Snarkastic

A POLL 65 MILLION YEARS IN THE MAKING: NCAA WEEK 6

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Dr. Alan Grant NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 5 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of trick plays involving cunningly disguised cryogenic chambers inside generic shaving cream cans. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include both T. Rexes, the Velociraptor delegation, B.D. Wong, Samuel L. Jackson, two of the most irritating children on the planet, Ambiguously Accented But Sexy Big Game Hunters, And Coach That One Dinosaur That Could Spit Acid Into Your Eyes, You Know, That One That Got Newman.

These teams were so preoccupied with whether or not they could, they didn't stop to think if they should! Don't move...their defensive acuity is based on movement.

ME: What the hell do you think you're doing?!
[College Football Gods straighten up, looking surprised, and crack open a bottle of champagne]
ME: Hey!! I was saving that!!
COLLEGE FOOTBALL GODS: For today. I guarantee you.

The lack of humility before nature that's being displayed here, uh...staggers me. Half---HALF---of the Top 10 lost this weekend. While this was completely awesome and I fully rooted for all of those upsets (except Texas, and that was just out of repaying Holly's admirable loyalty in rooting for Colorado), it is also unnatural and a perversion of the universe, making the construction of a new Top 10 markedly harder than it has been in the previous weeks. Now, I know some of you might be upset by what you read below, but before you start cutting yourselves, remember this: if your team is no longer in the Top 10, they have no one to blame but themselves. The Top 10 is for good teams, and for Cal. For now. Remind me to thank Urban Meyer for a lovely weekend.

1. COLORADO
JOHN HAMMOND SAYS:...Just kidding. But c'mon folks, FREAKING COLORADO. The world is changing so fast, and we're all running to catch up. I don't want to jump to any conclusions, but look. Buffaloes and Sooners... two species separated by 65 million years of evolution, have suddenly been thrown into the mix together. How can we possibly have the slightest idea of what to expect? The Buffs stampeded through my heart today. This has to be the first recorded incident of Buffaloes fighting back against the cruel hand of American tyranny in at least four hundred years. And I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. OR DRUNKER. Also, I claim full credit for this victory, because this morning I found a buffalo poster in my room and put it on my door surrounded by a border of rose wallpaper, and look what happened. Now on to the real Top 10?

1. MARYLAND
JOHN HAMMOND SAYS: ...Still kidding. Boy, do I hate being right all the time! FEAR THE TURTLE!

TERP OFFENSIVE LINE: He left us! He left us! Jordan Steffy left us!
CHRIS TURNER: [Fiercely] But that's not what I'm gonna do.

I would like to take this opportunity to say I Told You So. The Mighty Terrapins managed to pull off an upset of the number 10 team in the country, away, with their third-string quarterback, by 10 points. FEAR. THE. TURTLE. Top 10, For Rills This Time:

1. LSU
HAMMOND SAYS: Les Miles has made living biological attractions so astounding that they'll capture the imagination of the entire planet. But don't make the mistake of thinking that a Florida loss will demoralize them or slow them down in any way. The opposite is true. If anything, your date next Saturday just got a lot more difficult. Don't get complacent now. By the way, is it just me, or is there some new NCAA rule where LSU never has to play outside the state of Louisiana? I think they've played once in Mississippi and that's it, and they're not leaving anytime soon.

2. USC
HAMMOND SAYS: They're...ah...tenacious. You have no idea. They were really lucky to escape this one. Will they be as lucky for the rest of the season? Time will tell, but I'm going with no.

3. CAL
HAMMOND SAYS:I'll tell you the problem with the offensive firepower that Cal is using here: it didn't require any discipline to attain it. They read what others had done and they took the next step. They didn't earn the knowledge for themselves, so they don't take any responsibility for it. They stood on the shoulders of geniuses to accomplish something as fast as they could and before they even knew what they had they patented it and packaged it and slapped it on a plastic lunchbox, and now they're selling it, they want to sell it! Well, I'm not buying. Oregon had that game won, and they foolishly gave it away. Cal's days in this top 10 are numbered.

4. WISCONSIN
BADGERS: I love football. I just don't... need to play well right now.
COACH BIELEMA: I'll tell you what you NEED, a good defense!!!
BADGERS: [Waving casually] We''ll be back in five or six days.
COACH BIELEMA: (Frothing at the mouth) No, you'll be back in five or six PIECES!

It's amazing how hard Wisconsin has tried to lose in the past three weeks. Even more amazing? That they've failed. And they're still here!! I'm as surprised as you are!!

5. OHIO STATE
JIM TRESSEL: [Examining scrap of uniform on field] I think this was Adam Weber.
TODD BOECKMAN: [Gingerly holding up severed leg] I think this was, too.

6. KENTUCKY
HAMMOND SAYS: If there is one thing the history of evolution has taught us it's that life will not be contained. Life breaks free, expands to new territory, and crashes through barriers, painfully, maybe even dangerously. This is exactly what is happening in Kentucky right now. Andre Woodson is too good to be true. He's pretty and he throws like a Manning (the good one). It's very exciting. Less exciting? The fact that they'll be visiting Neyland Stadium in a few weeks. [Uncontrollable weeping]

7. BC
HAMMOND SAYS: Am I implying that a group composed entirely of female animals will... win the national title? No, I'm simply saying that life, uh...finds a way. Reap the benefits of the sufferings of WFV, Rutgers, Oklahoma, Texas, and Florida. Welcome to the Top 10!

8. SOUTH CAROLINA
ANTHONY DIXON: We can make it if we run.
SYLVESTER CROOM: No, we can't.
DIXON: Why not?
CROOM: [Eyeing Spurrier on opposing sideline] Because we are being hunted.
DIXON: [Following his gaze] Oh God.
CROOM: It's all right.
DIXON: Like hell it is!

HAMMOND SAYS: Is anyone else almost predatorily excited about their matchup next week with Kentucky? That should be an awesome game.

9. SOUTH FLORIDA
HAMMOND SAYS: Remember that chap about twenty years ago? I forget his name. Climbed Everest without any oxygen, played a seemingly invincible Mountaineer team, came down nearly dead. When they asked him, they said why did you go up there to die? He said I didn't, I went up there to live.

10. OKLAHOMA
ME: I don't blame people for their mistakes, but I do ask that they pay for them.
OKLAHOMA: [Snidely, sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.

HAMMOND SAYS: Some things are unknowable. And yeah, it is weird that we are living in a world where the number three team can lose to an unranked team and stay in the top 10, but what the hell else am I suppose to do when HALF THE TOP 10 LOSES? IF YOU THINK YOU CAN DO BETTER, YOU DO IT!! [Uncontrollable weeping and pill-popping] I can't justify putting Florida in this spot, because Colorado is better than Auburn, even though they're both unranked, and also because I think Oklahoma has a better chance of actually staying in the Top 10, given that they play Texas next week while Florida travels to Death Valley. Oh, also, I don't like the Gators.

Miscellany

AUBURN-FLORIDA...
Try to imagine yourself in The Swamp. You get your first look at this "six foot turkey", Brandon Cox, as you enter a clearing. He moves like a bird, lightly, bobbing his head. And you keep still because you think that maybe his visual acuity is based on movement like T-Vol, he'll lose you if you don't move. But no, not Velocitiger. You stare at him, and he just stares right back. And that's when the attack comes. Not from the front, but from the side, from the other two Tigers you didn't even know were there. Because Velocitiger's a pack hunter, you see, he uses coordinated attack patterns and he is out in force today. And he slashes at you with this... a six-inch retractable claw, like a razor, on the the middle toe. He doesn't bother to bite your jugular like a lion, say... no no. He slashes at you here... or here... or maybe across the belly, spilling your intestines. The point is... you are alive when they start to eat you. So you know...try to show a little respect.

BRANDON COX...

Clever girl.

NOTRE DAME...
CHARLIE WEIS: You know the first attraction I ever built when I came down south from Scotland? Was a Flea Circus, Petticoat Lane. Really quite wonderful. We had a wee trapeze, a roundabout - - a merry-go - - what you call it? A carousel - - and a seesaw. They all moved, motorized of course, but people would swear they could see the fleas. "I see the fleas, mummy! Can't you see the fleas?" Clown fleas, high wire fleas, fleas on parade... But with Notre Dame, I - - I wanted to give them something real, something that wasn't an illusion, something they could see and touch. An aim devoid of merit.

ALABAMA-FSU...
ALABAMA ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT: [Slowly, sadly] I spared no expense.

TEXAS...
Now hold on, this is not some species that was obliterated by Oklahoma, or another top 10 team. The Longhorns, uh, had their shot, and nature selected them for extinction!

THE STATE OF MISSISSIPPI
SYLVESTER CROOM: It looks like we're out of a job.
ED ORGERON: Don't you mean extinct?

Saturday Slothing Sched

Not the intriguingest of days. A marked lack of nationally televised SEC games. We're on a bye week, and three of the games I'm most concerned about are running at the same time on ABC. Whither, GamePlan?

Cheering interests in bold:

Notre Dame @ Purdue*
Oklahoma @ Colorado
Cal @ Oregon**
Kansas State @ Texas
Maryland @ Rutgers
Florida State & Alabama
USC @ Washington
Auburn @ Florida***

Cool Kids' Table: Week 3

Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression: Week 3

A Civilization Gone With the Shank
Written by JMW
Illustrated by HRA

Although I loves me some NFL football, I rarely write about it when given the option to focus on its infinitely superior counterpart, college football. When Holly told me she was finally going to fulfill her commitment to write a Gone With The Wind sestina [tune in tomorrow... --H.] to accompany Jesse's incomparable Star Wars sestina and my own less illustrious [not true. --H.] Lord Of The Rings sestina, I was commanded inspired to write a companion piece. Please enjoy.

NFL PICKS, WEEK FOUR: GONE WITH THE SHANK
(LIMITED COLLECTOR'S EDITION)

BYE WEEK TEAMS

TENNESSEE: With a mobile quarterback, you can do without a reputation.

NEW ORLEANS: As God is my witness, as God is my witness they're not going to lick us. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be 0-3 again. No, nor any of my folk. If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, Drew Brees will never be 0-3 again!

WASHINGTON: For as long as I can remember, I have been a fan of two NFL teams: the Baltinapolis Colts and the Washington Redskins. Also for as long as I can remember, being a fan of the Redskins has been a lot like this:

FAN BASE: All I know is that I love you!
REDSKINS: [Coldly] That is your misfortune.

JACKSONVILLE: Undeserving of a quotation.

PICKS

HOUSTON vs. ATLANTA
JOE HORN: [Excitedly, through tears] At-LAN-ta!
DREW BREES: [Concernedly] New Orleans would be better for ya. You just get in trouble in Atlanta.
JOE HORN: What trouble are you talking about?
DREW BREES: YOU know what trouble I's talkin' 'bout. Mr. Vick be comin' to Atlanta when he gets his leave, and you settin' there waitin' for him, just like a spider.
JOE HORN: You go pack my things like Sean Payton said!

I can't wait for Michael Vick to come back and throw passes to Joe Horn. Until that magical day arrives, though, we are living in a parallel universe where the Texans are somehow a good team and the Falcons are 0-3 (well, that part isn't so weird). Joe Horn thought he was going there to be with Vick, but instead he ended up living with mealy-mouthed Joey Harrington, right in Vick's own house! Horn should have listened to his quarterback. Atlanta burns...again. TEXANS over Falcons.

NEW YORK JETS vs. BUFFALO
JETS FAN BASE: Oh, Rhett...that old thing?
MANGINI: [Pointing emphatically at Chad Pennington] Although he's not much of a horse, he is ours, and I went through a great deal of effort to secure him.

Chad Pennington went to my high school. I love Chad Pennington. I think he has been hampered by injuries that should have been presented by his offensive line, and has done the best he can as a result. It ain't fittin'...it ain't fittin'...it just ain't fittin'. I am really hoping that the Jets can get a win over an 0-3 Buffalo team, but at some point, the Bills are going to have to win. I'm taking the Jets anyway, out of sheer loyalty. JETS over Bills.

BALTIMORE vs. CLEVELAND
Steve McNair can shoot straight, if he doesn't have to shoot too far. He also has several excellent targets and a solid RB to turn to. Baltimore's defense should be able to hold against Derek Anderson, and Ray Lewis might make Brady Quinn go wee-wee in his pants if he sees any action. RAVENS over Browns.

ST. LOUIS vs. DALLAS
Let's see. The Rams, who are 0-3, or the Cowboys, who are 3-0. I know you can't pick based solely on a record, but look at the facts. Terrell Owens seems to temporarily have his shit together, and until his inevitably spectacular Week 7 meltdown, I'm not picking an upset against the boys in blue. T.O. is going to St. Louis for his $300, and he has to go looking like a queen, even though he's not worth $300 and will never bring anything but misery to any man. COWBOYS over Rams.

CHICAGO vs. DETROIT
LOVIE SMITH: Look, Rex. Here's a fool-proof game plan for you!
REX GROSSMAN: [Stubbornly] You can take it all back to the locker room; I won't even look at it!
LOVIE SMITH: Yes'm you is, you's gonna throw every complete pass on this clipboard!
REX GROSSMAN: No...I'm...NOT.

LET'S go LI-ons! [Clap, clap, clap clap clap] Is there anything more heartwarming and satisfying in professional football right now than watching Rex Grossman go up in flames like the Atlanta storehouses? He's about one week away from turning into the last fifteen minutes of Ace Ventura, Pet Detective. I'm pulling for Detroit, but I think Rex will be killed by his own men at halftime, and with another quarterback (even troglodyte Brian Griese) they might win the game. BEARS over Lions.

OAKLAND vs. MIAMI
No, I don't think I will pick you, Oakland, although you need picking, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be picked and often, and by someone who knows how. However, the law of averages dictates that eventually, Miami will probably win a game. I think it might be this one. (In all honesty, I think the Raiders win this, but that doesn't fit with the quotation I chose.) DOLPHINS over Raiders.

GREEN BAY vs. MINNESOTA
BRETT FAVRE: What do we care if we *did* have awful seasons for the past few years, Scarlett? Our Super Bowl campaign is gonna start any day now, so we'd have left that all behind anyhow.
DONALD DRIVER: Oh, isn't it exciting, Scarlett? You know those fools in the AFC may actually *want* to play us in the Super Bowl!
BRETT FAVRE: We'll show 'em! [Placing cheese hat excitedly on head, emitting Rebel Yell]
SCARLETT: Fiddle-dee-dee. Super Bowl, Super Bowl, Super Bowl; this Super Bowl talk's spoiling all the fun at every party this fall! I get so bored I could scream. Besides...there isn't going to be any Super Bowl.
BRETT FAVRE: Not going to be any Super Bowl?
DONALD DRIVER: Why, honey, of course there's gonna be a Super Bowl!
SCARLETT: If either of you boys says "Super Bowl" just once again, I'll go into the house and slam the door.
BRETT FAVRE: But Scarlett...
DONALD DRIVER: Don't you *want* us to have a Super Bowl?
[Scarlett rises and walks to the door, pauses, then relents to their protestations]
SCARLETT: Well...but remember, I warned you.

VIKINGS over Packers.

SEATTLE vs, SAN FRANCISCO
MATT HASSELBECK: [Looking around frantically, twisting hands] Lawsy, we got to have a healthy running back. I don't know nothin' 'bout' makin' no plays!

Don't worry, Matt. I have a feeling that even you can make the magic happen against an inconsistent San Francisco defense. SEAHAWKS over Niners for first place in the NFC West.

TAMPA BAY vs. CAROLINA
I've always thought a good lashing with a buggy whip would benefit the Panthers immensely. If there is a bigger surprise than Joey Galloway's totally unforeseen comeback from mediocrity this season, it is Carolina's failure to live up to expectations at defense. Every year, they are supposed to be the defense to stop, and every year, they aren't. Joey Galloway Tru Luv 4evr. BUCS over Panthers.

DENVER vs. INDIANAPOLIS
HOLLY: [staring wistfully into distant space] Home. I'll go home. And I'll think of some way to get Brandon Stokley back. After all...tomorrow is another day. [Music swells in tragic inspiration]

We don't pick against the Colts. Ever. COLTS over Broncos.

PITTSBURGH vs. ARIZONA
Attention, Matt Leinart: a cat's a better quarterback than you. Have fun in Pennsylvania! I hear the Liberty Bell is really cool, if you can make the trip up to Philly to see that. STEELERS over Cardinals.

KANSAS CITY vs. SAN DIEGO
You still think you're the Belle of the county, don't you, LaDainian? That you're the cutest little trick in shoe leather and that every GM you meet is dying of love for you. I hate to break this to you, but you need to start performing, as it is becoming increasingly obvious that San Diego can only depend on Philip Rivers for so long. Playing the Chiefs should help you in this endeavor. CHARGERS over Chiefs.

PHILADELPHIA vs. NEW YORK GIANTS
TEENAGE GIRL: Mr. Manning! Mr. Manning! Will you sign my chest?
ELI: [Smiling in happy disbelief] Sure, of course I...
TEENAGE GIRL: Thanks, Peyton!
ELI: [Grabbing her face] Observe my hands, my dear. I could tear you to pieces with them. And I'd do it if it'd take Peyton out of your mind forever. But it wouldn't. So I'll remove him from your mind this way: I'll put my hands so, one on each side of your head, and I'll smash your skull between them like a walnut. And that'll block him out.
TEENAGE GIRL: No...Archie, I'm sorry...
[Eli crushes her skull, then looks around fearfully and removes a cell phone from his pocket and dials]
ELI: Jeremy, can you come get me? It...it happened again.

Our love for Shockey aside, I can't get past my fear of that guy who quarterbacks the Giants. Dreams, dreams, always dreams with you, Eli, never common sense. Tip for this weekend: The ball goes to the guy in the red, white, and blue, NOT the guy in the Eurotrash uniform! STAY ON TARGET. EAGLES over Giants.

NEW ENGLAND vs. CINCINNATI
Cincinnati prayed while onward surged the triumphant Patriots...heads were high, but hearts were heavy as the wounded and the refugees poured into unhappy Ohio. And the wind swept through...

BRADY!

PATRIOTS over Bengals, although I think Palmer should merit his inclusion on my fantasy team in the process. Sell you south I will, Carson Palmer. Swear I will.

drunk post to be deleted in mortification at dawn.

All right, if I hadn't come home off four straight hours of drinking and arguing color theory at a work function, I might have gotten around to the actual source of my despair, which is this:

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia apparently just began a new season.

I'm not here to argue the merits of the show (because there are none, and no rational being should entertain statements to the contrary), but if that rancid smugfest is good for anything besides conclusively disproving the existence of a benevolent god, it's this: Anyone can have a hit television show. Why not us?

I didn't mean to suggest for a second that I hate it out here. L.A.'s been good to me. There's no adjective for how lucky I've been from the moment I crossed the city limits.

Here's the thing, though. I've gotten about as far as I can on my own. I've been living solo for going on thirteen months after existing as a piece of a hive mind for two years. And that's fine for work, and that's fine for writing (mostly), but now I have all these pretty words strung together and I can't read what's on these papers scattered all over the loft; it doesn't work like that. So would the eight of you left, and you know who you are, please get your sweet asses out here, stat? I can't do this last part by myself. This story needs a cast, and you're the only cast I'll ever want.

Game Over, Man: NCAA Week 5

I am proud to present Livia's First Annual Alien NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 4 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of terrible alien beasts that destroy all human life but somehow fail to capture and kill a feisty tabby cat. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include all members of the Alien Race, Ripley, Clones of Ripley, Sigourney Weaver's Escalating Paychecks, Cunningly Disguised Robots With Milk For Blood, And Coach Chest Burster From Spaceballs That Sings Ragtime Gal.

Get away from the end zone, you bitch!

1. LSU
JOHN HURT SAYS: You still don't understand what you're dealing with, do you? Perfect organism. Its structural perfection is matched only by its hostility. I admire its purity. A survivor... unclouded by conscience, remorse, or delusions of morality. I can't lie to you about your chances, but... you have my sympathies.
Preview of Tulane head coach Bob Toledo's pregame speech next Saturday: "Gentlemen? It is my job to keep you alive on this expedition, and I need your help to do that. Since I don't have the time to properly train you, I'm laying down three simple rules. One. No one goes anywhere alone, ever. Two. Everyone must maintain constant communication. Three. Unexpected things are gonna happen. When they do, no one tries to be a hero. Understood?"

2. OKLAHOMA
JOHN HURT SAYS: All right, sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed? Another glorious day in Oklahoma! A day in Oklahoma is like a day on the farm. Every meal's a banquet! Every paycheck a fortune! Every possession a touchdown! Every formation a parade! I LOVE the Sooners! I will be rooting for the Majestic Buffs next weekend, but I understand that this is an exercise in futility, and that the Buffs will be symbolically driven over the cliffs of Oklahoma's superior offensive execution.

3. USC
JOHN HURT SAYS: You're all gonna die. The only question is how you check out. Do you want it on your feet? Or on your fuckin' knees... begging? I ain't much for begging! Nobody ever gave me nothing! So I say *fuck* that schedule! Let's fight it!

4. WEST VIRGINIA
JOHN HURT SAYS: You're a team and there's nothin' to worry about. You come here, and you gonna conquer, and you gonna kick some, is that understood? That's what you gonna do, you are going to go and get some. All right, people, on the ready line! Are ya lean? Are ya mean? WHAT ARE YOU? MOUNTAINEERS! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven! Aaaarrr, absolutely badasses! Get in there!

5. WISCONSIN
JOHN HURT SAYS: This is a top ten program, and you have no offensive weapons of any kind against IOWA? They had some decent third-down conversions, some nice screen passes scattered about the place, nothing terribly formidable. That's all? Apparently, Wisconsin is on the honor system, and if that's true, they are fucked. This is the second disturbing game in a row for the Badgers, and they need to get their heads together if they want to stay here.

6. FLORIDA
JOHN HURT SAYS: The Gators played like they were all in strung out shape. They need to stay frosty and alert. They can't afford to let one of those SEC bastards in here. It is so weird that we are living in a world where Kentucky and South Carolina actually stand a chance against the Gators [and Tennessee...*gulp* --ed.]. By "weird", what I mean is "awesome".

7. TEXAS
JOHN HURT SAYS:
MACK BROWN: (Texas vs. Oklahoma, halftime, two week from now) All right. The fucking thing is loose. It's out there. The rescue team is on its way with guns and shit. Right now there isn't any place that's real safe. But we stay here, in our locker room. This place never had any fucking air conditioning. If they come in it's gotta be through one of these doors. Now we post a guard to let us know if it's coming.(Gesturing towards Colt McCoy) In the meantime, you lay low, be ready and stay right... in case your time comes.
MCCOY (weeping): Don't you start bullshitting, Coach. We're gonna be trapped in here like rats.
BROWN: (Screaming, spittle flying) You got an offensive weapon!? You got a trick play?! Then you take it out and you fucking use it!

8. CAL
JOHN HURT SAYS: You need to consider the possibility that you might not make it out of here.

9. RUTGERS
JOHN HURT SAYS: They mostly come at night...mostly.

10. OHIO STATE
JOHN HURT SAYS:
JIM TRESSEL: Hey, I sure wouldn't mind getting some more of that Northwestern poontang! Remember that time?
LAURINAITIS: Yeah, Coach, but the one you had was MALE.
JIM TRESSEL: It doesn't matter when it's Northwestern, baby!

MISCELLANY:

LOUISVILLE-SYRACUSE...
BRIAN BROHM'S HESIMAN CAMPAIGN: (Moaning softly) Kiiiilll...meeeee....KIIIIILL....MEEEEEEE.....

ARKANSAS-KENTUCKY....
RICH BROOKS: [the Wildcats are still reluctant to take on the Razorbacks before the rescue teams arrives] Right, okay, defense, just sit here on your asses. Fine. No problem. You're the guys that've made a deal with God to live forever, huh? And all the rest of you offensive pussies can sit it out too. [Referring to Andre Woodson] Me and him'll do all the fighting.

MARYLAND....
Why? Why are the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain? There aren't any promises. Nothing certain. Only that some get called, some get saved. They won't ever know the hardship and grief for those of us left behind. We commit these bodies to the void with a glad heart. For within each seed, there is a promise of a flower, and within each death, no matter how small, there is always a new life. A new beginning. A new chance of upsetting Rutgers or Boston College and ruining their seasons. Amen.

ALABAMA-GEORGIA....
For me, the highlight of this game was when Georgia inexplicably missed that last-tick field goal, even though their kicker is apparently some kind of infallible genius, and they cut to the Alabama student section, where a man wearing nothing but red body paint raised his arms to the heavens, smiling lovingly. It could not have been clearer that this man, and his disturbingly fervent ilk, believed that the ghost of Bear Bryant had floated down between the goal posts and gently puffed his divine breath to blow the spinning football slightly off course. Although I rooted for Bama in this game because I wanted Georgia to become a 2-loss SEC team, thus effectively demoralizing their fans and neutralizing them for the remainder of the season, I won't pretend it wasn't hilarious to see the fans glaring at Saban like he had just stabbed them in their collective liver.

TENNESSEE-ARKANSAS STATE....
Remember, Tennessee: short, controlled bursts. That's how you should play. After last week's hideous loss to Florida, I noticed that several Tennessee football players updated their Facebook profiles with songs they were listening to. The top three? "I Need Love", "Teach Me", and "Can't Tell Me Nothin". I feel like this sums up where we are in our season more eloquently than I ever could.

OKLAHOMA STATE'S COACH....
This is Rumor Control. Here are the facts!

AUBURN.....
They seem to have elected to follow the SEC role traditionally occupied by Alabama or Mississippi State: lose convincingly early in the season, have your fans turn against you, and then secretly recover just enough to ruin the season [i.e. "burst from the chest" --ed.] of a superior team in the conference.

I'm just saying. Someone might need to watch out for them in October or November.

Laff Riot 46: In Which My Mom Knows iChat.

10:23:40 AM Momma: remind me to tell you about the day recently when I approached a classroom and was bowled over by the crying teacher bursting out of the room; upon entering the room saw the principal and our special ed behavior dude (trying to put all the lids back on the wildly simmering pots) , who by way of explanation turned to me and said, "this is what happens when you try to put lipstick on a Jedi master."

7:43:44 PM Nastinchka: New Laff Riot Monday.
7:43:52 PM 'Box: by the way, the freewheelin' use of the word "motherfucker" is so, oddly refreshing
7:44:02 PM 'Box: I mean, at first glance it seems nothing new, but it feels new
7:44:10 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, it was Internets Radio did that to me.
7:44:14 PM 'Box: you make "motherfucker" feel new and cozy to me
7:44:22 PM 'Box: this week, on Laff Riot

3:20:46 PM GoldfishCowboy: take note: eday just poured a gallon of water on me for no clear reason other than his uk ul nerves. retribution to follow.
3:21:19 PM Nastinchka: Does he not understand what we're dealing with here? Fuck his 56-64 shootout.
3:21:33 PM Nastinchka: ( I didn't mean that. I love eDay. Though not Kentucky.)
3:21:34 PM GoldfishCowboy: there's no explaining this
3:21:43 PM Nastinchka: (I may have meant it a little bit.)

11:12:09 AM 'Box: Oh. Gee. Guess what song they're using in the Iron Man trailer
11:12:19 AM Nastinchka: ....no.
11:12:26 AM 'Box: yep
11:12:27 AM Nastinchka: They are not.
11:12:33 AM Nastinchka: FATHER OF LIES.
11:12:35 AM 'Box: Robert Downey seems pretty cool, but bad form, studio. bad form
11:13:49 AM 'Box: way to vocoder the hell out of Robert Downey Jr's voice, skanks
11:13:56 AM 'Box: (at the end of the trailer)
11:14:00 AM Nastinchka: That should be in fine print at the top of the one-sheet.
11:14:34 AM 'Box: attribute the blurb to -Jesse Williams at The Critical Foundations of Suck My.....
11:14:41 AM 'Box: errr. foundation
11:14:53 AM 'Box: course, I could have set up multiple foundations for that, in theory
11:14:57 AM Nastinchka: Suck your foundation?
11:15:27 AM 'Box: Well...No.

5:08:20 PM Livia: i have a statistic that may interest you.
5:08:33 PM Nastinchka: Is this about FLorida?
5:08:55 PM Livia: I share a birthday with Ladainian Tomlinson....
5:08:57 PM Livia: AND BRANDON STOKLEY
5:09:05 PM Nastinchka: MARY MOTHER OF GOD.
5:09:20 PM Nastinchka: THIS MEANS THAT I SORT OF SHARE A BIRTHDAY WITH BRANDON STOKLEY
5:09:35 PM Livia: I can't wait to hear this rationalization.
5:09:43 PM Nastinchka: (WE ARE ONE.)
5:09:53 PM Livia: Ah, yes.

11:54:42 AM 'Box: baff time
11:54:54 AM Nastinchka: babblebaff?
11:54:59 AM Nastinchka: bubbebaff?
11:55:04 AM Nastinchka: buubblebaff
11:55:06 AM 'Box: I'm sure I'll be babbling in some way
11:55:07 AM Nastinchka: BUBBLEBAFF.
11:55:20 AM 'Box: it's the beft baff for your bippy
11:55:32 AM 'Box: the bippy being largely undefined

8:18:54 PM Nastinchka: Comment on your Top 10 post: "Women that are funny and like football - I never even imagined people such as this existed. "
8:23:56 PM Livia: I'm a catch. (Technically, I'm an interception.)
8:25:06 PM Nastinchka: So what'm I, a batter getting drilled at the plate?

12:24:56 PM Jeebsy: You think Chalie Weis is calling Bill with ideas for plays and Bill is all "yeah, yeah, I gotcha Charlie, listen, bub, I gotta go..."
12:25:29 PM Nastinchka: No, I see Bel just hitting the speakerphone button and sitting there, in silcence, blowing rings from his cigar
12:25:46 PM Nastinchka: silhouetted against a picture window like a Bond villain, or the bad guy in Danger Mouse.
12:26:00 PM Nastinchka: Until Charlie just starts blubbering uncontrollably and Bill hits the button again
12:26:02 PM Nastinchka: Scene.
12:26:04 PM Nastinchka: But that's just me.
12:26:23 PM Jeebsy: harumph
12:26:31 PM Nastinchka: You asked!
12:27:01 PM Jeebsy: Well... I just threw it out there. I didn't have time to make it all cinematic and smart!
12:27:13 PM Nastinchka: And I did?
12:27:33 PM Jeebsy: No, but your brain is all fast. It's like a 2.0.
12:27:48 PM Jeebsy: Mine is from the 70's.
12:28:10 PM Nastinchka: Awww, it's vintage!
12:28:14 PM Nastinchka: Like Coleco!
12:28:38 PM Jeebsy: bloop-bloop-
12:28:43 PM Jeebsy: bleep-bloop

7:46:26 PM 'Box: who we playin' this week in footbawl?
7:46:38 PM Nastinchka: Southern Miss.
7:46:42 PM 'Box: oh. damn. of course
7:46:49 PM 'Box: I forgot it was Saturday
7:47:17 PM 'Box: wait. did we for the love of god win a fucking game?
7:47:30 PM Nastinchka: 39-19
7:47:36 PM 'Box: great, we keep the team for another week
7:47:52 PM Nastinchka: I....how do you think this works, exactly?

6:55:40 PM Nastinchka: ugh. Play with me.
6:56:20 PM PB: I'm selling furniture on Craig's List. Fun, huh?
6:56:57 PM Nastinchka: K, carry on.
6:57:04 PM PB: Almost done - one sec
6:57:12 PM Nastinchka: I'll go find a ball of yarn or a human heart.

12:40:50 PM Livia: I just ran to the grocery store
12:41:21 PM Livia: Ingles has made a dangerous mistake
12:41:31 PM Livia: They have decided to start stocking Cheerwine.
12:41:36 PM Livia: I hope they have enough.
12:42:42 PM Nastinchka: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
12:42:44 PM Nastinchka: SEND
12:42:45 PM Nastinchka: ME
12:42:45 PM Nastinchka: A
12:42:46 PM Nastinchka: CASE
12:42:51 PM Livia: I KNOW
12:42:52 PM Livia: IKNOW
12:42:55 PM Livia: I did a double take
12:43:14 PM Nastinchka: Will you bring a 12 pack to Bama?
12:43:17 PM Nastinchka: 2 12 packs?
12:43:20 PM Livia: Fuck yes.
12:43:22 PM Nastinchka: one for us to drink on the spot
12:43:25 PM Nastinchka: and one for me to take home?
12:43:27 PM Livia: I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING.
12:43:36 PM Nastinchka: I feel so alive.
12:43:58 PM Livia: It was all I could do not to go get a cart and take every case they had
12:44:09 PM Nastinchka: I can't believe it.
12:44:38 PM Livia: At first I thought maybe I was just so deprived of Cheerwine that I was actually hallucinating it
12:45:44 PM Nastinchka: Can you even transport it across state lines?
12:45:54 PM Livia: We'll find out.
12:45:55 PM Nastinchka: It's a controlled substance if it ever was one.
12:48:36 PM Livia: I'll build a mobile cheerwine lab in the back of my car
12:48:38 PM Nastinchka: Swindle says to share if you're caught.
12:51:34 PM Livia: But put Cheerwine together with my rack? I bet I could actually Taser the cop and he would still let me go with a warning.
12:51:52 PM Nastinchka: And a wink.

2:42:21 PM Nastinchka: I should never have taught Momma to IM.
2:43:18 PM Nastinchka: This after she just finished telling me about her uncle that tarred and feathered the town child molester
2:43:28 PM Nastinchka: and the time her own Momma tried to brain a baseball umpire with a coke bottle.
2:43:45 PM Nastinchka: Oh, and how she's going to make her photographs from this summer into a coffee table book called "Birds On Things".
2:43:43 PM PB: ...Do you have any of your mother in you?

12:43:47 PM Momma: Friday afternoon. Tard. Go Peyton. Foobaw.
12:43:59 PM Nastinchka: Tarded?
12:44:15 PM Momma: not 'tarded.
12:44:20 PM Momma: just tard.
12:44:24 PM Nastinchka: and feathered?
12:44:58 PM Momma: uh, no, but my uncle did that one time to this guy who was..... never mind
12:45:08 PM Nastinchka: WHAT?
12:45:10 PM Nastinchka: REALLY?
12:45:33 PM Momma: yes. isn't it wonderful to have all this in your family history?
12:45:43 PM Nastinchka: STORYTIME!
12:45:48 PM Momma: he had to actually leave the country for a while
12:46:08 PM Nastinchka: When was THIS?
12:46:24 PM Nastinchka: Wait, was this A Race Thing?
12:46:58 PM Momma: way back when. 'fore I was borned. no, not race, just simple molestation/incest.
12:47:28 PM Nastinchka: Is incest ever simple, Momma?
12:47:29 PM Nastinchka: Really?
12:47:47 PM Momma: if if doesn't involve you or your family, maybe it can be
12:47:55 PM Nastinchka: Start at the beginning.
12:48:45 PM Momma: don't know beginning. some man was MOlesting his daughter and my uncle and some other upstanding citizens (?) tarred (tared?) and feathered him, no kidding. Crazy hungarians.
12:48:53 PM Nastinchka: Tee hee!
12:48:57 PM Nastinchka: (did he die?)
12:49:01 PM Nastinchka: (does that hurt?)
12:50:19 PM Nastinchka: (being tarred, not dying)
12:50:07 PM Momma: well, i guess the tar hurts cause it's HOT and it sticks to you, and I guess it hurts to pull the feathers off. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME. The techniques reported to you were implemented by professional Hungarians. They know their stuff.
12:50:35 PM Nastinchka: Professional? I'm in the wrong line of work.
12:51:10 PM Momma: well, they didn't make any money doing it . I don't guess.
12:51:25 PM Nastinchka: You have to take life satisfaction into account.
12:51:31 PM Nastinchka: THere are intangibles at play here.
12:52:08 PM Momma: then there was the time my mama tried to break a coke bottle over a baseball umpire's head. Your grandpa allegedly restrained her, thereby saving her from the penitentiary. Of course, that happens in the best of families.

1:04:10 PM Jeebsy: did you make that UP?
1:06:11 PM Nastinchka: Um, no.
1:06:14 PM Nastinchka: She's really like this.
1:06:18 PM Nastinchka: I keep trying to tell people.
1:06:18 PM Jeebsy: wow.
1:06:29 PM Jeebsy: I believe you. I do.
1:06:39 PM Nastinchka: I come by my childlike demeanor as a grownass woman genetically.
1:07:03 PM Jeebsy: It's just that what my eyes send to my brain is often rejected the first time when I read her words.
1:07:27 PM Jeebsy: Which is cool, because then I just get to read them again.

11:15:53 AM 'Box: have you seen this trailer for Dragon Wars?
11:16:12 AM 'Box: so far, I'm pretty sure the central character is a helicopter
11:16:24 AM 'Box: 'cause Sean Connery's not in this
11:16:45 AM Nastinchka: I AM THE DRAGON.
11:16:54 AM Nastinchka: Wait, that's not the right movie either.
11:17:06 AM 'Box: the only thing that could make it better is if it were.....no. That's not a sentence God intended an end to

TC: Knock 'em dead at your interview.
PK: thanks, mi amigo
PK: i am currently meditating on "chicago playwrights" and how little i know of them
PK: i do not think this will be a factor, however
PK: in fact, given that i interned with ed for 3 months and script-read for another 2-3 years, i suspect that this interview will not much change my shot one way or the other
PK: UNLESS i vomit profusely
PK: "there is a man of passion," they'll say
PK: and also, "is this a baby EAGLE?"
TC: There is a man of passion... and much chunder.
PK: also, do you think starting the interview by saying "did you know tom stoppard is STILL writing plays?" is disarmingly charmful, or woefully ignorant?
PK: also, how about incorporating the word "charmful?"
TC: According to those in the know, the guy who became the graduate student in charge of NUMB this year "[would've had] to trip over his own dick" to not be accepted.
TC:So, I hope the same of you.
TC:Also, I think "charmnescent" is the word you're looking for.
TC:And I really like starting with that. You could also start with "Remind me again, which Rapp is the dead one?"
TC: (Let's get these out right now, so you aren't tempted tomorrow.)
PK: either that, or "so seriously, how high did you have to get martha to convince her that doing the crucible wasn't a horrible idea?"
TC: "What's a stoned John Mahoney like? I'd imagine there isn't much difference."
PK: "i noticed in looking in your production history, no christopher durang. um, have you ever READ that speech about the guy in the supermarket? we're doing that play next year. i don't give a shit what the ensemble says."
TC: "You know who I think Christopher Durang play in while..."
TC: DAMN YOU GET OUT OF MY HEAD!
TC: I'm glad that I was re-formatting that sentence when you dropped it. It makes this conversation look all the more absurd.
PK: like i stole your thoughts and left just the scraps in your sentence left intact

2:35:38 PM Nastinchka: Did you know Jesse's grandpa played ball for UT
2:35:41 PM Nastinchka: under NEYLAND?
2:35:43 PM Livia: WHAT
2:35:47 PM Nastinchka: YEAH.
2:35:53 PM Nastinchka: HE NEVER THOUGHT TO MENTION THIS.
2:37:15 PM Livia: .................
2:37:25 PM Livia: it's funny how love and hate get all mixed up like this.
2:38:00 PM Nastinchka: he's all "Did you know they called him the General"?
2:38:16 PM Livia: ...and now it's just hate.

11:48:59 AM Jeebsy: Are you going to get a new Stokley jersey, or stick with that one?
11:49:07 AM Nastinchka: I'm staying with this.
11:49:14 AM Nastinchka: I can't be naked in a Denver jersey.
11:49:17 AM Nastinchka: It doesn't feel right.
11:49:19 AM Jeebsy: I figured as much.
11:49:45 AM Jeebsy: Thank god. I don't want to live in a world where something looks good to me in a Denver jersey.
11:49:56 AM Jeebsy: *shivers*
11:50:05 AM Jeebsy: (not the good kind)
11:51:49 AM Nastinchka: I don't hate Denver.
11:52:25 AM Jeebsy: I do. IT's a Raiders thing from back in the day, compiled with a Shanahan ruining fantasy football thing.
11:52:44 AM Jeebsy: Please... don't give in to them.
11:52:59 AM Nastinchka: I loved Plummer, and he is gone.
11:53:03 AM Nastinchka: I like Jay Cutler a lot.
11:53:09 AM Nastinchka: And they have Stokley.
11:53:20 AM Nastinchka: But that's as far as it goes, I swear.
11:53:26 AM Nastinchka: We're just good friends.
11:53:31 AM Jeebsy: I can live with that.

8:55:04 PM Spawn: I am relearning linear algebra in a week
8:55:10 PM Spawn: for a class that does not require it as a prerequisite
8:55:29 PM Spawn: and instead simply supposes that everyone has the capability to learn a semester of mathematics in three class periods
8:55:30 PM Spawn: I miss mrs. albert.
8:55:45 PM Spawn: and what did you do today? I bet it was more fun.
8:55:45 PM Nastinchka: Aylor never taught me to cross-multiply and I thought I discovered it for like a month in ninth grade.

11:08:22 PM Livia: I guess I just always thought they were closer than this.
11:08:36 PM Nastinchka: I mean, even in the earliest days of the brain-meld, we would NEVER have done this
11:09:18 PM Nastinchka: Like, have we ever done an actual mean thing? To each other? EVER?
11:08:59 PM Nastinchka: Except that one time when I threw a hairbrush at your head (I think that was the worst, right?)
11:09:24 PM Nastinchka: I seriously can't think of one.
11:09:43 PM Livia: Honestly, I feel like you can't be held responsible for that, because look at the circumstances: we were about to open Beggar's Opera. It was like both of us were possessed by raging devils.
11:09:55 PM Livia: ...And technically, it hit someone else.
11:10:02 PM Nastinchka: I'm glad you think so, because it was AAAAHAHAHAHA

Chili's for Chillns

Livia asked me to pass this along. St. Jude's is about as good a cause as you'll find, so go nibble on something deep-fried, watch a little Monday Night Football, and call it a good deed:

On Monday, September 24th, Chili's restauraunts nationwide will be donating 100% of their daily profit to St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital. The special day is part of Chili's "Create-A-Pepper to Fight Childhood Cancer" campaign. During September, which is National Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, guests also have the opportunity to make a small donation to St. Jude and kids receive a coloring sheet they can decorate and have displayed in the restaurant.

And we will, we will rock you.

Tennessee plays the Arkansas State Indians tonight, a team facing an NCAA-mandated name change, because it's acceptable to wave Confederate flags on national television but not to say "Indian".

Livia: maybe they mean the Arkansas State People From The Nation Of India.
Holly: Somehow I don't think the Arkansas state Dot Not Feathers would win them any more favor.
Holly: Wait, did you hear Bob Kesling just say that AK State used to be the GORILLAS? The Ozark Silverbacks!
Livia: because if there is one thing arkansas is known for, it is the silverbacks of little rock.

We spent the first quarter of the game brewing possible replacement mascots. The list so far:

• The Arkansas State Clintons
• The Arkansas State Surreptitiously Murdered State Troopers
• The Arkansas State Get Me The Fuck Out of Arkansasers
• The Arkansas State Mobile Meth Lab Explosion
• The Arkansas State Red Ferns
• The Arkansas State Hot Springs Yes We Have Hot Springs Here Fucks
• The Arkansas State Non-Indigenous Pine Beetle Infestation
• The Arkansas State Illegal Diamond And Gemstone Mining Operation
• The Arkansas State Vine Ripe Pink Tomatoes
• The Arkansas State Allemand Lefts
• The Arkansas State Ill-Advised Mark Twain Appropriations
• The Arkansas State Negative Population Growths
• The Arkansas State Tornado Alleys
• The Arkansas State Not Quite Ready For Colleges
• The Arkansas State Brought To You By Sam Walton And the Walton Family of Products
• The Arkansas State We're Sorry For Producing John Grishams
• The Arkansas State Living Wage Strikes
• The Arkansas State Manmade Lakes of Massive Proportion
• The Arkansas State Flat Alluvials

Look Homeward, Wishbone

Cheering interests in bold:

East Carolina @ West Fuckin' Virginia
Syracuse @ Louisville*
Florida @ Mississippi**
Michigan State*** @ Notre Dame
South Carolina @ LSU****
Michigan @ Penn State*****
Texas Tech @ Oklahoma State
Maryland @ Wake Forest
Kentucky @ Arkansas
Rice @ Texas
Arkansas State @ Tennessee
Georgia @ Alabama
Washington State @ USC
Washington @ UCLA

Cool Kids' Table: Week 2

Ah, the rare "draft brilliantly then don't even bother to look at stats or waiver wires for two weeks" gambit. Well played, Holly. Well played.

That's Lizzy, Texxxy, Jeebsy, Our Heroine, OPS, RCR, Janie, Peteypants, Scorpy, and TGC, top to bottom.

Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression: Week 2

While this won't last, I am delighting in my insurmountable lead over Peck. And the fact that he's being beaten by Spawn and Joe.

Professor Plum in the Library with the Waveform Monitor

Time to bust out your thinking shoes (like fighting shoes but with a lower heel) and decoder rings, junior rangers. This happened last night, and it's been bugging me all damn day.

I had a shot cleaned up in Shake, exported into HD Quicktime, and dropped into one of my FCP timelines. Noticed stray roto shape at end of shot. It happens. Pulled shot out of timeline to check it out, and....it's perfect in Quicktime. And in Shake. Not a blip. Dropped it back into Final Cut, and there's that stupid parallelogram, mocking me. Rinse, repeat. Summoned three other editors to the desk, where we all proceeded to watch it over and over again and just be completely baffled. We re-rendered it in Shake and it's fine now, but if anyone can explain to me what happened, I will personally bake and mail you a batch of homemade gingersnaps. How the hell is something like that even possible? I'm out of ideas.

Not joking about the cookies, either. Go.

Or hell.

I left home a year ago. Like, exactly a year ago. And I realized I never really posted any pictures of that trip. Then I realized I lost them all when my laptop died. So I had this whole monologue playing out about how far I've come (geographically AND as a person, LOLZ!!), all the strange creatures I've worked with, everywhere I've been...and I sat down and wrote about Brandon Stokley instead, which used up my entire maudlin sentiment quota for the week.

L.A. was supposed to eat me alive, right? I came out here with nothing and landed my first gig in under a month, and now I get paid to do what I want to do for the rest of my life, and I'm 25. That was fast. Part of me feels guilty, like it should have been harder. Part of me is too busy crowing that I managed to get away at all. The rest is taken wondering, "Now what?"

Bring me that horizon.

But something tells me I won't be writing from Santa Monica next September. Watch this space. (Not for news, but I might find some of those naked girls I keep hearing so much about.)

Steve's gotta go drain the seamonster.

Overworked, underpaid, inflamed appendix, and a mother who thinks you're doing porn aside, nothing quite soothes the senses like telling one's producer to walk the plank.

So, how was your day?

My mother received a nasty, condescending, anonymous* email at her work account this morning informing her I was "selling myself" on "pornographic websites" everydayshouldbesaturday.com and snarkastic.com.

Here's the photo in question, posted on EDSBS this morning as the result of me losing a bet on the outcome of the Tennessee-Florida game:

These colors don't run.

Couple thoughts:

• If it's porn, shouldn't you be able to at least see some nipple?
• Has this guy ever been to a beach? Or the student section at Neyland, for that matter?
• Sir, if the Vols hadn't up and quit after the Ainge-Foster handoff fumble, we might very well have avoided this situation altogether. Perhaps your ire would be better directed towards the team?
• Swindle's reaction: "Porn sites make money." If I'm selling myself, doesn't someone owe me a check?
• Friday Cheesecake is one thing (and that thing is "not porn either"), but seriously, there's naked girls on this site? How'd I miss THAT?
• I've been asked not to reprint the email here, which is sad, because it's COMEDY GOLD, but it includes the word "revolting". This is a tremendous blow to my self-esteem (already fragile enough to drive me to sell myself for validation!)....am I really so unsightly?
• Hi, Momma. I kept this site a secret for seven years, because I know how you feel about "language". Sorry about all the cussin'.

Discuss.

DO NOT WANT.

So whatever else happened, this was pretty sweet:

Nice catch, AA.

Except:

8:44:18 AM HOLLY: !!!!!!!
8:44:20 AM HOLLY: oh, no.
8:44:26 AM PB: Huh
8:44:28 AM HOLLY: Oh, no no non no.
8:44:46 AM PB: What?
8:44:48 AM HOLLY: Verne Lundquist is going to see my rack!
8:45:01 AM HOLLY: VERNE LUNDQUIST IS GOING TO SEE MY RACK.
8:45:02 AM PB: HA
8:45:05 AM HOLLY: NOT FUZNNY
8:45:05 AM PB: lol
8:45:16 AM PB: You realize Orson gets, um, a lot of traffic, right?
8:45:22 AM HOLLY: THIS BET IS NO LONGER FUNNY.
8:45:34 AM HOLLY: Well yes, but I never imagined having to look at any of them on the TEEVEE.
8:45:36 AM PB: Also: this will make the Rivals circuit in about .2 seconds
8:45:52 AM HOLLY: Now every time he smiles as he takes us to commercial
8:45:58 AM HOLLY: I'll know he's looking right at me
8:46:06 AM HOLLY: and thinking "Nice tits, miss."
8:46:12 AM PB: You do have a lovely rack
8:46:15 AM HOLLY: I KNOW.
8:46:18 AM HOLLY: (Thank you.)
8:46:28 AM HOLLY: But this is just wraaaaawwwng.

Cover Your Heart: NCAA Week 4

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Kali Ma NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 3 Performance, strength of schedule, and primarily trumpet-scored soundtracks accompanying ridiculous booby traps. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Sean Connery, Face-Melting Grail Monsters, Horrible Demons That Emerge From The Ark, Intolerable Lounge Singer, Snakes, And Coach Beautiful Woman Doctor Who Turns Out To Be Nazi, Surprising Absolutely No One.

1. LSU
KALI MA SAYS: Baton Rouge protects us! We are her children! We pledge our devotion to her with an offering of flesh... and blood! The MTSU coach was heard screaming "If you think I'm going to play another SEC team at home, think again, buster! I'm going home to Middle Tennessee, where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out and lowering you into hot pits! This is NOT my idea of a swell time!"

2. OKLAHOMA
KALI MA SAYS: Welcome to Oklahoma, where the earth ends and hell begins. This team is fo' real. It is something that man was not meant to disturb. Death has always surrounded it. It is not of this earth.

3. USC
KALI MA SAYS: Listen. Since I've met you Trojans fans, I've nearly been incinerated, drowned, shot at, and chopped into fish bait. We're caught in the middle of something sinister here. I hate your team, but I leapfrogged the Trojans over WFV because their offense was NFL caliber yesterday against a higher ranked team. But don't interpret this to mean that I think they will win out, because they won't. Not with that schedule...and not with that hit-or-miss defense.

4. WEST VIRGINIA
KALI MA SAYS: Choose wisely, for while the true Grail will bring you life, the false Grail will take it from you. (Gesturing towards Brian Brohm) He chose...poorly. Also, how awesome was it that Ray Lewis chose to appear on the Maryland sideline? I'm willing to bet that his presence alone shook the Maryland defense so badly that it enabled Mountaineer victory.

5. WISCONSIN
KALI MA SAYS: Cover your heart, Wisconsin!! Cover your heart! (NOMNOMSHIBA, NOMNOMSHIBA) Can't play like that and expect to win a championship.

6. FLORIDA
KALI MA SAYS: Well, Marcus, we're on the verge of the greatest discovery in the history of mankind. And as usual, the Gators are meddling with powers they can't possibly comprehend. Yeah, they blew Tennessee out yesterday, but I really believe that can be ascribed more to Tennessee's total failures as a team than to Florida's beastly talents. This is coming from a die-hard Vol who cried when Peyton Manning didn't win the Heisman, almost got beaten to death for profanity-ridden oaths of hatred and vengeance at the Orange Bowl during a lopsided loss to the Cornfuckers at age 14, and (until recently) ate only orange foods on game days to encourage victory for her team. But boy did we SUCK yesterday. A trained monkey could have--and did--beat us mercilessly. I still think Florida drops one this season, but I no longer think it will be Georgia--I have firsthand experience with their fair-weather fans, who nearly always fail to support them after even one loss. I don't know where they play the Gamecocks, but Spurrier might be the only other coach in the East who can take them out. I hate to say this, but I think the Tide might actually be their downfall this year. I am by no means drinking the Nick Saban Kool-Aid: that guy is a douche, and people are completely overlooking the fact that Mike Shula is the one who dug this program out of the NCAA sanctioned hole with recruiting and developing players. Damn, they're playing well, though.

7. TEXAS
KALI MA SAYS: Mack Brown explained in his postgame speech that "we are on the verge of completing a quest that began almost two thousand years ago. We're just one step away." Um, that's usually when the ground falls out from underneath your feet, Texas. The most consistent trait of your season so far is your almost comical inability to put away supposedly inferior opponents with no trouble. It is no longer a matter of if you will be upset, but when....I came across time for you, Colt. (Sorry. I just still really love that line.)

8. CAL
KALI MA SAYS: If you're a BCS contender, I am Mickey Mouse. You're gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory.

9. RUTGERS
KALI MA SAYS:
RUTGERS: [dressed as the ticket-taker] Tickets please.
NORFOLK STATE: [in German] What?
[Rutgers punches them, picks them up and throws them out a window into a pile of luggage; the other teams on their schedule watch, bewildered]
RUTGERS: [pointing out the window at Norfolk State] No ticket.

10. OHIO STATE
KALI MA SAYS: Savage! You think your win will allow you to move up? You are not in a position to ask for anything! We will take what we wish, and then decide whether or not to blow your ship from the water.

General Observations On:

TIM TEBOW....
JOINER: (Pacing sideline) You know what your problem is, Princess? You're too used to getting your own way.
TEBOW: (Stamping foot) And you're too proud to admit that you're crazy about me!
JOINER: If you want me, Tim, you know where to find me. (Heading onto field)
TEBOW: Five minutes. You'll be back over here in five minutes.
JOINER: I'll be asleep in five minutes.
TEBOW: Five. You know it, and I know it.

LOUISVILLE-KENTUCKY....
Told you so. Their defense was too porous.
BROHM: Harry. Don't, Harry. Harry! Lateral it to someone else, honey, you can't make it!
DOUGLAS: (Running vainly towards end zone): I can reach it... I can reach it...

ARKANSAS-ALABAMA....
Told you so again. Houston Nutt is like a poison gas. How odd that it should end this way for them after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall Saban find a new adversary so close to his own level? Try the local sewer.

MARYLAND....
You don't believe me, Dr. Jones? You will, Dr. Jones. You will become a true believer. Maryland played a very strong game against a superior opponent, and one which was closer than the score reflected. Fear the Turtle, Louisville, Rutgers, Florida State, Boston College, and Virginia Tech.

MISS STATE-AUBURN....
Ha ha ha, I love it when Auburn loses...screw you, Auburn. War Eag....fuck.

CLEMSON....
BOBBY BOWDEN: (Angrily) The quest for the ACC Championship is not archeology, it's a race against evil! If it is captured by the Hokies, the armies of darkness will march all over the face of the earth. Do you understand me?
TOMMY BOWDEN: (Wearily) This is an obsession, Dad. I've never understood it. Never. Neither did Mom.

UCLA-UTAH....
COACH DORRELL: Ben, you're going to have to find a wide receiver. Get ready! [Olson snaps the ball]
COACH DORRELL: [spotting an open man] 11 o'clock! BEN, 11 O'CLOCK!
BEN OLSON: [looking wildly at his watch] What happens at 11 o'clock?!

JOB SECURITY....
Is anyone looking for a live actor to play the Great Pumpkin at a Halloween party? Perfect candidate available!

FAN BASE: [Angrily] You stood up against everything the SEC stands for to be counted with the enemy! Who gives a DAMN what you think!
FULMER: [Pleadingly] YOU do!

Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression: Week 1

It took me this long to notice two of my three teams are named after Red Dawn. I knew I should've gone with the Fighting Authentic Alien Autopsy Bloopers.

What's eating my Saturday

Cheering interests in bold.

Mississippi State at Auburn [Mississippi State, 19-14]
Iowa at Iowa State [Iowa State, 15-13]
Tennessee at Florida [Florida, 59-20]
*Notre Dame at Michigan [Michigan, 38-0]
Ohio State at Washington [Ohio State, 33-14]
Texas at Central Florida [Texas, 35-32]
**Florida International at Miami [Miami, 23-9]
Louisiana Tech at Cal [Cal, 42-12]
Arkansas at Alabama [Alabama, 41-38]
Fresno State at Oregon [Oregon, 52-21]
***Louisville at Kentucky [Kentucky, 40-34]
USC at Nebraska [USC, 49-31]
Florida State at Colorado [Florida State, 16-6]

That there's Sparta, over yonder.

Well, I'm in it now.

Much obliged to Swindle for the reindeer games this week. Now die, with excruciating slowness, with all the rest of your kind. Go Vawls!

Cool Kids' Table: Week 1

Why yes, that WOULD be Lizzy, myself, and Texy sitting pretty atop the fantasy leaderboard, with RCR and Janie rounding out the top five. Now that you mention it.

testing...

Sorry I've been off the grid. My new replacement for human affection and I hit a rough patch when I accidentally downloaded my work email onto it (five thousand messages, most with attachments, since August 1, no kidding) and couldn't figure out how to wipe the cache. I *think* I've got it taken care of, so I should be able to, y'know, send and receive text messages that aren't blank and see if I have a missed call. So if I don't get back to you now, it's not me; it's you.

Mission Control, do you need me?

Take a look at this, and ask yourself, in the wake of phasing out manned missions, why they aren't going with "Feet on the ground, reaching for the stars". It's not like Casey Kasem's busy (but he's still alive, right?). Also enjoy the folks taking this seriously. The earnest deserve your scorn.

Gameday shoes!!

Now this is some juju right here:

The great temptation is to be silent, forever, in sympathy.

They're right about Hodgman--every year, this still makes more sense to me than anything anyone else has come up with.

Kill you dead.

I got so jacked up reading the final draft of this that I put "Sixty-Eight Guns" on repeat driving to work and missed my exit completely and wound up on the PCH screaming at the ocean before I knew what I'd done. 96 hours of unadulterated loathing shouldn't feel this good.

Laff Riot 45: 'Til Death Roo Us Part.

Back on our game, we present a sequel to the plans for our (double, heterosexual, very eventual) wedding.

10:12:33 PM Joan: I can't wait to see this in the Laff Riot next week.
10:12:41 PM Holly: I can't wait to see new Laff Rioting AT ALL.
10:12:48 PM Holly: It demonstrably doesn't work without you.
10:13:05 PM Joan: (love actually theme playing)

9:41:22 PM Holly: How did y'all get me to eat raw oysters in the first place?
9:42:19 PM Joan: i seem to remember forcibly funneling it down your throat while sean and dad held your arms
9:42:30 PM Holly: No, I came willingly
9:42:32 PM Holly: if sullenly
9:42:36 PM Holly: (surlily?)
9:42:38 PM Holly: OH MY GOD
9:42:42 PM Holly: THAT'S OUR WEDDING FLOWER
9:42:46 PM Holly: THE SURLILY
9:42:52 PM Joan: wow.
9:42:53 PM Holly: All we need to do is breed one.
9:43:08 PM Joan: a nasturtium-lily hybrid almost works
9:43:21 PM Holly: nastlily
9:43:25 PM Holly: I LOVE IT
9:43:49 PM Joan: "What are these flowers?" "Oh, those are our nastily bouqets"
9:44:14 PM Holly: Or breed tigerlilies with actual tigers
9:45:28 PM Joan: i really think that jay should carry my train dressed as the crackerjack boy
9:45:38 PM Joan: but i will be damned if he takes attention from me on my day
9:46:05 PM Joan: so i might break his legs, force him to hold onto my train, then drag him down the aisle behind me. i bet not many brides have had human trains.
9:46:49 PM Joan: i don't know why i don't work for the knot. my ideas would improve so many unions.
9:46:58 PM Holly: And if Jay's there, you know that train will arrive on time.
9:47:06 PM Holly: *ducks lightning bolt*
9:47:10 PM Joan: WOW.
9:47:19 PM Holly: *bows*
9:49:28 PM Joan: say, there's an idea!! we name the tables for monsters throughout history. or--wait, maybe it would be better with actual monsters.
9:50:13 PM Joan: imagine the look on your mother's face when she is told she is at the Bloodstinking Mummy table.
9:50:28 PM Joan: NO
9:50:34 PM Joan: THE RANDALL FLAGG TABLE.
9:50:47 PM Holly: Please. We need a Julii table just for the 'rents and Liz.
9:51:34 PM Joan: that would be really cute for an october wedding
9:51:36 PM Joan: monster names
9:51:40 PM Joan: i really rather like that
9:51:46 PM Holly: We can't get married in the fall.
9:51:54 PM Joan: we can work around football
9:52:02 PM Holly: it's gonna be someone's game
9:52:04 PM Holly: somewhere.
9:52:49 PM Joan: not really, because i won't be inviting outside of the sec, and there's always a lame week of play
9:53:09 PM Joan: no matter how hot, hot, hot some team is.
9:53:06 PM Holly: Maryland.
9:53:08 PM Holly: WFV.
9:53:28 PM Joan: i'm sorry but your parents need to choose whether their loyalty lies in tennessee or wfv.
9:53:42 PM Holly: Do we HAVE to have a fall wedding?
9:53:47 PM Joan: I WANT ONE.
9:53:47 PM Holly: (Is this gonna be a dry party?)
9:53:52 PM Holly: Well, it is the season for evil.
9:54:09 PM Joan: Summer is too hot and Spring is just too damn gay.
9:54:22 PM Joan: Who the fuck wants to get married in March?
9:54:37 PM Holly: I was thinking New Year's Eve
9:54:58 PM Holly: The hubris of hijacking an entire holiday and declaring it ours appeals to me
9:54:39 PM Joan: Winter makes people crazy with scheduling.
9:54:47 PM Joan: Autumn is perfect.
9:55:31 PM Joan: My uncle got married on Halloween. It was badass. They had carved pumpkins as centerpieces.
9:55:41 PM Holly: OK
9:55:53 PM Holly: Find the next year Halloween is on a Saturday
9:55:57 PM Holly: and that's our deadline.
9:56:13 PM Joan: And orange can be a legitimate color theme, without making me feel like a whore for decorating with football loyalties
9:56:47 PM Joan: Bad news. It's 2009.
9:57:11 PM Holly: Well, get with it.
9:57:30 PM Joan: Also, I would be afraid that Stewart and Danny would just go fucking insane and throw pumpkin goop at our gowns.
9:57:45 PM Joan: At which point I would light them on fire.
9:57:54 PM Holly: HOW is that not a great reception sendoff?
9:57:58 PM Holly: Fire batons are so over
9:58:08 PM Joan: I was thinking they could release live bats.
9:58:12 PM Holly: OH
9:58:13 PM Holly: that is better
9:58:19 PM Joan: I know.
9:58:29 PM Joan: AND OUR FIRST DANCE COULD BE MONSTER MASH.
9:58:35 PM Holly: OK, 2009.
9:58:37 PM Holly: Deadline.
9:58:48 PM Holly: Which means we need to be engaged in what, thirteen months to do this right?
9:58:49 PM Joan: I'll start inveigling men immediately.
9:59:02 PM Holly: What, you mean more?
9:59:15 PM Joan: None of the ones right now are good enough for pumpkin goop and live bats.
9:59:27 PM Holly: Yeah.
10:00:07 PM Joan: Imagine huge cauldrons full of candy
10:00:17 PM Holly: LIKE OUR HALLWOEEN PARTY
10:00:26 PM Joan: Except to the nth degree.
10:00:48 PM Joan: and the wedding party has to wear monster masks as they walk down the aisle
10:01:28 PM Joan: really, it would be worth it just to see mel, decked out in a floor length gown, with a wolfman mask strapped over her delicately coiffed curls.
10:01:46 PM Holly: I somehow see her in a mermaid costume
10:01:49 PM Holly: with the wolfman mask.
10:01:58 PM Holly: CAN WE DRESS CAMDEN AS ELVIS?
10:02:08 PM Joan: NO.
10:02:20 PM Holly: PENNYWISE?
10:03:56 PM Joan: Maybe he could dress as a Balrog. That seems like a fair compromise.
10:04:18 PM Joan: Our cake could be all the levels of the Inferno
10:04:36 PM Joan: With, like, Peeps and Gummi Bears trying to escape
10:04:59 PM Holly: half melted gummi bears
10:04:52 PM Joan: or a ghost. i think we would really like a ghost cake.
10:05:10 PM Joan: THE BUFFET TABLE HAS TO BE LABELED WITH THINGS LIKE "THIS IS THE DEAD MAN'S BRAIN"
10:05:37 PM Joan: "Is this quiche?" "No, I belive the card says 'This is the dead man's bowel'."
10:05:51 PM Holly: And we can have masks at the tables
10:05:53 PM Holly: JOAN
10:05:57 PM Holly: MASQUE OF THE RED DEATH WEDDING
10:06:04 PM Holly: Seven layer seven colored cake
10:06:06 PM Joan: I now want this wedding so much more than I ever wanted the Mario or SVH weddings.
10:06:07 PM Joan: OH
10:06:07 PM Joan: MY
10:06:08 PM Joan: GOD.
10:06:12 PM Holly: WINNER
10:06:14 PM Joan: Seven different rooms.
10:06:15 PM Holly: Masked ball
10:06:18 PM Joan: NO
10:06:19 PM Joan: NO
10:06:19 PM Joan: THE CAKE
10:06:23 PM Joan: HAS TO BE A GRANDFATHER CLOCK
10:06:26 PM Holly: YES
10:06:41 PM Joan: AND INSTEAD OF US GOING OUT TO OUR CAR, THE RED DEATH WILL COME AND FORCIBLY CARRY US OUT.
10:07:00 PM Holly: I was going to suggest we dress Father Camden as Red Death
10:07:05 PM Holly: but I think I might like that better
10:07:13 PM Joan: There's a conversation I would love to hear.
10:07:30 PM Joan: "Father, are you familiar with the works of Edgar Allan Poe?"
10:07:47 PM Holly: This is why we need Camden
10:07:53 PM Holly: He might be more willing to hedge with God.
10:08:01 PM Joan: There is no church in this country that would let someone officiate as the Red Death.
10:08:10 PM Holly: Unitarian, baby!
10:08:14 PM Joan: NO.
10:08:29 PM Joan: I accept a purgatory cake, but I draw the line at Unitarianism.
10:08:50 PM Joan: Next thing you know you'll be telling me to ask the four winds of the east for blessings.
10:08:52 PM Holly: Yeah, if
10:08:53 PM Holly: LOL
10:08:55 PM Holly: I WAS GOING THERE
10:09:02 PM Joan: OF COURSE YOU WERE.
10:09:05 PM Joan: OF COURSE YOU WERE.
10:09:12 PM Holly: But I'll settle for saying that if we're going to be married by a Unitarian we might as well go ahead and marry each other.
10:09:25 PM Joan: Oh, look. There's the line.
10:09:35 PM Holly: *slinks back to God*
10:09:57 PM Joan: I personally think our Halloween-themed weddiOHMYGOD
10:10:02 PM Joan: CAMDEN HAS TO OFFICIATE AS MICHAEL MYERS
10:10:06 PM Holly: NO.
10:10:14 PM Joan: THE HALLOWEEN THEME PLAYS ON HARPS DURING THE RECESSIONAL
10:10:17 PM Holly: NO
10:10:30 PM Holly: THE TRUCK DRIVER FROM JOYRIDE
10:10:33 PM Joan: AND THEN WE CUT THE CAKE WITH FREDDY KRUEGER'S HANDS
10:11:42 PM Holly: GRINCH NIGHT
10:11:44 PM Joan: NO
10:11:45 PM Joan: NO
10:11:45 PM Joan: NO
10:11:50 PM Holly: WE CLIMB INTO THE PARAPHERNALIA WAGON
10:11:51 PM Joan: SOUR SWEET WIND
10:13:14 PM Joan: OMIGOD
10:13:15 PM Joan: OH
10:13:16 PM Joan: OH
10:13:19 PM Joan: I BET YOU ANYTHING
10:13:34 PM Joan: WE COULD GET ANDREW MCCARTHY TO REPRISE HIS KINGDOM HOSPITAL ROLE AND OFFICIATE OUR WEDDING.
10:13:46 PM Holly: IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S BUSY
10:13:49 PM Holly: HOW DID I NOT THINK OF THAT
10:13:50 PM Joan: I KNOW
10:13:53 PM Joan: UNCLEAR
10:13:55 PM Holly: BUT
10:13:57 PM Holly: but
10:14:00 PM Holly: if he officiates
10:14:05 PM Holly: he can't be marrying me.
10:14:07 PM Holly: Does not compute
10:14:13 PM Holly: dee doo doo dee doo doo
10:14:17 PM Joan: Something has to give here, Holly.
10:14:19 PM Holly: Can we have a Maypole?
10:14:23 PM Holly: (I've moved on)
10:14:29 PM Joan: Only if we burn a large wicker man with Casey inside it.
10:14:41 PM Joan: Why do I feel like he would volunteer for this?
10:14:58 PM Joan: Or Stewart...."AWWWWHH! It's an HONOR! ROOOOO!"
10:15:15 PM Holly: Stewart is the flower girl.
10:15:22 PM Joan: I don't know why more weddings don't burn people.
10:15:51 PM Holly: I can spare some cousins.
10:16:01 PM Joan: Stewart is the page. He comes in dressed as Dracula, bangs a staff on the floor, and announces our arrival.
10:16:42 PM Holly: then, in Stewartvoice not disguised at all, he says "ah-ah" and he retreats via pulley system to the rafters
10:16:50 PM Holly: where he proceeds to count thunderclaps.
10:16:33 PM Joan: OH
10:16:40 PM Joan: DURING THE STANDARD PHOTO SLIDESHOW AT THE RECEPTION
10:16:47 PM Joan: THE MANT SHOULD ACTUALLY COME OUT OFTHE SCREEN
10:16:55 PM Holly: OH MY GOD
10:17:05 PM Joan: I think we just found the zenith.
10:17:06 PM Holly: MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS PRETTY MUCH LITERALLY BEEN SPENT WAITING FOR THAT MOMENT
10:17:17 PM Holly: AND I'M ALL, I TOLD YOU IT WOULD COME OUT EVENTUALLY!!
10:17:21 PM Holly: GLAD YOU STUCK AROUND
10:18:08 PM Joan: i feel weak now
10:18:22 PM Holly: We're out of practice.
10:18:32 PM Holly: Your eyesight will return in time.
10:18:33 PM Joan: So...tired..
10:18:42 PM Joan: Yet so happy.
10:18:43 PM Holly: You are free of the carbonite.
10:18:51 PM Holly: <-- SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU
10:19:01 PM Joan: I JUST SHUDDERED. NOT THE GOOD KIND.
10:19:05 PM Holly: *preen*
10:20:57 PM Joan: SHOULD A BASILISK POP OUT OF THE CAKE?
10:21:11 PM Holly: NO
10:21:15 PM Joan: LIKE ONE OF THOSE FAKE SNAKES IN A CAN, ONLY ALIVE, AND TWENTY FEET LONG?
10:21:19 PM Holly: the basilisk is the bouncer
10:21:23 PM Holly: because god knows we'll need one
10:21:33 PM Holly: one that can eat people.
10:22:05 PM Joan: ...indiscriminately, though?
10:22:09 PM Holly: JOAN
10:22:20 PM Holly: ...never mind.
10:22:32 PM Joan: Oh, you're in too deep for that.
10:22:46 PM Holly: I was going to have King Kong carry me away to the car as Fay Wray
10:22:53 PM Holly: but it would be too real and too reminiscent.
10:23:40 PM Joan: I wonder if they accept wedding reception reservations at the Tower of London.
10:24:14 PM Holly: I wonder if we should lock the grooms in like the princes.
10:24:38 PM Joan: I actually have several relatives who spent time in the tower.
10:24:55 PM Joan: It will be like a homecoming.
10:25:24 PM Holly: wait, were yours Plantagenets, or killed by Plantagenets?
10:33:35 PM Joan: none of the plantagenets were in the tower that i know of, but some of my later relatives were.
10:33:52 PM Joan: think it was the wolcotts but am not positive
10:34:56 PM Joan: we descended from the bad side of the plantagenets, king john, but i think that is far more interesting than richard the lionheart.
10:35:14 PM Holly: And appropriate
10:35:21 PM Joan: Yes.
10:35:26 PM Holly: JOAN
10:35:32 PM Holly: our first dance cannot be the monster mash
10:35:37 PM Joan: WHY
10:35:34 PM Holly: because
10:35:42 PM Joan: this better be good.
10:35:39 PM Holly: it has to be the Thriller dance
10:35:42 PM Holly: in its entirety
10:35:44 PM Joan: .....oh.
10:36:21 PM Joan: i was just struck by an incredibly powerful urge to see caesar dressed as a werewolf zombie doing the thriller dance.
10:36:01 PM Holly: CAN WE DRESS CAMDEN AS CAPTAIN EO
10:36:06 PM Holly: I WANT TO BE MARRIED BY CAPTAIN EO
10:37:45 PM Joan: I feel like this, more than any royal wedding, would actually be the wedding of the millenium
10:38:11 PM Holly: Of every millenium
10:38:34 PM Joan: It's so hard on us to have to do everything.
10:40:58 PM Joan: What would we dress Joy as?
10:42:18 PM Joan: GOD
10:42:23 PM Joan: HOW COULD WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THIS
10:42:35 PM Joan: AUTUMN WEDDING, HALLOWEEN THEME----WE CAN WALK DOWN THE AISLE ON STALKS OF CORN
10:42:40 PM Holly: WE
10:42:42 PM Holly: ARE
10:42:48 PM Holly: ONE
10:42:42 PM Joan: HE WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS MUST OFFICIATE.
10:42:51 PM Joan: WE MAKE THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE CHANT WE ARE ONE
10:43:30 PM Holly: And Camden says to us as we reach the altar "did you honesty think he who walks behind the rows would allow you to escape...wedded bliss?"
10:44:14 PM Joan: Oh, my Lord.
10:44:21 PM Joan: It really is a dream wedding.
10:44:50 PM Joan: Halfway through, Ryan enters the nave dressed as Malachi and tries to off us
10:45:26 PM Joan: "Welcome, family, friends, honored guests, and outlanders."
10:45:51 PM Joan: stephen king would totally come to this shit.
10:46:06 PM Joan: WE HOLD OUR RECEPTION AT THE HOTEL WHERE THEY FILMED THE SHINING
10:46:36 PM Holly: Then we can't get married at Halloween
10:46:41 PM Holly: Estes Park'll be snowed in
10:46:49 PM Joan: This, I feel, is half the fun.
10:46:54 PM Joan: SNOW MAZE.
10:47:00 PM Joan: WITH SKULLS EMBEDDED IN THE ICE.
10:47:14 PM Holly: And once again, we're back to discussing death tolls at our wedding.
10:47:13 PM Joan: AND THE PALE MAN FROM PAN'S LABYRINTH MEANDERING THROUGH IT.
10:47:17 PM Holly: NO
10:47:18 PM Holly: NO
10:47:18 PM Holly: NO
10:47:19 PM Holly: NO
10:47:19 PM Holly: NO
10:47:20 PM Holly: NO
10:47:20 PM Joan: yes
10:47:22 PM Joan: YES
10:47:22 PM Holly: LINE.
10:47:23 PM Holly: NO.
10:47:24 PM Holly: VETO
10:47:26 PM Holly: VETO
10:47:26 PM Joan: NOW IS THE SEASON FOR EVIL.
10:47:32 PM Holly: JOAN, YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EYEBALLS
10:47:40 PM Holly: WHERE THERE ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EYEBALLS
10:47:46 PM Holly: I COULD NOT EVEN WATCH THAT SCENE
10:47:57 PM Holly: I WAS WHIMPERING INTO RYAN'S NECKBEARD THE WHOLE TIME
10:48:05 PM Joan: i guess you're not going to like my idea for what they tie to the back of our bumper, then.
10:48:10 PM Holly: NO.
10:48:16 PM Holly: I will not draw any other lines
10:48:22 PM Holly: even pennywise related ones
10:48:25 PM Holly: but NO PALE MAN.
10:48:32 PM Joan: Really? Let's find out.
10:48:42 PM Joan: What if the waiters are dressed as crab people?
10:48:45 PM Holly: Fine.
10:48:50 PM Holly: Long as they don't sing the song.
10:48:55 PM Holly: It's the song that bothers me.
10:49:00 PM Joan: That seems like you're drawing a line.
10:49:01 PM Holly: But I could even bear that.
10:49:48 PM Holly: Your line is secular humanism, mine is eyeballs in fucking hands.
10:50:05 PM Holly: I think this is entirely reasonable.
10:50:30 PM Joan: (petulant sigh)
10:50:41 PM Joan: but you will let me have the snow maze of skull outside the overlook?
10:51:03 PM Holly: But of course. *chucks chin*
10:51:31 PM Joan: It is our ability to compromise that convinces me that we are totally ready for marriage (to different men).
10:51:55 PM Holly: So far, though
10:52:03 PM Holly: we've only been able to compromise to each other
10:52:17 PM Holly: Getting married means expanding that capacity by 100%.
10:52:26 PM Holly: Good thing we have till 2009.
10:52:49 PM Joan: Yes. That should leave us plenty of time.

Die in a fire, Jets fans.

Listen, you bridge-and-tunnel reprobates. [Knoxville native, Webb alum, and all-around-nice-guy-but-not-in-an-annoying-way] Chad Pennington is literally having years of his life knocked out of him for your country asses. He's battled back from injury after injury with no help from you, he finally gets on the field, he's sacked and his leg is twisted halfway around--and you CHEER as his backup runs out? While Chad himself is falling down trying to get himself to the sideline? Are you fucking kidding me?

And what does Chad do? Sit out the rest of the series, come right back in and throw a motherfucking TD. In a stadium half full of Patriots fans, Jets faithful--you're the assholes. And that's really saying something.

Rise of the Machines: NCAA Week 3

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Terminator Series NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 2 Performance, strength of schedule, and [SARAH CONNOR?]. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include The Terminator, The T-1000, The T-X, The Inevitable T-JUV Played By Dakota Fanning, Kyle Reese, And Coach Fucking Doctor Who Should Have Fucking Listened When I Told Him About The Cyborgs.

[ 'POSSIBLE RESPONSE: YES/NO; OR WHAT?; GO AWAY; PLEASE COME BACK LATER; GO FOR TWO; THROW INTERCEPTION; FUCK YOU, ASSHOLE; FUCK YOU']

1. LSU
T-1000 SAYS: You still don't get it, do you? They'll find you. That's what they do. That's all they do! You can't stop LSU. They'll wade through you, reach down your throat, and pull your fucking heart out. South Carolina at Baton Rouge just got a lot more interesting, though.

2. OKLAHOMA
T-1000 SAYS: The 600 series Sooners had rubber skin. We spotted them easy, but these are new. They look human - sweat, bad breath, everything. Very hard to spot. I had to wait till they moved on Miami before I could zero them. These guys are pimps. They should coast until the 6th, when they meet Texas in a showdown that will end someone's (and by someone's, I mean Texas') season.

3. WEST VIRGINIA
T-1000 SAYS: If I could feel human emotion, I would be absolutely appalled by the shoddy Mountaineer play of the first three quarters. I would also be looking forward with an almost predatory excitement to next weekend's trip to Byrd Stadium, because the Terps are awesome this season and might actually upset them. I'm saying that it's one possible future. From your point of view - I don't know tech stuff.

4. USC
T-1000 SAYS: Listen. And understand. That season-terminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until USC is dead. It might even be the Cornfuckers next week, although they looked awful today, so maybe not. I know you're all very upset that they dropped a spot, but that's what happens with a week 2 bye to allow you to recuperate from the vigors of Idaho. Also, I've never liked them, and it?s my poll, so hasta la vista, bitches.

5. WISCONSIN
T-1000 SAYS: We were that close to going out forever. But there was one man who taught us to fight, to storm the wire of the camps, to smash those UNLV motherfuckers into junk. He turned it around. He brought us back from the brink. His name is Donovan. Tyler Donovan [mournful yet inspirational synthesizer wailing]. I was really disappointed with their play. What the hell is going on this season? Parity kicks ass.

6. TEXAS
T-1000 SAYS: Someone gave me a picture of you once, Colt. I didn't know why at the time. It was very old - torn, faded. You were young like you are now. You seemed just a little sad. I used to always wonder what you were thinking at that moment. I memorized every line, every curve. I came across time for you Colt. I have to know--who was it that upset your Longhorns? Because it's gwine be someone. You can't play like you did in the first half for the rest of the year and expect anything other than annihilation.

7. FLORIDA
T-1000 SAYS:
Meyer: How much did you drink? (Examining empty vat of Kool-Aid)
Tebow: Enough.
Meyer: Well, this is the stuff we use to chemically neuter dogs. Take a look.

8. CAL
T-1000 SAYS: They're not gonna make it, are they? Cal, I mean. It is in their nature to destroy themselves. Major drag, huh?--I mean, good luck with the rest of your season, guys. I'm sure you?ll beat LA Tech, Oregon, UCLA, Washington, and USC.

9. OHIO STATE
T-1000 SAYS: I know what it's like to be in a hostage situation, I've been there myself. The fear, the adrenaline you find yourself, imagining things, impossible things, crazy things, insane things... take years to get over it. You better remember how it felt to end the half leading Akron--AKRON--3 to 2. Bravo, really.

10. RUTGERS
T-1000 SAYS: Louisville's defense gave up FORTY-TWO POINTS to Middle Tennessee State. That was all I needed to hear. Welcome, Rutgers!

General Observations On:

THE BCS:
There was a nuclear war. A few years from now, all this, this whole place, everything, it's gone. Just gone. There were survivors. Here, there. Nobody even knew who started it. It was the machine, Sarah. Bowl Championship Series computers. New... powerful... hooked into everything, trusted to run it all. They say it got smart, a new order of intelligence. Then it saw all people as a threat, not just the ones on the gridiron. Decided our fate in a microsecond: extermination.

BOISE STATE-WASHINGTON:
Bandwagon: I'm a friend of Boise State. I was told they were here. Could I see them please?
Locker Room Guard: No, you can't see them, they're making a statement.
Bandwagon: (Cracking knuckles menacingly) Where are they?
Locker Room Guard: It may take a while. Want to wait? There's a bench over there
Bandwagon: (Quiet malice) I'll be back.

AUBURN:
Come on. Do I look like the mother of the future? I mean, am I tough, organized? I CAN'T EVEN BEAT UNIVERSITY OF SOUTH FLORIDA.

MICHIGAN-OREGON:
3 billion human lives ended on September 8, 2007. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war Judgment Day. They lived only to face a new nightmare: the war against themselves. The computer which controlled the polls, ESPN, sent two Terminators back through time. Their mission: to destroy the leader of the Wolverine resistance, Mario Manningham. As before, the resistance was able to send a lone warrior, Lee Corso, a protector for Mario. It was just a question of which one of them would reach him first.

NOTRE DAME-PENN STATE:
[SFX: Skulls crunching underfoot]

GEORGIA-SC:
Hey Janelle, what's wrong with UGA? I can hear him barking. Is he all right?

(Metallic drumbeats)

WWL, this is unnecessarily sultry.

Things to read at halftime

I'm about four days behind in my RSS reading, but these brought me belated joy:

• Dance-off!
• The beast is back.
• Dessert!

Finally, the Hugh Johnson Project rides again. Excelsior!

yo yo yo yo yo yo yo...*yaaaawwwwwn*

Whatever the scoreboard, however inferior the facilities, fanbase, and tailgate, Berkeley/SF was just a lovely weekend. (I can't possibly convey how much glee it brought me to watch the obliteration of Michigan and Notre Dame in an orange-packed sports bar. Highlight: The chap in the Spartans hat closest to the television, derisively humming "Hail to the Victors" after every App. State score.) I'm content, though, to be back in my own bed and intent on not leaving the house all day...if Baeyill was here it'd be just about perfect.

Games of interest to-day (cheering in bold):

West Fuckin' By-God Virginia at Marshall [WFV, 48-23]
Miami at Oklahoma [Oklahoma, 51-13]
Oregon at Michigan [Oregon, 39-7]
South Carolina at Georgia [SC, 16-12]
Notre Dame at Penn State [Penn, 31-10]
TCU at Texas [Texas, 34-13]
Southern Miss at Tennessee [Tennessee, 39-19]
Virginia Tech at LSU Completely lost interest in favor of South Florida-Auburn.

I'm all for the time change + Hawaii games providing a true all-day all-night football experience, but somehow a game starting at eight feels just insane. Nine is a respectable brunch hour, but I can't bring myself to break out the mimosas yet. Which is tragic, considering the volume of alcohol traditionally imbibed by my family during WFV - Marshall.

I feel shocked!

Every once in a while, a columnist will hit upon a turn of phrase so sublimely absurd as to make Pepper Brooks turn his head. So thank you, Len Pasquarelli, for allowing me to start my morning with this:

In a blowout in which the final score is 41-10, it's hard to identify a turning point, a precise snapshot where momentum charges inexorably in one franchise's direction. But for Colts coach Tony Dungy, there was no mystery about when Big Mo' moved to his sideline and established squatter's rights there.

artwork courtesy of the indispensable LOLJocks.

Too many unfamiliar faces on the sideline and in the starting lineup this year for my comfort. I'm missing Glenn, June, Rhodes, and Harper already (I slept in my #83 jersey last night and am nowhere near being ready to talk about Stokley on That Other Horsey Team), but this could not have been better scripted. After shaking off some early rust, the boys in blue are back in a big damn way. That rebuilding sapling defense of ours just stonewalled last year's number one offense. As for Jesus Christ Quarterback (tm Grimey), well...You know those players that have an "extra gear", afterburners no one covering them can match? We're collecting the whole set to win valuable prizes. It's a concept writ large in Indianapolis; there's not a whole lot of stopping the Laser Rocket Arm & Co. once they decide the road goes through you.

Advent

I'm sorry I couldn't join your fantasy league, but I'm already fielding three teams, in two pickem contests, one suicide pool, and two panels. I just don't have the RAM.

I'm finally ready to talk about this (more later, with extra Michigan-ND derision), and more than ready for this.

Game on.

Let The Hate Flow Through You: NCAA Week 2

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Jabba the Hutt NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 1 Performance, strength of schedule, and reported cases of people being encased in carbonite. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Jabba the Hutt, Boba Fett, Darth Vader, The Bantha, Bib Fortuna, The Emperor, and Coach Little Muppet With The Bitchy Laugh That Sat In Jabba?s Fat Folds.

Meesa faaja SOLO? deeshy wheela ardee jok deep FOOTBAW? HAH, HAH, HAH, HAH.

1. LSU
JABBA SAYS: It only took LSU one game to release their perennially unnecessary aggression against a helpless, inferior opponent, as I?m sure you have all seen by now on the internets. This leads me to believe that one or more of their players may be infected with the rage virus, playing so drunk that he thinks he is a Mack truck, or an emissary from hell sent here to teach us about pain before the trumpets sound. This does not bode well for Virginia Tech. Oh, I'm afraid the deflector shield will be quite operational when the Hokies arrive.

2. WEST VIRGINIA
JABBA SAYS: With Steve Slaton and Pat White scoring four times? EACH? West Virginia remains a safe pick for #2. Their roster is my kind of scum: fearless and inventive.

3. USC
JABBA SAYS: I have never been so happy for Gozer to be so wrong about a team's potential for success. Screw Michigan. That is what they get for producing Charles Woodson. Therefore, I have little choice but to put USC in this slot, loath though I am to do it (their joyless, slow-moving triumph over the Idaho Fighting Potato Cupcakes certainly does not merit it, but it would be ludicrous to put a Texas team that struggled against Arkansas State [!] above them). The Trojans... will die. As will your friends. Good, I can feel your anger. I am unarmed. Take your weapon. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete.

4. OHIO STATE
JABBA SAYS: They move up not so much because they earned this spot, but because Texas showed that they did not deserve it. OSU just looks stronger than them at this point. Also, you know they are laughing their asses off about Michigan right now, and maybe some of that bloodlust will carry over to next week, when Akron's feeble skills will be no match for the power of the Dark Side.

5. OKLAHOMA
JABBA SAYS: The Sooners obliterated North Texas, and seemed to be enjoying themselves as much as Pop Warner kids (to be fair, their opponent was probably actually starting some PWs, but that?s their problem). Their play was damn near perfect.

6. WISCONSIN
JABBA SAYS: I am really liking Wisconsin right now. Preview for next week:
BIELEMA: Donovan, tell your offensive line that if they don't do as you wish, you'll become angry and use your magic.
DONOVAN: But master Bielema, what magic? I couldn?t possibly.
BIELEMA: Trust me.

7. TEXAS
JABBA SAYS: In the aftermath of what happened in Ann Arbor, some people may have overlooked the fact that the Longhorns needed an onside recovery in order to beat the Arkansas State Indians in the last sixty seconds IN AUSTIN. Also, they had already lost the first onside kick to the Indians, but then lucked out when a penalty forced them to kick again. Um? hook 'em? Horns? Right now, though, Colt McCoy is hunched over the game film, muttering "Bring me TCU and Central Florida. They will all suffer for this outrage", so I think the Horns will be all right.

8. CAL
JABBA SAYS: It cannot be denied that they played well last night. Since their performance was largely motivated by their desire to avenge themselves for the ass-beating they took in Neyland, though, I have my doubts about whether they can hold to that level for the rest of the season. As an SEC fan, this is something I have a lot of experience with: you get all fired up to get revenge on someone who owned you, and then a few games later, you lose to a cellar team. I think this will happen to Cal. Also, I think Nate Longshore is severely unattractive, dirty, and probably a peeping Tom. He may have been a good quarterback last night [and there we disagree; he was merely serviceable, especially next to Jackson/Forsett. --ed.], but now he's Bantha fodder.

9. FLORIDA
JABBA SAYS: Please don't misunderstand me: I think Florida loses at least two this season, and they won't be here for long. However, they are better than Louisville, so here they are. For now. Your mind powers will not work on me, boy.

10. AUBURN
JABBA SAYS: For at least 90 minutes last night, I was certain that the Tigers were actually going to lose to Kansas State, so I should probably drop them a few spots. If I did that, though, I would have to put Georgia in this spot, which I will not do (not because of divisional hatred, but because I saw them play last year, and I saw their fans give up on them and refuse to cheer for them, EVEN IN THE FOURTH QUARTER, WHEN THEY WERE ONLY DOWN BY 7 TO FLORIDA? RIDICULOUS). There will be no bargain, young Bulldog. I shall enjoy watching you die.

One Last Observation: What do you get when you have a Clausen at quarterback, two former Knoxville high school standouts making their NCAA debut, and an unrepentant fatty at coach?? Nothing good, which any Tennessee fan could have told Charlie Weis, saving him a lot of trouble yesterday against Georgia Tech.

Laff Riot Summer Reruns: Season Finale

All new episodes return next week.

10:28:05 PM Nastinchka: If the way I spoil you, my iPod and my remote-controlled velociraptor is any indication, I really will be an awesome parent.
10:28:09 PM Nastinchka: (Many, many years hence.)
10:28:50 PM Spawn: many, many
10:28:58 PM Spawn: I don't want the competition
10:30:00 PM Nastinchka: You know, that had never occurred to me. But seriously, I'd be to scared to get preggers even if I had the inclination. Out of fear that you'd rip it from my womb with your jealous mind-lasers.
10:31:05 PM Spawn: you know that I would.
10:32:24 PM Nastinchka: And for that I both fear you, and congratulate myself on your rearing.

5:43:35 PM Livia: GOTH TWEEN GIRL AT MALL #1: Do you have the Satanic Bible?
5:43:58 PM Livia: ME: No, we don't have it in stock.
5:43:58 PM Livia: GOTH TWEEN GIRL AT MALL #2: ...RACISTS.

10:51:37 AM Nastinchka: THAT's a new one.
10:51:38 AM T$ (Autoreply): You must be a snake charmer, because you make these pythons want to dance.
10:52:00 AM T$: yeah. they get better. check out what i said to micki on date numero dos:
10:52:10 AM T$: "i'm glad you're a vet student, 'cause these pythons are sick."
10:52:44 AM T$: i know. i kill myself with humor sometimes.
10:57:31 AM T$: you'd be surprised at how amazed some people get when they find out how many of these i know
10:57:39 AM T$: ...then again, you probably wouldn't be
10:57:42 AM Nastinchka: Nope.
10:59:36 AM T$: how about this? "i just got invited to multi-party talks at the white house. they want to talk about disarming these nukes." *flexes*
10:59:44 AM Nastinchka: Wow.
10:59:46 AM T$: needs work, i know, but that's off the top of my head
11:00:13 AM T$: "gas prices going up sure depress the hell out of me. means i've gotta pay more to fuel these diesels."
11:00:38 AM T$: "i'm suing nbc. i mean, i trademarked the name for law and order here." *flexing alternate arms*
11:01:20 AM T$: "i'm gonna get a couple of tats right here. [point to quads] big dollar signs for the money makers."
11:01:30 AM T$: it's fun to pretend to be that self-involved.
11:01:45 AM T$: (the obvious joke from you would be, "pretend?" but we'll take that as read, ok?)
11:02:07 AM Nastinchka: Already done.
11:02:16 AM T$: good
11:05:11 AM Nastinchka: "KNow why they haven't found Osama? Cause he's hiding behind this ROCK!" (flexes)
11:05:28 AM T$: AH HAHAHAHAHAHA. and now for the ctrl + v

1:04:28 PM Nastinchka: I wonder if, along with training camp, rookies are required to atttend some sort of secret NFL elocution academy in a bunker somewhere. Like football charm school, so they know to look in the camera and not at Holly Rowe's breasts during the postgame, and how to pronounce "Theismann".
1:05:51 PM Livia: and walk balancing buckets of gatorade on their heads, and practicing the delicate art of stopping their car when they run over someone instead of flooring the gas

4:59:42 PM 'Box: I'm a valet now, btw
4:59:49 PM Nastinchka: I heard.
4:59:55 PM Nastinchka: The earth trembles.
5:00:05 PM Nastinchka: I told Erin it'd be like Four Rooms, but with less vaginas.
5:00:14 PM 'Box: heh. God I hope so on all counts
5:00:55 PM 'Box: except for the whole dead fucking whore in the bed. but if I could vomit on cue like that then I would just cash in on that....at like....the circus
5:01:16 PM Nastinchka: Righto.
5:01:29 PM 'Box: where I would then befriend a wee circus midget and name him Leni
5:02:13 PM Nastinchka: Inappropriate spelling for a boy, less you're making Twee-umph of the Will.
5:02:37 PM 'Box: who said my midget had to be gender specific?

5:07:27 PM Livia (Autoreply): Things Discussed In The Last 48 Hours (see if you can tell which one is fake!!: 1) Mammoths 2) Cutting off your own foot 3) Sushi 4) Snowmen that attack and kill you 5) Snakebites 6) Racquetball 7) High school football rivalries 8) Recreational Viagra 9) Scrambled porn 10) Gulfstreams
5:08:23 PM Nastinchka: Well, you were with [boyfriend redacted], so I know 8 and 10 were in heavy rotation.

Spawn (Autoreply): If you could stop every atom in its position and direction, and if your mind could comprehend all the actions thus suspended, then if you were really, really good at algebra you could write the formula for all the future.
'Bus: But only for the actions that you could see in a single light speed/femtosecond, give or take.
'Bus: So you'd know what would happen a nanosecond from now.
'Bus: But you're neurons don't work that fast. So you're fucked.
'Bus: And Heisenberg says, "Great. You know their positions. But where are they going?"
'Bus: My bottle of vodka says.
'Bus: "hi."
'Bus: The period speaks for itself.

6:30:54 PM Livia: we need doppelgangers.
6:31:18 PM Nastinchka: ....besides each other?
6:31:31 PM Livia: THEN there would be FOUR of us (tom cruise voice)
6:32:57 PM Nastinchka: My fallopian tubes just knotted themselves in fear.
6:33:31 PM Livia: Mine do that too, from time to time. But then I think of the Gulfstream and the Pony, and the greater good prevails.

2:14:53 PM T$: If, when speaking in the first person plural (e.g., royal "we") and you want to say that you graduated from a certain school, would you say that you are "alumni"? Or "an alumnus"?
2:14:52 PM Nastinchka: I would say that you're an asshole.

9:34:36 PM Livia: also, don't post this, lest the apellate judge finds your website and returns our millions to his estate
9:35:19 PM Livia: there can be no record. otherwise, we edge into the dangerous territory of "premeditated"

12:50:47 AM Nastinchka: ....Adam says you called tech support.
12:50:52 AM Feezle: (Autoreply) Vlad got out of her cage. anybody know how to get a three foot corn snake out of a bose 501 speaker?

4:34:06 PM Nastinchka: You know that snide remark we turned to each other and said at the SAME DAMN TIME during Brokeback? What the hell was it?
4:34:16 PM Livia: No, YOU hang up!
4:34:21 PM Nastinchka: THANK YOU.
4:34:27 PM Nastinchka: It's been driving me mad trying to remember.
4:34:28 PM Livia: You're welcome.
4:34:54 PM Livia: I only remember because it was directly preceded by "Wake up, Ennis, it's the day after tomorrow".

6:25:23 AM Spawn: and makes me wonder why i care about the future of america ... I almost think if the whole goddamn ship went down it'd be worth it to take that dose of evil and worthlessness out of the world.
10:09:08 AM Nastinchka: But that's exactly why you need to KEEP caring.
10:11:03 AM Nastinchka: Because the American Dream belongs to THEM too, with their Skoal and their Barbizon and their GEDs, and we've got to defend it for them just as vigorously as we defend it for ourselves.