Snarkastic

hide your women and gold hot cousins and bourbon

The hordes all got here safely, enjoyed Disneyland, and are cooking up a storm for tomorrow's tailgate. I'm glad to have their influence--I was nattering on about making lettuce cups and Lillian took me by the shoulders and told me in hushed, somber tones that Lettuce Cups Are Improper Tailgate Fare and that she really thought it was time I came on home. Without a guiding Dixieland hand I'd probably end up making the Coke brownies with cocaine instead of cola*, and then where would we be? Besides hanging off the fire escape?

Joylie is on her way out from ATL. Joylie was my sophomore year roommate at UT and is solely responsible for the episode that left me clinging to the top of a Jeep careening through the Old City (somehow blasting Build Me Up Buttercup--don't laugh, it's the only thing I remember). She's staying with me, so this weekend should go well.

Anyway, sundresses are pressed, things are baking, about five more runs to the airport/liquor store** and we'll be all set. We're heading over to the golf course around noon, hooking up with the cadre of family friends and schoolmates making the trip, partying 'til 4:00 or so then stumbling to the stadium. Swing by if you're in the neighborhood--we'll be the ones struggling valiantly between operating at the highest ideals of hospitality and calculating every action for pure shock value (orange sequined cowboy hats have been discussed. Oh, god).

*kidding, Mom.
**Not in the same building, which is another thing I miss about home. And what if we need bait?

YOU GOTTA MAKE BLOOD COME THROUGH THE MOUTH

ASSUMING I HAVE ANYTHING BUT BLACK NOTHINGNESS ON EVERY GODDAMN CHANNEL, today's specials (cheering interests in bold):

• Hawaii @ Florida*
• USC @ Virginia
• Utah** @ Michigan
• Villanova @ West Fuckin' By-God Virginia
• Delaware @ Maryland***
• Florida Atlantic @ Texas
• Michigan State @ Cal
• Alabama vs. Clemson
• Washington @ Oregon

*Seriously, why bother? This is just mean.
**For Danny-san, and also for Charles Woodson, even though we've found serenity.
***A reminder of how things are run around here: Livia cheers her heart out for my secondary inherited allegiances to WFV and Texas, and I do the same for hers to Maryland and Colorado. That's love, and that's juju.

p/s I am told I can slot anyone I wish into my KSK Suicide Pool before opening it up to their general commentariat, so if you want in, let me know by Monday. 50ish slots available.

Where to find me this fall (deeeeep breath):

• Here, here, and here, but you knew that.
• Inaugurated and sidebarred and author page'd over at Yahoo(!), where you'll my find my first column, covering the tailgating scene chez Mr. Jefferson.
• Returning to my beloved APIAS for another season of picks
• Pontificating EW-steezy with an Algonquin Round Table of Steeler fans at One for the Other Thumb
• Splashing haphazardly in Burnt Orange Nation's picks pool
• Running one of KSK's suicide pools, by virtue of being susceptible to flattery in the middle of the night
• Holding steady in the 3rd annual Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression fantasy league (please welcome Longhorn Book Deal and The Great Barstoolio to our ranks!)
• NOT commissioning any fantasy leagues of my own, thank Heavenly Thing
• ...except this. I finally got that experimental league I've been kicking around with up and running. This will be a keeper league, with three teams: All-Hair, All-Name, and All-Felony Arrest. Is it scientifically better to draft a player with a wicked 'stache over a guy named D'Brickashaw? Let's find out. Much, much more on this later, sadly.

scant highlights:

Time Warner, attempting to attach GamePlan to my cable package, not only signed me up for MLB Extra Innings and ESPN Full Court (TWICE), they shut off my cable trying to reset the box, and now I can't even get rag'lar ESPN. Then we had a full quarter's worth of headaches over at the new Yahoo digs with the liveblog software, which is why my first appearance is characterized by test comments saying things like "MY COMMENTS ARE IN BOLD BECAUSE I AM IMPORTANT" and then disappearing for an hour at a time while I wrestled the f'ing cable company.

I am soothed by the following:

Taco victory (next, savethebaconwrappedhotdogs.org, kay guys?).

The Speech. Oh, mercy, the speech.

belle of the balls (hush)

I'm about to make my Yahoo(!) debut over thisaway, covering any of the opening night games I can get without resorting to GamePlan, which I paid over a hundred dollars for, and which does not work.

[Update: After thirteen minutes on hold with TW, it is revealed that the service was added to my plan when I called last week, then immediately removed. The guy cannot figure out how to add it back. He wants to know if I would like ESPN Full Court instead.]

[Update one mo'gin: "Carlos" claims he has added ESPN GamePlan back onto my service. He says it should work instantaneously. It does not. And I missed kickoff of all the first games of the season, thanks to Time Warner.]

[Last update before I shoulder my pitchfork and set off to do murder at Time Warner: You are not going to believe what is happening. More tomorrow.]

'Twas the Night Before Foobaw

Penned and given unto me by intrepid reader Whitey, and presented, in awe, without further comment, except to say that there should be Humanitas Prizes awarded for turns of phrase like the second line of this poem.

'Twas the night before College Football, when from the Swamp to the Big House,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a sports blogger's mouse;
The helmets were hung by the lockers with care,
In hopes that the Game Day crew soon would be there;
The alumni were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of crystal footballs danc'd in their heads,
And Mama in her offically licensed 'kerchief, and I in my 'FUSC' cap,
Had just settled our brains for a late summer's nap,
When out on the FieldTurf there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like Pat White,
Tearing through the secondary on a warm, West Virgina night.
The moon on the breasts of Jenn Sterger, that ho,
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below;
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But Matt Stafford cuddled next to a keg of Lite beer,
In the sky there was lightning, so angry and feral,
Being tamed and harnessed by St. Peter Carroll.
Then more rapid than eagles the All-Americans came,
And Verne Lundquist whistled, and shouted, and call'd them by name:
"Now! Harvin, now! Selvie, now! Maualuga, and Tebow,
"On! Wells, on! Berry, on! Laurinitis and Moreno;
"To the top of the conference! to the top of the Poll!
"Now 40 yard dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As blue-chippers before the wild Hurricanes fly,
When they meet with Randy Shannon, a real "stand-up guy";
So up to Ole Rocky-Top the players they flew,
With doughnuts and cheese for Fulmer's crew:
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The sighing and shuffling of College coaches aloof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Nick Saban came with a frown:
He was dress'd all in Crimson, from his head to his toes,
And he said, "I don't have time for this prose";
Then came Urban with a bundle of schollys on his back,
And he sounded like a peddler just opening his pack:
His eyes - how they twinkled! his dimples how merry,
He talked of next season, with a rival recruit on his BlackBerry;
Then came Charlie Weis, who had to walk in through the do',
His arms and legs were pasty and white as the snow;
The stump of a Slim Jim he held tight in his teeth,
And he asked the other coaches where was the f&*#in Roast Beast?
Weis had a broad face, and a big round belly
That shook when he curs'd, like a bowl full of jelly:
Then came the Old Ball Coach, a right jolly old elf,
And I laugh'd when I saw him in spite of myself;
A toss of his visor and a twist of his head
And with his soft, Southern drawl, I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
Called Urban a liar; and Tommy Bowden a jerk,
And laying his sand wedge aside of his nose
And giving a nod to Ty Willie, up the chimney he rose.
I sprang to my plasma, to hear the opening whistle,
Of the soft early schedules, like the down of a thistle:
And as the Opening weekend closed - I heard the ancient refrain
Happy College Football to all, and JoePa needs braaaains!

I've got chills, they're multiplyin'

And here's the lark: The world is a fine place, and worth fighting for.

....by which I clearly meant "Tuesday of next week", so quit bugging me.

A lark for EDSBS tomorrow that should've taken me an hour, tops, took four when I decided to get fancy, and then just as I was about to get to Laffing I found a Secret Garden alum in Orange County who I didn't know existed (out here, not philosophically). It's odd that I keep running into college buddies entirely by accident in a city this big, but let it keep up. I hate making new friends. (Don't laugh. If you'd been through my year you'd agree the only ones safe to know are the ones I already got.)

to read while I'm buried in footage:

• Joe Biden's tech voting record
• And a guy making a movie about a giant possum robot that I wish would carry Joe Biden away

Laff Riot: Programming Note

No, the preseason purge didn't wear me out. Given everything that Mondays are about to entail for my schedule this fall, I'm bumping Laff Riots to Tuesdays in order to give them the time they deserve to craft.

Snacky bit to tide you over:

STELLA: she said it reminded her of sticking her finger up someone else's nose.
HOLLY: She did not.
STELLA: How could I forget that?
HOLLY: I think she's cribbing that one Australian movie, and I think the metaphor was about sex, not smoking
STELLA: I googled--Muriel's Wedding?
HOLLY: YES
HOLLY: yes. That's the one.
HOLLY: See, for me cigarette smoke is like semen.
STELLA: I cannot wait to see where this is heading
HOLLY: You're not going to like it; just sign off now
STELLA: do your worst
HOLLY: I mean, it can be fun, but I just don't want to find it in my HAIR hours later...
HOLLY: ...hello?
STELLA: So you're saying it's fine for your mouth, but nowhere else?
HOLLY: Exactly. WAIT THAT IS SO MUCH WORSE
STELLA: you do this to yourself, you know.
HOLLY: So what's the sexual equivalent of a social smoker?

you're getting the call

Too sleepy for sass, but, announcement!

A couple weeks ago, I accepted an offer to join the writing staff at Yahoo(!)'s new college football blog, found right hyah. The proprietor is our generation's answer to Phil Steele, whose prose you should recognize from his former quarters, and he's put together a team of guys who are all smarter than me, though none with better hair, so this should be fun for everyone. I'll have a column running on Fridays (starting this week!) spotlighting notable tailgate games, miscellaneous contributions to Thursday and Saturday game coverage, and if I can talk the Good Doctor into it, some fresh tidbits from my newly completed Foobaw Video LaBORatory.

I also regret to inform my collection of stalkers, fanboys, and personal trolls that this does not spell my departure from the Swindle homestead. All of this, of course, will overlap and coincide with EDSBS hurtling into the same season of madness. The Corrections have gone into hibernation, but the aforementioned LaBORatory (to be spelled in such fashion until you can all pronounce it properlike) is humming along, and much wonderment awaits hatching. I can't wait.

"...and maybe it was the trees, the feeling of the summer breeze, or that they actually launched multiple women into space, but I thought it was pretty cool."

Did one of you join the staff of The Onion and not tell us? I do not pose this question lightly.

return to the scene of the DUMBFUCK ENDING

I keep trying to forget about this, but Jesse/'Box/Big Daddy finally saw The Mist, and I checked just to make sure, and yes, I AM STILL UPSET.

To reiterate: I fucking love the book ending. Love. It. Loved it since I first read that story when I snuck my mom's copy of Dark Forces off the living room shelf in junior high. The movie ending....well, arbitrary's a good word for it, Big Petal, but I'm going to go with BULLSHIT.

NERD QUEEN NERD QUEEN LA LALA LALA LA

I just got pulled over because of a SHOW TUNE. You will all cower before me.

it's all coming back to me (n)ow

The soft whir of fleet fingers on the boards and the thousand-yard stare of color work. The world-rocking relief when you realize everyone's worked together long enough that you're all going to hit the threshold of diminishing returns at the same time. Praising Heavenly Thing for Aeron's rocket space chairs that keep your spinal column pain-free for fifteen hours at a stretch, and for your bedmate being out of town so you can strip and fall into bed sans pajamas without having to put out. How quickly I forgot.

For reasons that will have to wait 'til Monday to explain *cough*newgig*cough*, it's a really bad time for me to be missing days and days of news coverage ramping up to the season, but Knoxville, Baton Rouge, Boulder, Indianapolis, San Diego, and more are on the travel agenda for fall, and despite my surpassing prettiness those tickets won't write themselves. Further up and further in.

...uh-oh.

Also of concern: Collapsing into bed after thirteen uninterrupted hours in a dark edit bay, two hours of drinking, and a seven-minute shower, and quite looking forward to getting up and doing it all again six more days in a row. I've been unhappy with my writing lately. Time to ponder the possibility I'm just unable to function at speeds below "frappe".

auf wiedererrorregretten

Corrections come to a close for the year, as we'll have Real Live Football to bat around next week. (Why, yes; I could start these before 3 AM every week, but then you wouldn't get Nate Longshore riding around Berkeley on an invisible unicorn discussing United States energy policy, and no one wants to live in a world where that's not possible.)

JOE BIDEN IS AN ELABORATE HOAX.

Look, if we're going to tap a VP nominee who will be NO NET HELP WHATSOEVER, can't we have Chris Dodd? His head looks like a snow leopard sleeps on it at night!

(Am I nursing a shiny ball of hate in my chest because Wes Clark should've been dubbed President-For-Life for saying being shot down in a war doesn't qualify McCain to be President? 'course I am. However. BIDEN?)

(And a blanket warning until next January or so, for the new and wrongheaded: The five or six of you right-winglets who wandered over here from some football site or other and enjoy interjecting your point of view into these threads can stow it and stay that way. This is not a political blog; you don't get equal time here. There's a war on and you're all on the wrong side of it and I don't care why, but sell it someplace else. Not one word about your slithery, bigoted war "hero". Go on, now.)

'til it's over over there

The Army wants me back, again. I'll be scarce pretty much until kickoff next week. Be excellent to each other.

What's wrong with this picture?

I'm on hold with Time Warner right now, because neither of the two operators I've been transferred to has ever heard of ESPN GamePlan. A week before football season. So I hopped over to their website.

A week before football season. I'm trying to give them money. Why doesn't Time Warner SoCal want my money?

the war at home

Knoxville is in the national news again, this time not for a church shooting! No, just a kid gunning down a classmate in the cafeteria. Good fucking grief.

I suppose these bear explanation...

Momma, Daddy, I know you're reading this despite my pleas not to, but trust me: just skip this one, for all our sakes.

Laff Riot 90: You look beautiful in the candlelight, buddy.

And this'll do it, actually. I really could have planned this better, but that unwieldy-ass file is down to a lean, mean, and manageable 77 pages. Back to Mondays starting next week, and back to football the Monday after. Thanks for bearing with me and this here experiment, which I suspect amused only me (not that that's ever stopped anything).

1:36:24 PM PB: whatcha bakin?
1:36:24 PM Nastinchka: (Autoreply) bakin', ballin'
1:36:33 PM Nastinchka: spinnichdip
1:36:41 PM PB: yum
1:50:11 PM Nastinchka: oh
1:50:12 PM Nastinchka: my
1:50:13 PM Nastinchka: GOD
1:50:24 PM PB: what a start for green bay
1:50:32 PM Nastinchka: Brett Farrrrve is a warrior!
1:55:49 PM Nastinchka: I see every single Green Bay fan as Randy Quaid's character in Independence Day.

2:09:50 PM Nastinchka: who's that in the Kentucky uniforms?
2:10:01 PM Swindle: Mississippi State
2:10:17 PM Nastinchka: I thought this toast was milquey.

11:18:30 AM Nastinchka: unportsmanlike petting
11:18:36 AM Momma: too many tattoos, too little brain
11:19:03 AM Nastinchka: They were teammates at Iowa
11:19:07 AM Nastinchka: I'm sure he was just teasing.
11:19:15 AM Nastinchka: that guy is a sweetie.
11:19:18 AM Nastinchka: for a pro football player.
11:19:18 AM Momma: where's Iowa?
11:19:32 AM Nastinchka: somewhere in that flat place.
11:19:48 AM Momma: ok, I b'lieve

3:11:27 PM Barstoolio: do you by any strange chance know that Coop person on EDSBS?
3:18:47 PM Nastinchka: He's my own personal troll, apparently.
3:18:53 PM Nastinchka: Why?
3:20:44 PM Barstoolio: Apparently animated .gifs give off opinions with which he disagrees.

12:01:25 PM Nastinchka: How to make a duck call into a sex toy.
12:01:37 PM Swindle: I'm not field testing that.

5:52:37 PM PB: I managed to piss off fans of both Colorado and Notre Dame's football teams today. Not bad.
5:52:53 PM Nastinchka: I haven't read the internets--what happened?
5:53:09 PM Nastinchka: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THE BUFFALO.

1:13:01 PM Momma: poor kitty. I was watching the colts' last play and proceeded to drop an entire box of tins nearly on top of her. skeered her near to death

12:55:43 PM PB: Thank you, Sitemeter
12:56:14 PM Nastinchka: I am so proud of you.
12:56:24 PM PB: That's a crowning moment.
12:56:39 PM PB: And thank you, Ramonce Taylor!
1:33:25 PM Nastinchka: Oh, man
1:33:28 PM Nastinchka: I might have you beat
1:33:46 PM PB: HAHAHA
1:34:06 PM Nastinchka: I mean, I'm not the TOP HIT or anything
1:34:09 PM Nastinchka: and thank god for that.
1:34:14 PM Nastinchka: But I'll get there.
1:34:14 PM PB: But first page
1:34:20 PM Nastinchka: Oh, I'll get there.

1:47:28 PM Nastinchka: Where does Perez Hilton stand on JoePa?
1:47:48 PM Swindle: Bent over in front of him with his pants down, I imagine.
1:47:53 PM Nastinchka: .
1:48:24 PM Swindle: You were asking for that.
1:48:39 PM Nastinchka: There we disagree.
1:48:48 PM Nastinchka: But thanks for helping me skip lunch.
1:48:57 PM Swindle: I'm always there.

4:07:53 PM Momma: I'm going to drown my sorrows in opening matches of the Australian Open
4:08:08 PM Momma: accidentally found on ESPN 2
4:09:15 PM Nastinchka: I'm drowning MY sorrows in Swiffering.
4:19:35 PM Momma: well, when you're done the Colts will still be finished but you'll have a clean floor
4:19:44 PM Momma: so you'll be a bit better off

11:28:30 AM Swindle: Also: your band is playing "Separate Ways."
11:28:38 AM Nastinchka: disavow!
11:28:45 AM Swindle: No.
11:28:55 AM Swindle: They were.
11:29:15 AM Swindle: Done now; playing some song about fucking a catbear
11:29:32 AM Nastinchka: I can hear it!
11:52:13 AM Swindle: Programming note: Tennessee cheerleaders are the best by far.
11:52:22 AM Nastinchka: hell yes.
11:52:44 AM Swindle: Attractive, but not "Imperial", if you catch my drift.
11:53:08 AM Swindle: And what I'm saying is that the LSU squad looked like whores.

6:12:24 PM Nastinchka: I'm delicate!
6:12:32 PM Nastinchka: (I'm not delicate, but I'm afraid of herpes)
6:19:28 PM Nastinchka: Huh. NYNY is only about 1.5x as expensive
6:19:48 PM PB: You just want to snuggle with ESPN Zone
6:19:52 PM Nastinchka: KINDA!
6:37:00 PM PB: Plus: skeeball
6:37:05 PM Nastinchka: SKEEBALL

12:52:17 PM Nastinchka: I was talking to my daddy just now and I told him about the post this morning, about the ride-alongs and how it would be funny to arrest another Vol with a player in the front seat.
12:52:36 PM Swindle: Did he agree?
12:52:44 PM Nastinchka: And his response was "As long as a younger player doesn't get to sit in front of an older player. That would NEVAH do."
12:52:59 PM Swindle: That's a true Tennessee fan.
12:53:32 PM Swindle: Football has rules! Boats are for tailgatin! And if things start going bad in the second quarter, apply whiskey with maximum force.
12:54:20 PM Nastinchka: [places hand over heart]
12:54:46 PM Swindle: I'm really glad Tennessee fans don't have hollow, cyanide-laced teeth.
12:55:00 PM Swindle: They'd be too quick to use them.
12:55:15 PM Nastinchka: Now THAT would make the stadium quiet.

Laff Riot 89: I Will Give My Shirt For Tennessee Today

Oh, this was never going to end badly:

12:38:15 PM Swindle: Time to announce the bet, btw
12:38:26 PM Swindle: Last chance to back out.
12:38:28 PM Nastinchka: Gladiator theme!
12:38:29 PM Swindle: I'm merciful
12:38:34 PM Nastinchka: Last chance for You, sucka.
12:38:44 PM Swindle: Then to the games, then!
12:38:59 PM Nastinchka: [roman salute]
12:39:03 PM Nastinchka: Live free. Die well.
12:39:05 PM Nastinchka: (Die tomorrow.)
12:39:08 PM Nastinchka: (Please.)
12:39:09 PM Swindle: DIE
12:39:24 PM Nastinchka: Hope you're not going bald.
12:39:25 PM Swindle: (Raising my Viking mug to you.)
12:39:36 PM Nastinchka: Everyone'll see the top of your head when you're down in that well.

8:58:37 PM Swindle: Folic acid.
8:58:39 PM Swindle: Start now.
8:58:48 PM Swindle: Oh, and you'll need some fresh possum
8:58:52 PM Swindle: Cajun babies need it.
8:58:55 PM Nastinchka: .....
8:59:26 PM Nastinchka: Possums are scarce 'round these parts.
9:00:00 PM Swindle: It comes canned.
9:00:07 PM Nastinchka: WHY?
9:00:14 PM Swindle: It's not as good, but for fricassee it will do.

8:43:26 PM Nastinchka: Is there a name for that hands-on-head-football-defeat stance?
8:43:37 PM Swindle: The Peyton Manning face
8:43:45 PM Nastinchka: -1
8:43:56 PM Swindle: He makes that face all the time!
8:44:04 PM Swindle: he made it in the Super Bowl!
8:44:10 PM Swindle: He makes it when he climaxes!
8:44:13 PM Nastinchka: It's not even Sunday yet!
8:44:19 PM Nastinchka: We gotta start already?
8:44:23 PM Swindle: It's tahm
8:44:31 PM Nastinchka: Oh, all right.
8:44:36 PM Nastinchka: [dusts off fighting shoes]
8:44:48 PM Swindle: You wear shoes when you fight?
8:44:54 PM Swindle: Impostor tennessean
8:45:04 PM Nastinchka: Takes one to know one, sir.
8:45:17 PM Swindle: Oh, yes.
8:45:32 PM Swindle: That's not an insult from this location, ma'am
8:46:01 PM Nastinchka: Wasn't intended as such, sir. Come back to the fold. There is room for all in the sullen embrace of Rocky Top.
8:46:09 PM Swindle: (Bless your heart)
8:46:09 PM Nastinchka: We forgive you for your $50 haircuts.
8:46:20 PM Nastinchka: And your City Mouse ways.
8:46:28 PM Nastinchka: Come back and rest a spell.
8:46:32 PM Swindle: Actually, I paid 25 dollars for a shave today
8:46:49 PM Nastinchka: [retort redacted because that sounds intriguing]
8:47:13 PM Swindle: seriously:
8:47:22 PM Swindle: Complimentary Miller High Life
8:47:29 PM Swindle: Flat screens all around
8:47:41 PM Swindle: Hot towels between each stage of the shave
8:47:55 PM Swindle: Fancy lad shaving gels and aftershaves
8:48:04 PM Swindle: And all done with a straight razor
8:48:33 PM Swindle: By some guy who looked like Questlove and acutally asked me who my favoriite Polynesian football player was.

11:23:40 AM Holly: quick
11:23:45 AM Holly: who is the coolest girl you know?
11:24:00 AM PB: you?
11:24:04 AM Holly: yes.
11:24:07 AM Holly: because
11:24:20 AM Holly: I propped my laptop up on the BATHROOM COUNTER
11:24:26 AM Holly: so I could watch the game in the shower
11:24:29 AM PB: That's disturbing.
11:24:35 AM Holly: I am all that is man
11:24:37 AM Holly: with girl parts

2:20:55 PM Swindle: I might need a guest columnist from the female side
2:21:03 PM Nastinchka: Know any girls?
2:21:17 PM Swindle: No. I know dirty, brawling whores.
2:21:29 PM Nastinchka: You are from Das Parallelogram.
2:21:34 PM Swindle: I love them all.

9:06:36 PM Swindle: I just saw Jim Harbaugh say "Let's play with an enthusiasm UNKNOWN TO MANKIND!!!"
9:06:53 PM Swindle: This seems logically impossible
9:06:54 PM Nastinchka: Does that happen in baysbawl?
9:07:00 PM Swindle: No. Fuck baseball.
9:07:04 PM Swindle: My god, fuck baseball.
9:07:12 PM Swindle: Take your dick?
9:07:16 PM Swindle: The one you don't have?
9:07:23 PM Swindle: And it's bigger than baseball's dick
9:08:39 PM Nastinchka: I forgot how loooong baseball season was.
9:08:43 PM Swindle: There's 162 of those naps
9:08:51 PM Swindle: All spaced out throughout nappy time in the year
9:08:52 PM Nastinchka: Steadfastly.
9:09:06 PM Swindle: And people who live in NYC still care
9:09:54 PM Swindle: New York I love you, but you're bringing me down. By caring about baseball

1:31:53 PM Swindle: Can I scream for one moment?
1:32:01 PM Swindle: I'd like to do that
1:32:10 PM Swindle: AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
1:32:15 PM Nastinchka: Feel better?
1:32:23 PM Swindle: No.
1:32:29 PM Swindle: I may actually have to do that.
1:32:37 PM Swindle: With this thing in my throat, this...
1:32:38 PM Swindle: um...
1:32:41 PM Swindle: voice

9:15:40 AM Nastinchka: How the fuck did they get Maguire up so early?
9:15:56 AM Nastinchka: Or is he still rocking the Friday drunk?
9:16:46 AM Swindle: Oh, still drunk.
9:16:59 AM Swindle: But peppy.
9:17:01 AM Nastinchka: I don't think I've ever seen him in daylight.
9:17:15 AM Nastinchka: I'm kind of scared for them to cut to him.

6:20:48 PM Nastinchka: ...GARY DANIELSON JUST DROPPED A "FEAR THE HAT".

12:33:19 PM Swindle: Mandel called bloggers dirty!
12:33:26 PM Nastinchka: I saw!
12:33:45 PM Nastinchka: His blood pressure might have gone up a whoooole point!
12:34:11 PM Nastinchka: Am composing a response that takes "dirty" in an entirely new, though not unexpected direction.

8:20:26 PM Nastinchka: I had a mouthful of ginger ale
8:20:37 PM Nastinchka: when I got to the line about "single issue blogs weren't considered"
8:20:45 PM Nastinchka: I no longer have a mouthful of anything

7:16:59 PM Swindle: I can't believe I'm going to type this
7:17:44 PM Swindle: But I feel bad for Miami
7:17:50 PM Nastinchka: I do too. it's weird.
7:20:47 PM Swindle: Sympathy for the devil
7:20:53 PM Swindle: and for Janie

2:35:08 PM Swindle: a teen girl magazine's name with an exclamation point in the title?
2:35:48 PM Nastinchka: I think Cosmo Girl has an !
2:36:29 PM Swindle: "Pregnant!"
2:37:40 PM Nastinchka: Excuse me.
2:37:43 PM Nastinchka: CosmoGIRL!
2:46:34 PM Swindle: AsianAchiever!
2:46:56 PM Swindle: Bur'nd Out!
2:47:03 PM Nastinchka: Oh, we're making these up!
2:47:18 PM Nastinchka: Cutterz! (The dot on the ! is a drop of blood.)
2:47:24 PM Swindle: I hope there's no magazine called PREGNANT!
2:47:36 PM Nastinchka: It should be PREGGERS!
2:48:22 PM Swindle: DramaGirlz!
2:48:48 PM Swindle: (Girl with ren-fair gear on cover, highlighted hair, boyfriend goes to other school)
2:49:02 PM Nastinchka: HEY.
2:49:11 PM Nastinchka: I mean, what?
2:49:18 PM Swindle: I shoot close
2:49:24 PM Nastinchka: Grazed me, you bastard.
2:49:40 PM Swindle: Bannd Chix!
2:49:52 PM Swindle: Actually, that would be called
2:49:56 PM Swindle: N Step!
2:50:00 PM Nastinchka: Gross.
2:50:14 PM Swindle: Never dated band girls
2:50:20 PM Swindle: never piss in your own pool
3:03:24 PM Swindle: We did Phantom of the Opera and Gone with the Wind.
3:03:28 PM Swindle: I know from shame
3:03:38 PM Nastinchka: GWTW?????
3:03:44 PM Swindle: Oh, yes.
3:03:48 PM Nastinchka: Fuck and yes.
3:04:31 PM Nastinchka: Did your twirlers wear sequined confederate flag leotards? Because they make those.
3:04:37 PM Swindle: Hoop skirts
3:04:41 PM Nastinchka: YES!
3:05:22 PM Nastinchka: So retroactively and disproportionately jealous.
3:06:18 PM Swindle: It was better than phantom, fo sho
3:06:28 PM Nastinchka: Oh, fuck Andrew Lloyd Webber right in the fucking face.
3:06:36 PM Swindle: That was the year after Santa Clara got a perfect score doing it in DCI
3:06:48 PM Swindle: my geek points just went through the roof. watch for debris
3:07:13 PM Nastinchka: I paid to watch the DCI finals in a movie theatre in Burbank last year.
3:07:22 PM Swindle: Shit!
3:07:27 PM Swindle: Warn me next time
3:07:29 PM Swindle: That nearly killed me
3:07:32 PM Nastinchka: But yes, you're in the Great Glass Elevator of nerddom.
3:07:46 PM Swindle: Floating above the factory
3:09:54 PM Swindle: Band in Florida never compared.
3:10:09 PM Swindle: though we did face bands in Miami who had a bass player and steel drummer
3:14:07 PM Swindle: They didn't march, they just played their asses off
3:14:20 PM Swindle: Oh, we played Pearl-Cohn
3:14:24 PM Nastinchka: Oh, they were badass.
3:14:39 PM Swindle: They beat us 50-0 on the field and 1111000000000-0 at half time
3:14:53 PM Swindle: They did "I'm Your Baby Tonight" full arrangement a week after it came out.

9:14:17 PM Swindle: I just don't want one thing to happen: victory by field goal.
9:14:24 PM Swindle: That's just ignoble.
9:14:30 PM Nastinchka: I don't think there should BE field goals for this game.
9:15:07 PM Swindle: No punts, either.
9:15:16 PM Nastinchka: Now now, let us have our one weapon.
9:15:38 PM Swindle: No.
9:15:49 PM Swindle: This is like when two great warrriors put down the sword and armor
9:16:02 PM Nastinchka: But...but...COLQUITT FOR HEISMAN WOOOOOOOO
9:16:16 PM Swindle: Take my rings off, get me some vaseline
9:16:24 PM Swindle: Pull the weaves straight out.
9:16:35 PM Swindle: This is bitchfightin'.
9:16:37 PM Nastinchka: How IS Reggie Nelson?
9:16:54 PM Swindle: How is Leonard Little?
9:17:04 PM Nastinchka: Wanna try again?
9:17:16 PM Swindle: Speeding through kindergartens as we speak?
9:17:28 PM Nastinchka: Now, this was about hair.
9:17:43 PM Swindle: This is about SPARTAAAAAAAA
9:17:51 PM Nastinchka: Granted.
9:18:16 PM Swindle: And reggie's fine, hair and all.
9:18:36 PM Nastinchka: No argument from me.
9:18:42 PM Swindle: Starting his first game for the Jacksonville Jaguars, Nelson had seven tackles, a sack and forced a fumble.
9:19:01 PM Nastinchka: He is the sole reason I drafted JAX defense.
9:19:03 PM Nastinchka: The only reason.
9:19:07 PM Swindle: He would have scored, but he tripped over his dick on the way into the endzone
9:19:16 PM Nastinchka: Happens to the best of us.
9:19:18 PM Swindle: His only weakness as a player.

7:40:46 PM Swindle: 5 TDS
7:40:52 PM Swindle: GODDAMN
7:40:55 PM Nastinchka: Whatever he's made of, can we cover the space shuttle in it?
7:41:57 PM Swindle: He's going to be arrested
7:42:07 PM Swindle: For operating a demolition crew without a permit
7:42:13 PM Nastinchka: zing
7:42:30 PM Swindle: (Brick wall background)
7:42:35 PM Swindle: (Morning show music)
7:43:04 PM Swindle: I don't wanna work...I wanna bang on the drum all day

Laser Rocket Arm vs. Das Neckbeard

I've never given Peter King a whole lot of thought until today, when he wrote this panty-clutching passage (complete with misplaced apostrophe in the header), all atwitter re: OMG WHAT IF PEYTON DOESN'T START IN WEEK 1 THE SKY HAS TURNED TO SACKCLOTH. Except that by the end of about four paragraphs, even he admits how ridiculously unlikely this scenario is (also, he wouldn't understand the sackcloth joke). Way to fill your column inches, twatwaffle.

What goes unsaid is that he's just fussy because Peyton is going to obliterate his boy Favre's consecutive starts record, but what I REALLY resent is that he puts me in the position of agreeing with the Colts bloggers at Stampede Blue, to which I will not link because it's just a godawful website. (There is not a single Indy blog out there that doesn't make me want to hit myself in the face with Jeff Saturday's giant fist. Not. One. Livia and I are the most talented Colts bloggers I know, and this isn't even a sports show. That's....alarming.) Quoth they: "Listen, despite the hopes of many an AFC South team and the Bears, Peyton Manning will start Week One. It's a given. Write it down. It's about as automatic as it gets." Absolutment, sirs. Let's put the focus where it belongs, namely pondering that Week 1 will feature Peyton Manning versus Kyle Orton, rolling on the floor in fits of derisive giggles, and savoring a special preseason emotion I'm calling awesometicipation.

required reading

Today, Not Here:

• Making pretty pictures in the name of NCAA-sponsored alcoholism.
• A harrowing experience with rocks glasses.

Laff Riot 88: Do Not mistake our youthful joy for benevolence.

7:52:14 AM Nastinchka: no one
7:52:16 AM Nastinchka: (NO ONE)
7:52:25 AM Nastinchka: knows anything but the second to last two lines of the alma mater
7:52:32 AM Nastinchka: And that's only because it's the name of the song
7:52:36 AM PB: Are you serious?
7:52:39 AM Nastinchka: I tell people this and they never believe me
7:52:58 AM Nastinchka: until they hear 100K people going mumblemumblemumbleSO HERE'S TO YOU OLD TENNESSEE mumblemumblemumble
7:53:01 AM Nastinchka: Hand to god
7:53:09 AM PB: Unbelievable.

6:25:45 PM Swindle: unfair to call Matt Grothe a homely Chris Rix without lead poisoning?
6:26:51 PM Nastinchka: Who cares, it's too good not to use.
6:27:48 PM Swindle: Decorum be damned.
6:27:54 PM Swindle: He's a really, really odd looking person
6:28:30 PM Nastinchka: He is only improved with werewolf eyes.
6:28:54 PM Swindle: That is the stupidest shit I've ever seen.
6:28:56 PM Swindle: Applause
6:29:04 PM Nastinchka: They GLOW!
6:29:11 PM Nastinchka: That took, like, five extra minutes!

12:38:51 PM Swindle: Do you have a job?
12:38:53 PM Swindle: That's good.
12:38:59 PM Swindle: Bill Callahan won't after today
12:40:08 PM Swindle: Nebraska's allowed something like 1900 yards offense over the last four game
12:40:26 PM Nastinchka: Callahan's trying for the pink Cadillac.

9:21:01 PM Livia: So you'll always remember:
9:21:20 PM Livia: STEWART: You must be a POLTERGEIST, because I'm attracted to your LIFE FORCE!!! (PONYBOY!)
9:22:06 PM Nastinchka: I
9:22:06 PM Nastinchka: love
9:22:08 PM Nastinchka: everything
9:22:41 PM Livia: Swindle will live to regret turning over EDSBS to you for the weekend. Well, he probably won't live, as a Florida fan in Baton Rouge, but still.

1:05:26 PM Nastinchka: Jesus God, did UVa just beat Georgia Tech, or is my little having a heat stroke? I can't really tell.
1:08:41 PM Swindle: That just happened
1:12:12 PM Nastinchka: bless her heart, I told her not to drink brown liquor when it's 101 in the stadium, but it's UVa, so I suppose she must represent.
1:34:14 PM Swindle: too many stimuli
1:34:19 PM Swindle: Still i exist
1:46:24 PM Nastinchka: by the way, verne lundquist just implied that matt flynn's mother fucked matt damon, on the air.
1:46:39 PM Swindle: he reads us for a reason

2:07:32 PM Swindle: Our lawyer the lawyer suggests that Florida survived because the Orgeron ran out of tasty pickapeppa sauce
2:08:23 PM Nastinchka: He lost interest? Probably.
2:11:34 PM Swindle: Animals do that sometimes.
2:11:45 PM Swindle: BB: Will you change qbs?
2:11:50 PM Swindle: Spurrier: Possibly
2:11:56 PM Swindle: On the road at LSU
2:11:59 PM Nastinchka: Bless his heart.

1:15:02 PM Nastinchka: If you don't use that shot from yesterday, I will be supremely disappointed.
1:15:40 PM Nastinchka: It's so Grizzardy!
1:16:07 PM Swindle: That's the shot.
1:16:31 PM Nastinchka: Outstanding.
1:17:02 PM Nastinchka: and I will be right there, to proudly raise my head and point and say WTF THAT IS A PIC OF TIM TEBOW.
1:18:15 PM Swindle: It is!

11:58:46 AM Nastinchka: from comment thread: "I just saw a Rutgers fan playing air guitar on an AXE.?" This guy, whoever he is, belongs in the SEC. He's in the wrong place. The stars are misaligned.

I have no idea what this was about.
7:49:36 AM Swindle: Little oregon ducklets
7:49:42 AM Swindle: Sleeping on their beddies
7:49:52 AM Nastinchka: bawwwwwwwww.
7:50:09 AM Swindle: Wid der liddle duckie feetzies!
7:50:18 AM Nastinchka: ...I just threw up in my mouth.

Or this. It's somebody's mascot. Mich State?
12:03:58 PM Nastinchka: THe face is strangely...flat.
12:04:03 PM Nastinchka: Like, remember Super Mario 2?
12:04:13 PM Nastinchka: You know that mask thing that chases you when you go down in the caves?
12:04:16 PM Nastinchka: He looks like that.
12:04:21 PM Swindle: Very good
12:05:05 PM Swindle: You know that's a utilikilt
12:05:18 PM Nastinchka: .....I was so happy that that had escaped me.
12:05:30 PM Swindle: Until now

1:53:11 PM Swindle: http://www.firecoachnicksaban.com/
1:53:15 PM Swindle: Put up on Sunday
1:53:21 PM Nastinchka: It Begins. [gong]
1:53:55 PM Swindle: MORTAL KOMBAAAAAT!!!
1:54:12 PM Swindle: duh duh duh duh duh duh duh duh dint duh
1:54:21 PM Swindle: (repeat until WOOO!)
1:54:37 PM Nastinchka: I wonder if the Utah Saints would record a theme song for him.
1:54:41 PM Nastinchka: They can't be busy.

8:29:07 PM Nastinchka: Tomorrow's headline:
8:29:14 PM Nastinchka: HOLY FUCKING SHIT MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOOON
8:29:47 PM Swindle: A meh day that went mutant on us all
8:29:59 PM Nastinchka: Seriously, I almost went to the movies all day
8:30:15 PM Swindle: you chose wisely
8:30:17 PM Nastinchka: lesson lernt.
8:33:35 PM Nastinchka: I cannot process Jesse Palmer in this gig.
8:33:43 PM Nastinchka: I just see a blinking error message when I look at the screen.
8:33:58 PM Swindle: He speaks, but the words dont' register

8:38:19 PM Nastinchka: YOU JUST MISSED YOUR SHOUTOUT
8:38:57 PM Swindle: No shit
8:39:02 PM Nastinchka: SvP: "Notre Dame, beaten down by the briefcase of broken dreams and unsold brushes..."
8:39:04 PM Nastinchka: Hand to god.
8:39:17 PM Swindle: Oh, Scott.
8:39:21 PM Swindle: You made us love you
8:40:03 PM Swindle: We're so happy we could fall asleep in a snowbank!

8:36:30 PM Swindle: Explaining why SC and LSU are the best teams in the SEC
8:36:38 PM Swindle: They dislike yards gained on them.
8:36:45 PM Swindle: Everyone else eats them like skittles
8:36:52 PM Swindle: MMM YUM YUM SKITTLES

8:17:48 PM Nastinchka: Rich Brooks honest to god just mouthed something that looked JUST LIKE "off my lawn".
8:18:04 PM Swindle: Did he do a magic trick?
8:18:18 PM Nastinchka: Expelligamecocks!

7:41:03 PM Swindle: NO
7:41:11 PM Swindle: Lamarcus Coker gone?
7:41:14 PM Nastinchka: That's what Daddy says
7:41:17 PM Nastinchka: Indefinite suspension.
7:42:03 PM Nastinchka: No details.
7:43:42 PM Nastinchka: Is it wrong to hope that it's coke, just to cut through the "too bad it's not coke" jokes that will be made otherwise?
7:43:55 PM Swindle: No.
7:44:00 PM Swindle: Nothing is wrong in this situation for a fan.
7:44:17 PM Nastinchka: It's OK, we can TOTALLY AFFORD TO LOSE A TAILBACK.

8:59:04 PM Swindle: Put on mah Cocks hat and roll wit it, brah.
8:59:17 PM Nastinchka: They'd never say "wit".
8:59:27 PM Swindle: They might. In an affected way.
8:59:52 PM Nastinchka: Where "affected" implies "insistently and consciously racist", then yes.
9:00:06 PM Swindle: WIT-tuh-tuh-tuh
9:00:08 PM Nastinchka: I'm from the STREETS.
9:00:17 PM Nastinchka: The white, well-lit, freshly paved streets, brah.

12:53:43 PM Nastinchka: Teddy Ginn is returning Punts for Miami. I thought you were supposed to be fast.
12:54:52 PM Swindle: Only fast when chasing bratwursts.
12:55:41 PM Nastinchka: Lottery tickets.

1:59:14 PM Nastinchka: Have you checked? Is hell riding with you?
1:59:29 PM Swindle: No. But a burly art major named Jorge from Miami is.
1:59:44 PM Swindle: And his continued unemployment fuels all the rage we need.

8:04:21 AM Nastinchka: What happened?
8:05:08 AM Swindle: Holtz rant
8:05:16 AM Swindle: Last Saturday's College Football Final.
8:05:30 AM Swindle: they were actually debating how many men it takes to put someone in a straightjacket

6:20:02 PM Nastinchka: We went with The Arkansas State Hot Springs Yes We Have Hot Springs Here Fucks
6:19:46 PM Swindle: Ah!
6:19:49 PM Swindle: The hot springs
6:19:57 PM Swindle: America's least safe mascot
6:20:19 PM Swindle: A brown rock that spurts 200 degree water
6:20:38 PM Swindle: And here comes the spring AAAAIIIIIGGHHHH

7:07:50 AM Nastinchka: OH, that cat haaates him.
7:08:11 AM Nastinchka: Well, like the tiger probably does.
7:08:48 AM Swindle: The tiger just thinks one thing
7:08:53 AM Nastinchka: CAndy!
7:08:54 AM Swindle: "KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL"
7:09:03 AM Swindle: "NAP"

8:12:05 PM Swindle: Don't let me forget to work that into a post about the Colquitt family
8:12:22 PM Nastinchka: Are you going to have a pic of a laboratory?
8:12:28 PM Nastinchka: Pronounced laBORatory?
8:12:53 PM Swindle: And robots pronounced ROE-bits.
8:12:55 PM Nastinchka: Colquitts Aren't Born. They're Grown (patent pending)

12:26:15 PM Swindle: I warn you: the loss of your coach will end your youth.
12:26:26 PM Nastinchka: I know. I'm not looking forward to it, at all.
12:26:50 PM Nastinchka: I don't know a world where I have bad feelings about John Chavis. This is so foreign to me, to feel uneasy when our defense takes the field.
12:27:03 PM Nastinchka: Like, my whole life, this has never, ever happened.
12:27:09 PM Nastinchka: Does not compute.
12:27:44 PM Swindle: I had Bill Clinton and Steve Spurrier.
12:27:55 PM Swindle: And in a flash of two months, I had Zook and Bush.
12:28:03 PM Swindle: Sorrow doesn't count it.
12:28:07 PM Nastinchka: Sigh.
12:28:19 PM Swindle: I mean that. It ended youth.
12:28:21 PM Swindle: Done.
12:28:31 PM Swindle: You're old, and life rides on your shoulders. Congrats.
12:28:38 PM Nastinchka: I don't doubt, though I'm sure I don't get it yet.
12:29:30 PM Swindle: I still don't fully get it.
12:30:01 PM Nastinchka: Must be weird, with him back in the SEC. Like seeing your dad around town with his new wife and kids.
12:34:13 PM Swindle: I'm afraid I can never take the blood completely out of the story.
12:34:20 PM Swindle: Because blood makes the grass grow.
12:34:48 PM Swindle: [head butt]
12:34:53 PM Swindle: BOOM MOTHERFUCKER!
12:34:56 PM Nastinchka: I do feel better!
12:35:00 PM Swindle: See!
12:35:04 PM Swindle: You ain't hurt!
12:35:10 PM Nastinchka: rub some dirt on it.

1:20:38 PM Swindle: I just wrote that Brandon Cox might miss the Florida game due to heavy menstrual bleeding.
1:20:49 PM Swindle: I think I'll just back away from the pc for a while.
1:21:27 PM Nastinchka: I'm Photoshopping a tiny Auburn cap onto the head of that critter that bursts out of the guy's chest in Alien. Think I'm in too deep?
1:22:07 PM Swindle: No. You see the bats, too, right?

"Tea can do many things, Jane, but it can't bring back the dead."

Fun Sunday night activity: Watch Death at a Funeral pretending that Matthew Macfadyen and Keeley Hawes are playing their characters from Spooks and that at any minute a houseguest will have their face immersed in a working deep fryer. The jaunty soundtrack is the perfect accompaniment to this reverie.

Five things that surprised me about Tropic Thunder:

• I don't remember a single line, just the hysterical braying of everyone around me.
• I didn't know going in that John Toll shot this, which for me was the best joke of all.
• The use of "For What It's Worth". At the opening shot, it maybe wouldn't have worked, but they waited about 2/3 of the movie and it totally got me.
• I emerged from this film with absolutely no remaining ill will towards Tom Cruise.
• I have never seen an entire movie audience convulse in perfect unison like that.

Laff Riot 87: Don't think of it as, "Ow, I'm dying!"...Think of it as, "This shallow grave sure is comfy!"

6:46:52 PM PB: (And yes, I believe that stuff matters. I feel like a choker. You've gotta stay pessimistic, skeptical, and on the edge of your seat until the game is OVER. What a rookie mistake. Sorry darlin - I let up 'cause it wasn't "my" team. No excuse.)
6:47:20 PM Nastinchka: (I think it matters too but I am trying not to put it on you, so LET ME.)
6:47:43 PM PB: Sure thing. Just gotta purge. Apologies. (And done.)
6:48:23 PM Nastinchka: Accepted. (I will now cry and drink myself to sleep.)

9:33:54 AM Swindle: Going to LSU this weekend, too
9:34:01 AM Nastinchka: Jellus!
9:34:02 AM Swindle: Staying with Joshua.
9:34:11 AM Swindle: Hoping he's not an axe murderer
9:34:21 AM Swindle: Two of those in the same house is just trouble

9:26:18 AM Nastinchka: I made it approx. eight steps into work this morning before getting sucked into a Jimmy Clausen argument.
9:26:40 AM Nastinchka: I'm no longer worried about being fired. I am concerned I'll be arrested for battery before tomorrow night.
9:27:35 AM Swindle: What was the argument?
9:28:10 AM Nastinchka: Immaterial.
9:28:22 AM Nastinchka: He does/does not have what it takes, it wasn't even my argument, I just got lassoed.
9:30:56 AM Swindle: Jimmy Clausen already has bone spurs in his elbow.
9:31:06 AM Swindle: He won't have an o-line for two years.
9:31:10 AM Nastinchka: Are we sure they aren't wayward hair spikes?

8:38:30 PM Swindle: I just love anyone who's like
8:38:35 PM Swindle: "I'm hurt, dawg."
8:38:47 PM Swindle: Don't ask me if I'm alright.
8:39:00 PM Swindle: That's how I am for four hours every saturday
8:39:33 PM Nastinchka: I think I'm going to call in on Sunday and be entirely without vocal cords. That'll be fun for everyone.
8:39:42 PM Swindle: You have to call in
8:39:46 PM Swindle: Orson said dominate
8:39:52 PM Swindle: And you're not doin' it.
8:39:59 PM Swindle: YOU PUT YOUR HEART IN THIS SHIT
8:40:13 PM Nastinchka: I won't have the laptop, so I'll have to wing it, but I'll be there.
8:40:44 PM Swindle: Dominate, Holly
8:40:49 PM Swindle: Laptop or not.
8:40:52 PM Swindle: Dominate
8:40:54 PM Nastinchka: Yessir.
8:41:05 PM Swindle: I'm going to be talking like this for the next four days
8:41:21 PM Nastinchka: I am entirely understanding.
8:43:00 PM Swindle: This is the time when I actually start getting teary at highlight reels set to music.

9:22:32 PM Swindle: BTW, I am so rooting for y'all to de-ball Cal.
9:22:34 PM Swindle: Again.
9:22:36 PM Swindle: Please do this.
9:22:45 PM Nastinchka: Much obliged.
9:23:00 PM Nastinchka: I would like nothing better than to go out there and just maul them like we did last year.
9:24:21 PM Swindle: I quote Wes Mantooth.
9:24:28 PM Swindle: Straight murder their asses.
9:24:49 PM Nastinchka: You can't spell "felonious assault" without UT.
9:24:57 PM Swindle: Or "rout"

12:19:07 PM Nastinchka: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING.
12:19:15 PM Swindle: The Hilltopper
12:19:21 PM Swindle: He's the hilltopper
12:19:36 PM Swindle: He'll be riding a silver-dollar bicycle in your dreams tonight

6:44:12 PM PB: I just read that email again? And I get AN-gry.
6:48:36 PM PB: Totally. I'm gonna join the orange slice soccer party too. No names.

7:55:31 PM Swindle: I'm fucking with you.
7:55:41 PM Nastinchka: I hate you.
7:55:47 PM Nastinchka: In the face.
7:56:02 PM Nastinchka: And in the football team.

7:48:10 AM Nastinchka: Found it
7:48:12 AM Nastinchka: "Clausen, now working with the Poms and Associates Commercial Insurance Company in Woodland Hills, Calif"
7:49:15 AM Swindle: Underthrowing sales pitches left and right
7:49:23 AM Nastinchka: Oh, there's a MONEY quote
7:49:36 AM Nastinchka: "Clausen says as the years go by he appreciates his UT career more"
7:49:42 AM Nastinchka: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. [scene]

8:17:16 AM Swindle: My balls would explode from that kind of Americanity
8:17:34 AM Nastinchka: Her exact words were "I want to kill myself and Lee Greenwood isn't even on yet"
8:17:43 AM Swindle: No way
8:17:54 AM Swindle: I'd go and assault the first person I thought didn't look American enough.
8:18:19 AM Swindle: "Pardon me sir, but that belt buckle is a might bit SMALL, DON'T YOU THINK???"
8:18:30 AM Swindle: PUNCH
8:18:34 AM Swindle: FUCK YEAH

7:55:52 AM Nastinchka: This "waking up while it's still dark to cheer for WFV" is some bullshit, main main.
7:56:15 AM Nastinchka: And completely at odds with the attendant moonshine consumption.

8:16:06 PM Swindle: Brandon Cox throws pick with man's ass in USF game
8:16:17 PM Nastinchka: Are they still winning?
8:16:32 PM Swindle: Yes, but on a sneak he bounced it off the center's ass for a turnover

8:06:32 PM Swindle: Ahm clearvoyant!
8:08:00 PM Swindle: Stafford's fat ass will decide this game
8:08:09 PM Nastinchka: I would love to hear that on the air.
8:08:20 PM Swindle: You want me on that mike
8:08:23 PM Swindle: You need me on that mike
8:08:27 PM Nastinchka: Indubitably.
8:08:45 PM Nastinchka: I want Jason Bateman's character from Dodgeball.
8:09:07 PM Swindle: Tripp Chandler is too white to even play for UGA
8:09:20 PM Nastinchka: He is named Tripp, where the fuck else can he go but Vandy?
8:09:32 PM Nastinchka: or Duke, i guess.
8:09:48 PM Swindle: Or just get an MBA and play intermurals like the rest of us
8:10:07 PM Swindle: have some fucking dignity, dude
8:10:17 PM Swindle: instead of clanking your team out of the game
8:10:22 PM Nastinchka: OH GOD
8:10:28 PM Nastinchka: RICHT JUST GAVE HIM THE FREDO CHEEK PINCH

8:17:49 PM Swindle: Who the fuck do I root for here?
8:17:54 PM Nastinchka: I don't know
8:18:03 PM Nastinchka: this is our meteor game
8:18:32 PM Nastinchka: I'm for Saban, because I'm all for ratcheting up the crazypants quotient in Tuscaloosa.
8:18:59 PM Swindle: He's the Benny Hinn of the SEC
8:19:02 PM Nastinchka: And there's nothing about Georgia I do not loathe, except for Mark Richt's skin care regimen.
8:19:27 PM Swindle: Richt's getting kind of skull-ey
8:19:39 PM Nastinchka: he is! You can see it around the temples.
8:20:22 PM Swindle: Like a car left out in the Florida sunshine for too long
8:20:27 PM Swindle: The sun is eating his flesh

5:32:00 PM Swindle: Watching the Brawndo crew that is SC cheer makes me ill
5:32:26 PM Swindle: PT Barnum made his fortune off these fuckers
5:32:32 PM Swindle: "This way to the egress!"
5:32:46 PM Swindle: Fume

10:11:42 PM PB: He's a fucking idiot with an attitude. In my country, the black helicopters come up over the horizon and shoot rockets at his car.
10:11:56 PM Nastinchka: That is the hottest thing you've ever said.
10:12:01 PM Nastinchka: (Sorry, it's Florida week.)
10:13:10 PM PB: I wasn't kidding about the black helicopters, either. I swear...

8:31:15 PM Swindle: Does Kyle Jackson control his ability to burst into flame?
8:31:28 PM Swindle: More Firestarter? Less Johnny Storm?
8:31:36 PM Nastinchka: I think it's done with a string pull, like a talking doll.
8:31:49 PM Nastinchka: But the thing is, anyone can pull it.
8:32:02 PM Swindle: Anyone not wearing a Florida uniform

12:55:59 PM Nastinchka: this whole season is bat country
12:56:02 PM Nastinchka: what the hell is happening
12:56:35 PM Swindle: The salt shaker in the glove box
12:56:38 PM Swindle: Use it
12:56:53 PM Nastinchka: I've got the spins, Mav
12:58:25 PM Swindle: My god
12:58:40 PM Swindle: Don't shake hands with the O
12:58:46 PM Swindle: Urb don't do it!

8:21:42 PM Swindle: BALLS
8:21:44 PM Nastinchka: WHOA.
8:22:06 PM Swindle: THEYJUST BEATTHE HELLOUTTAYOU
8:22:29 PM Swindle: Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer
8:22:37 PM Nastinchka: His eyes are receding, too
8:22:39 PM Swindle: Give a steak to Matthew stafford
8:22:46 PM Nastinchka: that doesn't even rhyme.
8:22:56 PM Swindle: Slant rhyme.
8:23:04 PM Swindle: Emily Dickinson, bitch
8:23:12 PM Nastinchka: Who?

8:36:43 PM Swindle: I have a weakness for safeties.
8:37:36 PM Swindle: Like Ed Reed.
8:37:37 PM Nastinchka: So do our receivers.

11:08:19 PM Nastinchka: I am so sorrry. That was a horrorshow.
11:08:34 PM Swindle: I hate they way auburn plays football
11:08:42 PM Swindle: HATE
11:09:24 PM Nastinchka: You're in good company as far as losing today. Is Mercury in retrograde?
11:09:50 PM Swindle: No. It bugged the fuck out and is hurtling toward Alpha Centauri

1:50:21 PM Swindle: I just forgot how much losing sucks, even as a fan.
1:50:28 PM Swindle: perhaps it's a good thing.
1:50:44 PM Swindle: (Stares bleakly at burned-down house, up at empty sky.)

1:04:52 PM Swindle: Drunk the next day
1:04:59 PM Swindle: It's like having typhus

3:06:32 PM Swindle: Do you like the term "butterdammerung" to describe the sense of doom surrounding late-term Fulmer?
3:10:16 PM Swindle: i was this close to "fritterdammerung."
3:10:34 PM Nastinchka: Or "bisquickstrang"

12:35:28 PM Swindle: Fuck 'em.
12:35:33 PM Swindle: They're a big retard.
12:35:39 PM Swindle: Big, hardheaded retard.
12:35:53 PM Nastinchka: M-O-O-N, that spells War Eagle. Laws, yes.

2:21:19 PM Swindle: I love the pitchfork and torches crowd.
2:21:24 PM Swindle: They keep society going.
2:21:46 PM Swindle: Mostly by justifying the existence of a large, standing police force.

LOLympics

KREMER: "How did you all accomplish this win? Your thoughts?"
LEZAK: "I dunno, that hurt really bad."

Laff Riot 86: Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, and unquenchable bloodlust.

All-EDSBS Saturday Smack edition

7:53:50 PM Nastinchka: I need your help
7:54:04 PM Swindle: I have the phone number to Brandon Cox's vagina
7:54:08 PM Nastinchka: Gross. I can't make the show tomorrow but I need you to tell your listeners
7:54:12 PM Nastinchka: that Georgia fans have fat ankles.
7:54:38 PM Nastinchka: I have been drinking for eleven hours but i know this is serious. You have to let people know.
7:54:41 PM Nastinchka: I say this
7:54:54 PM Swindle: It's not true. Is that important?
7:55:01 PM Nastinchka: yes.because I was VERBALLY ASSAULTED on the streets of Tuscaloosa
7:55:16 PM Nastinchka: by this refrigerator-shaped, becankled bitch
7:55:23 PM Nastinchka: while I had a BABY on my hip
7:55:33 PM Nastinchka: the next ten minutes are a blur and there's blood on my dress.
7:55:50 PM Swindle: And she mouth-vomited what phrases upon you?
7:56:06 PM Nastinchka: "Well, NOW I feel LAWTS better about playing YEW! Haw haw haw!"
7:56:12 PM Nastinchka: to which I responded
7:56:15 PM Nastinchka: (not verbatim)
7:56:25 PM Nastinchka: that she had lots to recommend feeling better
7:56:27 PM Nastinchka: like
7:56:31 PM Nastinchka: her cankles
7:56:36 PM Nastinchka: her dark roots
7:56:44 PM Nastinchka: and the fact that her team just lost to motherfcking Vanderbilt.
7:56:59 PM Nastinchka: 4 inch heels are a valued early warning system
7:57:07 PM Nastinchka: if we can still walk straight? DO NOT APPROACH.

3:35:08 PM Swindle: Nutt versus Miles.
3:35:17 PM Swindle: It's the retard slap fight of coaching
3:35:23 PM Nastinchka: No dawn for cognoscenti.
3:35:39 PM Swindle: Shame on you, Arkansas
3:35:54 PM Nastinchka: can't tackle Flynn, you don't deserve to beat them.
3:37:12 PM Swindle: Reggie Herring is fool
3:37:30 PM Swindle: He deserves no indefinite article

9:26:55 AM Swindle: da coacho gotta da pinkslip
9:37:34 AM Nastinchka: I miss ever'thang! When?
9:38:41 AM Swindle: This a.m.
9:38:53 AM Swindle: So fucking sad
9:38:58 AM Nastinchka: We are all poorer for this.
9:39:04 AM Swindle: HE WOKKA SO HARDAFODAREBBAH
9:39:26 AM Swindle: He catcahmany tastaycrittah fodacoaches
9:39:38 AM Nastinchka: DACOACHO, HIMHITTN DUSTYTRAYL [insert graphic of Coach O with hobo sack on his back]

8:27:29 PM Nastinchka: God, sit him down already, hasn't he earned it?
8:28:04 PM Swindle: He wants some milk,
8:28:09 PM Swindle: and a prayer
8:30:14 PM Nastinchka: perhaps a milk BATH

10:38:26 AM Nastinchka: Nutt's posture at this moment reminds me of Amanda in Glass Menagerie.
10:39:20 AM Swindle: Oh, heavens!
10:39:33 AM Nastinchka: linesman = gentleman caller
10:39:39 AM Swindle: Tennessee's gameplanned very, very well for them defensively
10:39:53 AM Nastinchka: No one is more surprised than we are.
10:59:01 AM Nastinchka: They're just ...flaiiling.
10:59:06 AM Nastinchka: 20-3 UT
10:59:15 AM Swindle: He's an idiot
10:59:16 AM Nastinchka: it's kinda unnerving
10:59:43 AM Swindle: Like you're waiting for DMac to bust a TD that counts for 18 points
10:59:53 AM Nastinchka: Somehow, yes.
11:27:59 AM Swindle: Arkansas' hopeless
11:28:02 AM Swindle: they're like half a team
11:28:37 AM Swindle: The quantum team. They're capable of evaporating at any moment
11:28:58 AM Swindle: POOF! Exists. POOF! no exist

12:47:38 PM Swindle: Verne just referenced Lewis Grizzard
12:48:01 PM Nastinchka: THe only thing left to do is for them to cut to him in the booth in a bucket hat.
12:49:05 PM Nastinchka: ...are they drunk?
12:49:34 PM Swindle: No more so than usual
12:49:53 PM Nastinchka: he is one of the great American chortlers.

8:24:29 PM Swindle: The team right now is really, really raw
8:24:37 PM Swindle: Emotionally. Physically.
8:24:48 PM Swindle: Two games, seven points total, two losses
8:25:21 PM Nastinchka: Not to slip into coachspeak, but The Pieces Are There. next couple years should be rrrreal interesting.
8:26:19 PM Swindle: This is the initiation rite
8:26:27 PM Swindle: Pain. Suffering. Embarrassment
8:26:35 PM Nastinchka: This is the dead man's helmet.

1:37:57 PM Swindle: Oh, god damn you to hell, Auburn
1:38:25 PM Swindle: Stupidest fucking assfucking shitbag team I've ever seen.
1:39:02 PM Swindle: Goddamn pistolfisting cockhammer popesmoking rapist-pissing Auburn

5:36:29 PM Swindle: WVU 14, UL 0
5:36:34 PM Swindle: end of 1st
5:36:45 PM Swindle: Brohm threw into quadruple coverage
5:37:04 PM Swindle: No lie. I counted and everything
5:37:16 PM Nastinchka: Well, that does suit him for the Falcons.
5:37:30 PM Swindle: Too nimble.
5:37:37 PM Swindle: We'll have to hobble him
5:38:02 PM Swindle: nail a good pair of Leftwich lead-soled drop weejuns on him

8:46:13 AM Swindle: BTW--has peter told you where gameday is this week?
8:46:34 AM Nastinchka: ....no....
8:46:50 AM Swindle: Williams versus Amherst.
8:46:56 AM Nastinchka: STFU
8:47:06 AM Swindle: America's "Biggest Little Game."
8:47:08 AM Swindle: D-3
8:47:14 AM Nastinchka: How....adorable?
8:47:20 AM Swindle: quirky?
8:47:23 AM Swindle: COLD?
8:47:33 AM Nastinchka: Like when the Special Ed class gets to join the regular kids for Christmas musical
8:47:59 AM Swindle: Anything I have to say in response to that comment sends me deeper into hell.
8:48:08 AM Nastinchka: Understood.
8:48:16 AM Swindle: ALLL iss rbBBRRAAIIIIGGGHHTTT
8:48:20 AM Swindle: HRRRRNNNGGGHHH!!!
8:48:46 AM Nastinchka: They're not Goat Boy!

6:50:13 PM Swindle: BTW--did you see Ram Vela sack Sharpley on 4th down in the ND game?
6:50:18 PM Swindle: He fucking TOOK OFF
6:50:57 PM Swindle: A commenter put it best.
6:51:06 PM Swindle: "Ram Vela supermanned that ho."
6:51:51 PM Nastinchka: Souljah Boy is the Kevin Bacon of This Thing is Like That Other Thing humor.
6:52:01 PM Nastinchka: 6 degrees of Souljah Boy.
6:52:28 PM Swindle: I can take Satyricon to souljah boy
6:52:39 PM Swindle: I don't know how, but I can.

6:54:07 PM Swindle: Arizona State not totally dead yet
6:54:10 PM Swindle: But mostly dead
6:54:27 PM Nastinchka: I'm digging through their pockets for loose change.
6:54:46 PM Nastinchka: And it might be the reflection from the shirt, but I think Erickson is wearing crimson-tinted glasses, and looks terrifying.
6:55:11 PM Swindle: You can smell the Drakkar from here, can't you?
6:55:36 PM Swindle: I bet his skin feels like parchment and smells like a racetrack lobby.
6:55:38 PM Nastinchka: And warmed over lo mein.

8:59:13 AM Nastinchka: You know what will really make this year complete in misery?
8:59:25 AM Nastinchka: We won the Georgia game, so there goes that trifecta
8:59:37 AM Nastinchka: but to lose to Florida, Alabama, then Spurrier on ESPN in primetime.
8:59:41 AM Nastinchka: That'll about do it.
8:59:55 AM Swindle: Life is suffering.
9:00:08 AM Swindle: Or Life is Michigan.
9:00:12 AM Swindle: Either one

9:06:05 AM Swindle: WOOOOOOOOO MAN WITH RIFLE!
9:07:12 AM Nastinchka: those unis look yeeeeeevil.
9:07:39 AM Swindle: I want Brian Blessed to drag the knight off the horse and beat him to death with a mace
9:08:19 AM Nastinchka: It's 70 degrees and raining. I want the student section to remove their ponchos and shirts. Man up, reprobates.
9:08:31 AM Nastinchka: they're all bundled up! how twee.
9:08:50 AM Swindle: "they're late getting here due to the rain."
9:08:53 AM Swindle: ...
9:09:03 AM Nastinchka: What, did they have to build a bridge?
9:09:22 AM Swindle: The ferryman was hung over
9:12:01 AM Nastinchka: Jeez, Bonnie, you didn't have to dress up for me.

9:41:45 AM Nastinchka: OK, ray Rice's mom is adorable.
9:41:59 AM Swindle: Or ready to fuck some shit up.
9:42:00 AM Nastinchka: She's a perfect sphere!
9:42:05 AM Nastinchka: That's not adorable?
9:42:34 AM Swindle: Depends. Is she a perfect sphere carrying a bottle of gin and a knife?
9:42:36 AM Swindle: Then, yes.

9:57:24 AM Nastinchka: It's WFV. Mud is their natural habitat.
9:57:28 AM Nastinchka: Neutral field.
9:57:49 AM Swindle: If they threw some tire axles and coal slag out there it would be unfair.

10:57:57 AM Nastinchka: I'm profoundly disappointed that Maguire is in the booth.
10:58:07 AM Nastinchka: Wouldn't you love to see him out on his perch in a fisherman's slicker?
10:58:38 AM Swindle: shaking a fist at god
10:59:01 AM Nastinchka: You know he'd have an actual rod up there.
10:59:07 AM Nastinchka: "Hey, pretty lady" [lacerates pom girl with actual hook]
10:59:27 AM Swindle: ahoy!
10:59:54 AM Nastinchka: bucket full of Cutty Sark

11:01:31 AM Nastinchka: Poor Holly. It's not her fault ESPN can't hire a wardrobe person who doesn't hate her.
11:01:54 AM Swindle: "Here, let's cover you with this tarp..."
11:02:10 AM Nastinchka: She always looks like ass, and she's totally cute. They have people who are paid to dress her.
11:02:36 AM Swindle: Paid to dress her in tarps
11:03:27 AM Nastinchka: Also would've been fitting for a wfv game.
11:03:53 AM Nastinchka: It's a tarp-based ecosystem.

2:12:31 PM Swindle: Tennessee's d got away with dumb by being huge up front.
2:13:12 PM Nastinchka: Still trying to pinpoint where we turned the corner to being a team that has to score points to make up for the D.
2:13:26 PM Nastinchka: Or turned 3 corners. UTurn.
2:13:42 PM Swindle: When you lost the ability to recruit linemen.
2:13:49 PM Swindle: Not sure when that was.
2:13:51 PM Nastinchka: We're getting hammered on instate.
2:14:19 PM Nastinchka: It doesn't get talked about a lot, which baffles me, but that's at least three or four years of story.
2:14:52 PM Swindle: It's approach, I think
2:15:05 PM Swindle: Fulmer: slug slug slug slug
2:15:13 PM Swindle: Other coaches: Ninja!
2:15:21 PM Nastinchka: Ewwwww, orange cream slime trails on my porch!

8:26:08 PM Swindle: Did you stay to get rhythmically taunted?
8:26:15 PM Nastinchka: I don't leave games, ever.
8:26:21 PM Nastinchka: But oh, my, I wanted to today.
8:26:28 PM Swindle: I've left one.
8:26:40 PM Swindle: I admit it. But I'm ashamed.
8:26:46 PM Nastinchka: story!
8:26:52 PM Swindle: Last year, Auburn.
8:27:10 PM Swindle: I'm in the tail end of my four year rocky road flavored relationship with Chris Leak.
8:27:29 PM Swindle: And he throws the weakest post route to Caldwell off his backfoot for a pick
8:27:32 PM Nastinchka: which part of him are the almonds?
8:27:38 PM Nastinchka: probably that.
8:28:03 PM Swindle: I can't take that or a NC ring away from him.
8:28:14 PM Swindle: I could take candy from him, though--he's not really bright.
8:28:22 PM Nastinchka: One gathers.
8:28:39 PM Swindle: "Chris! Look! Quentin Groves is over there shitting on a raging fire!"
8:28:45 PM Swindle: (Run, take candy.)

8:40:41 PM Swindle: Watch these receivers. They're getting crowbarred out there
8:40:55 PM Nastinchka: and yet, passes are completed. up is down.
8:41:01 PM Nastinchka: down is sideways.

1:56:28 PM Nastinchka: Can I get a what the fuck for the lack of televising My Game?
1:57:11 PM Swindle: what the fuck!
1:57:17 PM Nastinchka: Amen.
1:57:21 PM Swindle: I can call you and put the phone next to my television
1:57:52 PM Nastinchka: GC actually did that for me for the Southern Miss game.
1:58:05 PM Nastinchka: I'll be there. I'm just thinking of the deprived public.
1:58:25 PM Swindle: That's altruistic of you.
1:58:44 PM Swindle: You're like the Mother Theresa of tailgaters
1:58:59 PM Nastinchka: With better skin.
1:59:06 PM Swindle: catty!

1:47:40 PM Swindle: Shame. I love Buzz.
1:48:35 PM Swindle: he wears hi-tops!
1:48:38 PM Swindle: He jumps from planes!
1:48:47 PM Swindle: He has compound eyes!
1:49:37 PM Swindle: He's totally student-manufactured, too.
1:49:48 PM Swindle: a guy just ran out on the field one day in that outfit.
1:49:57 PM Nastinchka: Makes sense.
1:49:58 PM Swindle: This will not surprise you
1:50:02 PM Swindle: It was to impress a girl
1:50:09 PM Nastinchka: I hope it worked.
1:50:51 PM Swindle: they're still married
1:53:17 PM Swindle: At my graduation from Tech, we were ushered through the bowels of the basketball arena
1:53:26 PM Swindle: Dark, lots of pipes.
1:53:42 PM Nastinchka: Red Team/Blue Team?
1:53:42 PM Swindle: Turning a corner in the nastiest spot, we saw Buzz
1:53:58 PM Swindle: I had a gravity hammer and three sticky grenades
1:54:23 PM Swindle: Buzz chose the worst place in the world, where no one could see him, to jump out and congratulate you.
1:54:37 PM Nastinchka: Awesome
1:55:04 PM Swindle: This, for some reason, is very, very Georgia Tech.

12:43:04 PM Swindle: My god, Notre Dame people are deluded.
12:43:09 PM Swindle: they voted for nader
12:45:43 PM Swindle: They purchase insurance for rental cars.
12:47:28 PM Nastinchka: (So what have they gone and done now?)
12:47:38 PM Swindle: http://www.ndnation.com/geetar/2007/10/r-word.html
12:47:46 PM Swindle: http://media.www.ndsmcobserver.com/media/storage/paper660/news/2007/10/09/Viewpoint/Dont-Storm.The.Field-3020178.shtml
12:48:52 PM Nastinchka: Oh, for fuck's aKW.
12:49:09 PM Nastinchka: (That was an indignant seizure.)
12:49:31 PM Swindle: Dum dah dum dah dum dah dum dah dum...
12:49:37 PM Nastinchka: I want to comment
12:49:38 PM Swindle: TRA-DISH-UN!
12:49:49 PM Nastinchka: and remark that this is why the Catholic Church can't sustain growth.
12:56:30 PM Nastinchka: seen Cry-Baby? This guy is the lead Wiffle.
12:56:45 PM Nastinchka: We're proud to be squares!
12:56:51 PM Swindle: Electricity killed my daddy!

8:16:28 PM Swindle: Everyone at BR was crankin' dat
8:16:46 PM Swindle: In between stuffing me with butter nuggets and calling me faggot.
8:17:01 PM Nastinchka: bless their hearts, that's just how they show affection.
8:17:11 PM Swindle: Savage, wonderful people.
8:17:30 PM Swindle: I heart the fightin' welfare states
8:18:34 PM Swindle: In one weekend, I beat Halo 3, ate half a fried turkey, and survived a game at Tiger Stadium
8:18:48 PM Swindle: Kanye, I have the good life

oh, and

This also means I'll miss all tomorrow night's Olympic coverage, but WHO CARES, because if the results aren't being spoiled for West Coast viewers by hosts of such completely unrelated programs as Baseball Tonight and an NFL preseason game, they're being spoiled by the exasperatingly enthusiastic East-and-Central timers in my Twitter feed. (Hurrah, you're excited. Can you stick with a "Whee!" and dispense with the "OMGZ I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS PERSON WON THIS RACE BY THIS MUCH"? You are not a news organization, Twits. Shut it.) Way to avoid the tape delay backlash of Sydney by airing live sporting events to half the country at a time. Good show.

pssst, catch me

If you saw Julieanne's last showcase in March? We're still playing with that Tempest thing. Workshopping it again in San Diego tonight (Saturday); come see. Also, there's twelve onstage by the end of the show and Julieanne moved the last song to the prologue because everyone kept weeping but then replaced it with one EVEN HARDER, and as of midnight Friday no one has gotten through the new last song without dissolving into histrionic tears, so it ought to get rrrreal interesting out there tonight.

Laff Riot 85: We never said the roses wouldn't be fertilized with your flesh.

8:39:16 PM Nastinchka: OH JESUS TIGERS CAN SWIM
8:39:28 PM Nastinchka: I FLIPPED BACK TO ESPN AND THAT TIGER WAS IN A POOL
8:39:33 PM Nastinchka: Nowhere is safe.
8:39:46 PM Nastinchka: That's the second time that's happened to me today and it's terrifying.
8:40:11 PM Swindle: Fortunately, Cajuns surround him.
8:40:31 PM Swindle: I trust Cajuns to both fight him off successfuly and be the tastiest human prey around.

5:41:01 PM PB: After the sixth request for pictures of cheerleaders to make people feel better, I acquiesced
5:41:09 PM Nastinchka: You're a giver.
5:41:23 PM Nastinchka: I've racked up two marriage proposals in this thread. Time to make a graceful exit.

9:42:43 AM Nastinchka: I think I'm experiencing survivor's guilt over our byeweek.
9:43:00 AM Nastinchka: Just staring at that map and muttering, "It could have been us."
9:43:31 AM Nastinchka: It does seem as though more than half of the teams that played lost.

10:32:02 PM Swindle: Watch it a few times.
10:32:09 PM Swindle: It just gets funnier and funnier.
10:32:15 PM Nastinchka: I think he's being sexed through his earpiece.
10:32:22 PM Nastinchka: By an offscreen PA.
10:33:00 PM Swindle: Or he's protesting not being given candy.
10:33:05 PM Swindle: "I was promised candy."
10:33:19 PM Nastinchka: Or his jaws are stuck shut with delicious taffy.
10:34:18 PM Swindle: Writing on tablet
10:34:29 PM Swindle: "Trying to hold goldfish in mouth for five minutes on dare."
10:34:37 PM Swindle: "Don't fuck this up for me."
10:37:01 PM Swindle: Nat is still cracking me up
10:37:12 PM Nastinchka: SOMETHING is happening off camera.
10:37:15 PM Nastinchka: Perhaps a clown.
10:37:28 PM Swindle: A grip is doing the whirlybird
10:39:52 PM Nastinchka: Percy himself is standing just out of sightline, mouthing I'M COMING FOR YOU.
10:40:06 PM Swindle: Maybe he's on acid
10:40:09 PM Swindle: Really good acid
10:40:20 PM Nastinchka: "I can see through time!"
10:40:23 PM Swindle: Or thinking about ass.
10:40:38 PM Swindle: "Oh, you gotta spank the football..."
10:40:41 PM Swindle: "Nat?"
10:40:48 PM Nastinchka: Nat, wake up!
10:40:50 PM Nastinchka: Time for school!
10:40:55 PM Nastinchka: IT'S A DREAM BALLET.

8:12:03 PM Nastinchka: ONE OF THE ANNOUNCERS JUST REFERRED TO KENTUCKY AS "ROCKY TOP".
8:12:09 PM Nastinchka: [HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS]
8:12:29 PM PB: BOOO
8:12:41 PM Nastinchka: Seriously, my head just spun around 360 degrees.
8:14:11 PM PB: That's a neat trick

4:59:41 PM 'Box: oh. I hadn't seen this since you changed the bottom pic.
5:00:02 PM 'Box: that's not less creepy
5:00:12 PM Nastinchka: No, but it's demonstrably cuter.
5:00:16 PM 'Box: true

6:01:55 PM Nastinchka: I can never call EDSBS Live again I get on the radio
6:02:29 PM Nastinchka: and I held it in for like five seconds
6:02:38 PM Nastinchka: and then I was like AAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU LOST TO AUBURN
6:02:44 PM Nastinchka: and I laughed for like a minute straight
6:03:05 PM Nastinchka: and I could hear PB trying to jump in
6:03:17 PM Nastinchka: and Spencer was all quietly, "No, let her laugh. let her laugh."
8:41:45 PM Swindle: There are 3200 USF fans in Auburn.
8:42:01 PM Swindle: All of them look like they drank too much jager and passed out on the surface of the sun

10:32:57 AM PB: Miami about to score
10:33:01 AM PB: Just converted a fake FG
10:33:08 AM Nastinchka: Janie: "We just successfully faked something!"

7:19:57 PM Barstoolio: (Also, can we capitalize Orange Bowl? I'm not a savage, after all.)
7:20:32 PM Barstoolio: (I have a reputation to uphold, Holly.)
7:20:45 PM Nastinchka: (I never change typos, Janie. Keeps it GRITTY
7:20:53 PM Nastinchka: But yes, in this case it is important
7:20:56 PM Nastinchka: to know that it is a stadium
7:20:59 PM Nastinchka: and not tableware.
7:21:17 PM Barstoolio: I would do him on a dining room table, but yes...it's footbaw.

8:16:50 PM Swindle: HOLY FRANCOIS MITERRAND'S LAST MEAL
8:17:00 PM Swindle: Ryan Perriloux is fucking reckless
8:17:05 PM Swindle: He is the singularity
8:17:23 PM Swindle: Just threw with--no fucking shit--four men in his face
8:17:38 PM Swindle: Almost picked. Wideout saved the day by tackling the db.
8:17:45 PM Swindle: Fifty yards threw the air.
8:18:04 PM Swindle: Rohan Davey, you have a contender for my LSU love
8:18:18 PM Swindle: And he has a gambling problem, and is named Perriloux.
2:57:58 PM PB: I'd so rather have you call this than Jim "I always think I'm at Amen's Corner" Nantz
2:58:21 PM Nastinchka: seriously.

8:07:03 PM Swindle: Meant to ask you: Prevailing winds regarding Grand Cheetoro after the game?
8:07:27 PM Nastinchka: hard to tell with key injuries
8:07:51 PM Nastinchka: Now that Kentucky and SC are not terrible, winning those gams would mean more than it used to
8:07:58 PM Nastinchka: also games
8:08:02 PM Nastinchka: he would like to win gams
8:08:04 PM Nastinchka: chicken gams
8:08:11 PM Swindle: Batterfried chicken gams
8:08:17 PM Swindle: In a pie
8:08:22 PM Swindle: boneless pie form
8:08:26 PM Nastinchka: He is a master of the gamplan
8:08:46 PM Swindle: He puts his opponents under great pressure
8:09:00 PM Swindle: Like the pressure of a chik-fil-a pressure cooker

1:58:40 PM Nastinchka: um
1:58:53 PM Nastinchka: one of the ULL defenders ripped off one of our guy's helmets
1:58:55 PM Nastinchka: and THREW IT
1:58:58 PM Nastinchka: and HIT A LINESMAN
1:58:59 PM PB: Wha?
1:59:02 PM Nastinchka: and didn't get a call
1:59:04 PM PB: WHA WHA?
1:59:05 PM Nastinchka: NO PENALTY
1:59:18 PM PB: Yikes
1:59:28 PM Nastinchka: wtfing fuck

10:36:46 AM Nastinchka: I was so looking forward to walking into Death Valley in a Tennessee hoodie.
10:38:17 AM Swindle: I'll be there in seersucker. Covered in mustard and brown liquor.
10:38:54 AM Nastinchka: The HLP had her heart set on jeans, a bikini top and a coonskin hat, but she can do that at Georgia-Florida, I suppose.

4:10:26 PM Nastinchka: Matt Flynn has been intercepted three times in the half...
4:10:44 PM Nastinchka: ...and John Parker WIlson has only completed five passes, two of which have gone for touchdowns.
4:12:29 PM PB: What a fucking game
4:12:51 PM Nastinchka: of course, ABC didn't show a single second of it.

8:53:04 PM Nastinchka: "HE FOUND THE SOFT SPOT UNDERNEATH AND COX JUST LET HIM HAVE IT." That goes in the pantheon.
8:53:36 PM Swindle: he's a veiny triumphant bastard

12:15:00 PM Nastinchka: Livia is at the Clemson-Maryland game
12:15:11 PM Nastinchka: on the 45 yard line in the second row.
12:15:15 PM PB: Oh sweet
12:15:16 PM Nastinchka: So if you see Bowden staggering around the sideline with a comely young lady throttling him from behind....that's my girl.

8:45:59 PM Swindle: Jake Locker is unreal
8:46:08 PM Swindle: I think he's a black guy painted white
8:46:17 PM Swindle: Like the tiger in Beastmaster
8:46:24 PM Nastinchka: That should go in the media guide.
8:47:26 PM Swindle: Handjive war!

4:05:42 PM Nastinchka: I don't hate the Aggies. My Texas fandom is inherited. Sincere, but it doesn't dominate me.
4:05:49 PM Nastinchka: But I'm perfectly willing to loathe them on your behalf.
4:05:52 PM Nastinchka: Just because.
4:06:18 PM PB: Thanks. Please do
4:06:23 PM Nastinchka: I think I shall.
4:06:31 PM Nastinchka: Fuck 'em all.
4:06:45 PM PB: Fucking fascist pigs should be quarantined on an island with big nasty, human-eating animals

4:52:33 PM Livia: they still let ole miss wave the confederate flag, but its not okay to say indians?

8:20:57 PM Swindle: Second ball coughed right into the hands of an AU defender tonight
8:21:07 PM Nastinchka: that looked like a cartoon.
8:21:46 PM Nastinchka: ...that looked like a completed pass
8:21:48 PM Swindle: Perriloux PROFESSIONAL GAMBLING INTERESTS coughed the ball up earlier NO NOT SUGGESTING ANYTHING directly into the hands of an Auburn player on a run

4:06:23 PM Nastinchka: I'm sure you don't remember this, but we scored 33 points in the second half last year and were, I think, the second team to ever put up 50 or more between the hedges.
4:06:32 PM PB: I vividly remember this.
4:06:38 PM Nastinchka: What a fucking night.
4:06:43 PM PB: Remember what bar I was at.
4:07:03 PM Nastinchka: Like, second half starts, we score, and your head tilts a little.
4:07:07 PM Nastinchka: Then we score again.
4:07:10 PM Nastinchka: Tilt a little more.
4:07:20 PM Nastinchka: by the end of the game your neck's hanging by a sinew.

8:32:38 PM Nastinchka: Also: Bad Erik, absent for a second week.
8:32:43 PM Nastinchka: Completely.
8:32:48 PM Nastinchka: 276/2/0.
8:32:53 PM Nastinchka: 23/36.
8:33:22 PM Swindle: Playing into our hands....
8:33:31 PM Nastinchka: Probably.
8:33:51 PM Swindle: Hope so. But seriously, you're going to score 30 against us.
8:33:53 PM Swindle: At least
8:33:58 PM Swindle: I'm at peace with this.
8:34:06 PM Nastinchka: Won't help if you score 55.
8:34:24 PM Swindle: That would be nice

8:14:00 PM PB: Jesus. Today will not be normal.
8:15:21 PM Nastinchka: And it was SNEAKY.
8:15:25 PM Nastinchka: it STARTED just fine.

Required Reading

• Julia Child, m-f'ing spy. Ya heard. [Yahoo]
• AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA. ahem. [Yahoo]
• A timely and brilliant plan sure to improve the quality of life for the whole planet. (Seriously, make this happen, science.) [Slate]
• Cara goes green. [Consumption]
• Corrections. [EDSBS]

Laff Riot 84: The dawn of our empire may require the sunset of your lives.

1:38:59 PM Barstoolio: Oh, dear. Wait till I drive through the everglades alone, drink myself into oblivion on Orange Bowl beer because I'm sitting alone and have nothing else to do, and then drive through the everglades alone again.
1:39:09 PM Nastinchka: WWOOOOOO
1:39:13 PM Nastinchka: (that was an owl)
1:39:30 PM Barstoolio: I'll probably be eaten by some exotic animal its douchebag Miami owner couldn't take care of and released into the swamp.
1:39:41 PM Barstoolio: Like a purple python or albino emu.
1:39:59 PM Barstoolio: I'll text you drunk as I'm dying so you can add it.
1:40:05 PM Nastinchka: faincy!
1:53:54 PM Barstoolio: yeah. You know I'm not leaving this world in any normal fashion. Just in case, let it be known that I wish to be burnt and my ashes sprinkled 85% in the Orange Bowl, 7.5% in the East River on the Brooklyn side, and 7.5% in Tampa Bay.

4:16:47 PM Livia: i saw the most priceless shirt today--the power T with "panic" written below it in orange script

7:55:48 PM Nastinchka: We don't really get hatemail. Everyone loves baseball ass.
7:56:07 PM Swindle: : I've gotten four pieces. All very, very nasty.
7:56:10 PM Swindle: : That's a low total.
7:56:28 PM Nastinchka: I did have the __________ University play by play announcer send me pictures of his calves.
7:56:31 PM Nastinchka: That was pretty scary.
7:57:25 PM Swindle: : He sent me those.
7:57:31 PM Swindle: : Handsome cattle, both of them.
7:57:32 PM Nastinchka: Tramp.
7:57:52 PM Swindle: : They made fine veal.

5:41:08 PM Nastinchka: that was Vinson's FIRST GAME
5:41:12 PM Nastinchka: and he made that int
5:41:14 PM Nastinchka: so cute
5:41:22 PM Nastinchka: like, he looked up and the ball hit him in the numbers.

5:58:54 PM Nastinchka: Auburn is up on New Mexico State 21-20 at hte half! ?WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED IN THEIR OFFSEASON.
5:59:27 PM PB: Brandon Cox didn't flunk out of school.

4:11:09 PM Livia: It's okay. If Maryland only loses two games this season, it will be the best they've done in like 200 years and I will drink until Turtle shaped tears of joy ooze out of all my orifices.

10:29:58 AM Nastinchka: I have thirty spare seconds in this whole day and I am using it to tell you the following things:
10:30:14 AM Nastinchka: 1. Unsurprisingly, Cal tailgates are...I wouldn't even call them mediocre.
10:30:40 AM Nastinchka: 2. And their women are mousy and ill-informed on the ways of the gridiron. I'm not saying you have to do your face up like a china doll, but try not to look like a goddamn street urchin when ESPN comes to town.
10:32:35 AM Swindle: They sound sexually available
10:32:47 AM Nastinchka: Vegetarian smell, dude.
10:33:27 AM Swindle: Ewwwww
10:33:35 AM Swindle: Scratch previous comment
10:34:51 AM Nastinchka: I was rolling with a bunch of ex-debs
10:34:56 AM Nastinchka: they were proper fucking horrified
10:36:05 AM Swindle: I would have loved to see the reaction
10:36:29 AM Nastinchka: My girl Summer
10:36:38 AM Nastinchka: Who, to be fair, is an actual honest to god nuclear physicist
10:36:50 AM Nastinchka: had the best reaction, hissing: "Act like you've BEEN somewhere."

3:03:59 PM Nastinchka: Spurrier's precious backup just intercepted in the endzone.
3:04:12 PM Nastinchka: (I know you're gone. i'm just helping. I report, you decide.)
3:26:24 PM Nastinchka: "Things starting to unravel, a familiar scene for Irish fans"

4:39:33 PM Grubby: please tell me you are seeing the jesse palmer faux hawk
4:39:43 PM Nastinchka: I didnt think that was him
4:40:40 PM Grubby: you think he keeps that on a velvet pillow when he sleeps
4:46:19 PM Grubby: i mean it looks like a shiny lynx on his head

11:58:15 PM Swindle: A reader of mine once accosted Drew Weatherford in a bar
11:58:24 PM Swindle: "You suck and you will suck forever."
11:58:22 PM Nastinchka: Did he sack him?
11:58:27 PM Nastinchka: Because I hear it ain't hard.
11:58:34 PM Swindle: She's 5'2.
11:58:39 PM Swindle: She probably could

1:46:21 PM Nastinchka: by the way, verne lundquist just implied that matt flynn's mother had sexual intercourse with matt damon. on national television.
1:48:22 PM PB: Verne is feeling EDSBS fever!

1:42:59 PM Nastinchka: Virginia beat Georgia tech
1:43:12 PM Livia: HAHAHHAAH
1:43:18 PM Nastinchka: BY A LOT
1:43:35 PM Nastinchka: And our darling Spawn was at the game and LEFT BEFORE THEY HAD THE LEAD
1:43:42 PM Nastinchka: she said it was "too hot"
1:43:43 PM Livia: remind me to beat her with a belt.

7:33:02 PM Grubby: .500 baby. look out world
7:35:22 PM Nastinchka: Oh, I can hear the waltz under the talking heads
7:35:25 PM Nastinchka: HOMESICK! OW OW OW
7:35:33 PM Grubby: yeah
7:35:43 PM Grubby: thats always good for the long uphill walk to forest

2:34:15 PM Nastinchka: HAHAHAHAHAAA
2:34:21 PM PB: ?
2:35:17 PM Nastinchka: SOMEBODY STOLE GARY DANIELSON'S CBS BLAZER
2:35:54 PM Nastinchka: This is the greatest moment of the entire season, no matter what else happens. Write it down. He looks so sheepish.

8:29:56 PM Nastinchka: No one out here understands.
8:30:00 PM Nastinchka: I hate California.
8:30:30 PM Swindle: But no one at Cal hates you
8:30:33 PM Swindle: Which makes you hate them more
8:30:36 PM Swindle: Because they don't care
8:30:39 PM Nastinchka: ....YES
8:30:47 PM Nastinchka: that's EXACTLY the point.
8:31:06 PM Nastinchka: Unchain yourselves from the goddamned oak trees and take a swing at me, god dammit.
8:31:21 PM Swindle: YOU'RE AT WAR AND YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT
8:31:35 PM Nastinchka: DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'S A WAR ON?
8:32:05 PM Swindle: They won't even care if you beat them by 30
8:32:15 PM Nastinchka: How am I supposed to enjoy myself?
8:32:30 PM Swindle: Well, there's always the elegance of the game.
8:32:34 PM Swindle: Ha, just kidding.
8:32:38 PM Swindle: Get hammered
8:32:48 PM Nastinchka: Not a problem.
8:33:07 PM Swindle: Actually, I do like watching Cutcliffe, the shifty old fucker
8:34:17 PM Swindle: Curl draw curl counter slant curl draw die

12:07:32 PM Nastinchka: WHY COULDN'T LES MILES TAKE THE GODDAMN JOB
12:07:34 PM Livia: Could this possibly be Karl Dorrell's best day ever?
12:07:41 PM Nastinchka: oh fuck.
12:07:45 PM Nastinchka: don't even suggest that.
12:08:00 PM Nastinchka: my heart just froze solid in my chest.

3:51:29 PM Nastinchka: DAMMIT
3:51:34 PM Nastinchka: verne is making me laugh
3:51:45 PM PB: He's growing on you!
3:51:54 PM Nastinchka: DO NOT USE THAT PREPOSITION
3:52:00 PM PB: Hehe

10:15:26 PM Livia: I just read "John Madison" in the Young Frankenstein credits as John Madden and nerly blacked out.
10:15:45 PM Nastinchka: *fans*
10:16:34 PM Livia: Uncle Peter! My smelling salts!

12:05:04 AM Swindle: Five things
12:05:15 AM Swindle: 1. You hung out with Kanu?
12:05:46 AM Nastinchka: 1. No, I missed him. The line to get into the bar where he was wrapped around the bar 1.5 times, and we spent all of Sunday on a boat in the bay (and got thrown out of a winery!)
12:05:55 AM Swindle: Good move
12:06:06 AM Swindle: 2. Notre Dame sucks, sucks, sucks
12:06:36 AM Nastinchka: Got to watch the last quarter of Michigan and the last half of ND in a bar
12:07:01 AM Nastinchka: Sharpley had one really well executed scrambly thing.
12:07:05 AM Nastinchka: But that was IT, lawya.
12:07:19 AM Swindle: 3. FSU looks like the same team
12:07:59 AM Nastinchka: 3 1/2 Nate Longshore is not that good.
12:08:09 AM Swindle: No--Forsett is
12:08:14 AM Nastinchka: It's all jackson and Forsett
12:08:25 AM Nastinchka: Jackson is Percy Harvin fast, no kidding
12:08:49 AM Nastinchka: there was this one play where he reversed to the opposite sideline, the entire width of the field, just straight across, and no one could catch him on an angle
12:08:51 AM Swindle: Evil kick return. Pure obsidian evil
12:08:53 AM Nastinchka: it was fucking unreal.
12:09:16 AM Swindle: 4. Clemson is a very nice place to visit
12:09:28 AM Nastinchka: But it's in South Carolina!
12:10:09 AM Swindle: I know. Salveamos Madre Maria!
12:10:17 AM Nastinchka: Does not compute.
12:10:48 AM Swindle: Great crowd. They had to pull them back three times from storming the field
12:11:46 AM Swindle: After the game they left everyone on the field at Clemson
12:11:58 AM Swindle: Kids throwing balls around, families just eyeballing the place
12:12:06 AM Swindle: Vry different from UF
12:12:08 AM Nastinchka: adorable
12:12:14 AM Swindle: Where they guard the field with dogs and guns
12:12:15 AM Nastinchka: Yeah, we can't even get onto the track.
12:12:44 AM Swindle: I thought the whole time: "I should be getting ripped to pieces by dogs right now."
12:13:49 AM Swindle: 5. I got off the interstate tonight and onto Memorial drive.
12:14:06 AM Swindle: 3. a.m.
12:14:14 AM Swindle: Huge black Expedition next to me
12:14:24 AM Swindle: The window rolls down, and a fog rolls out.
12:14:33 AM Swindle: Can't see shit on the inside. Tint
12:14:49 AM Swindle: Only the head of a red pit bull with docked ears sticking out from the window
12:15:11 AM Swindle: As far as I know, that dog was driving the car

2:44:14 PM Nastinchka: oh, man.
2:44:25 PM Nastinchka: Spurrier benched his starting QB
2:44:32 PM Nastinchka: are you SERIOUS?
2:44:40 PM PB: Mitchell blows
2:44:41 PM Nastinchka: in BATON ROUGE?
2:44:50 PM PB: It's also pouring rain
2:44:56 PM Nastinchka: He was doing all right
2:45:04 PM Nastinchka: and: BATON ROUGE
2:45:10 PM PB: Desperation?
2:45:16 PM Nastinchka: One can hope.
2:46:14 PM Nastinchka: 4th and inches
2:46:16 PM Nastinchka: He chose...poorly.

11:54:27 AM Livia: thats what the inside of my brain looks like
11:54:41 AM Nastinchka: Especially Spectre Goodell
11:54:49 AM Nastinchka: (Which is what we are calling hom from now on)
11:54:58 AM Livia: that part is HORRIBLE
11:56:24 AM Livia: Genuinely horrible.
11:56:34 AM Livia: LET'S HAVE SPECTRE GOODELL OFFICIATE
11:57:19 AM Nastinchka: .....
11:57:47 AM Livia: Don't be so linear.
11:57:52 AM Nastinchka: Do we really want somone on a "character" witch hunt anywhere NEAR our (double, heterosexual, eventual) wedding?

Laff Riot 83: The nicest kids in town!

11:03:57 AM Swindle: You are snowed under and do not have to respond.
11:04:02 AM Swindle: But I am letting you know.
11:04:11 AM Swindle: there is an ewok named Teebo.
11:05:22 AM Nastinchka: I am biting my nails waiting for my first review from New York
11:05:30 AM Nastinchka: and that just made my morningARE YOU KIDDING ME??
11:05:42 AM Swindle: No.
11:07:40 AM Nastinchka: Is Teebo one of the ones with a slingshot?
11:08:34 AM Nastinchka: keeeeyuuuuute
11:08:56 AM Swindle: Teebo is the young Ewok who is Wicket's best friend. He is Logray's apprentice, and hopes to become the Ewok shaman someday. He has a unique way of communicating with nature, and is a dabbler in the art of poetry. He knows a small amount of magic, which for some reason usually doesn't end up very well.
11:09:41 AM Nastinchka: Wait, so is this a Return of the Jedi Ewok or a Battle for Endor Ewok?
11:10:17 AM Swindle: Return of the Jedi
11:10:46 AM Swindle: if he learned any magic from his mentor, he'll make a brain-fucking INT in the 3rd quarter every game.
11:11:16 AM Nastinchka: Chris Leak would be that one Ewok that hits himself in the face with the slingshot and falls off the tree branch.
11:11:42 AM Swindle: reggie nelson is the one who is banging on the leg of the AT-ST with a club

1:10:17 PM Grubby: attention cutcliffe. stop. very difficult to run outside tackle. stop. fasted team in nation. stop. reference national title game. stop.
1:10:37 PM Nastinchka: Attn: Playcalling. PASSING WORKS. Stop.
1:10:44 PM Nastinchka: WE KNOW THIS IS WEIRD. STop.
1:10:49 PM Nastinchka: JUST GO WITH IT, DAMMIT. Stop.

9:27:14 AM Nastinchka: Oh, vince. It's OK. You don't need your throwing hand.
9:27:20 AM Nastinchka: Excuse me,
9:27:23 AM Nastinchka: "throwing ham"

1:18:33 PM Nastinchka: Dammit, Uncle Verne on EDSBS Live is really making my lifelong hatred of CBS untenable.
1:18:47 PM PB: Yeah, time to get past that one.

10:18:51 AM Swindle: I want to present the award trophy for the Fulmer Cup to Ron Zook
10:19:04 AM Nastinchka: I think that's delightful.
10:19:18 AM Swindle: He will be a large chunk of rock.
10:19:20 AM Nastinchka: They're improving!
10:19:23 AM Nastinchka: At larceny!
10:19:42 AM Swindle: A brick at a local home depot.
10:19:45 AM Nastinchka: Well, actually, they're not if they're still getting caught.
10:20:08 AM Swindle: That's correctable.

6:37:33 PM Livia: Le fuck.
6:55:50 PM Livia: Interception, Steve McNair.
6:55:53 PM Livia: Season Ruiner.
6:56:01 PM Livia: Fuck Whisperer.

7:25:27 PM Jerkwheat: sorry bout your Teboobs - I'm pretty sure the entire day of Saturday never happened though
7:30:56 PM Nastinchka: *uncontrolled sobbing*
7:31:00 PM Nastinchka: Teboobs is new, though.
7:31:06 PM Jerkwheat: i do what i can

10:36:01 AM Nastinchka: I somehow failed to notice how far up I am in the NFL pickem thingy.
10:36:06 AM Nastinchka: 22 games, baby!
10:36:17 AM PB: NFL is hard
10:36:27 AM Nastinchka: 6 people have 24, 7 have 23, then ME!
10:36:33 AM PB: Niiiice
10:36:46 AM Nastinchka: I can do some things!
10:37:02 AM PB: You are competence.
10:37:12 AM Nastinchka: THBBBBBBBBBT.

7:47:33 PM Livia: I told you what Liz said when I told her about my plan to get to Peyton through hapless Eli, right?
7:47:49 PM Livia: LIZ: (Smiling indulgently) That sounds...slutty.
7:47:54 PM Livia: I was so happy.
7:48:00 PM Nastinchka: that is about the nicest thing she has ever said to you.
7:48:40 PM Livia: But omit it from the snarks, because Eli cannot know about this, or else you and I won;t get our piles of gold and NFL memorabilia.
7:49:22 PM Livia: Imagine marrying Eli. It would be just like The Hand That Rocks The Cradle.
7:49:34 PM Nastinchka: You are so much hotter than Rebecca de Mornay.
7:49:46 PM Livia: That was never in question.
7:49:47 PM Nastinchka: (that's my line, right?)
7:51:44 PM Livia: I guess that makes Eli the little girl
7:51:53 PM Livia: Sadly, that is not the first time anyone has said that.
7:51:53 PM Nastinchka: In the cradle.
7:52:12 PM Nastinchka: I just pictured jeremy Shockey as DeMornay and now I'm having convulsions
7:52:33 PM Livia: ITS SO EASY TO SEE THAT.
7:52:41 PM Nastinchka: I dare you to not see that
7:52:48 PM Livia: I wish I could stop.

1:23:02 PM Nastinchka: I guess it's time for that familiar gnawing dread.
1:23:10 PM Swindle: What dread?
1:23:18 PM Swindle: (dread dread dread dread)
1:23:20 PM Nastinchka: Fearing Gainesville like the spider fears the snake.
1:23:25 PM Swindle: (must ignore can't sleep)
1:23:44 PM Nastinchka: I'm busy fearing Berkeley, which is ludicrous, but there you go.
1:24:01 PM Swindle: They won't stab you.
1:24:05 PM Nastinchka: There is that.
1:24:37 PM Nastinchka: So, you don't have strong inklings about this Kyle Jackson?
1:24:51 PM Swindle: He is flammable.
1:25:25 PM Nastinchka: You're missing Nelson right about now.
1:25:37 PM Nastinchka: I mean, not the normal empty feeling.
1:25:50 PM Nastinchka: But tracing his face in the picture frame missing.
1:26:36 PM Swindle: You may recognize KJ from his work earlier here
1:27:11 PM Nastinchka: Now, that's Prothro.
1:27:26 PM Nastinchka: So it's not entirely fair to anyone.
1:27:31 PM Nastinchka: But I do feel better.
1:27:36 PM Nastinchka: [replay]
1:27:40 PM Nastinchka: [replayreplayreplay]
1:27:51 PM Nastinchka: [giggle replay]
1:28:06 PM Swindle: He also missed an angle on a slant for a td that game
1:28:17 PM Nastinchka: As a freshman...
1:28:17 PM Swindle: And fell for every misdirection play they had.
1:28:23 PM Nastinchka: Ouch.
1:29:27 PM Nastinchka: God, that game was bizarre.
1:29:30 PM Swindle: That's our starting safety.
1:29:37 PM Swindle: FAAAHHHHCK
1:30:28 PM Nastinchka: Be that as it may
1:30:42 PM Nastinchka: We'll need those 14 points after Ainge does the em-effing gator chomp in the endzone.
1:30:59 PM Nastinchka: Assuming he's still in the game.
1:31:40 PM Swindle: He will. Because he is dumb.
1:31:45 PM Nastinchka: Pretty!
1:32:01 PM Swindle: All I want is a smart quarterback.
1:32:06 PM Swindle: It's been...so....long
1:32:14 PM Swindle: Even Rex wasn't smart
1:32:20 PM Nastinchka: Dude. We had Clausens.
1:32:24 PM Nastinchka: Multiple Clausens.
1:32:49 PM Nastinchka: And Rick wasn't half bad but everyone hated Casey so goddamn much he never got a foothold.
1:33:52 PM Nastinchka: I don't care what kind of heat your arm's got--nobody, NOBODY gets to nickname themselves "Ice Man."
1:34:05 PM Nastinchka: And now he's selling insurance, so I feel better.
1:34:47 PM Swindle: I think he's on staff at Miss. State, isn't he?
1:35:48 PM Nastinchka: He was there in '05
1:37:10 PM Swindle: Given his amazing success there, I can't believe they didn't ask him to stay.
1:37:22 PM Swindle: Michael Henig's Heisman cured that.
1:37:51 PM Swindle: He's your Doug Johnson
1:38:29 PM Nastinchka: And we're nearly out of COlquitts.
1:39:12 PM Nastinchka: I cannot recall a time when someone kicking the ball wearing orange was not a sure thing.

7:11:27 PM Nastinchka: One of our announcers just said, totally seriously, of one of our new receivers: "He...can...fly."
7:11:33 PM Nastinchka: Like, all low and somber.

10:20:54 PM PB: TOUCHDOWN!
10:20:59 PM PB: (Hope you're not on delay)
10:21:04 PM Nastinchka: dammit, peter.
10:21:38 PM PB: Hey - I thought of you this time at least. If belatedly
10:21:54 PM Nastinchka: baby steps.

8:04:56 PM Livia: im surprised at saban's humble, rational call here
8:04:59 PM Livia: but am not fooled
8:05:16 PM Nastinchka: No, not for a second.

1:00:32 PM Swindle: Odd question
1:00:38 PM Nastinchka: Shoot.
1:00:52 PM Swindle: You don't happen to have a picture of ademented leprechaun lying around, do you?
1:00:57 PM Swindle: Sussman does not count.

4:17:30 PM Livia: KENTUCKY'S OFFENSIVE COORDINATOR
4:17:35 PM Livia: HIS FIRST NAME IS JOKER.
4:17:47 PM Livia: In other news, our wedding will now be in Kentucky.
4:17:54 PM Livia: OH, HE'S BEAUTIFUL.
4:18:08 PM Nastinchka: Joker Philips is Jimbo Fisher's hot twin.
4:18:29 PM Livia: I will take Joker Philips to be my everything.

8:43:58 PM Nastinchka: Found it.
8:44:01 PM Nastinchka: That was close
8:44:17 PM Nastinchka: I somehow get FSN and FSN west despite not having cable.
8:52:46 PM Nastinchka: Whatcha watchin'?
8:52:54 PM PB: Bloggin
8:55:29 PM Nastinchka: ...SCOTT VAN PELT SAW MY RACK.
8:55:40 PM Nastinchka: (this is going to keep happening, isn't it.)
8:55:50 PM PB: Get used to it
8:56:04 PM Nastinchka: It's weird when they smile at me from the teevee.

7:59:17 PM Livia: Tonight, Mark Richt is modelling the latest in the Houston Nutt Flop Sweat line, now available at value-priced Walgreen's everywhere.
7:59:51 PM Livia: I'm still waiting for my Hasty Pudding.
8:00:06 PM Nastinchka: Still waiting for our book deal.
8:00:26 PM Livia: Imagine if we took next fall and just went all over the SEC and wrote a book
8:00:37 PM Livia: It would be the funniest work of all time
8:01:00 PM Nastinchka: Like Clay's
8:01:04 PM Nastinchka: but with tits.
8:01:43 PM Livia: Not as good as us.
8:02:53 PM Livia: Or as buxom.
8:03:03 PM Nastinchka: Although he did marry a Titans cheerleader
8:03:07 PM Nastinchka: but we have FOUR tits.

3:52:31 PM Nastinchka: So they were talking about how Michigan could still win the big ten
3:52:55 PM Nastinchka: and verne kinda snoots, "I wonder if there will be a clamor to get them in a BCS game then"
3:53:12 PM Nastinchka: and there's like three seconds of dead air
3:53:30 PM Nastinchka: and Gary's like "That was Verne, everybody"

9:59:29 PM PB: I'm so happy right now. So happy.
10:01:25 PM Nastinchka: Anything in particular?
10:02:10 PM PB: Mostly Texas. Young players plaaaayed. A lot. And kicked ass. While the guys who needed to be recognized as inferior still managed to suck against Rice.
10:02:24 PM PB: ND lost, which was good, 'cause I wanted several of my classmates to suffer.
10:04:11 PM PB: And I'm an asshole, which means I wanted to be validated for staying home while they went to the stands.

12:07:38 PM Swindle: I just found out today I'm going to FSU/Clemson in Death Valley.
12:07:45 PM Swindle: Sept. 3rd. A monday night game
12:07:47 PM Nastinchka: ooooooh.
12:08:10 PM Swindle: Who all shops at Old Navy say yeah?
12:08:17 PM Swindle: (stadium) YEAAAAAAHHHH

Laff Riot 82: three to ten, the blessing of the cows

"I feel like there's going to be Holly's Blog: The Deleted Scenes pretty soon." --Jesse/'Box/Big Daddy, c. 2001

How Laff Riots Work: Chats go in log, log gets reviewed about once a week, funny bits go into a doc file, then selected pretty much at random when it's time to post. The original doc file, dating back to October 2000 or so, was lost in the laptop crash of last summer. The new one is much smaller--1,125 pages long (not a typo). At 20 or so posted bits a week, I'm hanging onto a ridiculous amount of leftover material we just didn't have time for last year.

So here comes this new football season, and here's me with a treasury of unseen jokes left over from '07-'08. If I don't do something with them in the next 2.5 weeks, they can never really see the light of day without combining with new material and baffling us all. WHICH Lou Holtz magic trick? WHICH sighting of John Parker Wilson in a hoopskirt and taffeta bonnet? WHICH UCLA blog that makes us all wish it were possible for the internet to burn down? So starting today, every day until we have new games to snipe at--time to make like high school and get with the purging. Nudging these overgrown hatchling jokes out of the nest. Deleted scenes for sixteen straight days. Deus ex Fuck Lion. Believe me when I tell you, You Are Not Ready.

p/s After one night of sorting through these, I'm convinced our best work is done on Saturday afternoon. This does not mean this isn't a terrible idea. Hold onto something.

Today's special: Michael Hennig, Seppuku, And You, a bone-chilling Fulmer anecdote that spins into a chillinger fantasy, and the origins of The Turtle Can't Help You, Rick Clausen:

1:47:20 PM Swindle: FOOTBALL
1:47:23 PM Swindle: GODDAM FOOTBALL
1:49:02 PM Swindle: there's a moment in the 2006 world cup
1:49:18 PM Swindle: When Germans unrolled a huge banner with the double headed eagle on it in Berlin
1:49:43 PM Swindle: It short-circuited by logical brain and went straight to atavistic tribal war brain
1:49:53 PM Swindle: that's happening to me now
1:51:08 PM Nastinchka: Try singing "Unchained Melody" with all the words changed to "footbawl".
1:51:14 PM Nastinchka: This has passed my entire morning.
1:51:16 PM Swindle: Trying right now

3:28:09 PM Nastinchka: Also: Cal gets bumped two spots for beating a ranked team
3:28:17 PM Nastinchka: and Louisville gets bumped three for beating MURRAY STATE?
3:29:30 PM Livia: they'll pay. i have a fuck octopus.
3:29:36 PM Livia: (a fucktopus, if you will)
3:29:50 PM Nastinchka: A: LOL
3:30:06 PM Nastinchka: B: Please don't ever call Squidley that again after I saw him sleep in your bed for two years.
3:30:20 PM Livia: How dare you, sir
3:30:39 PM Nastinchka: Your love is pure and chaste from afar
3:30:51 PM Nastinchka: and [adjective that sounds latin and means eight-limbed]
3:31:12 PM Livia: octopedal?
3:31:18 PM Nastinchka: That.
3:32:25 PM Livia: i really want to be mrs. marques slocum
3:33:11 PM Livia: i think he is probably the cicero of our times.
3:33:23 PM Nastinchka: He had it comin'.
3:33:25 PM Nastinchka: (sorry)
3:34:37 PM Livia: not as sorry as you're gonna be.

8:30:36 PM Barstoolio: i just felt a small pang of pity for Brees. I didn't know he was kinda cute til just now.
8:30:41 PM Barstoolio: I squashed it.

1:20:43 PM Nastinchka: YES. Let's have a Big House commercial right now.
1:20:59 PM PB: I actually get the B10N
1:21:01 PM Nastinchka: THIS IS BIG TEN COUNTRY...*mewling*

11:10:33 AM Nastinchka: Sidebar: ESPN says either us or Georgia will meet LSu in ATL in December. The fuck?
11:10:49 AM Nastinchka: Is there another UT?
11:10:49 AM Swindle: They have experts.
11:10:54 AM Nastinchka: One with a receiving corps?
11:11:02 AM Nastinchka: And a run game?
11:11:09 AM Swindle: The pundit's answer to this that you have tight ends
11:11:17 AM Nastinchka: Neither of whom are Jason Witten.
11:11:23 AM Swindle: they will each catch 15 balls a game
11:11:40 AM Nastinchka: One of whom wasn't even a tight end until....[deep breaths] I'm getting the shakes. it's too soon.
11:12:24 AM Swindle: At least you have corners.
11:12:32 AM Swindle: Even if they are smurfs
11:12:59 AM Nastinchka: So widdle! I could put them in my pocket.

9:48:23 PM Livia: I want you to know that Bailey and I are both doing the Globogym Purple Cobra entrance chant at South Florida's bench
9:48:38 PM Nastinchka: Hi, Bailes.
9:48:43 PM Livia: And that she looked at USF and said "Slytherin, represent"
9:49:03 PM Livia: and made a snakelike gang sign.

9:29:36 AM PB: Dear ESPN talkers, the word you need is "ceiling." All these white stiffs have them. VY does not.

4:16:22 PM Nastinchka: YOU ARE SCARING ME.
4:16:24 PM Nastinchka: LOUD NOISES
4:16:54 PM Barstoolio: Sorry. I just...minutes ago option 3 was something else. And I'm delicate this weekend. Mah nerves!
4:17:05 PM Nastinchka: Ah've got the vapors!
4:17:21 PM Barstoolio: Call the good dok-tah!
4:18:03 PM Nastinchka: You're first.
4:18:40 PM Barstoolio: Oh, god. I got nothing but the world's most annoying whimper, but ...oh well.
4:18:53 PM Nastinchka: Ssshhhh.
4:19:16 PM Barstoolio: Oh, I'm game for my fate.
4:19:27 PM Barstoolio: I know my role.
4:19:36 PM Barstoolio: UNLIKE KIRBY FREEMAN
4:19:38 PM Barstoolio: (sorry)

3:59:00 PM Grubby: why is he in
3:59:11 PM Nastinchka: Why are they letting him run?
3:59:23 PM Grubby: Begin Crompton Sequence at the tone.
3:59:29 PM Grubby: TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE
4:00:25 PM Grubby: as the clock winds down, it hurts in the area where the jawbones meet

9:42:12 PM Livia: Sorry, I've been confused about ABC east/west all day
9:42:17 PM Nastinchka: S'ok
9:42:21 PM Nastinchka: SO MUCH BOUNTY
9:42:32 PM Livia: MOUNDS OF GOLD (devil laugh)

7:43:18 AM Swindle: I know for a fact Fulmer drinks margaritas there
7:43:34 AM Nastinchka: Anecdote:
7:43:43 AM Nastinchka: A girlfriend is a waitress there
7:44:11 AM Nastinchka: And there was some sort of brunch thing and another friend of ours bet her twenty dollars she wouldn't recommend him the fruit plate instead of biscuits.
7:45:00 AM Nastinchka: So she did, and he apparently just stared at her in sullen contempt, like a very large toad, until she brought him his damn carbs.
7:45:21 AM Swindle: I am
7:45:23 AM Swindle: ...
7:45:29 AM Swindle: Heroes are all around us
7:45:44 AM Nastinchka: Ordinary people. Extraordinary actions.
7:46:19 AM Swindle: He just wasn't on the mistress tip at that point
7:46:30 AM Nastinchka: I cannot think about that.
7:46:34 AM Swindle: If he had the chick on the side, he'd be fruit platin' it
7:46:42 AM Nastinchka: I think that's the reason that never gained more legs in the rumor mill.
7:46:53 AM Nastinchka: No one can stand to think about it long enough to make a sentence out loud.
7:47:41 AM Swindle: "Hey did you hear that Phil Fulme rhas a mistress and--hhuuuBLLUUUAARRGGGH@@!!!
7:47:55 AM Nastinchka: *blood from ears*
7:48:03 AM Nastinchka: And it affects the listener as well.
7:48:09 AM Swindle: Or just a quiet and instant suicide
7:48:19 AM Swindle: Shoves pencil up nose, slams head on ground
7:48:33 AM Swindle: But not before writing IT on the wall in blood
7:49:16 AM Nastinchka: oh, god, visions of an orange balloon in a storm drain.
7:49:33 AM Swindle: We all float down here
7:49:38 AM Swindle: In boats with orange flags
7:49:53 AM Nastinchka: And when you're down here clawing for third in the SEC East, you'll float too.
7:49:56 AM Swindle: I smell...country ham...
7:49:59 AM Swindle: RUN!
7:50:33 AM Nastinchka: The Turtle can't help you, Rick Clausen.
7:50:43 AM Swindle: HaHA
7:50:48 AM Swindle: These are belly laughs
7:50:58 AM Swindle: Which are hurting me
7:51:02 AM Swindle: Because I went to Pilates
7:51:06 AM Swindle: And that was not good
7:51:59 AM Nastinchka: John Chavis in some underground lair surrounded by bones...."I worry about you, Rick. I worry A LOT."
7:53:35 AM Swindle: There's only one way out of here
7:53:48 AM Nastinchka: I don't want to know who has to sleep with
7:53:47 AM Swindle: We have to all have sex with Jimmy Ray Stephens
7:53:51 AM Nastinchka: DAMMIT
7:53:54 AM Swindle: Then we'll fire him
7:53:58 AM Swindle: And eat him
7:54:30 AM Nastinchka: Brought to you by Kingsford. Slow down (your run blocking) and grill.

12:26:24 PM Barstoolio: I hurt all over.
12:26:46 PM Barstoolio: If I'm gonna get spanked so hard, I'd prefer it be enjoyable.
12:27:20 PM Nastinchka: SAY THAT ON THE AIR.
12:27:49 PM Barstoolio: Okay. I'm sad enough to call.

1:47:16 PM Nastinchka: Pam Oliver: "Grossman's gotten no medical attention, but he has gotten a lot of pats on the butt."
1:51:57 PM Livia: I KNOW
1:51:59 PM Livia: I HEARD IT TOO
1:52:13 PM Livia: and a few minutes before that, someone made a comment about chicago being big below the waist.

2:21:51 PM Nastinchka: Dude, Trooper will be a force, a FORCE, one of these days.
2:21:56 PM Nastinchka: He's my favorite.
2:21:56 PM Grubby: no shit
2:22:11 PM Grubby: look what he did to the RBs in 04-05, then the wideouts in 06
2:22:21 PM Grubby: he's a fucking talent reaper
2:22:29 PM Nastinchka: Have you ever heard him give a speech?
2:22:36 PM Nastinchka: He can hold whole rooms in the palm of his hand.
2:22:37 PM Grubby: and i gotta believe that guy is MONEY in the living room
2:22:48 PM Nastinchka: We were at some charity banquet thing
2:22:54 PM Grubby: never, but i'd love to hear him speak
2:23:01 PM Nastinchka: and there were some players there, and he stands up to go talk, and they all snap to. Instantly.
2:23:12 PM Nastinchka: If he ever gets tired of the game he'd make a helluva preacher.
2:24:03 PM Grubby: its gotta be tough to get/earn/command respect from the "athlete from hard upbringing" especially if they've always had everything given to them because they can run/throw/catch... but that dude does it

10:47:18 AM PB: Not covering Reggie Wayne strikes me as poor strategy
10:47:35 AM Nastinchka: One would think.

12:31:34 PM Swindle: I'm going to do each conference by theme song
12:31:41 PM Swindle: Each team gets a song.
12:32:10 PM Nastinchka: Who gets "Tiptoe through the Tulips"?
12:32:10 PM Swindle: Tennessee is up for grabs on a theme
12:32:13 PM Swindle: for 2007
12:32:30 PM Swindle: lack of receivers="Catch me I'm falling?"
12:32:28 PM Nastinchka: Black Velvet.
12:32:39 PM Nastinchka: Erik Ainge: A new religion that'll bring you to your knees.

10:47:45 AM Nastinchka: oh my god, have you seen this Big East Heisman commercial?
10:47:52 AM PB: ?
10:47:56 AM Nastinchka: oh WOW
10:47:58 AM Nastinchka: It's
10:48:01 AM Nastinchka: I don't even
10:48:07 AM Nastinchka: it's like a For Your Consideration ad
10:48:15 AM Nastinchka: which, do they have those outside of LA, I can't remember?
10:48:16 AM Nastinchka: No, it is!
10:48:19 AM Nastinchka: they're all in suits
10:48:22 AM Nastinchka: and there's music
10:48:26 AM PB: Want to see this
10:48:43 AM Nastinchka: and the announcer is all "congratulations on your CONSIDERATION FOR THIS PRESTIGIOUS" and then it cuts back to the game. Oops.

3:20:04 PM Nastinchka: I am so glad the shmoosibs are making the trip
3:20:26 PM Nastinchka: ....which I guess makes your dad my shmoofather. HOW HAVE WE NOT THOUGHT OF THIS.
3:20:28 PM Livia: It will be Bailey's first football game. What on earth could possibly go wrong?
3:21:45 PM Livia: We are after all talking about the girl who demanded to know who the waves were working for
3:22:13 PM Nastinchka: I remember Gina and I at that age, in the Alabama student section. Get Bailey some kevlar.
3:22:16 PM Livia: And who whistled Rocky Top so aggressively at Busch Gardens that I was fairly certain we would be asked to leave the trolley.
3:22:35 PM Nastinchka: If anyone on this earth could whistle "aggressively", she'd be related to you.
3:23:52 PM Livia: Yeah, I remember myself only two years older, calling the Cornhuskers fan two rows down from me a festering, cheating, suckhole, and how he turned around and almost decked me before noticing I was 14.
3:24:23 PM Nastinchka: ...then he proposed, right?
3:25:34 PM Livia: She also composed a Tennessee cheer out of thin air and started bellowing it when we were in line for a coaster surrounded by 20 UF Alumni
3:25:43 PM Livia: And it was so irritating that several of them left
3:25:46 PM Livia: I have never, ever been prouder.

1:12:45 PM Nastinchka: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEE
1:12:48 PM Nastinchka: I should be taping this.
1:12:48 PM PB: Brian Cook suicide watch 9.8
1:13:02 PM Nastinchka: Oh, you know what?
1:13:11 PM PB: They don't realize it's not Mike Hart
1:13:12 PM Nastinchka: It's time to go play in the MGoBlog open thread.
1:13:19 PM PB: Oh. So cruel.
1:13:22 PM Nastinchka: Ssshhh.
1:13:25 PM Nastinchka: Wooodson.

8:01:22 PM Swindle: 11-28, 119 yards, 6 INTS
8:01:28 PM Nastinchka: Henig?
8:01:34 PM Swindle: Michael Henig should cry in public for several hours
8:01:49 PM Nastinchka: He's crying on the bench. Tee hee! Country laugh
8:01:57 PM Nastinchka: ...SIX??
8:02:00 PM Swindle: You're heartless. Don't ever change
8:02:03 PM Swindle: Six.
8:02:04 PM Nastinchka: *preen*
8:02:06 PM Swindle: Three to one guy
8:02:10 PM Nastinchka: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
8:02:13 PM Swindle: A WHITE safety
8:02:15 PM Nastinchka: Why aren't we in the west?
8:03:49 PM Swindle: Committing suicide with a fine Japanese sword would be understandable after this game
8:03:55 PM Swindle: 11-28, 119 yards, 6 INTS
8:03:56 PM Nastinchka: What'd L'Ville end up with? 70?
8:04:03 PM Nastinchka: 100?
8:04:49 PM Swindle: 73-10
8:05:08 PM Nastinchka: it was 7-7 for so long, I was wondering if my ticker was stuck.
8:05:19 PM Nastinchka: And then they threw on the afterburners.
8:05:23 PM Nastinchka: And then they blocked out the sun
8:06:03 PM Swindle: Klytus...I'm bored...
8:06:14 PM Swindle: Then they turned the death ray on.
8:06:29 PM Nastinchka: Yes. Set phasers to "charred rare".
8:06:37 PM Nastinchka: Oh god, it's back it's back.
8:06:57 PM Swindle: ?
8:07:04 PM Nastinchka: foobaw
8:07:08 PM Nastinchka: fooback
8:07:23 PM Swindle: It's like I'm seventy percent more alive
8:07:29 PM Swindle: And yet I'm moving fifty percent less
8:07:43 PM Nastinchka: EW, what color is that SHIRT?
8:07:50 PM Nastinchka: He looks like sunflower
8:07:53 PM Swindle: Jackie Sherrill's cracking me up
8:07:58 PM Nastinchka: ...bless his heart.
8:08:02 PM Swindle: "I still don't like youuuuuu."
8:08:11 PM Nastinchka: yeeeeewwww
8:08:33 PM Swindle: Was that another turnover?
8:08:40 PM Swindle: Seven?
8:08:43 PM Nastinchka: Jesus, probably. What're the odds.
8:08:50 PM Nastinchka: WHEN DID PERRILLOUX GET IN?
8:08:58 PM Swindle: Last series
8:08:59 PM Nastinchka: I love it
8:09:06 PM Swindle: He dropped some dice and chips on the way in
8:09:17 PM Swindle: And gave a purple fifty to the ref to "keep it fair."
8:09:17 PM Nastinchka: shook some sand out of his pants leg
8:09:30 PM Swindle: lol
8:09:42 PM Nastinchka: I dunno, it just sounds shady.
8:09:51 PM Swindle: Oh, fuck
8:09:59 PM Nastinchka: WOW
8:10:11 PM Swindle: Perriloux's trying to get them over the spread.
8:10:14 PM Nastinchka: HA
8:10:18 PM Swindle: Granny's life depends on it
8:10:32 PM Nastinchka: Oh, c'mon, they're going to kick it, still?
8:10:42 PM Nastinchka: Show some panache, Miles.
8:10:50 PM Nastinchka: WWtOBCD?
8:11:00 PM Swindle: OBC would throw
8:11:04 PM Swindle: This is always the answer
8:11:17 PM Swindle: Consult page one, "Ahm Gonna Throw"
8:11:22 PM Nastinchka: If I didn't want him to die so goddamn much I would love him.
8:11:29 PM Swindle: You do love him.
8:11:31 PM Swindle: Don't deny it.
8:11:36 PM Nastinchka: YOU HUSH THE FUCK UP
8:11:38 PM Swindle: Everyone loves him
8:11:43 PM Swindle: He's like Chad Johnson
8:11:45 PM Swindle: You can't hate him
8:11:46 PM Nastinchka: lalalalalalalalalala
8:11:48 PM Nastinchka: Sure I can!
8:11:50 PM Nastinchka: Watch!
8:11:54 PM Nastinchka: ....
8:11:57 PM Nastinchka: *hate*.
8:11:57 PM Swindle: Click clack!
8:12:02 PM Nastinchka: Hate that too.
8:12:13 PM Nastinchka: Hatey hate hate hate.
8:12:13 PM Swindle: Three of them hadn't been colored in yet!
8:12:19 PM Swindle: Citrus without UT!
8:12:23 PM Nastinchka: STOPPIT
8:12:31 PM Swindle: Thought we'd done something until Kentucky beat Clemson!
8:12:46 PM Nastinchka: He should really put out a Greatest Hits
8:12:56 PM Swindle: I have the portable Spurrier
8:13:11 PM Nastinchka: Who is this bitch?
8:13:23 PM Swindle: Doug Flutie?
8:13:26 PM Nastinchka: No, the girl.
8:13:31 PM Swindle: OHHHHHHHHHHHH
8:13:34 PM Swindle: BURRN
8:13:42 PM Swindle: I love Doug Flutie now
8:13:50 PM Nastinchka: Oh, why get mad NOW, 15?
8:13:56 PM Nastinchka: It's a bit late to be frustrated.
8:14:00 PM Nastinchka: Take your goddamn medicine.
8:14:02 PM Swindle: Chafffing James for going to SMU
8:14:12 PM Swindle: "that's a classroom, Pony."
8:14:24 PM Nastinchka: did you see him try to remove his arm all casual like?
8:14:33 PM Nastinchka: He put it on his hip like he meant to do that the whole time.
8:14:36 PM Swindle: Exquisite.
8:14:46 PM Swindle: There's gold in the fourth quarter of blowouts. You just have to pan
8:14:51 PM Nastinchka: You know what?
8:14:58 PM Nastinchka: They should add another week to the schedule
8:15:00 PM Nastinchka: and week 1
8:15:07 PM Nastinchka: should be all DI vs DII schools
8:15:09 PM Nastinchka: ALL
8:15:14 PM Nastinchka: Like gladiators
8:15:32 PM Swindle: Ever see a polar bear overcome a seal?
8:15:38 PM Swindle: That looked just like that
8:15:41 PM Nastinchka: Are you not entertained?
8:16:02 PM Swindle: Yes, Maximus
8:16:05 PM Swindle: It's day one.
8:16:10 PM Swindle: Anything will do.
8:16:32 PM Swindle: I've always wanted a pet tiger.
8:16:32 PM Nastinchka: THE tiger
8:16:44 PM Swindle: Mike's dreamy
8:16:54 PM Nastinchka: Dude, you know who y'all need.
8:16:59 PM Nastinchka: There's a gator at the LA ZOo
8:17:02 PM Nastinchka: that keeps escaping
8:17:16 PM Nastinchka: Hang on, I have to find the Defamer post about it, it's pricelss
8:17:54 PM Nastinchka: Also contains the greatest photo ever.
8:18:40 PM Swindle: As someone who lived in Florida for 6 years, I have no fear of alligators
8:18:50 PM Swindle: This is proof the state makes everyone stupid and reckless
8:19:48 PM Nastinchka: Well, then you should enjoy an alligator that can climb shit.
8:20:02 PM Swindle: They can do that.
8:20:08 PM Nastinchka: Can they climb trees?
8:20:12 PM Nastinchka: THAT's what I want
8:20:16 PM Swindle: Not too far.
8:20:19 PM Swindle: Snakes can climb trees
8:20:23 PM Nastinchka: Yes.
8:20:23 PM Swindle: That I've seen
8:20:51 PM Swindle: The scariest wild animal in florida are flying barracuda
8:21:00 PM Nastinchka: ....
8:21:13 PM Swindle: Every year, two or three of them fly into boats
8:21:18 PM Nastinchka: no.
8:21:24 PM Swindle: Big, tooth-covered missiles
8:21:33 PM Nastinchka: Yeeeeeeeesh
8:21:39 PM Nastinchka: Ah gotta keeper!
8:21:48 PM Swindle: My uncle in law
8:21:53 PM Swindle: Had a woman hook one.
8:22:04 PM Swindle: The fish swam out, then in
8:22:11 PM Swindle: She tugged just as it turned.
8:22:17 PM Swindle: It flew over her shoulder
8:22:20 PM Nastinchka: oh no
8:22:25 PM Swindle: And into the cabin through the glass window
8:22:32 PM Swindle: Broke off the key in the ignition
8:22:37 PM Swindle: You can't really plan for that
8:22:50 PM Nastinchka: No, I suppose not.
8:24:24 PM Swindle: I'm wearing orc armor and pounding a war drum
8:24:30 PM Swindle: Actually, I've been doing that since noon
8:24:35 PM Nastinchka: Fired yet?
8:25:02 PM Swindle: NO!
8:25:20 PM Nastinchka: Excelsior!
8:25:41 PM Swindle: I'm riding the magical steed of dashing neglect for the next three months
8:25:52 PM Swindle: He is called Howie, and he is a magnificent Paint
8:26:11 PM Swindle: You cannot steer him with a mallet
8:26:26 PM Swindle: That's not my line.
8:26:46 PM Nastinchka: I just like the word "mallet".
8:27:10 PM Swindle: Terry Pratchett describes a horse as "a horse you could not steer with a mallet."
8:27:14 PM Swindle: I've ridden that horse.
8:27:24 PM Swindle: Strangely, they're always likeable
8:28:10 PM Nastinchka: jacked up, episode 1
8:28:14 PM Nastinchka: Tonight on SportsCenter
8:28:20 PM Swindle: He got...
8:28:25 PM Swindle: ...HIT HARD!!!
8:28:29 PM Swindle: No.
8:28:34 PM Swindle: ...REALLY DAMAGED!
8:28:39 PM Swindle: Uh, no.
8:29:31 PM Swindle: Florida/LSU looking huge
8:29:36 PM Nastinchka: How huge?
8:29:59 PM Swindle: If South Carolina doesn't beat them
8:30:10 PM Swindle: It's the shiniest game o' the year to that point
8:30:38 PM Nastinchka: DON'T CALL ME SON, STUART SCOTT
8:30:56 PM Nastinchka: (sorry)
8:31:12 PM Swindle: If he were attacked by a komodo dragon on air, who weeps?
8:31:19 PM Swindle: Not me.
8:31:20 PM Nastinchka: One of his eyes.
8:31:31 PM Swindle: ZANG!!!
8:31:37 PM Nastinchka: ba-zow!
8:33:26 PM Swindle: Goonight.
8:33:34 PM Swindle: And happy gridironmitzvah

Momma writes letters.

From: [Momma]
Date: August 12, 2008 4:54:27 AM PDT
To: [Holly]
Subject: Re: an accomplished young woman

I'm soothed by such an activity, especially if I have PRETTY stationery. I guess that adds just the right touch of shallowness to an otherwise thoughtful and contemplative pursuit. I can live with that.

mind the herp

I am overcome with horror at the thought of our precious Ainge being exposed to this.

Required Reading

• Chronicling UCLA's horrorshow history with quarterbacks. [EDSBS]
• Fantasy Tight Ends rundown (without a word about Jeremy Shockey's sexual prowess). [PtF]
• Singing the praises of the LUSH Bath Bomb. [Consumption]

Laff Riot 81: It's Love Boom

4:38:57 PM Livia: Problem
4:39:05 PM Holly: Tell me your troubles.
4:39:09 PM Livia: The LSU-Bama game is not the weekend following Tennessee-Bama
4:39:13 PM Livia: It's the weekend after.
4:39:34 PM Holly: WTF, we were both wrong?
4:39:59 PM Holly: Well...I suppose there's nothing that says I can't stay and visit for 2 weeks
4:40:08 PM Livia: LSU plays Tulane the week we play South Carolina.
4:40:15 PM Livia: And Bama the week after.
4:40:23 PM Holly: LOL WE SHOULD GO TO COLUMBIA
4:40:47 PM Holly: At this point the whole state will just spit us out like a badly matched kidney.
4:40:40 PM Livia: AND the Saints have a BYE the Tulane weekend and are AWAY for LSU.
4:40:47 PM Livia: None of this should stop us from going, however.
4:41:01 PM Holly: Saban returning is paramount.
4:41:26 PM Livia: I feel the bye weekend increases our chances of seeing Shockey rampage through the Quarter wearing nothing but a fleur-de-lis thong

1:39:14 PM Holly: Brett Bielema's intro music on Jim Rome: Hip Hop Hooray.
1:39:16 PM Holly: Hand to god.
1:39:20 PM Swindle: Wow.
1:39:50 PM Holly: Now, I never watch this show, so he may use it for everyone
1:39:51 PM Holly: but still.
1:40:15 PM Holly: oh my god, brett has 1/4 inch of hair all over his entire head
1:40:27 PM Holly: the beard just flows into the sideburns and up onto his head
1:40:33 PM Holly: he looks like a raccoon
1:40:47 PM Holly: wearing a sleep mask made of human skin

7:59:39 PM Holly: I can never remember his name
7:59:42 PM Holly: but this kid is awesome
7:59:53 PM PB: Yeah; he even spits like a champ

6:47:30 PM TC: I read your Laff Riot. I see you do not like Chicago. I can tell you why Chicago Is the Greatest (Goddamn) City In the (Motherfucking) World.
6:47:34 PM TC: You know, if you're interested.
6:47:40 PM Holly: I love Chicago.
6:47:42 PM Holly: But I can't live there.
6:47:45 PM TC: Oh.
6:47:46 PM TC: Okay.
6:47:48 PM Holly: it's too far from the ocean.
6:47:51 PM Holly: That was our only point.
6:48:15 PM TC: I am mollified. It is near unto a great body of water that isn't... less clean than the ocean. It's certainly less polluted by salt.
6:49:08 PM TC: You can't even tell. You can pretend Indiana is Portugal. Or, if you prefer, Japan.

7:46:39 PM Livia: i am torn between respect for her and a territorial urge to kill. she should be honored.

7:50:21 PM Holly: I'm psyched.
7:50:46 PM Swindle: So am I. I'm Pete Carroll committed to rowing this into a rocky promontory.

9:25:00 PM Holly: there is a STAR WARS SAMPLE IN IT
9:25:06 PM Holly: that I missed the first time
9:25:16 PM Holly: I heard, but did not recognize
9:25:42 PM PB: Glad you like
9:27:41 PM PB: I also like one of the producers' last names: Cracknell. It's like death knell. But crack.
9:27:53 PM Holly: That is going in the Laff Riot
9:28:00 PM Holly: whether you like it or not.
9:28:19 PM PB: Fix the possessive on "producer's" then
9:28:25 PM Holly: Course.

11:27:14 AM Holly: And he's already hit the trifecta.
11:27:27 AM Holly: I have one missed call, one unanswered text, and one unanswered IM.
11:27:33 AM Barstoolio: There's a Hate Trifecta?
11:27:42 AM Holly: The trifecta of I Miss You, Bitch.

1:27:58 PM Livia: I heard that Mt. Doom erupted in New Zealand this week
1:28:04 PM Livia: I hope Mark Ordesky was on top of it

2:12:17 PM Swindle: This is what Dan Hawkins has been doing this offseason
2:12:43 PM Holly: Brahsome.
2:12:53 PM Swindle: Oh, no. Watch it to the end
2:14:12 PM Holly: I BELIEVE IN SWORDFISH
2:14:41 PM Swindle: The marlin's expression, though fixed, is very appropriate
2:17:18 PM Holly: If sharks could fly helicopters? MAN.
2:17:46 PM Swindle: Australian guy: "Yeah, but he should try doing that to a box jellyfish."

3:39:00 PM Holly: I have a very important question
3:39:02 PM Holly: before you go
3:39:46 PM PB: what up
3:40:00 PM Holly: I have to get a California driver's license this fall
3:40:07 PM Holly: Think they let me wear a tiara in the picture?
3:40:27 PM PB: I do not, but it's a bad, bad policy.
3:40:34 PM Holly: sigh.

4:55:57 PM Sager: I even stopped at mayfield for ice cream
4:56:37 PM Sager: I thought it might shake off last night
4:56:42 PM Sager: (Impossible)
4:57:05 PM Sager: Generous friends = dangerous. Irish bartenders with a callous disregard for liquor cost = even more dangerous
4:57:19 PM Holly: awwww, Mayfield. You're killing me.
4:57:49 PM Sager: Blueberry cream pie was unreal
4:58:15 PM Sager: And I don't even really like blueberry cream pie
4:59:16 PM Holly: It's better than actual pie because it's Mayfield (TM)
5:02:13 PM Sager: I actually wouldn't argue with that.

3:13:55 PM Momma: try to keep it between the ditches and have a swashbuckling time. I notice they like to use swashbuckling a LOT on the site. Don't think I've ever seen a swashbuckle.

9:23:43 PM Livia: I have something to tell you.
9:23:50 PM Holly: oh, boy.
9:24:04 PM Livia: I am almost afraid because I know you will come through the screen
9:24:13 PM Livia: and strangle me.
9:24:20 PM Livia: i heard a song on the radio tonight
9:24:29 PM Livia: and i was tapping the beat out on my steering wheel
9:24:37 PM Livia: and i thought to myself, hey, this is really catchy!!
9:24:41 PM Livia: i wonder who it is?
9:24:50 PM Livia: and then the dj came on, and said
9:25:00 PM Livia: "that's the newest from matchbox 20!!"
9:25:06 PM Livia: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH
9:25:07 PM Holly: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
9:25:11 PM Livia: I ALMOST WENT OFF THE ROAD
9:25:14 PM Livia: IN SHAME AND DISGUST.
9:25:46 PM Holly: That same thing has happened to my with a Pussycat Dolls song.
9:25:58 PM Livia: YES, BUT ROB THOMAS.
9:26:21 PM Holly: *weeping at memory of astral stalking*
9:26:41 PM Livia: i know, i actually miss the days when they followed us state to state
9:26:07 PM Holly: This is why we need to revert to a vinyl-based culture. We need white labels to mask our shame.

9:58:55 PM Holly: Did he do any drills
9:59:06 PM Swindle: No. I did beat his first forty time.
9:59:16 PM Holly: THASSRIGHT
9:59:20 PM Swindle: By .08 seconds
9:59:36 PM Swindle: I'm clinging to that.
9:59:56 PM Holly: Everyone has a skill.
10:00:09 PM Swindle: Oh, mine has been established: I won't die.
10:00:30 PM Swindle: I might puke, fall down, and otherwise stumble. But I finish, dammit, no matter how retarded it may look.
10:00:56 PM Holly: Like a sea urchin.
10:01:05 PM Swindle: And about as fast.
10:01:05 PM Holly: (ish)

4:05:53 PM Holly: What the FUCK, Bengals. Ruined my suicide pool.
4:06:06 PM MMP: they're ruining my life
4:06:12 PM Holly: my MONEY suicide pool
4:06:24 PM Holly: and I lost in y'all's suicide pool because of the fucking Texans.
4:06:28 PM Holly: i had a foolproof plan
4:06:28 PM MMP: week 2 right?
4:06:31 PM Holly: Nope
4:06:38 PM Holly: I picked whoever was playing Atlanta, every week.
4:06:45 PM MMP: HAHAHA
4:06:49 PM Holly: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO WORK
4:07:01 PM Holly: who the fuck saw the texans losing to THAT?
4:07:42 PM MMP: yeah, that's the thing, fool
4:07:46 PM MMP: you gotta adjust
4:08:17 PM Holly: It still should have worked.

9:19:09 PM Trey: I'll hatch you.
9:19:10 PM Holly (Autoreply): I Will Not Hatch.
9:21:44 PM Holly: I....OK, that's just weird.
9:21:57 PM Holly: But I almost made an egg tooth joke in response that was so much worse.
9:22:16 PM Trey: I don't even know what that means but I like it.
9:22:37 PM Holly: That little horn that baby lizards are born with so they can poke out of their shells when hatchiing.
9:22:58 PM Trey: Ah, yes...the horn tooth.
9:23:14 PM Trey: I'm sure there are many terrible innuendos to use with that.
9:23:25 PM Holly: Yeah, now you see where I was headed.
9:23:55 PM Trey: Your restraint amazes me.
9:25:00 PM Trey: Its touching and unfortunate all at once.

2:12:15 PM Livia: I had another good idea to get you out of work and to Baton Rouge
2:12:51 PM Livia: Let's stage a 10.5. I'm sure the "Special Effects" "Department" for the "film" would be happy to help us out.
2:13:10 PM Livia: I think this could work.
2:13:21 PM Holly: That's just crazy enough for us to attempt.
2:13:54 PM Livia: Crazy like a President Beau Bridges.
2:15:56 PM Holly: Crazy like Kim Delaney playing a romantic lead.

11:50:18 AM Ben Darling: did she tell you about her new boyfriend?
11:51:07 AM Ben Darling: I'm pretty sure if she doesn't show up for the Halloween marathon that he'll kill himself (and several others)
11:51:23 AM Ben Darling: and I SO want to be there for that
11:51:24 AM Holly: You say that like it'd be the first time.
11:51:40 AM Ben Darling: no, but I do so love a running gag

LEAUL

ENOUGH, Lord!

All right, I don't think I'm venturing too far out on a limb here, but after this? Can we please get a body on Sam Jackson? He's got a movie coming out starring....him, Bernie Mac, and Hayes. I don't feel like it's unreasonable to fear for his safety at this point.

current mood:

This was America, last time I checked.

Really? There's nowhere on the internet where I can get a comprehensive list of active players in the NFL with felony convictions? Come on.

Here's a happy one:

Prothro, graduating. You can't not love this kid.

Not cool, lord.

At all.

The blame for all of this rests entirely on the Large Hadron Collider launch being pushed back to September. The world was supposed to end, nice and tidy! Now Russia and the Dawgs East are shooting each other up, Bernie Mac's dead, and there's a mad outbreak of vampire bats in South America. Are you happy, science?

Required Reading

• MJD hits a niche I can't believe we didn't think of first: NFL players who could survive a shark attack.
• Janie rocks custom kicks in the MIA.
• UCLA's offensive line is charitably compared to a pillow fort, in this week's Corrections.
• And Livia and I share everything. Even HIM.

the strangest thing.

I woke up this morning, and the moment I sat up....ever have those few seconds of incomprehension first thing until you remember you did something horrible the night before? The opposite of that. I felt blissfully content and cared for, like it was December 26th or New Year's Day and I'd just seen everyone I'd ever loved the night before. A sensation like waking up from a really, really really good dream, but I didn't have a dream. I've been riding this wave of unreasonable good spirits all day, tapping into it to run an extra mile, knock out a freelance piece that's not due until October, research a few more grad schools.

And then tonight, seemingly by accident, with one chance word I found myself swapping uncharacteristic emotional outpourings, apologies, and laying out every transgression (and lo, they are myriad) with someone I've been wronging pretty consistently for months now (he totally started it), someone way too unbelievably important to risk losing, someone whom I'm far better off sinning with than against. And now that we're back and the world is good and green again, I'm left drained but serene, like I've had what my mother would call A Good Cry.

It is August, so I should know better than to really be rocked by any of this. Four years ago, Allais and I would've clinked glasses and raised a toast to The Stars' latest bender. Maybe this morning's euphoria was just a system shock in the right direction, a hint of how much more joyously I could be existing if I just set this one chain of events back to rights. Or maybe my brain, emitting that Hitchhiker's Guide noise that signifies just how far you are from home, knew I needed a spiritual cuddle after last week.

Or maybe it's some sort of neurotoxin. It's still August.

In which Momma browses EDSBS and doesn't care for Robert Trent Jones.

From: [Momma]
Date: August 6, 2008 6:51:33 AM PDT
To: [Holly]
Subject: p.s.

I don't like the golf course ad.
Any fool who thinks ANY golf course in ALABAMA is better the ANY golf course in Scotland needs a Bama Bubba Brain Boost. These rednecks obviously have NEVER been to a golf course in Scotland, unlike those of us who've actually been on the Old Course at St. Andrews.
(Did I tell you that I spent part of a summer in Scotland, following my time in Cornwall?)
Like anyone would go to Alabama on purpose.

One and only one thing to recommend Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, which I saw last night:

There's a continuity error near the very end where it looks like some guy drowns while the four girls are merrily splashing away next to a rocky cliff. There, you've seen the movie.

Smell like naked foreign ladies!

Over at Consumption, Cara finds some stuff in the mall that makes her smell like a Marrakesh stripper. (I'm paraphrasing here, but not much.)

laff-riot-ish

Breaking down the AP Top 25 with Commandant Swindle. I almost made it the whole hour without making a Charles Woodson joke.

THE HELL WITH YOU, TIMEWARNER.

Thank you, dear people who offered gadgetry and hacking suggestions in the previous thread. I researched them all, then did some digging on the box itself (hush, now), and that's where I hit the wall: Yes, as rumored, the USB ports on the box are both disabled. No, not as rumored, the FireWire ports are NOT enabled. Not for external drives, portable players, nothing. The hell?

So after a couple very entertaining phone calls to TW, and some patient explanation on the part of Brian (thanks, brah), I'm doing what I should've done in the first place, and ditching this Motorola goodfornothing'ceptkicking DH3416 for Tivo, and encouraging the fellas to do the same. Right now I'm shelling out $16.50 a month in rental fees for this contraption on top of my cable bill, so this thing ought to pay for itself by the time the season's over.

A cry for help that ought to get me slapped:

Help. Slight emergency on the horizon: I've been a professional computer-type person for going on two years now, but I don't have the first f'ing clue how to operate a DVR. I just got digital cable for the first time, and it comes with a fake Tivo. All I want to do is record games this fall and get them onto my laptop. Somehow. How do I do this? I read someplace extremely unhelpful that only the branded Tivos can do direct box-to-computer transferring. Do I need to shell out for that, or a separate DVD burner, or is there some way to sock the footage from my normal DVR right onto an external drive? Anyone? This is all in the name of having wicked new video features on EDSBS this fall, so step up for humanity, nerds, and help your sister out.

ripped from the headlines

Artwork on display today:

• When Athletes Blog: Manny Ramirez [PtF]
• Jimmy Clausen, American Outlaw [EDSBS]

there but for the grace of _____

Whenever I have a rough day, frustrating meeting, busted third act, whatever, I hit the road. This has a different effect out here than it used to at home. Instead of speeding around windy back roads with no one but the stereo for company, distraction comes in the form of focusing on not being run off the road by a few dozen other speeding vehicles in the immediate vicinity. Sunday was the end of maybe the worst week I can remember since I moved out here, and bound and determined to drive until there was no one else around, I accidentally wound up barreling through the ranch where we did all our shooting at [DAY JOB REDACTED].

And when I think about all the hours of my life I wasted trying to make Tejon look a little less like Tattooine on your televisions...five torpedoed pitches in one morning doesn't seem quite so tragic.

Yeah, I remember the first time I got shot out of a cannon.

I've been blowing through my Cameron collection in helpless anticipation of Avatar and Alita. Today it's True Lies. I had completely forgotten this:

Brand identity with a bitch-ass attitude.

Our little lifestyle project flourishes in obscurity. Sleep like me! [Consumption]

Laff Riot 80: If they ask you how this happened, say I forced you into this

9:00:48 PM PB: where is agrauraua hills
9:00:57 PM Holly: About an hour north.
9:01:14 PM Holly: They have tarantulas! Like, running around! I poked one with a stick!
9:01:31 PM PB: BOO.
9:01:39 PM Holly: They're kinda cute!
9:01:51 PM Holly: it was just sitting there in the middle of the horse trail
9:01:56 PM Holly: I hopped down and started messing with it
9:02:00 PM Holly: and it gave me this look
9:02:17 PM Holly: Like, "It's a hundred and ten goddamn degrees out here and I'M COVERED IN FUR."

12:38:55 PM Holly: Life shore is funny sometimes.
12:39:02 PM Swindle: FUCK YOU
12:39:22 PM Swindle: Sorry, it's my instant response to anything folksy not involving a sodomy joke

7:02:09 PM Livia: i just made a purple cobra sound in appreciation.
7:37:02 PM Livia: i love watching the realization of their imperfection dawn on the alabama fans.
7:37:15 PM Holly: It's so not over
7:37:20 PM Holly: you see the end of the game last week?
7:37:22 PM Livia: I know
7:37:24 PM Livia: BUT
7:37:36 PM Livia: their fans are slowly figuring out that nick saban is not bear bryant
7:37:39 PM Livia: and it is extremely enjoyable
7:37:45 PM Livia: even though i still want them to win
7:38:29 PM Holly: What's a bylaw?
7:38:45 PM Livia: sean has started using the white goodman voice all the time now
7:38:51 PM Holly: bawwwww
7:39:05 PM Livia: what the hell (knocking soda and hot dog out of child's hands)

1:07:53 PM 'Bus: Glad to hear you survived
1:07:54 PM Holly (Autoreply): earthquake WHEEEEEEE
1:08:07 PM Holly: That SUCKED.
1:08:37 PM 'Bus: Well, at least now you can claim real LA cred.
1:08:38 PM 'Bus: Sorta.
1:08:51 PM Holly: I'm street!
1:09:54 PM 'Bus: Except the fact that you could have followed that statement with "*wiggle*" and it would not have been unlike you.
1:10:15 PM Holly: I'm STREET [flounce]

10:26:59 PM Holly: I just got a google hit for "animal holly edsbs". Every day, a little death.
10:27:27 PM S2N: hmmmm....someone confused their college football fixation with a possible fetish
10:27:36 PM S2N: that's the only explanation I've got for that one.
10:27:54 PM S2N: for every bad combination of search terms, someone has already created a fetish site for it
10:28:15 PM Holly: That ought to be some sort of scientific law, named after you.
10:29:57 PM S2N: it will be issued in the Google Edition of the Internet Bible
10:31:25 PM S2N: naturally there are competing editions -- the Microsoft Edition omits Netscape from its background; paints Yahoo in a very poor light. scholars find this one unreliable.

7:41:21 PM Livia: we should move to germany
7:41:30 PM Livia: they pay teachers 70 thousand dollars a year!
7:42:04 PM Livia: downside? they regard you as permanent workers, which means you get insured, but also that germany thinks they own you, which rarely ends well.
7:42:26 PM Holly: But if we like them, isn't it just like having a very strict sugar daddy?
7:43:02 PM Livia: but enjoy the vintage wine and beautiful women!
7:44:07 PM Livia: THROW TO THE ZONE DAMN YOU.

12:26:01 PM Holly: You know how in jurassic park the female dinos spontaneously changed sex to be able to breed?
12:26:18 PM Holly: Life finds a way. If Miami won't U up again, somebody else has to to reset the Florida equilibrium.

3:45:40 PM PB: Did you just nudge me??
3:45:44 PM Holly: ...NO
3:45:48 PM Holly: ....maybe.
3:45:54 PM PB: twitter: Nastinchka nudged you to update your Twitter. You can do that by replying to this message.
3:46:07 PM Holly: Oh, I thought it was just like a facebook poke.
3:46:12 PM Holly: I didn't know it encouraged you to do shit.
3:46:14 PM PB: Sorta is
3:46:18 PM Holly: OBEY THE TWITTER
3:46:34 PM PB: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? TELL THE WORLD.
3:46:53 PM Holly: I AM SO IMPORTANT
3:46:57 PM Holly: EVERYONE WANTS TO KNOW
3:47:23 PM PB: THE OTHER 12 PROGRAMS ON THE INTERWEBS THAT UPDATE MY STATUS DON'T CAPTURE ENOUGH OF MY DAY
3:47:49 PM Holly: BUT THIS ONE DOES IT FROM my PHONE

12:35:48 PM Holly: We just had us a earthquake
12:35:55 PM Princess PrettyPants: JESUS
12:36:04 PM Holly: and your "And Sutekh Smiled" picture frame you gave me fell off the shelf and cracked
12:36:16 PM Princess PrettyPants: its like california knows casey is there and it wants him out
12:36:22 PM Holly: Right?

5:21:48 PM Livia: When I inevitably start my own charter school, do you think we could co-teach Spite?
5:22:04 PM Holly: Can we call me a spiteist in residence?

10:04:08 AM Holly: What speech affectations do we do for a crocodile?
10:04:18 AM Holly: How does one phoneticize crunching bone?
10:04:29 AM Swindle: CRICKKKCLELLLDDDDCCCCKKKKKSNAP!
10:04:47 AM Holly: bravo.

12:56:16 PM Barstoolio: SHOCKEY! This is the ultimate in awesome tawdriness.
12:56:26 PM Barstoolio: HIDE YOUR STRIPPERS, LOUISIANA!
12:59:06 PM Barstoolio: The best part of this is when his posse ferrets him away from a fight on an AIR BOAT.

6:42:32 PM Momma: he taught himself to be fluent in Spanish during the last fews years so he could communicate with the hordes of immigrants at your former school
6:42:48 PM Holly: HOW NICE. Now he can scare small children in their native tongue.
6:42:51 PM Momma: don't get me started on him.
6:43:06 PM Holly: I know better.
6:43:26 PM Momma: every time he crosses my path, I snub him with great aplomb.
6:43:33 PM Holly: GOOD.
6:43:37 PM Momma: not that he notices, but it meets my emotional needs.

9:00:50 PM Holly: But that's my only defense. Anyway, you were right--it doth rock.
9:01:05 PM PB: What doth rock?
9:01:11 PM PB: The movie?
9:01:12 PM Holly: the...movie?
9:01:26 PM PB: Did I say it was gonna rock?
9:01:41 PM Holly: You said it looked kinda awesome, I said I could not be paid to see it
9:02:02 PM PB: Ah, excellent! My instincts are incorrigible!
9:02:04 PM Holly: Um, I mean I KNEW IT
9:02:05 PM Holly: YEAH
9:02:07 PM Holly: YOU WERE WRONG
9:02:23 PM PB: I can always tell these things.
9:02:25 PM Holly: I never take advantage and rewrite our history the way I think I really could.
9:02:31 PM Holly: You would never know.
9:02:48 PM PB: I have good instincts!
9:03:01 PM Holly: Oh, Crackers.

3:57:23 PM Holly: come on, turtledarlings.
3:57:58 PM Livia: put wake forest into the deadlights.

6:14:28 PM Holly: in the continuation of the wheel of Holly's brain lasers
6:14:34 PM Holly: Someone slashed _______'s tires
6:14:38 PM Holly: Like, FLAT flat.
6:14:38 PM PB: !!
6:14:43 PM Holly: And I've been in this chair all day
6:14:50 PM Holly: Seriously, what else can I do?
6:14:56 PM PB: lol
6:15:03 PM Holly: I'm staring at my hands like a nascent superhero in an origin story
6:15:16 PM PB: Remind me to stay on your good side
6:15:18 PM Holly: This seems like
6:15:31 PM Holly: I was just saying this seems like the kind of thing that can't be used for good.
6:15:46 PM PB: By all means

11:30:51 AM Swindle: have you ever seen a vertical treadmill?
11:32:51 AM Swindle: I lasted ten minutes on one once.
11:32:59 AM Swindle: I couldn't pick up a pencil afterwards
11:33:06 AM Holly: I guess it'd be good for kids, practicing so close to the ground
11:33:14 AM Holly: if determined to mold them into mtn goats
11:33:30 AM Swindle: Oh, my kids are going to climb.
11:33:35 AM Swindle: I won't even have to tell them to.
11:33:42 AM Swindle: I'll just have to ask them to wear a rope.
11:33:53 AM Holly: And a helmet cam.
11:34:08 AM Holly: "RAYRAY COLQUITT MANNING, THIS IS FOR posTERity!! SMILE GODDAMMIT"
11:34:24 AM Swindle: "COME ON, STEVEN ORR SWINDLE HALL!"

7:55:24 PM Livia: Major Applewhite has made some sort of deal with the devil.
7:55:33 PM Holly: Jesus, Applewhite
7:56:12 PM Livia: If they win this game, Shula should just send Nick Saban a note that says "You're Welcome".
7:57:14 PM Livia: Then he should parade through the streets of Tuscaloosa on an elephant.
7:57:56 PM Holly: I think you mean "Wednesday".

12:56:45 PM Holly: I looooved Rodriguez. Shades and all. Having him at freaking Michigan is going to be painful and odd.
12:58:35 PM Swindle: What do your relatives think of Stewart?
12:59:03 PM Holly: There's a hard age gap
12:59:12 PM Holly: The old people like him and think Rodriguez is a punk
12:59:51 PM Holly: The young'uns want to hit the AD and his sidekick until candy falls out

9:54:23 PM Holly: OK, interrupt: I'm watching Shark Week
9:54:30 PM Holly: and this guy has something like a fire extinguisher
9:54:49 PM Holly: and it releases a foam int he event of a shark attack that's supposed to "irritate" a shark.
9:54:56 PM Holly: WHO WANTS TO IRRITATE AN ATTACKING SHARK?
9:55:04 PM Spawn: this could not possibly sound like a worse idea.
9:55:21 PM Holly: Unless the foam were made from live fish.
9:55:36 PM Spawn: live fish compressed and stored in a fire extinguisher
9:55:25 PM Spawn: is the next shot of him getting torn to pieces by a frustrated shark?
9:56:41 PM Holly: When life hands you lemon sharks...

He's my QB, Pa. I'll do it.

I'm not going to cover any new ground here (NOT THAT IT'S STOPPED ME BEFORE), but just to put this in perspective: I've never really had any feelings about Brett Favre. At all. He's just....there, like an accent table. I am completely uninterested in the fortunes of any NFC team unless they're facing mine in February. Once the Packers started advancing through the playoffs last year, though, the coverage got old fast (LIKE HIM AND HIS LIMBS). January 2008:

Livia: I mean, how do you not root for Favre? Or Eli? Because let's be honest: it is the only chance either of them is ever going to have.
Nastinchka: I'm finding it pretty damn easy not to root for Favre, just so I don't have to hear the word "gunslinger" ever again. I just want his boyish heart of a champion to go live on a farm and chase squirrels.

NOW I'm happy. I'm wild with exuberance that he didn't get traded, and will be able to throw gamebreaking interceptions and lumber all over his legacy from the comfort of his home stadium. The whole thing reminds me of the "elitist" slanders being slung around in the 2004 election--"Oh, John Kerry's bike cost eight thousand dollars and Bush's cost five thousand, and THAT MEANS HE'S A MAN OF THE PEOPLE." Favre is not Just Folks. He's not down-home. He's a peacock like all the rest, a creature raised on the fat teat of Middle American idolatry who couldn't take one offseason of eyes trained on his backup. Hating Favre doesn't put me in a particularly small club, but this came out of NOWHERE. I can't emphasize enough how NEVER this guy has crossed my radar over the last sixteen years, but I can't be the only fan whose complete disinterest has turned to outright contempt over this rigamarole.

FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW FOOBAW (ish)

Aaaaaah. It's like a warm blanket. That smells like bourbon. Ever since Madden spent five minutes of airtime comparing Andy Reid to Ben Franklin, I've paid closer attention to the HoF game. I'm not looking forward to hearing the hand-wringing over Peyton's knee, but...it's football. Kinda. (Also, with Sorgi in at QB1, there is a legitimate chance of seeing Jared Lorenzen play. It's like the football equivalent of watching Crocodile 2: Death Swamp*, which I am absolutely not watching right now to kill time until the pregame show. Not at all.)

*This statement should not be taken as an indictment of Sorgi, whom I adore, to such a degree that I once coerced a certain well-known sports blogger into banning a commenter who mocked him in a conversation completely unrelated to the Colts. It's just that watching Jared Lorenzen play professional football is like watching a circus bear ride a tricycle around in a sawdust pit, and that, friends and neighbors, is Good Television.

Awww, how'd I never write about Wall-E?

Didn't you just want this shot to go on forever?

Required Reading

• Corrections. [Holly, EDSBS]
• Like a Margarita. But for your face. [Joan, Consumption]