Snarkastic

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 5--Relax, Justin; it's just a cutout.

We very nearly gave up on this after Florida, but where Week 4 knocked us down, Week 5 hardens our hearts. Welcome back. We hate the new clock rules (isn't that convenient for us? And the clock!); we hate Sam Bradford and his -azer O-Line, and we've steeled our resolve to keep on laughing right through the looking glass. Presented by ESPN8: The Ocho...let's dance. ~H.

Written by Livia
Illustrated by Nastinchka

I am proud to present the First Annual GloboGym Purple Cobras Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 4&5 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of highly-trained, quasi-cultural personal alterational specialists. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include blown-glass unicorns, fuckin' Chuck Norris, Ouchtown Population You, poopy-flavored lollipops, low-grade beaver tranquilizers, and Coach Fitness Consigliere Me'Shell.

It's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian.

1) Oklahoma
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Here at SoonerGym, we're better than you, and we know it. Bradford's 411 yards and four touchdowns put him at the front of the Heisman race (for now). I saw his face for the first time this weekend, and even though he looks like a 46 year old anesthesiologist from South Dakota, I still think he is a QB to be respected and feared. He's the face for this team, but make no mistake: he is surrounded by ferocious talent. They ARE the Oklahoma Purple Cobras, and they will--they WILL--rock you!! (clap-clap-HISSSSSS)

2) Missouri
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: The AP has Alabama in front of Mizzou? That is pure poppycock! Chase Crawford might not be as svelte and sexy as John Parker Wilson, but all I know is, that dyke can play!

3) Alabama
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Okay, I admit it; Alabama looks damn strong...for the big games. But they are just as vulnerable to the phenomenon known as overlooking as any other team in the country. They did it in week 2 after dominating Clemson and almost lost to Tulane. TULANE, aka the child the SEC collectively gave up for adoption. (Go Green Wave!) I don't think they're stupid enough to make this mistake against Tennessee in a few weeks, nor do I think we could capitalize even if they did, but it's nice to think about, isn't it? Regardless, that LSU-Bama game looms like the Death Star on the horizon.

NICK SABAN: [gazing towards Death Valley] In thirty days I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap you call a stadium into permanent nothingness. And I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your fan base, are inside it when I do.

4) Texas
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Dignity, pride, athleticism...you name it, the Texas Longhorns took it from the Arkansas Razorbacks this weekend. Colt McCoy gave Bobby Petrino exactly the kind of welcome back to the NCAA that he deserves. With the Horns outscoring opponents 198-36 this season, I think it's appropriate to afford them this number four spot.

5) LSU
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Let's give Croom some credit; the man went into one of the most hostile environments in college football, coached against a man most closely resembling Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, and managed to have his struggling team play the LSU Tigers very closely for sixty minutes. Well done.

LES MILES: This is it, La 'Loser.' You ready for the, whoo, hurricane?
SYLVESTER CROOM: Just don't go cryin' to your mommy when I spank you in front of all these people, Les.
LES MILES: [insanely, gutturally] You don't go cryin' to your daddy after I wipe it up with your face.

6) Penn State
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: I am no fan of the Nittany Lions after the righteous beat down they put on Tennessee a few years ago, and I regret to inform you that JoePa&Co are making a bit of a comeback. This is largely due to Derrick Williams, who is like some kind of touchdown-scoring robot sent back from 2087 to save the inventor who will one day create the titanium-enforced trampoline legs that he runs on. Penn State should be producing nerd biochemists and violin prodigies, not men who score touchdowns three different ways in one game (kickoff return, TD reception, TD run).

JOE PATERNO: Are you reading the dictionary?
DERRICK WILLIAMS: Oh, you caught me. I like to break a mental sweat too.

7) Texas Tech
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: The College Football Fates like the freaky stuff, huh? That's cool. I can be naughty, too. Real, freaky naughty. With a winnable schedule ahead (KState, Nebraska, A&M), Tech could be staying here for awhile. They're a bit boring, though, so here's hoping for a galvanizing upset in the next few weeks.

8) BYU
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: You're adopted! Your parents don't even love you! Clearly, BYU does not quite fit in with the other teams in this poll, in terms of talent (Bronco Mendenhall, awesome name notwithstanding, is no Pete Carroll) or atmosphere (Lavell Edwards Stadium does not Death Valley make). I cannot wait to drop them out of this poll, back into the obscurity they so richly deserve...I mean...Go Cougars! (You're going down like a sweet muffin.)

9) South Florida
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Last I heard, most football teams make money. Your team doesn't. Most teams are worth over $4 million. Your team isn't worth $4. We have shareholders. You haven't even got cup holders. I honestly didn't even know Matt Grothe was still at South Florida, but know that I do, I guess I think they have a legitimate chance to do this year what they did last year? I guess? (LIKE A SWEET MUFFIN.)

10) Utah
PEPPER BROOKS SAYS: Utah in the Top 10? That guy making the polls must be crazy! Well, I ain't crazy, and I ain't a guy. Utah--no losses, some impressive wins. USC--ridiculous loss. Florida--ridiculous loss at home. Georgia--blowout loss at home. Utah it is!!

MISC.

USC
This was a SHOCKING upset! I feel SHOCKED!

KIRK HERBSTREIT: If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a humiliating upset.
PETE CARROLL: [laughing, smiling] What?
[Herbstreit throws wrench at Carroll; it hits him full in the face]

I wouldn't put them back in the polls this week for all of King Midas' silver! Of course, they'll still be USC in a legal sense...still lauded without any merit by the National Sportscasters Named Chet Association, still overrated and allowed to stay in the TOP TEN even after a ridiculous defeat to a clearly inferior team. But you're not quite the same team that was guaranteed a BCS Title Bid, are you? Well, good luck to you, Pete. I'm sure this decision to play the team that upset you so memorably a season ago won't haunt you forever.

Florida
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel. But never in all my years as a sportscaster have I witnessed something as improbable, as impossible, as what we've witnessed here today! HOUSTON NUTT CAME INTO THE SWAMP. AND WON. AGAINST TIM TEBOW.

LEE CORSO: If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a humiliating upset.
TIM TEBOW: [nervously, but willingly] Here I go!

Your "team" is a skidmark on the underpants of society. That being said, I feel very conflicted about this game. While it obviously pleases me deeply to see a beaten-down team like Ole Miss reap the karma whirlwind that is Houston Nutt, and it makes my soul glow to see the Swamp silenced and made to despair, it also really pains me that I wish OUR quarterback would come out of the locker room after a loss like that with tears in his eyes and guarantee the fans that this will only motivate them and make them stronger, and then APOLOGIZE to them. I hate and love Tim Tebow for making me feel this.

HOUSTON NUTT: I really believe that we can win this game. I'm not intimidated.
URBAN MEYER: Go ahead, make your jokes, Mr. Jokey... Joke-maker. But let me hit you with some knowledge. Quit now. Save yourself the embarrassment of sucking with these suckers in the Swamp.
HOUSTON NUTT: Alliteration aside, I'll take my chances in the SEC.
URBAN MEYER: Yeah, you will take your chances.
HOUSTON NUTT: I know. I just said that.
URBAN MEYER: I know you just said that.
HOUSTON NUTT: Okay, I'm not sure where you're going with this.
URBAN MEYER: Well, I'm not sure where *you're* going with this.
HOUSTON NUTT: That's what I said.
URBAN MEYER: That's what I'm saying to *you*.
HOUSTON NUTT: All right.
URBAN MEYER: ...Touche.

Georgia
Suck failure, freaks. Prepare to be humiliated on cable television!

CHRIS FOWLER: I'm being told that Georgia does not have enough quality players and will be forfeiting the match.
KIRK HERBSTREIT: It's a bold strategy, Chris. Let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Everything I have been predicting since the Sugar Bowl has come to pass. Georgia fell behind and immediately became so frustrated that the Dawgs dug themselves into a 31 point hole at halftime. One thing I will say, though, is that the Georgia fans really shocked me by staying to the end. When they were losing by 6 in the fourth quarter of the Cocktail Party two years ago, they were leaving in droves and telling those of us still cheering to give up because it was over. This is a pleasant, if brief, change of pace. I expect them to return to normal during their next loss. Unfortunately, I am pretty sure I won't be next weekend when Tennessee travels to Athens. Still, CRAM IT UP YOUR CRAMHOLE, GEORGIA.

STAFFORD: Look on the bright side, at least we've still got Knowshon!
GREEN: Yeah, but Saban's got guys named Laser, and Blazer, and Tazer, and all kinds of "azer's"! We're going to get our taints handed to us, that's what!
STAFFORD: [Whispers to Moreno] What's a taint?
MORENO: I don't know, but it sounds *bad*!

Maryland
My sweet dick, it's magic! Maryland has completed TWO beautifully stunning upsets against Top 25 opponents, and it's not even October yet! As a matter of fact, we'd be undefeated right now if Jordan Steffy hadn't been knocked out of the MTSU game and an unprepared Chris Turner hadn't been forced back under center. Now that he's settled in, it is glorious!! Just so we're clear: Tommy Bowden--Frankenstein, Chris Turner--FrankenFINE.

Clemson put up much more of a fight than they did against the Tide, and scared the jeepers out of me in the process. I feel sorry for Clemson, but still...FEAR THE TURTLE.

CHRIS TURNER: [outside his house] Livia? What are you doing here? How do you know where I live?
ME: It's called the Freedom of Information Act, Chris. The hippies finally got something right! Ha-ha! Just kidding. But not really.

Colorado
ME: Ralphiiiie! I love you!
BOBBY BOWDEN: [viciously] JOANIE LOVES CHACHI!

Okay, so THE MAJESTIC BUFFALO dropped one. It's not the end of the world. It will, however, be the end of the world if they lose against Texas and Oklahoma in the coming weeks.

Tennessee
NICK STEPHENS: You need some help leaving, Crompton?
JONATHAN CROMPTON: This doesn't concern you, Stephens.
NICK STEPHENS: Not nearly as much as your passing does, that's for sure, but uh, I believe the fan base asked you to leave.
JONATHAN CROMPTON: (turning towards fans) I get it, you caught the scent of a lesser stag in your nostrils. Pity. To be continued.

I don't even know what to say about the way our season has imploded, except that the entire fan base (including me) believes it to be Crompton's fault. Even if you remove your own emotions from it and do the math, it sill rings true. EVERYTHING comes back to his poor decision-making capacity. Inevitable turnover inside your own 5? Check. Inevitable turnover in the red zone? Check. Inevitable fewer than 40% of passes completed? Check. And will someone catch a goddamn ball? It's like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there! I'm curious, is it strictly apathy, or do you really not have a goal in life? Come on, Foster, I got better runs in my shorts!

FULMER: Yeah, uh, Clawson... are you sure that having Crompton throw on third and ten is completely necessary?
CLAWSON: Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?
FULMER: Probably not.
CLAWSON: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste.
FULMER: ...Okay.

Don't think you're getting off the hook here, Clawson. Your offense might have worked for the Richmond Spiders. The 2008 Tennessee Volunteers are not the Richmond Spiders. I mean this as a compliment toward the Richmond Spiders. Richmond Spiders.

Sure do like pumpkin, Cotton.

More fun than watching the economy collapse on teevee:

• (OK, except for this one) "A sublime actor and a good man." Beautiful Newman obit.
• Seriously, who made this? I'd like to buy you a beer (and marry you off to Spawn).
• More Ebie.
• Barney Frank, Yelly.
• How DOES one fence a tank, exactly?
• Presented without comment.

'pated

The Twitter sidebar contraption had to come down. I don't know what was wrong with it, but instead of showing my feed or the feeds of my friends it was just updates from this guy, over and over. He seems perfectly nice, but I don't know him or why his Twitter was malfunctioning into mine. ('Box's is doing the same thing.) So if you want to hang on my EVERY MOVE AND THOUGHT because I am VERY FAMOUS AND IMPORTANT, you'll have to do it here.

ARPOCALYPSE, cont'd

We could've done this all day, honestly.

Laff Riot 94: Love is a many-splendored motherfucker

10:53:10 AM Nastinchka: oh my god, it is a high school game
10:53:22 AM Swindle: Houston Nutt, continuing to go deep in the Fayetteville high playbook
10:55:05 AM Swindle: Okay, let's keep track: redzone calls.
10:55:12 AM Swindle: 1. Fumblerooski
10:55:16 AM Swindle: 2. Halfback pass
10:56:12 AM Nastinchka: This is fun!
10:56:28 AM Swindle: 3. false start
10:56:48 AM Swindle: 4. Snead plays grabbit
10:57:01 AM Nastinchka: statue of liberty
10:57:26 AM Swindle: 5. delay of game
10:59:09 AM Swindle: 6. Snead throws to invisible ghost of Archie manning open in deep left third
10:59:47 AM Swindle: 7. Fail Mary
10:59:48 AM Nastinchka: OK, it took me until 4 to realize you weren't listing what was actually happening
10:59:51 AM Nastinchka: it's that plausible

11:03:09 AM PB: OTTER!
11:03:24 AM PB: Or beaver! Something CUTE. On my balcony!
11:22:34 AM Nastinchka: OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER OTTER (what is an otter doing on dry land on the second floor of a building? WHO CARES)
11:24:27 AM PB: Sending you camera phone picture of otter. Hard to see what it is, but trust me, it's a cute otter or beaver or something
11:31:36 AM Nastinchka: AWWW CUTE FURRY THING ON MY PHONE

9:46:06 AM Swindle: HA. Indiana's qb called for a late hit on an INT return
9:46:10 AM Nastinchka: LOLOL
9:46:21 AM Swindle: You threw the pick, and then you give them 15
9:47:08 AM Nastinchka: That's OUR play!
9:47:17 AM Nastinchka: I have to admire that

10:38:17 PM Swindle: I just said this to Peter, but this was Eagle Eye
10:38:33 PM Swindle: A disembodied female voice called Mike Riley and said
10:38:43 PM Swindle: "YOU HAVE TO BEAT USC OR YOU WILL DIE"
10:38:45 PM Nastinchka: There's not a lot of other explanation
10:38:59 PM Swindle: "They're controlling the offensive line, the secondary...it's uncanny."

9:48:08 AM Nastinchka: I would LOVE to see somebody following Nutt around filming him in 60 fps
9:48:11 AM Nastinchka: like a hummingbird
9:48:23 AM Swindle: fast!

6:24:31 PM Nastinchka: "Look at our records"
6:24:41 PM Nastinchka: LOOK AT THE GUY VOTING IN LINE WITH THE PRESIDENT 96% of the time!
6:28:41 PM Nastinchka: I'm sorry, was the question "recite your entire platform?" I stepped out for a drink
6:29:01 PM PB: I knew there was a reason I skipped all these during the primaries

9:53:31 AM Nastinchka: oh, for the love of
9:53:33 AM Swindle: They run the old Peyton naked boot
9:53:50 AM Nastinchka: the reason you call it naked is bc your qb looks like a fetus in a jar
9:53:56 AM Nastinchka: which is also why they named it after Peyton
9:54:18 AM Swindle: Officially nervous
9:54:47 AM Nastinchka: we're going to need synonyms for bat country before too long

10:27:15 AM Swindle: It's a shame you can't use the word "shitty" on network television.
10:27:28 AM Swindle: It would be so apt for that punt
10:29:03 AM Swindle: Our o-line is the stupidest o-line ever to o-lineerate
10:29:15 AM Nastinchka: I'ma stitch that onna pillow
10:29:27 AM Nastinchka: Or a sampler over the locker room door: "Bless this mess."

10:45:22 AM Swindle: Duck...duck....goose!
10:45:25 AM Nastinchka: tag!
10:45:31 AM Swindle: If you're going to go offsides, go big, son

4:25:31 PM Nastinchka: Marking calendar.
4:25:44 PM Nastinchka: Because holy hell, you are going to need either armed backup or a documentarian
4:27:22 PM Princess PrettyPants: maybe i shouldnt go
4:29:36 PM Nastinchka: I think you should wait till May like the plan says.
4:30:30 PM Nastinchka: Also, is lupus the thing that turns you into a werewolf? because it would really explain a lot.

10:48:29 AM Swindle: If they're actually in rhythm now, look for them to put Ole Miss through seven tortures in in the second half, each more perverse than the next.
10:48:42 AM Swindle: 'Fesser is in Clemson
10:49:38 AM Swindle: He said that if Mangino made a porno with Friedgen, he'd "have to watch it in a Lovecraftian spirit."
10:51:19 AM Swindle: You've been Gerg'd!
10:52:48 AM Nastinchka: it needs another syllable
10:52:51 AM Nastinchka: Gergx0red

6:40:17 PM PB: No - I was saying that to McCain: "We cannot have a losing failing thing that loses things that fail."
6:40:30 PM Nastinchka: notice the operative FAIL word FAIL
6:41:02 PM PB: This would be so much more interesting if there were producers who stamped large "FAIL" graphics across the screen when McCain talks.
6:42:02 PM PB: Like, when he says 'Maverick,' they bleep it out and show a picture of a dead ducklet. FAIL
6:42:20 PM Nastinchka: Don't bring the ducklets into this, sadist

11:08:08 AM Nastinchka: "If success doesn't come to you very quickly you get frustrated sometimes."
11:08:12 AM Nastinchka: >...are they talking about Syracuse?
11:08:29 AM Swindle: Yes
11:08:35 AM Swindle: I told you this was magic
11:11:37 AM Swindle: I love it when they catch Dave reading off the cheat sheet he keeps in his lap
11:11:52 AM Nastinchka: Life's simple pleasures

11:15:35 AM Nastinchka: Duke scores!
11:19:01 AM Nastinchka: DUKE PICK!
11:19:02 AM Nastinchka: WOOOOO
11:19:44 AM Nastinchka: Cutcliffe Second Half Adjustment Apparatus is quite operational
11:20:07 AM Swindle: Green laser; first down.
11:21:31 AM Nastinchka: Duke is bowl-bound.
11:21:33 AM Nastinchka: Write it down.
11:21:38 AM Swindle: I'm with you
11:21:58 AM Swindle: I call onside
11:22:35 AM Nastinchka: DUDE
11:22:39 AM Nastinchka: Duke touchdown
11:22:59 AM Nastinchka: That's no moon
11:23:02 AM Nastinchka: it's a space station

6:58:13 PM Nastinchka: KIss. KISS. KISS YOU FUCKING PEACOCKS
6:59:47 PM PB: The only thing that could rescue this is if a spirit-broken Sarah Palin bull-rushed the stage, screaming "STREEEEAAAAKKK!", drunk on pure corn liquor.
7:02:35 PM PB: Wazirostan: The New Afghanistan!
7:02:44 PM Nastinchka: Is that a board in Mario Kart?
7:02:52 PM PB: totally is
7:03:00 PM Nastinchka: KISS, GOD DAMN YOU BOTH
7:04:54 PM Nastinchka: oh my god peter he's so old
7:05:37 PM PB: Him + Palin = first time ever I don't cringe when people say, "I'm leaving if these two win."
7:05:48 PM Nastinchka: I hear ya
7:08:23 PM Nastinchka: achmehkwslfjhalksgahjad
7:08:47 PM PB: "As an aside, Jim, it's hard to say Achjemadjaezdjad with a softball sewn into your cheek."
7:10:17 PM Nastinchka: Johnny Mac on the mic like a vandal
7:19:28 PM Nastinchka: Russia is gonna be in soooo much trouble when its father gets home.

11:56:02 AM Swindle: I hate this offense.
11:56:04 AM Swindle: I repeate
11:56:10 AM Swindle: IN olde englishe
11:56:19 AM Nastinchka: yea, verily, motherfucker
11:56:34 AM Nastinchka: I almost feel bad for them, that's how bad it is
11:56:42 AM Nastinchka: This is very nearly tipping my hate index

7:24:25 AM Nastinchka: oh, man.
7:24:38 AM Nastinchka: I got up at 5:30 and jacked the air down even more cause it was like 85
7:24:44 AM Nastinchka: and now it's too cold to get out of bed
7:24:50 AM PB: I've done that before
7:24:51 AM PB: Many times
7:24:56 AM Nastinchka: and I need to be in the shower in six minutes if I want to be at work on time.
7:25:02 AM PB: Cover separation anxiety is paralyzing.
7:25:13 AM Nastinchka: I'm like, tryyyying to stick a leg out
7:25:19 AM Nastinchka: but it's just not happening.
7:25:23 AM PB: Be careful.
7:25:32 AM Nastinchka: COLD COLDCOLD PORCELAIN FLOOR
7:25:34 AM Nastinchka: fuck THAT
7:25:34 AM PB: You could try The Drape n Run move.
7:25:42 AM Nastinchka: no, comforter too heavy.
7:25:45 AM PB: Hmm
7:26:02 AM PB: You're stuck with a naked plunge then. Scary.
7:26:11 AM Nastinchka: *whimper*
7:28:00 AM Nastinchka: OW
7:28:09 AM Nastinchka: OK, I somehow managed to tweak my Achilles
7:28:11 AM Nastinchka: IN BED
7:28:13 AM PB: Wow
7:28:21 AM Nastinchka: It's a sign. Calling in sick.

11:57:50 AM Nastinchka: Duke 24, UVa 3
11:57:51 AM Nastinchka: haHA
11:59:10 AM Nastinchka: And Maryland ahead by 3!
11:59:22 AM Swindle: I called that one, at least
11:59:39 AM Nastinchka: turtlefearengeschmeltzsang
11:59:55 AM Swindle: Why? Because Tommy Bowden got a bitch mentality

5:34:31 PM Nastinchka: not any particular testament to my awesomeness
5:34:32 PM PB: Great greatness
5:34:34 PM Nastinchka: but I STILL GET IT
5:34:38 PM Nastinchka: [dance break]
5:34:40 PM PB: Congrats :)
5:34:56 PM Nastinchka: ...I just dapped myself.
5:34:59 PM Nastinchka: It wasn't planned.

12:01:21 PM Nastinchka: This Syracuse thing has to be my favorite.
12:01:27 PM Nastinchka: because not only did they lose again
12:01:34 PM Nastinchka: they gave it away in the 4th quarter
12:01:45 PM Nastinchka: It's like they find new ways to inflict pain on their fanbase
12:02:04 PM Swindle: The agony comes in new and awesome variations
12:02:17 PM Swindle: Speaking of, Dexter McCluster just ripped off a 50 yard td on us
12:02:26 PM Swindle: We're fucked.
12:02:35 PM Nastinchka: I'm....
12:02:39 PM Swindle: I'm sorry: that's 40 yards
12:02:40 PM Nastinchka: Seriously, I got nothing.
12:03:05 PM Nastinchka: I still don't think you'll lose.
12:03:10 PM Nastinchka: I don't really know why.
12:03:54 PM Swindle: The scoreboard says you are in error
12:04:12 PM Nastinchka: I just can't process this
12:04:17 PM Nastinchka: like a phantom limb
12:04:21 PM Nastinchka: Phantom Good Offense
12:04:55 PM Swindle: Greg Hardy has the right legally now to steal Terron Sanders car.
12:05:06 PM Swindle: He's been that dominant

12:47:57 PM 'Bus: How is Obama getting played like a fucking girl scout?
12:48:12 PM Nastinchka: How do girl scouts get played?
12:48:56 PM 'Bus: Old men catch them with their pants down, and then they lose the election and send the country spiraling ever further downwards.
12:48:59 PM Nastinchka: gross
12:49:16 PM 'Bus: I assure you I hadn't thought the metaphor through in advance.

12:13:48 PM Nastinchka: Here, I've summed up Vol Nation
12:13:54 PM Nastinchka: I just got a text from a buddy
12:13:56 PM Nastinchka: first of the day
12:14:07 PM Nastinchka: Simply reading: "[sigh]". It's not even kickoff yet.
12:14:20 PM Swindle: Powe miss tackle go boom
12:14:23 PM Swindle: Powe sorry

12:15:45 PM Nastinchka: 31-3 Duke
12:15:50 PM Nastinchka: Groh isn't even trying
12:16:03 PM Swindle: AHHdkjsdhfglksjdfhglksd
12:16:03 PM Nastinchka: there's a minute and a half to go and he's running the ball and running the clock down
12:16:06 PM Swindle: Joy!
12:16:14 PM Nastinchka: this is HILARIOUS
12:16:27 PM Nastinchka: they're eating clock just so they can get off the field
12:17:19 PM Nastinchka: o-ver
12:17:31 PM Nastinchka: AND THE STADIUM IS LIKE A FOURTH FULL
12:17:38 PM Nastinchka: Oh, they just panned up to the stands. SO SAD

12:50:09 PM PB: Why is Dancing with the Stars popular?
12:50:23 PM Nastinchka: Don't know, but I like that it is, even though I don't watch it myself.
12:50:33 PM PB: Never seen it
12:50:41 PM PB: Just doesn't seem like a show people would go for
12:50:51 PM Nastinchka: Me either, but every hour that America is captivated by ballroom dancing can only improve it.

1:14:52 PM Swindle: Gary is killing Crompton
1:14:58 PM Nastinchka: Week 2
1:15:07 PM Nastinchka: He was lashing the shit out of him last week, all week
1:15:18 PM Swindle: "I dunno if he's not supposed to throw the ball down the middle for a touchdown."
1:15:24 PM Nastinchka: I mean, it's warranted, technically, but holy shit he seems to hate him
1:29:01 PM Swindle: Does Jonathan Crompton use the same playbook?
1:29:16 PM Nastinchka: Wait, you think he can read?
1:29:22 PM Nastinchka: He got an alligator in spelling.
1:31:58 PM Swindle: Watching your game now.
1:32:08 PM Nastinchka: Welcome. We are still bad.
1:33:53 PM Nastinchka: And it's a mark of the season that I say that despite the fact that we're hanging in there.

1:40:15 PM Swindle: Gary Danielson does not need to call another vol game
1:40:39 PM Nastinchka: He's been after both of 'em all game, worse than last week
1:45:12 PM Nastinchka: Remember that time we kept throwing the goddamn ball?
1:53:21 PM Swindle: What astonishes me is the ability of Crompton to throw the ball to no one in particular
1:56:38 PM Swindle: I think Gary and Tennessee need a cooling-off period
1:56:52 PM Nastinchka: He is MIAOWsome
2:00:20 PM Nastinchka: "KEEP ENCOURAGING HIM"???
2:00:28 PM Nastinchka: Did Phil eat Bill Stewart?
2:00:40 PM Swindle: You wish
2:00:50 PM Nastinchka: It would solve one problem.

4:20:02 PM Nastinchka: WE'RE GOING TO DOLLYWOOD
4:20:03 PM Nastinchka: WE ARE
4:20:12 PM PB: I shouldn't argue with caps lock.
4:20:15 PM Nastinchka: No.
4:20:34 PM Nastinchka: Because it means I've got a subject in my maw and am shaking it like a puppy with a duck.
4:20:42 PM Nastinchka: So to speak.
4:20:48 PM PB: That's a complicated metaphor.
4:21:01 PM Nastinchka: sssshhhhh. Don't fight this.

2:45:07 PM Nastinchka: If you need me, I'll be over here, losing to Auburn.
2:45:18 PM Swindle: I still think you're going to win
2:45:29 PM Nastinchka: This is actually a little comforting.
2:46:26 PM Swindle: BTW: My mom just texted me, "WTF?"

3:00:34 PM Swindle: I think Katie Couric just elected Obama.
3:00:46 PM Nastinchka: I think she's taller than Jacquizz.
3:00:52 PM Swindle: And meaner
3:03:09 PM Nastinchka: Can't we import Carla Bruni instead?
3:03:12 PM Nastinchka: She's got better skin
3:03:39 PM Swindle: Yes, and likely a better understanding of policy.
3:03:54 PM Nastinchka: I love the moment at the end when Wolf says it's not her best answer and they cut to Jack rolling his eyes for like a millisecond

9:49:07 AM Nastinchka: (Autoreply) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
9:49:11 AM Swindle: Did you step on a lego?

11:46:35 AM Nastinchka: and I think I should have stayed in bed
11:46:38 AM Nastinchka: because so far:
11:46:44 AM Nastinchka: 1. Our office is flooded from all the rain
11:46:49 AM PB: ugh
11:46:49 AM Nastinchka: 2. Including our VAULT
11:46:54 AM PB: eek
11:46:59 AM Nastinchka: 3. Mike's car got broken into
11:47:13 AM PB: uh oh
11:47:14 AM Nastinchka: 4. We've been questioned by the police because a neighbor woman has gone missing
11:47:20 AM PB: !!
11:47:31 AM Nastinchka: 5. And Creepshow is wandering around the building with a mop, sobbing uncontrollably and no one knows why.
11:47:41 AM Nastinchka: So on the whole, it's actually sort of entertaining.
11:47:52 AM PB: i agree with your assessment: go back to bed
11:48:03 AM Nastinchka: But it's one of those days where I'm kinda afraid to go outside for fear I'll be crushed by a falling anvil.

6:55:38 PM Nastinchka: I didn't notice they did the Georgia endzones in black too. How tawdry.
6:55:54 PM Swindle: Yes. They're tacky, horrible people.
7:20:25 PM Nastinchka: Think our collective malevolence doomed this game?
7:20:32 PM Swindle: Yes.

I'm not touching you I'm not touching you I'm not touching you

I tried to get through this without making reference to the fact that Jonathan Crompton looks like he crawled out of the river behind Calhoun's, but it turns out I'm still pretty mad about the game.

I got dumped over the Auburn game.*

I don't write about my romantic entanglements. I can't get it done without sentences that fall in love with themselves and won't let go, so I don't even try. Instead, there's kind of a secret diary is embedded in this thing, hidden in plain sight. Little flags, word triggers planted here and there, to remind me that This Happened on This Day.

There have been four exceptions, in eight years, for four boys, three boyfriends, two Nicks, and one Something Else. Four posts that barely dance around a weeklong fight, a three-week fight, a three-month fight, and a year of fighting about to lead to an ill-fated marriage proposal. Volcanic moments, every one marked in their own way, and that's as close as I've ever gotten to talking about any of them.

So now let's talk about Sean. Sean doesn't get an alias because I don't respond well to ultimatums.

We met in January. He works for a rival outfit, our paths crossed a lot in a professional capacity, and before long we were getting juvenile kicks doing very grown-up things in out-of-the-way corners at boring parties. Our first kiss was at the Getty, over some truly awful champagne, on a night we were both supposed to be working. We started dating (not really the word I'm looking for here; you'll see why) on March 30th. I know this because Concrete Blonde came on the radio as I drove home at dawn the next morning, and I put the song in the Laff Riot title (sorta) to mark it. That weekend he stepped on something very pointy on the beach and had surgery on his foot, and made a cameo on the blog. That was the only time I ever spent the night. We both liked sleeping alone, in our own beds.

This wasn't ever going to go anywhere. I wasn't about to set myself up for a third emotional skull-fuck of a breakup in two years, and event-based relationships are standard issue in our social circle, so we had plenty of cover. The word "boyfriend" gets tossed around a lot, but no one's taking these guys to meet the family. Sean was good-looking in that brahsome L.A. way, occasionally smarter than me, arrogant as hell, and got tickets to all the good shows. It never would have occurred to me to invite him over for dinner. I had a steadying hand up the Edison staircase at last call, and that was pretty much the extent of my emotional needs.

Sean was also a rabid Lakers fan, which in retrospect should've steered me clear. (Let's put that in context: I maintained regular physical contact with a Lakers fan throughout an NBA playoff run while living within spitting distance of the Staples Center. This is some sort of tolerance triathalon. Still waiting on my medal.) Sean didn't think this was too funny. That really should've set off some sirens (the bad kind). We lasted one contentious month into college football season, and on Friday he told me if I left town to watch the Auburn game with my alumni crew instead of going to his buddy's premiere, to not call him when I got back. I took my key off the ring, tossed it to him, and left without a backward look.

Now we all know I'm Not Sorry is my favorite phrase, but you have to believe me--my mythical temper is just not in play here. (For what it's worth, I enjoy my anger issues. They're what makes me fun at parties. Seriously, if your favorite memory of me doesn't involve me being really, really, really mad about something, you just haven't known me long enough. Stick around.) Tonight, Sean is sorry. Tonight, Sean wants me to know he didn't mean that. And I don't believe him.

That's what college football taught me about relationships this weekend: If he's the kind of guy to draw a line like that over me skipping out on a backyard movie night for a conference game...what does it say about him as a person that he's that straight-up unwilling, not even to adapt to my upbringing and priorities; I'm not asking that, but to just accept that this is part of my life once a week for a scant third of the year? I don't think this is the scoreboard talking, but tonight? It's not even worth continuing on with our lowest-maintenance, path-of-least-commitment arrangement, which is really saying something. And the game hurt so much worse. That's saying something else.

This is me, walking away. And I'm not sorry.

*And it was worth it.

ARP ARP ARPOCALYPSE

Still just completely gobsmacked over everything that happened yesterday. It took me four hours to fall asleep last night. So today is a day of contemplation. Unplugging, driving through the desert to San Diego, and decompressing at least until dark.

Leaving with these thoughts:

• There are trained football professionals on Tennessee's sidelines, men who have devoted their lives to this game, and somewhere there's at least one of them looking at all available data, evaluating this team's strengths and weaknesses, and deciding that Jonathan Crompton passing on third down will work.
• Alabama's trip to Baton Rouge just got a lot more interesting.

Today's Specials:

Out late in L.A., up early in the desert. Cheering interests in bold:

• UNC @ Miami
• Virginia @ Duke
• Maryland @ Clemson
• Ole Miss @ Florida
• Purdue @ Notre Dame
• Tennessee @ Auburn
• Arkansas @ Texas
• Colorado vs. Florida State
• Marshall @ West Fuckin' Virginia
• Missy State @ LSU
• Alabama @ Georgia

What's the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?
The pit bull has a basic grasp of economic and foreign policy.

I can't abandon my life for a campaign anymore, not right now. Four years ago I tossed college aside and ran off to New Hampshire to join A Cause, and it was the hardest I've ever worked in my life and I'd do it again in a second. I was pretty good at getting people to understand why My Guy was The Guy. Circumstances these days just won't allow that kind of time commitment...but this is the first time this whole election cycle that I've wished that weren't the case. This is starting to get fun.

Required Reading

• So last night, in a fit of delirium following the upset in Corvallis, an executive decision was made to quarantine all Beaver-Trojan jokes to a single thread, for everyone's sanity. The result was...kind of a marvel, actually.
• Yahoo(!) column number next: Nebraska.
• Cheese, Ep. 5: The Enfattening. Written as always with style and flash by the lovely Sarah.
• Whom I then joined over here at One For The Other Thumb for another round of glossy prognosticatin'.
• And the Scramble, which...look, I'm winning. Well, not Winning Winning, because this is Me Picking Football Games we're talking about, but I'm leading the awayers and almost everybody else. This is actually a little uncomfortable. SINCE WHEN DO I PICK FOOTBALL GAMES WITH ANY MODICUM OF ACCURACY.
• Trevzilla!
• Picks, and a Top 5 Wheeler moment.

jacquizz'd, which isn't as dirty as it sounds....yet.

Good fucking night. I don't even know how to react to this. (One suggestion: More room in the top ten for ESS EEE CEE SPAAYYYD LOLZ!!!11!) What the hell is in the water in Corvallis? It wasn't like last time, either. They didn't give the game away (well, not until late). Just flat-out beat, on both sides of the ball. Crikey.

p/s Here to help.

"Like Sonic cheesecake bites, I'll straight turn you up..."

In which Swindle finally, irrevocably, drags us all through the looking glass kicking and screaming. Just...I....wow. RAP CHALK!

Picksperiment: Episode 4

New PtF column debuts today. Why do I feel the need to keep experimenting on the NFL? As long as my four-year-old cousin wins me money doing it, should I care? The answers may surprise you!

scenes from an intervention

If there's one thing I actually don't need, it's chairs. Also, I don't like pink. So why did I keep coming back to these?

THIS, I like. My couch mandate, as determined by me throwing out half-hearted sullen sentence fragments that are then translated by my captors dear devoted well-meaning and better-nested friends, is "squishy but not sloppy". Two problems: It's red, and it's suede. I love it so much I'd almost slipcover it. Almost.

And my lifelong Populuxe obsession manifests again. Do you have any idea how hard it is to find futurist furniture that's not ghastly uncomfortable? See above, re: don't need chairs, but...

sociaLOLized capitaLOLism

WHAT COULD GO WRONG?

nerdlash

I should not be allowed out into the world without proper supervision when bored. It leads me to do things like sign up for classes five days a week to keep fresh on the languages I'm already good with (French, German, Russian), gain more facility with the one I only had a half-assed semester of and am really bad at (Spanish), and pick up a fifth (Arabic) just because, what the hell, new alphabet. It's becoming clearer that I need to give serious thought to going back to school, since WOW.

Happy Distracty Things:

• Awwww.
• "I'd also like to commend Julius Williams for bringing the jockstrap back into style. If you ask him he'll tell you that it makes him "feel like a cat out there" (apparently it lifts AND separates)." New favorite blog.

COUNTRY FIRST LOLZ

This...wow. Pretty magnificently bastardish. What do we call that, pro-reactive? Reproactive?

I'm not some goddamn gnome

Continuing my stealthy and thankfully unnoticed tradition of slipping Broadway jokes into a college football blog: An unfortunate interview with a Syracuse fan. (Kinda.)

Well, that was direct.

"It was like watching Gidget address the Reichstag." Daaaayum. It's getting meaner out there. And it's about f'ing time.

[thx Colin]

aaaaand

Triumphant homestomping, T minus one month from tonight, just in time for Third(ish) Saturday. Return date as yet unknown. In the grand tradition of football travel plans falling spectacularly apart, we (not royal) can't make Baton Rouge for LSU-Bama, and are casting about for southerly games to grace with our spiteful countenances the first two weekends of November. Early leaders include the Cocktail Party and Not Setting A Damn Foot In The State Of South Carolina.

glug

It's football season and all my friends are geniuses, which leads to lots of linky posts, which are boring. I've been fiddling with making my own sidebar widget to show the most recent 10 or so Things You Have To Read Right Now, but it just looks tacky. Anyone got a little piece of code out that'll do something to keep the left column fat and full of words? This iteration of Movable Type, you'll have noticed, never ever puts an entire post into RSS readers no matter what I do to them so as long as everyone's hitting the site proper anyhow I might as well streamline things, right?

In the meantime, read these:

• TGC and I have had this argument once a week for going on two years now. I'll get a perky text from him pregame all WOO WE'RE GONNA WIN BY 30 and I fire back with THE SKY IS FALLING WE'RE GONNA LOSE BY 40...but as Stella pointed out, before last weekend she's never heard any of us argue that we're going to lose because we've got a bad football team. This is uneasy territory.
• So let's raise it up. Late to this, but what a fantastic idea. If you never saw Al Wilson play, dial up some video and see what he's about. Love love love him forever; he'd be an immediately indispensable asset to a program badly in need of a morale shoring. I've been spending a lot of time the last couple weeks staring with moody jealousy at the pure adulation expressed at all times on the sidelines and after plays by teams like Florida and LSU, and in the past year by Georgia. It's been way too long since we've seen an orange player's feet leave the ground after the whistle.

[grumble]

Remember my cry-for-help post a couple months back about how I've been living here for 2 years and have yet to buy furniture? My well-meaning local buddies are about fed up with always having to hang out on the roof instead of the little hollow cube I call a nest and staged an intervention. I got dragged out of bed yesterday morning and hustled around to fine home stores for eight hours. I'm not really any closer to filling this little space, but when I got home there was this terrifying bounty on the doormat. Baby steps, y'all.

So how'd that work out?

I cannot believe I forgot about this. Last week, on the rail of the local pub, A MILE FROM THE COLISEUM:

Taken the night before the game. Bravo.

Laff Riot 93: Unabated to the suntan line

5:45:18 PM PB: Fuck. I want cannons and fireworks at >every< event in my life. Make the napkin shot into the trash can? Fucking fireworks.
5:46:13 PM Nastinchka: I am really really bad with sudden loud noises
5:46:18 PM Nastinchka: EXCEPT fireworks
5:46:23 PM PB: Perfect
5:46:31 PM Nastinchka: like, car backfires, I hyperventilate
5:46:37 PM Nastinchka: cannons would prolly be bad for me
5:46:44 PM Nastinchka: but I can't get enough of fireworks even if I'm right underneath
5:46:43 PM PB: You'd get used to it
5:47:13 PM PB: If you hung around me enough, calling for 'splosions every time I properly put a book on a shelf.
5:47:34 PM Nastinchka: is there a danger of you putting a book improperly on a shelf?
5:47:48 PM PB: minute. but still: FIREWORKS!

12:04:02 PM Nastinchka: oh, gawd, are you going to lie down in a graveyard?
12:04:04 PM Spawn (Autoreply): the saints and poets, maybe. they do some.
12:04:05 PM Nastinchka: You are, aren't you?

10:16:53 AM Swindle: MSU is losing 21-0 to GTech
10:17:03 AM Nastinchka: And what do we say to that?
10:17:36 AM Swindle: Sylvester Croom is being gutted by the same turnover dolphin that saved him last year.
10:17:48 AM Nastinchka: I was going to go with BEEEEEES, but that works

5:42:55 PM Nastinchka: Now what do you get for a woman in the hospital who hates flowers, cannot eat or drink, who really pissed you off in front of your mother this week so you couldn't blow off steam by cussing her, that comes in gift basket form?

7:02:31 PM Nastinchka: Please parse this passage from Chris Fowler's column:
7:02:35 PM Nastinchka: "With the Vols unranked and still smarting, this will be a big test for Urban Meyer's Gators, as he tries to go 4-0 versus Fulmer."
7:02:42 PM Nastinchka: ....
7:08:50 PM Swindle: Because...um...

4:17:01 PM Momma: back from dinner. are you having dinner at work? are you sorry you taught me iChat?
4:17:12 PM Nastinchka: No, I'm gonna grab something at home before I bolt for the airport.
4:17:34 PM Momma: ooo, so you actually got food at home?
4:17:39 PM Nastinchka: I'm growed! (I am not growed.)
4:21:04 PM Momma: I'm gonna watch HSM2 tonight so I know what all my girls at school are talking about on Monday. We're talking BIG time tonight.
4:21:52 PM Nastinchka: Ohhhh boy.
4:22:46 PM Momma: YWD says haaaaaaa (but he means hi but he says it with that flat I, you know what I mean
4:22:55 PM Nastinchka: Joan and I spell it "haaaaaaaaaaayyyyy", which gives you enough time for the jaw unhinging the vowel combination requires.

4:14:29 PM Nastinchka: WHO LETS THEIR FIVE YEAR OLD JOIN A CIRCUS?
4:14:45 PM PB: "my circus days." You shouldn't have to say that.

10:35:36 AM Swindle: name tennessee's most famous alum
10:35:39 AM Swindle: shameful
10:35:53 AM Nastinchka: You mean, besides Little?
10:35:55 AM Swindle: Yes
10:36:07 AM Nastinchka: David Keith.
10:37:52 AM Nastinchka: No, god, what am I thinkiing?
10:37:57 AM Nastinchka: Glenn Reynolds.
10:38:05 AM Nastinchka: Duh.
10:38:49 AM Swindle: LOL
10:39:13 AM Nastinchka: Instapundit = way, way more damaging to humanity than U-571.
10:39:57 AM Swindle: Always thought it was less a blog, and more of a personality disorder.

9:26:48 PM Nastinchka (Autoreply): Bill Stewart thinks West Virginia's gonna be just fine.
[tears off own face, just to throw it at Bill Stewart]

7:23:41 PM Nastinchka: Joan: "If they lose this the headline in Morgantown tomorrow should be Blood On The Coal."
7:24:28 PM Swindle: Buffaloes Chip 'Eers

7:48:21 AM Princess PrettyPants: i pine for you
7:48:25 AM Nastinchka: Back atcha
7:48:27 AM Princess PrettyPants: *lean
7:48:30 AM Nastinchka: [swill]
7:48:41 AM Princess PrettyPants: *plop* poem

6:24:19 AM Swindle: I've been watching this
6:24:27 AM Swindle: to get in the right frame of mind.
6:24:47 AM Nastinchka: ooooh
6:25:56 AM Nastinchka: I thought it was gonna be Lion in Winter
6:26:25 AM Swindle: Don't speak to me of bourgeois tripe, you East Asian traitor.
6:26:26 AM Nastinchka: starring Phil Fulmer as the burly secretly
homosexual crown prince, and Urban Meyer as the full-lipped French prince, or Allais.

8:34:32 PM Nastinchka: I think that if I lived closer to him I would want him to be my best friend
8:34:43 PM Nastinchka: Like, the guy I would introduce my sluttiest friends to when he was having a bad day.
8:37:02 PM Nastinchka: My on-the-way-from-walk-of-shame brunch buddy.
8:37:54 PM Barstoolio: I have a feeling one just winds him up and then hopes other passersby don't listen in.

Priorities:
6:19:24 AM 'Bus: So the NFL doesn't yet know when the AFC championship will be played?
6:19:39 AM 'Bus: How's a guy supposed to buy plane tickets back to the States?

7:09:28 PM Nastinchka: Oh, WHAT THE HELL, BILL
7:09:50 PM Swindle: I'm going to take 2 tos. Set up a punt with 3 seconds.
7:09:53 PM Nastinchka: He makes me so unbelievably angry, mostly because hating him feels like kicking a three-legged puppy.
7:10:06 PM Swindle: And then Colorado will run out the clock, and fuck your whole plan.
7:10:08 PM Nastinchka: But some three-legged puppies are just asking for it.
7:11:27 PM Swindle: I just don't think he knows what he's doing.
7:11:55 PM Nastinchka: He's so....amiable. Amiable in the face of Lusitania-steezy defeat.
7:12:15 PM Nastinchka: This is Morgantown, SIRRAH, set your own head on fire and invite the players to follow suit.
7:12:17 PM Swindle: Really, he has the right approach.
7:12:25 PM Nastinchka: How's that?
7:12:32 PM Swindle: It's just a game. Don't worry. LIfe's great.
7:12:32 PM Swindle: All true.
7:12:40 PM Swindle: BUT WE ARE DISEASED
7:12:48 PM Nastinchka: Oh, that's why I find him so distasteful.
7:12:51 PM Nastinchka: GET. MAD.
7:13:00 PM Swindle: I like my coaches miserable and victorious.
7:13:20 PM Nastinchka: I do not like them to "amble" or be "folksy".
7:13:23 PM Swindle: Even Hawkins is obsessed.
7:13:56 PM Nastinchka: See? You can be happy without being a HAYSEED.
7:14:01 PM Nastinchka: (I think I harnessed my hate.)

8:42:17 PM Nastinchka: did you watch the SAG awards?
8:42:25 PM Nastinchka: I've got it on tape delay
8:42:31 PM Barstoolio: No, just looked at the pretty pictures.
8:42:35 PM Nastinchka: and Alec Baldwin wasn't there to accept his award
8:42:38 PM Barstoolio: And the ones of Eva Longoria
8:42:43 PM Nastinchka: and the presenter was Kate Beckinsale
8:42:54 PM Nastinchka: And she accepted on his behalf.
8:42:54 PM Barstoolio: Oh, dear.
8:43:02 PM Nastinchka: Kate Beckinsale got to touch a SAG award.
8:43:15 PM Barstoolio: I thought the sky rent a little.

7:28:03 PM Swindle: Discovery is going to have a new show you may find relevant to WVU in this game.
7:28:19 PM Swindle: Title: "Destroyed In Seconds."
7:28:23 PM Nastinchka: In Search Of Our Ass: Both Hands And A Flashlight
7:29:06 PM Nastinchka: I swear to god if this other school didn't have a live buffalo mascot to soothe me I'd be doing murder in the streets.
7:29:16 PM Swindle: Ah, the majestic buffalo
7:29:32 PM Nastinchka: I believe it's pronounced THE MAJESTIC BUFFALO
7:29:42 PM Nastinchka: Roam, Ralphie.
7:29:56 PM Swindle: [/amblesbacktooats]

12:35:37 PM Nastinchka: Now we need an alternate one
12:35:48 PM Swindle: For McCain?
12:35:52 PM Nastinchka: JOHN MCCAIN DRINKS YOUR MILKSHAKE
12:36:00 PM Nastinchka: BUT NOT IN A METHOD ACTOR WAY
12:36:10 PM Swindle: RON PAUL DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THIS TIVO THING
12:36:21 PM Swindle: RON PAUL THINKS YOU SHOULD HAVE TO PAY FOR AIR

I don't even remember:
6:54:35 PM Livia: alan menken is raping the cannibalized carcass shell of sebastian. and i hate him for it.

10:56:02 AM Nastinchka: KALI-MA
10:56:17 AM Swindle: He's got a hydraulic stiff-arm
10:56:34 AM Nastinchka: Isn't it cute when we can use that, and use his other arm to hold onto the goddamn ball?
10:56:59 AM Swindle: It is. Not that you'll keep using that.
10:57:09 AM Nastinchka: No, indeed.

8:49:21 PM Nastinchka: The one qualm with this ep
8:49:34 PM Nastinchka: is that it calls being nature's greatest killing machine "a dubious honor"

10:03:42 PM Nastinchka: We would be terrible criminal masterminds
10:03:57 PM PB: Perhaps. Dunno if I agree with that.
10:04:04 PM Nastinchka: No, we'd execute this brilliant caper
10:04:11 PM PB: I think so
10:04:28 PM Nastinchka: ...and then get caught with a pound of coke/gold bars/counterfeit iPods because we fell out of a tree trying to rescue a kitten during the getaway and the cops who responded to the neighbor's 911 call were digging through the car for emergency contact info
10:04:40 PM PB: lolol
10:04:47 PM Nastinchka: TELL ME that's in any way implausible.

2:38:17 PM Swindle: i dated an anthropologist once
2:38:25 PM Swindle: Is that like an actor?
2:39:40 PM Nastinchka: Are anthropologists the dinosaur people?

9:48:46 PM PB: Safe to assume this new venture is a teleplay about zombies?
9:48:50 PM Nastinchka: LOL
9:48:52 PM Nastinchka: Not this time
9:49:05 PM Nastinchka: but there's always zombies in here [taps head]
9:49:25 PM PB: [nod]

heywatchis

Spencer got to roll with the Navy this weekend. There's no better way to do a fall Saturday in Knoxville. It's a real point of pride with us that we keep the enmity largely contained to the stadium and drench all comers in hospitality and free booze.

[sigh.]

Read.--

Call them liars, because that's what they are. Sarah Palin didn't say "thanks but no thanks" to the Bridge to Nowhere. She just said "Thanks." You were raised by a single mother on food stamps - where does a guy with eight houses who was legacied into Annapolis get off calling you an elitist? And by the way, if you do nothing else, take that word back. Elite is a good word, it means well above average. I'd ask them what their problem is with excellence. While you're at it, I want the word "patriot" back.

Lasting impressions of Tempe:

1) Being surrounded, mobbed on all sides by sympathetic Georgia fans was strangely comforting, even though the ones sharing the pub with us kept looking at us with an equal mixture of compassion and wondering whether we were going to snap.
2) Allison got a bottle of water at a gas station before the game that was filled with salt water.
3) While exiting the stadium, I ran into my favorite bouncer (I'm apparently one of those people who has "favorite bouncers" now, HATE ME), literally Ran Smack Into him, not in front of the bar around the corner in LA but in the middle of an intersection. In Tempe. While I was on the phone. And somehow managed to not get hit by a car.
4) I fell asleep curled up in the backseat on the way up today and didn't wake up when Serena put the top down, and am a perfect, glowing, even red on the left side of my body. I'd so eat myself with drawn butter right now.

Hate Week, Fin.

• ATP, or, Know The Desert Into Which You Are About To Wander, To Die. (And I don't write the italics parts and bear no responsibility for that sentence with "the old Confederacy" in it.)
• Return of the cheese.
• Haterade sequel (to this).
• Picks.
• And yes, this.

FTWim

Really, this was sort of inevitable, if you know me at all.

(Alternate title: Dona Nobis Possum. You're welcome.)

Reminder: Garrrr.

Avast! (Work already thinks I'm a sociopath, thanks to events alluded to in previous post, so I may as well make this one count.)

I thought we were friends.

More than one of you know where I am and who I'm working for this week, and how important this trip is to my professional aspirations and general well-being.

So would it have killed someone, anyone, to remind me that my outgoing voicemail greeting is a recording of me and Livia singing a song she made up about Pennywise the Dancing Clown, to the tune of a Best Little Whorehouse in Texas ballad? I can't be allowed to gambol about unsupervised like that.

"Our deepest sympathies...that you're such a terrible coach."

Nobody likes the smartest kid in the room, or Bill Stewart.

In the name of heading off a 300-word screed in the comment thread:

"I just don't think that's a big problem. I think it's kind of comical," Stewart said Tuesday.

Hate Week, this week = not my finest hours. It was a lot more fun last year when we had a little sparkly glimmer of standing a chance. Know who I CAN get worked up about hating? Bill Stewart. West Virginia's misfortunes I can wrap my head around. West Virginia's misfortunes are notions I can get an emotional handle on, unlike the alleged "Clawfense", and they start at the top with this guy. This guy who, at halftime against ECU, took the sideline reporter's questions with an air of bewilderment, as if to suggest she should maybe take a nice nap or drink some delicious Ovaltine instead of wondering why his squad was struggling in comical fashion for the fifth consecutive quarter to put together the remotest of facsimiles of last year's schemes.

"We're fine", he said. At that point, ECU had almost double WFV's time of possession.

The darling Mountaineers are so very far from Fine, and no matter what happens tonight, Bill Stewart is NOT THE GUY. Abort, retry.

Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression 2K8: Week 2

I'm neglecting the hell out of my team and it's only the second week. (Did I draft Felix Jones to bench him? Apparently!) I blame consuming interests in the college game and extensive hankie-wringing over the state of a syncless Colts offense, but that doesn't change the fact that we're all, now, losing to 'Bus. You and your numbers, 'Bus.

Two distinct, divisions none

I'm two years gone, today, and...that's it, actually. I don't feel two years older, smarter, or more connected. When I did this same post a year ago I said I wouldn't be writing from Santa Monica when the time came to do this again. I was right about that. I'd really like to say I won't be writing from California this time next year, and not because I'm trapped on a neverending shoot in Middle Of No-fucking-where, Illinois, like today, but because I've fled the state bound for civilization and am tearing up Austin or wherever. I'd love to have that endgame that close on the horizon, but I've thrown enough hats over the wall for one summer. And it may still win me over, this big buzzy hive. This city has been so good to me that it's arguable I had these past couple months coming, being wrenched around and, when still, so simply and wrongly situated, like a mismatched kidney. I should be rocking back up on my toes right now, ready to take another swing at the latest Fraught. (It's September, by the way; we're supposed to be through and past all this.) I should, but I get the feeling I'll be spending another day in my head, sending every call straight to voicemail and perfecting the thousand-yard stare. Tomorrow, maybe.

Required Reading

• Ever write something just to see if some jackhole will take it seriously? Here, arguing that Ohio State's a cupcake opponent. Which is practically true.
• Viddy little bee, 1: Unc!
• Viddy little bee, 2: Nice suit.
• I ran up $75 in cell overages in August thanks largely to the fallout from two friends turning out, respectively, to be a raging alcoholic capable of placing me in personal danger and a class-D felon. The least Sprint can do is read my breezy little throwaway about NFL Mobile and hook me up with a free data plan, right?
• Cara's back, too, and infinitely more grown-up than me. My margarita glasses are still acrylic, though carefully disguised as carnival glass, because I'm 26 and still can't hold tequila. Did I go to state school for nothing?
• Doug + Spurrier bashing + internet poetry = perfect comedy storm. Never really enjoyed any rhymes involving "cellar" until now.
• But what about stupid kids who want to be President? Big Daddy does how he do, which involves, chiefly, making words better than you or I. (And 'Box, I do think you veer a little local in the conclusion when you should be going global. This election doesn't need to be won primarily to break down racial barriers in elected office. I mean, if it is won, it will do that, which is awesome, but first we gotta save the world, right?)
• News that may actually go a long way towards saving the world, pertinent quote being: "SciFi plans to air 36 original TV-movies next year." My personal happiness index just smashed through the ceiling, Great-Glass-Elevator-steezy.
• Viddy little bee, 3: Director's Cut:

Laff Riot 92: Meet me at the mission at midnight

10:04:29 PM WorstFan: my first half viewing experience was so surreal too. i made the decision to try and take the game in with the "ohio state alumni association - austin chapter":: hilarity ensued
10:05:20 PM Nastinchka: Oof.
10:06:51 PM WorstFan: there were plural fist fights, multiple arrests, and the only other sub-30 people there proved to be a redneck who was rejected from ohio state a decade ago (when it was really "anyone can come") and his cartoon series esque different strokes hipster buddy who was wearing a scarlet & grey barret and may have been watching his first football game ever
10:07:12 PM Nastinchka: Oh, dear.
10:08:56 PM WorstFan: it was incredible. there was also a group of muckracking vatos locos who've likely never seen the west coast decked out in USC gear trying to start 'ish with drunk, depressed middle aged midwesterners... i can't even do this scenario comedic justice without making it sound like total fiction
10:11:55 PM WorstFan: i'm actually doing really well all in all, i'm surprisingly even myself. it's like the SEC losses were losing both my parents in real tragic ways a year apart from one another, but this one was losing a step parent who happened to be a professional clown. you can't really do anything else but laugh

7:45:13 AM Nastinchka: Know what the best part of all this is?
7:45:18 AM Nastinchka: Florida's still going to lose to Auburn.
7:45:25 AM Swindle: Yes, we will.
7:45:28 AM Nastinchka: Somehow.
7:45:31 AM Swindle: By a score of 11-5
7:45:36 AM Nastinchka: I mean, so will we, but it'll be because we're terrible.
7:45:45 AM Nastinchka: Y'all will be handed another bat country defeat.

2:33:36 PM Barstoolio: god, I love plug and play. if only boyfriends were like that.
2:33:54 PM Nastinchka: The warranty's not the greatest, but the line has gotten good reviews so far
2:34:01 PM Barstoolio: "I'm sorry, honey. You don't have a USB tail. We're through."

9:52:53 PM TK: Michigan is so awesome these days.
9:58:44 PM Nastinchka: We probably should not have this conversation.
9:59:17 PM TK: Admit that their game today was hilariously entertaining.
9:59:21 PM Nastinchka: Oh, god yes.
10:00:24 PM TK: The best is when I'd say things like "I bet he drops this kickoff," then it'd ACTUALLY HAPPEN INSTANTANEOUSLY.

'Twas the night before Christmas...(not really)
3:37:41 PM Momma: made it home alive from the liquor store and pawn shop
3:37:54 PM Nastinchka: Did you buy any bait while you were there?
3:38:12 PM Momma: you mean like minners and crawdads?

7:42:22 PM Nastinchka: I know you're busy, but just to give you a mental picture: Jamarcus Russell just tried to do a quarterback sneak
7:43:14 PM PB: Oof
7:43:27 PM Nastinchka: He's like 90 lbs and a foot too large to pull that shit off
7:43:38 PM Nastinchka: "It looked like a tree falling on Denver's D-Line"

9:09:18 PM Swindle: Buh
9:09:21 PM Swindle: Buh
9:09:23 PM Swindle: Buh
9:09:24 PM Nastinchka: BRAH!
9:09:26 PM Swindle: BUCKKKKKEEEEYYYEEEEEEE
9:09:30 PM Swindle: Buckey
9:09:31 PM Swindle: e

1:07:34 PM GoldfishCowboy: you should see smooth watching michigan right now
1:07:37 PM Nastinchka: oh, god
1:07:40 PM Nastinchka: I flipped over on commercial
1:07:42 PM Nastinchka: what the hell
1:07:46 PM GoldfishCowboy: he has a UM tie on, and things arent going well
1:07:57 PM Nastinchka: I'd see if I can get that off him and hide it in a safe place
1:08:04 PM GoldfishCowboy: i'm just trying to keep him away from the ladders
1:10:27 PM GoldfishCowboy: smooth at ND: "go to goddamn purgatory you piece of shit"

4:01:24 PM Livia: So
4:01:34 PM Nastinchka: HAAAAAY
4:01:47 PM Livia: I am in need of a catchy slogan for tomorrow night's game to customize my spirit shirt.
4:02:01 PM Nastinchka: I guess Jesus Blocks With Me is out of the question?
4:02:11 PM Livia: Unfortunately yes.
4:02:44 PM Nastinchka: [three players' names here] = Blessed Trinity
4:03:28 PM Livia: And we've already been warned about "God's On Our Side".
4:07:55 PM Livia: I'm thinking about keeping it simple: "IT IS WRITTEN" and a shamrock
4:09:33 PM Nastinchka: What about, like, a shamrock carrying a spear?
4:10:21 PM Livia: Well, the spirit week shirt features a 300-esque pile of spartans and the slogan "300 spartans to beat the persians, 1 leprechaun to beat the spartans"
4:10:30 PM Nastinchka: Awww
4:10:34 PM Livia: it is adorable
4:10:51 PM Livia: as adorable as a pile of dead human flesh with a mugging irish midget can be

11:57:53 AM Swindle: Please be as rude and noxious as possible
11:58:06 AM Nastinchka: How many times can I get banned from there in one week?
11:58:43 AM Swindle: How many times have you already been banned?
11:58:49 AM Nastinchka: Four
11:59:13 AM Nastinchka: [cracks knuckles]
11:59:31 AM Nastinchka: And always for the grave sin of posting reasoned rebuttals to something.
11:59:41 AM Nastinchka: Have yet to Trog Up (that's what I'm calling it)
11:59:53 AM Swindle: Go git 'em
12:00:06 PM Nastinchka: I think I'll just post the lyrics to rocky top over and over again
12:00:07 PM Nastinchka: in every post
12:00:22 PM Nastinchka: (I'm waiting on these files to render. I can do a lot in 28 mins.)

11:12:24 PM Nastinchka: Women.
11:12:40 PM TK: With their stupid vaginas.
11:13:09 PM Nastinchka: I'm settling in to watch Thunderdome and for some reason that made me laugh, a lot.
11:13:27 PM TK: I'm not sure how those are related.
11:13:31 PM Nastinchka: I guess because it made me think of Tina Turner's vajayjay
11:13:34 PM TK: Such is life.
11:13:56 PM TK: I've never even considered that Tina Turner has reproductive organs.
11:14:03 PM TK: I thought she was just legs from the waist down.
11:14:05 PM Nastinchka: I wonder if it looks like the hair on her head
11:14:09 PM Nastinchka: Wouldn't that be awesome?
11:14:22 PM Nastinchka: Or if it looked like a little Ike head
11:14:27 PM TK: In theory, definitely. In reality, terrifying.
11:14:30 PM Nastinchka: (I AM SO TIRED.)

9:07:45 AM Spawn: my goal is MORE than two failed marriages before i'm 25
9:07:47 AM Spawn: i better get on that
9:07:47 AM Nastinchka: but this one's legal. Baby steps!
9:07:51 AM Spawn: she's still doing way better than me

1:25:31 PM Swindle: It's Arthur from "the Tick."
1:25:39 PM Nastinchka: Live action or animated?
1:25:46 PM Swindle: Animated
1:25:51 PM Swindle: What am I, a savage?

9:58:35 PM Princess PrettyPants: i know you are there
9:58:40 PM Princess PrettyPants: i can hear you breathing
9:58:49 PM Nastinchka: ew
9:59:02 PM Princess PrettyPants: what at least i dont send you bad fiction
10:00:21 PM Princess PrettyPants: cha
10:00:45 PM Nastinchka: I've never thought about how to spell that noise
10:00:48 PM Nastinchka: but it makes perfect sense
10:01:33 PM Princess PrettyPants: onomatopoeia solves the worlds problems

11:02:04 AM Swindle: Fotop and I are discussing awesome music to get your swole on to at the gym
11:02:19 AM Nastinchka: The Soviet national anthem.
11:02:32 AM Swindle: That's cheating
11:02:37 AM Nastinchka: Howzat?
11:02:48 AM Swindle: It's too good, and redolent of kettlebell
11:03:00 AM Nastinchka: I didn't ask for these powers.

2:44:06 PM Spawn: ps i have acquired an item of clothing that you are probably going to murder me for
2:44:17 PM Spawn: i give it somewhere between fifteen and thirty seconds before you pounce when you see me
2:44:21 PM Spawn: i'm excited
2:44:43 PM Nastinchka: If you show up at my door with a popped collar, it's getting torn off.
2:44:45 PM Nastinchka: But you know this.
2:45:06 PM Spawn: i know. i am not a date rapist nor am I a theta chi.

5:35:09 PM 'Box: now he's dropping Scott McCloud??
5:35:34 PM Nastinchka: Yeeeeah.
5:36:05 PM Nastinchka: There but for the grace of attending OR public schools and having to read The Structure of Scientific Revolutions in the 7th goddamn grade go I.

12:55:47 PM Barstoolio: Collected a lot of good stories, though. Like security running a hooker ring out of the theatres.
12:56:00 PM Nastinchka: !
12:57:01 PM Barstoolio: Yeah. It'd make you think twice about where you sat during some dead swedish silent filmmaker festival or whatnot.
12:57:28 PM Nastinchka: Spee-yack
12:57:45 PM Barstoolio: 'xactly.

11:25:11 AM Nastinchka: Knock knock.
11:25:18 AM Swindle: who's there?
11:25:34 AM Nastinchka: They're making a sequel to Ghost Rider HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
11:25:44 AM Swindle: That's the best joke ever.
11:25:46 AM Nastinchka: Right?

10:14:43 AM Nastinchka: One of my most revered profs always used to tell us, in her genteel drawl, that she did film and tv work "to support a very expensive theatre habit". I totally get that now.
10:14:55 AM Nastinchka: It's all just biding my time 'til I can buy my own repertory company.
10:15:17 AM Bobo: And make them wear the clothes and say the words you want.
10:15:21 AM Bobo: I know how this works.
10:15:26 AM Nastinchka: DANCE, PUPPETS
10:15:38 AM Bobo: But here's the kicker - they'll *like* it.
10:16:03 AM Nastinchka: One of my oldest friends likes to tell me I only became an editor to exact the last possible measure of control over my actors.
10:16:07 AM Nastinchka: I'm not sure she's wrong.
10:16:18 AM Nastinchka: NOW I CAN MAKE THEM BLINK WHEN I WANT TO
10:16:24 AM Nastinchka: ah ah ah [thunderclap]
10:16:26 AM Bobo: Yep. On the nosey.
10:16:53 AM Bobo: We'll fix you in post. "It". I meant "it".
10:16:58 AM Nastinchka: HA
10:17:10 AM Nastinchka: You know, it's a throwaway joke
10:17:16 AM Nastinchka: but I swear, one time at work
10:17:38 AM Nastinchka: I had people come in and ask me if I could change a panel in this set (brushed aluminum) to look like dark walnut.
10:17:50 AM Bobo: ...
10:18:00 AM Nastinchka: There's fix it in post, and there's Oh, I forgot, you hired me not as your colorist, but as a trained fucking magician.
10:18:34 AM Nastinchka: I still have that memo.
10:18:37 AM Nastinchka: I should have it framed.

5:44:46 PM Nastinchka: Are you ready?
5:44:48 PM Nastinchka: You are not ready
5:45:02 PM Nastinchka: Because the Armenian electronics store in my neighborhood has a commercial
5:45:30 PM Nastinchka: There are no actual sentences in this
5:46:34 PM Swindle: WO
5:46:34 PM Swindle: WO
5:46:37 PM Swindle: WWWWWOWOOW
5:46:47 PM Nastinchka: This is a real place.
5:47:03 PM Nastinchka: Use as directed.
5:47:10 PM Swindle: He's in the microwave!
5:47:42 PM Nastinchka: When you try to connect to the store's actual website, a Google warning pops up stating "this site my harm your computer"
5:47:50 PM Swindle: LOLOLOL
5:48:09 PM Nastinchka: I almost really want to see it
5:48:18 PM Nastinchka: BECAUSE HOW does Crazy Gideon have a website?

4:11:42 PM Momma: i'm back. just in case you missed me. not likely, I guess
4:11:53 PM Nastinchka: Just leaving work.
4:12:28 PM Momma: be careful out there among them English
4:12:33 PM Nastinchka: Yes'm.

12:47:02 PM Princess PrettyPants: so that will be our plan B... you know like the abortion pill... for a wedding
12:47:33 PM Nastinchka: I can't believe no one ever wrote a folk song about that.
12:48:02 PM Princess PrettyPants: the folkies dont abort their fetusees
12:49:57 PM Princess PrettyPants: or wait
12:50:50 PM Princess PrettyPants: were you talking about inappropriate may december marriages that are full of impending doom primarily due to the high numbers of people who are plotting its overthrow?
12:51:06 PM Princess PrettyPants: cause i think there are some folk songs about that

11:35:28 AM Nastinchka: SEC reacts to the LHC
11:35:34 AM Nastinchka: Alabama: "Well, at least we won't have to play Auburn."
11:35:44 AM Nastinchka: Auburn fan: WWWOOOOOOOOO WAR EAGLE
11:36:46 AM Nastinchka: "Giggity."
11:36:51 AM Swindle: Georgia fan: ARP ARP ARP APOCALYPSE
11:36:57 AM Nastinchka: ARPOCALYPSE
11:37:41 AM Nastinchka: UK fan mournfully sounds first notes of My old Kentucky Hole on harmonica
11:38:51 AM Swindle: South Carolina fan petitions Skip Holtz to stop it.
11:39:34 AM Nastinchka: LSU fans hoist kegs, cauldron onto airboat, skim to edge of bayou, and stand ready. Resolute but drunk and hollering.

2:43:58 PM GoldfishCowboy: i've got a purdue fan talking shit to me
2:44:06 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear. What's the score?
3:08:30 PM GoldfishCowboy: 20-13 purdue
3:08:38 PM Nastinchka: Well, well.
3:08:52 PM GoldfishCowboy: also i just won 10 bucks off smooth betting he didnt know how to spell yarmulke
3:08:54 PM GoldfishCowboy: dont ask
3:09:13 PM Nastinchka: I wish I were in Lexington, for the first time in my life, just to watch the show.
3:10:02 PM GoldfishCowboy: true quote
3:10:30 PM GoldfishCowboy: "today i'm going to wear every michigan shirt i have so that when i take it off and throw it at the tv, i still have another one on"


 12:59:51 PM Winslow: you kids have fun tonight.
1:00:04 PM Nastinchka: I'll give you juicy details tomorrow, never fear.
1:16:09 PM Winslow: k. well, i'm not like giving advice or telling you what to do or anything like that, i'm just saying... the first time i knew i was in love with my ex was when she told me, if i wanted to, i could put it on her face... i'm not saying thats what YOU should do, just saying, nobody likes unplanned pregnancies and that way everyone's pretty confident they dont have to worry.

10:07:39 PM Princess PrettyPants: ernest hemingway was a cancer

10:46:39 PM Livia: So I was going to write a letter and tell you this, but AIM has given me the warm fuzzies, so I'll tell you now:
10:47:13 PM Livia: I was driving down I-40 last night, ruminating on the fact that I am somehow not married, not in love
10:47:44 PM Livia: And I was reeling from a Cheese Krystal-enabling session and U2's Joshua Tree
10:47:48 PM Nastinchka: uh oh
10:48:08 PM Livia: So I thinks to myself, I thinks:
10:48:42 PM Livia: "There is no way you are ever, ever going to find someone who will live up to your expectations"
10:49:45 PM Livia: Because I don't have to tell you that I do not at all believe in divorce and take marriage very, very seROOusly (see what I did there? is this gonna be a dry party?)
10:49:51 PM Livia: BUT THEN
10:49:57 PM Livia: it occured to me
10:53:11 PM Livia: That I would never have expected to find a friend that would somehow become my total complement in every way, and not only accept but embrace even the most twisted, blackened portions of my soul, and become such an essential part of my life that I would take it for granted that EVERYONE has a friend like that. Almost no one has what we have. And if I can have all that in a best friend, there's no reason not to think that I couldn't find it in a Democrat-voting, Lord of the Rings tolerant, buffalo enthusiast beau too.
10:53:39 PM Nastinchka: BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
10:53:55 PM Nastinchka: 1. Seriously.
10:54:04 PM Nastinchka: 2. THat reminded me of the "X-ray enthusiast" story
10:54:08 PM Livia: I hope I didn't freak you out and make you think I was going in a Trey direction with that, but I had to collect my thoughts.
10:54:09 PM Nastinchka: 3. BAWWWWWWWWWW
10:54:18 PM Livia: i forgot about x-ray enthusiast!! hahahaha
10:54:37 PM Nastinchka: Every time I hear that word, it all comes rushing back.

5:38:01 PM Nastinchka: I wonder, collectively, what percentage of time I've known you has been spent talking about how awesome we are.
5:38:07 PM Nastinchka: I bet it's at least 80
5:38:13 PM PB: Let's hope so

10:49:48 PM 'Box: me very tired...
10:49:53 PM 'Box: and purring
10:49:58 PM 'Box: which I'm told I shouldn't do
10:50:00 PM Nastinchka: You should get that looked at
10:51:05 PM 'Box: I will. For now, I must slumber most extravagantly
10:51:15 PM Nastinchka: holla, balla
10:51:48 PM 'Box: 'night
10:51:52 PM Nastinchka: kisses
10:51:55 PM Nastinchka: night, mouse! wherever he is!
10:52:03 PM 'Box: He says goodnight
10:52:09 PM 'Box: Seriously
10:52:18 PM Nastinchka: and spreads disease
10:52:21 PM Nastinchka: cutely
10:52:44 PM 'Box: awwww...ahaaghgghghh get if off get it off CUTE Ow ow ow!

YEEEEEEEEEAH! WIIIIIIIIN!

This is in tribute to this, which is what this was referencing, and it took like seven hours to put together, so like it. (Actual recommended strategy: Go here and click the high quality link below the video so you can actually see the football.)

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 3--Gonna Be Your Man in Motion Across Midfield

In which we bump Auburn for giving us the greatest football entertainment in recorded human history and dare anyone to argue.

Written by Livia; illustrated by Nastinchka.

1) Oklahoma
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: Sam Bradford can get a piece of ass anytime he wants. Shit, he's got Washington in the bedroom right now, passed out cold! He could violate them ten different ways if he wanted to...and he did. His five touchdown passes and seven consecutive scoring drives appear to have answered any lingering questions about the Sooners' new no-huddle offense. With two opponents who will presumably put up about as much fight as a delicious chicken casserole, the Sooners should have two more weeks to hone their homicidal precision before visiting Texas.

BOB STOOPS: Tyrone. Good game, buddy. Nice night of football.
TYRONE WILLINGHAM [Looking around confusedly]: Foooot-bahh?
BOB STOOPS: Tyrone, are you alright? Should I call you an ambulance, or an automobile?
TYRONE WILLINGHAM [Aimlessly]: Otto-moe-beel?

2) Missouri
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside. Chase Daniel is the first kind. Missouri is looking sick...Daniel's 405 yards and seven freaking touchdowns speak for themselves. Yes, he's a Grade A Creeper, but that boy has a cannon.

Poor Texas has to play Oklahoma and Missouri in back to back weekend matchups, but lest you think Missouri will go untested, allow me to remind you that they will be visited by THE MAJESTIC BUFFALO in October. May Ralphie trample their souls into buffalo patties of despair. Amen.

3) USC
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: Why do I have to insult the Trojans? I'm being honest, asshole. I would expect you to know the difference.

BOECKMAN: What was he wearing? The guy who sacked me? Well, uh, let's see, he was wearing a red argyle sweater, and gold trousers, and red shoes... No, he's not retarded.

This was preordained from the moment this game was scheduled. It was never going to end any other way. This game provoked many conflicting emotions within me, because I passionately hate both teams involved. I'm pleased with the outcome, though, because it shows once and for all just how little OSU deserves to be in the top ten. You can't justify a blowout when you're the number five team in the country. So, on behalf of everyone in the country not from the state of Ohio, kindly fuck off, Buckeyes.

JIM TRESSEL: Just answer me one question.
PETE CARROLL: Yes, you're a total fag.
JIM TRESSEL: Ha ha ha. That's not the question.

4) Texas
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: It's unfortunate that the Longhorns didn't get to play this week. Here's hoping that the recovery in Texas will be swifter and more effective than it was in New Orleans and Biloxi, and that McCoy has found the inner strength and composure to handle their daunting schedule. I came through time for you, Colt. (IT'S STILL FUNNY.)

Yes. Yes, it is.

5) Florida
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: Look at the blonde-headed monkey, taking a conveniently placed bye week before beginning SEC play on the road! There's really nothing to say here, except that I am hoping and praying that Florida will be disappearing from this countdown next week. Miami showed us that the Gators were beatable. Whether we can do anything with that knowledge remains to be seen, but I am encouraged by the shocking emergence of a running game this weekend.

FLORIDA FAN: You guys know what Volunteers are? White trash with long, greasy hair.
TENNESSEE FAN: You know what a Gator is? White trash with mustangs and madras.

6) Auburn
LONG DUK DONG SAYS:
TUBERVILLE: You're being benched for ineffective passing.
CHRIS TODD [Grinning roguishly]: Ineffective, definitely...I don't know if you could call it passing.

Offensive strategy clearly means nothing to Auburn. Do you think they'd treat their game plan this way if it did? This was a fascinating game to watch. I wish Auburn could win all their games 3-2 (except for the Tennessee game, in which I would prefer the scores to be reversed). The mark of a good team is their ability to escape the close game alive*, and Auburn accomplished this in magnificent fashion.

*Does not apply to Georgia. Explanation below.

7) LSU
LONG DUK DONG SAYS:
VIZZA: We don't have none of this stuff in the locker room at Northern Texas! Wait a minute! We don't got none of this... we don't got doors on the stalls, we don't have, what is this? What's this? We don't have weight machines in the locker room! What are all these practice facilities? You mean some teams don't play in mud pits wearing animal skins?

I'm glad LSU continues their time-honored tradition of not playing any team of merit in their non-conference schedule. They might as well have played the Dillon Panthers while they were at it...although, now that I think about it, I totally believe Tim Riggins could hold his own with the LSU Tigers, and that Coach Taylor's hair has the ability to trump Les Miles' Magical Hat.

8) Wisconsin
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself, Badgers? It's bad for your complexion. You got away with the win on the road against a challenging Bulldog team. You should be proud, and look ahead to the rest of the season. Don't dwell on this. Wisconsin is in fact better than it looked last night.

9) Georgia
LONG DUK DONG SAYS: You're not fooling anyone, Georgia. The next screw that falls out will be you.

MARK RICHT: Stafford! You almost caused us to lose to a clearly inferior opponent with your erratic passing and inability to be a leader in this offense! I mean, our defense clearly isn't worth shit either--otherwise, Chris Smelley wouldn't have been able to get near the red zone--but your offense is a disaster.

I don't know what's sadder--the fact that South Carolina came so close to the biggest upset of their program in ten years and failed, or the fact that Georgia played like a high-school freshmen's powderpuff exhibition game for 57 minutes and then managed to snatch it away in 3. Knowshon Moreno is the tits, but it became abundantly clear last night that he's about the only one on that team who is.

CHRIS SMELLEY [near tears]: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't complete a pass?
STEVE SPURRIER [resplendent with rage]: No. You're a genius because you can't complete a pass!

You break my heart, South Carolina. Then again, you break everyone's heart.

10) East Carolina
LONG DUK DONG SAYS:
BOB TOLEDO: "I didn't mean to throw that pick", "I forgot the route"! That's all I ever hear from you!
JEREMY WILLIAMS: Come on, Coach...
BOB TOLEDO: YOU SHUT UP! I'M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING YOU STICK UP FOR HIM! YOU HEAR ME?
KEVIN MOORE [near tears]: Don't you yell at him!
BOB TOLEDO [punches Moore in the face, then realizes what he has done]: Ponyboy--I didn't mean to! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!

'Sko, Purple Pirates! I have never been prouder of anyone named Holtz.

MISC.

CLEMSON
TOMMY BOWDEN: Stupid, worthless, no good, goddamn, freeloading son of a bitch. Retarded, big mouth, know-it-all, asshole, jerk. You forgot ugly, lazy and disrespectful. Shut up bitch. Go fix me a turkey pot pie. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. No dad, what about you? Fuck you. DAD, WHAT ABOUT YOU? FUCK YOU!
CULLEN HARPER: Is that for real?
TOMMY BOWDEN: You wanna come over sometime?

MARYLAND
Oh, Chris Turner! May I admire you again today? You led the Terps to a stunning upset victory over no. 23 Cal, settling into your rhythm as the rightful leader of this team. You're all I think about, because I'm desperately, completely in love with you. When he laid that long bomb on the Cal defense last night, I swear my thighs just went up in flames! He must practice on melons or something.

I am the eyes and ears of this institution, my friends! And what I see and hear is a glorious season for the University of Maryland Terrapins. Fear the Turtle!!

OHIO STATE
TERRELLE PRYOR: I always thought we'd be in the top ten forever, no matter how poorly we performed.
BEANIE WELLS: Yeah, well forever got a lot shorter all of a sudden.

You know, Ohio State, there is the brink of insanity and then there is the abyss, which obviously you have fallen into! Why else would you think you could travel to LA in September and have it end any other way than in tragedy?

JIM TRESSEL: That's the last time, Boeckman. That the last time you ever make me look bad in front of those fans, you hear me? I make $31,000 a year and I have a home and I'm not about to throw it all away on some punk like you. But someday when you're outta here and you've forgotten all about this place and they've forgotten all about you, and you're wrapped up in your own pathetic life, I'm gonna be there. That's right. And I'm gonna kick the living shit out of you. I'm gonna knock your dick in the dirt.
TODD BOECKMAN: You threatening me?
TRESSEL: What are you gonna do about it? You think anyone's gonna believe you? You think anyone is gonna take your word over mine? I'm a man of respect around here. They love me around here. I'm a swell guy. You're an underperforming sack of shit and everybody knows it. Oh, you're a tough guy. Hey c'mon. Get on your feet pal. Let's find out how tough you are. I wanna know right now how tough you are. [offers Boeckman his chin]
TRESSEL: Just take the first shot. I'm begging you, take a shot. Just one hit. Come on, that's all I need, just one swing...
[Boeckman pauses, staring, then throws a football at Tressell's face; it is intercepted and returned for a touchdown]
BOECKMAN: That's what I thought. You're a talentless turd.

TENNESSEE
Tennessee fans, y'know... this terror you're feeling isn't real. You know what it is? It's St. Elmo's Fire. Electric flashes of light that appear in dark skies out of nowhere. Sailors would guide entire journeys by it, but the joke was on them... there was no fire. There wasn't even a St. Elmo. They made it up. They made it up because they thought they needed it to keep them going when times got tough, just like you're making up all of this. We're all going through this. It's our time at the edge.

You said you couldn't be with someone who didn't believe in you. Well I believe in you. I just didn't believe in me. I love you... always. And I'm proud of you.

THIS IS MY VOICE ON TV

Things aren't going so well right now. I haven't been happy with my writing all summer, and I have an anniversary coming up that's hitting me pretty hard (more on that later, unfortunately), so I'm taking off for a little while to do something that might take care of all that, or at least let me sleep through the night. I'll be back.

Intangible All-Star Experiment: Week 1

Hair = juju, boys and girls:

Notes:

the proudest now is but my peer

I can't begin to process everything I've witnessed tonight, but I will say that if you turn your TV to ESPN2 at 3:30 AM Eastern, you will not regret what follows.

Today's Specials:

• Cal @ Maryland
• Navy @ Duke
• Alabama-Birmingham @ Tennessee
• Michigan @ Notre Dame
• Georgia @ South Carolina
• Ohio State @ USC
• Wisconsin @ Fresno State

The rest of Friday:

• Remembering Eddie Crowder. Godspeed, majestic Buffalo.
• Warning signs.
• Weekend Agenda

Get off our lawn, sir.

In my capacity as a college football writer, I never thought I'd have to deal with Bissinger. His horking and stomping was happily the province of baseball, for the most part.

Not anymore. Because Football Jesus forbid we should take sports seriously, right, author of Friday Night Lights?

Required Reading

• Column, this week returning to my adopted home of the 213.
• Back to Deadspin for the first time in a while.
• Picks, and the insistent continuation of the BEEEEEEES thing.
• FFF, which I don't write but read religiously. As in, I'm calling on all my faith to forgive Sarah for being mean to Peyton. (OK, she gets a pass because she writes FFF, and there's no funner way to get rill fat than reading it.)

Try the pudding.

I've got the run of the mothership this weekend, so stop on by, and tip me if you got 'em.

"Remember the dead."

K/O, tonight, in a particular kind of form:

This is supposed to be a day of remembrance. Remembrance of the attack, remembrance of the national unity which followed it.

Most important of all, remembrance of the dead.

But 9/11 has become a brand name. A Republican campaign slogan. Propaganda of the lowest form. 9/11 has become 9/11 with a trademark logo.

9/11 (TM) has sustained a president who long ago should have been dismissed, or impeached. It has kept him and his gang of financial and constitutional crooks in office without--literally--any visible means of support.

9/11 (TM) has made possible the greatest sleight-of-hand in our nation's history.

The political party in office at the time of the attacks, at the local, state and national levels, the party which uniformly ignored the warnings and the presidential administration already through twenty percent of its first term and no longer wet behind the ears, have not only thus far escaped any blame for the malfeasance and criminal neglect that allowed the attacks to occur, but that presidency and that party, have managed to make it seem as if the other political party would be solely and irredeemably responsible for any similar catastrophe in the future.

This was a 9/11 Tribute. Not to the dead, nor to the unity. But a tribute to how valuable 9/11 has been as a political tool for the Republican Party. 9/11... (TM.)

Sen. McCain, you had promised us a clean campaign. You could be Snow-White the rest of the way, Sir, yet that manipulative videotape from your convention should tar you always in the minds of decent Americans.

And still, as this seventh 9/11 (TM) approaches that, Sir, is not the worst of your contributions to the utter politicizing of a day that should be sacrosanct to all of us.

show me thexthy

I would like to take this moment to personally apologize to each of you for the Cutty Sark thing. There are times when I horrify even myself.

And speaking of tits and booze...I'm strenuously avoiding getting drawn into the meta Chick Sports Fans discussion, but know this:

Therefore: if contemporary Playboy is the home of the assless Stepford Wife, let EDSBS be the home to all the ladies of all conferences who like wearing pants, drinking, and most importantly, consuming eight to ten hours of football every Saturday in the fall. You're diamonds of femininity, every last one of you.

Kick, Punt, & Passive Aggression 2K8: Week 1

Up is down, down is sideways, y'all.

That's me and PLadd, reigning champions of last year's fantasy league and playoff picks, getting our asses handed to us for no discernible reason, unless you count everyone else getting scads more points than we racked up. (Losing to Janie, though? Way preferable to losing to Livia's little brother again.) Oh, and Nick took Brady in the first round. Everybody enjoy that.

Would anyone like to have some fun impersonating a DHL employee?

Because I really don't know what to tell this woman (scroll down).

backstage

If the LHC ends the world tomorrow, there are worse places to be than under these lights.

"Liberals need to get over it."

I'm not wild about the LET ME PROVE IT that composes the last two thirds of this piece, but the first four paragraphs bear remembering.

Laff Riot 91: GOD, WE AIN'T PLAYIN'

In chronological(ish) order, our impressions of the first two fall Saturdays, and crab people hell panic.

4:39:49 PM Nastinchka: BEST OF LOU HOLTZ PEP TALKS ON ESPN
4:40:08 PM Swindle: RECORD
4:40:11 PM Nastinchka: RECORDING
4:40:17 PM Nastinchka: I missed some of it
4:40:44 PM Nastinchka: "The only difference between champ and chump is u"
4:40:46 PM Nastinchka: NO!
4:40:51 PM Nastinchka: Lou's pep talk put to bed!
4:40:55 PM Nastinchka: They said they aren't doing it anymore
4:41:03 PM Swindle: !!!!
4:41:06 PM Swindle: NOOOOOOOO
4:41:06 PM Nastinchka: ...um, and they
4:41:11 PM Nastinchka: are replacing it
4:41:16 PM Nastinchka: with something called "ask dr. lou"
4:41:19 PM Nastinchka: THERE IS A JINGLE
4:41:36 PM Nastinchka: IT'S AN ADVICE SEGMENT AT HALFTIME
4:41:38 PM Nastinchka: YOU HAVE TO GET ON THIS
4:41:46 PM Nastinchka: It will also come with a thought for the week
4:42:05 PM Swindle: ARE WE GOING TO BE TYPING IN ALL CAPS ALL SEASON LONG?
4:42:13 PM Swindle: I AM FINE WITH THIS
4:42:24 PM Nastinchka: AS LONG AS LOU IS ON THE SCREEN IT SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE

10:44:24 PM Nastinchka: CRAAAAAB PEOPLE
10:44:33 PM 'Box: Goood effin' lord can the world get any stranger?
10:44:46 PM Nastinchka: This is almost as much fun as Lieberman
10:44:49 PM Nastinchka: which is saying something
10:45:05 PM 'Box: Republicans are FUNNY
10:45:08 PM 'Box: I never knew
10:45:16 PM Nastinchka: This is gonna be great television
10:45:31 PM 'Box: I want Joe Rogan to moderate
10:45:35 PM Nastinchka: gross.
10:45:43 PM 'Box: and I want them both lowered into vats of LIVE CRABS
10:45:53 PM 'Box: ......
10:45:58 PM Nastinchka: HAAAAA
10:46:15 PM 'Box: I didn't say I wanted Joe Rogan to talk
10:46:24 PM 'Box: I just want him to push the CRAB VAT Button
10:46:35 PM 'Box: That's all, and pay him $100,000
10:46:51 PM 'Box: In suitcases.

7:09:48 PM Nastinchka: OK, upon first impression, the Dr. Lou experience is like something you and I would come up with as a joke, then scrap 10 minutes in.
7:09:55 PM Nastinchka: Only they ran with it, and they have a national TV network.

11:06:17 AM PB: Did you see that Colt photo?
11:06:50 AM Nastinchka: I was all set to bust out a + million cocktails for use of the word "giddyup" (a personal favorite) AND THEN I SAW THAT PICTURE AND WENT BLIND, the end.
11:07:44 AM Nastinchka: I managed to convey my disgust through a Flashdance joke, though
11:07:47 AM Nastinchka: I'm sure you're relieved.

9:40:42 AM Swindle: I reserve the right to use the term "Goober Grape" syndrome to describe the flaw in combining in-conference games with head.
9:41:08 AM Swindle: The mixed PB&J that comes in a jar.
9:40:50 AM Nastinchka: ...
9:40:57 AM Swindle: Two good things that should not be combined in a single entity.
9:41:11 AM Nastinchka: And often ends in broken glass and sticky puddles
9:41:18 AM Nastinchka: Oh, I know what it is. Ever drop one of those?
9:41:25 AM Swindle: No.
9:41:24 AM Nastinchka: You might as well move.
9:41:27 AM Nastinchka: It never comes out.

6:50:53 PM PB: Is it just wrong to name my team Vince Young's Cock?
6:51:26 PM Nastinchka: There are teenagers in our league
6:51:30 PM Nastinchka: in Catholic school.
6:51:33 PM PB: There you have it.
6:51:50 PM PB: (Their minds will be blown when they get to college and learn that VY can cut diamonds with that thing.)
6:52:10 PM Nastinchka: Ah, fall.
6:52:13 PM Nastinchka: Leaves are turning
6:52:21 PM Nastinchka: Animals grow shiny winter coats
6:52:29 PM Nastinchka: and Peter turns once again to waxing poetic on VY's dong.
6:52:36 PM PB: [slurp]

11:54:20 AM Nastinchka: Bruins Nation just crashed Firefox.
11:54:32 AM Nastinchka: Joke goes here ---> ....loading....loading....
11:54:53 AM Nastinchka: LIKE MY BROWSER WAS ANY OF THE THREE STARTING QUARTERBACKS THEY'VE ROLLED THROUGH THIS CALENDAR YEAR
11:55:04 AM Swindle: LOLsen'd
11:55:15 AM Nastinchka: Also:
11:55:17 AM Nastinchka: "please be respectful of our community and our school. You can bet we will return the favor. "
11:55:20 AM Nastinchka: NESTOR MADE A FUNNY

:03:18 PM Nastinchka: I just noticed I put Musberger's head on a black dude
1:03:22 PM Nastinchka: (it was late)
1:03:24 PM Swindle: That's the best part
1:03:35 PM Nastinchka: I had no idea
1:03:46 PM Nastinchka: it was 4 AM or whatever and I was up googling MAN IN GUTTER and it was the largest image file I could find that was angled the right way
1:03:49 PM Nastinchka: which, don't ever google that.
1:03:59 PM Nastinchka: Or "girls and snakes"
1:04:02 PM Nastinchka: Trust me.
1:04:08 PM Swindle: LOL
1:04:16 PM Nastinchka: IT WAS FOR A CALENDAR
1:04:19 PM Nastinchka: IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HOT

9:14:02 PM Barstoolio: I WATCHED A FOOTBALL GAME!!!!
9:14:16 PM Barstoolio: And then I almost went to jail
9:14:32 PM Barstoolio: but fortunately the fact I forgot all my pants meant I was in a low-cut dress
9:14:56 PM Barstoolio: and I got off scott-free despite having only one working headlight
9:15:03 PM Barstoolio: no proof of insurance
9:15:07 PM Barstoolio: an expired tag
9:15:12 PM Barstoolio: no registration
9:15:21 PM Barstoolio: a passenger out of a seatbelt
9:15:34 PM Barstoolio: and an open container in the backseat (they didn't see that one).
9:15:57 PM Nastinchka: ...
9:16:16 PM Barstoolio: This is an omen for the season.
9:16:18 PM Barstoolio: I know it.
9:16:19 PM Nastinchka: You're a hero.
9:16:45 PM Barstoolio: Did I miss anything?

10:01:36 AM Nastinchka: Help me name my Yahoo tailgate column thing something uncringeworthy?
10:01:45 AM Swindle: What's your angle?
10:02:00 AM Nastinchka: Travelogue-y
10:02:05 AM Nastinchka: pretty straightforward
10:02:12 AM Swindle: Okay.
10:02:21 AM Swindle: The Fanterbury Tales
10:02:27 AM Nastinchka: LOLwaitNO.
10:02:28 AM Swindle: [shoots self in head]
10:03:52 AM Swindle: (Buffalo) Wings of Desire!
10:04:01 AM Swindle: Now I'm in no-man's land.
10:04:02 AM Nastinchka: Sie seht uns nicht. Sie chompt uns nicht
10:04:07 AM Swindle: tadlskafjlhbva;lsdkf
10:04:48 AM Nastinchka: and the crappy sequel, just for the UT UF game. Far Away, So Close
10:05:01 AM Nastinchka: starring Jimmy Ray Stephens as Natassia Kinski
10:05:13 AM Swindle: German Postmodern Expressionism, or Holly's Tailgate Review.
10:05:21 AM Nastinchka: That has possibilities

11:36:34 PM Nastinchka: I love my Yahoo commenters already.
11:36:41 PM PB: Oh?
11:36:42 PM Nastinchka: Exhibit A: "she's so funny!! hhahaa!! sec speeeeed whoooooooo!!!!!! go big organe"
11:36:53 PM Nastinchka: Exhibit B: "hey cvilleone, Jefferson nailed your mother right after Sally Hemings. "
11:36:56 PM Nastinchka: LOVE.
11:37:03 PM PB: lol - awesome!
11:37:10 PM Nastinchka: I feel so welcome!
11:37:16 PM PB: You are!
11:37:16 PM Nastinchka: I'm not even kidding a little bit

4:32:55 PM Swindle: GT: New unis!
4:33:24 PM Nastinchka: ARE THEY BEE STRIPED?
4:33:35 PM Nastinchka: I would buy season tickets if they wore yellow and black striped socks
4:33:40 PM Swindle: That's such a better idea than what they are.

6:39:06 PM Swindle: I'm taking Oregon State over Penn State because I'M BORED AND WANT PENN STATE TO LOSE
6:39:13 PM Swindle: IRRATIONAL
6:39:20 PM Nastinchka: No, that's completely sane.
6:39:33 PM Swindle: I've talked myself into it.
6:39:37 PM Swindle: I know it's bullshit.
6:39:40 PM Nastinchka: I picked GaTech
6:39:53 PM Nastinchka: and my rationale was that it's really really fun to yell BEEEEESSS on a crowded sidewalk.
6:40:03 PM Swindle: Rationally speaking, that is not a bad pick.
6:40:07 PM Nastinchka: right?
6:40:20 PM Swindle: Boston College won't see the ball.
6:40:31 PM Nastinchka: (Seriously, try it sometime. Or "SHARK!" On land.)
6:40:43 PM Swindle: BEEEEEES
6:40:45 PM Swindle: That felt good.
6:40:55 PM Nastinchka: First step, larger world.

5:29:28 PM WorstFan: maam, you are in the stage of crippling addiction where by which the use of alcohol and/or drugs and/or college football starts to cause the user problems (i.e. employment, relationships, legal, physical)
5:29:28 PM Nastinchka (Autoreply): Navy @ Ball State / nap
5:30:10 PM WorstFan: navy-ball state is truly a resin hit in its ashiest state
5:33:31 PM Nastinchka: Oh, no no no
5:33:41 PM Nastinchka: You misunderstand
5:33:49 PM Nastinchka: I was putting the game on, then taking a nap.
5:34:14 PM Nastinchka: But thanks for waking me up right in time for Dr. lou!
5:34:30 PM WorstFan: ahh.. the college football golf nap. that's a whole other entity in and of itself
5:34:37 PM Nastinchka: (That's just as bad, that I find it soothing to sleep to, isn't it.)
5:36:09 PM Nastinchka: I can't even see it, it's around the corner
5:36:24 PM Nastinchka: but just the hum of crashing helmets in the background is nice.
5:37:12 PM WorstFan: amen to that sister... i lost 30 minutes of real time during UK-louisville, came to and had missed punt-turnover-fumble
5:37:20 PM WorstFan: it was just like time travel
5:37:27 PM Nastinchka: SEE?

:27:59 PM Nastinchka: Thank you, Noel.
2:28:26 PM Swindle: Goddamn. What's his body fat?
2:28:38 PM Nastinchka: What body fat?
2:28:38 PM Swindle: Nacho lightning flavored
2:28:52 PM Nastinchka: He's got this third step that's like luigi in super mario 2
2:29:06 PM Swindle: the floaty step
2:29:48 PM Nastinchka: where his widdle legs just run back and forth on the air, yes

12:33:12 PM Nastinchka: Notre Dame's intro doesn't seem to have a lot to do with football.
12:33:38 PM Nastinchka: There's grass. And lights. but no one making a pass or tackle or anything...oh.
12:33:39 PM Nastinchka: Right.

6:10:57 PM WorstFan: MiQuale Lewis is my new second favorite vertically challenged person
6:11:04 PM WorstFan: (#1 is Spurrier's uniformed ball boy son)
6:12:02 PM Nastinchka: I could fit him in my pocket.
6:12:53 PM WorstFan: HOLY SHIT.. what do you think they do to them in Muncie?!?!
6:13:18 PM Nastinchka: Is there sunlight there? Maybe they're raised under grow lamps
6:15:42 PM WorstFan: it's that same scared of the world look, knowing not only are you smaller than 4 vertically stacked 2-liter bottles, but that you could only put up 122 yards on one of the most hilarious nebraska defenses of the last hundred years
6:16:03 PM Nastinchka: Everyone has a skill.

12:30:58 PM Nastinchka: OH, GOD
12:31:07 PM Nastinchka: Tune in for at least the first of ND-SD STate
12:31:11 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy grew his hair out
12:31:13 PM Nastinchka: WAY out
12:31:19 PM Nastinchka: he looks like Hayley Mills

12:39:12 PM Nastinchka: "Jimmy Clausen took some lumps, literally and figuratively". .....
12:39:27 PM Nastinchka: What's figurative about 40 sacks?

12:47:10 PM Swindle: Can you take a picture of Clausen's hair?
12:48:05 PM Nastinchka: I got it from the back
12:48:10 PM Nastinchka: I really need him with his helmet off
12:49:31 PM Nastinchka: Got it
12:49:36 PM Nastinchka: it's his OFFICIAL HEADSHOT
12:49:47 PM Nastinchka: It's....um...a little Shockey-ish.
12:49:50 PM Nastinchka: I'm conflicted.
12:49:54 PM Nastinchka: Like, sexually conflicted.
12:50:19 PM Swindle: Just think of the spindly manframe and weak, colorless mind that lie beneath that mane.
12:50:24 PM Nastinchka: Oh, yes.
12:50:29 PM Nastinchka: But from the forehead up, I'd hit that.
12:50:38 PM Nastinchka: It's the reptilian cortex talking.
12:50:53 PM Swindle: Also, you know that Shockey's got a five-inch thick cock that smells like gunpowder and cookies.
12:50:57 PM Nastinchka: The forehead down, I would hit with my fist.

12:18:02 PM Nastinchka: Interesting, foreboding: All GT's points scored by freshman or sophs
12:18:18 PM Swindle: FUCK YEAH
12:18:25 PM Nastinchka: BEEEEEEEEEEEEES
12:18:28 PM Swindle: You fumble three times, and win on the road? BEEEEEEES
12:18:45 PM Nastinchka: (say with arms flailing like a scared ET.)

12:31:33 PM Swindle: GIGGITY!
12:31:38 PM Swindle: Nutt versus Grobe!
12:31:44 PM Swindle: This is exciting?
12:31:49 PM Swindle: I mean, this is exciting!

9:55:24 AM Swindle: I have to get a screen cap of the Auburn coaches sending their signals in
9:55:35 AM Swindle: It looks like they're auditioning for Grease.
9:56:48 AM Nastinchka: go go go gogogogoogog...funble.
9:56:57 AM Nastinchka: That's a typo, but I'm calling it "funble" when it's Auburn.

10:57:15 AM Nastinchka: Um, fumble for a touchdown
10:57:17 AM Nastinchka: Ohio (the little one)
10:57:19 AM Swindle: DIE BUCKEYE DIE
10:59:47 AM Nastinchka: It's like the Buckeyes are trying to out-inept Michigan
10:59:51 AM Nastinchka: and, as usual, "winning"

9:58:08 AM Swindle: Marshall up 14-7 over Wisconsin in Camp Randall.
10:01:03 AM Nastinchka: !
10:01:20 AM Nastinchka: Remind me why I was bullish on Wisconsin 2 weeks ago?
10:01:38 AM Nastinchka: Oh, yes. Here it is. "Coach's head = perfect trapezoid." Bad idea.
10:01:58 AM Swindle: That's perfectly sound reasoning: he just let you down.
10:02:08 AM Nastinchka: ....you're RIGHT.

11:39:22 AM Nastinchka: Frank. Solich.
11:39:29 AM Nastinchka: Just wanted to throw that out there.
11:43:08 AM Swindle: This is why tOSU if failbound
11:43:22 AM Swindle: They should have the ability to end this game. Right now.
11:43:29 AM Swindle: Instead, punt, keep 'em in it.
11:43:34 AM Nastinchka: I no longer believe they're just hiding the playbook from Pete Carroll.
11:43:57 AM Swindle: Spielman is going to choke himself.
11:44:31 AM Nastinchka: On TV!
11:45:40 AM Nastinchka: Did they de-redshirt Tyrod Taylor?
11:46:03 AM Swindle: Yes. And he really did lead them down to the Furman 5, and then Glennon came in and threw a pick.

11:22:33 AM Nastinchka: Kellen would be proud
11:22:47 AM Barstoolio: He SO would. He should do a diet plan.
11:22:58 AM Nastinchka: We should release a series of Canes diet plans
11:23:10 AM Nastinchka: Irvin = Coke, Shockey = sex with twins, Kellen = The Law
11:25:03 AM Barstoolio: Dorsey: White Bread only
11:26:32 AM Barstoolio: McGahee - sympathy lactating burns soooo many calories

11:47:56 AM Nastinchka: How much do I love a MAC quarterback named Boo?
11:48:02 AM Nastinchka: Numbers just don't cover it
11:48:33 AM Swindle: Does this help?
11:48:41 AM Nastinchka: THAT MUCH
11:48:48 AM Nastinchka: I love him as much as his hair is fuzzy.

10:18:30 PM Nastinchka: OH MY GOD
10:18:34 PM Nastinchka: DOES DAVIE NOT HAVE A PRODUCER
10:18:44 PM Nastinchka: TO TELL HIM HOW TO PRONOUNCE BASIC CONSONANT SOUNDS OF WELL-KNOWN COACHES
10:18:48 PM PB: Unreal
10:18:51 PM PB: All night
10:18:58 PM PB: No one has fucking corrected him
10:19:45 PM Nastinchka: I bet Bob misses Achina.
10:19:52 PM Nastinchka: (seewhatididthere)
10:20:33 PM PB: though i would not want my own daughter to marry muschamp, i would want someone in my family to have their daughter marry him
10:23:02 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, Bob, you're right. "These fans stick around", because if they leave in groups of less than 12 they'll be dragged across the border and sold for kindling

10:47:12 PM Nastinchka: I am so happy right now
10:47:16 PM Nastinchka: except for the CRAB EYES which took me five minutes of laughing to notice and which now have me cowering from the laptop
10:47:22 PM 'Box: Goddamn
10:47:35 PM 'Box: It was the firs thing I noticed. A crab person would make an interesting nominee
10:47:56 PM 'Box: Presidential Debates, directed by Guillermo Del Toro
10:48:06 PM Nastinchka: STOOOOOOOP
10:48:09 PM 'Box: We'll move on
10:48:10 PM Nastinchka: [whimper]
10:48:14 PM 'Box: sorry sorry
10:48:19 PM Nastinchka: I'm going to need all his f'ing movies screened for me from NOW ON
10:48:31 PM Nastinchka: like there weren't enough misplaced eyeball terror in Pan's Labyrinth
10:48:33 PM 'Box: You're going to need his trailers screened for you
10:48:38 PM Nastinchka: DO NOT LIKE.
10:48:42 PM 'Box: we know
10:48:45 PM Nastinchka: (demonstrably)
10:48:47 PM 'Box: we'll talk about anything else
10:49:03 PM Nastinchka: shoeth and shipth and thealing waxth

12:34:47 AM PB: If only Mike Vick were draftable
12:34:55 AM Nastinchka: I've been through everyone I can think of, and most of that document Pacman Jones' lawyer made up with every arrest in the past few years
12:35:02 AM Nastinchka: but I think Tyree and LJ are my best chances
12:35:14 AM Nastinchka: I just can't figure out whether they were convicted as actual felons
12:35:30 AM PB: I think you're far too creative to let that get in the way. Morph the category
12:35:37 AM Nastinchka: [sigh]
12:35:49 AM PB: (Sorry; we're trying to help.)
12:36:08 AM Nastinchka: [no, you're telling me to COMPROMISE MY PRINCIPLES]
12:36:11 AM Nastinchka: THIS IS AMERICA
12:36:23 AM Nastinchka: I SHOULD BE ABLE TO CONSTRUCT AN ENTIRE FOOTBALL TEAM FROM CONVICTED FELONS
12:36:34 AM Nastinchka: I should be able to do this from the Ravens, Raiders, and Dolphins alone
12:36:44 AM PB: It is felonious that two otherwise beautiful Tennessee girls would drop their skirts for a neanderthal like Jeremy Shockey
12:37:05 AM Nastinchka: Nice segue. We wouldn't have to drop our skirts.
12:37:11 AM Nastinchka: They would melt off.
12:37:28 AM Nastinchka: (You're never going to talk me out of this, or convince me it's gross.)

9:02:49 AM Nastinchka: Also, on the way in to work today I invented something called LOLpuncturewounds
9:03:05 AM Nastinchka: which is just a picture of a gunshot hole that says OHAI.

Required Reading

Consumption posting returns after a football-related hiatus, and I've got some artwork ("artwork" = "Langoliers joke") on display starring my number one SEC Covet Draft pick.

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 2--The Bat, The Cat, and The Purple Pirate

Our cracked top ten poll, heavy on spite and light on logic, returns by popular demand mob decree for a second year.

We're back, motherfuckers. Written by Livia, illustrated by Nastinchka, all money and no class.

If you harbored any thought that we would dispense with The Perpetual Head Of Lou Holtz this season, well, just go on and put that out of your mind.

I could tell you that the reason the poll wasn't released until Week Two is that I feel the preseason polls are the most damaging aspect of college football, placing inferior teams in arbitrary rankings and spoiling the chances of those with legitimate talent. I could tell you that the first week alone often isn't enough to make a complete and in-depth assessment of a team's potential. So I will; I will tell you both of those things. Welcome back!

1) Oklahoma
LT. GORDON SAYS:
The pollsters wouldn't put Oklahoma on a pedestal, so they're layin' their opponents on a slab! They look better than anyone else in the country...stronger, faster, more homicidal. Right now the name of their game is Sam Bradford, who threw for 395 yards and 5 touchdowns against Cincy. Nothing in his pockets but knives and lint. No other alias. He simply...is. Mammals, a day of reckoning is coming! The same Big 12 team that saw you crawl from the primordial soup will reclaim the planet. And there will be no one to protect you!

2) Missouri
LT. GORDON SAYS:
JUICE WILLIAMS: Okay, go ahead. Intimidate me, bully me if it makes you feel big. I mean, it's not like you can just kill me.
MISSOURI DEFENSE: Actually, it's a lot like that.

The Tigers may have played a candy-ass opponent this week in Southeast Missouri State (actual school!), but their opener against the Fighting Illini was equally impressive. I hate to rank a team whose quarterback appears to be a 46 year old man fresh off the couch, still brushing the potato chip crumbs out of his neckbeard and burping the alphabet, but Missouri has left me no choice. Unlike some other teams in this countdown, their schedule still includes some legitimate foes, so the honor goes to them.

3) USC
LT. GORDON SAYS:
PETE CARROLL: Are you really the coach of the most dangerous program in the country?
AL GROH: (Voice breaking) No.
PETE CARROLL: No? Then why do you act like him?
AL GROH: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.
PETE CARROLL: Yeah, you do, Al. You *really* do!

Full disclosure: I actually like Mark Sanchez, which is important because it's the first time in recorded history that I have looked at a USC player and not wanted to make a pencil disappear into his orbital socket. He is a great athlete, and his earnestness is appealing. That pleasant little surprise aside, you can't possibly expect me to reward USC for opening their season with a hopelessly mismatched trip to Virginia. It also wasn't fair of them to make sure Tiki Barber would be on campus to ensure a negative attitude in the Cavalier locker room. All in all, don't open your season with a cupcake and a bye and think that this automatically makes you the best team in the nation. Overrated teams thrive on the indulgence of society's understanding. I look forward to your inevitable downfall. Thanks so much!

4) Texas
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Colt McCoy is looking good, but if we learned anything last season, it's that Texas will crumble like a sweet muffin without him. That offensive line needs to make sure they are prepared for Arkansas, because Bobby Petrino has personally equipped the defense with a weaponized hallucinogen designed to make McCoy see horrible demons with flaming eyes.

Colt can be destroyed, or locked up. But if he makes himself more than just a man, if he devotes himself to an ideal, and if they can't stop him, then he becomes something else entirely. A legend. I'm not counting Texas out.

5) Florida
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Know your limits, Master Meyer. Florida may have dominated Hawaii, and pulled away from Miami, but the Gator offense has looked sluggish in the first half of both games. Sometimes (Hawaii) you can get away with that. Sometimes (SEC opponent) you cannot. You should have learned this last year, at LSU, and then again at the Cocktail Party. Didn't you get the memo?

6) Auburn
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Gentlemen of the SEC West, it's time to spread the word. And the word is...panic. This offense looks terrifying, and Tommy Tuberville is clearly the Ra's al-Ghul of the conference. Keep your eye on Auburn.

7) LSU
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Some men aren't looking for anything logical, like money. They can't be bought, bullied, reasoned or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn. Les Miles is one of these men. The fact that his most explosive playmakers have made the jump to the NFL will not make a damn iota of difference to this man. He will still run impossible trick plays and make the ballsiest calls in football. He just doesn't care. Don't overlook LSU because you think they've lost their power. Miles is their greatest strength, and he remains.

8) Wisconsin
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Surprise, Ohio State! I am your new cell mate in the Big Ten. And I'm here to make your life a living hell. Prepare for a bitter harvest. Winter has come at last. QB Allan Evridge has the unenviable task of replacing cyborg Tyler Donovan, but is off to an impressive start.

9) Georgia
LT. GORDON SAYS:
I hate to disappoint you, Georgia, but my rubber lips are immune to your charms.

Perhaps you're asking yourself how I can justify ranking Georgia ninth when the AP poll has them second. The reasons are legion, but here are the big two.
1) I believe Matthew Stafford to be the most overrated player in college football. He is surrounded by talent, but lacks any real It Factor of his own.
2) I've witnessed what happens to Georgia the first time something goes wrong. The wheels come off. The fans turn against them in seconds. The coaches become so frustrated that they can't function. The players make stupid mistakes and try to force big plays, which results in manifold turnovers. Georgia does not make it through this season unscathed...I guarantee you. And the first time they lose, there won't be a comeback like the one they made after the Tennessee game last year. Last year, they were just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen. THIS year, the high expectations will slowly break them. Mark me. MARK ME.

Just in case you still think my logic is biased, allow me to remind you that I have no reason to be bitter: 35-14.

10) East Carolina
LT. GORDON SAYS:
Sometimes people deserve to have their faith rewarded.

LEE CORSO: You know what they say? They say West Virginia can't be killed. They say Pat White drinks blood. They say...
SKIP HOLTZ: I say... you're full of shit, Corso. Oh, uh, you can quote me on that.

We are living in a world where a team like East Carolina, heretofore known primarily for their badass purple uniforms [and pirate mascot! --H], can deliver back-to-back upsets of presumably superior teams. I don't know about you, Miss Kitty, but suddenly I feel so...much...yummier about this season. They've introduced a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. Skip Holtz is an agent of chaos. [Can we drop the WV AD's office into a vat of acid for hiring Bill Stewart? Thank you. --H.]

Misc.

TENNESSEE
Why so serious, Vols fans? The night is darkest just before the dawn. And I promise you, the dawn is coming. Sure, our new offense looked like shit. Sure, Crompton looked like a Pee-Wee third-stringer. Sure, we lost to an inferior opponent. Put all that aside; it is of no consequence. We lost some humiliating games last year and still won the SEC East, where we almost beat the 2-loss national champions. I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you...stranger. And stranger things have happened than Tennessee making an unbelievable turnaround. Go Vols!

JONATHAN CROMPTON [confusedly]: The receiver goes out, and then I throw the football. No-no, wait, wait, wait, wait. I throw the football and *then* the receiver goes out...no, WAIT!

COLORADO
Joygasm! The majestic Buffs are 2-0! And I thought MY jokes were bad. They actually look better than anyone has a right to expect.

WEST VIRGINIA
Morgantown's time has come. Like Constantinople or Rome before it, the city has become a breeding ground for suffering and injustice. Somebody needs to give Pat White one of those blue flowers that grow near the League of Shadows' headquarters, and hope it will freak him out enough to wake his ass up. [I would like to point out at this time that Pat White can neither block for nor pass to himself. WFV's players are no longer afraid of their coach, and that's a real problem. --H.]

ALABAMA
NICK SABAN: Look around you, Bowden: you'll see a referee, a line judge, a head linesman, and a field judge. Now, I wouldn't have a second's hesitation of blowing your head off right here and right now in front of 'em. Now, that's power you can't buy! That's the power of fear. Perhaps you'll think twice next time before daring to tackle Julio Jones.

For if knowledge is power, then a GOD AM *I*! [pauses] Was that over the top? I can never tell.

We all know that Alabama looked faster than a black Tumbler in their opener against Clemson; however, they struggled against a feisty Tulane team this weekend. Their problems with consistency will come back to haunt them later in this season, but I foresee some big wins for them.

BYU-WASHINGTON
You thought we could be a decent team in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. The kind of chance that would allow for an amazing last-minute touchdown, but also for a completely ridiculous celebration penalty that ending up costing you the game. There's nothing for me to do but say I'm sorry.

OHIO STATE
Ohio State: the most overrated team in the nation::
a) Chris O'Donnell: the ruination of the Batman franchise
b) Neon paint and strobe lights: Tim Burton's franchise vision
c) All of the above.

MARYLAND
If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast! Maryland looked good in the opener, and it was great to have Steffy back. But then, just like last year, Steffy got sidelined with a pesky minor injury just persistent enough to cause real problems. And also just like last year, Chris Turner: Hobbit of College Park stepped in. I loves me some Chris Turner, but I understand that he needs time to get back into the rhythm of leading this team. I still think Maryland can be damn, damn good this year. You'll see. Jordan Steffy is the QB Maryland deserves, but not the one it needs right now. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector...a dark Terp.

doncha come back

Not the most pleasing array of games, tonight included. I'm hitting the road this week for two separate my-professional-future-related trips, and I can't say I'll be too unhappy to miss a lot of next weekend. Yeesh.

Off to San Diego Tuesday morning through Friday night; Chicago the following Sunday morning through Friday night. Play nice. [She says, as though she will not be haunting this place from a series of far-flung hotel rooms.]

Introducing a Grand Experiment

So this is an idea that I've been kicking around for a couple years now and just never got around to, that breaks down the tricky intangible issues inherent in any quality fantasy draft. It's an experimental league with three teams: The All-Hair, All-Name, and All-Felon All-Stars. The teams are small, the league is of the keeper persuasion, and we'll be charting their progress throughout the course of the season to determine, scientifically, whether it's more to your advantage to draft, say, a drunk driver over a guy with a wicked fu manchu.

Meet the teams:

The All-Name All-Stars



• QB John David Booty
• RB B.J. Askew
• RB Madison Hedgecock
• WR Jerricho Cotchery
• WR Chad Ocho Cinco*
• TE Jeb Putzier
• K Shaun Suisham**
• D Atari Bigby
• D D'Qwell Jackson
• D Lawyer Milloy
• D Madieu Williams

*Replacing the tragically cut Craphonso Thorpe
**Replacing the tragically cut Jay Feely

The All-Hair All-Stars


NB: Most of these headshots do not do this team justice. Below, links to the coifs for which they were selected.

• QB David Carr
• RB Clinton Portis
• RB Edgerrin James
• WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh
• WR Kevin Curtis*
• TE Chris Cooley
• K Jeff Reed
• D A.J. Hawk
• D Scott Fujita
• D George Wilson
• D Will Blackmon

*Replacing the tragically cut Drew Carter

The All-Felon All-Stars



• QB Colt Brennan
• RB Jamal Lewis
• RB Larry Johnson
• WR Chris Henry
• WR David Tyree
• TE Jerramy Stevens
• K Sebastian Janikowski
• D Leonard Little
• D Tank Johnson
• D Ray Lewis
• D Joey Porter

I'm legitimately excited to see where this goes, which I suppose says nothing good, but too late now: The season is upon us. Now let us have it: Who'd we miss? What other All-Star teams are worthy of inclusion? Let's make some science.

Thanks to Peter, Janie, and Colin for their draft day assistance.

Today's Specials:

Cheering interests in bold (and we're backing a pack of road teams this week, meaning today will be not only boring but angrifying):

• Miami Ohio* @ Michigan
• Southern Miss @ Auburn
• San Diego State** @ Notre Dame
• West Fuckin' Virginia @ East Carolina
• Miami @ Florida
• Texas @ UTEP

as promised...

BABY PICTURES BABY PICTURES

Required Reading

• Second column at Yahoo(!) is up, this week from Seattle. Look, my name's up there and everything:
  
  I am nine kinds of underqualified to be rolling with these two, but I'm not complaining. I'm too busy digging my current colleague/future husband's Dr. Lou moves.
• Homer/Awayer Scramble continues with my erstwhile Fort Sanders neighbor, in which I somehow manage to recycle my bees joke from....
• EDSBS Naked Sushi Buffet Picks, Week 2. Like it raw? Us, too.
• [food-based segue] Sarah brings last season's MeatAndCheeseAndCheeseAndCheese Friday beat back, in our new pink digs.

Really, really glad, for everyone's back teeth, that this is over and done with

And sorta thankful that the continued ineptitude of Time Warner Cable made me miss this.

CATLAB nightmare realm without end, amen.

We ask, CATLAB answers. And this time, he answered for Janie.

You know, this kicks off, and you're thinking, "Golly, this is mellow. Where's the brainfuck?" And then you hit the 37-second mark, and it's all through the looking glass from there.

Welcome to the world, Baby Girl.

Our fambly got one-upped today, y'all. As soon as I saw the "You have picture mail!" notification, I knew what it had to be. And she doesn't disappoint. It's so hard to stay mad at the world when confronted with the MOST AWESOMEST BABY EVER.

World, meet Everette Katherine. Isn't she something? In addition to her unsurpassed beauty, she's so smart. We can tell already.

Her daddy is my twinsy Caesar, pictured in the middle with me here, and he's a phenomenally talented photographer himself, so just as soon as he can notch a full night's sleep we're expecting a torrent of shots. See you in October, youngling.

GOP suh-NAP

More tailgate pictures that aren't as pretty because I took them on my phone:

My people. Oh, my people.

The Waltz. (I couldn't get a clear shot of it, but some gigantor drunk guy weaseled his way between the two tiniest cheerleaders on the other end of the line and was just swaying the hell out of the song with an expression that dared anyone to tell him to move.)

Rocky Top, youngling

The greatest hat in recorded human history. All it's missing is a coonskin tail off the back.

Get me Ainsley Hayes. (With an N.)

The sheer cynicism of tapping Palin aside, the fact that she is the BEST the GOP could come up with, that she represents what Republicans think will speak to women in America...ouch, old guys. We're better than that. We're certainly better than this vacuous cunt.

Sarah Palin, you are not my Sister, and you do not speak for me.

In a world without awesome...

Quel horrorshow.

Obvs, I was not acquainted with the In A World Guy, but I met Dan when I was 18, making my CBT crew debut on Arcadia (and for reasons I cannot recall, named my first backup hard drive after his character--I called it Jellaby, the Information Butler). He was in nearly every show I worked after that for the next five years, it seems. I'll never forget the time he rolled up with his college-age nephews to a cast party, and watching the looks on their faces as a horde of stage-madeup coeds swarmed their uncle. He's probably rocking some wicked magic tricks for God right about now. We'll miss you, Dan.

Will you look at that? I bounced back.

With a vengeance.

depiction of yesterday's events leading up to the first snap, which is about when things started to go wrong, plus bonus shot of Lou Holtz dangerously close to sideline infraction:

OW, MY FOOTBALL TEAM HURTS

I called Spencer from our tailgate, shrieking that the band of Bruins next to us was blasting Eurotrash techno, that their fans didn't want to talk football with us, content to bellow YOOOO SUCK, and that I was a stranger in a strange land. Postgame, I'm still a stranger in a strange land, for entirely different reasons:

• I don't know when I'll get used to us having safeties with names worth remembering, let alone pulling down passes.
• Did I miss something? What's going on with Daniel Lincoln? Since when is he not a lock from that distance (and that other distance, which was SHORT, not wide, which, huh??)?
• How did I get sunburned on my nose and feet and nowhere else?
• Crompton is staying put a good two or three seconds longer than he needs to before passing, and he's doing it a lot.
• So one of our central theses the last couple weeks has been the adjustment period for UCLA to Chow's schemes. I'm wondering if it didn't come a little bit at the expense of taking into account the adjustment period Tennessee will face at the hands of the Clawfense just because of exposure (Chow all famous, Clawfense all secret shhhh secret).
• Of course, it's hard to tell, because....our other central thesis? That, more than other games, UT-UCLA was going to spell out a lot about both teams' seasons because of the new offenses on both sides? Kinda got blown to hell because I was in the 12th row, staring hard at the field for 4 hours, and I couldn't tell you with a rifle to my head what this offense is supposed to look like. Missed assignments, dropped passes, Crompton gesturing wildly behind the line to get his backs in the right places? Sure. New personnel. New schemes. If Josh McNeil says it's "complicated", we're bound to have growing pains. But I have not the infinitesimal-est clue what they're going for here. Did it look any more coherent from above? Hit me.

Southland to Southland

This is it. You will not believe how much of Rocky Top made the trip. And though I and my crew were raised to be proper be-sundressed hostesses and ambassadors of all things good and South-y in situations like this...cut my arm open and out flows an orange not found in nature. And when thoughts turn to our barbarian horde striking fear into the hearts of Westwood and the streets of Pasadena, it gets all bubbly-like. Our hair will be shiny, our manner will be sweet, but blood makes the grass grow and we'll howl 'til we see some.

We love you, boyos. You've got 60 minutes. Make it hurt.