Snarkastic

Still holding out for Riverboat Queen & Beloved Corndog

Godspeed, nightlamb:

Bring your A-game and your misused French syntax.

Livia's off to the SEC Championship tomorrow (WHAT COULD GO WRONG), and we're now accepting suggestions for signage. So far, we have:

• "Eauxverrated"
• "Miles to Atlanta: 213. Miles to New Orleans: 601. Miles to Michigan: Monday."
• "Neaux Country for Old Hats"
• "Cry, the Beloved Corndog."
• "Perrilloux: Know when to walk away/Know when to run."
• "Where is your God now, Mark Richt?"
• "RYAN PERRILLOUX BE MY RIVERBOAT QUEEN"
• "WOLVERINES!!"
• I'll take Sugar with my T"

Well, I'm back: NCAA Week 14

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King Top 9 Poll of the season.

9:38:56 PM Holly: Why 9?
9:39:03 PM Holly: (I know, I just want to hear you yell)
9:39:14 PM Joan: I didn't want to put Georgia in the FUCKING TOP TEN BECAUSE THEY DONT DESERVE IT FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW
9:41:27 PM Holly: [hissing]

The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 13 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of things that look like elephants, but aren't elephants. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Peter Jackson and Andy Serkis. Their judgments should be enough for you.

Regular season is behind, the bowls ahead, and there are many paths to tread.

1. MISSOURI
SHELOB SAYS: You think you are wise, pollsters. Yet for all your subtleties, you have not wisdom. Do you think the eyes of Mizzou are blind? I have seen more than you know. With your left hand you would use me as a shield against Oklahoma, and with your right you would seek to supplant me. I know who rides with the Mountaineers. Oh, yes. Word has reached my ears of this Slaton, son of Araslaton, and I tell you now, I will not bow to this Ranger from the Big East, last of a ragged house long bereft of lordship! I was rooting for Kansas, but now that the Tigers are in the driver's seat, I hope they dismantle Oklahoma and head to the title game. It would be unbearable for OSU to slink their way back in. Geaux Tigers! (Awkward.)

2. WEST VIRGINIA
SHELOB SAYS: The stars are veiled. Something stirs in the Big East. A sleepless malice. The eye of the enemy is moving. He is HERE.

Now is the hour! Riders of Morgantown! Oaths you have taken, now fulfill them all, to lord and land! Note to Pat White: Put aside the ranger. Become who you were born to be. Take the Road to New Orleans.

3. OHIO STATE
SHELOB SAYS:
TRESSEL: They've suffered a defeat, yes, but... behind the walls of Blacksburg, our enemy is regrouping.
BOECKMAN: Let them stay there. Let them rot! Why should we care? We've locked up a BCS bid!
TRESSEL: No. There is still hope for the Hokies. They need time... and safe passage across the plains of the Atlantic Coastal Conference. They might even leapfrog us in the standings!
BOECKMAN: How?
TRESSEL: Think about it, Todd. We don?t have to play in a conference championship. They do. They can move up, while we can only move down.
BOECKMAN: But that's not fair!
TRESSEL: Fair? Was it FAIR for us to lose to unranked Illinois and then fail to blow Michigan out? No, but it happened anyway! Now we watch. And wait.

4. VIRGINIA TECH
SHELOB SAYS: Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Blacksburg, of the ACC, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear of losing to the Cavaliers that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Hokies fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shields, when the age of men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you STAND, MEN OF THE EAST!

5. KANSAS
SHELOB SAYS: There never was much hope; just a fool's hope. The way is shut. It was made by those who are dead, and the dead keep it. The way is shut. Let's look at the pros and cons of this loss. PRO: Hawaii is now the only undefeated team in the country, and will not be going to the national championship, to the outrage of playoff sympathizers everywhere. CON: It makes it that much easier for an undeserving OSU to get back in the title game. Come ON...they lose to Illinois two weeks ago, but get the nod over a Kansas team who lost to No. 4 Missouri in the final week of regulation? I don't think so.

6. LSU

SHELOB SAYS:
HOUSTON NUTT: Let the lord of the SEC West come forth! Let justice be done upon him!
GLENN DORSEY: My master, Miles the Great, bids thee welcome. Is there any in this divisional rivalry rabble with authority to treat with me?
HOUSTON NUTT: We do not come to treat with Miles, faithless and accursed. Tell your master this: the armies of Baton Rouge must disband. He is to depart these lands, to take the Michigan job, never to return.
GLENN DORSEY: Ahh, old bald head. I have a token I was bidden to show thee.
[Pulls out Tebow's tattered jersey and throws it at them]
DARREN MCFADDEN: [whispers] Tebow?
HOUSTON NUTT: Silence.
CASEY DICK: No!
HOUSTON NUTT: Silence!
GLENN DORSEY: The halfling was dear to thee, I see. Know that he suffered greatly at the hands of his host. Who knew that one so small could endure so much pain? And he did, Houston, he did. What makes you think you'll fare any better against the greatest defense in the land? Do you remember how you played against Tennessee?
[McFadden comes forward]
GLENN DORSEY: And who is this? The Heisman's heir? It takes more to make a winner than a broken season...
[McFadden cuts off Dorsey's head on a touchdown run]
CASEY DICK: I guess that concludes negotiations.

A tree. There was a white tree in a courtyard of stone. It was dead. The city was burning. Baton Rouge? Is that what you saw? No tomb for Perriloux and Doucet. No long, slow sleep of death embalmed. They shall burn, like the heathen kings of old. Bring wood and gaps in the defense.

HOUSTON NUTT: Send forth all legions. Do not stop the attack until the city is taken. Slay them all.
PEYTON HILLIS: [gesturing towards Miles] What of the wizard?
HOUSTON NUTT: [hissing] I will break him.

They're still the best two-loss team in the country, no question, but they haven't looked invincible in quite a while now. The SEC Championship should be extremely interesting. NOW do you think Michigan's job opening influenced Les Miles at all? I bet their fans believe it.

7. OKLAHOMA
SHELOB SAYS: Do not come between the Sooners and their prey. After dispatching OKState, they will turn their attention to feasting on the flesh of Missouri.

8. USC
SHELOB SAYS:
BOOTY: Here do I swear fealty and service to Los Angeles. In peace or war. In living or dying. F... f... from this hour henceforth, until my lord release me... or death take me.
CARROLL: And I shall not forget it. Nor fail to reward that which is given. Fealty with love, valor with honor, disloyalty with vengeance.

Just feel the need to put this out here...the team that upset USC lost to Notre Dame today. Good times.

9. HAWAII
SHELOB SAYS: You should not encourage them. Maybe I shouldn't doubt them. I do not doubt their heart, only the reach of their arms. Brennan is one good player. I just don't see them beating any of the teams ranked above them (not that they'll have that chance).

MISC...

KENTUCKY
My friends, you bow to no one. Kentucky played what can only be described as an amazing second half and then very nearly took us to a fifth overtime. If they had played like this against Florida or Georgia, they'd still be in the top ten. Andre Woodson, Regulation Hottie. (Know why I can say that? Because we won.)

FLORIDA
Murderers. Traitors. You would call upon them to fight? They believe in nothing. They answer to no one.

Oooooh, you beat Florida State. Good job. I know they beat BC, but they were overrated to begin with. Get back to me when you get to the SEC Champio---Oh, WAIT.

GEORGIA
With Tennessee clinching the SEC East, what did this game become? A diversion.

COLORADO
Certainty of death; small chance of success. What are we waiting for? This season could not have been more glorious for my beloved Buffs. Defeat of longtime oppressor Nebraska? Check. Defeat of hated high-ranking rival Oklahoma? Check. All that's left to do is release Ralphie into a crowd of unsuspecting Wyoming fans, and the victory will be complete.

MARYLAND
NC STATE: The dead do not suffer the living to pass.
CHRIS TURNER: You will suffer me.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE 2007 BOWL-ELIGIBLE MARYLAND TERRAPINS! FEAR! THE! TURTLE!

ALABAMA
They had no honor in life. They have none now in death.

JOHN PARKER WILSON: I can see Erin Andrews dancing. She had ribbons in her hair. If ever I were to marry someone, it would have been her. It would have been her.
[sits down and begins to cry]
DJ HALL: [leans over and hugs him] I'm glad to be with you, John Parker Wilson, here at the end of all things.

VIRGINIA
AL GROH: It must be getting near tea-time, leastways in decent places where there *is* still tea-time.
KELLER HARDY: We're not *in* decent places.

AUBURN
DJ HALL: You fool. No man can kill me.
BRANDON COX: I am no man.

ARIZONA STATE
BRADY LEAF: [to himself] What were you thinking, Brady Leaf? What service could a backup hobbit offer such a great lord of men?
RYAN LEAF: [approaching] You are to replace Dennis Dixon?
BRADY LEAF: I didn't think they would find any jerseys that would fit me.
RYAN LEAF: It once belonged to a boy of the citadel. A very foolish one; who spent many hours shooting his mouth off to journalists instead of studying his playbook.
BRADY LEAF: This was yours?
RYAN LEAF: Yes, it was mine.
BRADY LEAF: Well, that explains why we lost.

TEXAS
The city has fallen silent. There is no warmth left in the sun.

But I do not believe this darkness will endure. Texas just didn't have it this year, but they'll be back. Oh, they'll be back.

Too few have come to play. We cannot defeat the armies of Texas A&M. No. We cannot. But we will meet them in battle nonetheless.

ED ORGERON
BOONE: [Reading a note Orgeron has handed him] I have left instruction. The people are to follow your rule in my stead. Take up my seat in the Golden Hall. Long may you defend Oxford if the meeting goes ill. [He looks up] What other duty would you have me do?
ORGERON: Duty? [Smiling gently, patting his hand] Naww. Iwoodhavya smaahhl 'gin, not guhrieyuv fahhthahzzwhoostimacome. 'ooshal leeyuv tahseethesedayus renooowuhd. Naww mah dizpayuh.

LLOYD CARR
CORSO: He leaves because there is no hope.
MANNINGHAM: He leaves because he must.

You know, there's no reason they can't both be right.

BILL CALLAHAN
CALLAHAN: You have won many games and slain many foes, Husker Nation, and made peace afterwards. Can we not take council as we once did, my old friends? Can we not have peace?
FAN BASE: We shall have peace... We shall have peace, when you answer for the burning of the Lincolnfold! We shall have peace, when the lives of the student-athletes whose bodies were hewn even as they lay dead against the gates of Kansas, are avenged! When you hang from a gibbit for the sport of your own crows...! We shall have peace.
CALLAHAN: Gibbits and crows! DOTARDS! What do *you* want, Osborne Greyhame? Let me guess. The key to the stadium? Or perhaps the keys of Nebraska itself? Along with the crowns of the seven kings and the rods of the five wizards? [contemptuous snort]

NICK SABAN
Go back to the abyss! Fall into nothingness that awaits you and your master!

ALABAMA'S FANBASE
BILLIE JOE: Clever Saban, to build our hopes so high! [snarls, grips him by the throat]
CLETUS: Mustn't go with this record! Mustn't hurt our precious pride!
SABAN: [Choking] You swore! You swore you wouldn't expect too much!
CLETUS: [mocking] Oo-hoo-hoo-hoo...
SABAN: FAN BASE PROMISED!
BILLIE JOE: Fan base lied.

CLEMSON-SOUTH CAROLINA
STEVE SPURRIER: Is there a captain here who still has the courage to do his lord's will?
CHRIS SMELLEY: You wish now that our places had been exchanged... that I had been benched and Blake Mitchell had started.
STEVE SPURRIER: Yes.
STEVE SPURRIER: [whispering] I wish that.
CHRIS SMELLEY: Since you are robbed of Mitchell... I will do what I can in his stead.
[bows and turns to leave]
CHRIS SMELLEY: If I should return, think better of me, Coach.
STEVE SPURRIER [coldly, dismissively]: That will depend on the manner of your return.

OREGON-UCLA
DENNIS DIXON: [sadly] I didn't think it would end this way.
BOB STOOPS: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death of BCS hopes is just another path... one that we all must take. The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all turns to silver glass... And then you see it.
DENNIS DIXON: What? Coach?... See what?
BOB STOOPS: White shores... and beyond, a far green country under a swift sunrise.
DENNIS DIXON: [smiling] Well, that isn't so bad.
BOB STOOPS: [softly] No... no, it isn't.

NOTRE DAME-STANFORD
WEIS: My recruits are spent. My line has ended. ESPN has deserted us. Regis Philbin has betrayed me. Abandon your posts! Flee, flee for your lives!
[He turns around, and Harrison Smith knocks him out with his staff]
SMITH: [coldly] Prepare for battle!

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand... there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep... that have taken hold. A three-win season is one of those things.

POOR REGIONAL TELEVISING DECISIONS

Don't leave me! Don't show the game where I can't follow!

TENNESSEE
From the ashes, a fire shall be woken. A light from the shadow shall spring. Renewed shall be year that was broken. The crownless again shall be king.

[Immediately before overtime]
FULMER: We have time. Every day we move closer to Atlanta.
CHAVIS: Do we know that?
FULMER: What does your heart tell you?
CHAVIS: That our championship hope is alive. Yes. Yes, it's alive.

Hope is kindled.

That was a big game, but it still only counts as one. Let's focus on preparing for the SEC Championship now.

ARIAN FOSTER: [Both are overcome by exhaustion] Do you remember Rocky Top, Mr. Erik? It'll be winter soon. And the Christmas trees will be on top of the bank buildings. And Bruce Pearl will be screaming about something or the other. And they'll be drinking the first of the corn whiskey in the stands...do you remember the taste of corn whiskey?
ERIK AINGE: No, Arian. I can't recall the taste of food... nor the sound of water... nor the touch of grass. I'm... naked in the dark, with nothing, no veil... between me... and the wheel of fire! I can see Randy Sanders... with my waking eyes!
ARIAN FOSTER: Then let us be rid of it... once and for all! Come on, Mr. Erik. I can't carry it for you without drawing a personal foul penalty... but I can carry you!

When UT lost to Alabama and everyone counted us out, I was one of those people that Holly wanted to punch in the face for saying that we could still mathematically win the East, so I counted my lucky stars that I was a few hundred miles away from her. I had absolutely no right to hope that this would come to pass, but it has. See you in Atlanta, Les. The board is set. The pieces are moving.

DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Foster. Take your running play down the left flank. Jones, follow the King's banner down the center. Cottam, take your company right, after you pass the wall. Arise! Arise, Riders of Rocky Top! Spears shall be shaken, shields shall be splintered! A sword day... a red day... ere the sun rises!
[The King rides past his men, hitting their spears with his sword as he goes]
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Play now!... Play now!... Play! Play to ruin and the world's ending!
[He stops and faces Sanders' army]
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Death!
TENNESSEE: [echoing] Death!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: Death!
TENNESSEE: [echoing] Death!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: DEATH!
TENNESSEE: DEATH!
DAVID CUTCLIFFE: FORTH, VOLUNTEERS!

Forth, and fear no darkness.

Laff Riot 54: That Slut Stoled My Bible

9:33:37 PM Nastinchka: Shit.
9:33:42 PM Nastinchka: In the excitement of today?
9:33:53 PM Nastinchka: I think I forgot I wanted to punch you in the face for saying we could still win the east after Alabama.
9:34:00 PM Nastinchka: And that is REALLY SAYING SOMETHING.
9:34:02 PM Nastinchka: And I am sorry.
9:34:10 PM Livia: It's quite all right. You were one of many.
9:34:14 PM Nastinchka: And I will still want to punch you in the face if you say it again next year.
9:34:17 PM Nastinchka: But right now I'm sorry.
9:34:23 PM Livia: No, you're not.
9:34:33 PM Nastinchka: Well, I would be if I'd gone through with it.
9:34:45 PM Livia: All right then.

Nastinchka: How's the coaching [6-year-old girls' basketball, long story --ed.] going?
JHC: They're TERRIBLE.
Nastinchka: [FULL NAME REDACTED]!!
JHC: They're so short and clumsy!
Nastinchka: They're SIX!
JHC: And their little arms? Can we even get the ball up to the rim?
Nastinchka: You're going to make a great dad.
JHC: You're making excuses for them!
Nastinchka: You're awful.
JHC: Whatever. I can't make 'em taller, but I can make 'em run.

7:48:03 PM Barstoolio: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO OKLAHOMA I CANNOT DEAL WITH KANSAS AT NUMBER TWO I AM SPIRALLING INTO MISERY
7:48:16 PM Nastinchka: Perhaps you need to think of this
7:48:22 PM Nastinchka: Oklahoma is being beaten by pirates.
7:48:32 PM Barstoolio: Huh.
7:48:38 PM Barstoolio: That's actually kind of effective.
7:48:44 PM Nastinchka: They system works!
7:49:09 PM Barstoolio: I'd prefer the pirates beat Kansas, but oh well. So long as someone's walkin' the plank.

11:54:30 AM PB: gonna grocery shop at halftime. what should i get?
11:54:55 AM Nastinchka: Don't laugh
11:55:06 AM Nastinchka: but i didn't take any turkey home with me from dinner
11:55:12 AM Nastinchka: so I walked to the store last night and bought some
11:55:21 AM PB: hmm
11:55:21 AM Nastinchka: so I could have a leftover turkey sandwich.
11:55:28 AM Nastinchka: I suggest this move.
11:55:33 AM PB: not a bad idea
11:55:34 AM Nastinchka: discount turkey!
11:55:51 AM Nastinchka: I will eat nothing but wheat bread, turkey, and mustard the rest of the weekend.
11:55:55 AM Nastinchka: And it will be glorious.
11:56:12 AM Nastinchka: not that deli turkey either, it's slimy and gross.
11:56:39 AM Nastinchka: fake leftovers!
11:57:24 AM PB: i like it. i didn't get the original turkey either. might as well do faux leftovers to get some thanksgivingness out of the weekend. maybe i'll buy some cranberry just so i can be grossed out by it.
11:58:16 AM Nastinchka: that jelly stuff? eeeew.
11:58:25 AM Nastinchka: Real cranberry sauce does not wiggle.
11:58:37 AM PB: do not like
11:58:58 AM PB: but it will feel like thanksgiving to buy some and ignore it

9:19:01 PM Livia: am sleepy ducky
9:19:05 PM Livia: i loooove you
9:19:09 PM Nastinchka: lovemalamb
9:19:17 PM Livia: hoooo-hoo
9:19:49 PM Nastinchka: I know the exact note you just hit.
9:20:06 PM Livia: CHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
9:20:12 PM Nastinchka: he he he he he
9:20:14 PM Nastinchka: ha ha ha ha ha
9:20:49 PM Livia: chitty bang bang chitty chitty bang bang
9:21:01 PM Nastinchka: *tap dances*
9:21:10 PM Livia: *bites head off live bat*
9:21:24 PM Nastinchka: go.
9:21:30 PM Livia: you don't own me.
9:21:39 PM Livia: don't say i can't go with other boys.
9:21:41 PM Nastinchka: YOU
9:21:43 PM Nastinchka: dammit
9:21:46 PM Nastinchka: I was so going there.
9:22:05 PM Livia: speaking of people not owning me
9:22:21 PM Livia: i think i am being dragged to beowulf by trey, stephen, and patrick this weekend.
9:22:24 PM Livia: do not want.
9:22:30 PM Nastinchka: Oh, GREAT.
9:22:46 PM Livia: i think i should take the book and read aloud in front of the screen
9:23:10 PM Livia: and i will dress as seamus heaney
9:23:18 PM Nastinchka: It should not surprise you at all to learn I fully support this.
9:23:36 PM Livia: But it never feels anything but happy and new.

9:42:36 PM PB: If I were half as observant as Jessica Fletcher I'd be so much better at life.
9:54:46 PM PB: Real exchange from the show:
9:56:16 PM PB: Dude who just confessed: "If you only you had not just found my lighter!" Jessica: "Oh, I didn't. I bought this today. In the market. On the chance that I was right." With the look only Angela Lansbury can give: that disappointed, judging you for being a criminal, damn it sucks to be right and bust all these upper class people for murder all the time.

8:15:04 PM Barstoolio: I just got my toe stuck in a wine bottle. I thought I should tell someone.
8:15:22 PM Barstoolio: It's too ridiculous to keep to myself.
8:16:03 PM Nastichka: Well, it won't be.
8:16:04 PM Nastichka: Kept.
8:16:04 PM Barstoolio: Clearly, what was in the bottle before my toe impeded my judgement just now.
8:17:04 PM Barstoolio: You really should have Adium create some kind of check box
8:17:11 PM Barstoolio: where the morning after
8:17:14 PM Nastichka: I should.
8:17:29 PM Barstoolio: people can indicate if they were inebriated and comments should be stricken from the record
8:17:47 PM Barstoolio: unfortunately, I only had an inch of wine
8:17:58 PM Barstoolio: so I don't even have an excuse.
8:18:15 PM Barstoolio: I'm just the kind of person who gets her toe stuck in a wine bottle.
8:18:49 PM Barstoolio: Good thing I have no home phone, or I'd be fielding calls from ABC producers looking for the next Bachelorette.

6:59:23 PM Momma: ya know I been callin' my car Velvet
6:59:41 PM Momma: Velvet Volvo
6:59:41 PM Nastinchka: like a pony
7:00:04 PM Momma: but to some people I can say her WHOLE name, which is....
7:00:10 PM Momma: BLACK velvet
7:00:18 PM Momma: like Aylvis pictures on black velvet and that sort of thing

2:35:35 PM Livia: So. I have a date tonight.
2:35:51 PM Livia: I just wanted you to know in cse you get frantic text messages begging for rescue.
2:35:54 PM Nastinchka: WHO?
2:36:02 PM Nastinchka: When do I need to call you?
2:36:10 PM Livia: This guy from one of my classes last semester.
2:36:17 PM Nastinchka: Wait, do I know about this one?
2:36:39 PM Livia: Remember on my birthday when we were watching Joyride and I kept getting text messages and you were suspiocus? This was tht guy.
2:36:59 PM Nastinchka: OK.
2:37:02 PM Nastinchka: When am I calling you?
2:37:18 PM Livia: I'm gonna say 8:20?
2:37:50 PM Livia: And if I don't answer, I'm either in his backseat or dead in an ice bath.
2:37:59 PM Livia: (you never know with english majors)
2:41:58 PM Livia: I am actually really looking forward to this tonight
2:42:19 PM Livia: He's not an alcoholic, rageaholic, or millionaire, so, you know, I got that going for me.
2:43:22 PM Nastinchka: It's always nice to try new things.
2:44:23 PM Livia: I'll bear that in mind when he doesn't spill tequila down my shirt, scream furiously at someone, or try to make me sign a contract.
2:45:23 PM Nastinchka: Again, new things.
2:46:20 PM Livia: Yeah, we'll see.

6:24:18 PM JHC: 24 hours in? The Ohio State people are still at it. Wow.
6:24:51 PM JHC: They are somethin. I haven't responded to a word of it.
6:25:00 PM Nastinchka: Don't. it won't do a thing.
6:25:04 PM Nastinchka: Just let them have their fun.
6:25:12 PM JHC: Its like arguing with a drunk
6:25:13 PM JHC: retard
6:25:16 PM JHC: on crank
6:25:19 PM JHC: with no ears.

8:06:12 PM Nastinchka: Your boys are coming back.
8:06:17 PM Nastinchka: (which you know.)
8:06:36 PM Nastinchka: (which was really just a way of bringing up the steelers)
8:06:50 PM Nastinchka: (so I could say LOOK AT TOMLIN'S LITTLE TOBOGGAN!!!!)
8:06:53 PM PB: Waaaaay too many slow-developing plays
8:07:02 PM Nastinchka: Focus on his LITTLE HEAD IN THAT HAT!
8:07:05 PM PB: This line isn't suited for that
8:07:16 PM Nastinchka: I mean...yes. Poor execution
8:07:18 PM Nastinchka: (HAT!)
8:07:37 PM Nastinchka: it is THAT CUTE
8:07:44 PM Nastinchka: I have a weakness for hats.
8:07:52 PM PB: there is nothing cute about that man. he would eat his first son to win.
8:08:00 PM Nastinchka: Except his widdle FACE.
8:08:24 PM PB: it is a lure for innocent girls to wander too near and have their innocence BITTEN OFF
8:08:34 PM Nastinchka: where the fuck does one keep one's innocence?
8:08:44 PM PB: on your face, where tomlin can bite it

1:08:56 PM Livia: tony romo cant even be bothered to put his hand over his heart for the national anthem on thanksgiving day. to give you some perspective on this, terrell owens could be seen mouthing the words.
1:09:22 PM Nastinchka: How are the mighty fallen.
1:09:28 PM Nastinchka: Or, in this case, Tony Romo.
1:09:38 PM Livia: i was gonna say.

2:40:25 PM Nastinchka: I thought I just heard Uncle Verne say "Arkansas will bunt"
2:40:43 PM Nastinchka: And while I'm sure I was wrong, I don't feel like this is out of the realm of plausibility for a team coached by Houston Nutt.
2:40:55 PM Swindle: Reggie Fish on a crucial punt is poison
2:41:12 PM Swindle: He was the guy who botched the punt that turned the game against Florida in the SECCG
2:41:21 PM Nastinchka: He has a Coen villain name.
2:41:36 PM Swindle: He's been waiting to kill someone his whole life.
2:41:58 PM Nastinchka: 15 minutes to hell. Or the Music City Bowl.
2:42:24 PM Swindle: During hard times, Louisianans volunteer to be fed to Mike the Tiger
2:42:48 PM Swindle: Issanhonnah!
2:43:38 PM Nastinchka: Gary, it doesn't MATTER how dePENDable Early Doucet is if he only has ONE LEG.

6:50:11 PM Nastinchka: How're we doing/ I feel like the secondary is drying up.
6:50:21 PM Nastinchka: That was a mistyped question mark, not a poem.
6:58:19 PM JHC: You're still rollin.
6:58:32 PM JHC: I just made the same comment about Tebow's hips.

5:53:22 PM Nastinchka: AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA(read thread)
5:53:29 PM PB: ok
5:53:34 PM Nastinchka: (please.)
5:56:48 PM PB: I like when guys throw in stupid shit that they think will impress women. "If it's not 350 thread count blah blah"
5:57:14 PM Nastinchka: Added to the fact that he's totally wrong, 350's no-thing.
5:58:05 PM PB: And even if it was, that they think a woman would read it, gasp a little, and think, "Now THIS is a guy I want!"
5:58:33 PM Nastinchka: If I ever met a guy who had a higher thread count than me I'd be totally floored and not in a good way.
5:58:54 PM PB: Don't blame you
5:59:13 PM Nastinchka: or who even KNEW his thread count.
5:59:27 PM PB: That, too. They don't post that shit at Target.
5:59:37 PM Nastinchka: Yes, they do.
5:59:39 PM Nastinchka: (see?)
5:59:43 PM PB: Oh.

7:07:07 PM Barstoolio: Something just reminded me of this, but today I was watching the Florida game with people OH FUCK YES MIZZOU and there was a shot of the booth and I noted that, if you looked at him head-on, Verne Lundquist's head looks EXACTLY like a white gumdrop. No one thought it was funny. I missed you and Jeebsy.
7:27:12 PM Nastinchka: Awwww!
7:28:06 PM Barstoolio: LOOK AT HIS HEAD NEXT TIME!
7:28:28 PM Nastinchka: I don't see how I'll ever forget that whether I want to or not.
7:29:52 PM Barstoolio: Why forget? They're delicious!
7:30:10 PM Nastinchka: DO NOT WANT TO EAT FAVORITE UNCLE.
7:31:07 PM Barstoolio: [candy head rescinded]
7:31:16 PM Nastinchka: Oh, it's still funny.
7:31:23 PM Nastinchka: Just not something I want to entertain for very long
7:31:34 PM Barstoolio: understood.

8:05:00 PM Nastinchka: Madden's gone Seussian
8:05:04 PM Nastinchka: "the ball is wet"
8:05:07 PM Nastinchka: "the grass is wet"
8:05:11 PM Nastinchka: I have a Colt I like to pet
8:05:22 PM Livia: I will not fly in jumbo jets
8:05:32 PM Livia: I wash my hair before it sets

11:43:42 PM Princess PrettyPants: i already made him the cd
11:43:44 PM Princess PrettyPants: but he lost it
11:43:49 PM Princess PrettyPants: obviously
11:43:54 PM Nastinchka: how appropriate
11:44:05 PM Princess PrettyPants: which even he said i should have seen coming
11:44:09 PM Nastinchka: "I lost it...just like I lost my way...on the path to your heart."
11:44:12 PM Nastinchka: [soulful blinking]
11:44:22 PM Nastinchka: [scribbles poem]
11:44:26 PM Nastinchka: [drinks, a lot]
11:44:37 PM Princess PrettyPants: i lost it... just like i lost my balance when i fell into my notebook and wrote you that poem
11:44:44 PM Nastinchka: I tripped!
11:44:57 PM Princess PrettyPants: i lost control of my poor artist pencil
11:45:03 PM Princess PrettyPants: !!!! what was i to do
11:45:23 PM Princess PrettyPants: chugs whiskey
11:45:31 PM Nastinchka: GOOD OLE WHISKEY
11:45:31 PM Princess PrettyPants: *leans

11:55:16 AM Momma: did you know that when you're learning bellydancing one of the moves/positions is Ronde De Jambe??
11:55:21 AM Momma: takes me back to your ballet days!
11:55:31 AM Nastinchka: ....what are you doing BELLYDANCING?
11:55:44 AM Momma: I have TIME on my hands
11:56:13 AM Momma: and bells

1:09:22 PM Nastinchka: gotta run, but i am sure I'll talk to you post-turkey.
1:10:56 PM Livia: call you from the road tomorrow
1:11:28 PM Nastinchka: lovematurducky
1:11:38 PM Livia: STOP THAT.

I SAID IT'S GREAT

Parlez-vous SEC Championship?

Good night, sweet season

Weekend specials, cheering interests in bold:

Friday:

• Nebraska @ Colorado
• Arkansas @ LSU
• Texas @ Texas A&M
• Boise State @ Hawaii

Saturday:


• Miami @ Boston College
• Virginia Tech @ Virginia
• Maryland @ NC State
• Tennessee @ Kentucky
• Southern vs. Grambling*
• Oregon @ UCLA**
• Connecticut @ West Fuckin' By-God Virginia
• Notre Dame @ Stanford***
• Florida State @ Florida****
• Missouri vs. Kansas
• Alabama @ Auburn*****

Stupid Fat Hobbit: NCAA Week 13

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 12 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of tragicomic schizophrenia. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Wormtongue, Excised Bombadil, the magic glow coming out of Cate Blanchett's pores, Howard Shore's Catchy Rohan Theme That Never Fully Leaves Your Head, Treebeard, And Coach Asshole Orc That Killed Haldir, Even Though Haldir Totally Would Have Won If It Had Been A Fair Fight [sniff! --ed.].

1. LSU
GOLLUM SAYS: They have only to remove those who oppose them. The power of the enemy is growing. Les Miles will use his puppet Dorsey to destroy the people of Arkansas. The West has been unleashed. The Eye of Miles now turns to Atlanta, the last free kingdom of men. His war on this country will come swiftly. He senses the SEC Championship Ring is close. In his heart, Darren McFadden begins to understand. The Heisman quest will claim his life. For Miles will have dominion over all life on this Earth, even unto the ending of the world. The time of Razorbacks is over. Do they leave the East champion to its fate? Do they let them stand alone?

None of us seriously think that Arkansas has a chance against them, right? Even in this season of the upset? Regardless, they've clinched the West, and I shudder to think about facing an infuriated LSU that lost their national title hopes in the last game of the season. It's better for everyone if they just win and Les Miles doesn't feel obligated to burn the entire city of Baton Rouge to the ground.

2. KANSAS
SMEAGOL SAYS: The fate of the world will now be decided in Arrowhead Stadium. The veiling shadow that glowers in the Big 12 takes shape. Mangino will suffer no rival. From the summit of Lawrence his eye watches ceaselessly. But he is not so mighty yet that he is above fear. Doubt ever gnaws at him. The rumor has reached him. The heir of Kellen Winslow lives. Mangino fears you, Gary Pinkel. He fears what you may become. And so he will strike hard and fast at the world of Mizzou. Miles and Mangino are tightening the noose around the bowl bid. But, for all their cunning, we have one advantage. The Conference Championship Rings remain hidden. We must trust now in Tennessee and Oklahoma. Everything depends now upon speed and upon the secrecy of their quest.

I know that the WWL won't shut up about this, but you might have become accustomed to hearing it by now, and I would like for you to just take a second and think about the fact that KANSAS and MISSOURI are playing next weekend for a slot in New Orleans. If I had said that before Week 1, would you have laughed in my face and shoved me into a gutter, or would you have had me committed?

3. MISSOURI
GOLLUM SAYS: Open war is upon you whether you would risk it or not. Whatever luck you live by... let's hope it lasts the night. Look at them. They're frightened. You can see it in their eyes. And they should be. They cannot win this fight. They are all going to die.

4. WEST VIRGINIA
SMEAGOL SAYS: They will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the Mountaineer. Attention, fans: if West Virginia survives this war, you will still be parted. If LSU is defeated and Slaton made king and all that you hope for comes true you will still have to taste the bitterness of mortality. Whether by defection or the slow decay of time, Slaton and White will leave. And there will be no comfort for you, no comfort to ease the pain of their passing. They will come to the NFL an image of the splendor of the kings of Men in glory undimmed before the breaking of the world. But you, the fan base, you will linger on in darkness and in doubt as nightfall in winter that comes without a star. Here you will dwell bound to your grief under the fading trees until all the world is changed and the long years of your life are utterly spent. West Virginia lost to South Florida early in the season, yet they are two losses away from the title game. Good luck, Mountaineers. I would rather see you there than OSU.

5. ARIZONA STATE
GOLLUM SAYS:
KEEGAN HERRING: [Looking around frantically] What is it? What do you smell?
RUDY CARPENTER: [Pointing at USC] Man flesh! They've picked up our trail.

Did someone say something last week about Arizona State having a part to play yet? Did someone say something about the pity of Oregon ruling many? Say hello to sudden Top 10 matchup ASU-USC.

6. OHIO STATE
SMEAGOL SAYS:
TRESSEL: From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak I fought with the Balcarr of Michigan... Until at last I threw down my enemy and smote his ruin upon the mountain side... Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time... The stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as a life age of the earth... But it was not the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my Rose Bowl is done.

7. HAWAII
GOLLUM SAYS: Don't talk to it, pollsters. Don't encourage it. Farmers, ferriers, stable boys. These are no soldiers. Most have seen too many winters. Or too few.

I considered dropping Hawaii because they almost lost to Nevada, but consider: they only won on a last-tick kick, but they played all but four downs without Colt Brennan. I am amazed they didn't lose by 20, much less won. Are they really one of the ten best teams in the country? No, no they're not. But I feel guilty keeping the only other undefeated team in the country out of the poll when so many others have fallen.

8. VIRGINIA TECH
SMEAGOL SAYS: A new power is rising. Its victory is at hand. March to the ACC Championship. Leave none alive. To war!

9. OREGON
GOLLUM SAYS:

MIKE BELLOTI: [Frowning] A great host, you say?
DENNIS DIXON: All the student section is emptied.
BELLOTI: How many?
DIXON: Ten thousand strong at least.
BELLOTI: [astonished] Ten thousand?
DIXON: It is an army bred for a single purpose: to destroy the world of Ducks. They will be here by the two minute warning.
BELLOTI: [Fiercely] Let them come.

Here's the thing. I understand that Dixon is a great player. He is my Heisman vote. However, he is only ONE MAN. His injury was devastating to the Ducks, but cannot be used as an excuse for their total and unprecedented collapse. Yeah, it sucks that they had to start a Leaf. But that does not explain the complete degeneration of their defense! Dixon is not a defensive player! What the HELL happened to Oregon? They were looking like the real deal until Dixon planted that knee.

10. USC
SMEAGOL SAYS:
BOOTY: This looks strangely familiar.
CARROLL: Because we've been here before. We're going in circles!

I thought they were dead! No, you cannot kill them. No. They come with fire, they come with axes... gnawing, biting, breaking, hacking, burning. Destroyers and usurpers, curse them. You and I both know that the polls put Georgia in the Top 10, but I will not do that. Any of you that need a reminder why need look no further than October 7. The place was Neyland Stadium. The team was Tennessee. The result was a barely legal bloodsport. People who think the Dawgs are amazing now because of Mark Richt's motivational skills are overlooking one key factor: the whole reason that they NEED motivation is because of the demoralizing ass-stomping they took from us. Also, Florida is ridiculously overrated at 13, and I will be damned if I put a THREE-LOSS TEAM IN MY TOP TEN GO TO HELL FLORIDA I HATE YEEEEEWWWWW

MISC...

TEXAS TECH
A red sun rises, blood has been spilled this night.

TEXAS TECH: Final count, 34-27.
COLORADO: 34-27? Oh, that's not bad for a round-shouldered Texan troglodyte. We upset them first, though.
TEXAS TECH: [takes out an arrow, and shoots the Sooners in the stomach] Well, we upset them twice.
COLORADO: They were already dead!
TEXAS TECH: They were twitching.
COLORADO: They were *twitching* because they've got our axe EMBEDDED IN THEIR NERVOUS SYSTEMS!

GEORGIA
Bring your pretty face to my axe.

MICHIGAN
They're wasted on long coverage plays! They are natural sprinters, very dangerous over short distances.

MIAMI
Maybe they do deserve to die, but now that I see them I do pity them.

BOSTON COLLEGE
[Matt Ryan looks wonderingly around]
CALLENDER: Breathe the free air again, my friend.
RYAN: Dark have been my dreams of late. [looks at his hands]
CALLENDER: Your fingers would remember their old strength better... if they threw deep downfield.

VANDERBILT
The enemy? His sense of duty was no less than ours, I deem (though his kicking foot certainly was). You wonder what his name is, where he comes from, and if he really was evil at heart. What lies or threats led him on this long march from Nashville, and would he not rather have stayed there... in peace?

LLOYD CARR
So it begins. Three hundred lives of men he has walked this earth and now he has no time.

TOM OSBORNE
Osborne? Osborne...yes...that was what they used to call me. Osborne the Gray. That was my name. *I* am Osborne the White. And I come back to you now - at the turn of the tide.

ARIZONA
Look at their men. Their courage hangs by a thread. If this was to be their end, then I would have them make such an end, as to be worthy of remembrance.

MIKE STOOPS: If the offensive line is breached, Oregon will fall.
ANTOINE CASON: Even if it is breached, it will take a number beyond reckoning, thousands, to rush the passer.
STOOPS: Tens of thousands.
CASON: But, my lord, there is no such force. [They walk onto the field. A horn sounds. A Wildcat army of thousands stomp their hooves and scream hungrily.]

MARYLAND
Where is the Terp and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain, like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the ACC behind the hills into shadow. How did it come to this?

PENN STATE
It's true you don't see many Nittany women. And in fact, they are so alike in voice and appearance, that they are often mistaken for Nittany men. It's the beards. And this in turn has given rise to the belief that there are no Nittany women, and that they just spring out of holes in the ground! Which is, of course, ridiculous.

CAL
You'll find more cheer in a graveyard.

LOU HOLTZ
Be silent. Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth. I did not pass through fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm. In one thing you haven't changed, my friend - you still speak in riddles.

GAMEDAY
MARIO MANNINGHAM What business does a bottle blond, a man, and a dwarf have in the Big House? Speak quickly.
LEE CORSO: Give me your name, wolf-master, and I shall give you mine.
MANNINGHAM: [dismounts] I would cut off your head, dwarf, if it stood but a little higher from the ground.
KIRK HERBSTREIT: [draws a bow and aims at arrow at Manningham's throat] You would die before your stroke fell.

LOUISIANA-MONROE
QUINTEZ SECKA: Fell deeds awake... Now for Wrath... Now for Ruin... and the Red Dawn...FORTH, WARHAWKS!!

SABAN
SABAN: [pensively] Who am I, Wilson?
JOHN PARKER WILSON: You are our king, sire.
SABAN: And do you trust your king?
WILSON: [Uncomfortably] Your men, my Lord, will follow you to whatever end.
SABAN: [Madly] To whatever end...

TENNESSEE
AINGE: I can't do this, Dan.
LINCOLN: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be contending for an SEC title. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Erik. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the season go back to the way it was when so many total collapses had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Erik, I do understand. I know now. Folk on those teams had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
AINGE: What are we holding onto, Dan?
LINCOLN: That there's some good in this season, Mr. Erik... and it's worth fighting for.

I work with geniuses.

This is roughly half the population of our office, with some time to kill:

The funniest thing I've ever seen in professional football.

He didn't earn me any fantasy points doing it, but I have never in my life laughed so hard at an NFL game as I did just now, shortly after watching Maurice Jones-Drew put Merriman flat on his ass in the red zone. Seriously, it was like watching a kitten knock over a refrigerator. I suddenly want a Tivo, just to capture this moment.

[Update via S2N]

Magical.

Cool Kids' Table: Week 10

Now, this won't last, but it's a fair assessment of the season so far--and it's posted to remind you that yes, once again, that's Lizzy, Texy, Janie, and Our Heroine, atop the leaderboard ahead of aaaaalll those boys.

Saturday Tierra del Fuego

Today's Special, cheering interests in bold:

• Ohio State @ Michigan*
• Maryland @ Florida State
• Kentucky @ Georgia**
• Vandy @ Tennessee
• Duke @ Notre Dame***
• Cal @ Washington****
• LSU @ Ole Miss*****
• West Fuckin' Virginia @ Cincy
• Boston College @ Clemson

At this rate,

• Cuz, I have never been more certain that we are actually related.
• Coase Theorem Smackdown
• Just do what I do--leave this window open all day, and when you need a giggle, peek back at the fuh-LAMING indignation in the comment thread.
• No matter who you are, there's a pretty good chance that Brian Cook is smarter than you. Michigander or no, his umbrage is right on, and so is everyone else's.
• The Ladies are tackling an unbelievably involved baseball something-or-other over at The Sporting News.
• This one moment brought me so much joy last Saturday, and it's seriously carried me through my week. Am I the only one who finds this utterly charming and hysterical and not in a derisive sense? Oh, Uncle Verne:

  The clip regrettably omits this exchange (no, really):

  VERNE: "I am the son of a preacher man and I just got into it."
  GARY: "Can't take THAT to Augusta."

  Probably true....although we'd love to see him try.

One Ring To Rule Them All: NCAA Week 12

Wrote it: JMW
Imaged it: HRA

I am proud to present the First Annual Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 11 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of pity staying people's hands. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Gwaihir, Rosie Cotton, Liv Tyler's Magically Fluctuating "British" "Accent", Spider Orcs That Crawl Down From Ceilings, The Frodo Baggins Action Figures I Get On Every Birthday and Love So Deeply, Ian McKellan's Stolen Oscar That He Should Sue Over, And Coach Stuart Townsend, Guy Who Played Lestat In Crappy Modern Vampire Sequel And Was Cast As Aragorn Before Mercifully Being Fired After A Week.

The road to the BCS title game goes on and on
Down from the Big House where it began
Now far away the road has gone
And all must follow, if they can
Pursuing it with eager feet
Until it joins on Bourbon Street
Where many backs and safeties meet
And whither then? I cannot say.

The world is changed. I can feel it in the earth. I can feel it in the water. I can smell it in the air. Much that once was is lost, for none now live who remember it. It began with the forging of the Bowl Championship System. One bowl was given to New Orleans; immortal, wisest and fairest of all beings. One to the Orange Lords, great farmers and craftsmen of the coastal plains. One to Tempe, because everyone likes Tempe. And one, one bowl was gifted to the race of Californians, who above all else desire power.

For within these bowls was bound the strength and the will to govern over each conference. But they were all of them deceived, for a new bowl was made. In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sagarin forged in secret, a master bowl, to control all others. And into this bowl he poured all his cruelty, his malice and his will to dominate all life. One bowl to rule them all. One by one, the free peoples of the NCAA fell to the power of the Bowl. But there were some who resisted. A last alliance of Buffs, Illini, and Terrapins marched against the armies of Mordor, and on the very slopes of Mount Doom, they fought for the freedom of Middle-Earth. Victory was near, but the power of the BCS could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had faded, that the fans, the true supporters of college football, took up their fathers' sword. And Sagarin, enemy of the free peoples of a playoff system, was defeated. The Bowl passed to the fans, who had this one chance to destroy evil forever, but the hearts of men are easily corrupted, especially the hearts of greedy university presidents. And the bowl of power has a will of its own. It betrayed the fans, to their death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. And for two and a half thousand years, the bowl system passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, the bowl ensnared another bearer. The bowl came to the Division III creature Gollum, who took it deep into the tunnels under the Appalachian Mountains, and there it consumed him. The ring gave to Gollum unnatural long life. For five hundred years it poisoned his mind; and in the gloom of Gollum's locker room, it waited. Darkness crept back into the forests of the world. Rumor grew of a shadow in the East, whispers of a nameless fear, and the Bowl of Power perceived. Its time had now come. It abandoned Gollum. But then something happened that the Bowl did not intend. It featured the most unlikely creature imaginable. A hobbit, Bilbo Baggins, of the Shire. For the time will soon come when hobbits will shape the fortunes of all...

1. LSU
FRODO SAYS:
MATT FLYNN: Get back, Dennis! I'm going to the Superdome alone!
DENNIS DIXON: Of course you are. And I'm comin' with you!

His treachery runs deeper than you know. By foul craft, Les Miles has crossed Orcs with goblin men. He's breeding an army in the caverns of Death Valley. An army that can move in sunlight and cover great distance at speed. Miles is coming for the Championship Ring. Against the power of Baton Rouge there can be no victory. Actually, I'm not sure I believe that quite as wholeheartedly anymore. I know the Tigers think they're a team of destiny, and maybe they are, but at some point you have to question a team that waits until the last possible minute to put away opponents who by all indicators seem inferior. That being said, I still think they get the edge over the Ducks.

2. OREGON
FRODO SAYS: It's a pity they didn't kill Arizona State when they had the chance...but it was pity that stayed Oregon's hand. Many that live (Georgia, Florida) deserve death. Some that die (Maryland, Colorado) deserve life. Can you give it to them, pollsters? Do not be too eager to deal out death in judgment. Even the very wise cannot see all ends. My heart tells me that Arizona State has some part to play yet, for good or ill before this is over. The pity of Oregon may rule the fate of many.

3. OKLAHOMA
FRODO SAYS: Are you frightened? Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Buffs in the deep places of the world. Oklahoma State played their asses off against Kansas, and barely lost to Texas. Don't get carried away.

4. KANSAS
FRODO SAYS: There's an eye-opener, and no mistake.

MANGINO: This is it.
TALIB: This is what?
MANGINO: If I win one more game, it'll be the farthest away from reality I've ever been.
TALIB: Come on, Coach. Remember what Reesing used to say: "It's a dangerous business, Aqib, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to."

5. MISSOURI
FRODO SAYS: Missouri players, I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve. You won convincingly today, though, and you appear to deserve this spot. If you want them, Jayhawks, come and claim them! That final game looks like it's going to be a beast.

6. WEST VIRGINIA
FRODO SAYS: They have a cave troll. His name is Steve Slaton, and he allows them to win even when Pat White does his absolute best to lose at home. UConn is reeling, and might lash out next week.

7. HAWAII
FRODO SAYS: You cannot hide. I see you. There is no life in the void. Only death. Rainbow Warriors? Rainbow Warriors are weak. I hope to be there the day the strength of Rainbow Warriors fails. That should be next Saturday.

8. ARIZONA STATE
FRODO SAYS: You're still a one-loss team, and a better team than anyone had any right to expect. May that be a light for you in dark places, when all other lights go out. Like when you host USC.

9. OHIO STATE
FRODO SAYS: What's this? A Buckeye, caught off his guard? I don't know how long they tortured Tressel, but through the endless screams and inane babble, they discerned two words: Juice Williams.

10. VIRGINIA TECH
FRODO SAYS: You did not seriously think a Bowden could contend with the will of Beamer. There are none that can.

MISC...

GAMEDAY AMHERST-WILLIAMS
I suppose you think that was terribly clever. ESPN President, your love of the halfings' leaf has clearly slowed your mind.

HEISMAN BALLOTING
It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing. Such a little thing.

STEVE SPURRIER
I'm an old ball coach. I know I don't look it, but I'm beginning to feel it in my heart. I feel... thin. Sort of stretched, like... butter scraped over too much bread. I need a holiday. A very long holiday. And I don't expect I shall return. In fact I mean not to.

RON ZOOK
LINEMAN: The Buckeyes are strong, my lord. Their roots go deep.
ZOOK: [coldly] Rip them all down.

What is this new devilry? A Balzook. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you Buckeyes. Run!

CHRIS TURNER
I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye.

ERIN ANDREWS
PAT WHITE: They say that a great sorceress lives on this sideline. An Elf witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell... and are never seen again. Well, here's one Mountaineer she won't ensnare so easily. I have the eyes of a hawk and the ears of a fox.
ERIN ANDREWS: [appearing suddenly, extremely smug] The dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark. [Startled, White fumbles again.]

COACH CALLAHAN
GANZ: Before you came along, we Cornhuskers were very well thought of.
CALLAHAN: Indeed?
GANZ: Never had the score run up on us or had any unexpected losses.
CALLAHAN: If you're referring to the incident with the Jayhawk, I was barely involved. All I did was give their offense a little nudge out of the door.
GANZ: Whatever you did, you've been officially labeled a disturber of the peace.

ANDRE WOODSON
Here's a pretty thing: Woodson. As light as a feather, and as hard as dragon-scales.

LOU HOLTZ
STUART SCOTT: Do you remember when we first met?
LOU HOLTZ: I thought I had wandered into a dream.
SCOTT: Long years have passed. You did not have the cares you carry now. Do you remember what I told you?
HOLTZ: You said you'd bind yourself to me, forsaking the immortal life of your people.
SCOTT: And to that I hold. I would rather share one lifetime with you than face all the SportsCenters of this world alone.
[hands him his horn-rimmed spectacles]
SCOTT: I choose a mortal life.
HOLTZ: You cannot give me this.
SCOTT: It is mine to give to whom I will. Like my heart.

AUBURN
BRANDON COX: Let them come. There is one Tiger yet in Athens who still draws breath!

MARYLAND
My dear Testudo. Terrapins really are amazing creatures. You can learn all there is to know about their offense in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you.

DEFENDER: (Screaming, pointing at Matt Ryan) You cannot pass! I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Charm City. The dark fire will not avail you, Flame of Boston! Go back to the shadow. You! Shall not! Pass!

BOSTON COLLEGE
The Terps have taken midfield and the red zone. We have stacked the line but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes, drums... drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow lurks in the dark. We cannot get out... they are coming.

ALABAMA
JOHN PARKER WILSON: (Immediately before throwing pick-6) If anyone was to ask for my opinion, which I note they're not, I'd say we were taking the long way around.

WISCONSIN
Hunt them down. Do not stop until they are found. You do not know pain, you do not know fear. You will taste wolf-flesh.

CLEMSON
LINDA BOWDEN: Why do you fear the past? You are Bobby's heir, not Bobby himself. You are not bound to his fate.
TOMMY BOWDEN: (Looking at the looming ACC championship game with trepidation)The same blood flows in my veins. The same weakness.
LINDA: Your time will come. You will face the same evil, and you will defeat it.
TOMMY: My father is a noble man, but his rule is failing, and our people lose faith. He looks to me to make things right and I would do it. I would see the glory of the ACC restored. Have you ever seen it, honey? The Championship trophy, glimmering like a spike of pearl and silver, its banners caught high in the morning breeze. Have you ever been called home by the clear ringing of silver trumpets through the PA system?

GEORGIA
Richt has returned. His Orcs have multiplied. His fortress between the hedges is rebuilt in the land of Mordor.

Richt needs only a Tennessee loss to cover all the lands with a second darkness. He is seeking it, seeking it, all his thought is bent on it. Frodo, he must never find it. I cannot tell you how happy it makes me that Georgia can be No. 10 in the country, win out, and still be shut out of the SEC title game and a BCS bowl, all because of the whompstomping that they took at Neyland. I will be dead before I see the Sugar Bowl in the hands of a Bulldog! Never trust a Bulldog! HA-ha!

MICHIGAN
Wisconsin... You fear to go into that hovel. The Badgers delved too greedily and too deep. You know what they awoke in the darkness of Camp Randall Stadium... shadow and an effective passing game.

ARKANSAS
MCFADDEN: Are we gonna lose?
DICK: No.
MCFADDEN: [quietly] I think we are.
DICK: (impatiently) Shh. Houston's thinkin'. [slight pause]
MCFADDEN: Casey?
DICK: (hissing) What?
MCFADDEN: I'm hungry.

Soon, Master Razorback, you will enjoy the fabled hospitality of the Tigers. Roaring fires, malt beer, red meat off the bone, dessicated dwarf corpses everywhere..

TEXAS
The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the quarterback is true. Texas' win tonight and a little luck might be enough to get them a BCS at-large bid. Who knew?

FLORIDA
Concealed within his fortress, the lord of Gainesville sees all. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth, and flesh. You know of what I speak; a great Eye, lidless, wreathed in flame, with a circus freak of a quarterback and a barely competent defense.

What do they eat when they can't get Gamecock? (Heh.)

MISSISSIPPI STATE
CROOM: Do you know how our program first came into being? You were elves once, taken by the dark powers, tortured and mutilated. A ruined and terrible form of life. Now... perfected. My fighting Bulldog-Hai. Whom do you serve?
ANTHONY JOHNSON: [growling, drooling] SYLVESTER.

USC
They gave Cal the chance of aiding their Rose Bowl campaign willingly, but the Bears have elected the way of pain.

CAL
JOHN DAVID BOOTY: I do not know what strength is in my throwing arm, but I swear to you I will not let the West Coast fall, nor our people fail.
NATE LONGSHORE: [smiling weakly, growing cold] Our people...our people.
BOOTY: Be at peace, Son of Berkeley.

COLORADO:
[A mournful dirge echoes across the plain]
JOAN: A lament for Ralphie...
HOLLY: What do they say about him?
JOAN: I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.

SOUTH CAROLINA
This is no home game. It's a tomb.

TENNESSEE
One does not simply walk into Neyland. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep, and the Great Pumpkin is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust, the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do win there. It is folly. Erik has gotten so good! Well, of course he has, he's an Ainge, not some blockheaded Clausen from California.

JOHN CHAVIS: They are one; the win and the Dark Lord McFadden. Berry, he must never find it.
ERIC BERRY: All right. We'll put him away. We'll keep him covered. No one knows our defense is good now, do they?
[Chavis doesn't answer]
ERIC BERRY: DO they, Chavis?

Let's hunt some Orc.

Laff Riot 53: To Coin The Norman Phrase

2:17:21 PM Livia: Freedom isn't free. (I'm from the U, baby!! The U!!!!"
2:17:33 PM Nastinchka: Last Orange Bowl game today!
2:18:04 PM Livia: I can promise you Shockey is there
2:18:11 PM Livia: He has probably chained hiimself to the stadium
2:19:16 PM Nastinchka: Will you stand with him?
2:19:50 PM Livia: Just telllllllllll me what we're fiiiighting for
2:20:08 PM Livia: I want Jeremy to know that it's true, that everything I do, I do it for you.
2:24:46 PM Livia: If I could choose just one person to watch Lord of the Rings for 11 hours with, it would be you. If I could choose two, it would be you and Sean. If I could choose three, it would be you, Sean, and Jeremy Shockey. I imagine him in full Rohan garb, screaming along with Theoden and re-enacting the Battle of Helm's Deep with marshmallows and gummi bears and real human blood.

1:25:26 PM Livia: Gameday is going to WILLIAMS-AMHERST?!?!?! Yeah, I understand how that's a much stronger choice than Auburn-Georgia, Spurrier-Florida, Ohio State-Illinois, USC-Cal, or even Kansas-OK State. Why not just call it a day and go to one of Corso's shuffleboard tournaments?
1:29:15 PM Livia: It's AUBURN GEORGIA. How do they not go to that?
1:29:41 PM Livia: Georgia is (overrated) at No. 10. Auburn beat Florida IN THE SWAMP.
1:30:52 PM Livia: Brandon Cox is fucking Lestat and Knowshon Moreno is sewn together from parts of Champ Bailey and one of the popes.
1:31:28 PM Livia: Also, can you remind me how the Tennessee-Georgia game turned out? Because everyone else seems to have forgotten.
1:31:39 PM Nastinchka: hissssssssss
1:32:37 PM Livia: I want to drive to Gameday this weekend with a sign that just says "Wait...where the fuck am I?"
1:33:14 PM Nastinchka: "960 Miles To Athens!"
1:33:51 PM Livia: "Misappropriation Of My Tax Dollars?
1:34:38 PM Nastinchka: "Is This a Sports Show?"
1:34:51 PM Livia: "Is This Gonna Be A Dry Party"?
1:35:17 PM Livia: "I Failed Out Of Wesleyan And All I Got Was This Sponsored Appearance By Kirk Herbstreit"
1:37:55 PM Nastinchka: "Cry, the Beloved Squib Kick."
1:39:57 PM Livia: i want to cry just thinking about this weekend.
1:42:04 PM Nastinchka: DID YOU SEE THAT ARTICLE
1:42:22 PM Nastinchka: where their AD was like, "We have an awesome fanbase; I've never seen less than 10,000 here, even in the rain!"
1:42:32 PM Nastinchka: Now, I'm not generally irritated by pluck.
1:42:33 PM Nastinchka: BUT.
1:44:01 PM Livia: Seriously.
1:45:02 PM Livia: I thought it was a joke.
1:45:16 PM Nastinchka: It does smack uncomfortably of satire.

4:11:02 PM Barstoolio: _____ HAS LEFT TO TRICK OR TREAT SOMEWHERE IN [state redacted] HE IS WEARING A MULLET I AM DYING
4:11:07 PM Barstoolio: (that is all)
4:11:33 PM Nastinchka: I KNOW!
4:11:50 PM Nastinchka: ....why did we not plan a guerilla trip to [state redacted]!
4:11:55 PM Nastinchka: To take pictures ourselves!
4:12:00 PM Nastinchka: WE KNOW WHERE HE LIVES.
4:12:06 PM Nastinchka: [crazy eyes]
4:12:11 PM Barstoolio: If I'd known he was going TODAY I would have sported his photoshopped billy ray face on my gmail.
4:12:19 PM Barstoolio: We are WORTHLESS!

5:39:35 PM Livia: Um...I understand (better than most) how fun it can be to have fun football metaphors. But when the GameDay final crew writes the following, I think that's a bit much. "The Columbus Dispatch began an eight-part series Sunday titled, "Born Too Soon," about Ohio State's BCS championship hopes. Oh, wait a minute. The series is about the struggle facing a baby born three months early. But it could have been about the Buckeyes, too. In a matter of weeks, the expectations of Ohio State fans went from zero to (No.) 1.
5:40:16 PM Livia: Because nothing is more hilarious than premature birth.
5:40:19 PM Nastinchka: Premature clown birth.

9:34:10 AM Nastinchka: Dave Rowe says that (apparently he was in bad health over the summer?) he got a ton of get well cards from SEC fans over the summer
9:34:15 AM Nastinchka: I would LOVE to read those.
9:34:42 AM Nastinchka: THen he compared McFadden to OJ Simpson. To which Dave 1 replies.."The GOOD OJ!"
9:35:02 AM Nastinchka: The broadcast has been going for 4 minutes and I'm already in tears of mirth.
9:35:41 AM Swindle: It's still jefferson pilot to me
9:35:49 AM Nastinchka: Always.

2:59:31 PM Livia: they just showed jeremy shockey standing next to a shaken-up Cowboy, then looking disappointed when he managed to get up.
2:59:47 PM Nastinchka: [swoon]
3:00:07 PM Livia: I know.
3:00:37 PM Livia: I wish he could be a Viking. It just seems like a really good fit.
3:01:39 PM Nastinchka: He could pillage me.
3:01:43 PM Nastinchka: For practice.
3:01:53 PM Nastinchka: ...or did you mean the football team?

8:43:05 PM Momma: Who's that talking?
8:43:05 PM Nastinchka: Shawne Merriman.
8:43:05 PM Momma: Mercy. That man's head is bigger than Shrek's.

5:37:07 PM Livia: Addai will pick Peyton up and run him into the end zone. It'll all work out.
5:36:54 PM Nastinchka: CHICKEN DANCE
5:36:55 PM Nastinchka: WHAT
5:36:58 PM Nastinchka: WHAT IS HAPPENING
5:37:23 PM Nastinchka: I'm sorry, but there is nothing on this earth that can prepare me emotionally for the chicken dance followed by This Is our Country
5:37:15 PM Livia: Oh, good. I was wondering whose country this was.
5:37:33 PM Nastinchka: Yes, but this begs the question: Who is this "Us"
5:37:55 PM Livia: Well, it's Mellencamp, so I'm gonna guess the Talentless White Guys?

5:30:56 PM JHC: FYI, I will alert you when Pooh has to hit. It should be an adventure.
5:31:15 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
5:31:19 PM Nastinchka: I completely forgot that
5:31:22 PM JHC: You mean
5:31:25 PM JHC: oh bother.

9:31:14 PM Nastinchka: How is Lou Holtz up this late?
9:31:28 PM Nastinchka: Do you think they keep him in a specially regulated terrarium, so he thinks it's 10 AM?

5:26:42 PM Livia: i love kirk herbstreit's somber face when he discusses todd boeckman's performance today. it's like he's telling us the president has been shot.

4:03:11 PM OPS: Do you realize that UT beat Arkansas by as much as they beat Arkansas State?

11:09:52 AM Nastinchka: I'm all suited up, but I don't want to go down to the bar, because that will mean I can't take my Peyton Manning Beanie Bear. (WHAT.)
11:10:47 AM PB: You are the editor, but that deserves to go in your Laff Riot. So others can laugh at you.
11:10:59 AM Nastinchka: I hate you.
11:11:14 AM PB: Now you're just turning me on.

7:31:01 PM Livia: OH NO
7:31:09 PM Nastinchka: what???
7:31:10 PM Livia: WHAT IF ELI AND PEYTON SWITCHED PLACES LIKE IN FREAKY FRIDAY
7:31:18 PM Nastinchka: DOn'T EVEN SUGGEST THAT
7:31:25 PM Nastinchka: For one thing, he just converted a first down.
7:32:37 PM Livia: We'll know if Peyton buys a pottery kiln and refuses to leave the "studio" in his basement, and Eli marches around angrily, rifling footballs into Tom Coughlin's face and demanding to be nurtured.

7:49:17 PM Swindle: Mike Patrick sounds bitter about Todd's ability to eat without gaining weight
7:49:36 PM Nastinchka: Todd's blush is freaking me out.
7:49:47 PM Swindle: It's gravy blooms.

8:50:45 PM JHC: I'm glad Manny can't read that.
8:51:13 PM Nastinchka: I'm really glad he's married
8:51:18 PM Nastinchka: so he has someone to take care of him.
8:51:25 PM JHC: And Papi on the road.
8:51:28 PM Nastinchka: Do you think he has an assigned buddy
8:51:35 PM Nastinchka: a Mannyminder.
8:51:38 PM JHC: Yes.
8:52:11 PM JHC: When papi has to shower and stuff he gives manny a yo-yo.

1:13:12 PM Nastinchka: And Dorell is up 10-0 on AZ State. Of course he is.
1:13:29 PM Swindle: He'll lose next week
1:13:33 PM Swindle: Or blow this lead
1:13:41 PM Swindle: Or turn into a toadstool on the sideline
1:13:57 PM Swindle: Whatever it is, you won't expect it.

7:22:04 PM Livia: HOLLY
7:22:04 PM Nastinchka: (Autoreply) coltycoltcolts
7:22:08 PM Livia: HOLLYYLLYLYHOHLAF
7:22:10 PM Nastinchka: WHAT
7:22:16 PM Livia: TEN POIIIINT FAAHHHHHHHHHHHV
7:22:21 PM Livia: SCIFI
7:22:23 PM Livia: GO
7:23:23 PM Livia: its the part where the guy is in the hole with the bomb
7:23:36 PM Nastinchka: HAAAAA
7:24:09 PM Livia: i love how he can make calls out of the mineshaft when pinned by a nuclear bomb.
7:24:23 PM Nastinchka: Works in more places.
7:24:26 PM Livia: thank goodness for his bluetooth headset.
7:24:32 PM Nastinchka: It's the network.
7:25:20 PM Livia: now there is an earthquake, yet the connection remains unimpaired
7:24:50 PM Nastinchka: (cut to that hipster glasses jumpsuit wearing tool pinned under the bomb with him, looking sheepish)
7:26:39 PM Livia: i love how they are all totally unconcerned about the damning ecological apocalypse they are causing by detonating five warheads into the water supply.
7:26:55 PM Nastinchka: Freedom isn't free.
7:27:31 PM Livia: I want a 10.5 wedding cake.
7:27:46 PM Livia: and I want Beau Bridges to pop out of it.
7:27:54 PM Nastinchka: A big hollowed out volcano cake like we used to make in science class
7:28:12 PM Nastinchka: with a marzipan warhead pinning a little bride and groom figure down in the bottom of the crater.
7:28:33 PM Livia: No, just the groom.
7:28:49 PM Nastinchka: In sickness and in sucking chest wounds
7:29:20 PM Livia: And a fondant model train.
7:29:32 PM Livia: If possible, we'll get the actual one used for filming
7:29:33 PM Nastinchka: on graham cracker tectonic plates.
7:29:42 PM Nastinchka: Which I'm pretty sure is what they used for the actual set.
7:30:18 PM Livia: Don't forget the spun sugar helicopter and exploding whiskey dam.

8:00:15 PM Nastinchka: OK, I fully support this Phenomenon show, despite its high Criss Angel content, if it involves magicians getting bitten by live snakes on TV.
8:00:30 PM Livia: Yes. Agree.
8:01:26 PM Nastinchka: in fact
8:01:33 PM Nastinchka: why don't we pitch that as a reality show
8:01:40 PM Nastinchka: Snakes And Assholes.
8:01:51 PM Livia: I LOVE IT
8:01:54 PM Nastinchka: Just putting snakes in concealed places for deserving targets. Brought to you by AllState. Are you in good hands? HISSSSSSSSSSS

red meat, raw

Today's Special; cheering interests in bold:

• Michigan @ Wisconsin
• Colorado @ Iowa State
• Arkansas @ Tennessee
• Air Force @ Notre Dame
• Auburn @ Georgia*
• Illinois @ Ohio State**
• Texas Tech @ Texas***
• Virginia @ Miami
• Florida @ South Carolina
• USC @ Cal
• Boston College @ Maryland
• Fresno State @ Hawaii

West Fuckin' Virginia 38, Loovll 31.

Pat White fumbled thrice and Brian Brohm did a yeoman's job, but there would be no Kragthorping of Morgantown. The thing about White...that 50-yard run in the 4th was both entertaining to watch and saved the game for WFV, but he has an unnerving ability to actually pick up speed as he's changing direction. See also:

We are further blessed with this only-in-2007 tidbit from the AP wire:

The win allowed West Virginia (8-1, 3-1 Big East) to remain on Connecticut's heels for a berth in the Bowl Championship Series with three games left, including a key matchup next week at Cincinnati.

see show run. run, show, run.

Another excellent strike update from Plaintive Wail today (avec pictures!). And if you didn't love Shawn Ryan before (and you by-god should), this'll do the trick.

STELLA: I think it's really big of you to not make a John Wells joke.
HOLLY: Grinding. my. teeth. But: Solidarity, right?
STELLA: You know you want to.
HOLLY: I'll save that for....seriously, god I hate him THIS MUCH STOP ENABLING ME.
STELLA: Apoplexy is so fetching on you.

gone fission

I'll be over here the rest of this week (along with Jeebsy Darling), trying mightily to emit sparkles in the shadow of Swindle. Come play.

redshirts

So you've probably (hopefully) heard about the strike already. I'm not affected at all in my current gig, but just about everyone else I know is. There's a great piece here on why this is entirely necessary, and if you're interested in following along, the WGA is doing some video blogging here.

Their first video is a primer on what the hell's happening:

And this one stars the actor-writer-producers of The Office, who walked off the show in support of the strike (HT: TSW):

Laff Riot 52: Roo The Beloved Country

10:29:12 PM Livia: i finally managed to track down my grandfather's side of the family tree
10:29:32 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
10:29:40 PM Livia: and guess what? once you get back through all the secretaries of war and virginian governors, you find jamestown, JOHN ROLFE, AND POCAHONTAS.
10:29:57 PM Nastinchka: NO
10:30:04 PM Livia: this has NEVER been mentioned in our family. either they don't know, or they have decided it's best to sweep this all under the rug.
10:30:18 PM Nastinchka: It's a Smallpox Blanket Christmas, Charlie Brown.
10:30:29 PM Livia: i am so writing a book on this
10:30:52 PM Livia: of course, my grandmother will have me assassinated before i can finish and publish it, but you will have the key to the safety deposit box, so it will all work out.
10:31:09 PM Nastinchka: [chest thump]
10:31:26 PM Livia: (powhatan style)
10:35:08 PM Livia: if you would stop being so selfish and start researching your damn family tree, we would probably find that we are both descended from anne boleyn, which would explain a lot.
10:35:26 PM Nastinchka: I'm only back as far as 1460something, and I'm still in County Antrim.
10:36:01 PM Livia: it's only a matter of time before we discover a common ancestor. probably with the name borgia.
10:36:14 PM Nastinchka: Double true.
10:42:06 PM Livia: if i can find a blood link to margaret mitchell, do you think i could stop the publication of rhett butler's people?
10:42:17 PM Nastinchka: Moral imperative.

Nastinchka: I'm pretty drunk.
Jeebsy: I've been drinking for twelve hours.
Nastinchka: You started drinking at SEVEN IN THE MORNING?
Jeebsy: Baby, I'm real good at poker.

Best and brightest.
9:46:11 PM Nastinchka: What time is it there? 6?
9:46:15 PM Nastinchka: no.
9:46:17 PM Nastinchka: 12?
9:46:23 PM 'Bus: 12:24
9:46:25 PM 'Bus: 45
9:46:27 PM 'Bus: FUCK
9:46:32 PM Nastinchka: [pet]
9:48:01 PM 'Bus: Hm.
9:48:09 PM 'Bus: So you guys change the clock next week?
9:48:15 PM Nastinchka: I....have no idea.
9:48:23 PM 'Bus: Ok, but it hasn't happened yet, yes?
9:48:27 PM Nastinchka: nope
9:48:28 PM 'Bus: And you fall back.
9:48:30 PM Nastinchka: They moved it
9:48:38 PM Nastinchka: and I'm damned if I can remember.
9:48:39 PM 'Bus: And now you're 12 hours behind. So you'll be 13 behind?
9:48:47 PM Nastinchka: no
9:48:48 PM Nastinchka: 11
9:48:51 PM Nastinchka: wait
9:48:53 PM Nastinchka: yes
9:48:54 PM Nastinchka: fuck.
9:49:26 PM 'Bus: And that'll be last week Thursday, 13 hours back, except when the moon occludes the International Dateline, then it's 12 hours ahead.
9:50:03 PM 'Bus: Occlude isn't the right word, either
9:50:07 PM 'Bus: I'm so fucked.
9:51:08 PM Nastinchka: I.....I need to lie down.
9:51:12 PM 'Bus: I can't even come up with the right word now. I should just fill the brochure with pretty pictures.
9:51:21 PM Nastinchka: you know my suggestion
9:51:24 PM Nastinchka: Hand turkey!
9:51:41 PM 'Bus: Here at UNIDO China, we believe in turkeys.

3:33:12 PM Livia: i guess this is a bad time to mention that M____ wants to go to a costume party dressed as Hunter S. Thompson
3:33:26 PM Livia: (but he laughed when I asked if he meant in an urn)
3:33:28 PM Nastinchka: While you will be what, a bat?
3:34:04 PM Livia: so i guess it all balances out.

8:53:59 AM Janie: So, I'm watching this thing called "The Jim Leavitt Show" (he's the coach at South Florida) and the linebackers are introducing themselves by saying their names and hometowns - so you know it's already comedy - and the last guy was clearly READING HIS OWN NAME OFF A CUE CARD.
8:54:21 AM Nastinchka: WFV's governor is introducing the teams
8:54:29 AM Nastinchka: and he looks like Richard Kind's bastard hobbit uncle.
8:54:31 AM Janie: They're like big dumb walruses.
9:02:03 AM Janie: Craig James' lil' mouth is like a coin slot. I want to feed him quarters.
9:09:52 AM Nastinchka: I have this fantasy that Calais Campbell is secretly Luther's lovechild and that's why he's back this year.
9:10:59 AM Janie: Luther and Lisa Lobo.

10:33:36 AM Nastinchka: JOEL OSTEEN HAS A NEW BOOK.
10:33:48 AM Livia: wha wha WHAT?
10:34:09 AM Nastinchka: and he clearly hasn't been reading our letters, because it's not titled "Your Best Wife Now".

6:45:43 PM Nastinchka: I watched that game on Yahoo. The video quality's pretty amazing
6:45:49 PM Nastinchka: and I got to hear the Daves!
6:45:55 PM Swindle: Dave. And Dave.
6:45:58 PM Swindle: And his friend Dave.
6:46:05 PM Swindle: Their penises? Not called Dave.
6:46:14 PM Nastinchka: I can't tell you how much I miss hearing things like, when up 35-7, "What makes the SEC great is the competition."
6:46:16 PM Swindle: Dave Archer calls his "Tamurlane"
6:46:55 PM Nastinchka: No. His is the Conqueror Worm.
6:47:27 PM Swindle: "Devil's Tower"
6:47:33 PM Swindle: Because UFOs land on it.
6:47:45 PM Swindle: Unusually Fine Objects.
6:47:52 PM Nastinchka: ba-zow
6:48:06 PM Swindle: Don't blame me. Blame Dave.
6:48:10 PM Swindle: One of 'em.

3:29:34 PM Nastinchka: so the Navy cheerleaders are doing this...thing
3:29:41 PM Nastinchka: where they sit on their partners' shouulders
3:29:44 PM Nastinchka: and...gyrate
3:29:53 PM Nastinchka: like, thrusting against the back of the boys' heads.
3:30:05 PM Nastinchka: Please make a support our troops joke. I just can't.
3:35:27 PM Livia: south bend is so about to get torpedoed.
3:35:36 PM Nastinchka: Man the
3:35:38 PM Nastinchka: I WAS SAYING THAT
3:37:12 PM Livia: if i were weis, i would put harrison smith in rightnow.
3:37:38 PM Nastinchka: If you were Weis, ND would be in the top 10 and sporting fetching sparkly helmets

1:37:01 PM Nastinchka: SOMETHING HAPPENED
1:37:06 PM Nastinchka: MY INTERNET RADIO STATION
1:37:12 PM Nastinchka: JUST SWITCHED TO THE MICHIGAN GAME
1:37:13 PM PB: ??
1:37:16 PM PB: Uh oh
1:37:28 PM Nastinchka: IT'S POSSESSED
1:37:40 PM Nastinchka: WHAT THE FUCKING FUFCK
1:37:51 PM Nastinchka: I
1:37:52 PM Nastinchka: HATE
1:37:53 PM Nastinchka: MICHIGAN
1:38:05 PM Nastinchka: Sing along if you know the words: CHARLES WOODSON IS SOMEHOW RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS

3:34:28 PM Livia: i refuse to go to the english dept's party because it means dressing up as an author
3:34:36 PM Livia: and my stephen king mask is at the drycleaners
3:34:41 PM Nastinchka: Go as Fran!
3:34:52 PM Nastinchka: pink suit, pillbox
3:35:05 PM Livia: Dear Student: You have been expelled from the graduate English program.
3:35:09 PM Livia: You know why.
3:35:11 PM Nastinchka: JENNA (she's a author now, y'all!) BUSH
3:35:17 PM Livia: DO YOU WANT ME TO GET SHOT
3:35:24 PM Nastinchka: .....
3:35:29 PM Livia: People go to this dressed as, like, NATHANIEL HAWTHORNE.
3:35:35 PM Nastinchka: hissss
3:36:00 PM Livia: A couple years ago someone went as Dr. Suess and was promptly and scathingly demeaned
3:36:03 PM Livia: and probably fired.

8:35:43 AM Janie: Someone needs to be bringing you breakfast.
8:35:53 AM Nastinchka: I agree.
8:36:06 AM Nastinchka: I managed to wiggle down to the foot of my bed so I can see the TV.
8:36:24 AM Janie: You're truly intrepid.
8:36:30 AM Nastinchka: I'm a soljah!
8:36:52 AM Janie: You are rooting for Miami today.
8:37:01 AM Janie: Soldiering is on your list of things to do!

2:06:20 PM Nastinchka: What are our announcers drinking? Tractor starter fluid? Further iterations of "Desorneaux" pronunciation before this game is over. Go.
2:06:26 PM Nastinchka: (For the record, we're up to "Dezimow".)
2:06:33 PM Nastinchka: DiGiorno
2:06:44 PM Livia: desilu
2:06:48 PM Nastinchka: des'ree
2:07:00 PM Livia: destination station
2:07:04 PM Nastinchka: decoupage
2:07:13 PM Livia: bedezzler
2:07:24 PM Nastinchka: Perrilloux
2:07:39 PM Livia: Kokomo
2:08:48 PM Nastinchka: Daylight come and me wan' go homeneaux

'Bus: Also, Addai? A monster. That guy TELEPORTED a couple of times, I know that's gotta be against some rule. "Illegal formation, number 29, offense. The player temporarily occupied a parallel universe before shifting back into play in a new location."

4:53:42 PM Nastinchka: Clooney's gonna die a great american director, not actor. write it down.
4:53:57 PM PB: Like Eastwood
4:54:05 PM Nastinchka: Only good at directing.
4:54:44 PM Nastinchka: and with fewer completely undeserved oscars.

8:48:06 PM Livia: shmuuuu
8:48:18 PM Nastinchka: I JUST TYPED THE WORD YORKSHIRE AND YOU APPEARED.
8:48:52 PM Nastinchka: If I say it three times into the bathroom mirror will you pop out?
8:49:21 PM Livia: yes, and also, bees will come out of my mouth
8:49:33 PM Nastinchka: Not seeing the problem here.

2:00:52 PM Nastinchka: Arian Foster (the guy I said was our Kyle Jackson last week) continues to baffle.
2:01:09 PM Nastinchka: He's a power back, and he's insisting on doing these stupid dance moves that are costing us yards
2:01:19 PM Nastinchka: and then proceeds to score a touchtown, effortlesly
2:01:28 PM Nastinchka: 17-0
2:01:31 PM PB: Good!
2:01:34 PM Nastinchka: It's worse! Because you don't KNOW
2:01:42 PM Nastinchka: because you get excited and then he breaks your heart
2:01:52 PM Nastinchka: and then you cuss him and he scores
all your points and you feel like an asshole
2:02:03 PM Nastinchka: it's maddening.
2:02:18 PM PB: Hey, Jamaal Charles broke 290 yards out last week after we spent five days asking if he was needing a move to WR
2:02:34 PM Nastinchka: You know what?
2:02:42 PM Nastinchka: It's like they can all hear us
2:02:49 PM PB: I know
2:03:06 PM Nastinchka: EDSBS makes fun of Brandon Cox for a month, Gators lose to Auburn
2:03:52 PM Nastinchka: (but that one was because Cox is undead, not because he reads blogs).

1:43:55 PM Livia: still need a good literary themed costume for that dept. hally party tomorrow night
1:44:07 PM Livia: and it needs to not be film-related.
1:44:23 PM Livia: also, it needs to be something that showcases my rack
1:44:56 PM Livia: and no, i will not consider going as jane austen in an empire-waist gown. that's the easy way out.
1:47:45 PM Livia: i considered wearing a slutty bee costume and carrying around a little velour bunny rabbit and going as bee-a-trix potter, but i don't want to be identified with renee zellwegger.
2:13:53 PM Nastinchka: hmmm.
2:14:36 PM Livia: it's too bad White Goodman isn't a literary character.
2:15:10 PM Nastinchka: THAT FILM IS ART.
2:15:29 PM Livia: no argument here.
2:15:26 PM Nastinchka: Dress as brer Rabbit.
2:15:32 PM Livia: NO.
2:15:37 PM Nastinchka: selfish.
2:15:48 PM Livia: oh, right. i'm the selfish one.
2:16:01 PM Nastinchka: get all dolled up french revolution steezy
2:16:05 PM Nastinchka: and go as baroness orczy
2:16:31 PM Livia: i was thinking about hiring a thirteen year old girl to hang on my arm all night and going as edgar allan poe
2:16:47 PM Livia: literary burn!!
2:18:34 PM Nastinchka: jump in the pool
2:18:37 PM Nastinchka: roll in a dust bath
2:18:52 PM Nastinchka: carry turtle.
2:18:40 PM Nastinchka: and go as steinbeck.
2:19:25 PM Livia: what if i showed up naked and reeking of bourbon, hair mussed wildly, swearing about disloyalty? i could be william faulkner!

Previously on WHY IS PAM WARD ON TELEVISION...
11:11:05 AM Nastinchka: OH MY GOD.
11:11:07 AM Nastinchka: PAM WARD.
11:11:23 AM Nastinchka: VIRGINIA TECH DID NOT STRUGGLE WITH EAST CAROLINA BECAUSE THEY WERE DEALING WITH RESIDUAL EMOTION FROM THE SHOOTINGS.
11:11:51 AM PB: Wow. Wowwowwow
11:12:09 AM Nastinchka: DID YOU KNOW THAT MARSHALL ALSO HAD A TRAGEDY?
11:12:14 AM Nastinchka: BECAUSE THEY HAD ONE
11:12:29 AM Nastinchka: LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
11:14:11 AM Nastinchka: Thank you, WFV, for scoring
11:14:16 AM Nastinchka: so Pam Ward has to talk about football.

7:00:10 PM Swindle: Great moment with Pam Ward today
7:00:28 PM Swindle: "He's out for this game due to some criminal charge trouble"
7:00:39 PM Swindle: "I'm sorry...with a hamstring."
7:00:50 PM Nastinchka: WHAT?
7:01:09 PM Swindle: It was side-splittingly good.
7:01:25 PM Swindle: "He's gone from the lineup due to some sexual assault charges"
7:01:32 PM Swindle: "I mean, a bum ankle."
7:01:40 PM Swindle: "We regret the error."
7:01:41 PM Nastinchka:

7:02:37 PM Swindle: She hits that gay HARD.
7:02:47 PM Nastinchka: At least she owns it?

8:50:51 PM Livia: um
8:50:56 PM Livia: I DONT KNOW HOW I FORGOT TO TELL YOU THIS
8:51:04 PM Livia: but you need to fly back to knoxville by 730 tomorrow night
8:51:07 PM Livia: and drive to webb
8:51:15 PM Livia: where we will be seeing 1776.
8:51:16 PM Livia: AGAIN.
8:51:24 PM Nastinchka: HE PLAAAYS THE VIIIIIOLIIIIN
8:51:32 PM Livia: SIT DOWWWWWWWWWWWWN, JOHN
8:51:42 PM Livia: and jay is REFUSING to go with me
9:12:56 PM Livia: i hate him.
9:13:02 PM Livia: actually, maybe its for the best that he can't go.
9:13:30 PM Nastinchka: He'll try to join the cast.
9:13:33 PM Nastinchka: By force.
9:13:53 PM Livia: i won't stop him.
9:14:04 PM Livia: i won't be able to, since i'll already be in the martha jefferson costume.
8:51:52 PM Livia: so now i have no recourse but to ask M____!
8:52:18 PM Livia: talk about baptism by fire
8:52:35 PM Nastinchka: I....oh, Joan
8:52:38 PM Nastinchka: Too soon
8:52:43 PM Livia: I KNOW
8:52:50 PM Livia: I KNOW.
8:52:54 PM Livia: but what else can I do!?!?
8:52:59 PM Nastinchka: Take Peck!
8:53:03 PM Livia: I can't not see 1776, and I can't go alone.
8:53:07 PM Livia: And Sean is not that stupid.
8:53:42 PM Livia: this is jay's burden, dammit, and he is shirking.
8:58:02 PM Livia: help maaaaaaaay
8:58:17 PM Nastinchka: Take a shmooling.
8:58:57 PM Livia: I have to take someone who will understand. That leaves you, Jay, and...that's it.
8:59:14 PM Livia: Well, Ana, Drew, and Geneva would understand too, but....yeah.
9:04:33 PM Livia: SOLVE MY CRISIS.
9:07:00 PM Nastinchka: [juggles]
9:07:59 PM Livia: jay is being so selfish. he tried to pull the "i'm only going if M____ goes" card. apparently he doesn't understand that if i was willing to bring M____, i wouldn't require him.
9:09:22 PM Nastinchka: I'm only going if M____ GOES?
9:09:33 PM Nastinchka: You're gonna expose him to Jay AND WEBB at once?
9:09:38 PM Nastinchka: DO YOU WANT TO DIE ALONE
9:09:41 PM Livia: NO
9:09:42 PM Livia: OF COURSE NOT
9:09:51 PM Livia: THAT WOULD BE EXTRAORDINARILY DANGEROUS
9:10:09 PM Nastinchka: ...for y ou to die alone? Sounds safest.

A Pledge Pin?!?!: NCAA Week 11

Please give a warm, inappropriately affectionate welcome back to Snarkastic Hetero Lifemate-for-Life Livia and her smash hit rankings. [Written by Joan, illustrated by Holly.]

I am proud to present the First Annual National Lampoon's Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 10 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of jokes that were funny the first time and significantly less funny the next twenty-eight times. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include Harold Ramis, Guy That Is Now On Law & Order And Looks So Old And Isn't Drinking A Fifth Of Jack Or Killing A Horse, Killed Horses, Delta Tau Chi pledge members, And Coach Niedermayer.

1. OHIO STATE
BLUTO SAYS: You wanna win? Put Boeckman on it. He's a sneaky little shit, just like Troy Smith was. At least until he sneaks into the national title game and gets his ass handed to him by an SEC team...also just like Troy Smith.

2. LSU
BLUTO SAYS: This weekend in Tuscaloosa, an "LSU Pep Rally" was held from which we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here. I support them 100%. Why? Several reasons: because we don't play LSU this (regular) season and therefore can watch them with detatched interest, because Nick Saban is a douchebag, and because FUCK ALABAMA I HATE YEEEEEEEW. Geaux Tigers.

NICK SABAN: How does it feel to be my sloppy seconds, Miles?
LES MILES: How does it feel to be an asshole, Saban?

3. OREGON
BLUTO SAYS: RAMMING SPEED!

DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE: Fuck them. Fuck their brains out. Pick apart their defense, run up the score. You know they want it.
DIXON'S GOOD CONSCIENCE: For shame! Dennis, I'm surprised at you!
DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE:Aw, don't listen to that jack-off. Look at the holes in that defense. You'll never get a better chance.
DIXON'S GOOD CONSCIENCE: If you lay one finger on that poor sweet helpless D, you'll despise yourself forever. [Dixon makes his decision] ...I'm proud of you, Lawrence.
DIXON'S EVIL CONSCIENCE: You homo.

4. OKLAHOMA
BLUTO SAYS:
SAM BRADFORD: Mine's bigger.
KIM FRANCHIONE: [looks questioningly at him]
SAM BRADFORD: My cucumber. It's bigger. I think vegetables can be very sensuous, don't you?
KIM FRANCHIONE: No, vegetables are sensual. People are sensuous.
SAM BRADFORD: Right. Sensual. That's what I meant. My name's Sam Bradford. People call me QB1.
KIM FRANCHIONE: People call me Mrs. Franchione.
SAM BRADFORD: Oh, they had a Coach Franchione at the team I played against this weekend.
KIM FRANCHIONE: How interesting. I have a husband named Coach Franchione at the team you played against this weekend. Still want to show me your cucumber?

5. WEST VIRGINIA
BLUTO SAYS: Remain calm. All is well! Your fortuitous bye allows you to prepare for the inevitable (we all hope) ass-stomping of Louisville next week.

6. MISSOURI
BLUTO SAYS: Ladies and gentlemen, I'll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our Buffalo party guests -- we did. But you can't hold a whole team responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole NCAA system? And if the whole NCAA system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of the BCS, which allows us to be here in the first place? I put it to you... isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we're not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!

7. KANSAS
BLUTO SAYS:
CHRIS FOWLER: You're gonna hump Nebraska's brains out, aren't you?
MANGINO: Fowler, I anticipate a deeply religious experience.

Confidential to Mangino: fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.

8. HAWAII
BLUTO SAYS: Hawaii doesn't deserve to be here. I'll put them on probation. But wait...they're already on probation. Well, as of this moment, they're on DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION. I am pinning all my hopes on Boise State and their married RB-cheerleader combo (I am praying they are still there; otherwise, all is lost).

9. MICHIGAN
BLUTO SAYS:
CHAD HENNE: [Giggling, pushing up sunglasses, nervously peering around at other members of Top 10] Hi!! Are you guys playing cards?

I cannot believe that after losing to Hot, Hot, Hot and getting shut out by like 190 points and going 0-2 to start the season, Michigan has clawed their way back into the Top 10. However, Virginia Tech does not convince me (and they haven't since Week 1), and Georgia sucks, so welcome back!!

10. ARIZONA STATE
BLUTO SAYS: Dad! Mom, Dad, this is Dennis Dixon. The boy who molested me last night. We have to get married.

RUDY CARPENTER: We're in trouble. I just checked with the guys at the coaching house and they said that every one of our reads of the defense were wrong.
BRENT MILLER: Every one? Those assholes must have stolen the wrong fucking playbook!

MISC...

FLORIDA
[Tebow has just rifled a pass into the end zone, and Vanderbilt's defense has abruptly dropped dead]
MEYER: Holy shit!
HARVIN: [gesturing at Tebow's arm] There were blanks in that gun!
TEBOW: I didn't even point the gun at him!
MEYER: Holy shit!
TEBOW: Maybe he had a heart attack.
MEYER: Holy shit!

GEORGIA
Mark Richt is a P-I-G Pig.

LOU HOLTZ
MARK MAY: Holtz, I am appointing you pledge representative to the College GameDay social committee.
LOU HOLTZ: Gee Mark, thanks. What do I have to do?
MARK MAY: It means you have to drive us to the Food King.

NOTRE DAME
WEIS: Now. I want you to fix our team up with a very special opponent. Now, she should be decent looking, but we're willing to trade looks for a certain kind of morally casual attitude, especially when it comes to making tackles.
AD: Oh! You mean, you want someone they can screw and regain optimism about their season!
WEIS: Well put.

NEBRASKA
Thank you, sir!! May I have another?

BOBBY BOWDEN
The time has come for someone to put his foot down. And that foot is me.

TENNESSEE
FULMER: Well, well, well. Looks like somebody forgot there's a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation!
COKER: What a tool.
FULMER: I didn't get that, son, what was that?
COKER: Uh, I said, "What a shame that a few bad apples have to spoil a good time for everyone by breaking the rules."

ALABAMA
My advice to you is to start drinking heavily.

BOSTON COLLEGE
MENACING POLLSTER: If I was in your shoes, I'd be...
MATT RYAN: Leaving! What a good idea.

You fucked up, Boston College bandwagoneers. You trusted them.

TIM TEBOW
JOINER: I think I'm in love with a retard.
TEBOW: Is he bigger than me?

WISCONSIN
BIELEMA: Don't write this down, but I find preparing for games probably as boring as you do. It's a little bit long-winded, it doesn't translate very well into our generation, and the jokes are terrible.
[The team rises to leave]
BIELEMA: (frantically) But that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility for this material. Now I'm waiting for big plays from some of you... Listen, I'm not joking. This is my job!

SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE
MIKE SLIVE: Son, what is the worst team in this conference?
COACH: Well that would be hard to say, sir. They're each outstanding in their own way.
MIKE SLIVE: Cut the horseshit, son. I've got their files right here. Who dropped a whole truckload of fizzies into the swim meet? Who delivered the medical school cadavers to the alumni dinner? Every Halloween, the trees are filled with errant passes. Every spring, the toilets explode.
COACH: You're talking about Mississippi State, sir.
MIKE SLIVE: Of course I'm talking about Mississippi State, you TWERP!

JOHN PARKER WILSON
Christ. Seven years of college down the drain. Might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.

TEXAS
JAMAAL CHARLES: War's over, man. Oklahoma State dropped the big one.
COLT MCCOY: What? Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!
JAMAAL CHARLES: Germans?
MACK BROWN: Forget it, he's rolling.
COLT MCCOY: And it ain't over now. 'Cause when the going gets tough . . . the tough get going. Who's with me? Let's Go! Come on! AAAAEEEEEGGGHHHH!! What the fuck happened to the Texas I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Colt, we might get in trouble." Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Robinson, he's a dead man! Bowman, dead! Niedermeyer...
JAMAAL CHARLES: Dead! Colt's right. Psychotic, but absolutely right. We gotta take these bastards. Now we could do it with conventional weapons. But that could take years and cost millions of lives. No, I think we have to go all out. I think that this situation absolutely requires a really futile and stupid gesture be done on somebody's part.
COLT MCCOY: LET'S DO IT!

NAVY
Toga!! Toga!! Toga!!

The world is coming to an end. Please log off.

I just want to take this moment to express my consuming dread for the Indy-New England game this afternoon. We're decimated by injuries (since when does HARRISON get hurt??), and what I'm really afraid of is everyone trying to play through them because it's the Pats, exacerbating their conditions, and having it affect the remainder of the season. If home field advantage weren't in the equation, I'd be entirely in favor of punting this game. Sorgi just got hisself a contract extension. Let's see him play for it. Sit the starters, let the banged-up guys rest, and be fit and happy (and 15-1) entering the playoffs. This doesn't seem at all unreasonable.

That said, I'm going to start working on the poll now, and it's going up soon as it's done. Kindly refrain from any NFL discussion in its thread. ("Kindly" = "I will straight murder your ass if you do not".)

[UPDATE: SEE?!?? We're down to two healthy recievers! TWO. One of them, I guarantee you've never heard of. Marlin Jackson, further injured. Bob Sanders, further injured. We played it close; nothing to be ashamed of. BUT.]

CFB 2K7: It Knows What Scares You.

It's Homecoming, and I'm far from home and chirping with sadness, and the selection of games available to me doesn't look all that interesting aside from the Saban Bowl, but the last time I almost skipped the games to go to the movies all day was Week 4, in which Louisville lost to Syracuse, Georgia Tech lost to Virginia, Florida beat Ole Miss by 6, Nebaraska was a) still ranked, and b) beat Ball State by a POINT, Michigan beat Penn State, Michigan State beat Notre Dame, our darling Terps lost to Wake by a touchdown, Georgia beat Alabama, Iowa almost beat still-ranked Wisconsin, and UCLA beat Washington, and that learned me.

Today's Special; cheering interests in bold:

Vanderbilt @ Florida
Navy @ Notre Dame
Texas @ Oklahoma State
UL-Lafayette @ Tennessee
LSU @ Alabama
Missouri @ Colorado
Arizona State @ Oregon
Oregon State @ USC
South Carolina @ Arkansas
Washington State @ Cal

Best. Tags. EVER.

Hang in there until the 3:30 mark; just trust me.

hell-FIRE.

FUCK, Lamarcus. We need you. And you need this program. You screwed us, but looks like you're screwed for good. I hope whatever you smoked was worth it.

Friday never hesitates

Today in I'm Writing Everywhere But Here:

• Eat up.
• Listen up.

Aaaaaaave Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiia

Not my favorite assembly, but original cast is original cast, so this? Should make you dance with glee.

In coincidentally related news, Jesse and I have the run of Janie's sandbox tomorrow, and the timing of our subject matter is uproarious. Do not miss it.