Snarkastic

I think you know, boy, I think you know.

we've only just beeeeguuuun

Someone tell me when it's safe to go back on Facebook. By which I mean, WHEN THEY ARE NO LONGER RUNNING SAW IV ADS AND I AM NO LONGER CONFRONTED WITH SUDDEN AND UNWARRANTED PICTURES OF THE ONLY THING THAT SCARES ME MORE THAN CLOWNS--CLOWN PUPPETS.

(Seriously, how long should I wait to log back in? At least Thursday, to be safe, right?)

Submitted for the Approval of the Midnight Society: NCAA Week Halloween

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. Written by Joan, illustrated by Holly.

I am proud to present the First Annual Seasonal Halloween Celebration Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 9 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of masked, staunchly pro-celibacy killers too stupid to string two words together. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include R.L. Stine, Jamie Lee Curtis, The Midnight Society, Monster Blood, Scenery With Bette Midler's Teeth Marks Still Clearly Visible On It, And Coach Horrid Living Ventriloquist Dummy That Silently Stalks You Until You Die From Terror.

If the Buckeyes were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: You Can't Scare Me!, The Tressel Walks at Midnight, or Killer's Kiss.

If the Buckeyes were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Hunted.

2. LSU
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: I met Les Miles fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this football coach, with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the devil's eyes. I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that man's eyes was purely and simply...evil. Yeah. Good luck with THAT, Nick Saban.

If the Tigers were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: The Werewolf of Fever Swamp, It Came from Beneath the Sea Level! , The Blob That Ate Everyone, Are You Terrified Yet?, or The Awakening Evil.

If the Tigers were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of Bigfoot Ridge.

3. BOSTON COLLEGE
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Two touchdowns in the last two minutes after 58 scoreless minutes of humiliation at Tech? A man wouldn't do that. This isn't a man. Is Matt Ryan the boogeyman? As a matter of fact...he is.

If the Eagles were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Tick, Tock, You're Dead, Deep Trouble, The Cuckoo Clock of Doom, or Sweetheart Evil Heart.

If the Eagles were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Time Trap.

4. OREGON
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: The Ducks are inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger them. Death has come to your little town, Carroll.

If the Ducks were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Attack of the Mutant or I Am Your Evil Twin.

5. ARIZONA STATE
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Apocalypse, End of the World, Armageddon. It always has a face and a name. This weekend, its name was Berkeley. ASU came real close a time or two. Too damn close! You can't kill damnation, Mister. It don't die like a man dies!

If the Sun Devils were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Be Afraid--Be Very Afraid.

6. OKLAHOMA
LAURIE STRODE SAYS:
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: If that wasn't Sam Bradford and Malcolm Kelly burning up in that car, a lot more people are going to be slaughtered this season.
LEE CORSO: They're dead. You saw it.
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: I saw two man in helmets!! I have to be sure.
LEE CORSO: You talk about them as if they're some kind of animals.
DENNIS FRANCHIONE: They were an obsession with me until I realized there neither reason nor understanding or anything about them that was... even remotely human. An hour ago I stood up and fired six shots into them and they just got up and walked away. I am talking about the real possibility that their BCS title hopes are STILL OUT THERE! And we face them NEXT WEEK!

7. WEST VIRGINIA
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Steve and Pat are running amok!! Amok, amok, amok, amok, amok!!! (Oof.)

8. MISSOURI
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Somewhere in Missouri, a virgin lit the Black Flame candle. That is the only explanation for this.

If Mizzou were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Deep In The Jungle Of Doom.

9. KANSAS
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: Sly does it. Tiptoe catspaws. Slide and creep.
But why? What for? How? Who? When! Where did it all begin?

If the Jayhawks were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Revenge of the Lawn Gnomes.

10. HAWAII
LAURIE STRODE SAYS: We're not talking about any ordinary quarterback. We are talking about evil on two legs. Colt Brennan has cast a spell on you, and now you're his.

If the Warriors were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Be Careful What You Wish For or Calling All Creeps.

MISC...

FLORIDA
GAINESVILLE SHERIFF: I got a town full of beer bellies running around in the dark with shot guns! Who's gonna be next?!?

If the Gators were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Stay Out of the SEC East Basement, Welcome To Camp Nightmare, One Day at Horrorland , A Shocker on Shock Street, Go to Your Tomb - Right Now!, or How I Got My Shrunken Heisman Hopes.

If the Gators were an Are You Afraid Of The Dark? episode, they would be: The Tale of the Unexpected Visitor or The Tale of the Season Reanimator.

GEORGIA
A long, long time ago, it was a night of great power. When the days grew short, the spirits of the dead, returned to their homes to warm themselves by the fire's side. All across the land, huge bonfires were lit. Ohhh, there was a marvelous cocktail party. People danced, and they played games, and they dressed up in costumes, hoping to ward off the evil spirits. Especially the boogey man.

If the Bulldogs were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: The Barking Ghost, How To Kill A Monster, or Revenge R Us.

MARYLAND
In order to appease the gods, the Druid priests held fire rituals. Prisoners of war, criminals, the insane, animals... were... burned alive in baskets. By observing the way they died, the Druids believed they could see omens of the future. Two thousand years later, we've come no further. I experienced all these things when I found the darkness inside myself this weekend at the University of Maryland's College Park. Regardless of the fact that I wanted to slaughter the entire Clemson team and fanbase, that game was one of the Top 5 Football Experiences of my life. Maryland has an INCREDIBLE atmosphere (seats on the 45, Row 2, Maryland sideline did not hurt; nor did repeatedly getting hugged by Testudo [fear the turtle!]). Seriously: great, great time. Go Terps!! (Side note: did you know that Chris Turner, backup QB, has a head of hair that puts Frodo Baggins to shame? Chris Turner: call me!)

LOU HOLTZ
I prayed that he would burn in hell. But in my heart, I knew that hell would not have him.

If Lou Holtz were an R.L. Stine title, he would be: Secret Agent Grandma, Please Don't Feed The Vampire, or The Girl Who Cried Monster.

TENNESSEE
It's time. It's time. Time for the big giveaway. Halloween has come. All you lucky kids with Steve Spurrier visors, gather 'round your TV set, put on your masks and watch. All witches, all skeletons, all Jack-O-Lanterns, gather 'round and watch. Watch the magic pumpkin. Watch... It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare.

If the Vols were an R.L. Stine title, they would be: Beast From The East or Escape From The Carnival Of Horrors.

Who ya got??

Scared awake by the use of BAT NOISES to signal commercial breaks on Sunday NFL Countdown, but I'm too wiped out from last night to contribute much of anything. Here's Joan instead:

[Scene: The Giants prepare for their London game against Miami.]

ELI MANNING: [Sketching furiously] This charcoal image of Buckingham Palace is going to be perfect for my RISD admissions portfolio!!

PLAXICO BURRESS: Eli, what the hell. You're supposed to be our quarterback, not a street caricature artist.

ELI MANNING: [Trying to hide tears] My mom says I can be anything I want to be!!

PLAXICO BURRESS: [Coolly] And your father?

ELI MANNING: [Silence]

MICHAEL STRAHAN: [Grinning] BIG BEN CRUMPETS LOTS OF RAIN!!

AMANI TOOMER: You know, the sociopolitical culture of Great Britain is really a fascinating study. The European fingers of colonialism had a long and cruel reach...

MICHAEL STRAHAN: [Jumping, clapping] FISH AND CHIPS HARRY POTTER WE HATE FRANCE!

JEREMY SHOCKEY: [Screaming forcefully] Get out of here, you damned Redcoats!! DON'T TREAD ON ME!

COACH COUGHLIN: [Trying to reach him] Sshhh, Jeremy, calm down...calm down. We're in THEIR country.

JEREMY SHOCKEY: FREEDOM ISN'T FREE, COACH. I'M FROM THE U. THA U!!

MICHAEL STRAHAN: Bad teeth!

ELI MANNING: [As raindrop falls on his sketch book] Damn it...[beginning to cry, rubbing page furiously] DAMN IT....

JEREMY SHOCKEY: I'LL TAKE ALL YOUR FUCKING TEA!

Giants over Dolphins.

Today in BLOOD MAKES THE GRASS GROW Theatre

Cheering interests in bold:

West Fuckin' Virginia @ Rutgers
Colorado @ Texas Tech
USC @ Oregon*
Georgia vs. Florida**
Nebraska @ Texas
Clemson @ Maryland
Minnesota @ Michigan***
South Carolina @ Tennessee
Cal @ Arizona State****

Ask Sutekh.

Dear Sutekh,

I like to sleep but hate to go to bed. What should I do?

Perplexed

Dear Reader,

Thine enemy the Serpent hath been given over to the fire. The Serpent- fiend Sebau hath fallen headlong, his forelegs are bound in chains, and his hind legs hath Ra carried away from him. The Sons of Revolt shall never more rise up. The House of the Aged One keepeth festival, and the voices of those who make merry are in the Great Place. The gods rejoice when they see Ra crowned upon his throne, and when his beams flood the world with light.

no news

You may have noticed all this going on. The LA Times' breaking news blog updates fairly regularly if anyone's following. I'm totally fine and don't live near anything currently ablaze; work is closer but that fire's more under control than the others. Some friends were not so lucky, though; please keep them in your thoughts and consider helping out.

Update from LAT:

American Red Cross: Cash donations can be made through www.redcross.org or through a local Red Cross chapter. Volunteers also are needed. Information on shelter locations can be found on Red Cross websites for Los Angeles, Ventura, Orange and San Diego counties and the Inland Empire. Donations of clothing can be made at Goodwill locations. Information: (800) REDCROSS or (800) 257-7575 for Spanish speakers.

Salvation Army: Cash contributions can be made through www.salvationarmy-socal.org or by calling (800) SALARMY.

Governor's Office of Emergency Services: Businesses wishing to donate large quantities of goods for distribution to fire victims can call (800) 750-2858 between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m. Pacific time. Individuals wanting to donate items or volunteer to help with local disaster response efforts should contact the Red Cross or go to the governor's CaliforniaVolunteers website at www.californiavolunteers.org.

United Health Group: Southern Californians coping with the emotional consequences of the fires can call a counseling hotline at (866) 342-6892. The free service provided by the insurance company will be available around the clock for as long as needed.

The Los Angeles Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals: Cash donations are needed to support efforts to provide emergency shelter for animals displaced by the fires. Contributions can be made through www.spcala.com or by calling (888) SPCALA1. Food supplies also are needed.

New Leash on Life: The animal rescue group needs help caring for evacuated pets at its Newhall facility. The group can be contacted at (661) 255-0097.

Hello, Clarice: NCAA Week 9

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Note for the drowsy: I didn't write this one. I just do the pretty pictures. And about twelve people will read this, so cool it with the hate mail, assholes.]

I am proud to present the First Annual Silence of the Lambs Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 8 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of lotions being put into baskets. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Thomas Harris, Moth Collections, Yipping Dogs That Won't Shut Their Traps, And Coach That One Guy With The Face, You Know, That Guy Who Plays The Prison Doctor, And He's Been In Everything Ever, But I Don't Know His Name.

2. LSU
DR.LECTER SAYS: Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. Bring nothing into the stadium but soft paper - no pencils or pens. No staples or paperclips in the paper. Use the sliding food carrier, no exceptions. If they attempt to pass you anything, do not intercept it. Do you understand me? Glenn Dorsey is a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Dorsey is our most prized asset. I can tell you with some authority that next week's LSU-Bama matchup is literally the most important thing to happen in either state since Reconstruction, and regardless of the outcome, large portions of each state will burn.

4. OREGON
DR. LECTER SAYS: Johnathan Stewart is not a man. He began as one, but now he is becoming more than a man, as you will witness. With his 251 yards rushing and 2 TDs, he's looking pretty prepared for the horrible two-week stretch they're going into.

5. ARIZONA STATE
DR. LECTER SAYS:
KEEGAN HARRING: I am the Dragon. And you call me insane. You are privy to a great becoming, but you recognize nothing. To me, you are a slug in the sun. You are an ant in the afterbirth. It is your nature to do one thing correctly. Before me, you rightly tremble. But, fear is not what you owe me. You owe me awe.

It's nice that John Elway's son committed to the Sun Devils. Maybe that will comfort them after their hideous four-week stretch featuring Cal, Oregon, UCLA, and USC. Incidentally, does "Sun Devils" make you think of that one really aggressive land in Mario where the sun would swing down in an arc and try to kill you?

6. OKLAHOMA
DR. LECTER SAYS: Look for severe childhood disturbances associated with violence. Our Sam wasn't born a criminal, Clarice. He was made one through years of systematic abuse. Bradford hates his own identity, you see, but his pathology is a thousand times more savage and more terrifying.

8. VIRGINIA TECH
DR. LECTER SAYS:
BRANDEN ORE: [watching as Matt Ryan walks jauntily down the street] I do wish we could chat longer, but... I'm having an old friend for dinner. Bye.
CHRIS FOWLER: [urgently] Mr. Ore?...Mr. Ore? Mr. Ore?...

9. KANSAS
DR. LECTER SAYS: A census taker once tried to test Coach Mangino. He ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

10. SOUTH FLORIDA
Iron sulfide, also known as fool's gold. I should have known that having a ridiculous team at the top was too good to last.

MISC...

CAL
Dear Cal, I have followed with enthusiasm the course of your disgrace and public shaming. My own never bothered me, except for the inconvenience of being all but out of the SEC race. But you may lack perspective. Who can say why UCLA was able to beat them? Best thing for them, really. Their therapy was going nowhere.

KENTUCKY-FLORIDA
TONY JOINER: It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.
DICKY LYONS JR: Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they pay it.
TONY JOINER: It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. [scratching Tebow's head] Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the hose!
DICKY LYONS JR: Okay... okay... okay. Mister, if you let me go, I won't - I won't press charges I promise. See, my dad is a real important person here at Kentucky... I guess you already know that.

LOU HOLTZ
There are three major centers for transsexual surgery - Johns Hopkins, University of Minnesota, and Columbus Medical Center.

Tick tock, Clarithe.

Laff Riot 51: Abigail Adams: Patriot, Mother, Bitch.

9:11:36 PM Livia: jay and i are going to endless shrimp tomorrow
9:11:54 PM Nastinchka: Whose purse will be lined with aluminum foil? I have to know.
9:12:05 PM Livia: if he can somehow eat more coconut shrimpies than me, that will be the equivalent of stanford-usc
9:12:14 PM Livia: Stewart's.
9:12:23 PM Nastinchka: I expect a call.
9:13:13 PM Livia: I expect to remove my own appendix in the Red Lobster bathroom to make more room for shrimp.
9:13:25 PM Nastinchka: You're a soldier, baby.
9:13:37 PM Livia: We ride together, we die together.
9:13:52 PM Livia: Remember when Jay and I went through that phase where we composed different shrimp-themed musical numbers?
9:14:04 PM Nastinchka: HOW COULD I FORGET.
9:14:15 PM Nastinchka: Not my driving a shrimp fork into my eardrum, believe me.
9:14:41 PM Livia: The highlight was either "Shrimp! Unh! Good God, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely EVERY-THING" or "There's a place for shrimp/A time and place for shrimp"
9:16:29 PM Livia: "Get a fork and we're halfway there/ Get your purse and I'll meeeeeeeet you theeeeeeeeere"
9:16:50 PM Nastinchka: scampi and garlic and baaaaatter fried
9:16:53 PM Nastinchka: cooococut
9:16:57 PM Nastinchka: and BUUUUUUTTERFLIIEED
9:16:59 PM Nastinchka: *dance break*
9:17:12 PM Nastinchka: (3/4 time dance break)
9:17:18 PM Livia: (Puerto Rican clapping)
9:17:27 PM Nastinchka: (5/4 time dance break)
9:17:41 PM Livia: (sound of jerome robbins popping pills)

6:03:02 PM TC: I was involved in a conversation similiar to that (less the necromancy) in college, and I was the only one weirded out by it, and no one could figure out why I wasn't playing along as much, until one of them blurted out "Oh, RIGHT: you think it's a SACRAMENT! Hahahaha!"
6:03:28 PM TC: Oh, Catholic upbringing, will you never stop making my life awkward?

0:31:55 PM Nastinchka: Guess what ABC West aired instead of Notre Dame?
10:32:08 PM Nastinchka: Degrassi Next Generation Marathon.
10:32:12 PM Swindle: No
10:32:15 PM Nastinchka: YES.
10:32:21 PM Swindle: Unholy
10:32:25 PM Nastinchka: I did not get to see the carnage.
10:32:37 PM Nastinchka: Last year instead of USC Nebraska I got Suite Life of Zack and Cody.
10:32:38 PM Swindle: I've been drinking heavily
10:32:51 PM Nastinchka: It could not have been gayer if they had aired That's So Raven.
10:33:11 PM Swindle: Or the fourth quarter of Tennessee-Florida.

7:38:00 PM 'Box: I thought you hated the Poke feature. Also, I forgot to mention this to you, probably because I've been a knob, but I really loved your cut/paste poetry sequel
7:38:12 PM Nastinchka: I do.
7:38:30 PM Nastinchka: see, the thing about you being a knob.
7:38:37 PM Nastinchka: Is that you recognize that you are a a knob readily.
7:38:40 PM Nastinchka: But it never
7:38:40 PM Nastinchka: ever
7:38:41 PM Nastinchka: ever
7:38:42 PM Nastinchka: changes.
7:38:46 PM Nastinchka: *incoherent sobbing*
7:38:48 PM Nastinchka: I GIVE
7:38:50 PM Nastinchka: AND I GIVE
7:38:51 PM 'Box: would it help if I said I"mhahhahahahaha
7:38:58 PM 'Box: I was going to type and you reduce me to thahahahahahaha
7:39:08 PM 'Box: no seriously, you're my daily goddamned hero
7:39:20 PM 'Box: I've just been really busy and lovelorn and at a job that makes me physically tired
7:39:26 PM Nastinchka: Tough.
7:39:39 PM 'Box: well. that's more or less what I expected to hear

5:11:42 PM Grubby: So. Miss's punter has a tiny little tattoo on his tiny little arm
5:11:43 PM Grubby: its so cute
5:11:54 PM Grubby: smaller than a business card
5:12:02 PM Nastinchka: twee!
5:12:05 PM Nastinchka: I bet it's a hummingbird
5:12:13 PM Grubby: this is the kinda coverage you just dont get on WIVK

During....some heartbreaking loss. I dunno. There were SO MANY.
1:13:41 PM Nastinchka: Oh, it is definitely time to go see MGoBlog's open thread.
1:14:41 PM Janie: *runs*
1:17:14 PM Janie: out of nowhere:
1:17:20 PM Janie: "Our crowd needs to take a page from ODB's rant at the start of "Brooklyn Zoo" to get pumped up before cheers."
1:17:35 PM Janie: When I think Ol' Dirty Bastard, I think Michigan.
1:18:21 PM Nastinchka: MICHIGAN IS FROM THE STREETS.

4:25:19 PM Jeebsy: I don't like it when my sweet girl feels bad.
4:25:33 PM Nastinchka: What about when I feel bad??
4:25:44 PM Jeebsy: That either.
4:25:44 PM Nastinchka: *blinkblink*
4:25:49 PM Nastinchka: At least I still have my sass.
4:25:59 PM Jeebsy: IT's the last thing to go.
4:26:24 PM Jeebsy: When you don't have your sass, I'll know it's time to make "the call" to OR.
4:27:45 PM Jeebsy: You're no good to me dead, sassafrass.
4:27:59 PM Nastinchka: That makes me sound like your sidekick in a western.
4:28:01 PM Nastinchka: I approve.
4:28:13 PM Jeebsy: You're no sidekick, darlin. You're the leading lady.
4:28:24 PM Jeebsy: If anything, I'm your henchman.
4:28:27 PM Nastinchka: I'm just saying, I like sassafrass.
4:28:31 PM Jeebsy: With a heart of coal.
4:28:32 PM Nastinchka: I get all the good lines.
4:28:40 PM Jeebsy: That you do.
4:28:47 PM Nastinchka: But you get the whores.
4:29:08 PM Jeebsy: Meh. So long as they deal me cards and make me bourbon, s'ok.
4:29:28 PM Nastinchka: WHORES THAT CAN MAKE BOURBON!
4:29:31 PM Nastinchka: There's our business model!
4:29:41 PM Jeebsy: I know!

10:45:24 AM Nastinchka: too early to type right.
10:46:08 AM Momma: it needs its beauty sleep
10:46:18 AM Nastinchka: Even though it is VERY PRETTY
10:46:39 AM Momma: and its baton is on fire

6:57:13 PM PB: Sigh
6:59:19 PM PB: How could ANYTHING be cathartic after you lose to Appy State? At home? In the season opener? The year you were supposed to contend for the national title?
6:59:52 PM Nastinchka: I am wallowing in his pain.
7:00:05 PM Nastinchka: Like crushing grapes for wine in onea' them bigass barrells.
7:00:07 PM Nastinchka: barrels
7:00:09 PM Nastinchka: *hic*

3:56:23 PM Nastinchka: I guess I could find some trips closer to home, go to a USC/UCLA game
3:56:32 PM Nastinchka: but there is just no CFB atmosphere anywhere in LA
3:56:46 PM Nastinchka: so instead I'm drinking a root beer float with 4 shots of skyy in it.
3:57:00 PM Jeebsy: That's the spirit. If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.
3:57:17 PM Nastinchka: Or get GamePlan.

5:30:48 PM 'Box: OH OH OH
5:30:56 PM 'Box: I saw your Mom at Kroger yesterday
5:31:06 PM Nastinchka: AWWW!
5:31:23 PM 'Box: We passed each other simultaneously giving a mean stare until we recognized each other. We didn't make a single sound until we hugged.
5:31:35 PM 'Box: it was sweet.

11:19:14 AM Nastinchka: Announcer: "This is an area where Eli has struggled"
11:19:18 AM Nastinchka: What, playing quarterback?

6:03:53 AM Nastinchka: I....I don't remember ghostwriting for the WWL.
6:04:00 AM Nastinchka: Pasquarelli: " In a blowout in which the final score is 41-10, it's hard to identify a turning point, a precise snapshot where momentum charges inexorably in one franchise's direction. But for Colts coach Tony Dungy, there was no mystery about when Big Mo' moved to his sideline and established squatter's rights there."
6:04:40 AM Swindle: Pasquarelli is a tool
6:04:53 AM Swindle: A lardwrench, to be precise
6:05:29 AM Nastinchka: He's a Hutt.
6:06:18 AM Swindle: EH LENNYNOBATHA
6:06:24 AM Swindle: (eats frog)

9:56:23 AM PB: Yeah. I really do hate most of the gunners in my class, too. I'm sure some, though, are just into the material, like I am. Some, though, are clearly just gunning for top grades so they can get top jobs with top firms, blah blah die in a fire
9:57:06 AM Nastinchka: They call it a rat race because it's full of rats, darlin'. You just concentrate on being Indiana Jones (it is too early for metaphor).

3:04:30 PM Livia: Because I am dying to go back to New Orleans, but there is really no one else that I really want to go with
3:04:52 PM Nastinchka: And I have NEVER BEEN
3:05:28 PM Livia: And it would be dangerous and not fun to go alone.
3:06:16 PM Livia: Maybe if I took Squidley
3:06:31 PM Nastinchka: Not with ten thousand pink octopi could you do this.
3:06:56 PM Nastinchka: (Wait, that's not entirely true.)
3:07:31 PM Livia: Let's find out.

8:51:45 PM Spawn: : whyyyy can't I think of a single housing/uva regulation that prohibits strippers in the common room !!?!
8:51:44 PM Nastinchka: ...the interstate commerce act?
8:52:07 PM Spawn: unfortunately I think she's originating in charlottesville

110:56:18 AM Nastinchka: Have I ever told you about my aunt that may be the Mothman?
10:56:29 AM PB: ?!?
10:57:12 AM Nastinchka: Guess not.
10:57:19 AM Nastinchka: But boy was that a fun sentence to type.

8:02:41 PM Nastinchka: Him, I would do.
8:02:46 PM Nastinchka: In a heartbeat.
8:03:01 PM Nastinchka: Which, me being me, means he must NEVER KNOW.
8:03:39 PM Janie: Cracking UP. I know exactly what you mean.
8:03:59 PM Nastinchka: This is actually going to get complicated if it doesn't resolve itself.
8:04:39 PM Nastinchka: Must not allow hot blogger to know you actually would jump his ass.
8:05:15 PM Janie: So, WHEN you two meet, precautions must be taken.
8:05:26 PM Janie: Like, make him put a bag over his head
8:05:30 PM Nastinchka: Or something.
8:05:38 PM Janie: SHARK CAGE
8:05:40 PM Nastinchka: YES
8:05:57 PM Janie: You can circle, but you can't touch.
8:06:12 PM Nastinchka: ....Are we overthinking this?

6:30:23 PM Swindle: Dialogue plausibly asked and answered by Matt Grothe
6:30:33 PM Swindle: "Hey, you go home with that cougar?"
6:30:45 PM Nastinchka: "No, but I got to third with the puma."
6:30:52 PM Swindle: "The real puma"
6:30:59 PM Swindle: "it's like a cat and shit"
6:31:06 PM Swindle: "That's fucking sweet."

8:59:25 PM Nastinchka: Wait, y'all are going?
8:59:37 PM Livia: Not to that game, but to New Orleans, yes.
8:59:43 PM Nastinchka: Why didn't you tell me I woulda met you!
8:59:49 PM Livia: HOLLY
8:59:54 PM Livia: I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS THREE MONTHS AGO
8:59:56 PM Livia: YOU SAID YOU COULDN'T COME!
9:00:02 PM Nastinchka: OH, you mean to the Saints game
9:00:03 PM Livia: BECAUSE OF THE BAMA GAME!
9:00:10 PM Nastinchka: I thought you meant Saturday
9:00:17 PM Livia: Yeah, we'll be there then too.
9:00:20 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, I'll have family stuff to do
9:00:24 PM Livia: We're gonna drink and eat our weight in gumbo all day.
9:00:29 PM Livia: And watch every single game.
9:00:39 PM Nastinchka: So close, yet unable to pet your nose. It's like that one movie where Michelle Pfeiffer turns into a bird at sunset.
9:00:48 PM Livia: What the fuck?
9:00:51 PM Livia: When does she do that?
9:01:02 PM Nastinchka: Ladyhawke! HelLO.
9:01:10 PM Nastinchka: (I may be making this up. Google it.)
9:01:12 PM Livia: I have never heard of this.
9:01:16 PM Livia: Is this like the Mant?
9:01:20 PM Nastinchka: IT IS COMING OUT OF THAT SCREEN ANY MINUTE.
9:01:28 PM Livia: "Shit, the credits are rolling...wait!"
9:02:02 PM Nastinchka: [hissssssssssss]

Sweet Home Muffins, Going Down Like

See y'all Monday. I'll be back where I belong for two days and nights, and not a minute too soon.

The most wonderful time of the year.

clearly meant to be

Guess what's coming back to a theater near you? If you missed out last year, don't make the same mistake this October. I can't recommend this experience highly enough.

Not When I Can Get Spiders: NCAA Week 8

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Note for the drowsy: I didn't write this one. I just do the pretty pictures. And about twelve people will read this, so cool it with the hate mail, assholes.]

I am proud to present the First Annual Movie Monsters NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 7 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of time-lapse photography in which wolf hairs slowly sprout out of someone's face. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Christopher Lee, Bela Lugosi, The Hack Screenwriters That Can't Make It In Any Other Genre Guild, People Who Eat Bugs, And Coach Asshole That Decided To Make Van Helsing, The Worst Movie In The History Of Filmmaking, But Also The One That Brought The Most Tears Of Unintentional Joy To My Eyes, Largely Due To The Atrocious Vampire (Excuse Me, Vampyre) Effects, So Thanks, Asshole.

It's a perfect night for mystery and horror. The air itself is filled with monsters. Lofty timbers, the walls around are bare, echoing to our laughter as though the dead were there... Quaff a cup to the teams dead already, hooray for the next to die! The spiders are spinning their webs for the unwary fly. This season is CRAZY! It's crazy! All the pollsters are crazy except you and me. Sometimes I have my doubts about you.

The blood is the life, BCS rankings. The blood is the LIFE.

1. SOUTH FLORIDA
IGOR SAYS: Even a man who is pure in heart and says his prayers by night, may become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms and the autumn moon is bright. The werewolf is neither man nor wolf, but a Satanic creature with the worst qualities of both. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Grothe!

2. OHIO STATE
IGOR SAYS: Among the rugged peaks that crown down upon the Borgo Pass are found crumbling stadiums of a bygone age. This team isn't even as good as they were last year, and they weren't all that great then. Now, I know that every other poll has Ohio State at the top. I know we're in the Season Of The Upset, but seriously: YSU, Akron, Washington, Northwestern, Minnesota, Purdue, and Kent State? I could cobble together a team consisting of Teri Hatcher, Seth Rogen, and the Muppet Babies, quarterbacked by a patchwork quilt, and beat those teams by 140 points. Just because Ohio State is the last big-name unbeaten doesn't mean they should automatically rise to the top.

3. BOSTON COLLEGE
IGOR SAYS: Their schedule will force them to deal with forces beyond all human experience, and enormous power. So guard yourselves well. Otherwise, your precious season will become a bitch of the Devil! A whore of darkness! I really think BC will lose either this Thursday, at Virginia Tech, or in the next few weeks, at Maryland. (FEAR THE TURTLE!!!!!)

4. LSU
IGOR SAYS: I heard dogs howling. And when the dream came, it seemed the whole room was filled with mist. It was so thick, I could just see the lamp by the bed, a tiny spark in the fog. And then I saw two red eyes glaring at me. And a white livid face came down out of the mist. It came closer and closer. I felt its breath on my face and then its lips as it sacked me... oh!

5. SOUTH CAROLINA
IGOR SAYS:
REPORTER: How did Spurrier recruit you, get you to come to South Carolina?
SMELLEY: He came and stood below my window in the moonlight. And he promised me things, not in words, but by doing them.
REPORTER: Doing them?
SMELLEY: By making them happen. A red mist spread over the lawn, coming on like a flame of fire! And then he parted it, and I could see that there were thousands of rats, with their eyes blazing red, like his, only smaller. Then he held up his hand, and they all stopped, and I thought he seemed to be saying: "Rats! Rats! Rats! Thousands! Millions of them! All red-blood! All these will I give you! If you will obey me!"
SPURRIER: [smugly] I?m going to TRANSFORM him, and unleash the savage instincts that lie hidden within... and then I'll be judged the benefactor.

6. KENTUCKY
IGOR SAYS: And may I say that Mister Andre is hotter than a June bride riding bareback buck naked in the middle of the Sahara!

RICH BROOKS: I am Dracula.
LES MILES: Oh, it's really good to see you. I don't know what happened to the team bus driver and my luggage and... Well, and with all this [gesturing towards the wasteland that is Lexington], I thought I was in the wrong place.
RICH BROOKS: I bid you welcome.
[Brooks goes down to the sideline. Miles starts to follow him. Suddenly, they hear wild howling from the student section.]
RICH BROOKS: [Smiling creepily, spreading arms wide] Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make.

7. ARIZONA STATE
IGOR SAYS:
ARIZONA STATE: Get back in the cellar of the Pac-10! [Insane crowing]
WASHINGTON: I prefer to remain and protect those whom you would destroy.
ARIZONA STATE: You are too late. My blood now flows through their veins.
WASHINGTON: We know how to save Cal, Oregon, and USC's souls if not their seasons: by selflessly sacrificing ourselves.
ARIZONA STATE: If they die by day. But I shall see that they die by night.

8. WEST VIRGINIA
IGOR SAYS: Look! It's moving. It's alive. It's alive... It's alive, it's moving, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, it's alive, ITS ALIVE! Oh, in the name of God! [wild cackling]

9. OKLAHOMA
IGOR SAYS: Oklahoma is not in the SEC. Their ways are not our ways. And to us there shall be many strange things. Of the one-loss teams who inexplicably choked against inferior teams (I still love you, Ralphie), Oklahoma is the only one who has played strongly enough to convince me that they still have a shot at this.

10. OREGON
IGOR SAYS: Do you believe in destiny? That even the powers of time can be altered for a single purpose? That the luckiest man who walks upon this earth is the one who turns on his TV to find...that the only team he lost to just committed suicide on national television? Oregon is so back in this thing.

MISC...
TENNESSEE
The strength of the vampire is that you will not believe in him. SEC!!! SEC!!!

CAL
KEVIN RILEY: [weeping at Jeff Tedford's feet] I'm loyal to you, Master, I am your slave, I didn't betray you! I didn't ignore your instructions and decide to run a play on my own! Oh, no, don't! Don't kill me! Let me live, please! Punish me, torture me, but let me live! I can't die with all those lives on my conscience! All that blood on my hands!

Just in case anyone needed a reminder, I have been saying since the preseason that Cal would find a way to blow it. Love me.

CINCINNATI
Poor old Cincinnati. Have you never wanted to do anything that was dangerous? Where should we be if no one tried to find out what lies beyond? Have your never wanted to look beyond the clouds and the stars, or to know what causes the trees to bud? And what changes the darkness into light? But if you talk like that, people call you crazy. Well, if I could discover just one of these things, what eternity is, for example, I wouldn't care if they did think I was crazy.

LOU HOLTZ
Yes, I speak, and read, and think, and know the ways of men. Alone: bad. On television: good!

WISCONSIN
The way you walked was thorny, through no fault of your own, but as the rain enters the soil, the river enters the sea, so tears run to a predestined end. Your suffering is over, Bielema my son. Now you will find peace.

AUBURN
I have the perfect explanation for how Auburn has totally bounced back from their embarrassing 2-2 start to completely humiliate Florida and Arkansas (also as I predicted). Whoever is bitten by a werewolf will become a werewolf himself! The South Florida wolf bit them, didn't it? Mystery solved.

THE BCS
The poll system is on the verge of destroying itself. The only hope for the human race is to hurl it back into its primitive norm, to start all over again. What's one life compared to such a triumph?

ARKANSAS
Now that you have learned what you have learned, it would be well for you to return to your own country.

GEORGIA
There are far worse things awaiting man than death. Like a victory so improbably snatched from the jaws of defeat that the Bulldogs felt the need to dance on the V at midfield...for beating...VANDERBILT. Way to celebrate your inferiority, Dawgs. Nice.

USC
The Trojans are not a random victim, attacked by mere accident, you understand? No. They are willing recruits, breathless followers, wanton followers. I dare say, devoted disciples. They deserve their 14th ranking. They are the Devil's concubine!

Fuck You, Nabisco.

Since leaving the office an hour and a half ago:

• Get in car. Sox down 6-0.
• Get on freeway. Sox down 7-0.
• Pull into grocery store parking lot. Back to back to back homers. 7-3. Am scared to leave car, but out of toothpaste. Make a break for it.
• See 2 for $5 Cakesters upon entering store. Have yet to sample Cakesters, the subject of approximately four hundred Ladies... emails in the last month, and whose divinity or vileness is a point of great contention amongst same. Ponder possibility of Rally Cakesters. Purchase, return to car, eat one pack immediately. Feel sick. Two scoreless innings follow.
• Get home. Meet and share elevator with jaw-droppingly, heartbreakingly gorgeous boy in Boston cap. Excitedly trade game updates. Ponder possibility of Rally Screw; decide if we win I will sleep with him (y'know, for luck).
• Deposit remaining Cakesters in trash can.
• Remainder of innings scoreless. Sox lose, 7-3.
• Shower, don shorty robe, grab two beers, and head downstairs. (What? This team needs all the luck it can get.)

Laff Riot 50: In Which We Are So Fucking Outta Here.

5:18:08 PM Nastinchka: Listen, I know this could never ever work
5:18:10 PM Nastinchka: but
5:18:15 PM Nastinchka: I had this dream
5:18:19 PM Nastinchka: where you and I moved to [city redacted]
5:18:25 PM Nastinchka: and completely took over the theatre scene
5:18:32 PM Nastinchka: and never said a word to __________
5:18:34 PM Nastinchka: just let him find out when he strolled in for an audition
5:18:43 PM Nastinchka: "We've been here for three years and have a critically acclaimed repertory company. Hey, how's the bar business?"
5:18:52 PM Livia: I thought this would end with "opened a roadside stand and sold tennessee ham"
5:19:03 PM Livia: but i still like it.
5:19:06 PM Nastinchka: No. He's not worth the tarp we'd need to roll his body in before throwing it in the lake.
5:19:14 PM Livia: How true.
5:19:17 PM Nastinchka: I....I think I just had a moment there.
5:19:23 PM Livia: Breakthrough!

5:35:45 PM Nastinchka: I can't even fathom how much more writing we could do, back together.
5:35:54 PM Livia: I KNOW
5:35:58 PM Nastinchka: QUACK ATTACK IS BACK, JACK!
5:36:02 PM Livia: We're not reaching our potential.
5:36:09 PM Livia: QUACK
5:36:25 PM Nastinchka: ....
5:36:28 PM Nastinchka: quack.
5:36:42 PM Livia: Quack.
5:36:56 PM Nastinchka: (I resent this already)......quack
5:37:16 PM Livia: QUACK.
5:37:16 PM Nastinchka: etc, etc.
5:37:19 PM Nastinchka: ...dammit.
5:37:21 PM Nastinchka: QUACK.
5:37:23 PM Livia: (Music swells)
5:37:33 PM Nastinchka: quack
5:37:34 PM Nastinchka: quack
5:37:35 PM Nastinchka: quack
5:37:36 PM Livia: When the winds are blowing and the skies are dark?
5:37:36 PM Nastinchka: quack
5:37:39 PM Livia: DUCKS FLY TOGETHER.
5:37:48 PM Nastinchka: goooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOO
5:38:04 PM Livia: Oh, Pacey.
5:38:10 PM Nastinchka: ....FINISH THIS.
5:38:18 PM Livia: DUCKS!
5:38:43 PM Livia: This is a distraction. This is a fire in a barrel. This is a distraction in a fire in a barrel. Any questions?
5:39:38 PM Livia: (Jeremy Shockey voice) DUCKS FLY TOGETHER!
5:39:58 PM Livia: I think Jeremy Shockey watches those movies weekly. It would help explain the insane light in his eyes.
5:40:40 PM Nastinchka: I bet he has a Gordon Bombay jersey and a Fathead of Lane Smith.
5:40:48 PM Livia: And I think when he savagely hits someone, he gets up in their face and screams GOLDBERG.
5:41:04 PM Livia: I want a Gordon Bombay jersey for my wedding gift.
5:41:06 PM Livia: Make a note of it.
5:41:12 PM Livia: I don't care what you have to do to get it.
5:41:32 PM Nastinchka: That last part goes without saying.
5:42:37 PM Livia: We're team USA, and we're going all the way. I'M FROM THE U, BABY! THE U! (Insane Shockey face)
5:42:51 PM Livia: I adore him.
5:42:59 PM Livia: He's a fucking lunatic.
5:43:29 PM Nastinchka: He's on my all-hottie keeper team
5:43:33 PM Nastinchka: the other girls were scandalized
5:43:58 PM Livia: We only find him attractive because we think he might take us hostage
5:44:17 PM Nastinchka: I'm not seeing the problem here.
5:44:31 PM Livia: Oh, I didn't mean to imply that it was a problem.
5:45:51 PM Livia: He is one of only ten good things to ever come out of the state of Florida.
5:46:03 PM Nastinchka: Go.
5:46:27 PM Livia: Jeremy Shockey
5:46:30 PM Livia: My sister
5:46:36 PM Livia: The fountain of youth (IT COULD BE REAL)
5:46:47 PM Livia: Oranges
5:46:55 PM Nastinchka: You're reaching already.
5:46:57 PM Nastinchka: reggie nelson!
5:47:06 PM Livia: Oranges are not a reach
5:47:21 PM Nastinchka: So we have five.
5:47:49 PM Livia: Yeah, I think that's it.
5:49:27 PM Livia: Let's count the Backstreet Boys as 5. Oh, wait. That would bring us back to zero.
5:49:45 PM Nastinchka: Roller coasters!
5:50:00 PM Livia: Oh, Disney. That makes six.
5:50:06 PM Nastinchka: Universal, bitch.
5:50:12 PM Livia: The Whale What Replaced Shamu is seven.
5:50:15 PM Livia: Universal is 8.
5:51:00 PM Livia: Storm surge waves.
5:51:30 PM Nastinchka: Dolphins?
5:51:44 PM Livia: Little known fact: Jeremy Shockey is 1/4 alligator.
5:51:52 PM Livia: Sure. Dolphins.
5:51:55 PM Nastinchka: Who doesn't know that.
5:51:57 PM Nastinchka: Wait!
5:52:00 PM Nastinchka: My dolphin noise!
5:52:09 PM Livia: Aaaaaand dolphins are disqualified.
5:52:43 PM Nastinchka: OCTOPUS DANCE.
5:52:54 PM Livia: I honestly think Jeremy Shockey is the NFL player most likely to commit murder (next, I mean).
5:53:19 PM Livia: It's that look of vacant happiness he gets after he inflicts pain
5:53:52 PM Livia: It's so endearing. It's like he's a Viking.
5:54:19 PM Nastinchka: A marshmallow viking.
5:56:56 PM Livia: So now we know: only 9 good things ever came out of Florida.
5:57:21 PM Nastinchka: JOAN.
5:57:22 PM Nastinchka: JOAN.
5:57:23 PM Nastinchka: COME ON.
5:57:25 PM Nastinchka: we forgot SHARKS.
5:57:36 PM Nastinchka: We should be ashamed.
5:57:39 PM Livia: can we really just give the credit to florida, though?
5:57:48 PM Nastinchka: They have the most attacks in the US.
5:57:52 PM Nastinchka: I think that's best to keep in mind. Also, their proximity to rocket ships.
5:58:04 PM Livia: True

1:24:19 PM Jeebsy: Guess what I'ma do?
1:24:57 PM Nastinchka: What you'ma do?
1:25:16 PM Jeebsy: Eat a GIANT sandwich and watch Face/Off.
1:25:20 PM Jeebsy: (for the 20th time)
1:25:37 PM Nastinchka: ....STOP CALLING ME PEACH IMMEDIATELY.

3:20:58 PM Nastinchka: Oh, and Momma's screen name is [designing women joke redacted]. Do with that what you will.
3:21:07 PM Livia: Of course it is.
3:23:27 PM Livia: Did she tell your dad about the blog?
3:24:34 PM Nastinchka: Not far as I know.
3:24:43 PM Nastinchka: And somehow, I think I'd hear about it.
3:24:57 PM Livia: Yes, I am tempted to agree.
3:25:17 PM Livia: By the way, I LOVED the part where the writer expressed sympathy for your father ("if you had one")
3:25:24 PM Nastinchka: I KNOW.
3:25:31 PM Livia: That was the part where I thought I was going to actually pee from laughing
3:25:46 PM Livia: They might as well have just addressed the letter "Dear Hoor"
3:26:25 PM Livia: (which is the name of my new greeting card company)
3:26:29 PM Livia: (TM)
3:26:50 PM Nastinchka: All rights reserved, babies.
3:27:12 PM Livia: Wouldn't you rather buy cards from Dear Hoor than Hallmark?
3:28:44 PM Livia: We can even have soundcards, like one that just bellows "fuuuuuuuuuhhhck yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeew!" when you open it
3:30:39 PM Nastinchka: It'll be huge in South Carolina. Like Cheerwine.
3:30:59 PM Livia: i am so in love with the idea of dear hoor right now
3:31:30 PM Livia: I'm telling your mom you'll stop selling yourself if she signs over the lease to the condo. we need it.
4:22:25 PM Nastinchka: You recognize, of course, that once she has your IM name she'll use it.
4:22:27 PM Nastinchka: A lot.
5:00:55 PM Nastinchka: You should just use Gmail chat thingy.
5:01:01 PM Nastinchka: You don't have to have AIM.
5:01:14 PM Nastinchka: ALso, BEEEEILL uses it.
5:01:26 PM Nastinchka: Because I know how important it is for you to have contact with one of my parents at all times.
5:02:10 PM Livia: Oh, you didn't know I'm actually sitting in your house right now. Awkward.
5:02:24 PM Nastinchka: GO OVER THERE AND GET YOUR BIRFDAY PRESENT. IT'S SAT ON THE TABLE BY THE LAUNDRY ROOM SINCE JULY.
5:03:09 PM Nastinchka: The batteries might have run down on it by now and it won't be as terrifying, which would sadden me.
5:03:24 PM Livia: That somehow makes me want to get it less.
5:03:29 PM Nastinchka: Sssshhhhh.
5:10:18 PM Livia: ShmoooOOOooo
5:10:27 PM Livia: LAFF RIOT ME. I...I need it.
5:10:42 PM Livia: Work mean...work smash.
5:10:52 PM Nastinchka: Seriously, I am very nearly Over This.
5:11:28 PM Nastinchka: (Work. Not you.)
5:11:39 PM Nastinchka: i have had about enough of its guff.
5:11:34 PM Livia: (deep breath) COME HOMEAND THEN LETS MOVE TO BOSTON OR NEW ORLEANS OR SOMESUCHPLACE
5:11:51 PM Nastinchka: WE TRIED THAT AND WE STAYED IN KNOXVILLE FOR A YEAR.
5:12:04 PM Livia: WAIT I HAVE A BETTER IDEA
5:12:07 PM Livia: LETS MOVE TO ENGLAND
5:12:12 PM Nastinchka: OKAY.
5:12:32 PM Livia: I wonder if they rent apartments in the Tower of London
5:13:46 PM Nastinchka: I'm still on this Austin idea. We could see REK play, ALL THE TIME.
5:14:35 PM Livia: Also, we could stalk Kyle Chandler up close.
5:14:41 PM Nastinchka: I FORGOT ABOUT THAT.
5:14:46 PM Livia: (Don't post that in case he finds out and hires a bodyguard)
5:15:04 PM Livia: The problem is that most hiring doesn't get done until March at the earliest.
5:15:17 PM Nastinchka: I can't leave till spring anyway.
5:15:19 PM Livia: We need to live together again.
5:15:29 PM Nastinchka: I've been a classic fool.
5:15:33 PM Livia: Neither of us can be truly happy without the other waiting at home in misery.
5:15:34 PM Livia: SHUT UP
5:15:39 PM Livia: DONT QUOTE LOVE ACTUALLY
5:15:43 PM Nastinchka: naaaaa
5:15:45 PM Livia: I WILL KILLLLLL YEEEEEW
5:15:46 PM Nastinchka: naa na na naaaaa
5:15:50 PM Nastinchka: (sing with me)
5:15:53 PM Livia: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
5:15:56 PM Nastinchka: neeow neeow neeow
5:16:20 PM Livia: Why haven't we made a movie called Hate, Actually?!??!?!
5:16:25 PM Nastinchka: Spite, Actually.
5:16:41 PM Livia: "I've got a sneaking suspicion that if you look for it...hate actually is all around." (Cut to Jay)
5:16:56 PM Nastinchka: in the veil with the Romanian accent.

12:51:02 PM Nastinchka: Is it wrong to order a certain kind of fruit salad SOLELY because it comes with an orchid?
12:51:55 PM Momma: no, that would be the BEST reason to order it. it meets your need for visual sensory input.
12:52:09 PM Nastinchka: Making my neuroses sound scientific is your greatest gift as a mother.

5:25:19 PM Nastinchka: And really, i'm opposed to Chicago as well.
5:25:32 PM Livia: too close to rex grossman.
5:25:38 PM Livia: we could be hit by an errant pass at any moment.
5:25:43 PM Nastinchka: Boston would be a distant second choice for me.
5:30:35 PM Livia: But if we live there, Tom Brady might impregnate us.
5:30:42 PM Nastinchka: THIS IS NOT A POSITIVE.
5:30:54 PM Livia: Is gray area.
5:31:13 PM Nastinchka: Hush.

A post that never was, but should have been:
1:50:46 PM Nastinchka: Right off the top of your head:
1:50:49 PM Nastinchka: For the SEC uninitiated
1:50:56 PM Nastinchka: why should we appreciate the Miami Hurricanes?
1:51:00 PM Nastinchka: (LIGHTNING ROUND!)
1:51:28 PM Janie: Hard working players.
1:51:33 PM Nastinchka: No, that's not what we want.
1:51:37 PM Janie: Explosive offense*
1:51:41 PM Nastinchka: Why are they good television?
1:51:50 PM Janie: * not this year
1:52:01 PM Janie: The defense is like a swarm of sharks
1:52:09 PM Janie: playing with an otter before killing it.
1:52:14 PM Nastinchka: YES.
1:52:17 PM Janie: (cue youtubes)
1:52:18 PM Nastinchka: (I love otters.)
1:52:29 PM Janie: (THE BEST ANIMALS AT SEA WORLD)

FTW:
1:50:37 PM Nastinchka: Why should we hate A&M?
1:52:29 PM PB: They are proudly backwards. Simple as that.
1:52:53 PM Nastinchka: You're not good television.
1:53:04 PM Nastinchka: Janie's bringing sharks and otters into this.
1:53:22 PM PB: You want me to talk about the overalls?
1:53:56 PM PB: They are the closest thing to a fascist party that this country has.
1:54:11 PM Nastinchka: Now we're talking.
1:57:56 PM PB: College Station might be worse than South Bend.
1:54:33 PM PB: Their girls look like they were born on the back of a tractor.

In Which Momma Discovers Chat Rooms:
11:43:53 AM Nastinchka: This will end well.
11:44:07 AM Livia: If by "well" you mean "with the downfall of the internets", then yes.
11:44:10 AM Livia: Yes, it will.
11:44:21 AM Nastinchka: How did she figure out how to do this all by herself?
11:45:03 AM Livia: Probably the same way she knew that we wanted zebra-print maribou-trimmed beer cozies for Christmas.
11:45:27 AM Momma: will you be my agent?
11:45:56 AM Livia: Like business agent, or agent of darkness?

5:51:27 PM Nastinchka: JESSE
5:51:36 PM 'Box: hrm
5:51:45 PM Nastinchka: Attending screening with FORREST WHITAKER tomorrow. Which eye do I look at?
5:51:58 PM 'Box: oh dear. Keep your eyes SHUT
5:52:00 PM Nastinchka: I can see your face right now.
5:53:40 PM 'Box: Could you tell him to speak up when he's not screaming, that is, if he decides to return to the shield?
5:54:25 PM Nastinchka: I'll pass it along.
5:54:41 PM 'Box: actually, don't. Like Missy Elliot, this man could kill me easily
5:55:50 PM 'Box: I don't want to be dead, Holly.
5:55:57 PM 'Box: I like being alive
5:56:17 PM Nastinchka: I think it's really selfish of you to deprive me of the possibility of a Zombie!Jesse.
5:56:40 PM 'Box: especially since that would bring me ever closer to finding a Gay/Zombie crossover pun
5:56:51 PM Nastinchka: YES. We need an infiltrator.
5:57:10 PM 'Box: why can't these things just come to me in a dream (like other gay things)?
5:57:25 PM 'Box: why must I be pressed into service
5:57:59 PM 'Box: but anyway, I have to go have delicious toast and jam
5:58:04 PM Nastinchka: 10-4
5:58:18 PM 'Box: IMperial Army BRAiiiiiNNNNss
5:58:39 PM Nastinchka: *grinch-to-cindy-lou-who pat on the head*

11:14:11 AM Nastinchka: WFV is gonna clear 80.
11:15:50 AM Livia: alls i knows is that if coach o wins this game today, i will drive to oxford and personally shake his hand, gibbering unintelligibly in cajun glee.
11:17:02 AM Nastinchka: You know, it's junk food. But I love watching WFV rack up points.
11:17:15 AM Nastinchka: Not any rout, mind. But that offense is a delight to watch.
And the other team is so bad you know it's working perfectly and you just get to enjoy it. it's like a guillotine demo at a state fair. (I don't think I made that up.)
11:17:45 AM Nastinchka: Oh, fuck, we just cut over to Louisville
11:17:54 AM Nastinchka: Which is delightful, but in an entirely different way.
11:19:21 AM Livia: Also, Arkansas. I tried to tell people about Houston Nutt, but they just wouldn't listen!! YOU MOVED THE TOMBSTONES, BUT YOU DIDN'T MOVE THE BODIES, DID YOU!

Do not read blog entries written by your eighteen-year-old self.
7:13:36 PM Nastinchka: I JUST got to one where I USED THE WORD 'SNOWFLAKIES'
7:13:40 PM Nastinchka: like, on PURPOSE.
7:14:18 PM PB: I'd say "Take a shot!" as some sort of punishment, but, it's not clear that this is the solution.

9:29:00 PM Livia: I am really disturbed that I have to live in a world where Poltergeist is on the big screen but neither you or Jesse will be there to see it with me.
9:30:13 PM Livia: And I'll have a great crowd to go with, but who is going to sit on my left and pretend that a clown arm is inching towards me, and who will cuddle me and not feel me up when this happens? Not you and Jesse, that's for sure.
9:30:28 PM Livia: And I find that unacceptable.
9:31:06 PM Nastinchka: When you put it like that, this day takes on a desolate cast.
9:31:18 PM Livia: I KNOW.

5:21:35 PM Nastinchka: JANIE VERNE LUNDQUIST IS LOOKING RIGHT AT ME FROM THE BROADCAST BOOTH
5:21:51 PM Janie: HE IS THINKING ABOUT YOUR BREASTS
5:21:57 PM Nastinchka: gdfzHOW IS THAT HELPFUL
5:22:14 PM Janie: HE WANTS TO MOTORBOAT. HE TOLD ME.
5:22:19 PM Nastinchka: szregkbljkhgle
5:22:26 PM Nastinchka: WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON????????????

4:21:17 PM Livia: Oh, I can't remember if I told you
4:21:25 PM Livia: I'm gonna marry Eric Berry
4:21:39 PM Livia: and we're going to name our children Black, Straw, and Rasp
4:22:06 PM Nastinchka: Rasp is the one that looks like me, right?
4:22:32 PM Livia: I would just love to yell "Hey, BLACK BERRY! Get your ass off that swingset!"
4:23:51 PM Livia: and then we'll save the best name for last
4:23:57 PM Livia: FRANK. Frank N. Berry.
4:24:15 PM Livia: I feel like if I told EB about this, he would totally get on board.

Foolproof plans only produce better fools. Or, in this case, the Houston Texans.
9:53:39 AM Nastinchka: We're two weeks in and HALF my NFL suicide pool is gone.
9:53:48 AM Nastinchka: Like, that's twenty people.
9:53:52 AM PB: Who you got this week
9:53:53 AM Nastinchka: Fucking Bengals.
9:53:58 AM Nastinchka: I haven't decided yet.
9:54:07 AM Nastinchka: I think this might be the only week I can pick Miami.
9:54:32 AM Nastinchka: But god, you just never know this year
9:54:13 AM PB: Who do they play
9:54:16 AM Nastinchka: Jets
9:54:30 AM PB: Do you have to pick a new team each week
9:54:35 AM Nastinchka: Yeah, that's the problem
9:54:41 AM PB: Who have you used
9:54:53 AM Nastinchka: Steelers and Jags
9:56:31 AM Nastinchka: Can't count on Cincy, or Seattle, or Chicago
9:57:32 AM PB: I think you gotta make safe plays early and not worry too much about saving the big guys. If you lose, you're out. And you can better evaluate other weaker teams when we have more data to work with
9:57:49 AM Nastinchka: That is one theory, yes.
9:58:08 AM Nastinchka: But our pool is decimating so fast and I really wanna win so I want to save the sure things.
9:58:22 AM Nastinchka: Because no one else in my group is.
9:58:33 AM Nastinchka: They've all burned those three teams already.
9:58:44 AM PB: Name of the game is survive
9:58:57 AM Nastinchka: [sigh] yes, dear.
9:59:13 AM PB: I'd probably be out already, too. Getting cutesy.
10:01:11 AM PB: I like Carolina over Atlanta
10:01:22 AM Nastinchka: Them too.
10:01:36 AM Nastinchka: I wonder if I can just pick whoever's playing atlanta every week.
10:02:08 AM Nastinchka: Seriously, let me check their schedule.
10:02:27 AM Nastinchka: Dude, I can burn Houston against them next week
10:02:31 AM Nastinchka: and the Titans the week after
10:02:34 AM Nastinchka: but then they play the Giants.
10:02:45 AM Nastinchka: And THAT"s when this turns into the best idea ever.
10:02:49 AM PB: Giants can beat them
10:02:52 AM Nastinchka: I know!
10:02:58 AM Nastinchka: The Giants will beat someone!
10:03:18 AM Nastinchka: then I can pick NO, because I know that's one game they won't fuck up.
10:03:33 AM PB: That could definitely work
10:03:42 AM Nastinchka: I am a genius.
10:03:46 AM Nastinchka: OK, I'm gonna try this.
10:03:50 AM Nastinchka: Carolina it is.

4:48:03 PM Livia: the alabama game is apparently being played in a tornado
4:48:25 PM Nastinchka: huh??
4:48:37 PM Livia: the wind is blowing like fuck all there.
4:48:58 PM Nastinchka: Saban has summoned the elements.
4:49:03 PM Livia: i have already forgotten who i decided to root for
4:49:14 PM Nastinchka: Bama,
4:49:18 PM Nastinchka: But root for the tornado.
4:49:20 PM Livia: "o mighty west wind, i summon you for the sanctification of this game"
4:50:34 PM Livia: i haven't felt right asking the wind for things since ______'s wedding.

5:09:00 PM 'Box: anyways, spliff splaff I is takin' a baff
5:09:29 PM Nastinchka: Bye, ducky.
5:09:32 PM Nastinchka: (see what I did there?)
5:09:40 PM 'Box: you're the one.
5:09:54 PM 'Box: pweviouswy, on Baff Wiot.
5:10:02 PM 'Box: Please kill me
5:10:15 PM Nastinchka: OKAY.
5:10:30 PM 'Box: thank you. I always new it would end this way
5:10:33 PM 'Box: knew
5:10:37 PM Nastinchka: Knice.
5:10:41 PM 'Box: wow. You just can't stab me fast enough
5:11:07 PM Nastinchka: He's my dj, pa.
5:11:09 PM Nastinchka: I'll do it.
5:11:08 PM 'Box: I notice that you are just making me suffer longer than I should have to, simply for your amusement
5:11:21 PM Nastinchka: (you must be new.)
5:11:35 PM 'Box: .....

11:51:36 AM Nastinchka: Explain this "thesis."
11:51:43 AM Livia: IT'S THE DEVIL.
11:51:54 AM Livia: It's actually tried to come out of the computer and kill me twice already.
11:52:05 AM Livia: (it has claws)
11:52:14 AM Nastinchka: Aww, it knows its mummy.
11:54:54 AM Livia: It took all my willpower not to write about LOTR, but I figured that I needed a challenge, and that any thesis I wrote on LOTR would come across as half intellectually brilliant and half Tiger Beat.
11:55:18 AM Nastinchka: Nazgul Beat.
11:56:25 AM Livia: Did you know that for one of my Tolkien class journals last year, I wrote a four-page script treating the Nazgul as frat boys funded by Sauron? It was awesome.
11:56:41 AM Nastinchka: This does not surprise me.
11:57:58 AM Livia: Also, don't ever write a thesis.

10:58:35 AM Livia: you know what facebook needs? some way to search your wall. it would be nice, because if you add someone as a friend, you could make sure you don't mention them in a nasty way on your wall somewhere before you add them.
10:58:44 AM Nastinchka: wha happened?
10:59:11 AM Livia: Oh, nothing happened, but I had to go through all 1500 wall posts this morning to be safe before I could add ________ as my friend.
10:59:25 AM Nastinchka: "This is _____, the sea lion killer."
10:59:29 AM Livia: I didn't want her to stumble across some post where we referenced her shooting a defenseless sea lion in the head
10:59:31 AM Livia: EXACTLY
10:59:46 AM Livia: we're burning for that one.
11:00:00 AM Livia: anyway, i didn't have the stamina to make it all the way through
11:00:04 AM Livia: so here's hoping there's nothing in there.
11:00:13 AM Nastinchka: Does she realy have the free time to look?
11:00:41 AM Livia: never underestimate the possibility of me getting punished because somehow, something comes up that shouldn't have.
11:00:49 AM Nastinchka: Never do.
11:01:01 AM Livia: i know
11:01:07 AM Livia: i will just check our wall to wall
11:01:21 AM Livia: because if anything nasty was ever said about her, it will be in our posts.
11:03:22 AM Nastinchka: Shouldn't take hours or anything. Nope.
11:03:42 AM Livia: it is honestly worth the trouble
11:05:37 AM Livia: i just got to our insane dane bradshaw/cutting edge montage
11:06:20 AM Nastinchka: You'll have to be more specific.
11:09:00 AM Livia: Aaaaand I found more wedding planner notes
11:11:28 AM Livia: "I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. At Our (Double, Heterosexual) Wedding, instead of writing our own vows, we should just totally straightforwardly recite the lyrics to St. Elmo's Fire.
REVEREND: "Do you take this man to be your man in motion?"
GROOM: "I can make it. I know I can. You broke the boy in me, and now you break the man."
US: "I do. I would climb the highest mountain, cross the wildest sea."
REVEREND: "My time is now. I'm coming alive. I now pronounce you men and wives"."

Heads up, boyos.

I'll be out of town and unable to see the game tomorrow (and neither will anyone else, really), but three points to keep in mind:

• Swindle saying on the radio last week (I think) that "Sylvester Croom exists to get other coaches fired."
• Most Tennessee fans I know carry a strong but abstract sense that the Vols are a psych-able team. But for The Season That Shall Not Be Mentioned, Ever, they tend to come through when everyone who matters has discounted them. Conversely, there's a pattern of lapses after significant wins. I've never thought to quantify this, but Inside Tennessee has, via RTT, and...eep.
• But we'll see if we're onto something here, and SMQ's assessment is right on, as ever: "If Tennessee actually found something sustainable last week, it's lights out." Here's hoping.

My fantasy team tribulations make fascinating reading, especially for strangers.

Here's my roster for the Cool Kids' Table. Pretty sweet, right? Solid team, top to bottom.

And eight of the fifteen slots, you may notice, read "Bye". Is there anything more frustrating? Other than last year's auto-draft mishap that landed me with FIVE (5) Colts on one roster? (Granted, we did jes' fine, what with that whole WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP happening, but could this have happened to me with the 2005 offense? Of course not.)

I've always had a weakness for the cut and run. I play in smallish leagues; there are always quality players unspoken for, and I tend to end up with maybe a third of the guys I began the season with. (The notable exception to this is, of course, light-of-my-life Brandon Stokley, who will NEVER LEAVE ANY OF MY ROSTERS FOR ANY REASON, EVEN IF IT MEANS LOSING THE TITLE TO NOT ONE BUT TWO (2) HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORES WHILE HE'S ON THE IR FOR FOUR MONTHS. *ahem* Love is blind, y'all.)

But I've got the benefit of rolling with a cohort this year, who in addition to being vastly smarter and more experienced in these matters, is also (as far as football, anyway) exceedingly patient. And upon realizing this morning that all the reshuffling in the world still leaves us without a QB, TE, and defense this weekend, we decided it's time to punt one. So farewell, Babes--it's been lovely sharing the top of the leaderboard with you both, but I fear it's time to beat a strategic retreat. I'll be back, Football Jesus willing.

*No, none of this is news to anyone or terribly insightful. Yes, I wrote this whole entry to pre-hedge what I assume will be a precipitous drop for the Calumet WOLVERINES!! in next week's standings. What? Slow day.

Avast, Dammit.

And if I never come back after this weekend? It's because I'm going here tonight, and the way things are going I'm not entirely opposed to dropping the rest of my life and begging them to hire me as a deckhand.

That's right.

Was awakened in the middle of the night by twelve frantic text messages in a row--but it's nearly 2008, so I guess it's time to get our game faces on. Here's to you, sir.

better believe I'm back

Oh, and I just got my laptop back and have been without it since Monday and have, as of this moment, no lies, EIGHT HUNDRED AND ELEVEN (811) unread email messages, so...just hang on a minute, will you?

Two tears in a bucket, Bammers.

Three separate Third Saturday in October trips have come together and fallen apart in about the past month, but I hope this one's sticking, because fuck it, I am outta here. Went from the whole family taking the usual jaunt to none of the family going at all and me tagging along with Livia & Co., to her not going either, to me staring bleakly out of windows in various poses of despair, back around to about half the tribe making the trip and me absolutely vowing not to miss it again this year. I am shaking with anticipation. It's our game of the year to begin with, but the addition of Der Saban lends the whole affair a spicy patina of loathing, like a layer of hot sauce on a fine Bloody Mary.

Laff Riot 49: Shoeth and Shipth and Thealing Waxth

Your move, Big Daddy:
9:32:48 PM Holly: Are you watching the new season of The Office?
9:32:57 PM Joan: Of course
9:33:16 PM Holly: Did you get a familiar shiver during the Kelly/Ryan scenes?
9:33:21 PM Joan: YES
9:33:24 PM Joan: A THOUSAND TIMES YES
9:33:31 PM Holly: Followed by an even more horrible shiver when you realized she could be one of any ten girls we know and love?
9:33:35 PM Joan: Why are all our friends so creepy?
9:35:20 PM Joan: Also, why are 'Box and I not married yet? He is like a male you with a softer edge. We are perfectly compatible, and for me his gayness is an asset, not a detractor.
9:35:31 PM Holly: I'll ask him next time we talk
9:35:40 PM Joan: See that you do.
9:35:41 PM Holly: Or we could just make it the title of the next Laff Riot.

2:07:08 PM Joan: I I CONTROL COLLEGE FOOTBALL
2:07:14 PM Holly: I KNOW.
2:07:22 PM Joan: HOLY SHIT.
2:07:38 PM Joan: I take 100% of credit for this victory
2:07:50 PM Joan: Since I was the only person in America rooting for Colorado
2:07:54 PM Holly: And me!
2:08:04 PM Joan: i counted you when i said me.
2:18:03 PM Joan: I am for rills going downstairs and drinking five beers and pouring the sixth out for ralphie
2:18:49 PM Joan: we ride together, we die together
2:18:57 PM Joan: OH
2:19:00 PM Joan: I just realized why they won
2:19:19 PM Joan: Last night I was cleaning my room and I found that buffalo poster that was in my room senior year
2:19:35 PM Joan: And I put it on my door surrounded by a border of rose wrapping paper
2:19:49 PM Joan: The results speak for themselves.
3:03:51 PM Joan: ROAM, DAMN YOU. ROAM WITH PRIDE.

3:28:03 PM Joan: I keep my promise. Go Longhorns.
3:28:18 PM Holly: Well, do a little dance or something. Texas needs you.
3:28:44 PM Joan: Too bad I don't have a longhorn poster to put on my door.
3:28:56 PM Joan: but cows are kind of like buffaloes
3:29:10 PM Holly: Hold on to that.

3:09:24 PM Holly: MY LIFE FOR YOU
3:10:03 PM Holly: but I AM NOT POSTING THAT PICTURE.
3:10:25 PM Joan: Well good luck finding one where he doesn't look menacing, because I am not changing that caption.
3:10:51 PM Holly: ....oh, god, This? Will involve me googling Pennywise.
3:11:03 PM Joan: Which is why i did it for you
3:11:07 PM Joan: But you are unappreciative.
3:11:15 PM Holly: no. just scared.
3:20:23 PM Joan: you like?
3:23:40 PM Holly: This was the ntatural evolution of The Turtle Can't Help You, Rick Clausen.
3:23:44 PM Holly: I love it.
3:32:59 PM Joan: there is nothing natural about this season
3:33:03 PM Joan: but otherwise i agree with you
3:33:26 PM Holly: still laughing
3:37:03 PM Holly: You know
3:37:08 PM Holly: of all of these
3:37:17 PM Holly: I feel like this one has the smallest audience
3:37:25 PM Holly: and yet, it is my favorite.
3:37:27 PM Joan: is a good litmus test
3:37:34 PM Holly: I think that makes it special-er, somehow.
3:37:40 PM Joan: If people don't get it, I automatically up my contempt for them.
3:38:23 PM Holly: This is my point. Time to cull our flock.
4:03:04 PM Joan: ...like Tom Cull...en.
4:09:23 PM Holly: ....

8:29:27 PM Holly: C'mooooon, Tigers.
8:32:49 PM PB: I'm for UF. Big time. (Sorry. You're hot.)
8:33:06 PM Holly: [baleful stare]
8:33:22 PM PB: [scrambles to look up baleful]

12:32:05 PM Joan: I damaged a nerve in my arm yesterday at the football game from exuberant cheering, but I regret nothing.
12:32:17 PM Holly: Nor should you.
12:32:21 PM Joan: NOTHING.
12:34:41 PM Holly: 'PAC-10-FOOT-BALL!"
12:34:55 PM Holly: CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP AAAAAHSAHAHAHAHAHAHA
12:35:08 PM Joan: Also: I am almost positive Tim Tebow's performance can be attributed to his discovery of our songs.
12:35:28 PM Holly: Duh. [read in tone of Emma Thompson's daughter in Love, Actually when she asks whether there was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus]
12:36:06 PM Joan: I saw a distinctly "Don't Fumble My Heart" look in his eyes

11:17:52 AM Holly: I have the nicest mother.
11:17:55 AM Holly: The kindest mother.
11:17:58 AM Holly: The prettiest mother.
11:18:00 AM Holly: Everyone says so.
11:25:44 AM Momma: moi?
11:26:50 AM Holly: It's from The Bad Seed.
11:26:54 AM Holly: i thought it was appropriate
11:27:05 AM Holly: seeing as how I've turned to SELLING MYSELF ON PORNOGRAPHIC COLLEGE FOOTBALL INTERNET WEB SITES.
11:31:45 AM Momma: there now, aren't we HAVING FUN with this?

3:29:32 PM Holly: John Parker Wilson just got sacked by Florida state. Is Mercury in retrograde?
3:30:39 PM Joan: the moon is in the second house
3:30:45 PM Joan: and samuel adams is in my stomach

12:18:43 PM Jeebsy: i knew we weren't good 2 weeks ago
12:18:52 PM Jeebsy: i did not know we were going to be the worst team in the big 10
12:19:28 PM Jeebsy: starting tomorrow, my blog is going to be about sandwiches and great redheads in time
12:20:15 PM Holly: *hair toss*
12:21:14 PM Jeebsy: I just stapled my hand about 20 minutes ago, and it was the third worst thing to happen to me all day.
12:38:25 PM Jeebsy: I think I need to watch March of the Penguins tonight. That's all I can think of.

3:05:06 PM Joan: Oh, right. You're getting Cal.
3:05:58 PM Joan: Unfortunately, I am also not getting Maryland. Life is so unfair.
3:06:14 PM Holly: Wait, what the hell game are you getting?
3:06:22 PM Joan: clemson ga tech
3:06:26 PM Holly: ew.
3:06:32 PM Joan: so i am alternating betwen alabama and wisconsin
3:07:07 PM Holly: If it makes you feel any better, I think someone in my building is learning to play the clarinet.
3:07:51 PM Joan: That does help.

This made perfect sense at the time.
5:01:10 PM Holly: you reeeady?
5:01:25 PM Janie: I AM FULL OF MOUNTAIN DEW AND READINESS!
5:04:33 PM Janie: Oh, if anyone's an animagus, it's Coach O.
5:04:37 PM Janie: That's brilliant.
5:05:07 PM Holly: Or he's wearing a people suit.
5:05:14 PM Holly: And that's just what he looks like.
5:05:20 PM Janie: A NUTRIA IN A PEOPLE SUIT
5:05:57 PM Janie: Don't worry. He shall be bested.

10:20:35 PM Joan: Also, WHY CAN'T I GET THIS FUCKING APPALACHIAN STATE SONG OUT OF MY HEAD I HAAAAAAATE YOU APPALACHIAN STATE
10:20:44 PM Joan: Any goodwill they earned at the Big House is gone.
10:21:15 PM Holly: Keep a little piece on your "heart"
10:21:21 PM Holly: for the humiliation they caused Michigan
10:22:02 PM Joan: It's so hard, because that song is like a horrible virus
10:22:14 PM Joan: It literally pops into my head at least twice a day
10:22:32 PM Holly: Do what I do
10:22:45 PM Holly: And replace it with that one Erasure song the second it happens
10:22:53 PM Holly: your head will bop happily the livelong day.
10:23:45 PM Joan: The only song worse than hot hot hot is the new iPod commercial song 1-2-3-4
10:24:19 PM Holly: I try to discooover
10:24:26 PM Holly: a little something' to make it sweeter
10:24:31 PM Holly: oh baby refrain
10:24:45 PM Joan: I knew if I dragged this out you would eventually sing to me. (victorious dusting off of hands)
10:24:48 PM Holly: from breakin my heeeeeaarrrrrt*
*where "heart" implies "obsdian pit". Not valid outside contiental US. Must be 21 or over. Many will enter, few will escape the burn unit.
10:24:59 PM Holly: [scene]

12:22:20 PM Holly: So how's your day?
12:22:31 PM Holly: Any emails telling you I'm running a gambling ring?
12:22:35 PM Holly: Because I am.
12:22:44 PM Holly: It said so on the internet web logs.
12:23:19 PM Momma: Does this mean you'll have to cut back on the p**n??
12:24:50 PM Holly: Yes, I will have to cut down on the YOU KNOW WHAT.
12:23:43 PM Holly: Do the little stars mean you're doing that thing where you're whispering and screaming at the same time because it's a BAD WORD?
12:25:17 PM Momma: whisper scream same time? I guess so
12:23:46 PM Holly: I like it when you do that.
12:24:29 PM Momma: wait! I can't keep up!!!
12:24:48 PM Momma: really? a gambling ring? are you really? does it have to do with foobaw?
12:24:52 PM Holly: MOMMA.
12:24:53 PM Holly: NO.
12:25:44 PM Momma: cause I was gonna say, can I have a cut of the profits for my retirement fund?
12:26:17 PM Holly: You are the prettiest.
12:26:21 PM Holly: I don't care what they say about you.

1:17:30 PM Holly: OH HOLY SHIT CALL ME YOU STILL HAVE NOT HEARD
1:17:45 PM Holly: You do not understand how important this phone call is
1:17:52 PM Joan: Just tell me
1:17:54 PM Holly: It will take ten seconds
1:17:59 PM Holly: I need to tell you one sentence
1:18:04 PM Holly: and then nothing else will matter
1:18:05 PM Joan: then just tell me!
1:18:11 PM Holly: because we have our DESTINIES
1:18:15 PM Holly: call me I want to hear you scream.
1:18:17 PM Holly: (in a good way)
1:18:30 PM Joan: You can either tell me right now or you will have to wait eight hours, the choice is yours.
1:18:35 PM Holly: Fine.
1:18:45 PM Holly: Fran Drescher is considering a run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat.
1:18:56 PM Joan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAS;LKSADHJF;LASDJKFH;ASDLFKJ;SDALFKJDS'LFD
1:19:02 PM Holly: SEE???
1:19:05 PM Joan: SHE WOULD TOTALLY WIN
1:19:06 PM Joan: FRAN IS THE SHIT.
1:19:19 PM Holly: Nothing else to say but GET YOUR COAT
1:19:41 PM Joan: I would totally drop everything else in my life to work on her campaign
1:19:49 PM Holly: SEE?
1:20:06 PM Joan: I almost wish I didn't know, because now it's going to be really hard to concentrate.
1:20:11 PM Holly: Sorry.
1:20:32 PM Holly: (If that sounded insincere, it was because I am not at all sorry.)

7:23:38 PM PB: C'mon Gators
7:23:52 PM Holly: C'moooooon, meteorite.
7:24:07 PM PB: ABL
7:24:17 PM PB: (Anybody But Les)
7:24:41 PM Holly: Oh, wow
7:24:48 PM Holly: for a minute I thought you meant the aircraft laser
7:25:03 PM Holly: and I was all "Well, it's not an act of god, but yeah, that'd work too."

Prescience, applied:
8:23:11 PM Joan: I'm not clear on how Pat White and Steve Slaton totally self-destructed like that.
8:24:11 PM Joan: Like, even before he bruised his knee, White failed to get into the end zone for two quarters. And Slaton couldn't get there in four!! WTF?
8:25:36 PM Joan: during the last three minutes i could actually hear your kinfolk screaming from OR
8:25:44 PM Holly: Oh, there was hissing aplenty.
8:25:56 PM Joan: there usually is
8:27:08 PM Joan: this is exactly why i don't make college football picks
8:27:19 PM Joan: too much unpredictable smiting.
8:27:51 PM Joan: now imagine if colorado could upset oklahoma (wiping happy tear from eye)
8:28:10 PM Joan: I'm a dreamer. DON'T STOP ME FROM FLYING.
8:28:25 PM Holly: Spread your wings, baby eagle.
8:32:07 PM Joan: (buffalo wing joke)
9:14:19 PM Holly: [snide loretta lynn remark]
9:15:14 PM Joan: we've been down this road before.
9:15:21 PM Holly: I do love the view.

S'go, Sox:
9:45:12 PM Holly: I would not have been at all surprised
9:45:18 PM Holly: to have seen that ball turn into an actual rocket
9:45:23 PM Jeebsy: I know!
9:45:25 PM Holly: with a wave of glitter from Manny's hand
9:45:36 PM Jeebsy: His fucking swing is so beautiful.
9:45:57 PM Jeebsy: LOOK AT HIM!! AAAAAAHAHAHA!
9:46:11 PM Jeebsy: He also leads the league in man hugs.
9:47:03 PM Holly: AIRPLAAANE! I love him so much.
9:47:37 PM Holly: Wait.
9:47:40 PM Holly: he speaks engllish?
9:47:49 PM Jeebsy: He's from New York.
9:47:56 PM Holly: Oh. In my head, he doesn't talk, communicating through a complicated chirping language of his own devising.

9:27:46 PM Joan: They are destined to be together.
9:27:47 PM Holly: OK, I know the answer to this
9:27:49 PM Holly: but:
9:27:53 PM Holly: Does he know that?
9:28:01 PM Joan: (incredulous look)
9:28:13 PM Holly: I know.
9:28:18 PM Holly: I just thought, for posterity, I'd ask.
9:28:43 PM Joan: I will say this, though: I've had to listen to two months of him bitching and moaning about how there are no pretty girls in Boston. So now I am going to present an Authentic Pretty Southern Girl to him! Am I not merciful?
9:29:14 PM Holly: I know the answer to this one, too
9:29:19 PM Holly: but make sure she wears her pearls.
9:29:37 PM Joan: We Are One. I actually texted her and reminded her to do so earlier.
9:30:11 PM Joan: I've also asked her to reference The Great Gatsby, Harry Potter, and the Democratic Party at any opportune moment.
9:30:24 PM Holly: This, she can do.
9:30:33 PM Joan: I fully expect that any dowry should be paid to me.
9:30:51 PM Holly: For ussssssss
9:31:35 PM Joan: I meant us.
9:32:04 PM Holly: I know.
9:32:08 PM Holly: *nose pet*

5:17:38 PM PB: I can't decide whether I dislike the show a lot, or dislike that people think it's Really Good.
5:18:00 PM Holly: Always Sunny?
5:18:03 PM PB: Yeah
5:18:09 PM PB: Probably some measure of both
5:18:10 PM Holly: It's deplorable.
5:18:34 PM Holly: They shot that pilot for like $400, sent a DVD to F/X, and got a show.
5:18:37 PM Holly: And yet, I am not famous.
5:18:51 PM Holly: Oh, and it's fucking terrible.
5:19:10 PM PB: Only seen maybe 3 episodes. Seemed pretty crass and repetitive
5:19:25 PM Holly: Yes.
5:19:58 PM PB: [sends out bait... waits for hollyfish...]
5:20:31 PM Holly: I can't start, not now.
5:20:38 PM Holly: Not if you want me to stop talking about it, ever.
5:20:56 PM PB: Haven't seen that much. Just seems sorta crude and simplistic. [the patient fisherman never stops after one cast...]
5:21:10 PM Holly: (really)
5:21:26 PM PB: Aaaand... there's lightning on the lake. Everyone off the boat.

1:11:36 PM Holly: I CAN'T BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY DREAM LAST NIGHT.
1:11:42 PM Holly: It was so, so real
1:11:48 PM Holly: and yet immediately recognizable as a dream
1:12:06 PM Holly: We were arguing with the boys over which one of us was going to dress as which ninja turtle for Halloween
1:12:24 PM Holly: Which is when I KNEW it had to be a dream, because in real life it shakes out so perfectly.
1:12:42 PM Holly: Observe: As the emotional center of our (and every) universe, you have to be Leonardo.
1:13:23 PM Holly: While I feel I identify most with Raphael, there is one person on this planet more prone to sullen fits and outbursts of violence, and that person is Caesar.
1:13:56 PM Holly: Which makes me Donatello, appropriately, since LOOK HOW SMART I AM DID YOU KNOW
1:14:21 PM Holly: And Casey's Michaelangelo, who's always opening his big mouth and getting us captured by Bebop and Roxsteady.
1:14:30 PM Joan: Unless this ends with Danny being April, I am not convinced.
1:14:37 PM Holly: So it ALL FITS
1:14:41 PM Holly: but in the dream it didn't happen that way
1:15:05 PM Holly: While you were trying to derail the whole thing by saying Leonardo wasn't slutty enough for a Halloween costume
1:15:32 PM Holly: and Casey and Caesar were arguing over the phrase "bring a nunchuk to a knife fight"
1:15:45 PM Holly: Stewart came in and got into your makeup and did his whole face up as Splinter
1:16:19 PM Joan: HAHAHAHAHAHA
1:16:21 PM Holly: and somehow ended up falling off the back deck of Castle Greyskull while perfecting his hobble.
1:16:32 PM Joan: The image of Stewart getting into my makeup is so realistic
1:16:26 PM Holly: (the lowest one, he was OK)

8:18:23 PM Swindle: Go.
8:18:45 PM Holly: No. Not more.
8:18:58 PM Swindle: THis one's...magical
8:19:50 PM Holly: Oh my god
8:19:52 PM Holly: he's serious
8:20:02 PM Holly: IS HE GOING TO MAKE A HAT?
8:20:05 PM Swindle: no--keepwatching
8:20:08 PM Holly: IS HE GOING TO MAKE A NEWSPAPER HAT?
8:20:22 PM Holly: That's the best use of a USA Today I've seen.
8:21:01 PM Holly: I...we need a word for this.
8:21:09 PM Holly: This has completely transcended all possibility of parody
8:21:14 PM Holly: to a degree that I have never seen.
8:21:19 PM Swindle: No--it's brilliant.
8:21:28 PM Swindle: I always wondered how he kept jobs
8:21:35 PM Swindle: I now realize he just started talking
8:21:47 PM Swindle: I think he's a fucking savant
8:23:17 PM Swindle: He's the man from Hadleyburg
8:23:28 PM Swindle: I firmly believe he could save humanity from itself.
8:23:37 PM Holly: If only they would just lithen.
8:23:39 PM Swindle: Or corrupt an entire town by himself
8:23:45 PM Swindle: himthelf
8:23:59 PM Swindle: I'm always ready to fight after these speeches
8:24:04 PM Swindle: I know how that trick's done
8:24:07 PM Swindle: But I'm still thinking
8:24:14 PM Swindle: HOW THE FUCK DID HE DO THAT?
8:24:26 PM Swindle: AND WHERE'S SOMEONE WEARING PURPLE AND YELLOW FOR ME TO HIT
8:25:02 PM Holly: blood makes the grath grow
8:25:23 PM Swindle: Men, I want you to be loothe
8:25:27 PM Swindle: Have fun!
8:25:31 PM Swindle: You know who had fun?
8:25:36 PM Swindle: My pet iguana Harold
8:25:44 PM Swindle: Oh, Harold was a gem.
8:25:49 PM Swindle: He ate flies and loved it.
8:26:11 PM Swindle: And that's what you have to underthand: one lithard's flies are another man'th pethsts
8:26:27 PM Swindle: What do I mean by that?
8:26:31 PM Swindle: Never you mind.
8:26:24 PM Holly: I think he trips up on "pests"
8:26:32 PM Holly: and it takes him a full thirty seconds to get out
8:26:37 PM Holly: "pehshehthehs
8:26:56 PM Holly: [lineman: "Gesundheit, sir"]
8:27:07 PM Swindle: Grabs lineman
8:27:14 PM Swindle: LET ME THAY IT!!!
8:26:44 PM Swindle: Watch me pour milk into a tophat!
8:27:40 PM Holly: [center discreetly passes lineman folded towel from stack]
8:28:42 PM Swindle: I know what you're thinking
8:28:43 PM Holly: "but sir--"
8:28:47 PM Swindle: That's 154 perthent
8:28:49 PM Holly: "I WAS IN KO-REA!"
8:28:56 PM Holly: "You weren't, sir"
8:29:00 PM Holly: "GO RUN LAPTH"
8:29:16 PM Holly: "IT'S A FIGGER OF THPEECH"
8:29:20 PM Swindle: I AM KO-REAN!
8:29:43 PM Swindle: Because Korean stands for
8:29:48 PM Swindle: Koordinated
8:29:53 PM Swindle: Original
8:29:56 PM Swindle: Really
8:30:00 PM Swindle: Excited
8:30:02 PM Swindle: About
8:30:15 PM Swindle: Nockin' the other team out
8:30:15 PM Swindle:Every man'th got a 38th parallel in hith heart
8:30:15 PM Swindle:And we're going acroth it tonight.
8:30:15 PM Swindle:Jutht like Robert E Lee did
8:30:15 PM Swindle:when he beat the Germanth
8:38:21 PM Swindle: Inthpiration is 95% belief and 10 perthent licorice

got all my sisters with me

It's not up on their website yet, but I got interviewed by Chicago Sports Weekly for a piece on Girls What Write About Sports On The Internets*. I always think I sound like a space cadet in these things, but: Yay, press! Grab a copy of the October 10th issue if you're in the area; we're on pages 28-29.

*may not reflect actual title

Cibola: NCAA Week 7

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her rankings, which, if history is any indication, will outstrip my own as far as accuracy but whose glory will dim next to my victory in the 2007-2008 Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression Fantasy Football League.

I am proud to present the First Annual Stephen King Movies NCAA Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 6 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of folksy sayings delivered by smiling villains with demon faces underneath. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Annette O'Toole, Mick Garris, The Overlook Hotel, any and all Gunslingers, American Rock and Roll Bands Whose Excerpted Song Lyrics Make Up Roughly 1/3 Of King's oeuvre, And Coach Businessman Sociopath Who Liked To Rip Pieces Of Paper Into Symmetrical Strips, Moaning Quietly In Delight To Himself, Before Getting Eaten By A Race Of Poorly Animated Time-Devouring Black Hole Monsters, Next On SciFi.

"Once in every generation, the plague shall fall among them". That's what it says in the Book. Seems like maybe He went a little too far this time. At this rate, the rest of the top 10 might as well let that damn clown take them one by one. There's something terribly wrong here in college football, and you know it!

Listen, kids. This campfire stuff is fun, it really is, but it doesn't matter how painstakingly we go over sewer plans or how many damn flashlights or helmets you've got in that box. When the BCS poll comes out, I'm dust, and I would suggest that you follow me and get the hell out of Dodge! Sometimes I worry about you, Bowl Championship Series calculations. I worry a LOT.

Throw deep into heavy coverage. Allow yourself to be hurried. You all taste so much better when you're hurried.

1. LSU
PENNYWISE SAYS:
URBAN MEYER: [screaming over deafening crowd noise] Did you know, Mr. Joiner, that the Tiger Stadium announcers are attempting to bring an outside party into this situation? Did you know that?
TONY JOINER: [straining to be heard] No.
URBAN MEYER: They are, Mr. Joiner.
TONY JOINER: Who is it?
URBAN MEYER: The Trojans.
TONY JOINER: The Trojans?
URBAN MEYER: The Trojan defeat.
TONY JOINER: How?
URBAN MEYER: The Trojans being defeated has a very great talent. I don't think you are aware how great it is. The announcers are attempting to use that very talent against your will.
TONY JOINER: They are a very willful program.
URBAN MEYER: Indeed they are, Mr. Joiner. Very willful boys. Rather naughty boys, if I may be so bold.
Perhaps they need a good talking to, if you don't mind my saying so. Perhaps a bit more. My girls, they didn't care for the Swamp at first. One of them actually stole a pack of matches, and tried to burn it down. But I "corrected" them. And when my wife tried to prevent me from doing my duty, I "corrected" her.

The only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story. And this one is very good. This one is perfect. LSU is every nightmare you've ever had. They're your worst dream come true. They're everything you ever were afraid of. I hope that someone on the Kentucky squad remembers to bring something useful next weekend, like a machine gun.

TEBOW: [whimpering] Kill It, Tony!
GLENN DORSEY: Kill! [laughs] Me? I am eternal, child. I am the eater of worlds, and of children. And you are next.

2. CAL
PENNYWISE SAYS: I believe in Santa Claus. I believe in the Easter Bunny. I believe in the Tooth Fairy. But I don't believe in you. [Brandishing schedule] This is battery acid. Now, you disappear!

3. OHIO STATE
PENNYWISE SAYS:
BOECKMAN: Pleased to meet you, Boilermaker. Hope you guessed my name.
PURDUE DEFENDER: Huh?
BOECKMAN: Oh. Nothing. Just a little classical reference.

4. BOSTON COLLEGE
PENNYWISE SAYS:
[Final weekend of the season, College Park, Maryland]
MATT RYAN: Where are all the teams that were ranked above us?
CHRIS TURNER: Well, they're dead... They're all dead, everybody except for me and thee.
MATT RYAN: And you're here to take care of me. Is that it?
CHRIS TURNER: Hole in one!
MATT RYAN: Why?
CHRIS TURNER: Why? Because I've decided a piece of country fried crap like you doesn't deserve to live, not with so many good teams dying.
MATT RYAN: Those "good teams"... caused this mess!

5. SOUTH CAROLINA
PENNYWISE SAYS: Kentucky! He wants you too, Kentucky! He wants you too! Andre, did you really think that He Who Walks Behind the Rows would allow you to escape?

6. SOUTH FLORIDA
PENNYWISE SAYS: We..are..dead..and..this..is..HELL! How else can you explain this?

7. OKLAHOMA
PENNYWISE SAYS:
SOONER DEFENDER: Colt...COOOOOOOLLLT????
COLT MCCOY: [Crying, swinging baseball bat] Stay away.
SOONER: Darling. Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just gonna bash your brains in. I'm gonna bash 'em right the fuck in. Ha, ha.

8. WEST VIRGINIA
PENNYWISE SAYS:
PAT WHITE: Swear to me. Swear to me that if it our season isn't dead, we'll all come back.
STEVE SLATON: I swear.
RICH RODRIGUEZ: Swear.
NOEL DEVINE: I swear it.
DARIUS REYNAUD: I swear.
RIDWAN MALIK: I swear, too.
JARRET BROWN: [Eyes flitting shiftily] Swear.

9. OREGON
PENNYWISE SAYS:
OREGON ATHLETIC DEPARTMENT: We're already a one loss team. I feel you will have to deal with this matter in the harshest possible way, Coach.
MIKE BELLOTI: [eyeing Washington State]There's nothing I look forward to with greater pleasure.

10. MISSOURI
PENNYWISE SAYS:
MIZZOU FAN: [Crying, gibbering with joy] My life for you...MY...LIFE...FOR...YOU!
KIRK HERBSTREIT [Disgustedly] That dude's crazy.
CHRIS FOWLER: [Miserably, gesturing towards their rankings board] And we're not?

MISC...

HAWAII
M-O-O-N, that spells "obscenely high passing yardage loses a lot of its luster when you look at Hawaii's schedule and realize that one of Colt Brennan's toughest opponents is Haleakala State Community College and Vocational Center/ Bait Shop On Weekends, Open 10-6, No Credit Cards Please".

TENNESSEE-GEORGIA
VERNE LUNDQUIST: Are you the same Vols that the Gators met in The Swamp?
TENNESSEE: Yes... no. We're God's Vols.

I will always remember that when they pulled Mark Richt out of Neyland, his hair had turned white... he was babbling about a bright light, and a clown. And no one believed him.

MARYLAND
I am your number one fan. There is nothing to worry about. You are going to be just fine. I am your number one fan.

TEXAS
When I was a boy, we killed ourselves a mountain lion up in the hills, gutted it, and dragged it back to town. What was left of that critter was the sorriest sight I ever seen. You the second sorriest, boy.

LOU HOLTZ

I'm 106 years old, and I still makes my own bread.

FLORIDA
You have to get out of Baton Rouge. It's not just the odds of getting shot. Do you know what it's going to smell like in two weeks? BEEP BEEP Gators! They ALL float down here. When you're down here with us, you'll float too!

URBAN MEYER: Timmy, you haven't touched this game plan I made for you.
TEBOW: It gives me sacks and interceptions, Mama.
MEYER: Interceptions are the Lord's way of chastising you.

USC
They're all gonna laugh at you! They're all gonna laugh at you! Damn nosy little pup. You get down here and take your medicine.

STANFORD
JIM HARBAUGH: Listen, I stayed at the Bixby House. I took over for Ryan Leaf. I brushed my goddamn teeth right next to the tub where Sir David Smith drowned his whole family and I stopped being afraid of vampires when I was 12. Do you know why I can play in your spooky old Coliseum, Mr. Carroll? Because I know that ghoulies and ghosties and long-legged beasties don't exist. And even if they did, there's no god to protect us from them, is there?

WISCONSIN
BRETT BIELEMA: Have you ever thought about MY RESPONSIBILITIES?
DONOVAN: Coach, what are you talking about?
BIELEMA: (Raving) Have ever had any SINGLE MOMENT'S THOUGHT about my responsibilities? TO MY EMPLOYERS. Has it ever occured to you that I have agreed to look after this PROGRAM until January the FIRST. Does it MATTER TO YOU AT ALL that the OWNERS have put their COMPLETE CONFIDENCE and TRUST in me that I have signed an agreement, a CONTRACT, in which I have accepted that RESPONSIBILITY?

KANSAS
AQIB TALIB: Outlander! Outlander! We have your woman! [gripping Josh Freeman by the hair]

CINCINNATI-RUTGERS
MIKE TEEL: [reading a paper on the sideline] He th-th-thrusts hi-his fists...
TIM BROWN: [takes the paper] "He thrusts his fists against the posts and still insists he sees the ghosts." That's all it says, over and over.
MIKE TEEL: [stuttering heavily] My m-m-m-om g-gave me that to to to... h-help with m-m-m-my p-p-preg-g-game n-nerves.
GREG SCHIANO: No offense pal, it ain't workin'.

LOUISVILLE
LOUISVILLE: Who are you guys anyway?
MICHIGAN: We're sort of a club.
NOTRE DAME: Yeah, the Losers Club.
TEXAS: Yeah.
GEORGIA: You w-want in?
LOUISVILLE: Yeah. Yeah, I do.

CHARLIE WEIS
Kiss me, fat boy!

UCLA
Now the time has come. I put two bullets in my gun. One for me, and one for you. Oh darling, it will be so beautiful.

HOLY SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON

I don't have much left after yesterday, but this shot Livia got of the Georgia section five minutes into the third quarter is worth a thousand words.

Home sweet home to me.

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives footbawl, and footbawl gives life to thee.

I'll be writing from here all weekend, covering Saturday's action (and let's not kid ourselves, racking up marriage proposals left, right, and center) while Swindle's in Baton Rouge. It's a tough room, and I'm bringing Janie and Jelly with me, so stop by and take in the spectacle.

Laff Riot 48: Touchdown.

Yeah, there's not really a way to preface this one.

Joe (2:33:22 AM): before you go
Joe (2:33:35 AM): would you help me write a love song between tebow and joiner

Livia (2:34:41 AM): "Please Tell Me I Got Both Feet In (In The Endzone Of Your Heart)"
Livia (2:36:26 AM): alternate title: "How Can There Be A Penalty When I Hold You (In My Arms)"
Joe (2:37:22 AM): We really could release a new song every week until the SEC championship
Livia (2:37:43 AM): im pretty sure tebow would put them on his ipod and play them pregame and then win a heisman trophy
Joe (2:38:21 AM): we'd have to throw in a break-up song before the really important games
Livia (2:38:50 AM): "Too Many Men On The Field"
Joe (2:39:33 AM): I Saw You Looking Downfield (When My Heart Was Wide Open)
Livia (2:43:03 AM): "I Thought Our Love Would Split The Uprights (Instead, It Sailed Wide Left)"
Livia (2:43:34 AM): "You Got A Hand On The Ball Of My Heart"
Livia (2:44:20 AM): Half The Distance To The Goal (But You've Grown Distant Lately Too)
Livia (2:46:13 AM): Fourth And Inches, So Close I Can Feel You
Joe (2:47:08 AM): You Had Me at Down, Set, Hut
Livia (2:47:35 AM): You Can Change The Play, But You Can't Change How I Feel
Joe (2:47:57 AM): I Took the Snap (to be Closer to You)
Livia (2:48:18 AM): If You Were My Sacker (I'd Take The Sack)
Joe (2:48:43 AM): At the Bottom of the Pile-up
Livia (2:49:15 AM): Stopped For A Loss (Baby Please Come Home)
Joe (2:49:34 AM): Don't Punt my Heart
Livia (2:50:12 AM): Squib Kick Quick Kiss (that one is totally a dance anthem)
Livia (2:51:01 AM): Scrambling Out Of My Arms
Livia (2:51:52 AM): I Read Your Defenses (And Brought Them All Down)
Joe (2:52:24 AM): Did You Hear My Audible (I Love You)
Livia (2:52:40 AM): the gentle whisper....i love you!
Livia (2:54:17 AM): I've got the title and cover art for our CD. it's tebow and joiner with the back of their jerseys to the cameras, side by side, hands loosely entwined, looking at the game clock, which says 00:01, and the title reads "EFFECTIVE COCK MANAGEMENT"
Livia (2:54:39 AM): "brought to you by urban meyer"
Joe (2:54:49 AM): Effective Cock Management
Joe (2:55:00 AM): A Love Story
Livia (2:55:28 AM): If Our Love Was Picked On Gameday (We Would Be Favored)
Joe (2:56:31 AM): Herbstreit (Don't Take My Man Just Because You Can)
Livia (2:57:15 AM): Dolly Parton would cameo on that one.
Livia (2:59:21 AM): Roughing The Passer (But That's How He Likes It)
Livia (2:59:39 AM): You Intentionally Grounded Our Love
Livia (3:00:48 AM): You're Converting For Two (And You Are The One)
Joe (3:01:42 AM): Our Love is Offsides (But You are Inside Me)
Livia (3:01:57 AM): You Safetied Me (But I Feel Safe With You)
Joe (3:02:59 AM): I Get an Onsides Kick Out Of You
Livia (3:03:04 AM): Don't You Lateral Love Away
Livia (3:03:29 AM): If You Ever Fumble, I'll Be There To Recover You
Livia (3:04:37 AM): You Had Clear Possession (Of My Heart)
Livia (3:04:46 AM): After Careful Review, Our Love Stands
Livia (3:05:24 AM): Irrefutable Video Evidence Has Overturned Our Breakup
Livia (3:06:31 AM): When Life Throws A Challenge Flag, I'll Be Beside You
Livia (3:07:45 AM): There's An Ineligible Receiver (In Your Heart)
Joe (3:07:46 AM): My Heart's Been Given a Sideline Warning (It Cares So Much For You)
Livia (3:08:39 AM): If You Look At Another Man (I'll Eject Him From The Game)
Livia (3:08:53 AM): Unnecessary Roughness On My Emotions
Livia (3:09:32 AM): Injury Timeout, While The Trainers Look At What's Left Of My Heart
Livia (3:10:29 AM): You Blew The Play Of Our Love Dead
Joe (3:10:49 AM): You Better Wear Protection (Cause I'm Coming After You)
Livia (3:11:25 AM): Un-Facemask My Heart (And Face)
Joe (3:12:39 AM): The Playbook of My Heart's Got Nothing Left
Livia (3:12:54 AM): Spike The Ball, But Don't Spike What We Have
Joe (3:13:48 AM): Our Love is on 4th Down (Why Don't You Go For It)
Livia (3:14:12 AM): Any Team You're On Is A Special Team For Me
Livia (3:14:57 AM): Goal Line Stand (But Not Just One Night)
Livia (3:15:43 AM): Gatorade Bath (Looks Like We Made It)
Livia (3:15:56 AM): That Ref Is Blind If He Can't See Our Love
Livia (3:16:09 AM): When It Comes To You (There Is No Out Of Bounds)
Joe (3:16:37 AM): retraction: Don't Give Me Your Back-up Story ('Cause My Heart is on Third String)
Joe (3:17:24 AM): My Knee is Down (Will You Be Mine?)
Livia (3:17:43 AM): Group Tackle (But All I See Is You)
Livia (3:18:27 AM): I Lost The Ball (I Can't Lose You Too)
Joe (3:19:11 AM): I'll Always Be There (To Put Your Jersey Back Over Your Shoulder Pads)
Livia (3:19:16 AM): Neutral Zone Infraction (When I Look Into Your Eyes)
Joe (3:24:05 AM): I'm Waving My Arms (Cause You're The Fairest Catch Of Them All)
Livia (3:24:52 AM): Down At The Line of Scrimmage That Is My Soul
Livia (3:29:34 AM): False Start (Fairy Tale Finish)
Livia (3:30:51 AM): IT IS THREE THIRTY IN THE MORNING?!?!?!
Livia (3:30:54 AM): I HAVE TO GO TO BED.
Joe (3:30:59 AM): But
Joe (3:31:01 AM): if you go
Joe (3:31:35 AM): who's going to sing, The Media Timeout of Our Love
Livia (3:31:27 AM): Don't Let the Clock Run Out (On What We Have)
Livia (3:32:15 AM): You Are The Pontiac Gamechanging Performer Of My Life
Joe (3:32:16 AM): I Gave Him His Two Minute Warning (and I've Never Seen Him Since)

Should've seen it comin' when the roses died

One of the very most funnest things about being outed to my mother as a blogger has been having her comb through the archives, find something like this, and send me another clown card just like it:

Laff Riot 47: I think we solved this thing.

5:12:02 PM Holly: Billy Donovan's head looks so TINY, introducing those players. Couldn't they have gotten him a smaller circle?
5:15:12 PM Livia: BRANDON COX LOOKS LIKE A VAMPIRE
5:15:14 PM Livia: WHAT THE HELL
5:15:21 PM Livia: HAS HE EVER BEEN OUTSIDE BEFORE?
5:15:46 PM Holly: Does Starkville count? Probably nt.
5:16:31 PM Livia: Florida should just put garlic in their helmets
5:16:36 PM Holly: and sleep with cross.
5:16:38 PM Livia: Cox is awful.
5:17:03 PM Holly: so so so bad.
5:17:16 PM Livia: their backup must be even worse.
5:18:40 PM Livia: TOMMY TUBERVILLE CAN SEE THE FUTURE!
5:18:47 PM Holly: GIFT OF PROPHECY
5:18:50 PM Livia: He knew it would be okay to punt and that he would get it back!
5:18:58 PM Livia: That is really unsettling.
5:19:19 PM Holly: ....Brandon Cox bit him.
5:19:45 PM Livia: This explains why Auburn only plays at night
5:20:16 PM Holly: It's not cramps that are making Brandon Cox terrible, but a dearth of human snacks!
5:20:37 PM Livia: Vampires get cramps too, racist.
5:20:56 PM Holly: You are so sage.
5:21:13 PM Livia: I think Brandon Cox can hear us!!!
5:21:22 PM Holly: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
5:21:38 PM Livia: Vamps have heightened senses, and he hears us talking shit about him, and he is allowing his vampire emotions to steal across him.
5:22:55 PM Livia: WHAT
5:22:56 PM Livia: THE
5:22:57 PM Livia: HELL
5:23:06 PM Holly: !!!!!!!!!!
5:23:10 PM Holly: THAT IS NOT BRANDON COX.
5:23:24 PM Livia: Yeah it is, they just let him feast on his backup before kickoff
5:23:30 PM Livia: He must feed.
5:23:38 PM Livia: And obviously, he has.
5:23:57 PM Livia: Do you think Tommy is also a vampire? It would explain his precognitive decision to punt.
5:24:55 PM Livia: Cox is just going to walk to the sideline and casually begin suckling on his teammate's neck. Oh wait...that was Tim Tebow.
5:28:09 PM Livia: i cannot believe this is happening. brandon cox is fucking lestat.
5:38:26 PM Holly: Bama down by 7 with a minute to go
5:38:36 PM Holly: and the guy who just caught their td pass
5:38:43 PM Holly: was KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS as he crossed the goal line
5:38:48 PM Holly: and HELD ON TO THE BALL
5:40:04 PM Holly: ALABAMA IS THE HELLMOUTH
5:44:24 PM Livia: BRANDON COX IS FUCKING LESTAT.
5:44:28 PM Livia: what is happening!
5:44:58 PM Holly: I'm so scared
5:45:01 PM Holly: and cold and so, so alone
5:45:20 PM Livia: much like his victims
6:06:38 PM Livia: "don't worry, Brandon. I'm going to give you the choice I never had."
8:27:40 PM Livia: YOUR CHEATING IS ALL FOR NAUGHT URBAN MEYER
8:27:47 PM Livia: THEIR TEARS ARE DELICIOUS
8:28:00 PM Holly: CROCODILE TEARS
8:28:03 PM Livia: WHAT'S THIS SWEET TASTE IN MY MOUTH? I THINK IT'S VENGEANCE.
8:29:50 PM Holly: BRANDON COX HAS BAT HEARING.
8:31:05 PM Livia: vellcome to my upset!! (cackling madly)

Kickoff eve:
3:26:20 PM Holly: vanilla toffee caramel latte PLAY WITH ME
3:26:27 PM Holly: *twitch*
3:52:13 PM PB: Hi
3:53:56 PM PB: FOOTBAW!!!
3:58:00 PM Holly: Seriously, I need to go eat some raw meat or something. I just begged my producer to let me watch him fire one of our actresses.

Lurking in Michigan open threads...
11:26:32 PM Holly: I want to see the EXACT moment where they realize the wheels are somewhere behind them.
11:28:06 PM Holly: Except that they were losing the entire time
11:28:10 PM Holly: So I guess there isn't one.
11:28:39 PM Livia: Let's look for where their hope fails
11:28:52 PM Holly: Most of this thread is, disappointingly, postgame
11:28:56 PM Holly: but i'm sure we can find it.
11:39:23 PM Livia: this is schadenfreuriffic
11:39:28 PM Holly: I can'tstop
11:39:30 PM Livia: at least we still have a season
11:39:32 PM Holly: I have to go to bed
11:39:34 PM Holly: but I can't stop
11:39:57 PM Livia: arkansas and florida were both 1 loss last season and they kicked ass. michigan, though, cannot recover.
11:40:10 PM Holly: No.
11:40:17 PM Holly: Which DELIGHTS ME
11:40:22 PM Livia: ME TOO.
11:40:26 PM Holly: Also, of course we are of one mind re: Woodson
11:40:34 PM Livia: FUCK WOODSON
11:40:39 PM Livia: they are reaping what they hath sown

11:42:45 PM Livia: i think i found the moment
11:43:01 PM Livia: "what the fuck lion is up with all these penalties?"
11:43:21 PM Holly: that is it.
11:43:23 PM Holly: Indubitably.
11:43:51 PM Livia: i can promise you that if he had played that game, michigan would have won by fifty. fuck dat spider.
11:44:40 PM Holly: I can just hear us saying that in our WE'RE GOING FISHING FOR A MATE voices
11:45:03 PM Livia: you mean YOUR gffam voice
11:45:06 PM Livia: it makes me cry
11:46:38 PM Livia: the best part about these comments is how they assume it is over once they scored
11:46:45 PM Holly: so bright.
11:46:49 PM Holly: So beautiful.
11:46:53 PM Livia: and they are all confident, giving app credit, being magnanimous
11:46:54 PM Livia: and then...
11:47:15 PM Holly: Waterloo.
11:47:24 PM Holly: Only it's a home game
11:48:01 PM Livia: this seems more like jim tressel fiddling while ann arbor burns

3:47:03 PM Momma: oooo, did you know there's a new book by the eats, shoots, and leaves person and it's ALL about apostrophes!!! I can parlay that into a reason to live a little longer.
3:47:22 PM Holly: Want!
3:47:35 PM Momma: me too
3:47:42 PM Holly: Fetch!
3:47:47 PM Holly: (please)
3:47:53 PM Momma: are you talkin' to me?
3:47:58 PM Holly: um
3:47:59 PM Holly: no?

11:18:38 PM Livia: I wish I could get that Appalachian State is hot, hot, HOT! song out of my head
11:19:06 PM Livia: I think it might be permanent, like knowing all the lines in D2: The Mighty Ducks.
11:19:31 PM Holly: You say that like it's a bad thing. *hoists cordless drill*
11:19:39 PM Holly: *saunters east*
11:19:52 PM Livia: You do not saunter. You do many things. You do not saunter.
11:20:02 PM Holly: I WALK LIKE JOHN WAYNE.
11:20:04 PM Holly: WHEN I WANT TO.
11:20:11 PM Holly: ...."stalk"?
11:20:37 PM Livia: Caper? Yes. Stampede? Yes? Walk in pointe shoes on skulls? Yes.
11:20:41 PM Livia: Saunter? No.
11:20:44 PM Holly: :(
11:20:59 PM Livia: You do lope, though.
11:21:05 PM Livia: Cold comfort though that may be.
11:21:07 PM Holly: *chest thump*
11:21:15 PM Livia: (gang sign)

6:15:09 PM Holly: I'm gonna throw out a crazy theory
6:15:12 PM Holly: hear me out:
6:15:16 PM Holly: That is not Brandon Cox.
6:15:38 PM Holly: ...that's all I got.
6:15:54 PM PB: Makes far more sense than the alternative: That is Brandon Cox.
6:15:58 PM Holly: See??

Post-quake:
6:04:33 PM Janie: *whimper*
6:04:41 PM Holly: He'll be fine.
6:04:59 PM Holly: He'll write me back in five minutes with a history of natural disasters as it relates to Arlo Guthrie.
6:05:01 PM Holly: In Latin.
6:05:27 PM Janie: Or he's out being an investigatory journalist.
6:06:00 PM Holly: Well, he'll write back with seventeen 1600x1200 shots of artfully composed bits of rubble that suggest Keynesian economic theory.
6:06:14 PM Holly: Lemme know if either of my theories pan out.

11:16:39 Livia: I just taught Bailey the Yakov joke:
JOAN: In Soviet Russia, hair cuts YOOOOUUU!
BAILEY: In Soviet Russia, cat has no CLAAAAWS!
(Pause)
JOAN: No, I don't think you really get it. See...
BAILEY: (Enthusiastically) In Soviet Russia, lawyer doesn't take your MONEYYYYY!
JOAN: But...
BAILEY: (Menacingly) In Soviet Russia, grape peels YOOOOOUU!
JOAN: Much better.

2:29:14 PM Holly: This thread is not nearly as entertaining as Michael Irvin threads.
2:29:19 PM Holly: Maybe I should go find his HoF post
2:29:22 PM Holly: and use that instead
2:29:34 PM Jeebsy: The Vick people are apologists?
2:29:40 PM Holly: Because this is just a pages-long race flame war sprinkled with entire sections of the RICO act.

4:30:20 PM Livia: for tomorrow's poll, can you please photoshop a terrapin riding a buffalo amongst heavenly clouds?
4:30:32 PM Holly: Um.
4:30:34 PM Holly: I'll try.
4:31:38 PM Livia: Yeah, because my request is somehow more insane than putting Rex Grossman into a corset and bonnet.
4:32:28 PM Livia: I am officially calling this Show Us Your Teeth Saturday. Rutgers and Oklahoma ARE who we THOUGHT they were!
4:34:07 PM Holly: Show us your Teeth. Just in time for October.
4:41:02 PM Livia: Lee Corso is such a bitch mitten.
4:41:48 PM Holly: WTF IS A BITCH MITTEN
4:42:07 PM Livia: a mitten that's a bitch. is english not your first language?
4:42:16 PM Livia: it just rolls off the tongue
4:42:18 PM Holly: Sssshhhh.
4:42:35 PM Livia: Bitch Mitten.
4:42:37 PM Livia: It sounds German
. 4:42:58 PM Holly: If you say it fast enough it sounds like a sneeze.

1:06:23 PM Momma: I back from putting the little monsters on the bus. . I spent 4 years in college for this. Not that I'm ABOVE it, I'm just OVER it. There's a difference between above and over that only a very astute linguistic mind understands. Capice?
1:06:36 PM Holly: capeesh.
1:59:14 PM Momma: bye now. going to yoga so I can mediate on the uselessness of other people. how nice to be ABOVE it all. XOXO

4:55:24 PM Janie: So, I took the day off because I needed to have my car looked at (note to Courtesy Nissan of Tampa: Laz in the Service Department is a creepy molester), and I get taken home in the courtesy van and I have them drop me off at this sandwich place near my house because I haven't eaten and have no food at home, and 10 minutes after they leave me there I remember my house key is attached to my car key which is up on a rack in a service department half an hour away. So, there I am with a sandwich and 3 hours to kill until they come back for me, and no keys. Thanks to my infernally slack landlord I have one window that doesn't lock, but it's 5 feet off the ground in one of those old elevated bungalows. I'm um, not exactly wearing a whole outfit today, if you know what I mean, and I'm halfway through the window with decency thrown to the wind when our creepy obsessed handyman shouts out from behind me to see if I need help. Not really, dude, but I do need you to close your eyes and walk away. Anyway, I just slithered through and went end-over-end into a heap on the floor and rolled out of sight. That was my day BEFORE lunch.
4:55:29 PM Janie: Oh, and my sandwich was smashed but I ate it anyway.

8:22:32 PM Holly: I don't know if you're watching Sunday!Night!is!Football!Night!, but Jared Lorenzen has finally found his calling.
8:22:51 PM Holly: He just used his body to block Eli's body from the camera so they couldn't see what the doctor was looking at on his arm.

10:27:31 PM Jeebsy:: You got your sippy cup out? (for your bourbon and ginger ale)
10:27:39 PM Holly: No!!
10:27:46 PM Holly: (....bendy straw.)

10:32:02 PM Livia: it's a real bitch trying to rank teams after this total ass-beating Saturday.
10:32:40 PM Holly: God, I bet.
10:33:31 PM Livia: but i feel it would be wrong to complain
10:33:44 PM Livia: very bite-the-hand-that-completed-my-lifey

5:52:27 PM Livia: and now jurassic park is on...! i can't believe this weekend.
5:52:57 PM Holly: WHOA.
5:55:26 PM Livia: i should buy a lottery ticket.
5:55:44 PM Holly: Or not walk outside, in fear of immediately being crushed by a falling piano.
5:56:32 PM Livia: also, this is probably the time to propose to arian foster. before he can fumble my engagement ring and some fat sec defender recovers it.

4:23:42 PM Momma: have you seen hairspray?
4:23:52 PM Holly: Of course
4:24:50 PM Momma: hit was fun, but I was a little disappointed in Revolta's rendition; guess I was expecting full-on drag queen again
4:25:01 PM Holly: Yeah, I wanted Harvey Fierstein.
4:29:09 PM Momma: pay attention to me
4:30:30 PM Holly: I cain't
4:30:32 PM Holly: I workin
4:31:09 PM Momma: sigh. ok. I will be the picture of patience, grasshopper.
4:31:28 PM Holly: You're odd.
4:33:50 PM Momma: and I have odd possessions. for example, on my desk at school I have an 8-ball answerer, a snow globe paper propper with fish and anemones inside it, and a wind-up pair of mickey mouse ears.
4:34:10 PM Holly: Do....do they move?
4:35:09 PM Momma: the ears? the fish in the snow globe? the answer dodecahedron inside the 8-ball. well, yeah, otherwise what's the point?
4:35:50 PM Holly: The ears.
4:36:14 PM Momma: and Todkill has an odd name. But a wonderful name. Did you know in England a fox is called a tod? I know this because I summered there last year.
4:36:23 PM Holly: Teaching you iChat was a mistake. I see that now.
4:37:06 PM Momma: well, the whole headpiece moves, taking the ears with it. The ears, unfortunately, do not move of their own accord.
4:37:21 PM Holly: I am suddenly cold all over.

8:04:51 PM Holly: Well, it's me, so I think you should've screwed him in a stadium bathroom.
8:05:30 PM Janie: That would have been both really sweaty and disgusting, and worth the drive.
8:06:17 PM Janie: "You taste like coppertone spray SPF 50, baby."
8:06:42 PM Holly: "Is that a palmetto bug in your pants, or are you just happy to...FUCK FUCK IT'S A PALMETTO BUG GET IT OFF ME"
8:06:53 PM Janie: "I'm sorry, can we switch it up? This rusty patch of Orange Bowl is shredding my back."
8:07:44 PM Holly: While he's shredding your front. I bet he's a biter.
8:07:56 PM Janie: Ooooooooooh.

7:13:24 PM Holly: MIZ NAINCY!
7:16:56 PM Momma: what doin
7:17:30 PM Holly: Drankin!
7:17:33 PM Momma: i'm watching Rear Window, to be followed by DIal M for Murder....oooooo
7:17:37 PM Holly: OOOOH.
7:17:44 PM Momma: drankin what??!?!
7:18:14 PM Holly: Drankin' white wine because that's how gangster I am
7:19:35 PM Momma: i'm trying to record all the Hitchcock movies on this week ( 2 every night) and this involves using the timer on the DVD recorder which I haven't figured out yet. I need the Geek Squad.
7:20:05 PM Holly: Use baby.
7:20:13 PM Holly: (Josh, not that rice thing)
7:20:57 PM Momma: I'ont know how good he is at long distance directions. I'll just hobble along on my own, as usual
7:21:50 PM Holly: You're a soldier.
7:22:39 PM Momma: silver wings upon their chests...these are men, America's best....(are you with me yet?)
7:22:51 PM Holly: (Hardly ever.)
7:23:11 PM Momma: Green Beret song. from the 60s.
7:23:14 PM Holly: (But I suspect you're singing.)
7:23:19 PM Holly: Bingo!
7:23:31 PM Momma: see you are the smartest on the playground
7:23:41 PM Holly: ....and?
7:23:49 PM Momma: the prettiest
7:23:54 PM Holly: That's right!

duck, duck, laser rocket arm