapy back.

Caesar: *thud*
Nastinchka: *dusts off hands*
Caesar: *takes off bullet proof vest*
Caesar: *reveals vest underneath*
Nastinchka: *unlatches dinosaur cage*
Caesar: *cowers*
Nastinchka: *flinches at sequins but maintains front sight*

Livia (23:03:04): have i told you about my demented dream where fran drescher and roseanne were giant metal robots who had a battle royale over who got to play me in my biopic? hahahaha
Nastinchka (23:04:18): ..............
Livia (23:07:39): fran won but only because she ripped off roseannes legs and she fell into this ditch

Nastinchka (15:10:53): so i may or may no hae just glues my left hand to my laptop
Caesar (15:11:01): LOL
Nastinchka (15:11:01): hence the lack of shift keys and punctuation
Caesar (15:11:11): AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (15:11:13): NOT FUNNNNU\Y
Nastinchka (15:11:18): (funny)
Caesar (15:11:26): yeah, it really is
Nastinchka (15:11:29): :-(
Nastinchka (15:11:32): OW
Nastinchka (15:11:38): HEZLZP
Caesar (15:11:42): did you get it off?
Nastinchka (15:11:44): NO
Caesar (15:11:55): use nail polish remover
Nastinchka (15:12:01): BUT I FOUND THE CAPS LOCK
Nastinchka (15:12:22): OWOWOWOOWOWOW
Caesar (15:13:10): NAIL POLISH REMOVER
Caesar (15:13:14): GO
Nastinchka (15:13:30): I WILL HAVE TO CARRY THE LAPTOP
Caesar (15:13:38): and...?
Nastinchka (15:13:43): AND WORK A COTTON BALL AND A SCREW OFF LID WITH ONE HAND
Nastinchka (15:13:52): UT'S BEST AND BRIGHTEST
Caesar (15:14:03): well, what are you waiting for
Nastinchka (15:14:04): THIS WILL BE A MERRY JAUNT
Caesar (15:14:12): it's that or stay glued
Nastinchka (15:14:22): YES, IT IS.
Caesar (15:15:21): at least it's not a table:-D<----add horns
Auto response from Nastinchka (15:15:21): ;kjkh;ioiupuohj;'lkcaryinglaptop to bathroom clost don't ask pls advise
Nastinchka (15:20:20): GOD.
Caesar (15:20:49): how 'boucha?
Caesar (15:20:56): is it off?
Nastinchka (15:21:00): Yes.
Nastinchka (15:21:04): Along with some skin.
Caesar (15:21:23): yeah, i thought it best not to tell you that part
Nastinchka (15:21:54): The nail polish remover dinna work. I had to rip.
Nastinchka (15:22:01): OW.
Caesar (15:22:02): ahhhh
Nastinchka (15:22:13): aaaand....scene.

Spawn (22:13:03): Some days I wonder if I belong in theatre, and then I'll have a moment of blinding passionate love for life, marked by dancing, singing, screaming, driving, or some combination of the above, followed abruptly by the desire to slit my throat.
Spawn (22:13:07): And then I know I'm in the right place.

Auto response from Nastinchka: We that are true lovers run into strange capers in the shower; but as all is mortal in nature, so is all nature in love mortal in folly.

Nastinchka: I was driving to work
Nastinchka: ANd outside the NUclear Safety COmmission building
Nastinchka: Were three clowns standing by a pickup truck.
Nastinchka: No lies.
Nastinchka: I mean, we're talking wigs, full makeup, shoes, everything.I almost ran off the road.
Caesar: "you can't say nuclear, that really scares me...."

'Bus (12:20:47): EWW.
Nastinchka (12:20:51): ??
'Bus (12:20:54): Have you seen the new nickels?
Nastinchka (12:20:58): I KNOW.
Nastinchka (12:20:59): GOD.
Nastinchka (12:21:07): Yucky.
'Bus (12:21:08): THE EYES
'Bus (12:21:15): THEY PIERCE MY SOUL
'Bus (12:21:22): MERCY, OH GREAT JEFFERSON
Nastinchka (12:21:43): UNCLE, FATHER OF DEMOCRACY.
Nastinchka (12:21:57): THOSE DEAD STARING EYES
Nastinchka (12:22:01): LIKE A DOLL'S EYES
'Bus (12:22:06): SCRIBE OF INDEPENDENCE
Nastinchka (12:22:24): "The 2005 nickel designs follow Thomas Jefferson's vision to explore the great West," AND YOUR CHEST CAVITY.
'Bus (12:22:27): It's like fucking telltale heart.
'Bus (12:22:38): Only without proper capitalization.
'Bus (12:23:01): And no lantern.
Nastinchka (12:23:05): I was gonna say.

Was it good for you?

I truly, madly, incandescently loathe house music, however many danceable tracks I was presented with this week--so yes, this drew an eyeroll. HOWEVAH! There's a unanimous verdict of OMG DUDE YR MAD SKILLS R ELEET for this guy, a crucial distinction that, on its own, made the whole stunt completely worth it.

Janie, I'm glad I don't know just how close you came to murdering us both this week, but fantastic work from you as ever. You are the goddamn sweetest girl I've never met (see what I did there?).

'Box, I literally (what with, y'know, losing all my music the week before the contest and all) could not have pulled this off without you. We can't win 'em all, but we can die evangelizing, can't we? There's virtue in complexity not for complexity's sake, and to hell with the hatters.

PB, I....I wish I hadn't been drinking when we made our little side bet, because now I can't remember the exact terms. But you won, fair and square. Let'sneverfightagain.

ALL THAT YOU LOVE WILL BE CARRIED AWAY

Think I can't possibly be so lazy as to go an entire week just posting links to other stuff I worked on? Think again, lawya, this is the blogosphere (and if it's not patently obvious right now, I'm having a bitch of a time trying to juggle all this):

• Swing away, Merrill.
• The final countdown.
• An early morning Laff Riot, writ large and geniusy by Swindle.

Move along...nothing to see here...

The cage match (now with 80% more makeup sex!) soldiers on today, and the Ladies buy the next round. (Cousin J-Money and I did not consult one another before constructing cocktails that both contained grain alcohol and meth. Great minds.)

Today in Not Here:

Men in Suit! and Oh, Honey, No.

And if you think I'm a brat, you've got company.

Well, we're in it now.

Also Resolved: That PB (now he's a philosophizer) is going down like a sweet muffin. Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.*

Yes, it's time to settle this in the octagon over at Lucia Jane's. I'll be there all week.

Internets butterfly kisses to Big Daddy Jesse/DJ Flannel Boy, shaper of seven-eighths of my musical taste since the ninth grade. Could not have pulled this off without you, 'Box.**

*it is seven in the goddamn morning and I will use as many Dodgeball lines as I see fit DON'T YOU EVER JUDGE ME

**All joking aside, I cracked precisely one (1) smile today, and it was at this.

Laff Riot: Son of Summer Reruns

Still pulling from 2004 until I have anything better to work from. Drink up.

Livvy (19:26:31): i can't stop quoting shakespeare. i've become That Girl in the english department who wears a fez and a long skirt made of clumps of grass who quotes Steinbeck when she opens a door.
Livvy (19:27:18): are you writhing?
Nastinchka (19:27:23): Lil bit

DNS funny:
Nastinchka (17:53:58): WHY CAN I NOT SEE MY OWN WEBSITE
'Bus (17:54:47): Heh
Nastinchka (17:55:07): BE SURE TO TELL IT HELLO FOR ME.
'Bus (17:55:07): Would you like me to read it for you? I'll let it know if it changes. ;-)
Nastinchka (17:55:19): SINCE WE WON'T BE SEEING EACH OTHER, ME AND THE WEBSITE

No, but it's not supposed to be funny. And they're supposed to be umlauts:
Livvy (14:53:15): Ich hatte einen Traum ?ber unsere neue Condo und ?ber Leute wir nicht leben (das kristina, der feather-in-hat) das Versuchen, in es zu brechen
Nastinchka (14:53:28): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (14:54:24): Wir sollen unsere Deutsch mehr sprechen.
Nastinchka (14:54:29): For practice.
Nastinchka (14:54:52): Cause I totally spaced on 'brechen' for, like, 30 seconds.
Livvy (14:55:33): Du bist so nach rechts. Miteinander sprechen auf Deutsch ist wie das Unterhalten im Code. Ich kann Stewart gerade h?ren: "WHAT DIE H?LLE SIND SIE SAGEND! SPRECHEN SIE ENGLISCH! BIN Ich GERADE Ein WITZ ZU YOU?!"
Nastinchka (14:56:06): Das fuer mich ist das Besten Part.
Nastinchka (14:56:41): Wir sollen really make a point of doing this more.
Nastinchka (14:57:05): ALso? Stew wurde das totallisch sagen.
Livvy (14:57:35): Wenn wir Deutsches miteinander vor das Stew sprechen, sollten wir erkl?ren ihm, da? it's eine andere Sprache wie Portugese und dann er versuchen w?rden, Portugese zu erlernen, um uns zu verstehen. TOTALLISCH.
Nastinchka (14:57:48): Was die HOLLE...hahaha....How are you getting the umlauts?
Nastinchka (14:58:10): lol.........totallisch.
Livvy (14:58:45): My keyboard lets me do them by holding down shift and pressing the letter I want it over three times.
Livvy (14:58:56): Holly, was die HOLLE.
Livvy (14:59:19): that's our new thing

Spawn (16:43:15): 5 AP tests, SciOly nationals, finals, English paper and Major Author and with all the stress I managed to GAIN NINE POUNDS.
Nastinchka (16:45:24): Dancing like a whore will be a good way to work that off.
Spawn (16:45:37): That is an excellent point.
Nastinchka (16:45:41): Yes.
Nastinchka (16:47:09): I broke up with my boyfriend, then found out he cheated on me, I'm getting four teeth ripped out, my best friend and I aren't speaking, and I have no future in the arts. But By God, it's all going away, and the gyrating is what's going to make it go.

Livvy (00:49:54): I'm worried about The Stewart, though. It's so congenially dumb.
Livvy (00:50:19): He's the kind of guy who would be lured into the back of a van by the promise of a trained unicorn with lollipops for hooves.

Nastinchka (16:50:20): It'd be like the 4th of July! Only inside!
Caesar (16:50:27): god
Caesar (16:50:34): my side hurt now
Nastinchka (16:50:43): Good. I'm doing my job.
Caesar (16:50:59): at least i'm not in the er this time...*glare*
Nastinchka (16:51:23): *blush*...My will was not my own.

Nastinchka (16:08:06): Of course, if I threw away my friends, dignity, and reputation for a relationship with a crater-faced, lateral-lisping, no-talent hack and he dumped me for a lesbian, I might be crying too.
Livvy (16:09:43): holly, let's do away with the hypothetical shams. you and i both know you've done this before.

Spawn (02:21:47): At some point, someone's going to have to tell me at least the general idea of what's going on.
Spawn (02:22:26): Or else I won't know what the warning signs of Nuclear Hollycaust will be.

Feezle (17:04:59): there is a god
Feezle (17:05:08): and he likes very small cakes

Livvy (15:25:37): if you come to the concert i want you to sit in the front row so i can see your face as i struggle to maintain composure while the alto bitches around me fail miserably to maintain rhythm. they really suck.
Livvy (15:26:11): its shameful.
Nastinchka (15:26:24): I would imagine so.
Livvy (15:26:50): i am embarrased by the fact that i have to participate in this. they really make me look bad.
Nastinchka (15:26:59): What do you have to wear?
Nastinchka (15:27:08): Please say it involves A Vest.
Nastinchka (15:27:17): Or A Petticoat.
Livvy (15:28:30): No, a hideous shapeless black frock that resembles what a decomposed body left in the sun might look like.
Nastinchka (15:28:39): Suppose I liven things up a bit?
Nastinchka (15:28:46): I could capture a live peacock
Nastinchka (15:28:50): And let it loose in the wings
Nastinchka (15:28:56): And it would just wander out on stage
Nastinchka (15:29:09): Wouldn't that make things better?
Livvy (15:30:24): Undoubtedly

Caesar (17:35:16): i think i'm....AHHHHHHHH
Nastinchka (17:35:20): Blind?
Caesar (17:35:22): hbdsaflkb
Caesar (17:35:24): dslagljg
Nastinchka (17:35:28): Ah. Epileptic.
Nastinchka (17:35:30): Cool.
Caesar (17:35:34): *convulses*
Nastinchka (17:35:48): Wow, you can convulse and work the shift key? Whatta woman.
Caesar (17:36:03): *bites tongue, then swallows*
Nastinchka (17:36:10): EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Nastinchka (17:36:12): sdf;lkjasdlkjf
Nastinchka (17:36:31): Quit passing along your Fits!!
Caesar (17:36:55): that what you get with exchanging fluids with me
Caesar (17:37:09): OR FOR
Caesar (17:37:14): god
Nastinchka (17:37:17): If exchanging fluids with you is wrong, then I want very much to be right.
Caesar (17:37:19): i can't type
Nastinchka (17:37:26): That's abundantly clear.

Livvy (9:20:17 PM): Do you think they'd sell me a buffalo calf if they knew i was going to keep it in, like, my apartment?
Caesar (9:22:01 PM): well, no. the aspca would hunt you down and kill you
Nastinchka (21:28:03): Like a buffalo.

'Bus (02:17:40): Read about the thermal defense.
Nastinchka (02:18:27): HOLY SHIT
Nastinchka (02:19:52): How is it that I don't possess the proper tools to accomplish this myself?
'Bus (02:20:14): God didn't bless you with the ability to bite off 30000 heads in 3 hours?
Nastinchka (02:20:36): :-( Yeah, that was kind of an oversight on His part, huh?

Nastinchka (21:47:25): Can't remember funny from last night, :-(
Nastinchka (21:47:30): At All.
Caesar (21:47:46): i can't remember anything but the not breathing
Nastinchka (21:48:19): Rarrrrrrr. should've written it down.
Caesar (21:49:11): yeah, but who could write?
Nastinchka (21:49:49): Well, Not Stewart.
Caesar (21:49:55): so true

Nastinchka (13:30:56): I'm bored with this Being In Bed.
Livvy (13:32:19): As am I. Put on a mask of my face (I know you have several) and go to class for me.

Feezle (01:52:49): i've finally managed to identify the tromping sound that'
Feezle (01:53:02): s been coming from upstairs since i've moved in
Feezle (01:53:19): let's just say that i think they're running a brothel
Feezle (01:53:33): or a jazzercise studio
Feezle (01:54:17): but today it was timed to "ride of the valkyeries"
Feezle (01:55:24): "thrust da da thrust da thrust da da thrust da thrust da da THRUST da thrust da da thrust" and repeat

Re the news coverage of the President falling off his bike:
'Bus (14:23:48): What fucking deification.
'Bus (14:24:32): "He's so tough he out-rides the Secret Service."
"His bike only cost 3k and Kerry's 8k. That means he must be a man of the people."

Livvy (14:59:49): Google War: Fran Drescher vs. Roseanne
Nastinchka (15:00:26): Try roseanne vs. rapists. Do you have a rapists link on tha tgoogle war? WHY IS THAT "RELATED"??
Livvy (15:00:33): HAHAHAHAHA
Nastinchka (15:02:13): http://www.googlewar.com/search.cfm?q1=Roseanne&q2=rapists&noadd=1
Nastinchka (15:03:05): http://www.googlewar.com/search.cfm?q1=my+foot&q2=your+ass
Livvy (15:03:07): The only thing that beats Roseanne is apocalypse.

'Bus (06:21:53): Are you sleeping?
'Bus (06:22:13): Who shall entertain me while I feed?
Nastinchka (06:23:03): Not yet.
Nastinchka (06:23:19): *with weak smile, produces dancing monkey*
'Bus (06:23:33): Lol
Nastinchka (06:23:35): *and tiny pair of cymbals*

Caesar: so now you want a DEAD one?
Livvy: If no one loves me enough to buy me a 600 dollar buffalo calf that i can raise as my own child and name "Bettina", then yes, I'll settle for a fur I can cuddle in and reminisce about the majestic buffalo.
Nastinchka (21:18:50): You're an example to us all.
Livvy (21:19:02): I know.
Livvy (21:21:34): if i buy a buffalo hoof wind chime will you let me hang it on our balcony
Nastinchka (21:31:15): NO.
Livvy (21:31:34): Caesar doesn't understand the majestic legacy of the buffalo.
Livvy (21:31:49): If I buy a 350 dollar buffalo head, can I hang it in MY room?
Nastinchka (21:31:54): He's a cowboy. He'll learn.
Nastinchka (21:31:57): ......yes?
Livvy (21:32:02): And call it O'Malley, and ask it for advice?
Nastinchka (21:32:20): Ok, now we're treading into danger.
Livvy (21:33:06): You can trust him.
Nastinchka (21:33:15): CORE BREACH IMMINENT
Livvy (21:33:55): You know, O'Malley said you'd be jealous.
Nastinchka (21:34:08): I can trust....the buffalo head?
Livvy (21:34:10): I'm writhing right now by the way
Livvy (21:34:43): yes.
Nastinchka (21:35:15): .....i'm frightenend.
Livvy (21:35:17): i t hink i'm just going to get the buffalo pillow.
Nastinchka (21:35:28): Good! This is a good choice.
Livvy (21:35:48): but i am still going to call the pillow o'malley and ask it for advice
Nastinchka (21:36:08): .....I can't believe how sane that sounds.

*

I don't think it's empirically possible for me to have less of an opinion about Bonds and the record, but I do like it when these guys knock another one out of the park.

Postcards from Momma, Part The Third

Thirty days, y'all.

iLike

Per that exchange the other day--one of our engineers put together this summation of every third conversation at work the last three weeks--a note-perfect expression of the iPhone experience.

half-assed excuse to make fun of Brady Quinn, again

Not that we've ever needed much of an excuse before, and not that we need much of one now, but tsk, tsk, son, did you SEE the draft? Allow Livvy to retort:

My thoughts on Brady Q can be summed up in this excerpt from beautyden.com's Dating Strategies 101.

"In any dating situation, no matter how old or new, playing a little bit hard to get can often increase the excitement and the level of desire in a relationship. Give your new love interest enough to keep him or her wanting more, but always preserve a little mystery about you. Express your interest in your new guy or doll, but be careful not to throw yourself at him or her. Make time to see each other, but not every day. Make plans to get together, but let some time lapse from your last date to the actual planning of your next one. Finally, don't let yourself be too available. Nothing is wrong with answering the phone on the first ring, but don't sit around waiting for it."

just push play

I have no adjectives for this.

It's right here, Ray. It's looking at me.

little help here

Am digging the hell out of the new toy, but VersaMail just defies me, over and over, and I'm also looking for a good accessories site (that's not the Palm site itself (as in, someplace where I can find something like this)). Anyone got a lead on resources for either?

Livvy, have you been ghostwriting again?

Seriously, this is uncanny.