Snarkastic

And Mr. Moundshroud, way up there on the roof, sent his thoughts back:

read things:

• Naked Sushi Picks. If we didn't pick your game, I assure you it's only because your team, and you, are undeserving of any smidge of happiness on this earth.
• "I didn't ask the man for a quote. I didn't need to."
• Progress!
• Breathe.
• I made some art.
• Scramble, which I am SO WINNING, not due to any real skill on my part, but because the Awayers are terrible, and if TGC loves me at all he will adopt me to the home side next season. You listening, son?
• Oh god. ohgodohgodohgod. WHO IS WRITING THIS. I AM PANICKING ALMOST AS MUCH NOT KNOWING WHO IS WRITING THIS AS I WILL BE WHEN I FIND OUT WHO IS WRITING THIS, WHICH IS TO SAY QUITE A BIT.

El Dia de los motherfuckers

Or I will attack, and you don't want that.

It's efficient!

I'm the world's worst pumpkin carver, Tuesday's stroke of genius notwithstanding. I have never managed to cut a successful circle in the top of the damn thing to begin with. Even if I draw it on first, I am constitutionally incapable of making the ends meet up.

Nathaniel hit upon a rather elegant solution:

Jesus wept.

You may have heard about this already. It's been in the local news a lot around here because Scott County's coming to Catholic on Friday for their final regular season game, and they've been doing a bunch of fundraisers for families of the victims at the school.

And maybe I'm just in a Crazy Old Testament God state of mind, but after hearing that Westboro Baptist's gang of starfuckers are coming to town (first to protest the funerals, now claiming they're going to the high school itself)? I can't think of anything more righteous than for every Scott County resident who encounters one of these monsters to punch their fucking faces in. I want their mouths to bleed. I want them spitting teeth because they can't be changed, won't be changed, and for the pain they've caused in this life they deserve a sneak preview of what surely awaits them in the next.

desperation is the mother of awesome

2:44 PM: "What've we got for this afternoon?"

45 minutes later...

It's not that I like the Empire; I hate it, but there's nothing I can do about it right now

The meteor game to end all meteor games is upon us and this might be hard to understand, but...when one's Floridian benefactor says, "Wanna hate Georgia rill, rill hard in front of an audience of thousands?", there's not a lot of saying no to that. There's just no comparable Georgia platform that would allow me to do something like this, so think of it not so much "pro-Gator" as "virulently anti-Dawg" and we'll all breathe a little easier, no?

(p/s I did not, in fact, write the Cutting Edge joke, going to show that even men of Gainesville can be brought to the light, kindasorta.)

your dumbass title here

I either numbed up in record time following Saturday night's loss or I bled everything out fast enough to prevent the onset of any actual feelings. Regardless, the Personal Gridiron Satisfaction Index is null and void this week. For one thing, it needs a new title. Got any bright ideas? I called it what it is--a brief list of things that brought a skip to my shiny black heart--but it's a stupid name, and those glittery .gifs deserve better. For another--nothing could unbreak my heart right now, and writing about giggleworthy moments is beyond futile. (Although a Tivo copy of Auburn-WFV might have done the trick, but my flight encompassed the whole damn game. And I have yet to sit down with LSU-Georgia in HD, which I've heard may prevent me from calling Saturday's Meteor Bowl for Florida outright.)

Eight days left on this trip. More cousins to drop in on (guaranteed conversation opener: "You're so TAN! You gone HOLLYWOOD? Get it??"), more vulgar pumpkins to carve, more wordless pawing at my new haircut in the mirror, which my trusty stylist calls an "asymmetrical bob", and which I call "I HAVE NO HAIR". (Any cut that involves locks ending above my shoulders is sure sign of recent emotional trauma (WHO LET ME GET IN A SALON CHAIR AFTER BACK-TO-BACK VOLS AND COLTS LOSSES? I WANT NAMES) and should be commented upon with extreme caution. That said, I usually HATE what I end up looking like the first day or two and then grow into it, and I got this done this morning and was coming around on it by dark-thirty, so if anyone needs me tomorrow I'll prolly be making out with myself.) Posting likely sketchy until I trudge back westward.

This is Halloween(?)

Spot Holly's pumpkin:

(What?)

Laff Riot 99: Destroyers! [clap clap]

8:35:05 AM Nastinchka: Remember when you told me the loss of my coach would end my youth?
8:35:08 AM Nastinchka: You were so right.
8:35:13 AM Nastinchka: I can't believe we're having this discussion.
8:35:19 AM Swindle: I didn't want it to be true.
8:35:21 AM Nastinchka: Everyone's emailing me about it and I don't know what to say.
8:35:22 AM Swindle: But it is.
8:35:46 AM Nastinchka: I'm not gonna be much help on this one and it's not because I don't think we should cover it, it's because I don't know what to say.
8:36:13 AM Nastinchka: Does not compute. Bleep, bloop.
8:38:01 AM Nastinchka: Another thing to resent: I feel dirty talking about a new coach when we still have one EVEN THOUGH I HATE HIM
8:38:07 AM Nastinchka: What the hell?
8:38:59 AM Swindle: When Spurrier left, it ended my youth. I don't really know what to say other than that: everything that went before is truncated and bastardized on the hard drive.
8:39:29 AM Swindle: Even my relationships with people forged before then seem cheaper and lost.
8:39:46 AM Swindle: It was the thing that told me to grow up.
8:39:54 AM Swindle: It didn't take, but that was the message.
8:40:09 AM Nastinchka: I am so uncomfortable with the acute emotional distress I'm feeling.
8:40:14 AM Nastinchka: Which is just distressing me more.
8:40:30 AM Nastinchka: And I don't even like the guy. I can't imagine what you went through.
8:40:56 AM Swindle: Oh, I love Spurrier. I actually think I owe him an intellectual debt for borrowing whole pieces of his approach to life.
8:41:12 AM Nastinchka: In life, you are up 40 and throwing?
8:41:24 AM Swindle: I'm throwing no matter what the score is.
10:44:45 AM Nastinchka: overripe pumpkin with a penchant for bullshit punt formations that ARE NEVER GOING TO FUCKING WORK.
10:44:55 AM Nastinchka: (I think I'm moving to "anger.")

12:07:09 PM Nastinchka: Touchdown, Texas Tech, 2nd play
12:07:09 PM Swindle: Oh, my
12:07:20 PM Nastinchka: Wasn't it cute when they tried to run?
12:07:34 PM Swindle: he did swipe his jersey. GOLD STAR!

4:32:05 PM PB: I feel like a lunatic. VALIDATE ME, TEXAS FANS
4:32:14 PM Nastinchka: You ARE a lunatic, and we love you for it.
4:32:57 PM PB: Yes, but... I was sorta hoping other looney-bins would come out and make me feel amongst friends.
4:33:02 PM PB: We're on an island!
4:33:06 PM PB: Crazypants!
4:33:13 PM PB: Straightjacket us!
4:33:19 PM Nastinchka: NOT IN A SEXCY WAY
4:33:35 PM PB: No, in an electric shock way. Bell Jar. Fuck.
4:34:05 PM Nastinchka: Peter. Go get a beer.
4:34:10 PM Nastinchka: You're gripping.
4:34:18 PM PB: I'm gone
4:34:23 PM PB: Off the edge
4:34:25 PM PB: No parachute.
4:34:29 PM PB: FLYIN!
4:34:34 PM Nastinchka: BEST LEARN TO FLY BRAH

1:52:41 PM Nastinchka: There's an ad in the EDSBS sidebar for BetUS
1:52:53 PM Nastinchka: but it's in all caps, so I saw BETUS and thought it was a Joe Tiller thing
1:53:25 PM Swindle: It is. It's code for the Tillermunati
1:53:46 PM Nastinchka: Should I--no. No. They'll find me. When the time is right.

4:58:12 PM Livia: If we go, will you make sure I only eat things that are fried in lard, or made out of pumpkins?

1:02:00 AM Princess PrettyPants: be careful what you wish for
1:02:05 AM Nastinchka: Just saying
1:02:18 AM Princess PrettyPants: think of willy korn and shut the hell up
1:02:24 AM Nastinchka: willy korn
1:02:27 AM Nastinchka: You'd like him
1:02:30 AM Nastinchka: he's fluffy
1:02:56 AM Princess PrettyPants: this has gone to a dark place
1:03:02 AM Nastinchka: g'night!
1:03:05 AM Princess PrettyPants: OH HE IS FLUFFY
1:03:09 AM Nastinchka: SEE
1:03:14 AM Nastinchka: WILLY KORN
1:03:18 AM Nastinchka: welcome to the fold.
1:03:24 AM Princess PrettyPants: WILLY KORN WILLY KORN WILLY KORN

8:34:16 PM Nastinchka: sox push game 7. whee!
8:34:27 PM Swindle: ...
8:34:34 PM Swindle: Someone loud and white is happy
8:34:51 PM Nastinchka: Hey, I have been a fan of this team for how long? and it's already gotten me laid.
8:34:58 PM Nastinchka: This is what we call a positive pattern.
8:35:09 PM Swindle: Fandom is not venereal
8:35:18 PM Nastinchka: ssshhhh.

9:10:39 PM Swindle: What sucked was saying this.
9:10:47 PM Swindle: "But I like American Apparel!"
9:10:56 PM Nastinchka: ...they have cute knee socks.
9:11:05 PM Swindle: Si!
9:11:20 PM Nastinchka: And they're right around the corner, I can just stop in instead of walk of shaming it in last night's clothes.
9:11:37 PM Swindle: And Amurrican made
9:11:50 PM Swindle: So foreigners don't get my money, those gill-breathing bastards
9:12:28 PM Nastinchka: Freedom costs a buck oh five, just like these kicky legwarmers.

4:48:33 PM Nastinchka: I got linked in the Knoxville paper this morning
4:48:41 PM Nastinchka: Which I found out thanks to a phone call from my father
4:48:44 PM PB: !!
4:48:54 PM Nastinchka: Who remained in the dark about this blog a FULL YEAR after the shirtless bet incident
4:49:15 PM Nastinchka: Thanks, Knoxville.
4:49:21 PM Nastinchka: Not only are you the worst newspaper in existence
4:49:27 PM Nastinchka: but now this
4:49:31 PM PB: nice
4:49:32 PM Nastinchka: I thought about replacing the post
4:49:42 PM Nastinchka: with a 500 word screed about the KNS sports editor
4:49:51 PM Nastinchka: Who, as you'll recall, I coined the phrase "hate in the face" for

1:19:48 PM Swindle: Holy hell. It's still the first quarter.
1:20:09 PM Nastinchka: We were just remarking that very thing
1:20:53 PM Nastinchka: But with more words between "first" and "quarter"

10:56:41 PM Nastinchka: ....everything that moves now looks like a bug
10:56:57 PM Nastinchka: including a lock of my own hair falling out of my ponytail and causing me to almost throw the laptop
10:57:30 PM PB: oh, my
10:57:32 PM PB: time for bed?
10:57:36 PM Nastinchka: MAYBE

9:03:45 AM Nastinchka: I think it's awesome that you're winning, btw. I was hoping something like this would happen.
9:03:50 AM 'Bus: And I'm the one that mixes up the AFC and the American League.
9:04:12 AM Nastinchka: That's what makes you so good! No attachments, no emotional baggage for certain players.
9:04:46 AM Nastinchka: Seriously, this is exactly what I thought would happen. I'm very pleased you're doing so well.
9:04:56 AM 'Bus: Thanks. I think it's 99% luck, right? The only smart thing I've done was pick up Matt Forte after the draft, all of my draft picks were based on a simple calculation, and I happened to get really lucky with Jay Cutler and Brandon Marshall.
9:05:35 AM Nastinchka: Oh, it's incredibly luck-based
9:05:41 AM Nastinchka: but we all have superstitions that hamper us
9:06:06 AM Nastinchka: I keep a roster space open Stokley every year, even though he's a slot receiver.
9:06:09 AM Nastinchka: Just because.
9:06:22 AM Nastinchka: Joan has to have all the Saints she can get.
9:06:23 AM Nastinchka: Etc.
9:07:03 AM Nastinchka: I always blow a high draft pick on him just so no one else uses him for a bargaining chip with me
9:07:08 AM Nastinchka: because they'd get whatever they want.

4:43:04 PM Nastinchka: (Seriously. He wants. pictures of my pedicure.)
4:44:37 PM WorstFan: i can't even formulate in my head what asking for that would look like without laughing too hard

10:21:32 AM Nastinchka: gah
10:21:35 AM Nastinchka: it's like an earwig
10:21:39 AM Swindle: YES!
10:21:42 AM Nastinchka: (do those go in your ear?)
10:21:54 AM Swindle: No. But earworms do.
10:22:05 AM Nastinchka: OK, it's like that.

6:14:50 PM Nastinchka: thx
6:14:56 PM PB: thank YOU
6:15:00 PM Nastinchka: nonononono
6:15:01 PM Nastinchka: thank YOU
6:15:15 PM Nastinchka: (signing off before this can get to NO YOU HANG UP)
6:15:17 PM PB: whoa-no-no-uh-uh-nnnnuh-NO
6:15:27 PM Nastinchka: Nicely phoneticized.
6:15:32 PM Nastinchka: Nup! NUP!

1:26:31 PM Swindle: I also own "Won't Get Fooled Again."
1:26:43 PM Swindle: Something about my brain understands what keith moon is doing there
1:26:47 PM Swindle: brothers in disorder.
1:27:01 PM Nastinchka: He's ALL lizard brain.
1:27:09 PM Swindle: Oh, that's the fun part.
1:27:18 PM Swindle: It's great putting math people on that one and watching them die.
1:27:31 PM Swindle: "BUT...BUT...HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE KEEPING TIME!!!!"

12:51:39 PM Nastinchka: How did America pass by the time for primetime puppet-fueled entertainment?
12:51:58 PM Swindle: I dunno. I'm still seriously considering getting an animal tat
12:52:25 PM Nastinchka: long's Gwinnett Cty thinks it's Taz, you'll fit right in.
12:52:36 PM Swindle: See, that's the problem.
12:52:53 PM Swindle: For some reason, there's a huge gulch between having a Taz tat, and an Animal tat
12:53:56 PM Nastinchka: Although the former is a fine adddition to the Stuff Orange And White People Like list.

10:07:14 PM Livia: there is a show on tv about this famous baltimore bakery
10:07:22 PM Livia: and they are making a birthday cake for motherfucking tom clancy
10:07:24 PM Livia: who requested....
10:07:27 PM Livia: A TOWER OF LONDON CAKE
10:07:30 PM Livia: We are one.

2:30:58 PM Swindle: I was trying to think of a trilogy of movies I could watch in a 9-12 hour block
2:31:34 PM Swindle: Star Wars, 4-6, I could do
2:32:32 PM Swindle: I could do several associated movies
2:34:03 PM Swindle: The Cocaine trilogy
2:34:24 PM Nastinchka: Bring it On, Bring It On Again, and Bring It On; All Or Nothing?
2:34:30 PM Swindle: Scarface/Blow/Good Fellas
2:34:34 PM Nastinchka: ...oh.
2:34:43 PM Swindle: But sure, that will do, too
2:38:59 PM Swindle: Bruckheimer 3 pack
2:39:00 PM Swindle: Go
2:39:05 PM Swindle: Make them count
2:39:05 PM Nastinchka: No.
2:39:12 PM Nastinchka: He's my Rubicon.
2:39:30 PM Nastinchka: Armageddon is in the Criterion Collection, there is no god, the end.
2:39:36 PM Swindle: I'm going across. Tie a rope to me and if it pulls tight, cut it and save yourself
2:39:47 PM Nastinchka: Unless I can count Pirates of the Caribbean, which I loved to distraction.
2:39:53 PM Swindle: No you may not.
2:40:00 PM Nastinchka: hissss
2:40:00 PM Nastinchka: OK
2:40:02 PM Nastinchka: I can do this.
2:40:37 PM Nastinchka: (Why can't I count Pirates? Because it was good?)
2:40:49 PM Swindle: Yes
2:40:52 PM Swindle: Depp, too
2:41:00 PM Nastinchka: Black Hawk Down.
2:41:11 PM Nastinchka: Top Gun.
2:41:38 PM Swindle: Come on. You can do it.
2:42:12 PM Nastinchka: And the forthcoming sequel to National Treasure (YES THEY ARE MAKING ANOTHER ONE.)
2:42:29 PM Swindle: Oh, no.
2:42:38 PM Nastinchka: Oh, YES.
2:42:42 PM Swindle: You didn't take any of mine
2:43:05 PM Nastinchka: If you say Coyote Ugly, we're done here.

12:36:12 AM Nastinchka: "gigs"?
12:36:17 AM Nastinchka: IS SHE MODELING NOW?
12:36:21 AM Princess PrettyPants: HA
12:36:21 AM Nastinchka: IS SHE A BOAT SHOW MODEL
12:36:22 AM Princess PrettyPants: no
12:36:37 AM Nastinchka: Good, because I already have one of those in my life and she's a ruh-HAGING cuntface.
12:36:45 AM Princess PrettyPants: holly. she is not pretty enough to be a boat show model
12:36:59 AM Nastinchka: Neither's this girl
12:37:06 AM Princess PrettyPants: ruh-HAGING cuntface. amazing
12:37:18 AM Nastinchka: I tried to spell it like you'd say it. How'd that work out?
12:37:26 AM Princess PrettyPants: totes perf
12:37:42 AM Nastinchka: [fourteen-step secret handshake]

12:56:44 PM Nastinchka: SportsCenter is doing "notable sports beards."
12:56:47 PM Nastinchka: On television.
12:56:49 PM Nastinchka: Lines blur.
12:56:55 PM Swindle: Yes. It was meant to happen.
12:57:31 PM Nastinchka: They're calling Roererhjthburger "one of the greatest bearded qbs to ever win a super bowl"
12:57:44 PM Nastinchka: So now I'm kind of in love with the whole feature
12:57:45 PM Swindle: Dan Fouts had a badass beard.

4:57:06 PM PB: On second thought, I'm gonna save that Longhorn love until the show's end.
4:57:12 PM Nastinchka: Make it the closing song
4:57:16 PM PB: Yeah
4:57:34 PM PB: Will make an intro from "I Feel Great"
4:57:45 PM Nastinchka: MUST BE NICE [sniffle]
4:57:53 PM PB: Sparkles!
4:57:57 PM Nastinchka: LOL
4:58:00 PM Nastinchka: WHY DID THAT WORK
4:58:03 PM Nastinchka: IT TOTALLY WORKED
4:58:04 PM PB: So great
4:58:05 PM Nastinchka: I AM HAPPY

11:42:51 PM Swindle: It is fiendishly late
11:42:58 PM Nastinchka: Later for you, lawya.
11:42:58 PM Swindle: But it should be noted.
11:43:44 PM Swindle: That I was asked if I was Dwight Schrute at a costume party.
11:43:49 PM Nastinchka: NO
11:43:49 PM Swindle: I was wearing no costume.
11:43:56 PM Nastinchka: ...oh, dear.
11:44:46 PM Swindle: I have vacated my soul in order to avoid the implications of this statement.
11:45:20 PM Nastinchka: Keep it around so you can tie it around your shoulders and wear it like a cape at parties (I'm really drunk)
11:45:58 PM Swindle: No. Leaving it smoking over there in the corner.
11:46:09 PM Nastinchka: Pet it and put it in a sunny place.
11:46:19 PM Nastinchka: oh, wait. That's a chinchilla.
11:46:34 PM Swindle: I was not confused for one of those.

8:35:43 PM Swindle: Manny transcends sport
8:36:52 PM Swindle: In Cleveland, he got pulled over for an illegal U-turn.
8:36:57 PM Swindle: Multiple signs.
8:37:06 PM Swindle: The cop warned him.
8:37:13 PM Swindle: He said, "Oh, I didn't see that."
8:37:17 PM Swindle: "Thanks!"
8:37:39 PM Swindle: He pulled out and went a block
8:38:00 PM Swindle: The cop pulled him over and said "Um...Manny? Did you?"
8:38:07 PM Swindle: Manny just started laughing and took the ticket
8:38:30 PM Nastinchka: he is a rare beast.
8:38:49 PM Swindle: An evening with Manny would be seven unrelated activities.
8:38:55 PM Swindle: Head rubbing.
8:39:00 PM Swindle: Two beers.
8:39:03 PM Swindle: Little foozball
8:39:06 PM Nastinchka: unicorn.
8:39:10 PM Swindle: Long, odd silences
8:39:13 PM Nastinchka: (there would be a unicorn)
8:39:16 PM Nastinchka: (a real one)
8:39:23 PM Swindle: Hot tub
8:39:31 PM Swindle: Unflattering shirtless male nudity
8:39:49 PM Swindle: A viewing of Cool Runnings

12:19:54 PM Swindle: RIC FLAIR JUST CALLED ME BUDDY
12:20:00 PM Nastinchka: [seizure]
12:20:03 PM Swindle: No shit
12:20:12 PM Nastinchka: Can you feel the hair growing on your back?
12:21:45 PM Swindle: I felt the expensive shoes falling from the sky like rain.
12:22:17 PM Nastinchka: It's like an aural punch on the shoulder.
12:23:52 PM Swindle: I could eat glass and it wouldn't hurt me right now.

9:32:47 PM Nastinchka: I say this while wearing a 2007 SEC Eastern Division Champions t-shirt, mind.
9:32:57 PM Nastinchka: (goddamn right they made shirts for that!)
9:32:59 PM Swindle: We all hold onto something.
9:33:08 PM Nastinchka: IT WAS A CHRISTMAS PRESENT
9:33:20 PM Nastinchka: which might be worse, come to think of it
9:33:21 PM Swindle: Staring at "Spurrier Quote" book on bookshelf.
9:33:29 PM Nastinchka: Yeah, OK, we all float.
9:33:45 PM Swindle: Your phone message is still the Pennywise song.
9:34:00 PM Nastinchka: Oh, SHIT.
9:34:07 PM Nastinchka: I keep forgetting about that
9:34:35 PM Nastinchka: Before that, it was me and Livvy singing the Monday Night Football theme with all the words changed to "shmoo"
9:34:38 PM Nastinchka: in harmony
9:34:42 PM Nastinchka: So, baby steps.

1:53:57 PM Swindle: The Chase Daniel Vid got linked on Towleroad
1:54:07 PM Swindle: Best comment:
1:54:17 PM Swindle: "I'm just excited that someone knows "Wonderful Ass" by Prince besides me. That was my theme song a few years back in NYC when I first launched into being a rough Top."

12:32:49 AM Princess PrettyPants: do the words preppy hippie mean anything?
12:32:53 AM Princess PrettyPants: this is what she says
12:33:00 AM Princess PrettyPants: that is all we get to know about her
12:33:10 AM Princess PrettyPants: she is APPARENTLY a preppy hippie
12:33:20 AM Nastinchka: It means that she shops at Ann Taylor but once slept with a guy in a Widespread Panic shirt
12:34:22 AM Princess PrettyPants: it means she is a 'free spirit' who likes the arts and likes listening to fratty jam bands and who smoked pot just enough to make her feel credible

9:40:54 PM Swindle: I'm going to have to make some kind of Viking adjustment to the lack of daylight. Increase booze intake, or start getting up at 5
9:41:06 PM Swindle: Or kill enemy, drink mead from their skull.
9:41:14 PM Swindle: Think Rick Reilly'd mind?
9:41:22 PM Nastinchka: It's not like he's busy.
9:41:27 PM Nastinchka: BAZOW
9:42:11 PM Swindle: "He drank a cocktail from my head like he was an alcoholic!" [/phonin'itin]

4:59:31 PM Nastinchka: ohgod
4:59:34 PM Nastinchka: ohgodohgod
4:59:40 PM Nastinchka: I'm on the phone with my mother
4:59:48 PM PB: uh oh
4:59:50 PM Nastinchka: (I am really sorry I'm about to tell you this)
5:00:08 PM Nastinchka: She wants to know if I want a ladyparts dr appt when I'm home on the same day as her
5:00:15 PM Nastinchka: because she thinks it would be fun to go together
5:00:21 PM Nastinchka: THIS IS NOT AN ACCEPTABLE BONDING ACTIVITY
5:00:39 PM PB: I... wow.
5:00:44 PM Nastinchka: {WAAAAAAIL}
5:01:00 PM PB: [plays fight song louder]
5:01:00 PM Nastinchka: And then I yelled NO, MOTHER
5:01:01 PM Nastinchka: and she got mad
5:01:07 PM Nastinchka: and now I'm trying to talk her down
5:01:15 PM Nastinchka: but I'm RIGHT, right??
5:01:17 PM PB: [clapping to fight song. LOUD FIGHT SONG]
5:01:43 PM Nastinchka: My mom is so Catholic I never even got the sex talk
5:01:50 PM Nastinchka: PETER WHAT IF SHE TRIES TO GIVE ME THE TALK
5:02:31 PM PB: I've tuned you out.
5:02:34 PM Nastinchka: HELP ME
5:02:39 PM PB: I CAN'T. NOT HERE.
5:02:45 PM Nastinchka: I SAID I WAS SORRY
5:02:46 PM PB: I'm too awkward.
5:02:58 PM Nastinchka: And she hung up.
5:02:59 PM PB: I can't have a daughter. Oh God. HELP
5:04:30 PM PB: I can't even hold a baby, to be honest.
5:04:46 PM PB: I have no idea how. And I'm afraid I'll fumble it.
5:05:02 PM PB: (AND I TALK ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S A FOOTBALL.)

5:14:12 PM Nastinchka: Of course, there's a semantics argument there
5:14:18 PM Nastinchka: about "should" remain hidden
5:14:27 PM Nastinchka: but that's dangerous ground.TAK
5:14:34 PM Livia: tak ah lah
5:14:37 PM Livia: tak ah wan
5:15:08 PM Livia: I wonder how Stephen King would feel if he knew the catch phrase of one of his most evil villains had been repurposed as a catch-all.
5:15:23 PM Nastinchka: I honestly can't say
5:15:32 PM Livia: "You don't have these in a size ten heel? TAK!"
5:16:04 PM Nastinchka: sour ground
5:17:56 PM Livia: stop it
5:17:58 PM Livia: STOP

Our friends say it's darkest before the sun rises
We're pretty sure they're all wrong

Like I (over)wrote four years ago, there's just nothing like this game, in victory or defeat.

It's informing everything today, so let's bring this up now and then never mention it again: You know what a to-do this weekend is for the family. Most of them didn't make the trip this year. Both sides of my generation, as of this past spring, have all graduated from Tennessee or Alabama, most of our spawn aren't even in preschool yet, and our parents suddenly seem to all be taking care of their parents who all suddenly seem to be dying all at the same time, the upshot being we walked into Neyland with a skeleton crew tonight, and if I seem like I'm either carrying or desperately trying to stave off a stronger-than-usual emotional investment into what just happened there, that's why. The crimson and orange battalion that's been a part of October my entire life, it's gone; so tonight, I wanted it to Mean Something that I was there. I wanted the epoch mark.

Kinda got one, didn't I?*

I thought bearing witness to John Parker Wilson's coronation last year in Tuscaloosa was bad, but that's a paper cut compared to seeing a second half football team emerge from a crimson chrysalis before 106,000 eyes in our very own home. For the entire first half, whether Alabama was playing beatable football or just being lazy, I thought tonight might Mean Something. The atmosphere in Neyland was the diametric opposite of the Rose Bowl, where bewilderment and anger coursed through the crowd even when we were ahead. All through halftime, we perched behind the Bama bench dazed with wonderment that those beloved boys in orange were hanging in there. And then...I'll always remember I was there, all right. I'll always remember because driving home tonight, right before I almost flipped my dad's truck taking the Campbell Station switchbacks too fast (and stone cold sober), I was wondering what the hell was so great about this game, anyway**, and I meant football itself, not Third Saturday. I can't ever recall blowing past that particular point of no return.

I'm no good with live analysis. I can't look at a football field like I look at a color layer and pull out what's working and what's not right away. It always takes a second viewing for me to settle down enough to hone in on the X's and O's, especially when the first look I get is in Neyland at night and I'm reduced to pure chemical reaction from kickoff to the Waltz. However, LIKE HELL am I sitting through that horrorshow again, so we shall leave the stats and examination of Tennessee's jaw-dropping disciplinary meltdown to the fine gentlemen in the sidebar and I will leave you with the sum total I took away tonight:

• I've seen larger Alabama crowds at Neyland, but not louder.
• Also loud: The Alabama band, performing some sort of cheer as Tennessee trainers examined an injured Vol (Wes Brown?) lying on the field.
• Louder than that: The tidal wave of pure spiteful hollers lashing out at the announcers as they requested, "in the spirit of sportsmanship", that patrons kindly refrain from throwing objects onto the field during The Review That Shall Not Be Spoken Of, which was kinda the funniest thing that happened all night, in the way that you sometimes find yourself laughing hysterically after surviving a terrible car crash.
• How Bad It Got: In the first quarter, there was an anti-Fulmer contingent in the front row of the student section, belligerently waving an upside-down T flag. They left at the start of the fourth quarter. EVEN PEOPLE WHO PAID MONEY TO DENIGRATE THE COACHING STAFF ON NATIONAL TELEVISION COULDN'T WATCH THIS GAME TO THE END.

*My sideswept bangs remain undefeated in conference play, but that's obvs not what I meant.

**And lest we forget:

I hate this. I hate you. I hate everything. LuAnn, get your hand off my shoulder. Ain't no pain in the world gonna take the ache outta my heart right now. I hate you all and want you to die.

Today's Specials:

Cheering interests in bold:

Texas Tech @ Kansas
Wake Forest @ Miami
Kentucky @ Florida
Georgia @ LSU
NC State @ Maryland
Oklahoma State @ Texas
Michigan State @ Michigan
Colorado @ Mizzou
Alabama @ Tennessee

I'm here, and so's this:

Motherland.

Death From Above

I'm on my way, darling-ests. See you soon.

Ever wanted to hear a dental dam joke on network TV?

Because lawsy, does Pushing Daisies ever have one for you tonight. I have one complaint, and it's the first moment of annoyance I can remember in a season and change, so let's get it out of the way: PLEASE MOVE NED AND CHUCK BACK IN TOGETHER SO THEY CAN STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. To make up for that, we have Emerson's self-hug, the no-they-aren't-yes-they-ARE-but-it-still-WORKS eyeball reveal, national treasure Dana Davis as Barb in the best guest role of maybe ever, an APPENDIX IN A JAR, an actual zombie, and a final reveal (so to speak) that undoes most of the wrong in the abovementioned gripe.

Quoth the regulars:

"Oh, good. Someone with a gun."
"Now can we hit a bar? I'm starving."
"I want justice at any price." "That's our kinda justice."
"They just scream good humor and bonhomie!"
"Did you see how nice and crazy behind the eyes he got?"
"I'm not leaving Ned alone with Back Room Randy, this place is FULL of freezers."
"If you had the chance to hold onto someone after he or she dies, wouldn't you?"
"You sure aren't faking anything to the contrary."
"Wish I hadn't told you those capris made you look taller."
"If you're so dead, how can you be so needy? Oh, right. YOU'RE SELFISH."
"There's no Spartan running around killing the popular kids, this ain't Thermopylae High."
"No one noticed him until the state championships...when everyone did."
"Is that a good or incredulous question mark at the end of that question?"
"My duvet was metaphorical." "So's mine."

Believe, be healed, Wednesdays at 8/7 Central on ABC.

Every day, a little death:

From: [Momma]
Date: October 22, 2008 3:30:27 PM PDT
To: [Holly]
Subject: d'you get your

boarding pass?

From: [Holly]
Date: October 22, 2008 3:32:19 PM PDT
To: [Momma]
Subject: Re: d'you get your

DAMMIT

You people...

After this I went hunting through the search strings to see what else I've missed lately. The results are not encouraging:

"animal holly edsbs" (lots of variations on this one. thanks!)
"tennessee arkansas 1998 hand of god"
"sam bradford's dick in your mouth"
"club penguin how to become a member without paying"
"conniption skull fire"
"downloadable games that involve me making two boys fuck each other"
"i love drink bear colt"
"free unexpected anal sex"
"fuck todd boeckman"
"horsy sleepover"
"hubris in the masque of the red death" (this takes you here, which, while completely hubris-y, is probably not what you're looking for.)
"saban is a heauxmeaux"
"second base up shirt how to feel"
"jeremy shockey sex drinking"
"shower away messages" (oh, man.)
"samuel jackson disses chad michael murray"
"sometime the snow comes down in may" (come ON.)
"how many thing in tea"
"tooles bend asylum"
"white zip codes"
"zuul gatekeeper costume"
"give me my wasted love back you bitch"
"barefoot and pregnant 13"
"pythons are sick explain joke"
"rain check is gay talk for"
"ENNUI in a sentence"
"how long till you drown a spider"
"what is wrong with the internet"

"...I don't want it."

I wouldn't need to keep evangelizing if the ratings of the finest currently running TV shows (in no particular order, The Shield, Friday Night Lights, Pushing Daisies, and Battlestar Galactica) weren't so freaking paltry. It seems (to me, anyway) that I'm doing one of these posts every other day, but there's so much on right now that's so good and it's never enough for me to love it. I have to make you love it too. I wouldn't keep bugging if I didn't think it was important.

It's season seven of The Shield, and a show that's gone largely unnoticed over on FX since its inception is drawing to a close for good. They've maintained the same cast, the same showrunner (attn: Shawn Ryan, adopt me?), and after seven years they've really got jaw-dropping down to a science. Earlier this season I literally, actually screamed aloud at a particular interrogation tactic. Just screamed at my TV screen and hid my face. Comparing it to any of the other shows listed above is apples-oranges at best (except that three of the four are shot handheld), but these guys are absolutely nonpareil in the edit bay. Only BSG even comes close. That's the angle, of course, that sucks me in and sends professional geek envy chills coursing through my veins, but if you're at all interested in the mechanics of an acting ensemble that's been together this long, badass writing that's Western and noir and barrio concurrently and consecutively, ridiculously crisp shots, or jumping out of your seat and hollering at your television, you'll find something to love.

Tonight was maybe the best episode I've ever seen. That's a bold statement. I'm positively twitching to pour the whole episode out and pick it apart for another thousand words or so. But I can't even dance around what's happening unless you know what's going on, and this is one of those shows where you just can't get by without starting at the beginning. Go grab yourselves some box sets, catch up, and we'll talk, because ZOMG VIC MACKEY IS A GUN-TOTING BEAR-KILLING FUCK-MACHINE, and the end is finally in sight, and I have no idea how they're going to wrap up the series in five episodes but I've got twirly spirals in my eyes and I feel like I just got off that roller coaster at Six Flags that kept killing people.

Cat Post

I don't think I've ever written about pets and it doesn't seem like something I'll be very good at, so just hang with me for a minute and we can get back to talking about Joe Biden.

My family is composed of Cat People. As a unit, I think we all share a deep appreciation for animals with such highly developed senses of expressing spite. We had dogs when I was a shorty, but this parade of cats just sort of crept into our lives without anyone noticing and for the past ten years or so this has been our starting rotation:

Panzer, seen here expressing utter disdain for my new MacBook Pro and the attention being paid to it that rightly belongs to her. We adopted her from the pound as a wee kitten when I was in 4th grade, making her just about 18 years old. Like her namesake, she is a war machine, and other than going deaf she appears to be in perfect health. Was recently pronounced by our family vet as being "too mean to die". This is entirely accurate.

Fat Mitty. My brother's cat. The spherical, placid middle child.

Also, clingy enough to regularly submit to being worn as a stole by Bubby without protest:

Seriously, he's done this for years and not a scratch on him. She just goes where she's put.

Black Cat. Mine. The most smartest and most prettiest critter in creation. Named for the explosive device because that's how you name pets when you're a sullen adolescent.

Black Cat adopted me as a teenager. I was leaving a piano lesson one afternoon and she jumped up into the Jeep behind me. Attempts to remove her from the back seat proved unsuccessful, so I just took her home. From junior high right up until I left for college I spent just about every waking moment at the dance academy, getting home pushing midnight on a regular basis. And there she'd be, waiting at the end of the driveway. I always had to gather everything up before I opened the car door or she'd hop up into my lap. Black Cat would follow me upstairs, drink water from a Dixie cup on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower (not making this up; ask anyone from home), and then follow me to bed. Momma didn't tell me until much later that the first year or so I was off at UT, Black Cat would sit at the end of the driveway, waiting, and still slept in my room.

None of them ever got along, but when I was home last winter, watching the New Year's Day bowl games and packing to leave, all three found their way into the den to sack out with me in front of the big screen:

Black Cat and Fat Mitty won't be there when I get home. Over the summer they both vanished within a week of each other, and Black Cat especially was prone to fits of disappearance since I left home, but Fat Mitty never left the yard and Black Cat had been sick. The day Momma was going to round her up and take her to the vet, she never came home. My parents didn't tell me or my brother for the first month or so. They didn't want to upset us; we both had those unnaturally strong bonds that kids get with their pets, but it's way past time to believe they'll come back now. They've searched the pound, to the vet, and the highway for signs of either of them, but no trace since July. When I pull into the driveway on Friday afternoon, Black Cat won't be there. No water cups on the bathroom floor. No furry headbutts when I'm trying to sleep.

That's how Black Cat communicated, by lowering her head and running at full speed into whichever body part was most convenient. (That, and barking. Seriously, I would talk to her, and she would make this barking noise back. Oh, and she snored. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get to sleep without her damn snoring.) On my last trip home, on my last night in town, I sat cross-legged in the front yard under the streetlamp, and scared the daylights out of whoever was on the other end of the phone when Black Cat came hurtling out of the darkness and right into my shoulder blade and I shrieked like a banshee. After being assured she had my full attention, she settled into my lap and we stayed that way for maybe an hour, listening to the crickets. I'd never seen her sit still for that long outside before.

So this is all by way of saying how completely broken up I am over this. And that if there are squirrels wherever you are, little darling, I hope you're wrecking shop and showing them what the fuck is what.

"This is the most serious election any of you will ever vote in."

Not being a real big fan of either Biden or Ellen, I still have to recommend this. Ellen is funny without mugging! Biden is funny without being a lech! Neat:

And I'm posting this because, well, check it, conservatives:

Biden, who opposes same-sex marriage, is also opposed to Prop. 8. He can put aside his personal convictions and recognize that this is total bullshit. Can you?

read things:

• I'm ten minutes into this Daily Show ep and I implore you: if you have even a little time in your day, scroll to about the four-minute mark and wait for the look on Jon Stewart's face when they cut back from Sarah Palin. Nobody does moments of silence like this guy, and this is his finest one in a long time. (Then stick around for the whiteboard.)
• This is...huh. It's an interesting idea, to be sure. But what kind of interesting?
• About those ground game stories: FiveThirtyEight posted a harbinger-y tale of McCain Grassroots Ack-Shun a couple weeks ago that got a lot of people piqued. Things have not improved, at least not where they're looking. For me, this is far and away the most fascinating storyline in the whole election cycle.

Personal Gridiron Satisfaction Index: 2008.10.20

The on- and off-field moments that make this the most wonderful time of the year:

10. You can't spell buh-bye without BYU. Thank you, Texas Christian, both for having a terrifying mascot (avec foam-sculpted abs, left) and for enabling all of us to drop one of those meddlesome undeserving Utah schools from the top 10. (Also? Those unis, despite consisting largely of purple? Pretty sweet-looking.)

9. FEAR. THE. TURTLE. Maryland shuts out Wake Forest.

8. FanHouse Threat Level, receding. This week's Yahoo(!) column, number eight, was the first that didn't require hasty deletion of an AOLian volume of hate speech from the comment threads. (Happy Valley jokes mercifully redacted. You're welcome.)

7. Fortune favors the brave. Butch Davis, in a tie game, with 45 seconds to go and available timeouts...chose to kneel. And then to lose in overtime to Virginia. Titter!

6. B-Stok, sit this one out, baby. Big ups to Shanahan for resting Stokley this week, and to Football Jesus for the Broncos' bye next week, because DAMN.

5. The Candy-Man can. A WILLY KORN (willy korn willy korn willy korn) appearance and a Clemson loss? But it's not my birthday for months! There's also something delicious about the joint appearance of Willy Korn and a swarm of...well, you know.

4. Guns up, run up. Texas Tech 43, Tractor-Bait A&M 25, and the Dread Pirate Leach went for it on the goal line, up two scores with fifteen seconds to go. It's your job to stop them, Aggies.

3. This:

2. Texas, Hail. Longhorns victorious, and Longhorn Book Deal gets fancy.

1a. Scoreboard. We'll take it.
1bERRY. As in, Eric "Jesus Football Christ" Berry, holder of the SEC's interception yardage record, a record that has stood fast for 60 years...eight weeks into his sophomore season.
1c. Hardesty in flight. An orange-clad back diving over a goal-line pile is...it's like seeing a baby's first laugh, only with more bloodied lips and six points on the end of it. (Oh, and it was Hardesty. Who carried the ball in a football game. Along with Creer, and more on him in a minute. You might remember their names because we've been hollering for them for weeks now.)
1d. Tell 'em, Nicky-Steve. His stats for the game aren't going to turn heads on their own, but in context, check our QBlet: three starts plus one series, the kid has a passer rating of 129.6, with 542 yards, three scores, and no picks. He's still displaying uncommon presence in the pocket for somebody with three collegiate games under his belt, and word out of the locker room says he's popular in the huddle as well. The line I got was, "A tough guy without being a toughguy", if that makes any sense. The mistakes will come; this is the Ess Eee Cee, and we like nothing better than to send guys barrelling across the line begging QBs to make a pass they have no business attempting. But Stephens doesn't rattle easy (or at all, yet), and all signs point to him being able to work through the rest of the season and any impending trauma with similar poise.
1e. Glory, glory hallelujah. This? This is the football I grew up with. There's no way to put it cleverly--watching this drive was pure joy.

Got a bad desire...to run this one down your fucking throat. And the next one. And the next.

and "Smack My Bitch Up" was a lovely touch, thanks.

Chuck usually serves as my trusty Monday night background noise, and I was going to skip tonight based on the stuntcasting of Nicole Richie. If I had, I would've missed Ben "Boy Meets World" Savage, inside-baseball L.A. yogurt jokes, a character named Heather Chandler, the Dawson's Creek theme, and a legitimately surprising dramatic reveal. Of course, Chuck was a surprise from the beginning. This is one of those shows that I just kinda hated on spec and then got hooked on after a single episode, and now it's become a necessary companion to plowing through the Technicolor polls.

"It's in his NAME!"

Ladies, I'm with you, but I think we can grant these guys an exemption, right?

last chance, west coast

If you're Kullyforneeyan and haven't registered to vote yet, you have to mail it in TODAY, so get on that. Keep this state bonny blue, and vote no on Prop. 8 or I will dedicate the rest of my days to praying to a vengeful Old Testament God that you get face cancer and that all your houseplants die. Kisses!

Laff Riot 98: The Land Race

7:39:59 PM Livia: I remember a time when I really liked John McCain, and respected him, even though I disagreed with him on most issues.
7:40:07 PM Nastinchka: Like in 2000. NOT THAT LONG AGO.
7:40:18 PM Livia: Now he just froths aimlessly at the mouth and insults my intelligence.
7:40:31 PM Livia: I also loved when he described Sarah Palin as a role model for women.
7:41:19 PM Livia: Listen, I think it's great that she chose to have her baby, even knowing the issues. I would have done the same thing: CHOSEN to have that baby. But not every woman would have. I wouldn't presume to tell another woman she looked fat in those pants, so why would I tell her what to do with her uterus?

8:52:59 AM Swindle: Lee's onto our Navy pick
8:53:17 AM Nastinchka: Are we getting royalties off this?
8:57:05 AM Nastinchka: Wake Forest is "one of the best coached football teams"....this is the same Wake Forest that almost killed us all last Thursday, right?
8:57:13 AM Nastinchka: Unless that's what he means.
8:57:44 AM Swindle: Yes
8:57:52 AM Swindle: That is precisely what he means
8:58:12 AM Swindle: "Ohio State will open up their offense" BWAHAHAHAHA
8:58:19 AM Nastinchka: [guffaw]
8:59:01 AM Swindle: Corso said SC would upset Clemson at night
8:59:09 AM Swindle: They play LSU
8:59:52 AM Swindle: I can't criticize anyone for being off
9:00:06 AM Nastinchka: You're not paid to be on television.
9:00:50 AM Swindle: Trick: NEITHER IS CORSO

11:54:09 AM S2N: god I love watching GT, even when it's subpar. nothing nicer looking than when they completely fake out a team. BEEEEEEEEEEEEES.
11:55:13 AM Nastinchka: beeees
11:56:25 AM S2N: what # meme is that one? you've started a fairly large number now, and BEEEEES has never stopped being funny.
11:56:42 AM Nastinchka: Have I started any besides beeees?
11:56:52 AM Nastinchka: If I did I didn't notice.
11:57:04 AM S2N: I would have thought so.
11:57:16 AM Nastinchka: I can't think of any offhand, but the thing about beeees is this:
11:57:20 AM Nastinchka: It will last forever.
11:57:23 AM Nastinchka: Not because I made it funny.
11:57:31 AM Nastinchka: But because it will always be really, really fun to say.
11:58:32 AM S2N: yup. a simple genesis.
11:58:42 AM Nastinchka: It was always there.
11:58:45 AM Nastinchka: I just pointed it out.

8:07:50 AM Swindle: "Warren Buffett asks Chase Daniel for financial advice"
8:08:04 AM Nastinchka: Always upsell to cheesy bread?
8:08:21 AM Swindle: "I'm buying pork bellies. And eating them in a tangerine glaze."

11:24:22 PM Nastinchka: OH my god, my fucking fantasy team is a shambles.
11:24:46 PM Nastinchka: My starting QB, RB, WR, and TE were all knocked out last week
11:24:52 PM Nastinchka: my backup QB has a bye
11:25:09 PM Nastinchka: MEEEEEP
11:26:12 PM PB: oh lordy
11:26:24 PM Nastinchka: This doesn't work without you answering all my qs
11:26:33 PM Nastinchka: Stupid having your own team
11:26:57 PM PB: I'm barely paying attention, of course. Should've just been your lackey
11:27:11 PM Nastinchka: Me too, which is why I JUST FIGURED THIS OUT
11:27:38 PM Nastinchka: Maybe between our half-assing we'd have a full-assed team
11:27:47 PM PB: day late, dollar short
11:27:58 PM Nastinchka: More like day late, 140 pts short
11:31:24 PM Nastinchka: oh, jesus, the best available QB is Kyle Orton
11:31:27 PM Nastinchka: THIS IS THE LIVING END
11:31:33 PM PB: haha
11:31:37 PM Nastinchka: NOT FUNNY
11:31:39 PM Nastinchka: (hilarious)

8:18:25 AM Swindle: Bitch put down the ZOU sign so I can read signs.
8:18:33 AM Swindle: SERIOUSLY BITCH I WILL SLAP YOU
8:19:07 AM Swindle: I'm now rooting for OSU to lose four games this year.
8:19:16 AM Swindle: Just to weaken USC's SOS
8:19:39 AM Nastinchka: I can get on board with this.
8:20:18 AM Swindle: But I am going full on Indian game show slap that Mizzou cheerleader if she doesn't stop flashing "ZOU" over otherwise funny signs in the background.
8:24:49 AM Swindle: Like this

10:47:44 AM Texy: Why is it that I live in Boston and yet don't have a Sox rally sex buddy? EPIC FAIL.
10:48:02 AM Nastinchka: You know I never saw him again after that, right?
10:48:15 AM Nastinchka: Every time I see him in the elevator, we just wink
10:48:25 AM Nastinchka: I don't even know his last name.
10:48:30 AM Texy: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
10:48:39 AM Nastinchka: NO YOU ARE
10:48:41 AM Texy: NO YOU
10:48:47 AM Nastinchka: N OYOU HANG UP
10:48:55 AM Texy: LET'S HANG UP AT THE SAME TIME
10:48:58 AM Texy: 1
10:48:59 AM Texy: 2
10:49:02 AM Texy: ....
10:49:02 AM Nastinchka: wait on three?
10:49:06 AM Nastinchka: or one two three go?
10:49:17 AM Texy: On three.
10:49:28 AM Texy: Like.... 1 - 2 - HANGUP.
10:49:31 AM Nastinchka: OK
10:49:35 AM Nastinchka: (we are gross)

5:23:50 PM Nastinchka: Did you catch Verne's rap line?
5:23:56 PM Swindle: NO
5:24:00 PM Nastinchka: He didn't rap
5:24:07 PM Nastinchka: But during Bama he was listing a drive
5:24:10 PM Nastinchka: and he said
5:24:12 PM Nastinchka: no, INTONED
5:24:27 PM Nastinchka: "Punt, punt, fumble, punt. That's not a rap song!" [chortle]
5:24:31 PM Nastinchka: It was magnificent.
5:24:41 PM Swindle: I should sample it.

10:14:00 PM Princess PrettyPants: i LOVE the post that i will claim is all about me
10:14:12 PM Nastinchka: It didn't really fit in the Laff Riot
10:14:22 PM Nastinchka: but posting that was easier than trying to explain why I wasn't coming back yet
10:14:26 PM Nastinchka: No one can read that and deny you
10:14:40 PM Princess PrettyPants: truer words were never spoken
10:14:40 PM Nastinchka: Also, we sound like complete monsters, which is fun
10:15:03 PM Princess PrettyPants: we are not monsters. rather muppets
10:15:13 PM Nastinchka: Muppsters.
10:15:24 PM Princess PrettyPants: too far
10:15:27 PM Nastinchka: By half.

4:45:19 PM Livia: I don't know why Google made this choice, but based on the content of our chat log, they put up a Helen Hayes quote in my ad bar: "Age is not important unless you're a cheese."
4:45:35 PM Livia: I'd like to know what exactly they are implying.
4:45:50 PM Nastinchka: That Helen Hayes is veined with mold?
4:46:09 PM Livia: Also NO FAIR TO US THAT WE CAN'T GO TO THE TIMBERLINE.
4:46:15 PM Nastinchka: HISSSSSSS
4:47:10 PM Livia: Although i am looking at the events schedule...
4:47:29 PM Livia: and I find it weird that they REQUIRE all guests to return to their rooms at midnight to watch The Shining.
4:47:33 PM Nastinchka: MUR-DER
4:48:30 PM Livia: I hope they have people dressed up, like the creepy dogface costume guy, who go around door to door and mess with people.
4:48:42 PM Livia: Lifelessly intoning "Come play with me, Danneeeeeeeeee"
4:49:01 PM Livia: LET'S GO TO THE HALLOWEEN GAME AS THE GIRL TWINS FROM THE SHINING
4:49:08 PM Nastinchka: OKAY
4:49:14 PM Livia: "Get a first down, DANNNNEEEEEE"
4:49:45 PM Nastinchka: STAY OFF TACKLE FOREVER
4:49:55 PM Livia: AND STEWART CAN RIDE AROUND THE TRACK ON A TRICYCLE

6:10:21 PM Swindle: It was a black and white Irish murder drama
6:10:24 PM Swindle: Done in dialect
6:10:33 PM Swindle: It was 30 minutes long
6:10:39 PM Swindle: And felt like three hours
6:10:45 PM Swindle: It has led to my new saying
6:10:57 PM Swindle: "Everything needs a dialect coach."
6:11:16 PM Swindle: It was the worst piece of film I've ever seen
6:11:19 PM Nastinchka: There are very few things it could not improve.
6:11:28 PM Swindle: Seriously
6:11:39 PM Swindle: If a character were to drink a glass of scotch
6:11:41 PM Swindle: It would sound like this
6:11:51 PM Swindle: "Fit to me, this dram is."
6:12:12 PM Swindle: "Espy as I drag my long fingers 'round it's glassy sinistry."
6:12:19 PM Nastinchka: Oh, gross.
6:12:53 PM Swindle: "Gaze on me arm, as it floats upward, impelled toward my maw by the beefy ligamentry of me arm."
6:12:59 PM Nastinchka: STOOOOP

3:35:44 PM Nastinchka: How was class?
3:36:20 PM PB: Fine. Went to a presentation after classes by the presidents of Dale Earnhardt Incorporated and Bass Pro Shops. Pretty cool
3:36:41 PM Nastinchka: My dad is envious all of a sudden and doesn't know why.

What's the only thing worse than a clown? (Besides two clowns.) 'Tis the season for Saw commercials:
9:59:43 PM Nastinchka: CLOWN PUPPET CLOWN PUPPET
9:59:51 PM Nastinchka: [burrows]

5:38:45 PM Swindle: I want to one day sit down with that movie and write down its emotional anatomy.
5:38:59 PM Nastinchka: And yet, it takes the scalpels to you.
5:38:59 PM Swindle: A la Derrida, but readable.
5:39:25 PM Nastinchka: [shoots self in face]
5:39:46 PM Swindle: [head splits in several well-deconstructed pieces.]
5:39:52 PM Nastinchka: oof

7:07:58 PM Nastinchka: Is it cold there yet? What should I bring to wear to Homecoming?
7:08:15 PM Nastinchka: I just don't feel like wasting suitcase space on sweaters unless it's entirely necessary because I will be DAMNED if I ever try to check another piece of luggage through LAX.
7:08:16 PM Livia: Last year, Sean and Jay and I decided that in the future when we attended Endless Shrimp, we would come in costume. I believe we agreed on a t-shirt with the infinity symbol on it and a beanie with a gigantic shrimp instead of a propeller.
7:08:18 PM Livia: So pack wisely.

9:26:03 PM Barstoolio: THERE IS A HURRICANE CALLED OMAR
9:26:07 PM Barstoolio: I HOPE IT COMES TO ME
9:26:21 PM Barstoolio: I HOPE IT WHISTLES
9:45:26 PM Nastinchka: It shall wear silk pajamas.

6:05:36 PM PB: I'm pretty sure he's calling for socialized government housing. Just sayin
6:05:52 PM Nastinchka: Because that's totally fine, as long as we don't nationalize health care.
6:05:57 PM Nastinchka: THAT would be frenchy.
6:11:36 PM Nastinchka: Oh, man, we're eleven minutes into this and I already screamed STOP at the teevee.
6:18:09 PM PB: I'm already tuned out.
6:18:11 PM PB: Done.
6:18:13 PM PB: Gone.
6:23:13 PM PB: GAHHHH
6:23:18 PM PB: MUST NOT WATCH THIS ON HD
6:23:27 PM Nastinchka: STEP AWAY FROM THE PORES
6:23:29 PM Nastinchka: SAVE YOURSELF
6:23:42 PM PB: found CNN non-HD
6:23:44 PM PB: terrifying
6:33:42 PM Nastinchka: He's proud of his little racist hordes
6:34:17 PM PB: He should wear a pitchfork pin!
6:38:53 PM Nastinchka: IS MCCAIN ASLEEP
6:38:55 PM Nastinchka: LOOK AT HIS EYES

4:21:05 PM Nastinchka: Miss State misses figgy. 10 or 11 more breaks like that, we'll have ourselves a game.
4:22:00 PM Nastinchka: And we're about to go three & out. Stephens completed a nice pass to Foster, who did not drop it, and then we ran it up the middle twice. WHERE IS RANDY SANDERS RIGHT NOW I WANT TO SEE HIS HANDS
4:31:42 PM Swindle: Wesley Carroll is very, very special
4:32:05 PM Swindle: It's great watching their offense. Have you seen The Fly?
4:32:38 PM Swindle: Kevin Goldblum slowly becomes a big, human sized flybeast.
4:33:20 PM Swindle: In a failed attempt to save himself, he gets caught in a teleporter, and the thing explodes as he's "transmitting
4:33:33 PM Swindle: So he's just this flybeast merged with a bunch of metal.
4:34:08 PM Swindle: Geena Davis shoots it with a shotgun. Would that we were so lucky.
4:34:16 PM Nastinchka: Our radio guys just said Hardesty shouldn't have been flagged for PI because they couldn't figure out whether he was running a route.
4:59:20 PM Swindle: Miss State looks like they're running a really hip 1984 offense.
4:59:41 PM Nastinchka: Wicker furniture and lots of brass
4:59:48 PM Swindle: Pastels. Mandals
5:00:14 PM Nastinchka: We're calling it the Outlet Mallbone.

5:19:45 PM Livia: I'm gonna go prepare myself for Das Debate
5:20:12 PM Livia: Mainly by shooting Godiva Cappucino Licquer with Mom, and complaining about Sarah Palin
5:20:20 PM Livia: She really has proven to be a unifier
5:20:31 PM Nastinchka: I'm sure I'll talk to you during the debate
5:20:36 PM Livia: Oh, I'm sure you will
5:21:02 PM Livia: I keep hoping Dr. Alan Grant (HE'S REAL) will come out with a trained, leashed velociraptor (also real) and they'll both eat her.

10:00:54 AM Swindle: Jesus, A.J Green
10:00:54 AM Nastinchka: God, that kid's feet
10:01:27 AM Nastinchka: Enjoy having your season depend on defending that shit! LOLZ
10:05:27 AM Swindle: There's only one way to defend UGA's wideouts
10:05:32 AM Swindle: Break them in fucking half.

12:38:30 PM Nastinchka: Also, FACEBOOK NOW HAS A RUBBER DUCKY FREE GIFT. [waits expectantly]
1:09:45 PM Nastinchka: DUCKY
1:09:55 PM Nastinchka: [claps]
1:09:57 PM Princess PrettyPants: who loves you
1:10:01 PM Nastinchka: YOU DO

9:04:26 AM Swindle: WILLY KORN
9:05:59 AM Nastinchka: SHIT, did I miss his headshot??
9:06:06 AM Nastinchka: Was he fluffy like a newborn chicken?
9:06:23 AM Swindle: Yes. Adorable, and sacked.
9:06:30 AM Nastinchka: meep!
9:06:35 AM Nastinchka: DO NOT MUSS WILLY KORN.
9:06:40 AM Nastinchka: (willy korn)

3:31:23 PM PB: You've done a nice job getting everyone we know onto Twitter.
3:31:36 PM Nastinchka: I'm the piper!
3:31:41 PM PB: You really are
3:31:41 PM Nastinchka: come, hamsters. (They were hamsters, right?)

9:33:02 AM Nastinchka: Dave Archer is nineteen times the size of Other Dave. Can't they find him a box?
9:33:54 AM Swindle: Or put them in perspective
9:34:00 AM Nastinchka: oooh, yeah
9:34:12 AM Swindle: Set one Dave back twenty feet back from the camera
9:34:45 AM Nastinchka: This would involve them broadcasting from the upper deck, which can only improve the audio.

7:03:52 PM Nastinchka: THE END IS NEAR
7:04:03 PM Livia: what hath you wrought
7:04:04 PM Nastinchka: D.B. Sweeney has endorsed John McCain.
7:04:12 PM Livia: D;DLKFGJD;FLKG\
7:04:16 PM Nastinchka: WHYYYYYYYYY
7:04:47 PM Livia: I'm DB Sweeney, and I endorse anything that gets me mentioned on the interweb.
7:05:04 PM Nastinchka: I'm D.B. Sweeney, and I approved this message, because IT'S NOT LIKE I'M BUSY
7:05:12 PM Livia: I hope Moira Kelly comes out and deliberately endorses Obama
7:05:21 PM Livia: UNPIN THE DAMN CAMPAIGN BUTTON

7:52:56 AM Swindle: Chase Daniel is so fucking fat for a football player.
7:53:05 AM Nastinchka: oh my god Chase Daniel's face
7:53:16 AM Swindle: His toes have never enjoyed the caress of his own hands.
7:53:25 AM Nastinchka: He's gonna age AWESOMELY
7:53:39 AM Swindle: He's gonna look like a politburo member

12:55:38 PM Nastinchka: If anyone needs me, I'll be combing my hair to cover the weeping sores I picked up on the KNS website.
12:56:05 PM Swindle: Don't forget the shampoo for the dumblice
12:56:18 PM Nastinchka: Oh, they're real. And they're gross.
12:56:57 PM Nastinchka: Can I pick the time to go home, or can I pick it? I just imagine descending into this cloud of orange smoke. In my head, Knoxville right now looks a lot like Super Mario Brothers world 1-4.
12:57:34 PM Swindle: do-DEY-do-duh-NUh-NUH

7:51:48 PM Livia: Also, did McCain get maced immediately before the debate? His blinking was distracting.
7:52:06 PM Livia: He was rill twitchy.
7:52:49 PM Nastinchka: I'm disturbed by the lack of pupil in his eyes
7:52:54 PM Nastinchka: He looks like Steamboat Willie.
7:53:42 PM Livia: Steamboat Willie coincidentally also supports forcing mothers to endanger their health in carrying a pregnancy to term.

11:30:33 AM Nastinchka: Alcohol never tells you you look fat in those pants.
11:30:51 AM Swindle: I'm a slave to the the 2-3 beer song.
11:31:25 AM Swindle: If you're sitting alone at a bar, or even just talking to someone, and a good song comes on and you've had a few drinks...it's as happy a pouch as a kangaroo can find.
11:31:50 AM Nastinchka: And just as full of indeterminate goo.
11:32:17 AM Swindle: It's the opposite, though: you leave that pocket blind.

1:05:03 AM Nastinchka: We had another earthquake the other day, but I didn't feel this one.
1:05:11 AM Nastinchka: Which was a little disappointing.
1:05:25 AM PB: Better than being rocked, I guess
1:05:42 AM Nastinchka: No, it's because I'm inappropriately proud of my conduct during the last earthquake
1:06:04 AM PB: That was a weird one
1:06:11 AM Nastinchka: My only memories of that afternoon: 1. I heard my picture frame hit the ground before I even registered that the ground was moving
1:06:40 AM Nastinchka: and 2. That I was in the middle of telling you the [ALCOHOLICS REDACTED] story, right? and we were both like EARTHQUAKE WHOA MAN for like a minute and then went right on talking about whatever we'd been talking about before for like 10 more mins before it occurred to me I should call my mother.
1:07:18 AM PB: I remember I saw a lamppost bend 4 feet and wondered if I was tripping.
1:07:32 AM Nastinchka: I also remember saying the word EARTHQUAKE a lot
1:07:46 AM Nastinchka: like in Jurassic Park in the first reveal when Sam Neill is all IT'S A DINOSAUR
1:08:15 AM Nastinchka: So I'm kinda disappointed I didn't get another chance to show off my poise in the midst of a natural disaster.
1:08:31 AM Nastinchka: (I'm sure I just brought about The Big One with my hubris, but I'm ready, dammit.)

I would do anything for love, but I won't prick madam.

I get a childish kick out of search strings that lead strangers here. Some poor soul gets it into their head to Google "Jeremy Shockey gun rights" and ends up here, and I feel like I've done my job.

Every day, though, I get at least five or six hits from someone searching for the definition of an obscure word, and arriving at one of these. (This, by the way, is why I profess an allergy to puns. Any skill for them was bled out of me by years and years of this game at a formative age.) The idea that there are living people in the walking world possibly believing what they're reading back there brings me more pleasure than anything I've written in eight years on this blog.

Like skeeball, but with black market organs. In Eastern Europe. For money.

soxes---> boxes

As has been explained a lot over the past year and a half, both here and at the erstwhile pink blog--I'm not a Baseball Person. I don't have the time investment or emotional ardor of sweet Melly. We all know, however, how I feel about Good Television, and the Boston Red Sox are very much that. I haven't earned the right to be downcast tonight (and really, who has, having seen them hurtle as far as baseball-ly possible into the fall one season and very nearly that far the next?). Instead, I just want to say thank you, Soxes. Your band of merry madmen has been a pure delight to watch these past eighteen months. See you in September.

its victory is at hand

Today's Specials:

House cheering interests in bold:

• Wake Forest @ Maryland
• Vanderbilt @ Georgia
• Ohio State@ Michigan State
• Miami @ Duke
• Kansas State @ Colorado
• Missy State @ Tennessee
• Missouri @ Texas
• LSU @ South Carolina

read things:

• In which we mercifully are spared from reading anything to do with Lisa Horne's vag. Now with WonderCuz (as in cousin, mind the pronunciation particularly today) powers! Not much from me that you didn't already know, but Cousin Jelly's segment is typically fantastic.
• "Jim Grobe will lose an eye, but his one-eyed visage will be the last thing you see." Picks!
• The Wall Street Journal is full of shit. Polynesian decor is making a comeback because everyone's retirement accounts are empty and we all want to escape to a fake island? How about, "BECAUSE IT'S AWESOME"? p/s L.A. Live is getting a Trader Vic's. Be still, my thatched heart.
• Teachin' yo ass to cook...in hardcover!
• PERFESHUNAL VIDEEYO NINJOCKING ACKSHUN! A Doc Saturday Actual Offense Deconstruction.
• Space, redolent of creole butter? The answer may surprise you!

no hordes created equal

Really need to stop sleeping in on Fridays, because I always miss the column going up at Yahoo(!), and in doing so miss pleading with y'all to get over there and assume a commanding lead in the comment thread.

Picksperiment: Episode 7

This week: Picking NFL games by internet horoscope. It can hardly go worse than last week's Scientology picks. Kindly click through and say things so that I may continue to use my weekly platform to ruin all your gambling interests.

facial, Devil Devil Devil Rays.

Heart, throat. Oh, Soxes.

Cali, less burny

The fires are on their way out at last, but if this week is any indication we're in for another sparky hell of a season. The LAFD Flickr stream has some terrifying, beautiful shots of the action.

wheeeeeeeeeeee

The best thing about living on the Hill is the drive home. Right up until you get to the very edge, the dropoff is so steep it looks like the world just ends right around 4th Street.

(In related news, I'm this many.)

If you don't watch this show we are not friends.

So let's bury THAT post and talk about Pushing Daisies, which you are clearly not watching or you'd be chiming in right now asking me if I saw Pushing Daisies tonight because Pushing Daisies is a marvel of television Pushing Daisies Pushing Daisies Pushing Daisies.

Tonight: Maybe the weakest episode of the season so far, especially given the convent setting and the plotline of nun murder, but that's like saying Degas' dumbest ballerina drawing--it's still art, baby. Ned's look when Chuck loses the wig, the use of church bells to censor profanity, the proxy high-five, and the music in the confessional are all gems.

Spake Ned, Chuck, Emerson, and Olive:

"You're making a scowly face."
"What got thee to a nunnery?"
"NUN ON THE RUN NUN ON THE RUN NUN ON THE RUN!!"
"Not until you face off with the papal fuzz."
"I cannot deny there were times when I would kill for candy corn."
"It's behind us." "No, it's behind you."
"Sister Christian is nothing but a heavy-petting power ballad."
"Not literally, but I'm sure it felt that way."

When your ninth comment attempt disappears, don't send my webmaster a nasty email.

Excerpted and reposted from last month, because it apparently bears repeating:

And a blanket warning until next January or so, for the new and wrongheaded: The five or six of you right-winglets who wandered over here from some football site or other and enjoy interjecting your point of view into these threads can stow it and stay that way. This is not a political blog; you don't get equal time here. There's a war on and you're all on the wrong side of it and I don't care why, but sell it someplace else.

Dear everyone:

Eight years ago I thought John McCain was kind of an OK guy. I remember arguing his merits, Gore's merits, to a seminar classmate who was a determined Naderite, which even at 18 I sensed was a path off a cliff.

Tonight, Johnny Mac, on live television, mocked the idea of an exception in abortion law allowing for the health of the mother. Now, personal convictions aside (while not inclined to go out and get my own uterus scraped, I'm also very much not on board with the criminalization of rape victims and the medically unsound), this shit is dangerous--John McCain just placed pandering to a base that hates him anyway above my beating heart and the pulse of every American woman of breeding age, and he did it with a throwaway joke and an eyeroll. His vapid, fascist cunt of a running mate thinks that if I get attacked on the streets of Los Angeles, which, fair fucking odds for that, if I get dragged into an alley and raped and survive, that I ought to carry that baby to term no matter what, and she wears that conviction like a merit badge. Senator John McCain wants your sisters, your daughters, and your friends to be fruitful and multiply, even if it means bearing the child of their rapist, and even if it kills them, and he's proud of it.

I'm the farthest thing from a single-issue voter, but I don't ever remember being this scared, palpably distressed for my personal well-being, so close to a national election. Congratulations, McCain-Palin. You got me in the brain stem. If I weren't already convinced that you're both the road to hell, that would've sent me scuh-reaming in the other direction. And I can't be the only one. Ballgame.

[For the record, this marks my 2000th entry, and I resent the hell out of having to waste it on this.]

ten days

12:02:40 PM Princess PrettyPants: hey
12:02:58 PM Princess PrettyPants: you arent by any chance flying into nashville on the 23rd are you?!!!!
12:03:02 PM Nastinchka: I am
12:03:03 PM Nastinchka: why?
12:03:05 PM Princess PrettyPants: SHUT UP
12:03:08 PM Nastinchka: NO
12:03:11 PM Princess PrettyPants: OCTOBER 23RD?
12:03:15 PM Nastinchka: THURSDAY??
12:03:19 PM Princess PrettyPants: ME TOO
12:03:20 PM Nastinchka: KAITLIN
12:03:22 PM Nastinchka: WHEN?
12:03:23 PM Princess PrettyPants: HOLLY
12:03:25 PM Nastinchka: WHEN LAND WHEN
12:03:43 PM Princess PrettyPants: 4:30!!!!!
12:03:50 PM Princess PrettyPants: WHEN YOU LAND WHEN
12:03:49 PM Nastinchka: Fuck, I don't land 'til 9
12:04:02 PM Princess PrettyPants: ok i will still be in nashville idiot
12:04:05 PM Nastinchka: FINE
12:04:12 PM Princess PrettyPants: AND SO WILL JP!
12:04:15 PM Nastinchka: EEEEEE
12:04:22 PM Princess PrettyPants: how are you getting to knoxville
12:04:25 PM Nastinchka: Josh
12:04:35 PM Princess PrettyPants: tell him to pick you up on friday
12:04:41 PM Nastinchka: Okay!
12:04:46 PM Princess PrettyPants: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
12:04:47 PM Nastinchka: Where will I sleep on Thursday?
12:04:54 PM Princess PrettyPants: i dont know. we will figure it out
12:04:56 PM Nastinchka: OKAY!
12:05:16 PM Princess PrettyPants: TOTALLY
12:05:19 PM Nastinchka: OKAY!
12:05:28 PM Princess PrettyPants: THIS IS SO DOABLE ITS INSANE
12:06:42 PM Nastinchka: THIS IS THE BEST OF ALL POSSIBLE WORLDS
12:07:04 PM Princess PrettyPants: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
12:07:37 PM Nastinchka: Lemme call the cospawn and see if he's willing to wait 'til Friday to go home, which, why not.
12:07:50 PM Princess PrettyPants: tell josh he has no other option
12:07:52 PM Nastinchka: kaaaay
12:07:55 PM Princess PrettyPants: I DEMAND IT
12:08:05 PM Nastinchka: THAT'S INCREASINGLY CLEAR
12:11:57 PM Nastinchka: All right, Bubby acquiesced, so now I'm your responsibility, the end.

Theoretically this is the last change in travel plans, but yeah--I've seen Kaitlin for about 90 minutes in the past two years, and Hemingway and I are about to have an awful lot to talk about, so pushing arrival at Actual Home by a day seems necessary. Back in the Ridge on Friday the 24th, flying back out of Nashville on Wednesday the 5th. In between, we have somehow got it in our heads that we can manage all of the following:

• A bloodbath! The main draw for the trip in the first place is going to be nothing but a dark hallway of pain, but them's our boys, so home we go.
• Endless Shrimp. I don't even like seafood. Endless Shrimp, however, is a spectator sport--show up, line purse with aluminum foil, watch Livia and Jay eat their weight in shrimp, return home to watch them eat the contents of purse. Don't laugh. This is literally the most fun we will have the entire time I'm home.
• Homecoming! Catholic school is the best, man. As an avowed Notre Dame hater, I have so few opportunities to dip into my vast array of Our God > Your God cheers.
• Bat Boy at the Barter. One of the great American musicals on one of our favorite stages.
• Colts @ Titans. We were going to drive up to Indy for New England's first trip to the new stadium...but honestly, without Brady, why bother? Resurgent local team will do. (You'll know us on TV by Livia's orange Manning jersey and my Stokley jersey. True love never goes out of style, baby.)
• Unnamed college football game, November 1. Cocktail Party tickets are a pipe dream, obvs., but watching Tennessee-Spurrier at the beach is an attractively emerging option.
• Not this. Life is cruel.
• Notorious on the big screen with the crew. There's no way to oversell this one. (Also bringing home Season 8 so we'll have something on hand with which to dig ourselves out of the emotional hell-well.)
• Corn Maze. I want to go to this one. I have been violently overruled.
• Dollywood. You are DAMN RIGHT we're going to Dollywood. It's like our mothership, man.

Blessed are the editors.

Ours is a noble profession. For a pointed demonstration of this, you'll want to wait until about the three-minute mark and sit back.

The whole episode is, of course, well, well worth your time. There's also the matter of the evening's guest, a smashingly malevolent Republican for whom I've carried a torch since the tender age of 19. It's been a while since I've laid eyes on him, but...let's just say the magic's still there. (Oh, whatevs; like YOU wouldn't hit that. Anybody with that much pure evil in his veins has to know some wicked tricks in the sheets.)

Is there a one-eyed Catholic spider god running this campaign?

The answer may surprise you!

William Timmons, the Washington lobbyist who John McCain has named to head his presidential transition team, aided an influence effort on behalf of Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein to ease international sanctions against his regime.

[...]
Timmons' activities occurred in the years following the first Gulf War, when Washington considered Iraq to be a rogue enemy state and a sponsor of terrorism. His dealings on behalf of the deceased Iraqi leader stand in stark contrast to the views his current employer held at the time.

John McCain strongly supported the 1991 military action against Iraq, and as recently as Sunday described Saddam Hussein as a one-time menace to the region who had "stated categorically that he would acquire weapons of mass destruction, and he would use them wherever he could."

slow day

That's right, I said it: The Maxims are stupid. What started as an afternoon time-killer is rapidly spinning itself into pure gold, so come on, sinners, let's go down.

Laff Riot 97: Cane sugar, bitches!

6:42:44 PM Swindle: Well, we all communicate for different reasons.
6:43:02 PM Swindle: Some people like to exchange information about ideas, their current status, and discover more about each other.
6:43:11 PM Swindle: Some people enjoy humor.
6:43:45 PM Swindle: And other talk in order to buffet tottling little personal castles of insecurity.
6:44:17 PM Nastinchka: blesshisheart
6:44:35 PM Swindle: (Mean!)
6:44:53 PM Nastinchka: (it's hardwired, lawya)
6:45:22 PM Swindle: Like the assassin, you didn't even realize you'd disarmed them and turned their own weapon against them.
6:46:23 PM Swindle: The maid's on the other end of the gun, screaming out "IT'S JUST A HAIRDRYER! IT'S JUST A HAIRDRYER!"

10:45:52 PM Nastinchka: That was pretty fun to watch
10:46:00 PM Nastinchka: In the name of falling undefeateds, natch
10:46:22 PM Swindle: i walked in, and I'm no predictor of asswhippings, but...
10:46:29 PM Swindle: It just felt like murder was in the air.
10:47:25 PM Nastinchka: You know what this is, right?
10:47:28 PM Nastinchka: You KNOW.
10:47:34 PM Swindle: WILLY KORN
10:47:34 PM Nastinchka: It's Willy Korn.
10:47:51 PM Nastinchka: The candy(korn) man, man
10:48:11 PM Swindle: He shows up, but he guts your enemies, not you

2:10:38 PM Nastinchka: one of my Yahoo commenters called me a soulless monster today for saying changing the name of the Red River Shootout was a stupid idea.
2:11:46 PM Livia: Well, he's right in that you are a soulless monster, but wrong about the reason.

I maintain that this, not the scoreboard, was the tipping point:
7:39:40 PM Nastinchka: Let me set the scene for what you just missed. Clemson-WF
7:39:50 PM Nastinchka: Worst game ever
7:39:51 PM Nastinchka: 3-0, end of the third
7:39:55 PM Nastinchka: still with -5 rushing yards for Clemson
7:40:02 PM Nastinchka: Clemson calls TO
7:40:08 PM Nastinchka: they cut first to the receivers coach yelling and hollering at his players
7:40:16 PM Nastinchka: ....and then to Tommy Bowden, petting Cullen Harper on the head.

12:22:27 PM Nastinchka: It just gets worse tomorrow
12:22:29 PM Nastinchka: I'm warning you now.
12:22:53 PM Barstoolio: if there's a sex scene I will never forgive you.
12:22:55 PM Nastinchka: NO
12:23:13 PM Nastinchka: But there's a hint of a dungeon.
12:23:38 PM Barstoolio: I like just a touch of dungeon.
12:24:00 PM Barstoolio: A smidgeon, if you will.
12:24:06 PM Nastinchka: A soupcon?
12:24:08 PM Barstoolio: Full disclosure is just gauche.

5:19:51 PM Nastinchka: NEED THIS SONG NOW
5:19:56 PM PB: I'll get it. Eventually
5:20:40 PM Nastinchka: ^please face
5:21:26 PM PB: Don't worry. I'll get it. Might take a lil time
5:21:32 PM Nastinchka: (in your copious free time)
5:21:41 PM PB: Much of which is spent hunting for beats!
5:21:53 PM PB: HUNT-HUNT-HUNT-CRAVE!
5:21:57 PM Nastinchka: HUNT AND GATHER

8:58:04 AM Nastinchka: Why don't baby costumes have feet? It's so SINISTER looking.
8:58:07 AM Nastinchka: Behold my pupa!
8:58:17 AM Nastinchka: Is that what we're trying to say here?
8:58:33 AM Swindle: Yes.
8:58:41 AM Swindle: They don't grow legs until later.
8:58:43 AM Nastinchka: Well...um...then it worked.

12:24:54 PM Barstoolio: My uncle fell while skiing, and was laying on the slope unable to move limbs, and a guy skiied up and said, "Are you okay?" and my uncle said, "I will be. A Gator could never die in this way in front of a Georgia fan." Like, he was laying there paralyzed and noticed the guy's stupid hat.

7:33:07 AM Nastinchka: halp
7:33:14 AM Swindle: yah
7:33:18 AM Nastinchka: I'm in a breakfast meeting.
7:33:24 AM Nastinchka: It looks like I'm taking notes but I'm not.
7:33:46 AM Nastinchka: Because the suit at the other end of the table just told me I need to rent, among other things, StepBrothers to get an idea of what's selling in Hollywood right now.
7:33:55 AM Swindle: !
7:33:56 AM Nastinchka: Could you hit me over the head with something heavy?
7:34:01 AM Nastinchka: through the internet?
7:34:02 AM Swindle: I'm calling in an airstrike
7:34:10 AM Nastinchka: yesplz. We don't deserve to live.
7:34:17 AM Swindle: I learned to do this in mercenaries
7:34:31 AM Nastinchka: suckatriedtoplayme'd
7:34:34 AM Swindle: Hold on. I have to download an app from the iPhone store
7:34:42 AM Nastinchka: But that shouldn't take long at all!
7:34:44 AM Swindle: "Airstrike Central 2.3"

6:01:39 PM Nastinchka: Also: Belmont?
6:02:06 PM PB: weird
6:04:14 PM PB: Yup, Belmont.
6:04:21 PM Nastinchka: What the hell kinda choice is that
6:06:36 PM Nastinchka: Did he just have a seizure?
6:06:46 PM PB: I think he passed a stone.
6:07:52 PM PB: He looks better in his coffin.
6:08:02 PM Nastinchka: PETER.
6:08:18 PM PB: I just mean "not walking around"

12:32:42 PM Spawn: i hate it when really accomplished people that I want to admire use $.25 words incorrectly, and when a $.01 word would do.
12:32:46 PM Spawn: JUST saying.
12:32:49 PM Nastinchka: Word.
12:32:51 PM Nastinchka: (sorry)
12:33:09 PM Spawn: (the president of the fourth year class just edited a letter I wrote to invite a speaker for graduation. and her edits are making me vomit)
12:33:49 PM Nastinchka: pare down. not up.
12:34:37 PM Spawn: Yes.
12:34:59 PM Spawn: I gave her a letter that was pretty coherent, with maybe a few unnecessary bells and whistles
12:35:08 PM Spawn: She should have returned to me something sleek and smooth.
12:35:14 PM Nastinchka: like a plush seal.
12:35:21 PM Nastinchka: (arp)
12:35:31 PM Nastinchka: [seal clap]
12:35:34 PM Spawn: It is, instead, covered in lace, ribbon, hawaiian leis, and little plastic seal figurines.
12:35:37 PM Spawn: Not what I had in mind.
12:35:39 PM Nastinchka: No, indeed.
12:36:24 PM Spawn: I think the "arp" is my favorite part of this conversation
12:36:29 PM Spawn: I'm just playing it over and over again in my head.
12:36:32 PM Nastinchka: arp!
12:36:33 PM Spawn: I have a job interview in 24 minutes.
12:36:35 PM Spawn: I may arp.
12:36:44 PM Spawn: That'll make them hire me!
12:36:50 PM Nastinchka: ARP
12:37:06 PM Spawn: AWWWW WANT
12:37:15 PM Nastinchka: [nods] arp
12:37:24 PM Spawn: arp! arp arp!

6:49:29 PM Nastinchka: MAKE HIM STOP CALLING ME HIS FRIEND
6:49:54 PM PB: Was about to say that too
6:54:31 PM Nastinchka: How long is this supposed to go on again?
6:57:33 PM PB: Make McCain stop.
6:57:48 PM Nastinchka: [velociraptor noise]
6:58:10 PM PB: (My coffin suggestion doesn't sound so bad, does it.)
6:58:16 PM Nastinchka: (not really, no)
6:58:26 PM PB: (it's for the best)
6:58:56 PM Nastinchka: He's my corrupt candidate, Pa. I'll do it.
7:02:39 PM PB: Game, Set, Match. To your coffin, Spiney.
7:02:44 PM Nastinchka: SPINEY

6:58:07 AM Nastinchka: Haaaaay
6:58:14 AM Swindle: HAAAAAAYYYYY
6:58:40 AM Swindle: Who's rockin' Maroon 5 and can't feel his hands from the gym? THIS FAG.
6:59:52 AM Nastinchka: [penny drops] MAROON 5?
7:00:00 AM Nastinchka: It's like I don't even know you
7:00:13 AM Swindle: BTW, my Adam Levine imitation is unreal.
7:00:20 AM Swindle: It's muppetesque
7:01:12 AM Swindle: I have to have something to bond with the Ann Taylor girls!
7:01:25 AM Swindle: They're everywhere here.
7:01:53 AM Nastinchka: Try a head tilt and asking them thoughtfully about the difference between Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft.
7:02:07 AM Swindle: It's like a completely different world! Please.

9:14:55 PM PB: Selfish
9:15:15 PM Nastinchka: Yes. Because you are by yourSELF, and....yeah, I'm reaching.
9:15:57 PM PB: That was brave of you to hit ENTER there
9:16:11 PM Nastinchka: I'm so ashamed.

12:24:52 PM Nastinchka: I thought "tentacle porn" was just a figure of speech until very recently.
12:24:53 PM Nastinchka: it's not.
12:25:19 PM Swindle: No, ma'am.
12:25:28 PM Swindle: If it wriggles, it appears in J-porn.
12:25:47 PM Swindle: Don't drop a nuke on people and expect them to be normal afterwards.

11:47:30 AM Swindle: I'm just fatigued with the whole "shoot zombies in trashed utopian" scenario in video games.
11:48:44 AM Nastinchka: I hate that this whole phenomenon is going to run its course before I learn enough composite animation to make my master film, "ZomBees".
11:48:57 AM Swindle: no, you can catch it on the retro side.
11:49:07 AM Nastinchka: It's pretty fucking tricky to decapitate a bee.
11:50:15 AM Swindle: that's why you use a flamethrower.
11:50:18 AM Swindle: (duh)
11:50:34 AM Nastinchka: Smashing them doesn't sever the head from the body.
11:50:44 AM Nastinchka: perhaps lasers are in order.
11:50:54 AM Swindle: Fire. Don't take this away from me.
11:50:56 AM Nastinchka: (I have given this inordinate amounts of thought.)
11:51:10 AM Nastinchka: I'm just wondering whether it's hot enough to crumble an exoskeleton.
11:51:15 AM Nastinchka: Just thinking out loud here.

I took the trouble to email this to myself and I still don't know why:
Nastinchka: AAAAAHHHHHH
8:42:02 PM Nastinchka: THINGS THAT CRAWL

11:56:18 AM Swindle: Good for the sailor, and well, other sailors.
11:56:19 AM Nastinchka: It sounds like WWII resistance code.
11:56:23 AM Nastinchka: The ram has curly horns.
11:56:34 AM Swindle: Good for the lonely sailor.
11:56:35 AM Nastinchka: the frost is on the pumpkin. Stonehenge. stonehenge.
11:56:43 AM Swindle: Good evening Jean-Francois.
11:56:46 AM Swindle: How fares Lille?
11:57:00 AM Nastinchka: The tulips are red.
11:57:15 AM Nastinchka: But the north wind is coming.
11:57:20 AM Nastinchka: [bang]
11:57:27 AM Swindle: WHYYYYYYYY
11:57:30 AM Swindle: (dies)
11:57:38 AM Nastinchka: Sorry, i just watched The Good German.
11:58:00 AM Swindle: I would have at least six scenes in my movie of someone grabbing their gut and saying "WHHYYYYYYY"
11:58:16 AM Swindle: Even if I was making a musical about 1960s education reform.
11:58:42 AM Nastinchka: Hey, forced integration can be maudlin.

12:54:07 PM Barstoolio: I did offer it to him once!
12:54:12 PM Nastinchka: ...
12:54:21 PM Nastinchka: offer WHAT?
12:54:25 PM Barstoolio: (the corn dog debacle)
12:54:36 PM Nastinchka: We need to be very, very specific with our object pronouns where he's concerned
12:54:39 PM Nastinchka: Ohhhhh, right.
12:54:41 PM Nastinchka: The Incident.
12:54:51 PM Barstoolio: While listening to Kid Rock.
12:54:53 PM Barstoolio: SHUDDER.
12:55:04 PM Barstoolio: [air kisses]
12:55:04 PM Nastinchka: That's my girl.

1:31:30 PM Swindle: I'm sorry, everything in my life just got more dramatic.
1:31:36 PM Swindle: I'M IN THE SITUATION ROOM
1:31:46 PM Nastinchka: My fervent hope
1:31:49 PM Nastinchka: every election
1:32:01 PM Nastinchka: is for that little hobbit to fall backwards into the nine screens and be electrocuted live.
1:32:29 PM Swindle: I'm Jack Cafferty, and I drink pure sorrow.
1:36:14 PM Nastinchka: He has bassett hound eyes.
1:36:46 PM Swindle: He always looks like he's about to tell me that my license will be ready when my number is called.
1:37:00 PM Swindle: John King is already fucking with the touch screen map
1:37:20 PM Nastinchka: I was ENTRANCED by that thing this morning. If I worked at CNN I'd sleep in front of it.

2:16:57 PM Nastinchka: RIC FLAIR CHARTER SEA CAPTAIN
2:16:59 PM Nastinchka: sitcom!
2:17:16 PM Swindle: Off the top rope and ONTO THE SHARK!!!

12:26:12 PM Barstoolio: This reminds me, I was at the dentist yesterday and when describing how I think the hygenist just chipped a tooth with the agressive style of his cleaning, he says, slowly and accidentally meaningfully, "Guide me with your tongue."
12:26:23 PM Barstoolio: We both paused, thought about laughing, and quickly moved on.
12:26:40 PM Nastinchka: My dentist is this chain smoking, gold-chain draped NASCAR grandfather type who hits on me
12:26:47 PM Nastinchka: but it's OK, because he's known my mom since college.
12:26:53 PM Nastinchka: (i really did just type that, didn't i.)
12:27:00 PM Barstoolio: HELLO!
12:27:11 PM Nastinchka: He reminds me a lot of Schnelly, actually
12:27:19 PM Barstoolio: A smoking dentist is the sort of awesome human who can be excused from most things.
12:27:48 PM Barstoolio: Grope my butt? Fine. You're a chain-wearing smoking dentist. You make the world a better place.

11:36:37 AM Swindle: I like the idea of the 1987 Miami coaching staff being a salon of deep intellectual discussion
11:37:03 AM Nastinchka: And Gloria Estefan as the first lady of Miami's answer to Comedie Francaise.
11:38:23 AM Swindle: ohyashakeamonkeybankatothatahyoushakamonkeykickatohatcongabeeeee

1:38:30 PM Nastinchka: He's such a neurotic that he believes whatever I tell him as long as it involves germs or a commmon household product that could kill him. So that's where I get most of my entertainment.
1:38:41 PM Nastinchka: That and math.
1:38:44 PM Nastinchka: He's bad at math.

7:26:00 AM Swindle: It's the equivalent of one of those nights where an immortal viking possesses your liver and you simply cannot be outdrunk
7:26:30 AM Swindle: O'Toole's in the gutter. Britney's passed out in bushes. Henry Kissinger is dead.
7:26:37 AM Swindle: But you're still drinking.
7:26:55 AM Swindle: And Pete Doherty just bought five shots with a look of fear in his eyes.
7:27:08 AM Nastinchka: ...or, it's like that.

9:38:33 PM Nastinchka: oh, god, it's dan hedaya
9:38:42 PM PB: oh my
9:41:02 PM Nastinchka: I am calling the next person who pisses me off a bait bucket.
9:41:32 PM PB: i like it
9:42:32 PM PB: Will you promise to stab me with an icicle if I ever grow a mustache?
9:43:27 PM Nastinchka: unequivocally.

8:47:47 PM Nastinchka: OK, you're invisibled.
8:47:53 PM Nastinchka: Now you can IM me all the time.
8:47:54 PM 'Box: yayayayayy! stealth
8:47:55 PM Nastinchka: ALL THE TIME.
8:48:04 PM 'Box: LET YOU LOVE ME?
8:48:11 PM Nastinchka: LET ME CALL YOU SWEETHEART
8:48:21 PM Nastinchka: LET ME EAT YOUR TEARS
8:48:24 PM 'Box: I WILL PUT GARLANDS IN YOUR HAIR
8:48:24 PM Nastinchka: YOU'RE SAFE
8:48:28 PM 'Box: yours is weirder
8:48:28 PM Nastinchka: NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU
8:48:43 PM Nastinchka: OH, LOOK, A CLOWN'S BEHIND YOU
8:48:47 PM Nastinchka: (Love doesn't have to rhyme.)
8:48:50 PM 'Box: certainly not all the one night stands I've stupidly befriended over AIM
8:48:58 PM 'Box: what?
8:49:00 PM 'Box: AHAHGHGGHG
8:49:03 PM Nastinchka: If you weren't such a TRAMP
8:49:10 PM 'Box: Trampin' ain't easy
8:49:11 PM Nastinchka: your sodomite ways killed the Laff Riots.
8:49:11 PM 'Box: wait.
8:49:29 PM Nastinchka: I think I may disapprove more than the church
8:49:33 PM Nastinchka: just based on that.
8:49:25 PM 'Box: so long as my sodomy doesn't kill me
8:49:46 PM Nastinchka: Ah yes, the "just the tip" of comedy writing.
8:49:49 PM Nastinchka: That's what we're after.
8:50:09 PM 'Box: for the purely laff-based initiatives that my sodomy has put asudner
8:50:11 PM 'Box: asunder
8:51:57 PM 'Box: I can, apparently, promise you unusual word choices

7:40:28 AM Nastinchka: Also, no one appreciates Hays code humor.
7:40:37 AM Swindle: Natch
7:40:37 AM Nastinchka: My other discovery this morning.
7:49:05 AM Swindle: It's okay. I just had to drop a "hans morgenthau and adam smith got my back"
7:49:23 AM Nastinchka: EDSBS: Putting the "guns" in "guns and butter" since 2005.
7:49:54 AM Swindle: Don't make me flex my realist muscles.
7:50:16 AM Nastinchka: WTF is an SDF fan?
7:50:26 AM Swindle: Kissinger in the booth, spinning "Holiday in Cambodia" and pouring Cris out for me.
7:50:56 AM Nastinchka: Putting the Diplo in diplomacy?
7:51:01 AM Nastinchka: [reeeeeach]
7:51:19 AM Swindle: No, you just bombed Laos while aiming for Vietnam. Well done.
7:51:27 AM Nastinchka: What could be more American?

steinbeck was a sissy.

October 12, 2006: My first day in California, driving south from Seattle, and I was barely out of the redwoods when I saw a roadside woodcarving shop with a yard full of totem poles. I drove another five minutes or so, then whipped a u-turn for absolutely no reason and sped back, walked in the door and straight over to the shelf and picked up this little ironwood turtle.

(All right, it's late and I went up on the roof after all, so indulge me for a quick toast--here's to this city that's taken my best and given back anything I ever asked of it, and to two years of ghost lights, 60fps, heartbreak, hustling, ocean water, cowboy boots, and this little guy with his shell worn smooth from my restless thumb.)

three minutes in heaven

It's my two-year anniversary as a Los Angelena, and I had this whole thing planned out to write, but instead of sitting on my roof gazing up at the skyscrapers and pounding out nineteen-clause sentences I'm inside watching L.A. County burn on the TV, and then a commenter sent us this and now I don't want to do anything but watch it over and over again, forever:

Thank you, Fake Nickelback, for saving us all from an attack of rank sentimentality.

(Tiger) Ragtime

Singin's just in the air..., or How We Spent The Two Hours Following The News Of Tommy Bowden's Demise.

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 7--Oh save the speech, rummy.

I am proud to present the First Annual Movie Musicals Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 7 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of ill-advised step-ball-changes performed by Renee Zellweger. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include stunningly choreographed alley ballets betwixt grime-smeared delinquents, Maria Maria Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiia, rouged knees and rolled-down stockings, any number of people who reached for the gun the gun the gun oh yes the gun, plain yet kind postulants at a secluded Austrian convent, bratty children who should have been beaten before they were taught to sing the scales, and Coach Truly Scrumptious.

Then neither shall I tell you by what authority I do thethe thingth.

1) Texas
THE BARONESS SAYS:
COLT MCCOY: [giggling playfully] My coach is a silly watchdog!
MACK BROWN: [crooning gently] Ah, my quarterback is a precious jewel!
SAM BRADFORD: [embittered] What am I, cut glass?

Here come the Horns, like a bat out of hell - Someone gets in their way, someone don't feel so well. I knew Texas was good, but I freely admit that I thought the Sooners were better. Part of me still feels that Oklahoma is the stronger team, but you can't argue with results, and McCoy delivered when it mattered the most. He played very, very well, but I have to credit the defense for this win, because it takes a superhuman effort to stop Sam Bradford, and they managed to do it in the fourth quarter. I would love to see these teams meet again in a bowl matchup, because both these teams understand that if you give 'em a show that's so splendiferous, row after row will grow vociferous. It won't happen, but imagine the fireworks!

2) Alabama
THE BARONESS SAYS:
NICK SABAN: [writhing in jewel-encrusted flapper dress, gazing at his reflection in dozens of mirrors] Oooh, I'm a star, and the pollsters LOVE me... and I love them. And they love me for loving them and I love them for loving me. And we love each other. And that's because none of us got enough love in our childhood. And that's football... kid.

On behalf of everyone else in the SEC, let me be the first to say fuck you, Oklahoma--thanks a lot for enabling the most psychotic and dangerous fans in our conference to come that close to a #1 ranking. [HOOK 'EM WOOOOEEEEEEEE --H.] I actually believe that Texas is stronger than Alabama, and that they would win in a matchup. Sure, Texas has only beaten one ranked opponent, but it was THE NUMBER ONE TEAM IN THE COUNTRY! Additionally, Texas hasn't almost choked against duff games like Arkansas, Rice, or UTEP, whereas Alabama almost blew it against Tulane and Kentucky. The schedule will have their teeth for a necklace, and their eyes for earrings. They'll have to play a suddenly ferocious Houston Nutt, a desperate and bloodthirsty Tennessee team led by Shuke (half-shark, half-human) Eric Berry, a humiliated, infuriated, and embittered LSU squad IN DEATH VALLEY AT NIGHT, a Miss State squad that beat highly-ranked Vanderbilt, and a godless Auburn team with nothing to lose. At least one of those games is a gut-wrenching upset. Bank.

3) Penn State
THE BARONESS SAYS:
The Nittany Lions don't play. They march. Next weekend they're (probably) going to march right into Rich Rodriguez and wreak the kind of destruction not normally seen outside Michael Bay films.

BRETT BIELEMA: [as his quarterback limps off the field following a costly turnover] Allan, what happened to your finger?
ALLAN EVRIDGE: (wincing, holding back tears) It got caught.
BRETT BIELEMA: Caught in what?
ALLAN EVRIDGE: Josh Hull's teeth.

4) Texas Tech
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Play it cool boy, real cool. You've avoided the obligatory mid-season upset bid by a vastly inferior opponent--in overtime no less!--and escaped unscathed. Spend today falling on your faces in front of cornerback Jamar Wall and praising him with great praise for his timely pick of embattled Husker Joe Ganz. Spend the rest of the week preparing for the next five weeks, during which you will face five hated rivals, FOUR of whom are ranked. Get your groove back against the Aggies and pray it will be enough to carry you past Kansas (I think it will); then pray THAT can get you past Texas, OK State, and the Sooners themselves.

5) Oklahoma
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Boy, am I a victim of disappointment in you.

SAM BRADFORD: [Glaring hatefully at posed photo of Colt McCoy] First he steals my Heisman publicity. And now he steals my goddamn Red River Shootout!

Kansas, I'm really sorry for what's going to happen to you next Saturday. I wouldn't be surprised if Bradford actually did come out in Joker makeup, just to set the tone.

6) BYU
THE BARONESS SAYS:
Legitimate Top 10 Teams: What are we doin', poopin' around with these dumb broads for?
BYU: I and Utah ain't dumb! Are we, Utah?
UTAH: No thank you.
[snap]
UTAH: oo
[snap]
UTAH: Ooo-belee-oo.
BYU: And you can punctuate it...
UTAH: Ooo.

Congratulations; you defeated New Mexico, extending your win streak to sixteen over hapless opponents that your theatre department could beat with one lace-cuffed wrist tied behind their Oliver Twist-playing backs. I mean, Go Northern Iowa Cornfield Panthers, Home Of The 2008 Barack Obama Is A Godless Muslim Corn Maze And Pumpkin Patch!

7) Utah
THE BARONESS SAYS:
In 2007, the streets of Salt Lake echoed with the voices of Uties. On every corner you saw them carrying the banner. Bringing you the news of another Utah defeat for a penny a pape. Poor orphans and runaways, the Uties were a ragged army without a leader, until one day all that changed. Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Asiata!!!

8) Missouri
THE BARONESS SAYS:
CHASE DANIEL: I ain't never gonna get married. Too noisy.
PATRICK LAVINE: You ain't never gonna get married. Too ugly. [picks him off with less than two minutes remaining] Pow!
CHASE DANIEL: Cracko Jacko! Down goes a teenage hoodlum.

He ain't no sheik, that's no great physique, and lord knows he ain't got the smarts. On Saturday, he didn't have the arm either, throwing three second-half picks leading to an inexplicable Mizzou defeat and a probable all-day binge-eating session full of kettle corn and pigs in a blanket on Sunday. That being said, I still think they're a strong team.

9) Florida
THE BARONESS SAYS:
My client Les Miles feels that it was a combination of liquor and jazz that led to the downfall. I feel that it was a combination of poor timing and stupid decisions. Poor timing: you never want to play Florida at The Swamp at night after they've had a humiliating home defeat, EVER. Stupid decisions: you never want to come out and say that you're looking to take a player out of the game, especially if he's the glue that holds that team together and everybody loves him, especially if he's just wept openly before the press and promised the fans that he will do better for them. STUPID. SO STUPID. As soon as that happened, I knew Florida was going to win, and told everyone so. I mean, if you want to take the guy out, DO IT, but don't tell people you're gonna do it! ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE A DEBILITATING GROIN INJURY AND WON'T EVEN PLAY, YOU STUPID FOOL.

10) Vanderbilt
THE BARONESS SAYS:
BOBBY JOHNSON: This is for kids shinin' shoes in the streets with no shoes on their feet everyday. This is for guys sweatin' blood in the shop while the bosses and cops look away. This is to even the score. This ain't just Vandies no more. This ain't just kids with some pies in the sky, this is do it or die, this is WAR! Once and for all, we'll be there to defend one another. Once and for all, every kid is a friend, every friend a brother. Five thousand fists in the sky, five thousands reasons to try. We're going over the wall. Better to die than to crawl. Either we stand or we fall, for once, once and for all!

Vandy converted on one of nine third-down opportunities, and the Bulldogs held them to just over a hundred yards of total offense. When you got a million voices singing, who can hear a lousy whistle blow? And yes, I'm aware they lost, but I still feel they're better than Georgia, so deal with it. [Dear legions of Georgia fans poised for hatemail: We already have a history of pulling this kind of thing, we're not sorry, and if you think you can change Livia's mind on this, let the rest of us know so we can start the popcorn. --H.]

Misc.

SOUTH CAROLINA-KENTUCKY
STEVE SPURRIER: You know how some people have these little habits that get you down? Like Smelley. Smelley liked to throw picks. No, not picks. GAME-BREAKERS. So I come home from practice one night and I'm real irritated, and I'm looking for a little sympathy. And there's Smelley, lying on the couch, drinking a beer and playing NCAA 08 and thowing picks. No, not picks. GAME-BREAKERS. So I said "If you turn that ball over one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots... into his head. And ever since then, Garcia has been performing. Do not question me, or my methods. Ever.

COLORADO-KANSAS
All of you! You all killed Ralphie! Not with bullets, or guns, with hate, and doubt. Well now I can kill, too, because now I have hate!

USC-ASU

RUDY CARPENTER: So long, farewell, au revoir, auf Wiedersehen! I'd like to stay and taste my first champagne. Yes?
PETE CARROLL: No!

TENNESSEE-GEORGIA
When you're a Vol, you're a Vol all the way! From your first quarterback to your last dyin' day!

NICK STEPHENS: [lying on the turf after a last-minute failed fourth down conversion] I--I didn't believe hard enough.
ERIC BERRY: [bending over him] Loving is enough.
NICK STEPHENS: Not here. Not this season. They won't let us be.
ERIC BERRY: [stroking his hair] Then we'll run away. Back to Neyland. Back to the top of the polls!
NICK STEPHENS: Yeah, we can.
ERIC BERRY: Yes.
NICK STEPHENS: [eyes slipping closed] We will...
ERIC BERRY: [singing] Hold my hand and we're halfway there, hold my hand and I'll take you there. Somehow! Someday! Some...

MONTARIO HARDESTY: Cellophane. Mr. Cellophane shoulda been my name, Mr. Cellophane, 'cause you can look right through me, walk right by me and never know I'm there.

WHY AREN'T WE PLAYING MONTARIO HARDESTY? WHY? WHY? WHYYYYY? ARIAN FOSTER IS NOT PRODUCING! HE RAN THREE TIMES FOR THREE YARDS! PUT HARDESTY'S ASS IN WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY WHYWHYWHY! I can accept a lot of things about this season, but the stubborn refusal to try anyone but Foster at the position is BREAKING ME.

*Ed. note: I've never been happier that we don't do Blogpoll, because let me state for the record that I am LOST after this weekend. The two of us have never, ever diverged by any remotely significant margin before today, and I can't imagine what state the rest of y'all's lists are in. If we had to, my ten would probably look something like:

Texas
Alabama
Penn State
Oklahoma State
Florida
Oklahoma
Texas Tech
Georgia
Utah
BYU

But there's still a ton of questions. Namely, is it too soon to start bumping up one-loss teams (don't even start about Florida; they are BACK; run for your lives), is USC really that close to complete disaster, and when the hell will someone do something that will allow me to drop Penn State? --H.

Personal Gridiron Satisfaction Index: 2008.10.12

10. Illinois, better and better! What's wrong with this picture?

9. Three of the top five teams self-destructing. Step right back on that carousel, boys and girls--it's another season through the looking glass. Parity's a hell of a drug.

8. Willy Korn. (willy korn willy korn willy korn)

7. Gar.ci.a. Gar.ci.a. GAR.CI.A. OBC, convinced.

6. "Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

No, no danger of tiring of animated glitter-.gifs any time soon. Why?

Michigan falls to Toledo (TOLEDO) at home, and America is rescued from the specter of a ranked Notre Dame team.

5. Beloved heads above water. West Virginia sans Pat White and Texas Tech without a lick of sense, both escaping with their lives.

4. A brewhouse becomes a brewhome. I live in the shadow of Bunker Hill, which limits my sports bar options to Casey's and staying home. I've been slagging Casey's horrific service since I moved to the neighborhood, but once Cedd Moses took it over, the place started to show unmistakable signs of life. The Sunday staff, a bunch of real down-home girls, is as crackerjack as can be. Cursed by an unfriendly CBS lineup, I dragged my ass out of bed this morning for the 10:00 kickoff in Indy, and my favorite bartender saw me trudging down the stairs and had coffee with a double shot of Bailey's in front of me almost before I was snuggled down in front of the big screen.

3. Nicky-Steve. Love ya, kid.

2. Texas 45, Oklahoma 35. The absinthe-infused cherry on the best weekend of college football all year. The highlight of my Saturday was answering each and every hatemail message I received after picking Texas to upset. Regardless of your gameday affiliations, raise a glass to the Longhorns for blocking the ascendancy of Alabama and for the gift of a game for the pantheon.

1. ColtyColtColts 31, Ray Lewis and his Shiv Orchestra 3. Quoth MJD:

It's been a week full of proclamations that Peyton Manning is no longer the best quarterback in his family, and that Marvin Harrison's career is swirling the drain. The 2008 season had, to this point, had been an indication that for the Colts, the window of greatness has closed.

The last 30 minutes of football played in Indy suggest that that window is wide open, and that Ray Lewis is being pushed out of it.

Attn AFC: The offense is synced. The run defense, repaired. Prepare accordingly. Indy's standin' in the booth and the skills are still here.

Everybody's beatable.

I feel...very fine. (No, stay with me here. It's not in my nature to get out from under the little black raincloud I operate in, but I'm trying to work through this.)

It took me the hour and a half drive home from Anaheim with Evil Nine turned up to eleven to figure out why. I was f'ing buoyant, almost bouncing in this bubble of serenity that survived the somber handshakes and exchanges of business cards following the alumni party (my new black cards got a lot of glances askew--I assume these were all Tee Martin detractors), half a dozen sneering phone calls from Georgia alums on the drive home, and the realization that my prediction of winless conference play looms closer by the week.

Then I remembered yesterday's picks:

Every word of doubt from the Georgia faithful is reverse-sandbagging at best, condescending head-pattery at worst. Colquitt and Nick Stephens represent the best hopes for a close one, but unless either of them can, respectively, provide his own punt coverage or pass to himself (or, hell, PLAY MONTARIO HARDESTY AND LENNON CREER FOR THE LOVE OF FRIED DOUGH), it won't be enough. Tennessee two weeks ago = Very bad football team. Tennessee tomorrow = Very bad football team plus human field position apparatus and untested shades of legitimacy at quarterback. The sum of their parts will not save us. Count on: Another maul-y day from an appallingly talented Vol defense, Georgia playmakers soldiering through injuries, and thousands of heavy hearts trudging back to Knoxville after dark.

Things For Which I Am Not Sorry, Exhibit #249A.

He is. Nick Stephens is the answer, finally. And if we're smart, we will revel in this for just a little bit and then get to work on the rest. I'll sit down here in a little bit and rewatch this thing, and tear my hair out over our rushing stats and time of possession and the continued inexplicable refusal to get the ball to Hardesty and Creer. I'll rail against the new clock rules for paragraphs that will mercifully never see the light of day (again, absolutely no illusions here as far as Georgia--they're the better team; we knew that this morning and we'll know it tomorrow, and I'm not saying it would've made a difference, but the rule changes are ruining fourth quarters week after week). There will be hollering on talk radio, runs on pitchforks and torches, but I cannot shake the fact that I feel better about this team than I have since the third quarter of the Rose Bowl tilt, including following our two wins. We played Georgia hard. Nick Stephens is The Guy. We may just be onto something here.

Today's Specials:

On my way to Anaheim to witness the firepower of Georgia's fully armed and operational battle station with the SoCal alumni association. They rented out the ESPN Zone for us, which shouldn't end badly, at all. Viewing agenda (house cheering interests in bold):

• Texas vs. Oklahoma
• Syracuse @ West Virginia
• Colorado @ Kansas
• South Carolina @ Kentucky
• Vandy @ Missy State
• Nebraska @ Texas Tech
• Tennessee @ Georgia
• Notre Dame @ UNC
• LSU @ Florida
• OK State @ Mizzou
• UCLA @ Oregon

in which HOLY HELL WE HAVE POWERS

Willy Korn. Willy Korn. Willy Korn. Willy Korn. Willy Korn.

read things:

• In which I let the Scientologists down the street make my NFL picks.
• In which Cara gets married (squee!) and in a display of pure patriotism chooses a big damn teevee over a honeymoon.
• In which Janie implores you to rub oil on your person. Will you deny Janie? You will not.
• In which Mike Leach breaks the adorability barrier by rocking the d20s.
• In which Longhorn Book Deal is very famous and important.
• In which Jezebel might, just for a little bit, relinquish its title as Most Abominable Website In All Creation by putting Megan Carpentier and Ana Marie Cox on the same page. Your move, The Big Lead.
• In which Swindle and I help you pick your side for Saturday's Florida-LSU tilt.
• In which SCRAMBLE.
• In which Picks!
• In which Piglet meets a Heffalump oh god, it's my Red River Shootout column and it's only eight in the morning and I've already been called a "soulless monster" by an indignant Yahoo(!) commenter, so please click through. For me. For Texas. For humanity.

Cry, the beloved Bulldog

Everything after the jump will somehow make even less sense if you don't read Doug's third chapter at HJS beforehand, so if you haven't yet, go on. We'll wait.

Time to bring it on home. For the run game, for the Vawls, and for us. Oh, and the future's bleak, except for the A-11, but you could've guessed that.

For this, we ask your forgiveness in advance.

Last spring, right after this, Doug asked me to marry him. (Full text of which is available in the sidebar.) Being crackerjack sports bloggers and therefore irretrievable nerds, we immediately set about to run the idea into the ground as thoroughly and rapidly as possible, evidenced by the fact that it's been six months and we both still think it's funny. Now, in honor of the impending Tennessee-Georgia throwdown, we present the logical conclusion to this farce by throwing our (theoretical) (eventual) marriage onto the Hate Week bonfire.

Why our forbidden fake love is destined for nothing but pain, after the jump:

Pushing Daisies: Watch it.

If you're not tuning in, I remind you that you, along with most of America, are missing the best currently running show on television. [hissssss] Tonight: Chuck in a truly awful outfit to atone for last week's bubble hem marvel, mime sex jokes, more of the undercover nun subplot, and quite a lot of clowns. (That subplot actually revolves around clown murder, which makes it both a) watchable and b) pleasant!)

And pretty words:

"How lucky I am to be alive in a world with sun-dappled anything!"
"I got so excited I was afraid my smile was gonna vibrate the veneer off the cabinets."
"I'm sorry. I'm not very good with emotion." "What emotion?" "All of them."
"My dad says my mind's like an old refrigerator in a deserted lot. Secret's out there playin' around and falls in, it ain't never gonna get out."
"If this van's a-rockin', I'm being murdered."
"There are two things the clowns make around here. Balloon animals, and enemies."

(Also, if you've got 20 minutes and are nursing a grudge over Indy 4 (and who isn't?), tonight's South Park, DAMN.)

Dispatches from Momma, Episode 65b

Right, except this. When we last saw Our Heroine's mother...

From: [Momma]
Date: October 7, 2008 2:02:00 PM PDT
To: [Holly]
Subject: more of my camp report

We took a hike up through the old, abandoned Elkmont summer cabins (the former summer playground of Knoxville's "elite," to quote the historical sign posted there) so Debbie could show us where she spent her childhood summer vacations. On the way there we passed a sign saying the campground just beyond was closed due to AGGRESSIVE BEAR ACTIVITY. I wasn't too concerned, because mountain lore says you have no need to fear bears as long as there's one person in your group you can outrun.

The only other critter we encountered was with a yellow jacket; the vile thing made me spill my mimosa! I eventually triumphed, however; he met his well-deserved demise after he lit on a plate of sliced tomatoes and I whacked him with a huge roll of paper towels. Since both a roll of paper towels and a pile of tomato slices are fairly soft, I had to whack him multiple times to truly slaughter him. Of course, I also slaughtered the tomatoes AND we were left with smushed tomatoes all over the end of our last remaining roll of paper towels, but IT WAS WORTH IT because I SHOWED HIM WHO'S MORE EVOLVED.

read things

Eyebrow-deep in actual work and stirring up some monstrously inappropriate science fiction for the runup to the Georgia game, so go read:

• Sarah Palin's sentences get diagrammed.
• The New Yorker's Obama endorsement.
• OMG I dare you to read this whole article where this guy talks about bread.
• Longhorn Book Deal bringing that beat back at Janie-o's.

Laff Riot 96: The Lord Did Not Create It.

4:48:06 PM Swindle: I don't know if you're watching this, but USF's d-line is already devouring Pitt's line
4:48:15 PM Nastinchka: Watching 'til the debate comes on
4:48:23 PM Nastinchka: so I'm hoping something interesting transpires fairly quickly
4:51:46 PM Nastinchka: Also, please help me bring "Flailin' Palin" into popular use
4:51:50 PM Nastinchka: We can paint it on bombers
4:51:58 PM Swindle: LOL
4:52:10 PM Nastinchka: Which we will need, because she likes those.
4:52:38 PM Nastinchka: It makes her sound like a 30's baseball pitcher, which is frankly an upgrade.
4:52:56 PM Swindle: I want to ask her about the important mining rights/marriage law Supreme Court ruling Reed v. Reed.
4:53:31 PM Swindle: "Do you think the awarding of the gold mine to Mrs. Reed and the shaft to Mr. Reed violated the establishment clause?"
4:53:55 PM Nastinchka: She'd take you seriously
4:55:10 PM Swindle: Biden's gonna take it easy on her
4:55:17 PM Swindle: There's enough rope out there already
4:55:27 PM Nastinchka: I'm waiting for him to take off his belt and threaten her with it
4:55:47 PM Swindle: I'm kind of waiting for him to hit on her.
4:56:04 PM Nastinchka: I KNOW
4:56:17 PM Swindle: it's mom's boyfriend!
4:56:20 PM Nastinchka: At which point she will turn around and do the entire rest of the debate coyly over the shoulder
4:56:30 PM Nastinchka: because there's no way you get through those Alaskan neverwinters without anal.
4:56:40 PM Nastinchka: It's her changeup
4:56:42 PM Nastinchka: so to speak
4:56:50 PM Swindle: Oh, cold weather and perversion go hand in hand. See: Sweden.
4:57:05 PM Swindle: And Manitoba. You can't have normal sex there.

12:50:16 PM PB: I'm hungry. Help.
12:50:20 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy Johns.
12:50:25 PM PB: They deliver!
12:50:26 PM Nastinchka: 2 sammiches, cherry coke
12:50:26 PM PB: Yes.
12:50:29 PM PB: YES
12:50:33 PM Nastinchka: [pet]
12:50:39 PM Nastinchka: If I can't have it, I can live through you.
12:51:02 PM PB: I'll take a picture
12:51:10 PM Nastinchka: And make one a #9
12:51:16 PM Nastinchka: This do in remembrance of me.
12:51:24 PM PB: No I want the BLT
12:51:27 PM Nastinchka: (I just made a Jesus joke about a sandwich. DO IT)
12:51:32 PM PB: lol
12:51:35 PM Nastinchka: Get two!
12:51:42 PM Nastinchka: You know you'll eat them both
12:51:47 PM Nastinchka: one for you, one for the tapeworm
12:51:52 PM PB: Oh for sure

5:38:01 PM WorstFan: what on earth is happening in y'alls contest?
5:38:06 PM Nastinchka: Well
5:38:13 PM Nastinchka: This is the first college game for our new QB
5:38:19 PM Nastinchka: so they're experimenting a lil bit
5:38:45 PM WorstFan: ah... so the clawfense is still positioning itself to extend and pick up the plush seal, eh?
5:39:24 PM Nastinchka: I still don't know what that's supposed to look like, but the new guy completes passes, which is neat!

4:20:13 PM Nastinchka: And here comes our new baby QBlet
4:24:52 PM PB: How's he look?
4:25:06 PM Nastinchka: He completed a pass!
4:25:16 PM Nastinchka: ....and his receiver just fumbled.
4:25:29 PM Nastinchka: And we have 30 yards of penalties in the first five minutes.
4:25:33 PM PB: yikes
4:25:37 PM Nastinchka: So, y'know, some things we can depend on.

7:19:34 AM Nastinchka: I hope USF puts this away quickly. Our debate party plan is to do a shot every time she wrinkles her nose, so I don't expect to live.
7:19:45 AM Swindle: Reconsider that.
7:19:53 AM Nastinchka: I've had a good run.
7:19:59 AM Nastinchka: And she's so KEEEYYYUUUTE

9:18:48 PM Nastinchka: UF study: "Men who believe a woman's place is in the home, rather than in the workplace, are likely to earn substantially more than men who believe women deserve equal pay for equal work."
9:25:28 PM 'Bus: I saw that
9:25:32 PM 'Bus: Daria sent it to me
9:25:37 PM Nastinchka: Keeper.
9:25:41 PM 'Bus: With the text, "This is why you'll never be rich"
9:25:56 PM 'Bus: I told her I wanted a pie
9:26:04 PM Nastinchka: How IS cohabitation going?

6:07:16 PM Nastinchka: Interception. vandy wins. Vandy wins. VANDY WINS LOLOLOLOL
6:07:22 PM PB: NICE!
6:07:36 PM Nastinchka: WAR INEFFECTIVE PLAY CALLING
6:08:01 PM PB: war dumpy state of Alabama

5:33:55 PM Nastinchka: You are gonna FLIP
5:34:19 PM Nastinchka: Somebody hit my site searching for Holly and Joan (which, danger)
5:34:23 PM Nastinchka: and I googled it
5:34:25 PM Nastinchka: and found that.
5:34:42 PM Livia: oh, dear.
5:35:00 PM Nastinchka: You're welcome as the hills!
5:35:02 PM Nastinchka: *hic*

4:05:32 PM PB: God I hate commercials that try to make me feel like less of a man because I don't find pleasure in fixing my own fucking car.

5:09:09 PM Nastinchka: These games are so bad the commenters have resorted to giving each other Top Gun nicknames to pass the time. In related news, please address me as Tom Skerritt in all further communications.

11:14:38 AM Barstoolio: i just accidentally called a phone sex line for asian fetishists on the state of florida's dime.
11:29:27 AM Nastinchka: Isn't there a line item for that in Florida's State budget?
11:33:07 AM Barstoolio: yes, but only for judges and house members.

11:32:19 PM Puddles: 60 fps? jesus herald christ, at least thats job security

11:50:38 AM Livia: I love how your mother occupies that much of our time even when all three of us are monstrously busy. You're at work. I'm writing my thesis. She is allegedly inculcating young minds with knowledge.

2:28:57 PM Swindle: Beckham did a commercial which had suspiciously few words once.
2:29:09 PM Swindle: "Hi. I'm David Beckham, and I use Brylcreem."
2:29:29 PM Swindle: I have an unending skit in my head where he fucks that up in every way imaginable.
2:29:51 PM Swindle: "Hi. I'm David Brylcreem. And I use Beckham."
2:30:55 PM Nastinchka: Does he somehow break his ankle during hte course of filming?
2:31:02 PM Swindle: Sure
2:31:04 PM Swindle: Twice.
2:31:08 PM Nastinchka: I was gonna say.
2:32:04 PM Swindle: Hi. I'm David Ankle. Brylcreem, it use I.
2:32:30 PM Nastinchka: At one point devolving completely and without warning into Cockney slang.
2:32:56 PM Swindle: I imagine him missing a whole take
2:33:00 PM Swindle: Just staring into the camera
2:33:04 PM Swindle: "David!"
2:33:05 PM Nastinchka: HA
2:33:16 PM Nastinchka: And one where he eats Brylcreem.
2:33:53 PM Swindle: no--smears it homoerotically on his chin.
2:33:59 PM Swindle: And then eats it.
2:34:23 PM Nastinchka: Like, one whole take where he's trying to get his tongue as far across his cheek as possible
2:35:05 PM Swindle: And falls down doing it
2:35:13 PM Swindle: My foookin' ankle!
2:35:26 PM Nastinchka: And he pulls himself up using the stool
2:35:39 PM Nastinchka: which topples over and bloodies his nose.
2:35:42 PM Nastinchka: NO.
2:35:43 PM Nastinchka: Wait.
2:35:50 PM Nastinchka: Nose becomes bloody on the last take
2:36:11 PM Nastinchka: Where he gets it right, pulls his shirt up over his head and runs off the set screaming GOOOOOOAL, straight into a wall.
2:36:41 PM Swindle: Clap clap clap

12:21:39 PM Livia: Bailes is totally out of control.
12:21:45 PM Nastinchka: gASP!
12:21:59 PM Livia: She's running for student council, right?
12:22:15 PM Nastinchka: Ohhh, boy.
12:22:30 PM Livia: Against her best friend, Andie. Andie already faced cruel defeat at B's hand last week when B became the first-ever sixth grader to win a spot on the volleyball team.
12:23:18 PM Livia: So B has mounted this insane campaign with posters that feature the slogan "Vote For B: MY Parties Burn Like Fire"
12:23:26 PM Nastinchka: !!!
12:23:32 PM Livia: AND she's handing out bribe candy with her slogans printed on them today.
12:23:38 PM Livia: She's like the devil.
12:23:40 PM Livia: I am so proudl

1:42:24 PM Nastinchka: I feel bad for slagging another language geek, but this is just silly.
1:43:42 PM Swindle: Obviously a struggle between language primacy and semantic utility--duh!
1:44:01 PM Swindle: We're a rolling creole, bitch!

12:37:52 PM Nastinchka: and see what else we forgot
12:37:56 PM Nastinchka: oh, this is not in order
12:38:21 PM 'Box: No, I think this is it. I'm out of order? You're out of order! The whole systems out of order! The coffee machine next to the men's room is out of order
12:38:24 PM 'Box: TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
12:38:28 PM 'Box: Please Stay Tuned

2:58:46 PM Swindle: If you can spot little, sad, art-film broken-hearted you in a movie, that's what makes a movie difficult
2:58:56 PM Nastinchka: yes yes.
2:59:20 PM Swindle: (tiny little sad emo cartoon points at screen, "that's me"/little font)
2:59:27 PM Nastinchka: Which is why I was GOING to say Bring It On.
2:59:38 PM Swindle: I was going to say Juice.

9:45:10 PM Nastinchka: tell
9:45:19 PM Princess PrettyPants: tell what
9:45:22 PM Nastinchka: hitchin
9:45:59 PM Princess PrettyPants: oh its no one you know. our friend from high school- big will and his girlfriend jennalaine
9:46:45 PM Nastinchka: what an awesome name
9:48:07 PM Princess PrettyPants: yeah. and im getting all of my info about this thing through brilliant boy who didnt realize that he was in the wedding until i explained to him that the only people who have to wear matching outfits at weddings are people in the wedding party
9:48:26 PM Nastinchka: ...

7:29:25 PM Livia: I have done zero prep for tomorrow's Poe lecture, so I'm up for a bit.
7:31:33 PM Nastinchka: Don't forget Never Bet The Devil Your Head.
7:31:41 PM Livia: No time.
7:31:52 PM Livia: 4 day week
7:31:55 PM Nastinchka: DUDE
7:32:01 PM Nastinchka: Do Conqueror Worm and tie it to the meltdown
7:32:05 PM Nastinchka: It totally works
7:32:17 PM Livia: I do love Conqueror Worm.
7:32:26 PM Nastinchka: Also there's your halloween costume
7:32:29 PM Nastinchka: PROTECT OUR EGGS
7:33:14 PM Livia: HOW DID WE NEVER THINK OF THIS BEFORE

You don't wanna know:
9:19:06 AM Nastinchka: If you summon the wherewithal to do another one of these I think I figured out how to make him melt into a puddle.
9:19:22 AM Swindle: That will come in handy

10:27:27 AM PB: TexAgs???
10:27:35 AM Nastinchka: HEEEELLLP
10:27:40 AM Nastinchka: THEY'RE BAD PEOPLE
10:27:48 AM PB: why the hell are they at your site
10:27:57 AM Nastinchka: The stupid breakup post
10:28:06 AM PB: oh goodness
10:28:08 AM Nastinchka: It got linked from there and I have no idea why
10:28:19 AM PB: it's a huge board
10:28:20 AM Nastinchka: but it's nice to know I should've been slapped for walking out!
10:28:29 AM Nastinchka: Among other things
10:28:46 AM PB: "Shoulda beat that bitch like a sheep who won't swallow."
10:28:58 AM Nastinchka: No one's actually made a rape joke yet, which is surprising, but I've banned like 36 IP addresses and it's not even 10:30
10:29:08 AM Nastinchka: The problem is that they all seem to be Aggie fans.

8:18:23 AM Nastinchka: The Live to Win video got removed
8:18:27 AM Swindle: ?
8:18:39 AM Nastinchka: Universalbot busted me for the song
8:18:44 AM Swindle: ...
8:18:56 AM Swindle: That's kind of awesome
8:19:03 AM Nastinchka: A copyright owner has claimed it owns some or all of the audio content in your video Live to Win: Auburn @ Mississippi State 2008. The audio content identified in your video is Live To Win by Paul Stanley. We regret to inform you that your video has been blocked from playback due to a music rights issue.
8:19:32 AM Nastinchka: What's funny is
8:19:37 AM Nastinchka: the day I posted it I got another notice
8:19:44 AM Nastinchka: but it said that song had been OK'd for use
8:19:53 AM Nastinchka: So I guess someone took a look and didn't like
8:22:33 AM Nastinchka: Please note that the Dolly video is still live.
8:22:45 AM Swindle: Why? Because she appreciates excellence

7:36:24 PM Nastinchka: THAT GUY ON TV SOUNDS JUST LIKE YOU
7:39:41 PM Nastinchka: (It was Mack. LAUGH, DAMN YOU.)
7:40:04 PM PB: lolol - gchat not dinging. i would have cracked up
7:40:15 PM Nastinchka: dammit
7:40:22 PM Nastinchka: I was saving that joke since like halftime

1:19:16 PM Swindle: We tried to get a turkey for T-giving when we lived in Taiwan.
1:19:29 PM Swindle: They define Turkey very differently than you or I would.
1:19:36 PM Nastinchka: Was it a bird?
1:19:47 PM Swindle: It had feathers. Otherwise, no clue.
1:20:03 PM Nastinchka: oh, dear.
1:20:10 PM Swindle: It definitely screamed when it died, though.

3:12:30 PM Nastinchka: And I was so getting used to the shame!
3:12:58 PM Swindle: You are catholic
3:13:05 PM Nastinchka: Ain't neither!
3:13:24 PM Swindle: was/were/is
3:13:27 PM Swindle: Whatever.
3:13:31 PM Swindle: You're out when they let you out
3:13:37 PM Swindle: Which is technically never
3:13:37 PM Nastinchka: Never confirmed, lawya. They'll never take me alive.
3:13:57 PM Swindle: They don't want you alive
3:14:45 PM Nastinchka: How'm I supposed to breed?
3:15:01 PM Swindle: Binary fission
3:15:20 PM Swindle: Being from the ridge, that should be easy.

3:22:15 PM Nastinchka: I can sense the hyperbole through the nyquil haze, and I appreciate you taking my side on this even though I'm clearly not reacting in an adult fashion.
3:22:17 PM Nastinchka: That means a lot.
3:22:39 PM PB: He made a cat noise.

9:40:46 PM Livia: And if you eat your favorite food within five days of a chemo dose, you lose your taste for it forever
9:40:50 PM Livia: it is crazy
9:40:55 PM Nastinchka: No seafood must really suck for her
9:41:10 PM Livia: imagine no raw oysters
9:41:16 PM Nastinchka: That's what I was thinking
9:41:18 PM Livia: i don't know why lennon didn't include a verse about that

5:54:54 AM Nastinchka: Who all loves a Top 25 Vandy say YEEEAAAHH
5:55:01 AM Swindle: wwwoooooooooo
5:55:13 AM Nastinchka: You know where this is going, right?
5:55:17 AM Nastinchka: They're going undefeated
5:55:21 AM Nastinchka: and then they're gonna lose to us.
5:55:50 AM Nastinchka: Round-robin lobster pot ack-shun
5:56:16 AM Swindle: Tennessee could still win the SEC East.
5:56:21 AM Nastinchka: LOL I KNOW
5:56:23 AM Swindle: That is screamingly funny to me
5:56:36 AM Nastinchka: with a capital scream.

6:08:42 PM PB: i'm hungry again. motherfuck.
6:09:23 PM Nastinchka: Pet your tapeworm for me.
6:09:27 PM Nastinchka: (that's not gross.)
6:09:34 PM PB: (gross)
6:09:38 PM Nastinchka: (It's not.)
6:10:12 PM PB: eww tapeworms
6:10:59 PM Nastinchka: Clearly, you should've gotten the #9.
6:11:01 PM Nastinchka: More substantial.
6:11:23 PM PB: who knows how hungry i'd be right now if i'd made that mistake
6:11:38 PM PB: ok i'm ordering a pizza. i'm gross. and tapewormed.
6:11:50 PM Nastinchka: Try eating one sammich at a time next time.
6:12:11 PM PB: i always plan to. but finish one and cannot. stop.
6:12:20 PM Nastinchka: It's part of your charm.
6:12:24 PM Nastinchka: (Is that the word?)
6:12:38 PM PB: (Sure!)
6:12:49 PM Nastinchka: Jimmy Stewart had a tapeworm, dammit!
6:18:54 PM PB: large pizza ordered. i am officially gross
6:21:51 PM Nastinchka: What shall we name your tapeworm?
6:22:09 PM PB: "VY's First Step"
6:22:11 PM Nastinchka: Will Muschamp!
6:22:19 PM Nastinchka: Will Muschamp The Tapeworm.
6:22:38 PM PB: It is aggressive. I eat, I eat, it demands more.
6:22:56 PM Nastinchka: I bet you're not much fun on meth.
6:23:01 PM PB: Lie

I got my Christmas cards!

Whatever, haters. Y'all just jealous. (STOP LAUGHING.)

we cease to be earthbound and burdened with practicality.

I changed my flight back to L.A. twice in ten days. Without the Baton Rouge trip there's really no reason to hang around the extra week, so I bumped my departure date back to the Monday after the Cocktail Party...and then realized the next day's Election Day and it's realistically my last chance to vote in my home precinct and I've been hanging onto my Tennessee residency longer than probably makes sense just for this because California doesn't need my vote, and so I rebooked my entire trip for Wednesday the 5th just to not have to fill out an absentee ballot, which in the moment was a very significant thing to do. And while I could have early voted in the time I was already slated to be there, for some reason this year it means a little bit more to be throwing down for my civic duty on The Day. (It's actually two extra votes, because me flying home means a) Bubby is picking me up in Nashville, b) Bubby will be spending at least one night at home due to the late hour, and c) that I can therefore drag his ass to the polls that Friday for early voting and make him act like a proper citizen before he goes back to school. Also d) that my mother has to find his voter registration card in the next two weeks, which, saints preserve us.) I called my parents to explain and had a really good excuse thought up but ended up confessing the nerdy truth, and bless them, my slightly-right-of-the-Kaiser Daddy and Momma who passed down her original paperback copy of the ERA Handbook when I left home both thought it was just the sweetest thing and didn't make fun of me at all.

"I believe marriage is a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers."

We've all seen it forty times if we're right-minded American Patriots, so understand I'm not posting this because it's news...I just want to have it close at hand, all the time, to enjoy over and over and over again:

"SNL Will Have Its Reward In Heaven After This", sayeth Defamer. So say we all.

Right below the belt every time.

After an unseemly amount of pestering, and more hours back-and-forthing over light angles, doorframes, and what have you than either of us will ever admit, klephypants takes on my A#1 most beloved film of all time, like he takes on most things--rill smartlike, with a word count that'll make your head spin. Go on, now.

The Technicolor Top 10:
NCAA Week 6--Nice night for it.

I am proud to present the First Annual Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry Top 10 Poll of the season. The following rankings were compiled by a voting membership and based on Week 6 Performance, strength of schedule, and percentage of horrifically botched page-to-screen adaptations, brought to you by Chris Columbus. Though individual ballots are secret, the voting members include mischievous redheaded British twins, Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, Helena Bonham Carter as herself, books that try to eat you, mentally challenged half-giants with disturbing monster fetishes, rampant Francophobia, and Coach Richard Harris Is The Only Dumbledore As Far As I'm Concerned.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

1) Oklahoma
SCABBERS SAYS:
ART BRILES: For God's sake, pull yourself together man. You're going against Oklahoma after all. Got to have your wits about ya...
ROBERT GRIFFIN: The SOONERS? I thought that was a JOKE! We can't play them. We're Baylor! We'll get savaged! And there are...[a howling noise is heard] ...werewolves.
BRILES: Oh, there's more than werewolves in those uniforms, you can be sure of that. Nighty night.

Sam Bradford is brilliant, isn't he? Completely demented, of course. Terrifying to be in the same room with him. But he's really been there, you know? He's looked evil in the eye, and passed to it for 1,665 yards and 18 touchdowns! Attention, Texas: something wicked this way comes. We are living in the golden age of parity*, and it's risky to say that Oklahoma can go unbeaten, but I think if any team in the country can, it's these Sooners.

*87% less golden for Tennessee.

2) Missouri
SCABBERS SAYS: Chase Daniel is a man? Is that what they told you? It looks more like a pig with hair if you ask me. A word of caution: these Tigers are vicious creatures. They will not distinguish between the one they hunt (Texas) and the one who gets in their way (Nebraska). Therefore I must warn each and every one of you remaining on their schedule to give them no reason to harm you. It's not in the nature of a Tiger to be forgiving. But you know happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, when one only remembers to turn on the light. For me, the light is Missouri's hate-filled odyssey against perennial bitch-slapper Nebraska finally ending in a victory after thirty years of nightmarish blowouts and dreams deferred. This loss was humiliating enough to make a normal person feel bad for Nebraska, but as I am still nursing a vitriolic grudge dating back to the forty-year old jobless loser in red body paint and a corncob hat at the 1997 FedEx Orange Bowl in Miami telling me that Peyton Manning was a talentless jackass while I sulked mightily and threw a Defcon Five tantrum, I merely giggled to myself when I saw the final score and enjoyed the wheel of football karma coming back to crush Cornhuskers nationwide.

3) Alabama
SCABBERS SAYS: Five points will be awarded to you for sheer dumb luck. If Kentucky hadn't done a breathtaking impression of Tennessee's offense, down to a young quarterback's heartbreaking and inexplicable errors, Alabama might have lost this game at home instead of holding on to win by 3. Leigh Tiffin is not a good kicker, and Alabama really deflates in the second half. Make no mistake, they are beatable. Just not by Kentucky. And probably not by us. ("Probably"...aren't I cute?)

JOHN PARKER WILSON: [Watching game tape, wincing] Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?

Joker Philips can teach you how to bewitch the mind and ensnare the senses. He can tell you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a stopper in death. Apparently, the one thing he cannot teach Matt Hartline is HOW TO HOLD ONTO THE BALL WHEN BRINGING HIS ARM BACK TO PASS INSTEAD OF THROWING IT BACKWARDS. Disgusting.

REPORTER: Coach, how do you plan to prepare your kicker for big games in the future?

SABAN: [Coldly, madly] Voldemort IS my past, present, and future.

4) Texas
SCABBERS SAYS: There is no good and evil, there is only power, and those too weak to seek it. Clearly, in a world where good always triumphs, Colorado would have won this series handily. Instead, they were made to look like foul, loathsome, evil little cockroaches who had never even seen a football before in their miserable little lives, MUCH LESS played an actual game with one. This saddens me, because the Buffs truly are a much better team than the one we saw last night. And now Ralphie has to spend a year feeling inferior to a glorified cow that doesn't even know how to rampage and trample people properly. Ugh. McCoy still looks great, but honestly, I don't see them beating Oklahoma next weekend.

CHRIS OGBONNAYA: I'm going to kill you, Buffalo defenders. I'm going to destroy you. After tonight, no one will ever again question my power. After tonight if they speak of you, they'll only speak of how you begged for death. And how I being a merciful Lord... obliged.

5) LSU
SCABBERS SAYS: It is not our abilities that show what we truly are. It is our choices. And LSU wisely chose to take a bye week in between Mississippi State and a truly formidable stretch of SEC opponents (and Tulane) (go Green Wave!). I think the wheels will come off sometime in the next few weeks. I only hope they decimate Florida before that happens.

6) Penn State
SCABBERS SAYS: Enemies of the Nittany Lions, beware! You'll be next, Mudbadgers. Poor Purdue really looked helpless against a ferocious Penn State defense. This is the second time this season Penn State has won by only fourteen points; all other victories have been by much wider margins. If I were Rich Rodriguez, I would be hiding in a coal mine somewhere. [Back in West Virginia. WHERE HE BELONGS. --H.]

7) Texas Tech
SCABBERS SAYS: I must tell you that this year, attempting to stifle Graham Harrell defensively is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to die a most painful death. SEVEN TOUCHDOWNS? I mean, I know he played KState, but wow.

Mind your heads.

8) BYU
SCABBERS SAYS: TROLL!!! TROLL IN THE RANKINGS!!!!

Thought you ought to know.

9) Utah
SCABBERS SAYS: What do you want me to say? Half of my top ten is comprised of teams that I am pretty sure some high school teams could beat. Thanks again for everything, Appalachian State!

10) Vanderbilt
SCABBERS SAYS: Although I am contractually obligated to hate Vanderbilt with the fury of a thousand bellowing demons, I am actually a little happy to see them excelling this year. Why? Well, it's cute when fate reverses itself and lets Vandy feel good for once, and it's also fun to see them mopping the floor with their SEC betters. They certainly snatched victory from the jaws of a shutout last night, and I'm happy for them. And I'll be even happier if they go undefeated and then fall to us, their rightful masters.

SORTING HAT: Hmm, difficult. VERY difficult. Plenty of courage, I see. Not a bad arm, either. There's talent, oh yes. And a thirst to prove yourself. But where to put you?
MACKENZI ADAMS: Not Tennessee. Not Tennessee.
SORTING HAT: Not Tennessee, eh? Are you sure? You could be great, you know. It's all here in your head. And Tennessee can help you on your way to greatness, there's no doubt about that. They love your kind of offensive strengths, and they could really use a strong pocket passer. They're going to recruit you heavily. No?
MACKENZI ADAMS: Anything but Tennessee, anything but Tennessee.
SORTING HAT: Well if you're sure, better be... A COMMODORE!!

[Seriously, loving the hell out of the Vandy ascendancy. Because where else could a guy named "Mackenzi" ever belong? The universe provides. --H.]

MISC.

Florida
He will return tonight! He who betrayed his fans by losing to Ole Miss - whose heart rots with murder! Innocent blood shall be shed and servant and master shall be reunited once moooooooore! [Deep breath] Yeah, Tebow is back in fine form, and (eventually, kinda) gave Arkansas the whompstomping it so richly deserves for booting Houston Nutt and hiring Sauron the Deceiver. (Note to Arkansas fans: Houston Nutt can beat Florida; you can't. Enjoy your season!) Will this be enough to beat LSU? We'll see.

Notre Dame
SEAN WISER: Think my name's funny, do you? No need to ask you yours. Square head... and a hand-me-down jersey... you must be a Clausen.

Arkansas
CASEY DICK: Professor, why do the Gators affect me so? More than anyone else, I mean?
BOBBY PETRINO: Listen, Gators are among the foulest creatures to walk this earth. They feed on every good feeling, every happy memory until a person is left with nothing but his worst experiences. The Gators affect us more than others because there are true horrors in our past seasons, horrors your SEC comrades can scarcely imagine. You are not weak, Casey. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

DICK: I'm scared, Professor.
PETRINO: Well, I'd consider you a fool if you weren't.

Kentucky
Not to be rude or anything, but this isn't a great time for Kentucky to have a house elf as a quarterback

RICH BROOKS: Let's have a pair get up and practice. Hartline, how about you?
JOKER PHILLIPS: [coldly] Hartline's passes cause devastation with the simplest routes. We'll be sending what's left of the receiver to the hospital wing in a matchbox.

Maryland
It does not do to dwell on dreams, Chris Turner, and forget to live. If you had simply read the comment thread yesterday, in which I implored you not to get cocky and look past sniveling rat-faced Virginia, maybe you wouldn't have been SHUT OUT 35-0. I'm sorry...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. I'm not angry. It just...hurts so much. Shhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhh. Go to sleep now.

I honestly have no idea what happened to make the Terps completely self-destruct yesterday, especially since they have shown nothing but great promise almost all year. When I expressed this to my dad, a proud Terp alum and loyal fan, he just started laughing and said "Honey, that's Maryland football. They can beat anyone and lose to anyone." I think this is the most eloquent and accurate description of the program I have ever heard, and I also think that the athletic department should print this up on t-shirts. Still, I am no fair weather fan. FEAR THE TURTLE. We'll be back.

Auburn
Brilliant, Tuberville - once again you've put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion.

BOBBY JOHNSON: Do I detect a flicker of fear, Tommy? Ah, yes. The Commodore's Kiss. One can only imagine what that must be like to endure. It's said to be nearly unbearable to witness, but I'll do my best.

South Carolina
HOUSTON NUTT: [commenting on Spurrier's ragged looks] Finally, the flesh reflects the madness within.
STEVE SPURRIER: Well, you'd know all about the madness within, wouldn't you Houston?

Tennessee
A pity they let the old punishment die... Was a time when offensive stagnation found you hanging by your thumbs in the dungeons... God, I miss the screaming. As to the benching of Jonathan Crompton...it takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends, and I'm glad Mike Hamilton forced Philip Fulmer to stand up and bench his ass.

PHILLIP FULMER: Nick, where will you be Saturday?
NICK STEPHENS: I'll be waiting to direct the offense.
FULMER: Excellent. And you, Crompton?
JONATHAN CROMPTON: [tonelessly] I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

DAVE CLAWSON: [sitting bolt upright in bed] Spiders... the Richmond Spiders... they want me to throw on third down. And I don't want to throw on third down! It doesn't work here!
FULMER: You tell those Spiders, Dave.
CLAWSON: Yeah, tell them... I'll tell them...[falling back asleep]...tell them...

Kenny Chesney
Messrs Williams, Corso, Herbstreit and Fowler offer their compliments to Professor Chesney and request that he keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business.

the day in screencaps

Our Vanderbilt brethren acquitted themselves admirably yesterday morning....mostly:

Simple. Direct. To the point:

Also simple, direct, and to the point:

A hint of things to come (please, Football Jesus, they don't deserve happiness):

This, though...this is the masterpiece.

Presented without comment:

Breathe. Again. Again.

I don't have the genetic building blocks necessary to accept a rebuilding season for my team. I don't have the serenity and temperance of dear Longhorn Book Deal. This is nature and nurture talking; it's the SEC, and this is how we're built. There is no expectations game; three losses and talk radio shrieks for the coach's head. It's far from sane, but it's home.

This isn't like 2005. Ten plays swing the other direction and the 2005 squad is a nine-win team. In years past, when Livia clapped her hands and shrieked that we'd be Atlanta-bound before we knew it, and I crossed my arms and muttered that we'd be lucky to see any play in January...that's what I was talking about. Things wouldn't swing our way. I'm not blaming any of this team's misfortunes on luck; it's just that when, say, Bad Erik was Bad Erik, he was Bad Erik at the most singularly inopportune of moments. I was always counting on the clouds to open up just when they shouldn't, but now? The sky is falling, and there's no end in sight.

Except...

Enter Nick Stephens.

Crompton holding a clipboard can't do anything but help this football team, but on his own merits, I like Nick Stephens. Not many of you got to see him thanks to the blackout, so know the following things: He's as fresh as we have. He threw two passes against UAB with the game in the bag, so might as well call this his first game, period. The competition was markedly inferior. But I liked what I saw. He looks calm in the pocket. He's stepping into his throws. And in the third quarter, when Denarius Moore told him, "If you can see me, just throw it out there, and I'll go get it,"...he didn't have to go anywhere. Stephens hit him in the hands at a dead run for a 52-yard score. Hope is kindled.

But...13-9 against Northern Illinois? We may not have bigger problems than the quarterback position, but it's far, far from a magic bullet that'll save the balance of our conference schedule. How can Knoxville reconcile itself to looking towards 2009 when there's not another iota of movement to the better in 2008? Why are Hardesty and Creer empty-handed when all available evidence points to them being the best rushing options for success? Whither, special teams competence? And in a storyline that by bizarro index belongs in 2005, what in the blue hell ate Daniel Lincoln, and can we convince the creature wearing his skin as a suit to spit him back out?

I recognize that I'm writing this the day after a win, but this season's fixing to get a lot worse before it gets better, so dig in now while the ground's unfrozen. This will be neither pretty nor brief.

[ETA: Joel went and wrote the exact same thing at the exact same time, plus bonus What The Eff Is With Our Punt Formation coverage. Rocky Top's collective despair has fused us all into a transcontinental hive mind.]

If I asked you where the hell we were, would I regret it?

One of the greatest exchanges in the history of sport:

There even were conflicting reports that he smiled in the victorious locker room.

"Yes, he smiled and told us he loved us," Reamer said.

"No," said cornerback Javier Arenas.

"Maybe," laughed quarterback John Parker Wilson.

"I'm excited," said Saban, looking not the least bit excited.

Lee Corso goes to the zoo.

I know he's cracked and we all like to make fun, but if you wanted to suggest that Lee Corso had a stroke on set in the middle of the show this morning, there's not a whole lot of argument against it:

Today's Specials:

Abbreviated at the mothership in the interest of not looking like a complete howler, but I have every intention of taking in at least a series in each of the following:

• Duke @ Georgia Tech*
• Rutgers @ WFV
• Florida @ Arkansas**
• South Carolina @ Ole Miss***
• Kentucky @ Alabama
• Texas Tech @ K-State
• Florida State @ Miami
• Auburn @ Vanderbilt****
• Texas @ Colorado*****
• Maryland @ Virginia
• Northern Illinois @ Tennessee
• Ohio State @ Wisconsin
• Oregon @ USC
• Hawaii @ Fresno State******
• Washington State @ UCLA*******

Two consecutive long weekends in the desert kinda took a toll, and my Boulder plans (in no way involving absconding into the frontier with Ralphie) fell through very last-minutelike, so I'm happily couchbound for the duration. Or would be, if I had a couch yet. Here until darkish, then some manner of live coverage of the night games at EDSBS. Come play.

soxes ii: sox harder

Infinitely more satisfying than my last trip to Anaheim.

We picked the exact same section on purpose this time so we could watch the bullpen. I'm glad I made the drive down that day and all, since it turned out to be my last chance to see Manny in a Sox uniform, but tonight...oh, tonight was lovely. Mitigating factors include: Night game, greater proportion of Boston fans in immediate vicinity, scoreboard. Drew looks jes' fine, thanks. And Beckett awaits in Boston.

twitback

...kinda? I got the non-fancy, non-pretty-blue script working over there in the sidebar, the better for you to continue tracking my movements like an elusive Discovery Channel subject, and I like the seamlessness of incorporating it into my own CSS, but if anyone's got a third-party app that'll do friend feeds, hit me up.

read things:

• Up and at 'em, latest Yahoo(!) masterpiece. It's Friday, so you really have nothing better to do than to go over there and leave a nice comment before the actual Yahoo commenters find it.
• The Nihilist Waiter presents: Raw Picks. Our specials tonight include breast of quail in a balsamic-port reduction. Would you like to see the wine list? Not that it matters, since we're all gonna die.
• And this is two days old because I'm distracted and a bad friend, but that base-ball team I watch on the teevee sometimes is in the playoffs, and Janie-o and I put together playoff hype playlists at Texy's digs to celebrate them Soxes and something called a Devil Ray. Mine is the Hope You Massholes Like Electronica Mix, and Texy published it anyway because she is a gracious and beautiful lady.

I'll punch a hole in YOUR glass ceiling.

I'm never satisfied after debates that aren't scripted by Sorkin, but just throwing a couple things out there:

• Eff me sideways, I'm still retroactively trying to will Lieberman into existence in the VP slot. The stage would've been ankle-deep in blood and rhetoric and shouty theatre, and it would've. been. awesome.
• "But on the major principle things, no, there hasn't been something that I've had to compromise on, because we've always seemed to find a way to work together." I rewound it twice. That's a direct quote.
• She can't pronounce "nuclear". After eight goddamn years, no matter who won, I thought we were through with this.
• I mentioned this earlier, but through some bizarre form of political Stockholm Syndrome, I've got a little coal of affection smoldering for Senator Biden. It's small, but it's there. He hit McCain on the gas company tax breaks, and he hit him on Afghanistan, and he hit him on "Maverick".
• Another direct quote: "John McCain knows how to win a war." She can't be talking about Vietnam, Iraq, or Afghanistan, so let's throw it to the room: Which wars does John McCain know how to win? A very abbreviated list:
  • War on Grape-Nuts
  • War on Rickets
  • War on Squirrels In John McCain's Bird-Feeder
  • War on Hips That Can Predict The Weather
  • War on Disabled First Wives
  • War on Phonics
  • War on That Hippity-Hop Music
  • War on That Goddamn Paperboy Again
  • War on Early-Bird Golden Corral Meals
  • War on Proper Skincare Regimens
  You can add to this, surely.

McCain says Obama lead growing because "Life isn't fair" <---actual damn headline

If you're in the neighborhood tonight, swing by our debate party. We'll be the ones with the baby oil and the bouncy castle, drinking every time Flailin' Palin wrinkles her keyuute widdle nose. Why? Because this is about to get fun.

"'He certainly did nothing for the first few days,' McCain said Thursday on Fox News." Yes, Senator, hang your campaign on your incisive and effective leadership during the financial collapse. Go ahead. Keep proving the point of right-minded Americans; that is to say, you're not fit to manage a Sizzler.

No, Johnny Mac, life isn't fair. Neither are a spasmodically imploding economy, burgeoning health care crisis, or thousands of kids being picked up with sponges half a world away in an unwinnable desert war. What's FAIR about the campaign you're running? If Senator Obama's prospects were flattened by a disinformation campaign like you were in 2000, would that dilute the hostility instilled in your very molecules by your own party? I suspect not. Your insidious molting in the intervening years, your shedding of any and all attributes qualifying you as a human being, let alone a statesman, render your cause unsympathetic at best. Stick your chin out and take your punches and leave the sniveling at the door.

And then pour a nice bucket of scotch and watch our guy mop the floor with your Fail Mary desperation pick of a running mate tonight on live television. Cheers, sirrah. Game on, friends and neighbors.

Picksperiment: Episode 5

This week: Ask The Dude Who Works At Victoria's Secret. Mark is the only guy in the greater L.A. metro area who can be trusted to harness my rack into the latest shiny contraptions, making him my personal hero. He's also a straight man working at Victoria's Secret, making him yours. How's his picking acumen? Click to find out.

read things

• Joel outdoes himself.
• Johnny undoes himself.
• ESS EEE CEE SPAAYYYD, freshly hatched and celebrated daily.

Laff Riot 95: A stunned community reacts.

10:31:50 AM Nastinchka: Joy, my mother's going on a camping trip this weekend.
10:31:53 AM Nastinchka: Like, in a tent.
10:31:57 AM Spawn: WTF.
10:32:08 AM Spawn: this is the only time i can remember you calling me Joy
10:32:14 AM Nastinchka: IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
10:32:19 AM Spawn: but it was appropriate for the weight of this occasion
10:32:26 AM Spawn: she's going to get eaten by a bear.
10:32:38 AM Nastinchka: Or wipe out some endangered species of butterfly
10:33:22 AM Spawn: On second thought, she might wipe out the bear species in eastern United States.
10:33:32 AM Nastinchka: THERE's our real concern.
10:37:04 AM Spawn: I just don't understand.
10:37:09 AM Spawn: I think my brain is rejecting this.
10:38:42 AM Spawn: I'm honestly just so floored by this catastrophic plan that I can't even say anything witty.
10:38:49 AM Nastinchka: Me either!
10:38:56 AM Nastinchka: I'm just paralyzed with anticipatory horror.
10:39:06 AM Spawn: I just have visions of your mother using an ice pick to cram tent poles into frozen ground.
10:39:15 AM Nastinchka: OK, it's not THAT cold
10:39:15 AM Spawn: I'm not sure why the ice pick is necessary, but it's definitely central to the image.
10:39:27 AM Nastinchka: I don't think imagery from Lord of the Flies is out of the question.
10:39:33 AM Spawn: my brain has departed from rationality.
10:39:48 AM Spawn: And also, with forces of nature like this unleashed, who knows what the weather will be.
10:45:53 AM Nastinchka: Rain of frogs, greater Smoky Mountains, holla!
10:46:22 AM Spawn: I'm glad I'm safely in Virginia
10:47:03 AM Nastinchka: I don't think that's far enough
10:50:41 AM Spawn: Is your mother excited about this?
10:50:47 AM Nastinchka: ...yes.
10:50:52 AM Nastinchka: That's also what concerns me
10:50:56 AM Spawn: I'm just so confused.
10:51:00 AM Nastinchka: her boundless enthusiasm for personal danger

12:59:43 PM Puddles: well its a good thing she loves bugs
12:59:50 PM Puddles: and humidity

10:33:15 AM 'Bus: Do you have to go with her?
10:33:20 AM Nastinchka: No.
10:33:22 AM 'Bus: Well
10:33:34 AM 'Bus: Do they know how to make fire?
10:33:37 AM Nastinchka: Of course not.
10:33:38 AM 'Bus: Or, you know, pitch a tent?
10:33:42 AM Nastinchka: Of course not.
10:33:45 AM 'Bus: Hm.
10:33:53 AM 'Bus: Have you suggested renting an RV?
10:34:01 AM Nastinchka: Oh, they've got tents
10:34:05 AM Nastinchka: There are tents afoot
10:34:07 AM 'Bus: Yes
10:34:12 AM 'Bus: But sitting at their feet
10:34:15 AM 'Bus: Not so much overhead
10:34:23 AM Nastinchka: No, indeed.
10:34:33 AM 'Bus: Do they have tequila?
10:34:37 AM Nastinchka: God, probably.
10:34:41 AM 'Bus: Because that might render other questions moot
10:34:56 AM Nastinchka: Yeah, it'll come in handy when she LIGHTS A BEAR ON FIRE

10:52:05 AM 'Box: I don't know, maybe she'll find out she's cut out for it? But she knows there's no bathrooms, right?
10:52:17 AM Nastinchka: I....I don't know.
10:52:33 AM Nastinchka: I don't know that she knows there's no day spa.
10:52:44 AM 'Box: Miz Naincy Adventures, coming this fall to HGTV
10:53:28 AM Nastinchka: She and Kanye will have their own show.
10:53:44 AM 'Box: Bears don't care about white people
10:54:03 AM Nastinchka: That's about to be proven empirically
10:54:46 AM 'Box: ahh, I'm sure she'll be ok. I'd urge her to take her gun, though. We all know you don't even go OUTSIDE in TN without your gun, let alone go camping without it.
10:55:25 AM Nastinchka: For real! I'm like, "You sleep with this thing next to the nightstand and you don't think you'll need it on an all-woman wilderness expedition?"
10:55:53 AM 'Box: Sisterhood of The Running-Like-Fuck Pantsuits
10:56:17 AM Nastinchka: NONE of them wear pantsuits!
10:56:21 AM Nastinchka: You take that back about my mother!
10:56:26 AM 'Box: GRRRRRoowlll Magnolias
10:58:23 AM Nastinchka: I'm more worried about the ecosystem, honestly.

10:39:42 AM Nastinchka: The world of men will fall.
10:40:11 AM Princess PrettyPants: your mom is into that. besides, you know she's gonna hire some men to hunt and gather for her
10:40:19 AM Nastinchka: She is NOT into that
10:40:24 AM Nastinchka: She won't even stay at a Comfort Inn
10:40:31 AM Princess PrettyPants: and carry her around on one of those mattresses thats held up by sticks
10:40:39 AM Nastinchka: This is entirely possible.
10:40:41 AM Princess PrettyPants: you know... like cleopatra
10:40:47 AM Nastinchka: Well, there'll be snakes.
10:41:11 AM Princess PrettyPants: momma is gonna sit in a tres glam lawn chair and drink beer in festive coozies while other people camp
10:41:22 AM Princess PrettyPants: lets be real
10:41:50 AM Nastinchka: OK, I'm calming down.
10:42:11 AM Princess PrettyPants: like your mother is going to be outdoorsy
10:42:37 AM Princess PrettyPants: you know its just cause she got to buy new "campy" things at the bass pro shop
10:42:51 AM Princess PrettyPants: i'd go camping too if i could afford the outfits
10:43:04 AM Nastinchka: She does have this weird fascination with cargo shorts
10:43:09 AM Nastinchka: not for herself, but on other people
10:43:19 AM Princess PrettyPants: and things to put in all the pockets
10:43:29 AM Princess PrettyPants: its pretty exciting when you think about it
10:43:50 AM Princess PrettyPants: plus think of all the good stories
10:44:26 AM Princess PrettyPants: and you know no one would dare to force her to camp. she is thinking this will be fun... so brace yourself for the hilarity
10:44:39 AM Nastinchka: She was thinking this would be fun
10:44:54 AM Nastinchka: and didn't understand why I kept telling her, flatly, THIS IS THE WORST IDEA YOU HAVE EVER HAD ABOUT ANYTHING
10:45:01 AM Princess PrettyPants: i think its brilliant
10:45:11 AM Nastinchka: until today when she realized how much stuff she'd have to carry to secure her own comfort on the mountain
10:45:16 AM Nastinchka: and now she's crabby
10:45:24 AM Princess PrettyPants: well then maybe she wont go
10:45:34 AM Nastinchka: No, she told me it's "an honor thing" now.
10:45:38 AM Nastinchka: Which is always a great sign.
10:46:12 AM Princess PrettyPants: holly this is brilliant
10:46:22 AM Princess PrettyPants: this is a lifetime movie
10:46:52 AM Princess PrettyPants: its the divine intervention of nature and the ya yas
10:46:57 AM Nastinchka: As long as it's not made for scifi
10:47:02 AM Princess PrettyPants: IT COULD BE
10:47:27 AM Princess PrettyPants: imagine your momma and pals trying to rationalize with a bear or some other creature
10:47:58 AM Princess PrettyPants: plus they are all too stubborn and graceful to die so i dont know what you are worried about
10:48:00 AM Nastinchka: INSIDE VOICES, MISTER BEAR
10:48:14 AM Princess PrettyPants: would you like a beverage mr bear?
10:48:28 AM Princess PrettyPants: BUH BUH MOTHERFUCKER MR BEAR!
10:50:10 AM Nastinchka: STOP

11:33:34 AM Bobo: I imagine your mom teaching the forest animals manners.
11:34:27 AM Bobo: Squirrel tea parties, etc. etc.

10:47:47 AM Nastinchka: EVERYTHING'S GOING TO BE FINE
10:47:50 AM 'Box: HAHAHAHHAHA
10:47:58 AM 'Box: She has a weapon, right?
10:48:05 AM Nastinchka: She's not taking her gun!
10:48:15 AM 'Box: Why the eff NOT?
10:48:20 AM Nastinchka: I DON'T KNOW
10:48:30 AM Nastinchka: Because she prefers to REASON with bears
10:48:35 AM 'Box: Can she at least take a documentarian with her?
10:48:40 AM 'Box: Oh dear
10:48:45 AM Nastinchka: This is where you come in.
10:48:47 AM Nastinchka: FOLLOW THAT CAR
10:49:09 AM 'Box: I'm going to dress up as Radar
10:49:41 AM 'Box: yep, everything'll be perfectly fine
10:50:39 AM Nastinchka: In my head it's Steel Magnolias crossed with Apocalypse Now
10:50:44 AM Nastinchka: complete with salon chairs
10:50:50 AM 'Box: the horror
10:51:16 AM Nastinchka: the horror.

TERRIBLE TERRIBLE NEWS

If you've never met my mother, I suggest you peruse this, this, and this, so that you'll have a better understanding of the tragicomic potential when I tell you she's going camping this weekend. Like, in the mountains with a tent with a bunch of ladies. Momma's idea of camping is a Marriott that doesn't have 24-hour room service. And she insists she's not taking her gun. And I checked, because, just because, and the ranger station closes at 6. This...this is going to go badly.

Thirty-nine miles away, north by northeast...

Oh, this show. Oh, my "heart" has been sliced out of my chest, glazed, and reinserted. I love everything about it, in case that's not perfectly clear. (For the love of... they put Anna Friel in the most beautiful dress I've ever seen and it has a BUBBLE HEM. They can make anything work.) And if it's your poison (and a sizable slice of you cannot deny that it is), I feel obligated to add that BEEEEEEEEES figure prominently in many episodes. Also, Kristen Chenowith makes velociraptor noises. Don't act like you can stay away.

Now, pull-quotes to compel you:

"They're not gonna kill me during office hours!"
"If I could breathe, I would vomit."
"I gotta sawed-off shotgun fulla secrets!"
"Everything there reminds me of everything not there."
"I'm sure it's teeming with fungus and microscopic bugs that feed on flakes of human skin but she was fond of it."
"I know it's greedy and wrathful, but there's been a miscommunication."
"I'm having awkward silences with God."
"And by cabbage patch, I mean your ladyparts."
"Betrayed and broken-hearted, but not sloppy."
"Mr. Cod insists it's a work of fiction, but if published it could serve as a how-to manual for an audience of one."

The facts are these:

I can't possibly do justice to this show with words on a screen, but the second season premiere is upon us and I will do whatever it takes to get every single one of you to tune in. Pushing Daisies is in the pantheon after just one strike-shortened season, and with BSG on hiatus can lay legitimate claim to being the best show running. I mean every word of that. The. Best. I was drawn to it despite its happy looks last year because I'd never seen a saturation palette like that on network TV, but you don't have to be a color nerd. You don't have to like romantic comedies (I don't). You can be the most obsidian-hearted of cynics with no faith in humanity, true love, or fresh fruit--this show will melt you. It's absolutely exquisite, week in and week out, the more so for presenting the appearance of effortless construction. It's spun sugar glass in television form, deftly written, impeccably stylized, and acted with aching precision and earnestness, and it can be yours, tonight and every Wednesday night on ABC at 8/7 Central.

The most wonderful time of the year

October's where the magic lives. Even here, in the midst of a horrific Southland heatwave, the light's a little thinner. Can you feel it, wherever you are?