Snarkastic

Fuck the Year in Review: Year Seven

January

• You make them strong. We'll make them Imperial Army Strong.
• Bleeding Blue.
• Return of the King.

• And we saw the mountaintop.
• Women be shoppin'.
• This feels like it was about five years ago.
• Love comes walking in...on a tracking shot.
• Livia returns fire. I tried to match them for months on this, and just faaaaailed.
• In which our Oscar picks make Livia racist.
• Haggis, it is, how you say? On.

• LOOK AT ALL THE CUTE ANIMALS
• Let the hate flow through you.
• And speaking of hate...
• And also speaking of hate...
• ...all right, so it was just a spiteful year all 'round.
• Ballin'
• The party had to end sometime.
• This horse won't die!
• Movin' on up...five blocks out of Skid Row.

• Gone, Donnelly, gone.
• Today, we celebrate our independence day. And attract bears.
• I thought we said no fucking at book club.
• The wife is not to be trifled with.
• Putting words to the Mackey.

• The lone surviving GWtW clip.
• Giving new meaning to "fuckin' siren".

• Seersucker bitch dressin' up tryin' to be me.
• Meet Momma.
• Love forever.

• The motherfuckin' TIME!
• Maths
• Be sure your sins will find you out, DJ.
• Come with him if you want to live.
• Desolee.

• Beats and makeup sex.
• What could possibly go wrong?
• In which I get paid to make fun of Jay Mohr.
• And Michael Vick.
• Our grand experiment rears its blockbuster head.
• Mean girls.

• Don't hate the players; hate the stadium.
• In which I spent forty-five minutes converting smart quotes and still didn't catch them all.
• In which Lou Holtz does not throw himself into molten lead.
• Wedding planning made simple and felonious.
• Haaaaaaaaaaaaate.
• Seemed so harmless at the time.
• Fulmer + waistline = Ilsa Schneider. Yup.
• Smile pretty!
• ...I've made a huge mistake.
• Eleven months in LA before resorting to porn.
• If they ever did pick a name, we don't care to know.
• The next level.
• I never managed the sestina, but we got this out of it.
• Kitty!!

• Didn't we almost have it all...
• A weekend chez Swindle with the girls.
• The advent of Holtz.
• In which I proceed to get outed to my father as a degenerate sports ogler.
• I love October baseball. Thank you, JHC. Thank you, Texy. Thank you, rally sex.
• A bold new look for the Song Girls.
• Not our finest hour, but more than worth it.
• It puts the lotion on its skin, or gets bumped down to I-AA.
• Then things burned down.
• Get well soon, baby.
• Doin' niche funny, and doin' it well.

• See above.
• Do you know I've never seen the first half hour of this movie?
• Hollywood's a union town.
• Magnum opus, part the first
• Magnum opus, part the second
• I could eat it right off his face. Almost.
• Magnum opus, part the third.

• In which I am called a racist for suggesting Mario Manningham has shapely legs.
• Serenity, now.
• Don't you want me, baby?
• Owie.
• Better believe I'm back.
• I'm an ARTIST, man.

Yes, there's another one.

For fuck's sake, it's just Shreveport.

38-35. Now, that's just mean-spirited.

Dear Yahoo(!) Sports,

Setting a 50-touchdown record that surpasses a 49-touchdown record in no way necessitates use of the verb "shatter". You are part of the problem.

Sincerely,
Reason

Things I read on the bathroom floor this weekend.

• Voice-activated blender
• Coach O had better find his ass a job. His demise at Ole Miss cannot, must not mean the end of the greatest blog of all time.
• Buy me this.
• How have we never pulled this off at Castle Greyskull.
• Do not skip; is funny.
• "Australia, Antarctica and New Guinea will be joined too; if present species persist and the resulting mountain range doesn?t prove impassable, Australia might be overrun by penguins or Antarctica by kangaroos. Or Austro-Antarctic Guinea might be ruled by a new species that?s a hybrid of both, a tuxedo-clad marsupial, hopping across the icy wastes."
• Related news
• Lovemaduckies
• BACON COOKIES (via SA)
• If you skipped the rest of these, do not miss Swindle calling down the thunder of....Shreveport, Louisiana. The FanHousiest comment thread outside of...FanHouse.

"If I could move without throwing up, I'd be dancing."

This trip is going waaaayy too fast. Time, of course, flies when you're curled up in a ball on the bathroom floor praying for the sweet release of death.

Things I've been writing from the fetal position:

• Poinsettia Bowl Recap
• Las Vegas Bowl Preview
• Texas Bowl Preview
• Year-end tuneage (ongoing; check back for daily updates)

I can't go home without spending at least one day in bed keening like a wounded animal.

I'm laid up with stomach flu (beats pneumonia!) waiting for the Holiday Bowl. Please enjoy this marzipan map of Europe, via Strange Maps.

holly days! (awwww.)

Back and loving it, but my life is not my own until about the 26th. There's bowl coverage here and year-end music goodness here in the coming week if y'all get peckish.

Laff Riot 56: The Stephen Baldwin Experince (not a ride)

City, venue, and identities redacted. Well, not Baldwin's.

Bella: So, I had to work at the theatre tonight. I never look at the schedule beyond when I'm supposed to show up. I got there, and there was this giant crowd - turns out fucking STEVEN (or is it a PH?) BALDWIN is in the house
Sheriff: (ph)
Bella: introducing some feel-good lifetime-type film
Sheriff: [perks up]
Bella: Oh, man, it was hilarious. (The scene. I didn't see the film.)
Sheriff: It sounds amazing.
Bella: So he spoke for a loooong time and then during the film he came and hung out in the lobby.
Sheriff: So you got to talk to him?
Bella: I was dying. Because...it's Stephen Baldwin. Like, the worst celebrity ever.
Sheriff: Tied with Corbin Bernsen.
Bella: I don't know. I didn't go in there and listen. I don't really get celebrity-gaga, and I don't really wanna hear any Baldwin talk about anything, you know?
Bella: But I'm sure he did. Whatever. People paid to hear him, so it was probably people who wanted to hear him talk about God.
Bella: Anyway, the film started late because he went on so long
Sheriff: Last time I saw him was when he was on celebrity bull riding and fell off and broke his shoulder.
Bella: It's way better than having Clooney in the house
Sheriff: No! Wait!!! I have seen him since. I picked up my movies last week and one of them I'd never even heard of.
Sheriff: I put it in and it was a scifi channel film
Bella: oh dear
Sheriff: he played a nuclear physicist
Bella: !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sheriff: and he created a weather machine that controlled storms
Sheriff: but it backfired
Bella: Of course.
Sheriff: and the storms got into his body
Bella: oh, gosh. stop.
Sheriff: I... didtn't actually watch it
Sheriff: but I did go through it at 8X speed
Sheriff: and it was just amazing.
Bella: So SB is hanging in the lobby, because even he doesn't want to watch his own films.
Bella: I'm going about my business, because like I care about Stephen Baldwin, except as comedy source.
Bella: I'm hanging with the cop talking about tasers and recommending various cookie types to SB's bodyguard (totally unnecessary) and occassionally sparing a thought to how Chyna Phillips actually sees him naked on purpose
Bella: and the kids and I realize that we're all going to be there waaaaay later than anticipated
Bella: so we order a pizza and I send someone to go pick it up.
Sheriff: Hang on, honey. Are you talking about Stephen or Billy Baldwin?
Bella: It gets there, and the minute it hits the lobby, Stephen Baldwin follows its scent over to the bar
Bella: WAIT
Bella: It's BILLY who's married to Chyna?
Sheriff: ... yeah
Bella: This RUINS EVERYTHING
Bella: (in my mind)
Sheriff: So it was Stephen?
Bella: Shit. I really should've hit on him.
Sheriff: ewewewewewewew
Bella: It was totally Stephen.
Sheriff: not on the night ______ had a date. Just... no.
Sheriff: go head
Bella: Stephen Baldwin comes over from the corner where he was conducting very important Hollywood business (ahahahahh) on his cell phone and sticks his face in our pizza
Bella: all "mmmmmm oooooo that looks good (it didn't) where did you get that? (domino's) mmmmmm"
Bella: And instinct kicked in (I'm a Big Girl, and I like my dinner) and I grab our pizza and pull it away from him and put it on a stool behind the corner, all "get yr own!"
Bella: So I tell him we got it around the corner.
Bella: And he FLIPS
Bella: (I'm told he's on his second cappuccino - which reminds me, when one of the kids took his coffee to him, his bodyguard intercepted her and said, "Thanks. I'm sure he'd like to give you something for that." And instead of a tip he handed her an autographed picture of Stephen Baldwin.)
Bella: and he's all "Where is it? How late are they open? What's the number? I need pizza!"
Sheriff: this is the greatest story I've ever heard
Bella: I know.
Bella: So, you know, [venue redacted] is celeb-friendly (I once had to crouch at the bottom of the stage to catch Carol Channing because she was so old and blind she was teetering on the edge)
Sheriff: ...
Bella: so I tell him to hang on and I'll find out.
Bella: (They hadn't printed their number on the box)
Bella: So I call information and I'm transfered to Domino's, who automatically have me on hold.
Bella: Meanwhile, Stephen Baldwin is going mad.
Bella: He's chattering away like mad, all hopped up on espresso, and I can't hear.
Bella: "Ask how late they're open! Where is it again? Is it near my hotel? Where's my hotel?"
Sheriff: "Gimme some pie! was in The Usual Suspects!!!"
Bella: So I turn slightly, to face him, I reach out and put my hand in his face,
Bella: palm out
Bella: and I look him in the face, slightly annoyed,
Bella: and I say, "HOLD PLEASE."
Bella: I then give a slight eye roll (It was uncontrollable) and turn back slightly away.
Bella: I PUT MY HAND IN STEPHEN BALDWIN'S FACE.
Bella: WORSHIP ME.
Sheriff: i just
Sheriff: that was already the best story ever
Sheriff: and then you told me that you gave him the heisman
Bella: So I'm on hold for fucking ever, but he's behaving himself, and just as I'm getting the info to give to him (I even offered to place his order!) the film ends and he runs off to thank everyone or whatever and so later
Bella: I slipped him the info written on a napkin while he was surrounded by people.
Bella: It looked like I was giving STEPHEN BALDWIN my digits!!!
Bella: THE SHAME!!!!!!
Sheriff: omg
Bella: So I said, loudly, "Here's the information YOU WANTED."
Sheriff: you did give him the heisman
Bella: All in a day's work, all in a day's work.
Sheriff: I am unable to speak.
Bella: He looks exactly like Stephen Baldwin in person. The only thing I regret is not getting a picture of the body guard, who looked like a squatter, even more Long Island-y Baldwin wearing a Night at the Roxbury suit.
Sheriff: Just meeting him (I really typed meat) was enough.
Sheriff: Interacting was more.
Sheriff: Shushing him was too much for me.
Sheriff: I think I blew a fuse.
Bella: Oh, yeah. And after I gave him the pizza details on a napkin, he called out after me, "Thank you sooooo much!" I just kept walking and didn't even turn around but simply held up my left arm in a thumbs-up.
Sheriff: what was the name of his movie?
Sheriff: Please tell me it was Sky Kids.
Bella: Ummm. I think like Midnight Clear or something? I glanced at the poster and it had the words "heartwarming" and "starring Stephen Baldwin" and I read no further.
Sheriff: ...that's like 2 years old.
Bella: Really?
Sheriff: Yeah, I just checked IMDb and it says 2006.
Bella: God, so it was STALE Stephen Baldwin. Even better.
Sheriff: I am so jealous.
Bella: Oh. Yeah.
Sheriff: I am filled with jealousy.
Bella: You really should be.
Sheriff: Not even that it could have been me there.
Sheriff: actually want to be you.
Sheriff: I want to be a woman.
Sheriff: for the first time.
Sheriff: And not for sex.
Bella: It was pretty fucking awesome. The best is that I wasn't even thinking "Should I put a hand in Stephen Baldwin's face?" I just did it.
Sheriff: But to take pizza away from Stephen Baldwin.
Bella: So, how was your night?
Sheriff: pffffffft
Sheriff: who cares???
Bella: I lived a full day today. I also stole a bottle of Piper out of the basement as payment for having to ask Stephen Baldwin which hotel he was staying in.

I love my job.

A blue furry Charles Dickens that hangs out with a rat?

Alive and busting my ass to finish work in time to fly home Friday. More from the motherland.

Football, we need to talk.

OK, this? UNacceptable. There is ONE late CBS game in the whole goddamn country, IT'S BEING PLAYED IN OAKLAND...and I have to watch the fucking Pats, because the FOX alternative is GREEN BAY-STL ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? I'm already doing a slow freakout burn because my two QBs and two WRs in my most important league are playing in BLIZZARDS and I only have a forty-point lead and I REFUSE TO LOSE TO JOAN'S SIXTEEN YEAR OLD BROTHER (who has Peyton at Oakland and Brees at Arizona) FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW AFTER LEADING BY A HUNDRED POINTS FOR THE FIRST THREE MONTHS I DO NOT NEED THIS TODAY, TIMEWARNER, I REALLY DO NOT.

[deep, calming breaths....thoughts of Tuesday...they finally took the series to its logical conclusion and named the squads the Jets and the Sharks, and this will heal all wounds. Unless I lose to Peck, again.]

[UPDATE:] You know what I REALLY didn't need today? Rodriguez to Michigan. Aside from sending The Orgeron to WFV, and really, I don't see that as a good fit, there's no way this can end well. He's done wonders in Morgantown; the Mountaineers are now a national power, and the only way this could have been more displeasing is if Cutcliffe had gone to Ann Arbor. Dammit, dammit, dammit.

['nother UPDATE:] And now Jeremy Shockey has a broken leg. Anything else?

Hit & Run

This is the license plate of a silver Hyundai that left the scene of an accident this afternoon on west Colorado Boulevard in Pasadena.

That's California 5DRK831. I know this because I was in the car when he hit it. I'm fine, if sore. Thanks a lot, 60something Caucasian asshole. I was just trying to buy a Christmas tree.

Go on, now.

• If Bill Martin was an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines and dick.
• Cindy Lou Who grew up nice.

Laff Riot 55: She Gods of Snark Reef

8:48:16 PM Livia: so a commercial for something called "top this party" just came on
8:48:37 PM Livia: i am positive our hallowedding will top them all.
8:48:58 PM Nastinchka: duh
8:49:51 PM Livia: have i told you my new idea? for count chocula and frankenberry to valet park everyones cars?
8:49:59 PM Nastinchka: NO
8:50:02 PM Nastinchka: But I'm on board.
8:50:08 PM Nastinchka: Surprise!
8:50:36 PM Livia: shocker.
8:57:14 PM Livia: do you think someone sells those costumes, or will we have to get dewayne to add them to the list of things to make?
8:57:31 PM Nastinchka: They'll look better tailored
8:57:45 PM Livia: I mean, my reception dresses alone already have seven pages of sketches
8:57:50 PM Livia: I don't want him to be overworked.
8:57:57 PM Nastinchka: Sweeetie.
8:58:00 PM Nastinchka: He worked for DOLLY.
8:58:03 PM Nastinchka: And Lucci.
8:58:07 PM Nastinchka: His whole life has been building to this.
8:58:22 PM Livia: Are you saying that you think Lucci and Dolly combined could somehow be more demanding than me?
8:58:29 PM Nastinchka: Wouldn't dare.
8:58:45 PM Livia: Don't make me put you in a ruffled bodice.
8:58:56 PM Nastinchka: YOU wouldn't dare.
9:00:06 PM Livia: i am having two dresses made for the wedding party; a pretty one for y'all to wear if you do as i say, and one with a ruffled bodice and flouncing if you just can't learn the playbook.
9:00:33 PM Nastinchka: You're a tyrant.
9:00:39 PM Nastinchka: And I love you.
9:01:51 PM Livia: Brands belong on cattle, and on my bridesmaids.

1:40:40 PM Momma: so, my favorite thing about watching the game is
1:41:15 PM Momma: when that little scoreboard thingy makes that blip/suck sound when it pops out of the CBS icon
1:41:38 PM Momma: but I AM watching the game
1:41:43 PM Momma: aren't you proud?
1:41:49 PM Nastinchka: who's my big girl?
1:41:57 PM Momma: me, cause I'm home by myself
1:42:02 PM Momma: and STILL watching the game

9:16:09 PM Nastinchka: Favre got hurt?
9:16:31 PM JHC: I think it's the ulnar nerve. I'd be surprised if he's back.
9:16:45 PM Nastinchka: That's....kinda sad, actually.
9:17:15 PM JHC: Least he's going out on his feet, in a game he singlehandedly lost for his team, as he'd want to do.
9:17:39 PM JHC: he would have wanted it this way.

5:50:26 PM Livia: Tonight, the part of Peyton Manning will be played by Eli Manning. We regret any inconvenience.
6:12:26 PM Nastinchka: oh god
6:12:34 PM Nastinchka: Eli Manning is doing a watch commercial
6:12:45 PM Nastinchka: Those are about...I can't even make a precision joke

8:10:52 PM Momma: YWD has toddled off to bed
8:11:04 PM Momma: I'm turning off the tree lights and following
8:11:12 PM Nastinchka: wanna treepicture
8:11:19 PM Momma: got the kitchen tree half decorated
8:11:25 PM Nastinchka: ....ktichen tree?
8:11:25 PM Momma: okay, pic tomorrow
8:11:33 PM Momma: on top of the bar
8:11:37 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
8:11:44 PM Nastinchka: So how many trees are we up to?
8:12:11 PM Momma: well, you know how I've ALWAYS wanted a white feather tree??
8:12:24 PM Nastinchka: oh, no.

9:35:50 PM Nastinchka: God I hate GChat
9:35:51 PM Nastinchka: they MOVE
9:35:56 PM Nastinchka: I don't like it when they MOVE
9:36:27 PM JHC: I... think they're handsome.
9:36:35 PM JHC: Block headed and happy.
9:36:43 PM Nastinchka: Wait, you see actual emoticons?
9:36:48 PM Nastinchka: I just see the same moving smileys
9:37:24 PM JHC: The wink, and smile, and wiggle their eyebrows.
9:37:35 PM Nastinchka: EYEBROWS DO NOT WANT
9:37:45 PM JHC: They're cute!
9:38:12 PM JHC: Not like Magnum. Give em a break, they don't have ears.

9:54:40 PM Livia: also, DON'T YOU LOSE ON ME NOW, HAWAII. go undefeated and make the bcs explode. WIN, DAMN YOU.
9:55:54 PM Nastinchka: I'm gonna bed.
9:56:10 PM Livia: i am exhausted, but unable to sleep.
9:56:27 PM Nastinchka: just fold your wings around you, hang upside down, and plot revenge.
9:56:30 PM Nastinchka: gnight!
9:56:45 PM Livia: Done.

3:30:53 PM PB: Go Berry!
3:31:08 PM Nastinchka: BABYBERRY
3:31:22 PM PB: So so good
3:31:36 PM Nastinchka: my mother just called him "cheeky"
3:32:30 PM PB: oh my
3:32:59 PM Nastinchka: She has this impression that it was mildly ill-mannered of him to take the other team's ball.
3:33:28 PM PB: impolite, these players
3:33:38 PM Nastinchka: but only mildly
3:33:42 PM Nastinchka: him being on our team and all
3:33:47 PM PB: of course

10:19:14 PM Barstoolio: How are things?
10:19:27 PM Nastinchka: Meh. You?
10:19:46 PM Barstoolio: Just had a fun night out, but with all married people. Can't win 'em all.
10:19:54 PM Nastinchka: Can't win all the married people?
10:20:21 PM Barstoolio: Yes. I'm not good at guessing weight.
10:20:21 PM Nastinchka: (this makes them sound like stuffed animals at the fair. I approve.)

7:42:04 PM Livia: Um...guess who Jay ran into at Lust, Caution
7:42:38 PM Livia: (which he referred to as Boredom, Yield)

3:31:35 PM Momma: Your Daddy says you're 10 seconds behind us
3:31:41 PM Momma: how that matters I don't know
3:32:00 PM Nastinchka: Because he called me and said TOUCHDOWN WOOOO and I hadn't seen it yet!
3:41:13 PM Momma: have you seen the touchdown yet?
3:41:18 PM Nastinchka: MOTHER.

8:23:27 PM Livia: So the LOTR polls will take us through the end of regular season
8:23:38 PM Livia: But I'll need a very special theme for post-bowl season predictions.
8:23:51 PM Nastinchka: LOVE ACTUALLY
8:23:58 PM Livia: NO
8:24:08 PM Livia: FIRTH EMERGENCY CHRISTMAS ROMANCE MECHANISM MUST NOT BE ACTIVATED
8:24:37 PM Livia: I looked at HP, but so much of the stuff is repetitive
8:24:38 PM Nastinchka: Hedwig the Christmas Transition Cotton Bowl, presented by Autozone!
8:24:52 PM Nastinchka: ET?
8:25:03 PM Nastinchka: Matt Ryan: IT WAS NOTHING LIKE THAT PENIS BREATH
8:25:13 PM Livia: I ACTUALLY THOUGHT OF USING THAT EXACT QUOTE
8:25:15 PM Livia: ONLY FOR OHIO STATE.

5:55:58 PM PB: This ref is so psycho
5:56:14 PM Nastinchka: He has Stage 1 Reche Caldwell Eye Syndrome.
5:56:20 PM PB: LOL
5:56:27 PM Nastinchka: What? it's serious!

9:10:56 PM Livia: OH
9:11:01 PM Livia: _____ LIKES FOOTBALL NOW
9:11:07 PM Livia: HE THINKS HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT IT
9:11:08 PM Livia: AND GET THIS
9:11:26 PM Nastinchka: OH
9:11:27 PM Nastinchka: OH
9:11:27 PM Livia: HE'S AN ALABAMA FAN. BECAUSE HE LIKES JOHN PARKER WILSON.
9:11:31 PM Livia: I AM GONNA SNAP HIS NECK.
9:11:35 PM Nastinchka: WHAT.
9:11:37 PM Livia: LIKE
9:11:37 PM Livia: A
9:11:39 PM Livia: TWIG
9:12:19 PM Livia: He tried to pull the "but we'll miss the LSU-Bama game!" shit on me, and i read him the riot act.
9:12:37 PM Nastinchka: HE LIKES ALABAMA BECAUSE IT'S FULL OF PLANTATIONS
9:12:48 PM Livia: HE LIKES TO SAY JOHN PARKER WILSON'S NAME
9:12:54 PM Livia: IN AN ELLEN OHARA ACCENT

4:16:52 PM PB: I am a disgusting human being.
4:17:02 PM Nastinchka: You ate the third sandwich, didn't you?
4:17:17 PM PB: +2 bags of chips and a large cherry coke. Good God
4:17:37 PM Nastinchka: As a girl who feels the suffocating need to run an extra three miles after eating even one of those things, I hate you.
4:17:42 PM Nastinchka: As your buddy, I'm in awe.
4:17:54 PM Nastinchka: And as a human being, I wonder if maybe you have a tapeworm.

3:21:23 PM Nastinchka: HE MADE A CAT NOISE.
3:25:51 PM Livia: Unacceptable.
3:26:11 PM Livia: How did he even make that noise though all the stuck-on bits of corn dog in his teeth?
3:31:12 PM Nastinchka: I CAN"T BELIEVE IT HE'S TRYING TO CALL ME.
3:31:15 PM Nastinchka: GNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
3:31:41 PM Livia: Just answer and tell him you're on the other line with Bo Pellini, interviewing for an assistantship
3:31:44 PM Nastinchka: CALLING AGAIN.
3:31:51 PM Nastinchka: CALLING AGAIN
3:32:15 PM Nastinchka: I bet it's to leave a voicemail, but HE CAN GO TO HELL AND DIE.
3:32:21 PM Livia: Answer your phone by saying "Ryan Perriloux's future" and then break a chicken bone into the receiver and make the Mario dying noise.

10:47:30 AM Nastinchka: BROCK BERLIN, NFL STARTER!!!111
10:47:35 AM Nastinchka: ARE YOU READY??
10:47:39 AM Nastinchka: YOU ARE NOT READY.
10:47:58 AM Nastinchka: And, really, how can any of us be ready
10:49:07 AM Barstoolio: I ... I have nothing. I've been trying to process this since earlier in the week, and...it's like I woke up in a strange, bizarro opposite-day universe
10:49:19 AM Barstoolio: Most not ready of all?
10:49:23 AM Barstoolio: Brock Berlin.
10:51:24 AM Nastinchka: [plays Danger Zone]

8:43:04 PM Livia: I miss making the polls
8:43:11 PM Nastinchka: me too.
8:43:27 PM Nastinchka: masterfully done, all of them.
8:43:57 PM Livia: Self-congratulation smells like peppermint
8:43:59 PM Livia: I miss you
8:44:04 PM Nastinchka: [nose pet]
8:44:08 PM Livia: also HOW COULD I FORGET IT WAS ORANGE ROUGHY
8:44:15 PM Nastinchka: orange roughy repays
8:44:22 PM Nastinchka: I remembered because I wrote it down.
8:44:29 PM Livia: i can still smell it in some of my clothes
8:45:26 PM Nastinchka: we must have smelled like it for days.
8:45:41 PM Livia: it explains a lot
8:47:08 PM Livia: like how no one will ever love us
8:47:22 PM Nastinchka: speak for....myself.
8:47:24 PM Nastinchka: [sob]
8:47:55 PM Livia: Don't worry, I'm sure Peter will love the parts of you he stabs off your lifeless corpse in a Rose Bowl bathroom
8:48:26 PM Nastinchka: Let's ask.
8:48:44 PM Livia: Why spoil your New Year's surprise?
8:53:48 PM Livia: It's all fun and games until the LA SVU calls me on New Year's Day
8:54:03 PM Nastinchka: Awwww, I'm a SPECIAL victim.
8:54:06 PM Nastinchka: Momma will be so proud.
8:54:07 PM Livia: Of course, I'll be in New Orleans and screaming unintelligbly into my phone about oysters and beignets, so it will all work out.
8:54:16 PM Nastinchka: cheers!

10:17:02 AM Momma: get ALL better, I'm off to unwrap 3 inches of bubble wrap from EACH breakable ornament
10:17:08 AM Momma: and they are LEGION

9:00:28 PM Livia: I feel so bad for Darren Mc.
9:00:42 PM Livia: You could tell Houston Nutt wanted to break Tebow's neck.
9:00:44 PM Nastinchka: hissssssss
9:00:54 PM Livia: Seriously, he didn't even clap.
9:01:07 PM Nastinchka: GOOD.
9:01:14 PM Livia: I KNOW.
9:01:54 PM Livia: I wish, instead of bringing his mom, Tebow had brought Tony Joiner. That would have been an awkward moment for Chris Fowler.
9:02:06 PM Nastinchka: Heisman love songs! Go!
9:02:19 PM Livia: Strike the Pose (Of Love)
9:02:34 PM Nastinchka: I May Be Bronzed, But I'm Not Your Trophy (It's On The Shelf, You Concussed Asshole)
9:02:53 PM Livia: Let's Break Tradition (And Sodomy Laws)
9:03:22 PM Nastinchka: I Stole You A Centerpiece (Like You Stole My Heart)
9:03:53 PM Livia: Here's what I imagine: Joiner dressed in a flowy nightgown, staring at Tebow's oil painting, and running through the halls of a gothic mansion while Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me Now" plays in the background.
9:04:27 PM Nastinchka: Although there's no way Tebow rides a motorcycle (DO NOT ASK ME WHY I KNOW THE PLOT OF THAT VIDEO). He's a Vespa man.
9:04:46 PM Livia: Whatevs, like I don't have the entire video memorized
9:04:59 PM Livia: The way the picture frames contain moving film clips
9:05:16 PM Nastinchka: like a fucking Sharper Image infomercial.
9:06:00 PM Livia: And the Ann Taylor nightgown
9:06:10 PM Nastinchka: Ann Taylor Loft. Please.
9:06:12 PM Livia: AND THE FULL LENGTH MIRROR
9:06:18 PM Livia: WHERE THE LOVER APPEARS NEXT TO HER
9:06:22 PM Nastinchka: oh, god.
9:06:34 PM Nastinchka: it's.....it's alll...well, you know.
9:06:42 PM Livia: i dont know how you would do this, but i demand to see a full-length video of this featuring joiner and tebow.
9:06:59 PM Nastinchka: Done and done.
9:07:17 PM Livia: Tony, when you hold me like this, and when you kiss me like that...it was lost long ago, but it's all comin' back to me....nooooooooooow ('s all comin back to me no-o-o-ow)
9:07:39 PM Nastinchka: Tim and Tony: The Colour of my Lurve.
9:09:35 PM Livia: I haven't watched since Peyton was robbed. But then I realized--I watched that year, and then we won the national championship the year after. So I did my part tonight and will accept nothing less than a national title in thirteen months.
9:09:48 PM Nastinchka: Duly noted.
[six minutes pass]
9:15:17 PM Nastinchka: ugh, now I have the damn song in my head.
9:15:21 PM Livia: Now I can't get that song out of my head.
9:15:23 PM Nastinchka: slkjrehgk;alejhfgkl;adhjslkfadjfk
9:15:25 PM Livia: AAAAH
9:15:25 PM Livia: STOP IT
9:15:29 PM Nastinchka: WHAT THE HELL
9:15:48 PM Livia: BABY, BABY, BAAAA--A-A-A-A-BBY
9:24:40 PM Livia: I'm going to bed, so you can get back to the guy who's going to sneak a thermos full of your blood into the Rose Bowl
9:24:49 PM Nastinchka: I love you too.
9:25:01 PM Livia: I'm not saying it back.
9:25:09 PM Nastinchka: BUTTON THE GODDAMN BUTTON
9:25:53 PM Livia: I don't have time for this. I have to work on the GPS bug I plan on baking into your Christmas cookies so I know where he's hidden you.
9:26:16 PM Nastinchka: I'll ask him to poke some holes in the lid.
9:26:34 PM Livia: Yeah, I'm sure he'll be accomodating like that. What a prince!
9:26:44 PM Nastinchka: GO TO SLEEP, HOOR.
9:27:05 PM Livia: (I'm 60% sure he's not a killer, but I can't let this joke go, and more importantly, I'm 40% sure that he actually is a killer)

12/13/97 Never Forget!!!11

Keep Your Fucking Trophy: A Decade In Review

...you know, I think I've found peace.

In Which My Tits Win The Heisman.

But seriously: Congratulations to Mister Tebow, to whom we wish all the success enjoyed by previous Florida honorees.

The Prettiest Sandbox

Meant to drop a line about this earlier, except I've been in a fever dream since about Friday night and didn't post until this afternoon, but I have the wheel of the Good Ship Swindle this week, along with some Iowa boy and some Texas boy. So if you see an Alabama-Auburn flame war break out in a thread over here (no kidding, an Oklahoma/Notre Dame fan called me homophobic for creating the image in the previous post), just ignore them and they'll go away about as quick as your post-prom rash.

BCS Selection Week: The End of All Things

We're deeply indebted to everyone who's stuck around throughout our little experiment this season (not really; this is our romper room and we does what we likes, but it's nice to be gracious in italics). Here's our curtain call, written by JMW and illustrated by HRA. If you can identify every movie...you're probably hiding under one of our beds.

Before we start, a quick note on the BCS selection process. Of all the ideas that became the United States, there's a line in the Declaration that's at the heart of all the others. "But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and provide new Guards for their future security." Fellow citizens, the time has come for us to shrug of the yoke of a Bowl Championship System that would saddle us with undeniably inferior matchups.

"National" "Championship" Game
Ohio State vs. LSU
LSU, you been touched by an ANGEL, girl. By rights, Tennessee should be playing for the Sugar Bowl, because Ryan Perriloux [Holly's Riverboat Queen] is the worst quarterback this side of Casey Leaf. However, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Ainge took care of that (c'mon, we led for the majority of the game, and then blew it in the last two minutes...NOOOOOOOOO I can't talk about this anymore). Still, I hope LSU rolls OSU just like Florida did last year, and then we can finally stop this ridiculous debate about which is the "best" conference; it's been obvious to anyone with a brain for quite a while now.

BCS: It is a pleasure to see you, your excellency, and I would be honored to expedite your clearance through security.
TRESSEL: Please, call me Zete. Do all of the BCS matchups look like this?
BCS: Oh, I'm afraid so, sir.
TRESSEL: Pathetic. All the cellar teams. They told me this season was ugly, but this has got to be one of the ugliest crap holes in the entire universe.
BCS: I couldn't agree with you more.

Rose Bowl
USC vs. Illinois
Pete Carroll thinks his team should get an automatic championship bid because USC is such a rich school. He should use some of that money to buy himself a clue. LSU is clearly the strongest of the two loss teams; if you compare their two losses, you get Kentucky and Oregon...okay, that's pretty close...and then defending SEC West Champion Arkansas, complete with Darren McFadden, and STANFORD. COME ON, PEOPLE. As for Ron Zook's presence in a BCS Bowl? You see, after all is said and done, the only thing you can be really sure of, the only thing you can really count on in this world, is that you just never fucking know. FUCK the BCS and their stupid rule about 2 teams from the same conference being the limit; 2-loss Missouri gets screwed, and somehow, Ron Zook gets to go.

Sugar Bowl
Hawaii vs. Georgia
MARK RICHT: Well, I never thought I would make it here today. I thought I would get a national championship bid. I would make a great national champion because I promise to put two new pop machines in the cafeteria, and I'm also gonna get a glitter Bonne Bell dispenser for all the girls' bathrooms. Oh, and we're gonna get new cheerleading uniforms. Anyway, I think I'd be a great national champion. So, who wants to eat corn dogs next year? Not me. See, with me it will be summer all year long. Vote for Georgia.

Oh, Hawaii. Do you really think inside your mind that because you swing your ass around on stage and you throw a couple of passes here and there, that you are some colossal success? Successful teams are those that face adversity and overcome it. Being down three touchdowns in one game is not enough to quantify the rest of your schedule (Haleakala State Community College, represent!).

Fiesta Bowl
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia
RICH RODRIGUEZ: [upset] I... I just really thought I was gonna find the treasure.

I am really glad WFV retained a BCS bowl bid, because now I get to wear my Mountaineering Anderson Shirt for another month. Here's the question, though: how come they can lose twice and keep it together, yet Missouri does the same thing and gets shut out? Answer: FUUUUCK YEEEEEEW BCS GNNNNNNNN.

Orange Bowl
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas
FRANK BEAMER: Lemme tell you something, in every relationship, there's a bull and a cow. It just so happens that in this relationship, right here with me and you, I'm the bull, you're the cow. Alright? [Points to self] Bull. [Points to Mark] Cow. You got that?
MANGINO: Yeah, I got it. Bull, cow.

I love that a team like Kansas can rise from mediocrity, and I wish them well, but does this seem a little lopsided to anyone else? Mizzou seems like they would have a better chance against the Hokies than the Jayhawks do. But I also didn't think Arkansas could beat LSU, so what do I know?

Poinsettia
Utah vs. Navy
Let?s just pause and enjoy the moment. Utah? In a bowl. Navy? In a bowl. Notre Dame? Not so much. Good Choice, Harrison Smith.

New Orleans
Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic
Memphis, there's something I've always wanted to tell you and I think you're ready to hear it. You're not very pretty, and you're not very bright. Oh, I'm so glad we had that talk.

Papajohns.com
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati
A three-loss team that almost beat West Virginia against a five-loss team that couldn't beat Rice? Because it's not worth winnin' if you can't win big!

New Mexico
Nevada vs. New Mexico
Once more: Nevada and New Mexico? In bowls. South Carolina? Not. Steve Spurrier? Free for the holidays for the first time since 1990.

Pioneer
UCLA vs. BYU
You embarrass me, UCLA. You embarrass yourself.

Hawaii
East Carolina vs. Boise State
Weak. Weak, weak, weak. I hope these teams enjoy Honolulu, because no one is going to enjoy watching the game they play.

Motor City
Central Michigan vs.Purdue
You should know what a Boilermaker is, Central Michigan. You certainly drank enough of them upon qualifying for a bowl.

Holiday
Arizona State vs. Texas
In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandonded gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "Longhorns" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling. This is it, Longhorns. Your moment has arrived. There is no way Texas is bad enough to lose this game...right?

Texas
TCU vs. Houston
This is what happens when you read too much goth chick lit.

Champs Sports
Boston College vs. Michigan State
I just want to get to know the Matt Ryan beneath the surface arrogance. Peel back the layers. What do I think is below the surface arrogance? More arrogance. And then perhaps a few delicious layers of flaky disdain. All around a creamy sweet center of homicidal rage.

Emerald
Maryland vs. Oregon State
(Deep breath) MARYLAND IS IN A BOWL MARYLAND FEAR THE TURTLE WHOOOOOOOOOOO!! Oregon State is stupid enough not to be a menace, good-looking enough to be decorative; they get drunk with economical speed, and have other advantages, like not having a Turtle for a mascot. Maryland by 90.

Meineke Car Care
UConn vs. Wake Forest
UCONN: Let's just think about this for a second, shall we. I am out of your league, I'm so out of your league, that if your league exploded, I wouldn't hear about it for three days. So let us go on in a companionable silence, shall we?

Liberty
UCF vs. Mississippi State
SYLVESTER CROOM: Come to me, clouds. May you rise as an evil storm born to rip them open. Let the cover of night bear witness and destroy those who resist so they shall harm me not. Let the blood of many cleanse me, preserving beauty eternal, I pray you.

Alamo
Penn State vs. Texas A&M
PATERNO: Dennis, we'll need to take a rain-check on that title matchup.
FRANCHIONE: [excitedly] Ok. I'll wear my razzle dazzle raincoat!

Independence
Alabama vs. Colorado
I'm Ralphie, founder of the Ralphie Kwan Do self-defense system! After one week with me in my dojo, you'll be prepared to defend yourself with the STRENGTH of a grizzly, the reflexes of a PUMA, the survival INSTINCT of a BUFFALO, and the wisdom of a man.

After looking at a bunch of bowl matchups that left me cold, this filled me with predatory excitement. No waffling about who to root for here. Alabama's lucky to even get a fucking bowl bid, which causes despair across the state, and Colorado is just happy to be here, sir! GO BUFFS!

Armed Forces
Air Force vs. Cal
Jeff Tedford: (examining a line of Golden Bears) You, you have weak ankles. One of your calves is bigger than the other. Too much makeup. Not enough makeup. What's with the skin? Say it with me SUNLIGHT. Kicker...enough said. Smile. Don't smile. Ah, good tone and general musculature. Report those compliments to your ass before it gets so big it forms its own website! And you, I take you to be the captain, which means you'll probably need more work than anybody.

Humanitarian
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State
Maybe Chan Gailey COULD get them to a bowl this year. GOSH!

Sun
South Florida vs. Oregon
You know, Mike Bellotti, everyone's saying that your ambition broke Dennis Dixon's leg...when really it was the angle in which he slammed into the ground. Oregon's been in a tailspin ever since, just like USF and their three loss skid ignited by Rutgers. This matchup of two Woulda Coulda Shoulda teams makes for quite an interesting bowl.

Music City
Kentucky vs. Florida State
ANDRE WOODSON: I am a quarterback. That's what I do. You are my offensive line. Offensive linemen are dancers who have gone retarded. What you do is a tiny, pathetic subset of football. I will attempt to turn your robotic routines into poetry, written with the human body. Follow me, or perish, sweater monkeys.

Insight
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State
If we go out and half-ass it 'cause we're scared, then we'll always wonder if we were really good enough. But if we go out there and give it all we've got... that's heroic. You guys wanna be heroes?

Peach (Chick-fil-A)
Clemson vs. Auburn
Never show weakness. The only pain that matters is the pain you inflict.

Outback
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee
A toast? Yeah. To high treason. That's what Fulmer was committing earlier this season. Had we lost the East, he would have been hanged, beheaded, drawn and quartered, and--Oh! Oh, my personal favorite-and had his entrails cut out and burned! So... Here's to the man who did what was considered wrong, in order to do what he knew was right...WIN THE EAST. For this season, I guess that's going to have to be enough. In Tennessee, we wear Badgers for hats. Go Vols!

Cotton
Arkansas vs.Missouri
MCFADDEN: Watch it, boy! You don't want to dis me! Or I'll dish out my misery. Now. who's that sorry wanna-be that disturbed my z's? If you wanna be number one, I'm sorry boy, that's been done! But if you got the itches for a sack of riches don't matter how avaricious, I'm the man that can grant your wishes! Hey, don't turn your butt on me! I'm the man of the ages, straight out of the pages. Hang on! I'm contagious, outrageous, spontaneous! You can't contain this. I am KAZAAM!
DANIELS: I'm really happy for you. You barely made a bowl at all.
MCFADDEN: Where do you think you're going? I'm winning the Cotton and I'm out of your face, back in my box and out of this place.
DANIELS: Listen Mr. Psychopathic Dork in the Basement, I don't think you're winning anything.
MCFADDEN: Do you realize who I am? I'm a genie!!
DANIELS: In that case I wish i was as big as you, but not so stupid.

Gator
Texas Tech vs. Virginia
AL GROH: We also need some way to make us look official, like we got all the answers.
KIP: How bout some gold bracelets?
AL GROH: We need like some name tags with our picture on it, all laminated and what not. I mean, we gotta look legit man.
KIP: That's true, that's true.

Um, the Cavs are in a bowl...wow. Just wow.

Citrus (Capital One)
Michigan vs. Florida
URBAN MEYER: When you go to Nationals... bring it. Don't slack off because you feel sorry for us. That way, when we beat you, we'll know it's because we're better.
MARIO MANNINGHAM: Oh, I'll bring it. Don't worry.
MEYER: I never do.

International
Rutgers vs. Ball State
That's the spirit, Ball State: one part brave, three parts fool.

GMAC
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa
Gross.

Be Poets.

My darling Princess PrettyPants left Tennessee around the same time I did, ran off to Broadway I bolted for Hollywood. When we talk late at night and share entitled giggles over our little victories in the big cities, I sometimes ask her if I picked the right coast. She knows me well enough to knock some damn sense into me and remind me that this is what I wanted, and she's right. Day to day I'm pretty pleased with myself, but now that I've spent a year in a dark room alone staring at a computer screen moving little bits of film around and she's at the opening night party for this....I just don't know. Come home soon, precious, and slap me, will you?

Corn Dog d. Hound Dog

For those of you who've heard of, but never witnessed Bad Erik--well, that's pretty much it. It's not a constant state of being, but flashes of ghastly mistakes that ruin games all on their own. It's painful to watch and this isn't a sports show, so we don't have to talk about it. Our boys have a lot to be proud of, an SEC East banner, and a trip to a good bowl ahead of them.

My attention for tonight is turning to the other team of note in our house, the West Fuckin' By-God Virginia Mountaineers. Something called the "Pitt Panthers" stands between them and the title game. I never get tired of hearing what Pat White thinks of all this:

[UPDATE: And speaking of Pat White, he's on the sidelines in street clothes after a hit left him unable to move the fingers on one hand. It would appear that this is Not Our Day.]